Sympathy for the Devil

After over a year of blogging and almost 200 posts….I am still talking about HIM. When will he leave my thoughts, my head, my heart? When will I stop allowing him to interrupt my life? Yes, I allow him to invade my thoughts and I am the one who takes the time to listen and look when shit happens over in his corner of the world. Don’t get me wrong, I have made GREAT progress….if you read my earlier posts when the fiasco first happened, I sound as delusional and denial filled as I say him is.  Back then, I would have bet serious money that him and I would be reunited as the BTH was merely a flash in the pan or him  was looking to sow wild oats before settling down for a happily ever after with ME….the ending to the story of us was not one I could have imagined in a million years, but it is the reality. The treatment he subjected me to, the ultimate rejection from a man who told me I was so many wonderful, incredible and awesome things…I was so tangled up in him, I lost myself and it is a wonder and a miracle I am not in an orange jumpsuit and him is in a pine box.

Today, I can accept my reality. Today, I can make peace with the pain but still, I have not completely let go. I still have that little piece of hope, but that is not why I have not let go (did anyone else notice I did not say I can’t let go…because I can….I just haven’t)…I think when it comes to that person we feel/think is The One, you will always hold out hope  but you don’t put your life on hold for them. No, I have not let go because more than the love I feel and have for him, more than the connection and chemistry…I hold a true liking and friendship for this man. A true, real and unconditional friendship and when things go wrong in a friendship, one will  fuck it up, say mean things or even walk away but when they look back, you want to be there because you know eventually, they will need your friendship again. Real friends don’t leave and cannot stay angry at each other because who else will you tell all your secrets and dreams and vents to and who will listen and give you the advice you need? I know about true friendship….it is what has allowed me to have conversations that never happened, it is what has supported me through this fiasco and what keeps me strong during the process, it is what keeps Sister Someone on this Panel, it is what makes a once a month, 10 minute phone call so special  and no one has gone anywhere. I have stomped off, cursed and screamed but my true friends….not only are they still here but I think I may have found another one in UTA as she keeps hanging in there with me.

So this is why I have not let go….because once upon a time, him was as much my friend as I am his and regardless of what is going on in that corner of the world…..eventually, him is going to need a friend and I want to be that friend for him. I no longer want him the way I used to…too much damage and after all that has happened, we will both see each other differently. Hell, I see myself differently and the new me isn’t even going to try to reconcile with a man so callous and indifferent. The different me can almost see the blessing in the entire fiasco…I was exerting too much time, energy and effort for the barest of attention and while I could say the good times made it all worthwhile, there weren’t enough good times to keep justifying my investments. Which may be why I was so excited and hopeful and ready to believe with the last reconciliation…he was saying to ME the things I was saying to him and I just really felt that he had finally seen me. I have said it before and will say it again…love and relationships are hard work, but they should not be hard. I once said  him is not a bad person, but he is the villain in my story and the friend in me has sympathy for the devil. I still hear things (BTH makes a 5 minute cameo at the Island every payday…and I was PISSED to hear that….she has him, the house, she has invaded what I thought of and looked at as MY territory…can I PLEASE just have the Island to myself?), I still see things…Chef has sent us non-Islanders a picture and while it is not the best, I can see where he looks incredibly old…Morning Person and Oscar agree with me but Bell Pepper sees no difference. None of us have seen enough to comment on the sickly part though. And from where I stand, things are not looking as lovey dovey as him wants me to believe, but I am biased and prejudiced and still a tad hurt and envious but I am not so narrow-minded as to not think that perhaps he really does love this woman and is happier than ever…after all, she presented herself to him baggage and all, and he still married her. That does not mean that he will not/does not need a friend and I have moved on enough past the hurt and pain to want to rebuild that bridge at least.

I had a conversation with Cuz the other night (a 5 hour conversation) and Cuz was fussing that I have not moved on because I am not being sexually active. Okay, I think we have been through this one before….I am not healed over enough and do not have the proper mindset to indulge in sex with random strangers for the fun of it. I have always needed some form of validation and seriously, if I am having sex for a onetime thing with strangers, I do not know why I cannot be paid for it. They get what they want, I get validation and everyone is happy. Cuz says that makes me a whore and I am like….I have NO problem with that. I have never had a problem with being one…it is the world’s oldest profession and I am betting my efforts towards a job well done are better appreciated in that realm than in an office setting. Cuz asked was I worried that those behaviors would lead me back to addiction….and I am here to tell him and anyone else thinking that….the answer is NO. Addiction is no place I see myself returning and if all the pain and hardships I have suffered in recovery so far have not led me back, doing what I have to (safely and sanely) to put dollars in my pocket won’t.

I am working on moving past him and have made great strides in that arena, and am willing to work on moving on (remember my Dating Game?) but it is still a process and I am still in it. The remaining pieces will fall into place when they fall…I am not manipulating any events to try and shape my future. I am working on staying in the present, accepting my reality and making the most of the cards I find myself being dealt all across the board, I sincerely hope this post and my words and thoughts and feelings made sense to someone other than myself. As someone once told me: I can explain it to you but I can’t make you understand it.

I will be back soon with another post about something I have been wanting to talk about for the longest….instant gratification. Enjoy your day!

Riding on Doughnuts

I do not even know where to start with this blog post…there is so much going on professionally, personally and health-wise, this could even be a two-parter post. We’ll see. Remember I told you guys UTA had a flat tire? Well, my crap has fallen and left shambles in its wake, yet I have managed to pull myself together enough to finally change my flat tires with the spares/doughnuts found from somewhere, and now I am riding around on doughnuts. Yes, I am functional, but not fully…spares/doughnuts are not designed to be the tire…they fill in for the tires. You have to move slowly with the doughnut tires and be careful on the roads but sometimes, traffic is just everywhere, surrounding you, trying to force you to keep up with everyone else and when you are riding on doughnuts, you just can’t. So I am trying to dodge the traffic and keep a safe pace and distance from the fresh shower of crap that is falling.

I am just going to jump right in with the health issues. First, I think the “change” is happening, and while I am sure I am not alone in not wanting a monthly visitor any longer, I also do not want the label of a menopausal woman…hell, I am only 30 using my math and still below the half a hundred mark using real world math. I have not seen Mother Nature since August and I  have bloating and cramping, but no visitor. I am not all freaked out like I was earlier this year because THIS BBW has been a good BBW, so no baby scares. Thank God. My other health issue are my teeth. I suffer from periodontal disease and it is pretty much in an advanced stage. Three years ago, I was told I had 80% bone loss in my gums and it would cost $13,000 and take 18 months to repair. Well, even with insurance, I did not have the money and soon after, got laid off so no insurance, and I have been doing what I can to try to keep things as under control as possible but time and lack of professional care have taken its toll. My front tooth is so loose, it does the hula when I rinse with mouthwash and a good breeze would blow it right out of my head and my back molar hurts so badly, it is all I can do to open my mouth to speak. I cannot bite into anything (I have to slice cheeseburgers and pizza; fried chicken and corn on the cob no longer exist for me….so happy for popcorn chicken!) and can only chew on the left side of my mouth. I need these teeth out of my mouth…seriously. Forget the fact I may be looking like an Arkansas hillbilly with a missing front tooth…it has to go. When I talk, the front tooth click-clacks against my bottom teeth. I was planning to make an appointment at Howard University’s Dental School Clinic (they accept people with no money or insurance as dental students need to log in a certain amount of procedural hours) except the week that I am ready to rip these teeth out of my mouth myself to stop the pain, the clinic is closed due to midterms. Great. Oh, and it does not help matters at all that I grind my teeth at night.

Let’s move on to the unemployment issue…..trust me, I don’t want to but hey, it’s a doughnut and we are talking about doughnuts today. This issue is one that is probably 75% out of my control so I have no choice but to go slowly and see what develops. First, I applied for benefits in Virginia as that is where my employer is located….I learned from the Island layoff that you apply where your employer is located, not where you live. I was actually excited beyond words to re-apply in Virginia….they are quick, and pretty much have the highest payout in the DMV area. Last time I was on unemployment with Virginia, I was not living large but definitely saw NO change in my lifestyle. Period. I figured if I got UI from Virginia, I could ride this thing out until after the holidays…no problem. Unfortunately, this is me and it all went to hell in a hand basket real quick. First, I find out within 72 hours of filing the claim that Virginia has no record of my hours/wages but they told me to contact DC as that is where the employer is registered…so once again, this temp agency is proving themselves to be a banner fucking company…not only can they NOT tell me I am about to be laid off, they don’t even know where to tell me to file my claim( I told them I was filing in VA and they never said a word).

My problem with DC dates back almost 18 months and believe it or not, Fun One is the cause of that shitstorm. DC says I owe them $1400 in back unemployment wages because of when I filed before with them…this is when I worked for Fun One; the contract expired , DC found me qualified for the benefits but Fun One appealed the ruling, took me to court and won by default as I never showed in court. To this day, I have no idea why he did that crap and in order for us to resume our friendship, I had to let it go but never again will I work for that man. As for me not showing in court…I couldn’t as I was actually working for the city at the time and had done what I was supposed to do….informed the city I was now working and would no longer be needing their services. However, I lost by default and they said they wanted their money, which I did not have….so who knew what would happen if I applied for benefits with them again? Mommy, Morning Person and Mini-Me all told me to apply…it was my money after all….the worst that could happen is that I would either be delayed by a few weeks while they recouped their payment OR I would somehow slip through the cracks and start receiving benefits pretty much immediately after the waiting week.

So I apply for benefits with DC and discover I do qualify and will receive pretty much enough a week that if I don’t touch a penny of it, I can make the rent all by myself. And that is yet another reason I was hoping to be able to file in Virginia….DC does not pay squat and I need to eat (Mini-Me and Cuz are insistent I can still work the food stamp angle but I am not willing to chance it….one wrong move here and I will lose out on all the benefits), keep the phone and internet up and running (only way to conduct a decent job search) and of course, I need cable, cigarettes and personal items. I need a plan and I am thinking of looking for a part-time under the table job….maybe babysitting or housecleaning. Something that still leaves me time to job search, write and hopefully go get the teeth looked at and repaired while still putting dollars in my pocket. It is the only thing I can think of to do right now and I am keeping fingers crossed this plan is actually viable and will bear some fruit that I can add to my plate.

Okay, this is going to be a two parter as I have not even gotten to the personal ( him) part or the conversation with Cuz….so, stay tuned as that post is coming up quicker than you think and as always…enjoy your day!

 

 

BFFs

I have not done a Panel update in a minute, and there is a reason: they are Boring (yes, that is a capital B)  and no longer talk to me. They do not call or write; they do not care what happens to me now that him is quiet and I am better to the point I am no longer reaching out. Well, not all of them are so insensitive and uncaring…but some of them are and they shall remain unnamed (New Mommy and Girlfriend). Oh, and the ones who are still talking will not even get together and pony up off $10 a piece so I can buy the most gorgeous ring ever! I am going through a rough patch and need shiny, pretty sparkly things to take my mind off my problems. Do you think they care? NO!

I do hope everyone reading knows I am joking around with my Panel, although they really will not pony up for the ring or even the diamond bracelet I saw for UNDER $50…I guess I am the only one who appreciates a sparkly, shiny bargain. In any case,  here is what the best friends any girl could ever have are up to:

Morning Person: Morning Person is the friend who lost her mother. I am trying to stay a respectful distance to give her time to grieve and heal but her strength, her fortitude…I swear, just when I think all of her other incredible qualities leave me speechless, she tops herself. I love her, admire her and want to be just like her when I grow up.

Cuz: He is as crazy as ever and now, he wants us to relocate again. First, we were…then we weren’t…now, we are on again. I have to admit I am more than honored and flattered he wants me to be his partner in this adventure (my Sister wants to relocate also, and says I have to go with her)  and I am all for relocating, but he wants to go to Pueblo, Colorado or Salt Lake City, Utah. Pittsburgh, Seattle, Raleigh…all not on his radar but I am thinking he will go pretty much anywhere except North Dakota and Wyoming…there is nothing in those places!

UTA: Speaking of Utah….we are bashing shallow, superficial guys and teaching me to stop playing the blame game where him is concerned. She thinks I am making progress and that I am normal. We are going to take her in for a psych evaluation really soon. For more on her exploits and adventures sans me and the Panel (currently, she has a flat tire), click the link and read her blog.

Chef: He is the worst friend ever, and so off the Panel as soon as he makes me stop laughing. The man will not loan me any amount of money towards the ring and when I tell him I will use it towards groceries, he says I won’t. He will not put me up should I ever need a place to crash and keeps telling me that we are such great friends because he won’t do these things for me. He tells me I am wasting my mini-vaycay the layoff is affording me by asking him questions I already know the answers to as his answer will always be no. He is back in cooking school and has become quite the DIYer with his condo and brother’s townhouse…I’ve seen pictures and am wondering can I hire him for my bathroom.

Quiet One: Have I said lately how much I adore Quiet One? And I adore her when she is not so quiet….she is no longer giving updates, per se, but she is like me in that stupidity really irks her nerves and apparently, him is stupidity’s new poster boy, so I hear rants and vents. There really is a difference between the two and I am proud of the fact I am no longer ready rush out and save the world where that man is concerned. Oh, AND she is sending me job leads and lending encouragement when it is needed…and bonus: if I promise to use the money for something other than jewelry, she will see what she can do.

Oscar: The chick is certifiable…really. She has taken us through pregnancy scares, the roller coaster ride that is Him, Jr. and so much more…and NOW she has done it again and is too scared to talk…all we know is she has fucked up BIG TIME. I told her to spill it, she said she forgot what she did and since then, she is remaining incognito which translates into we don’t know where the hell she is. I would suggest reading her blog, but she hasn’t updated that thing in about 2 weeks.

Girlfriend: I have not talked to my girl except here and there….she jumped out of a plane, survived and has been incognito since. We are supposed to have a date night but given my current financial situation, we may have to do some Chinese and On Demand IF she still remembers my name.

Artsy Craftsy: We are going on a diet together….we have a set goal of 30 pounds and we are going to start soon. Well, she may have started before me (she has already lost 2 pounds) but I’ll catch up one day. She is being my cheerleader when it comes to the unemployment situation and is verifying the rants and vents Quiet One lets loose with….she says it all the time: him’s current situation will NOT end well, and to keep my distance to avoid the splatters.

Buddy: When the best thing and most stable person in Buddy’s life is Boo, you know it’s bad. Actually it is not as bad as all that….he is working, he has caught up on some bills (the most important ones) and has offered me the use of one of his spare rooms should I need to involuntarily relocate. He is excited about the upcoming Dating Game and keeping fingers crossed for both of us that our funky dry spells end very quickly.

New Mommy: She is broke (hence not having $10 to donate to my favorite charity), tired and owns only 5 shirts but is the happiest mommy ever. KBugg is growing like a weed: she is crawling, standing, has teeth, is happy and laughing and is so adorable, she could be the next Gerber baby…seriously. That is really all I could get from her during our last 10 minute catch up call, but maybe with me being home more, we will talk more.

Policeman: He can be summed up in 5 words: working hard and being faithful. Sounds like a little, but for our boy, that is a lot. AND makes time to listen to my bitching and moaning…he’s a trooper doing the right thing. Kudos.

Guardian Princess: She is a little like Policeman…she is simply working hard(er) and still losing weight….dependent on how my situation shapes up in the next 30 days or so, I am hoping we can do Thanksgiving in the Hallway this year. For those unfamiliar with what I am talking about, I will elaborate in a future blog post.

Bell Pepper: She is ready to start dating but keeps being held back by user/loser dudes who she feels she has a past or a connection with. Work is stressing her out and I have her being in serious need of a couple of stiff drinks and a girl’s night out. She is another who will not pony up off of $10 but she is willing to feed the needy (me) so I cannot be too angry with her.

Mini-Me: This chick has  a brand new fall/winter wardrobe courtesy of Guardian Princess and myself and is happier than a clam. She has started working part-time and I think the more productive use of her time is doing wonders for her confidence and esteem.

Busy Bee: She had a serious health scare which slowed her down for all of maybe 3 weeks; once she got medically cleared, no one has seen her since. She does manage to call and send emails, but as for physically seeing her? Forget it.

Sister Someone/Brother Everything: Okay, I am trying to figure out when Brother Everything became a part of the Panel. We do not accept package deals unless the other person is a child…you gotta take the children. Partners, significant others and spouses do NOT count, but somehow, these two are an unbreakable item. To sum up what the has been happening with them: I had lunch with them last week and asked them point blank were they on again or off again? In unison, they replied: both. Case closed.

Weekend Phone Friend: His marriage is shaky….there is talk of a separation and I have no idea how to advise him. The man is faithful, works two jobs ( he works a full time job Monday-Friday and a part-time job on the weekends so that is 7 days a week he’s working) so his wife can be a stay-at-home mom and does the lion’s share of domestic duties, yet his wife says he spends no time with her or their daughter. She uses sex as a weapon against him (which means he doesn’t get any)  and considers masturbation cheating….I am shaking his hand for doing what he does and putting up with her crap. I can only hope and pray he makes the decision that is in the best interest of all involved.

So there it is….what the gang is up to. Overall, things are pretty quiet given this bunch and I will be back soon to fill you readers in on what is going on in my head. Should be fun. Enjoy your day!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yesterday, When I Was Young….

Yesterday, when I was young, I had hopes and wishes and dreams. I wanted to be a wife and mother. I wanted a huge Victorian house (light blue with white shutters) with a wraparound porch and window boxes. I wanted a wooden bench swing on the porch and a garden. I wanted a precious bundle of joy (maybe even two or three)….family and friends would rub my swollen belly and tell me how wonderful I looked pregnant and once she was born, I would hold her in my arms on that porch swing. I would have a tall, handsome husband and we would have a station wagon and take family vacations and my life would be perfect.

Yesterday, when I was young, I thought I was the most amazing person who knew the most amazing people. But I wasn’t….I was a drug addict whose hopes and dreams and wishes went up in smoke on a constant basis. I lived a lifestyle so volatile I never thought I would live to see 25. There were rapes and beatings and the amazing people I knew were being murdered and dying of  a disease consisting of only four letters. Those who survived lost families and homes and their way. We were not amazing…we were lost and lonely and in so much pain. Yesterday, when I was young, love was simply a four letter word. I had sex constantly yet was so lonely inside. My respect and worth had a dollar amount attached to it and it was okay because I was no longer amazing or had hopes or dreams or wishes.

Today…today, while I am still young, I know that yesterdays turn into tomorrows and tomorrow is a brand new day…yesterday’s tomorrow becomes today. Today, I know I am the most amazing person and I know the most amazing people. I know the people of my yesterdays were also amazing. Today, while I am still young, I am no longer lonely and empty and in so much pain. Today, I have loved and been loved and I know sex has nothing to do with love…it  can result as an extension or expression of love, but it is not love.

Today, while I am still young, I still have hopes and dreams and wishes….I still believe in the fairytale. The fairytale of reunited love….the feel of his hand on my cheek again, to drown in his kiss and float at his touch, his eyes looking at me with the smirk that tells me he knows how I feel and even though he does not say it, he feels that way too. I want him to return and never want to leave me again. I want a fall football Sunday where he is watching the game while I prepare pork roast with potatoes and carrots, macaroni & cheese and green beans for him (yes, I have the meal planned out!) and we never eat it because he takes me on the kitchen table. Falling asleep in his arms and waking up to playful bantering and teasing because he says I snore and feeding each other the meal we had to re-heat.  Today, while I am still young, I know fairy tales don’t always come true and sometimes, when people leave, they do not return and sometimes…you get to a point, you just can’t go through the crap yet again  or shed another tear because while it was so beautiful, it was so dysfunctional.

Today, while I am still young, I want to be in love again…with someone new. Someone I will have to learn his body, his moods, his favorite pastimes and foods. Someone who will laugh at my old jokes, whose eyes will light up when he sees me in that old dress he is seeing for the first time, who will marvel because of my kiss and who I can openly and honestly share my blog with because the feelings that they inspire to put out in cyberspace are the feelings everyone wants to experience everyday of their lives. Today, while I am still young, I want to fall in love with a man who will give the understanding, acceptance and stability that I know I need…inconsistent will not work anymore. I want to stand on the rock of his love, not fall off the log of his mixed signals. I want rapid heartbeats, butterflies and to feel giddy at the thought of him.

Today, while I am still young, I am amazing with amazing friends and hopes and dreams and wishes. And I look forward to both tomorrow and yesterday’s tomorrow.

Making It Right

Okay, this is supposed to be my first day of layoff….today I should be sleeping in after such a productive weekend and late night (I was up until almost 1am watching TV), but someone forgot to tell Inner Me that there is no more job and I have been up since 6am watching morning news, exchanging emails and believe it or not, cancelling a meeting for one of my ex-supervisors. I promised the man I would do it Friday before I left, but in all the hubaloo, I forgot and did not remember until 7am today.

I have been doing a lot of thinking and talking and reading of blogs this weekend and I can see where so many people (myself included)  are going through so much…it seems as if everything is wrong…in so many ways and on so many levels and I am presenting a challenge to myself, my Panel, my readers and to anyone reading this post: let’s  stop focusing on what’s wrong and start focusing on making it right.

I can only speak of what I plan to do to turn my negatives into positives, both personally and professionally. Professionally, I am going to be grateful I got the axe sooner than later. Yes, it sucks and frustrating and they could have made a different choice, but even after cutting almost $300K from their budget Friday, another $300K has to be cut in the next 2 days….whoever is left standing after that is on a weekly basis. Who in the hell wants to have a job under those circumstances? Getting up, busting your ass to get things done, all the while with a guillotine over your neck? Best I am home now, putting my Big Plan into action….I have already applied for the unemployment insurance and the goal is to allow myself 3 “free” days. Free days are the days I will sleep in and do absolutely nothing unless I want to do something. Once I get a determination from the Employment Commission, I shall either begin an intense job search (should I be denied) or if I am accepted, I will breathe easy for a month or so. I will look for 2 viable jobs a day and I will concentrate more on my writing…I will type at least 2 pages a day of something towards a book or for the blog. I will commit to getting out of the house at least 3 days a week….I could finally take the photos of “my DC”, walk around and explore some of the newer museums, treat myself to lunch and movies…the point is I will not become a  lazy hermit and maybe the walking around will inspire me to pursue some more concrete forms of exercise. I do enjoy being a bigger girl, but there is maintenance to be done: the tits must always be further out than the tummy at all times and losing a good 30 pounds would help keep that one rule in good standing.

I will limit my TV and online shopping to once a month, institute a budget and stick to it, although clearance items and can’t beat deals are exceptions. After all the retail therapy I indulged in preparation for the Dating Game I plan to keep playing, I broke down (again!) and got the most delicious gray suede slouchy boots. They were on sale for under $30!! Fashionable suede boots in my shoe size for under $30 do not come along every day, people…I had to get them!! And the earrings I saw on Jewelry Television last night for under $20, including tax and shipping?? My ears will be rocking them in the next 5-7 business days. Hell, I am doing more shopping now than when I was employed, and that makes a lot of wrongs right, but it is not prudent. The last time I was on unemployment, the difference between the paycheck and the benefits was not that huge and I want to start saving…so transportation and lunch monies would go into the bank. I am going to make the break in employment right by making it work for me…I can emerge from this a better person all the way around while making goals and dreams a reality….I intend to.

Personally….what can I do except what I have been doing?  Process some more, heal some more, and be more selective in the Dating Game process. Realize that there will be duds, setbacks and that a lot of frogs will come my way before I meet my Prince…and I cannot help but think that Prince is a dog’s name, so maybe dating is filled with frogs and dogs? Just kidding….there are good guys out there, and whatever I have been through previously is preparing this good woman for that good man.

So, what situation is wrong in your life that needs  to be made right? What’s your plan to  find and bring the “right” out of it? For me, I had to stop focusing on past actions…no matter how fucked up they were and no matter who performed them, they are over and I have to deal with the present reality…no more would’ves, could’ves, should’ves…the question today is: where do I go from here? I had to talk it out, think it out and write it out…the simple pros/cons columns can do wonders….and remember, formulating a plan is not the same as putting it into action. And if I can help you with your plan in any way, just contact me….

Okay, hopefully this has helped someone other than myself….enjoy your day and look for a Panel Update soon.

Once Upon a Time

Well, the party’s over…in fact, it never got started and that is probably a good thing. I was totally unprepared for a pity party. No snacks save 2 Symphony bars and a bag of Weight Watchers microwave popcorn and in all truthfulness, no issues to hold the pity party for: I just do not see me breaking down over a 2 hour meeting with a CL dude who was either too cowardly to speak his true feelings face to face or was upset I did not make overtly sexual promises and the job? Really, I have been there, done that and already know what to do to generate some income. I did feel some anger and I totally displaced it and directed it towards him….I said if he had never laid me off in 2008 (yes, I went there) I would still have a job and we would never have taken anything to another level and I would not be heartbroken and things would be hunky dory. So I was living in Fantasy Make-Believe for a minute…I’m allowed to go there sometimes unsupervised. At least this time I realized it was wrong to saddle him with the blame for my crappy day…he had nothing to do with it at all…and all I did was raise my own hackles speculating on his wonderful home life and compare it to the wasteland I imagine my life to be. Not good, not healthy and at least in the case of my life, not true My life may not be what I want it to be, but it is not a wasteland by any stretch of the imagination.

Since I could not channel my inner Leslie Gore (“It’s My Party and I’ll Cry If I Want To”) in an attempt to re-open my personal Pandora’s Box , I decided to purge my closets and drawers to make room for the retail therapy that is on its way to me even as I type this and was thinking it would just be a lot of giving away clothes I no longer wear and trashing old papers that no longer mattered. What I came across in the drawers were a lot of things that no longer mattered…paystubs from years ago, communications from government agencies when the state and I first become friendly with each other; instruction manuals for printers I no longer had or used; a cloth bag filled with scores of matchbooks (I have no idea why) and pictures and letters. I never throw away pictures…I keep them because I have a superstition that tossing away a picture is somehow detrimental to the person’s soul. It sounds silly and makes no sense, but I always keep pictures and when I look back through them, it’s kind of a once upon a time…filled with memories and stories.  So I looked through them….my sis-sis (looking so pretty)  and I at an Island holiday party, a couple of cousins, scenes from Costa Maya, and a picture of him I never knew I had. I stopped dead in my tracks….my heart caught in my throat and I could not stop looking at him…his eyes, his hands, his hair. He looked so….everything. I know that does not make sense, but somehow I think someone will understand where I am coming from. I thought about us, about good times and finally I put the picture back in the shuffle and kept going. And saw it again…I always get duplicates when I use a camera with film so I can share the pictures because someone always  wants a copy. That picture I took from the pile, and put upon a shelf on the bookcase. I don’t know why I put it there….we are moving further apart (remember, him is being quiet and I am no longer reaching) and I am healing, so he should be put away somewhere. Maybe with the other picture I placed in my panty drawer, but I want to see him. I want to look at his face. Am I wrong for that? I don’t think so….I was alone with a moment in time and my memories and not one tear fell…my heart did not rip and I am not wishing and hoping and praying. I just am….and the picture just is.

So I move from the drawers to the closet…and all I could find to give away to Mini-Me (she gets all my castoffs ) are pajamas, nightgowns and a couple of pieces of lingerie. I did look in another drawer I seem to never use and inside that drawer were a pair of pom-poms (I don’t even know how they got in there as I don’t even own a cheerleader outfit); the scarf he brought me from Cabo; a swimsuit I do not use often enough; a slip I never knew I owned and a pair of men’s underwear. Fruit of the Loom, turquoise with a black band and they look to be boxer briefs. I just stared at them for a minute and my first thought was: are they clean? But they were and I knew who they belonged to….Married Man. Which tells you how long it has been since I have even looked in this particular drawer. And I did not throw them away…I re-folded them and put them back in the drawer and I really have to ask myself why. Married Man and I are so over and done…he is processed and I moved on a long time ago, so why keep his underwear? I have no idea and one day I will throw them out…I just don’t know when.

Perhaps my closet cleaning has yielded me with mementos to remind me that things were not  always fucked up and horrible and ugly with the two men I shared huge pieces of my life with. Because they weren’t….once upon a time, with each of these men, I was happy and in love and never wanted it to end. There was laughter and hand holding and sharing of dreams and kisses. There were conversations and secret glances and dancing and feeding each other. Once upon a time, there was us and we were beautiful and special and wonderful. So I will pack up the nightclothes for Mini-Me ( and I am throwing some foundation garments in there also….she swears she wants these pseudo-torture devices), take down the trash and remember my once upon a time(s) (but not for too long) and  speculate on who will be the man to introduce me to my second chance at firsts. I will fold laundry, cook dinner and veg out on movies and Grey’s and watch the new episode of Desperate Housewives. I am going to do what I always suggest you readers do: enjoy the day!  Oh, before I leave, let me welcome a new reader and suggest her blog site to you: http://capturingthezen.wordpress.com/. She is awesome, insightful and hopefully will stick around to help out with the process if the Panel and I don’t drive her crazy first.