This is my 200th blog post. WOO-HOO! It is a milestone, an achievement and something I never thought in a million years I would be doing and actually following through with. Remember, it started as a form of therapy so I could get the feelings out and work with myself and my Panel to see what went wrong, what part I played, and I am more than happy to report that absolutely NONE of this was my fault and I shoulder NO blame. Okay, so maybe we need to work on honesty a little. This blog also serves as my lesson plan as I need to know what I can do to prevent this from happening with the next guy…and you know there will be a next guy. It may not seem like it, or feel like it….but there will be. One day.
The blog was also a suggestion from both Oscar and Artsy Craftsy to prevent me from hounding and harassing him when the fiasco first began …THAT idea failed miserably. I can now admit I was wrong (not much, though) in that capacity…I just wanted him to hurt as much I did. I wanted his life interrupted and every time the pain hit me and I could not catch my breath and the tears would just fall, I wanted it to happen to him. Except I’m not the one who will hurt him as much as him hurt me….it took a lot of talking and explaining on behalf of the Panel to get me to understand that and it took a lot of tears for me to accept that, but I have.
I have learned a lot from this experience….and that is all this is: a life lesson. A hurtful one to be sure, but that only ensures it will be a lifetime lesson as well. Two things I will keep with me from this: you cannot make the same mistake twice: the second time, it is no longer a mistake, it is a choice. And the second thing: your life is made up of your choices. So I am asking everyone to bear with me, stick with me and help me make appropriate choices. Help me continue to
heal and get better. I am riding this out until the process is complete or I get a new man…whichever comes first, and would love to have you along with me.
200 blog posts later, I/we have made so much progress…the healing has begun; I am feeling and looking like a normal human being, not whatever the heartbreak had turned me into; I think I am getting better mentally and emotionally and I want to thank everyone involved: the Panel (they can never get enough accolades); my mother and my sister; the people I have met along the way (so far) and the one who stuck around (UTA) and you….the readers. It is true, this blog is about my experiences and thoughts, the Panel’s drama and random, quirky things but I am not sure I would have the courage and energy to keep coming back time after time to put it out there for others to read if I did not know someone, somewhere was also reading and hopefully sympathizing, understanding and relating. Maybe I am helping someone through their own heartbreak; maybe I am teaching by example (you can learn from bad examples as well as good ones) or maybe I just have someone shaking their head and thankful that it’s me and not them. Whatever the reason, if someone wasn’t reading, I would no longer write; so another thank you for motivating me to do a positive and constructive activity and I look forward to seeing where the next 200 posts find me/us.
I will be back with the posts I promised you on Sister Someone, breast cancer, Halloween, Dating Game contestants (have mercy!) and I have a wild hair up my ass about making plans for some reason so that is now on the agenda. Again, THANK YOU for helping me make it to Post #200 and enjoy your day!