After over a year of blogging and almost 200 posts….I am still talking about HIM. When will he leave my thoughts, my head, my heart? When will I stop allowing him to interrupt my life? Yes, I allow him to invade my thoughts and I am the one who takes the time to listen and look when shit happens over in his corner of the world. Don’t get me wrong, I have made GREAT progress….if you read my earlier posts when the fiasco first happened, I sound as delusional and denial filled as I say him is. Back then, I would have bet serious money that him and I would be reunited as the BTH was merely a flash in the pan or him was looking to sow wild oats before settling down for a happily ever after with ME….the ending to the story of us was not one I could have imagined in a million years, but it is the reality. The treatment he subjected me to, the ultimate rejection from a man who told me I was so many wonderful, incredible and awesome things…I was so tangled up in him, I lost myself and it is a wonder and a miracle I am not in an orange jumpsuit and him is in a pine box.
Today, I can accept my reality. Today, I can make peace with the pain but still, I have not completely let go. I still have that little piece of hope, but that is not why I have not let go (did anyone else notice I did not say I can’t let go…because I can….I just haven’t)…I think when it comes to that person we feel/think is The One, you will always hold out hope but you don’t put your life on hold for them. No, I have not let go because more than the love I feel and have for him, more than the connection and chemistry…I hold a true liking and friendship for this man. A true, real and unconditional friendship and when things go wrong in a friendship, one will fuck it up, say mean things or even walk away but when they look back, you want to be there because you know eventually, they will need your friendship again. Real friends don’t leave and cannot stay angry at each other because who else will you tell all your secrets and dreams and vents to and who will listen and give you the advice you need? I know about true friendship….it is what has allowed me to have conversations that never happened, it is what has supported me through this fiasco and what keeps me strong during the process, it is what keeps Sister Someone on this Panel, it is what makes a once a month, 10 minute phone call so special and no one has gone anywhere. I have stomped off, cursed and screamed but my true friends….not only are they still here but I think I may have found another one in UTA as she keeps hanging in there with me.
So this is why I have not let go….because once upon a time, him was as much my friend as I am his and regardless of what is going on in that corner of the world…..eventually, him is going to need a friend and I want to be that friend for him. I no longer want him the way I used to…too much damage and after all that has happened, we will both see each other differently. Hell, I see myself differently and the new me isn’t even going to try to reconcile with a man so callous and indifferent. The different me can almost see the blessing in the entire fiasco…I was exerting too much time, energy and effort for the barest of attention and while I could say the good times made it all worthwhile, there weren’t enough good times to keep justifying my investments. Which may be why I was so excited and hopeful and ready to believe with the last reconciliation…he was saying to ME the things I was saying to him and I just really felt that he had finally seen me. I have said it before and will say it again…love and relationships are hard work, but they should not be hard. I once said him is not a bad person, but he is the villain in my story and the friend in me has sympathy for the devil. I still hear things (BTH makes a 5 minute cameo at the Island every payday…and I was PISSED to hear that….she has him, the house, she has invaded what I thought of and looked at as MY territory…can I PLEASE just have the Island to myself?), I still see things…Chef has sent us non-Islanders a picture and while it is not the best, I can see where he looks incredibly old…Morning Person and Oscar agree with me but Bell Pepper sees no difference. None of us have seen enough to comment on the sickly part though. And from where I stand, things are not looking as lovey dovey as him wants me to believe, but I am biased and prejudiced and still a tad hurt and envious but I am not so narrow-minded as to not think that perhaps he really does love this woman and is happier than ever…after all, she presented herself to him baggage and all, and he still married her. That does not mean that he will not/does not need a friend and I have moved on enough past the hurt and pain to want to rebuild that bridge at least.
I had a conversation with Cuz the other night (a 5 hour conversation) and Cuz was fussing that I have not moved on because I am not being sexually active. Okay, I think we have been through this one before….I am not healed over enough and do not have the proper mindset to indulge in sex with random strangers for the fun of it. I have always needed some form of validation and seriously, if I am having sex for a onetime thing with strangers, I do not know why I cannot be paid for it. They get what they want, I get validation and everyone is happy. Cuz says that makes me a whore and I am like….I have NO problem with that. I have never had a problem with being one…it is the world’s oldest profession and I am betting my efforts towards a job well done are better appreciated in that realm than in an office setting. Cuz asked was I worried that those behaviors would lead me back to addiction….and I am here to tell him and anyone else thinking that….the answer is NO. Addiction is no place I see myself returning and if all the pain and hardships I have suffered in recovery so far have not led me back, doing what I have to (safely and sanely) to put dollars in my pocket won’t.
I am working on moving past him and have made great strides in that arena, and am willing to work on moving on (remember my Dating Game?) but it is still a process and I am still in it. The remaining pieces will fall into place when they fall…I am not manipulating any events to try and shape my future. I am working on staying in the present, accepting my reality and making the most of the cards I find myself being dealt all across the board, I sincerely hope this post and my words and thoughts and feelings made sense to someone other than myself. As someone once told me: I can explain it to you but I can’t make you understand it.
I will be back soon with another post about something I have been wanting to talk about for the longest….instant gratification. Enjoy your day!