I told you guys this was going to happen…I am traipsing along my little path of process and progress and wham! Bump in the road. I am telling you guys how over him I am becoming and how I am moving on and he is becoming a distant memory and in the middle of a random CL chat…he invades my thoughts and then I start remembering things. The catalyst was a random question: do I ever hook up with guys I meet online? My response was truthful…I used to before the serious relationship that ended in a very messy and unexpected manner. Now, I no longer look for what I seek on CL because it just will not be found there and sex for the sake of sex is no longer “fun”. Of course I want a face across the table and to be held close at night (maybe 3 nights a week), but I have to have the relationship…I cannot be used and played sexually or emotionally anymore. Period. And my chat partner told me I would never fully enjoy or embrace my singleness until I let go of all expectations. The expectation I held for him (and still hold, it simply is no longer a great expectation)…I am now foisting onto random strangers.
Dude is right….and when he said that, I could not help but to remember things…things that involved him. I remember the first time I told him I loved him. I wish I could tell you guys some romantic story about that moment. After all, I am confessing the deepest of emotions to a man I had felt something for the first time I saw him…but I told him I loved him in the middle of a knockdown, drag out argument. We were doing our usual I want to leave/tell me why argument and I told him he was a destined to be a lonely, middle aged man, jacking off in his basement for the rest of his life. Him came back with it was nice to see how I really feel about him, and I told him how I really feel? I LOVED him, damnit and he was too dumb to notice. Him said he knew…he had always known. I told him to go to hell and cried…and then he came back with, I want to see you. Oh, did I mention this was all via email?
I remember how we could never stay angry with each other. We had an argument once and I have no idea how we got to this argument or how it escalated so quickly, but he pretty much said he would not help me with the rent and he was completely, honestly and unequivocally done with me. Lose his phone number and email address and to never communicate with him ever again. I told him to wander butt naked in rush hour traffic down a busy street and die. He said I hated him; I said he was the one with the hatred as he was willing to see me homeless. We went two days with no communication and I cried all weekend to Artsy Craftsy….Monday morning, he emailed me asking for my address. I ignored him (the Panel told me to) and he said I knew he cared and my welfare and well being was a priority….please give him my address as he is old and forgetful. I did so, and 2 days later, I had a check from him. I asked him why he did this and he asked was I busy the coming weekend. He was so sorry….forgive him? And I was so happy that it was not the end of us….
I remember how we could not keep our hands off each other, which would explain why all of our arguments took place online. Once we saw each other, it was over…..the anger, the ugly words, the death threats….gone. And to give him credit, the man has only called me out of my name once…I was the one with the ugly words, but I think I have always known I could never hurt him emotionally the way he hurt me, so I used my words and I used them over and over again so he could hurt as often as I did. But when we saw each other, there was no hurt…there were smiles and laughter and we were always touching each other. I came to the Island one afternoon for lunch with the Panel and to drop off his birthday present. We were estranged at the time, and I wanted to tell him face to face I could no longer do this dance. I was leaving and wanted to tell him goodbye. We sat in the car, and we talked and talked and talked…and while we talked, I ran my fingers through his hair, he rubbed my thigh, we held hands and we kissed. I kept breaking eye contact because just drinking him in caused the butterflies to dance around in my tummy and we played the “close your eyes and hold out your hand” game when giving someone a surprise. He said no way in two hells was he closing both eyes around me, so he winked his right eye and held out his left hand. And we made plans to see each other again.
I remember the very first argument we had….he stood me up for a date that weekend…I had made seafood salad and sat around naked for two days. Calls and texts went unanswered and emails went unread. When he finally responded, I lit into him like a rocket and we exchanged words back and forth and he made me so angry, my headband popped. Just like that..it broke in two pieces while still holding my hair back. We did not speak, we did not communicate at all. I got reports and updates from Quiet One and Artsy Craftsy and he appeared to be just as miserable as I was. The deadly metro crash is what reunited us….I live on the red line and he sent me an email asking was I okay. I told him I hadn’t even left the house that day and he thanked God I was not on the train that afternoon. I came up to the Island with a card for him maybe 3 days later (I missed him and this was getting stupid) and as I walked past his window to enter the building, I stopped and just stared at him…he was at his desk, working on something and he was so handsome to me and my heart was so filled with love and uncertainty because I knew I did not want to let him go….not then, not ever. And when he looked up and saw me…the smile that crossed his face let me know he at least felt the same way…that time.
I remember how big his bed was and how I could roll around on it at least 3 times before reaching the other side and how I told him my bed was a get in where you fit in sort of deal. I remember kissing in his driveway at midnight and how I had just washed my van before coming to see him and when I left it was glowing neon green from all the pollen that had fallen. I remember us laughing and how we made each other feel so wonderful with simple conversations. I remember kisses that lasted forever. I remember being in love.
And I do have expectations: I expect healthy versus unhealthy; I expect my version of sex to be okay until I can fall in love with the person (my version is me getting a massage and various body part worship and that being enough for everyone involved); I want someone who will give me the good times without World War III having to break out first; I expect to be in love again, and to settle back in bed with Chinese food and movies and to fall asleep with my head on their chest; I expect GREAT (did you hear me? I said GREAT) sex; I expect dates and day trips and phone calls and emails that will not go ignored. I expect not to be hurt again. I am sure all of these expectations are not too much( well, my version of sex may be too much and the never being hurt again) but right now, it is. I have to learn to let go and go with the flow…I need to learn to crawl again before I can walk. Hell, I cannot even handle a one night stand right now regardless of the perks and benefits offered, so how can I handle a relationship and being in love? I need to learn to let go of the expectations because right now, I am expecting every other man who looks at me in “that way” to make up for the wrongs him did to me. But how? How to let go of it ALL (him is only the beginning and obviously, I am still holding onto something), and be free to enjoy the perks of single life? I don’t know and the answer ain’t coming tonight or in this blog post, so I am going to shut up now and head to bed. Enjoy your day, and if you do know of a way to let go of all the expectations…help a sista out!