I am surprised to be posting so soon after what has happened, but I and the entire Panel were told to live.our.lives. Our friend needs a distraction while dealing with the planning and what better way than to carry on and talk with them, not to them or about them. And talk to them about KBugg, SS/BE, Girlfriend’s upcoming skydiving adventure and the process. They want to know what everyone else is doing and not have to think about what they have to do and deal with. So I thought I would talk to everybody and put this post out in cyberspace before heading to bed.
I am talking a lot lately about how I am getting better, and I decided to tell you guys how I know I am. For the first time, I am not saying things to bolster my morale nor am I throwing things out in the Universe hoping eventually they will manifest themselves…I know, and this is how I know.
Maturity: Maturity is more than an age…it is how you conduct yourself when life throws you the unexpected. I can truthfully say in the year that has passed, I have grown. I am no longer making crank calls to his phone at all hours of the day and night. Yes, it’s true…I would do a *67 and dial his number….I did it at work, at home and a LOT of times at 2, 3…sometimes 4 in the morning. Sometimes he would answer and sound a variety of ways: excited, sad, angry and sometimes really neutral…never happy though, although a couple of times he would use that voice he uses when he has a woman. Other times he would not answer but the phone would ring and ring; then there were times he would cut the phone off mid-ring. The sad part is, I did not care if he answered or not…I wanted to disrupt his life as much as I could without physically stalking him or pitching a tent in his driveway…the way I felt he had disrupted mine. Except I probably only ended up irritating him, if I managed that. And none of that matters now…I now know he is free to live his life the way he sees fit and he can no longer hurt me unless I allow it to happen.
Reminders: I find myself waking up with no dread and no rocks in my tummy; I find I can go days at a stretch without thinking of him and then I will go and mess it up by saying: I haven’t thought of him in a while…and that is when I think of him again. There are times I have to remind myself that I am hurting and heartbroken, and I really do not feel that way anymore. Okay, there are days I do miss him so terribly it is sickening but not like it was in the beginning ; hell, not like it was 3 months ago. The fact that I have to remind myself that I am wounded lets me know I am not as wounded as I think, and it was for this reason I stopped with the crank calls…I had to remind myself to crank call him.
Too Much Information: I know too much and really, it is not right. Of course I know his information…hell, I was in a relationship with the man and none of his information has changed…not even the phone number. I remember when all of this first happened, I thought how stupid he was to think I would not use this information to his disadvantage…after all, I know where he works, where he lives and I have his financial information, but I never did anything with it. But now, I know too much information about the BTH…I know where she lives (we knew where she lived before he moved her into his house), I know what she looks like and how she likes to dress, I know her maiden name, I have her phone number and email address(she gave me the email address when she jumped into the fray between him and I; the phone number’s source shall remain confidential), I know the color and make of her car. WHY do I know so much about her? I do not recall being in a relationship with her! I know her husband’s favorite meal, his favorite drink, his favorite sexual act, how he likes to be massaged, what jokes he likes and I know what flavor of ice cream he enjoys. I know the things he is doing for her (or because of her) that he has never done before. I know the layout of their house, I know what their furniture is like and I know where their bedroom is and which door he enters the house through. I know too much and I really wish I didn’t. It leads to the speculation and I have them having a great and wonderful life where everyone smiles and kisses all the time…when I remind myself to think about him/them.
No More News: Artsy Craftsy declared the day after his wedding that there would be no more updates from her. The man simply no longer existed for her and he should no longer exist for me either. Of course, when she gets really good gossip or a tidbit that may or may not be relevant, we hold it up to the light, examine it and put it in the Box of Strange Things…I blog about it, share with the rest of the Panel and there it sits. Sometimes, in talking with members, I get updates/reports and before, I would be all over it. Now? I am kinda irked that they have ruined a perfectly good conversation by bringing him up. Again, him and I are over (and I am no longer believing Panel members who say it is a hiatus…him and BTH may not last, but him and I will never be again) and I understand that him may come up in a conversation or two, but seriously, if I am bitching about Sister Someone or talking about a movie I want to see…I do not need to hear about the man’s weight loss or how horribly aged he looks. He is healthier and happier than he has ever been in his life and it would serve us all well to remember that.
Love/Hate: Of course I still love him….I never used his information against him, he is walking around without a bullet in his brain, his clothing and belongings do not reek of deer piss, his tires won’t blow out on the highway and his house is still standing. Am I still in love with him? Hard to say but I am willing to wager the answer is no. Of course there is hope, but I am no longer polishing it so it shines bright and I am no longer convinced in my brain that even if his fairytale blows up in his face, I am his port in the storm…hell, I am hoping that they do stay together and he will never look my way again. And I mean that statement….because there is nothing over here for him any longer. I am no longer willing to listen or be friends or any of the things people say after a breakup. He demeaned me, belittled me and treated me less than less than. As for the hate….what I hate more than anything at this point in time is that I do not hate him the way I feel I should. In fact, I do not hate him at all…I get incredibly angry at his actions and his choices but I do not hate him. Hatred is exhausting and really, the people you harbor hatred against don’t know or don’t care. Who knows the reasons for his actions? All I know is he won’t get another chance to perform them on me.
And this is how I know I am getting better and letting go and moving forward…I am channeling the control issues into things I do have control over: me, my actions and my emotions. The process is doing what it does and I would love to say (again!) that I am processed, it’s over and I am healed but it’s not and I’m not. So we soldier on and see what comes around the bend next. Now I am headed to bed…I need to pick up at least two cards tomorrow and see if I can work a plant into my budget…I am thinking of getting our friend a plant versus flowers. A plant is a living thing…it will grow and thrive and hopefully be a constant reminder to our friend of the love and friendship we feel for her. Enjoy your day!!