The title of this post is two-fold…I have an Independent Consultant/friend who is going through her own breakup. Her marriage is over, yet she is stuck in the limbo of separation and all she wants is for her husband to return. She reaches out and hates herself for appearing weak…she has never been single before and with all the pain and hurt that comes with heartbreak, she now has fear and change to deal with. In fact, she cannot even grieve the way she wants/needs to because she has a child who is looking to Mommy to make everything all right. All I can tell her is to not rush herself; healing has no time line and while I empathize and sympathize with the hurt and if I could I would wave a wand and make it go away, but I can’t. You have to go through the hurting to heal….look at this as a physical injury: if you had broken a bone in multiple places or torn/ripped a muscle or ligament, you expect to be laid up for weeks, maybe months while things healed over, and re-attached themselves to make you as good as new. You may complain a little about the limited mobility and the itching but you learn to live with the pain, until one day you look around and there is no pain, and you can move freely again. Heartbreak is like that…you go through the stages of grief, have some pity parties and you live with the pain…and one day, you aren’t healed but you are better. The tears come less, and the hurt doesn’t hurt as much. Then better becomes even better…you think less and less of them and more about you…and eventually you are healed and as good as new. Just take each day as it comes, know that you have lots of support (you are not alone in this, as much as you may feel you are) and while we may offer suggestions, you are under no obligation to do anything. It is your journey and you have to do what YOU feel is best for you. Know that you are not helpless, hopeless or a lost cause…you are just reeling and healing from a huge, heartbreaking loss..
The second part of the title is for me…it has been over a year since the fiasco, and I can truthfully say I AM healing. The hurt has faded and it is a mild discomfort. I still have the speculative questions but there are no answers and I am done trying to find them. I cannot wish him happiness (I will ALWAYS be a petty, grudge holding bitch) but deep down, I do hope he IS happy. I am unsure if anyone knows how much I want the Panel and I to be wrong in our assessments and presumptions of the BTH and his hasty decision, but I have to say for a person to flip another’s deep-set and long-held belief/value system, they must be pretty special, so maybe she isn’t all bad.
I can see where I made mistakes: too honest, overly accommodating, too easy to forgive and forget…and remind me to NOT tell the next guy I may have slept with more women than he has. I am not excusing his behaviors or treatments, but maybe I have forgiven them since I no longer wish to put bullets in his brains or cover his belongings in deer piss except once a week. I can hear news/gossip and I can shrug it off…yeah, there are speculations, debates and questions but it is what it is and it be what it be. I do miss sharing jokes, emails and my day with him, but him is no longer the first person I think of when it comes time to share such things. I do hold onto that little piece of hope…for him to return, for us to be in love, for us to have a happily ever after….and I have that being okay. I am not basing any decisions off that piece of hope, and I am not going to try and make things happen…the hope just is. And I have so many people and things to thank for making it to this point….no, I am not completely healed and who knows? Tomorrow I could wake up crying buckets because we were so perfect together and damnit, I LOVE him….but today, I know how to love from afar while moving on with my life. Our paths have diverged, and the path I have been thrust upon has been filled with so many wonderful people I never would have met otherwise.
The Panel…I say it ALL.THE.TIME…..if it weren’t for these people, who knows where I would be? Not just with this fiasco, but with so much that has happened before. They keep me grounded and remind me I go through weird stages but they are there with me every time. I have cursed some of them out, I have cried endless tears over my crap while they are going through their dramas and personal tragedies and they are there. They let me be wrong and we have sat in the quiet together and have gotten rowdy together. They give me their ears, their shoulders, tissues to wipe my eyes and blow my nose, they give me their time, their love and their friendship. I cannot believe I have a group of people who are so understanding and accepting of me….and I love each and every one of them with all my heart. I cannot even say anything else because words are inadequate to express what they mean to me and what they do for me by simply answering the phone, regardless of the reason for the call.
UTA: Okay, so she is brand new but I felt a bond with her from the moment I read her blog…short comments here and there became longer comments and voila….here we are. The one thing I like about UTA is her enthusiasm to embrace the unknown…she and Larissa were the only two folks to say go for it with the relocation….starting over is starting over, and why not do so with a fresh canvas? Distance is no match for true love or true friendship and you only live once! I also like she dispenses the advice we all hear during loss and heartbreak and she knows when one is ready to hear it and accept it, they will…in the meantime, here it is in case you need it sooner versus later.
My Blog/Other Blogs: I read my blog…I click the “Random Post” link under the Info button and when I read back, I see the pain, confusion and heartbreak…and I know I have come so far yet there is still further work to be done. I also read all those healthy, empowering, self-improvement type thingies I say and now, they make sense and seem doable. Maybe with him being quiet and me letting go and understanding what everyone (including myself) was saying in the beginning of this, further isn’t that far away. And then I go internet surfing and I am sure plenty of women have started blogs that were NOT born of heartbreak, but right now, I don’t know and don’t care. I need help, the Panel needs a break and I have read so many blogs where single women are going through the same things I am, and their experiences and ways of handling things are an inspiration to me. Their honesty, their humor and their empathy comes through so clearly….the journeys and stories are amazing and when I read of their healing and what they found on the other side of heartbreak, I know there is hope. I am reading/following these four bloggers faithfully: Catherine (http://simplysolo.wordpress.com/ ); Larissa/Thoughts Simply Arise (http://larissathinksalot.blogspot.com/); UTA (http://undertheabaya.wordpress.com/ ) and Thoughts Appear (http://thoughtsappear.wordpress.com/ ). Because of these women, I realize that him is not unique and not that horrible..he is only unique and horrible to me.
Television: So it’s not a person…I still learn so much from it. Big Brother (I so want to be a houseguest on that show!) has shown me that loyalty is simply a 7 letter word that means nothing until Final 3 and promises are meant to be broken; arguments and name calling are NOT effective means of communication and/or airing grievances and lies are always revealed. Suits has taught me that it is true…the one you don’t need the most in your life is the one who will pop up like a bad penny…time after time after time when you least expect it and at the most inopportune times and that even the most hardened and jaded amongst us does care…you just have to find what their passion is. Grey’s Anatomy….this show is my spouse, my muse, my teacher and Meredith and Christina are my BFFs. From them I have learned that talking about your issues is not the same as working on them; no matter how funky the argument or how wide the rift, true friends are always there for you. I learned that no one has a say in how you choose to repair what has been broken or has the right to call you names, especially not the one who caused the damage. People who say they don’t know what they want or what they are looking for really do know…what they mean is they don’t want it with you. You never give up on the ones you truly love, you simply become less overt in your actions/efforts; sometimes you can do everything right and still end up wrong and you never know the right person is the wrong person until you have given them your all but that taking a chance on love (again) makes it all worth it.
And there are so many others: my mom, my sis-sis, my co-workers (a couple of them crazy, one may be psychotic but overall, a great bunch of folks that fill a great portion of my day), the three sane chat partners I have found on Craigslist….all have done their part in distracting me, encouraging me and making me see the silver linings in the clouds. So, yeah…the hurting is healing, I’m still getting better and life goes on. Enjoy your day!