Recently, UTA did a blog post that was actually a letter to her future husband…in it, she listed her expectations of him and her and listed what made her the person she is and that post got me to thinking what do I want from my next partner? I know I say I have no idea what I want and what I am not ready for, but that is a cop out, and we all know that a copout is merely an evasion as I feel the yahoos in this area are too shallow and superficial. I do know what I want and I know if someone came along offering these things, I would be ready. So here is my list of what I want, don’t want and what I can do to ensure I do not repeat past mistakes.
I do know I am not looking for and will not settle for acronyms (Friends With Benefits, Fuck Buddy, No Strings Attached) or one night stands. I am at an age and a place where I need more…I need the dating, the exclusivity, the person who wants to see ME, not my tits or my pussy. I want someone who is willing to put forth the same effort to get to know me as he would to come screw me and build on a foundation of friendship, trust and respect. Someone who will go slowly and not have expectations or saddle me with a sense of obligation. I want someone to come over and take care of me when I am sick and who will come over to massage my neck and shoulders when my muscles are so tight they are causing tension headaches and someone who will cuddle and kiss and we have sex because it something we both want to do…it is not all we do. Someone I can surprise at their metro accessible office with lunch and share my day with. I want dates, weekend getaways, random flowers delivered to my job and surprise kisses in public. Someone capable of giving me the relationship , attention and affection I am deserving and worthy of.
To that end, I can no longer keep defining myself in the sexual. I have always relied on my body to charm and seduce men and define me and it is time to stop. When this entire fiasco went down with him and the BTH (I would call her Sushi (that is growing on me) but Morning Person reminded me that is not nice), before New Mommy, Artsy Craftsy and I found the pictures of her…I asked what does she look like, and all I ever heard was she had big tits. And for some reason, that is what stuck in my mind..even more so than the fact she had 3 kids. We have an idea of her personality based on her scattered communications with me, but honestly, we have no idea what the woman is like, so all I had to go by was what she presents on the surface …and on the surface, MY tits are bigger than hers! As sad and pathetic as it sounds, my self-esteem and self-worth and this relationship that left me feeling so wonderful when things were good had boiled down to a pair of breasts. I am more than breasts and a blowjob…I am intelligent, respectful, attractive, humorous and a classy lady (really, I am!). I need to act as such. This is a big part of why I need to go slowly with the sexual aspect ….sex is messy, and when one is still emotionally vulnerable, it can be catastrophic. I need the time it takes to get to know someone to sort my emotions. The only thing worse than feeling sexually used (and with my issues that won’t be difficult) is to tangle lust and love.
More than likely, my new partner will not be a part of my varied circles, so I will have to go slowly with them about me and my issues and why I am the way I am. They are not Married Man or him who knew all about my past and the addiction and how I supported my habit. This person will not know why validation and reassurances are so important to me. Married Man actually witnessed me in my addiction and him knew me in various capacities over the course of 6 years…this person won’t and I cannot just dump my baggage all over the table from the jump just to get it all out of the way. I will need to not bring residual feelings into the relationship nor can I come with generalizations or stereotypes. A big thing between him and I was the fact I dragged my trust issues leftover from Married Man into what we had….him never knew the extent to which I carried these issues (remember, I hacked into his email account and read his emails) but we both felt the reverberations of my actions. I will need to cut things off when they are not working…I am not in a marriage and this person is not my child. No longer will I hang on and hang around because I am thinking all we need is more time. Married Man lasted at least a good two years longer because I was holding on to lies and illusions and him and I….we simply should never have started back up again. There were so many warning signs but I loved him and thought him had finally seen me…who I am and what I offer. A man can see what you offer and who you are to him and with him and it does not take years for them to do so. This time around, I am loving me more. I do know I want chemistry and attraction…with Married Man there was only attraction and only in the beginning…it was so different with him. There were sparks and electricity and our chemistry and attraction made us the only two people in the room…and I want that. Doubtful I will have that intensity with the next person, but both must be present. I want conversations versus talks, intimacy versus sex and I want connections…on every level with someone on my level.
I realize I will have to make some compromises….even though I come to the table with no children, I have to be realistic. At this stage of life, most people do and I will have to stop excluding the single fathers…hell, to keep excluding them makes a shallow pool even smaller. I do want a taller man…one my height or taller would be manna from heaven but if he is 5’11 or taller, that would be ideal. I realize some men want to be taller/bigger than their mate, but I am sure out there is a man who can deal with the height difference and not feel inadequate while doing so. I think I want a man slightly younger…I am young at heart and with the right person, I am sexual and affectionate and I want someone who can keep up when I get going. I also think a younger man could offer more of what I seek as far as mental stimulation. I want someone who will expand my horizons ( I still do not know how to bowl, and maybe some live plays and live music would be nice) and share my interests, which are varied and unusual. I want to meet the person who will inspire me to improve myself both mentally and physically and that may be the biggest compromise of all as I think I am better than sliced white bread when my issues aren’t acting up.
So who knows where and when I will meet this taller, younger guy who may or may not have children? Who knows where we will end up? I know I am not going to be rushing it or pushing it and I am not looking at every guy as if he could be THE ONE, but this time around I will be dating and having fun while doing so, not just having “fun”. They say the joy is in the journey, not the destination. I say it is time I start enjoying my singleness and find out.