You know, I think I am just not. cut. out. to be an optimist, no matter how hard I try. As Meredith Grey says, “Some of us are just dark and twisty. Bright and shiny is not for us.” I have been blogging about my new attitude and how I am going to get out there and show the world just how much better I am after all the processing and progression. And then…wham! Life comes at me fast and really, today life is sucky fucky bang bang crappy. I do not know what I do or have done to deserve such crap (and in light of my friend’s recent loss, my crap is probably trivial) but I am really tired of the shit end of the stick. Seriously.
Why don’t we start with what caused the apple cart that is my life to go off balance….I was supposed to have a date this evening. Movies and Ollie burgers…anyone remember that? Anyone remember me talking about Wanna Be and what a great evening we had and how we made all these plans and I actually did get up earlier to make the bed, throw some laundry in the wash, mop the bathroom and kitchen floors and even used rug shampoo to give the carpet a fresh, clean look and smell before vacuuming. I had the cute outfit planned (short denim skirt with a split in the front and a white cotton tunic that showed a suitable amount of cleavage) and I had my suggestions for the movie ready to email to the dude. I was prepared for date night…except I am NOT on the date, am I? I am blogging to you guys about the crappiest day ever. DO you know WHY I am not out on a date? Because Wanna Be emails me at 8am to say upon reflection, he is going to cancel because the physical attraction is not there as much as he would like it to be. Okay, I can handle that, but I could have used this particular piece of info yesterday, you moronic idiot!! My question is simple: we exchanged pictures (and I sent very clear, very recent pics); we MET…IN PERSON, and you seemed more than happy to spend time with me and look at me and make FURTHER plans with me…NOW, there is no physical attraction? To be honest, I was more impressed with his mental than his physical (he actually said no woman had ever called him cute or handsome and had never found anything cute about him); I thought we had decent chemistry as it seemed we both stayed way past the time of not being attracted but I am going to view this as part of the experiment….one test subject down, more to go. It is just that it can be frustrating but bonus points for actually cancelling the date versus standing me up.
So my apple cart was already wobbling by the time I got to work, and upon arrival, I could feel the change in the office. You know how spaces have “vibes”? Well, the vibe in the office was definitely tense. The agency is a federal one and is dependent upon Congress for funding….with the current Congress, it is a wonder I am not wrinkly and bald as the financial battles have caused so much stress, it is ridiculous. Well, this time around, a continuing resolution was passed until November 18th, so we were all told we had nothing to worry about. WRONG! There were whispers about emergency meetings, no budget, 10% cuts….I finally called the temp agency that placed me there and asked what was going on. My BOSS at the temp agency asked had I talked to my supervisor yet…and I am looking at the phone in complete disbelief. I not so gently reminded him HE was my supervisor…no one was a permanent employee where I was placed and HE was the one signing my paycheck. He finally admitted that I was on the chopping block and he begged me to please go out as a lady. I hung up the phone, promptly packed up my desk and put pending tasks in a neat little pile. And waited for the phone call from the agency. Mind you, I received word from the temp agency at 12:45pm (after browbeating it out of them) and did not get a call from the agency itself until 2pm. I passed the time by writing goodbye emails to a select few, smoking, and finding a new home for my pet cactus Charlie….I wanted to bring him home but he is prickly, unwieldy and I fear the cigarette smoke would kill him. I don’t think plants like smoke. There were goodbyes, tears (not mine) and an offer extended….if they ever get their budget straight, would I return? I told them to call me. And this is the incident that just shot the wheels off the cart and tipped it all the way over.
My issue with this is….first, you lied to the entire agency and granted, I can remove that stigma by citing what Morning Person and my Sister are saying: it’s the budget which is in Congress’ hands. But, you had a choice….and the person you say is a top producer , great worker and a true team player is the one you let go?? Why not use this opportunity to rid yourselves of a slacker so a great producer like myself can take on their workload also? Granted I would complain and bitch, BUT the work would get done. Reminds me of Big Brother when everyone talks about getting rid of the bitches and floaters but end up ousting a strong competitor instead.
I have a plan..of sorts. Apply for unemployment and food stamps ( the state and I are about to become BFFs), resume the job search on a totally different level and calm down. My aunt says Higher Power(s) give us tribulation to teach us things and to learn an appreciation for the good times….but I have been on such a roller coaster for the past 3 years both personally and professionally, that I can no longer appreciate good times. I fear them and may potentially sabotage them because they are so fleeting…I know nothing lasts forever be it good times or bad, but bad times last sosososo much longer. So yes, I am dark and twisty and there is no knight in shining armor or professional/financial stability for me….I am a damned good woman to my men and an even better worker at my jobs, and they both fuck me over every.single.time.
Yeah, it’s a pity party….join if you want but bring your own issues and refreshments….the chicken wings and ginger ales are mine. I do hope everyone had a better day than I did and enjoy the weekend. I will be back at some point to talk about something.