Apple Cart

You know, I think I am just not. cut. out. to be an optimist, no matter how hard I try. As Meredith Grey says, “Some of us are just dark and twisty. Bright and shiny is not for us.” I have been blogging about my new attitude and how I am going to get out there and show the world just how much better I am after all the processing and progression. And then…wham! Life comes at me fast and really, today life is sucky fucky bang bang crappy. I do not know what I do or have done to deserve such crap (and in light of my friend’s recent loss, my crap is probably trivial) but I am really tired of the shit end of the stick. Seriously.

Why don’t we start with what caused the apple cart that is my life to go off balance….I was supposed to have a date this evening. Movies and Ollie burgers…anyone remember that? Anyone remember me talking about Wanna Be and what a great evening we had and how we made all these plans and I actually did get up earlier to make the bed, throw some laundry in the wash, mop the bathroom and kitchen floors and even used rug shampoo to give the carpet a fresh, clean look and smell before vacuuming. I had the cute outfit planned (short denim skirt with a split in the front and a white cotton tunic that showed a suitable amount of cleavage) and I had my suggestions for the movie ready to email to the dude. I was prepared for date night…except I am NOT on the date, am I? I am blogging to you guys about the crappiest day ever. DO you know WHY I am not out on a date? Because Wanna Be emails me at 8am to say upon reflection, he is going to cancel because the physical attraction is not there as much as he would like it to be. Okay, I can handle that, but I could have used this particular piece of info yesterday, you moronic idiot!! My question is simple: we exchanged pictures (and I sent very clear, very recent pics); we METIN PERSON, and you seemed more than happy to spend time with me and look at me and make FURTHER plans with me…NOW, there is no physical attraction? To be honest, I was more impressed with his mental than his physical (he actually said no woman had ever called him cute or handsome and had never found anything cute about him); I thought we had decent chemistry as it seemed we both stayed way past the time of not being attracted but I am going to view this as part of the experiment….one test subject down, more to go. It is just that it can be frustrating but bonus points for actually cancelling the date versus standing me up.

So my apple cart was already wobbling by the time I got to work, and upon arrival, I could feel the change in the office. You know how spaces have “vibes”? Well, the vibe in the office was definitely tense. The agency is a federal one and is dependent upon Congress for funding….with the current Congress, it is a wonder I am not wrinkly and bald as the financial battles have caused so much stress, it is ridiculous. Well, this time around, a continuing resolution was passed until November 18th, so we were all told we had nothing to worry about. WRONG! There were whispers about emergency meetings, no budget, 10% cuts….I finally called the temp agency that placed me there and asked what was going on. My BOSS at the temp agency asked had I talked to my supervisor yet…and I am looking at the phone in complete disbelief. I not so gently reminded him HE was my supervisor…no one was a permanent employee where I was placed and HE was the one signing my paycheck. He finally admitted that I was on the chopping block and he begged me to please go out as a lady. I hung up the phone, promptly packed up my desk and put pending tasks in a neat little pile. And waited for the phone call from the agency. Mind you, I received word from the temp agency at 12:45pm (after browbeating it out of them) and did not get a call from the agency itself until 2pm. I  passed the time by writing  goodbye emails to a select few, smoking, and  finding a new home for my pet cactus Charlie….I wanted to bring him home but he is prickly, unwieldy and I fear the cigarette smoke would kill him. I don’t think plants like smoke. There were goodbyes, tears (not mine)  and an offer extended….if they ever get their budget straight, would I return? I told them to call me. And this is the incident that just shot the wheels off the cart and tipped it all the way over.

My issue with this is….first, you lied to the entire agency and granted, I can remove that stigma by citing what Morning Person and my Sister are saying: it’s the budget which is in Congress’ hands. But, you had a choice….and the person you say is a top producer , great worker and a true team player is the one you let go?? Why not use this opportunity to rid yourselves of a slacker so a great producer like myself can take on their workload also? Granted I would complain and bitch, BUT the work would get done. Reminds me of Big Brother when everyone talks about getting rid of the bitches and floaters but end up ousting a strong competitor instead.

I have a plan..of sorts. Apply for unemployment and food stamps ( the state and I are about to become BFFs), resume the job search on a totally different level and calm down. My aunt says Higher Power(s) give us tribulation to teach us things and to learn an appreciation for the good times….but I have been on such a roller coaster for the past 3 years both personally and professionally, that I can no longer appreciate good times. I fear them and may potentially sabotage them because they are so fleeting…I know nothing lasts forever be it good times or bad, but bad times last sosososo much longer. So yes, I am dark and twisty and there is no knight in shining armor or professional/financial stability for me….I am a damned good woman to my men and an even better worker at my jobs, and they both fuck me over every.single.time.

Yeah, it’s a pity party….join if you want but bring your own issues and refreshments….the chicken wings and ginger ales are mine. I do hope everyone had a better day than I did and enjoy the weekend. I will be back at some point to talk about something.

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Brave New World

Before I blogged about it, before I embarked on it…I knew I would have to be ready to hit the dating scene again. I thought if I could hide behind waiting for what I truly want to come along,  if I could just wait out the marriage and  hold on for him to return, I could avoid having to get to know people and allowing them to get to know me. Because being ready to date is so much more than wondering if you are emotionally healed enough to go forth without fucking over the next person…hell, after heartbreak, I don’t think you are really ready. To me, it is like deciding to have children…you can’t ever be ready for them and you can never plan enough….like love, getting back out there just happens. I am venturing forth not because I feel I need to or have to…I want to. But it requires effort to talk with people, sift the chaff from the wheat and see who is worth your time and who isn’t. It is tough being rejected or having to do the rejecting.  I am not looking for that instantaneous attraction or intense chemistry, although he has to “get” me…I am looking for someone I can grow with and be with and be myself with. The plus side to dating is you get free snacks, get to talk about yourself all the time and can wear the same outfit twice and no one is the wiser. I am going to focus on the plus side.

I decided to be ready in another way…I went shopping. The creditors are going to have shit fits but I don’t care. A girl has to be prepared and what makes me feel all happy and pretty and brand spanking new is shopping. I bought 2 suits, 3 dresses (with the help of Artsy Craftsy), 20 pairs of pantyhose (okay, not really for dating per se….colder weather is coming and no way am I going bare legged in the fall/winter),  3 pairs of textured tights, perfume, 2 pieces of lingerie ( I am not stupid…I know how a great date ends), 2 pairs of panties, a tan linen skirt and an animal print blouse. I know the guys will be new and my old outfits would do just as well, but who agrees that there is NOTHING like new clothes, unless, it is new shoes?

Well, along comes Wanna Be….I answered his online ad and really, on Craigslist (CL), there simply are no ads worth answering. Reading them, laughing over them and sometimes praying for those people happens, but answering one?  Not now. However, his ad was respectful and sincere…yes, he wanted the ultimate goal, but not right away. He wanted to be friends first, meet for dates and conversations…he was open-minded as to race, age and size….just be friendly, confident and single. So I answered and I was impressed with his vocabulary and the intelligence that came through in his writing. He stated he was TALL (only an inch shorter than me…thankyouthankyouthankyou), white and 26. I was stuck on the 26 part for  a minute (after all, using my math where 40 is the new 25, I am 30..still older than he is!) but I got over it quickly. I have dated my age range and older than me….and I have learned that age does not equal maturity and the older the man, the more issue laden he is. He was college educated (intelligence trumps education in my book), gainfully employed and had travelled internationally. He was funny (not LOL, but more subtle), well read and he has actually heard of the TV shows I watch….was not familiar with my music but that’s okay. He said he was willing to listen to it. Perfect, right?

The reason I call him Wanna Be is that even though he claimed to be white and have an Anglo name, his email handle contained a Middle Eastern name….nothing against Middle Easterners at all, but right now I am on my white boy kick and that is what I wanted. He says he got the name while in a Muslim country (part of his Peace Corps tour, so UTA and I dubbed him a Wanna Be Muslim) but I had to consult with UTA and Cuz about it….neither of them believed him , but Wanna Be had more in the positive column than in the negative column, so we could stick it out and see what the deal really was. I told you all in the last blog post, we had made a date this weekend to go bowling and get some ice cream afterwards, but he sends an email the day before asking if I am still around the downtown area, would I care to meet for drinks? It would not affect our weekend date…he simply wished to unwind over a beer or two and thought I would be great company. I said yes and we met. I was nervous as hell and felt as if I were going on a job interview….I told a couple of people who I smoke with at work ( I call them the Puff Puff Crew) about it, and they asked did I have mace or something to fend him off if he got too aggressive. I just looked at them and said I had me…6’4” and 300 pounds…I would be fine. I really wasn’t worried though…it was happy hour at a popular restaurant.

We met at the bar..eventually. The restaurant has two bars….one in the front and one in the rear…of course I was at one while he was at the other but we found each other. You guys know I don’t drink so while he had beer, I had French fries and a brownie. I wanted chili and ice cream, but they were out of both! *sad face* We talked about work, life in DC, hockey (tentative plans to go see a live hockey game were made) and we people watched. He asked me what I thought about life…my response: it sucked but beat the alternative. I asked about his ad and the responses he received and he said none were as interesting as me.  I never elaborated on the Middle Eastern name, and he never expounded, so maybe that will be a story for another date. I really felt comfortable with him and I can honestly say he is white and American. We spent time with comfortable silences and sharing smiles. Afterwards, he walked me to the bus stop in the park and we discussed plans for the next date. Apparently, he has not been bowling in 7 years and while he is willing to go bowling, he wants to wait until we are more comfortable with each other. My first thought was, it’s just bowling…but I do understand where he is coming from. We are definitely in the getting to know you stage and this is when you put your best foot forward….so we agreed to go catch an independent film (I thought Fun one would be my only companion for foreign/independent films) and maybe burgers instead.  I do not think I am compromising too soon….he is as nervous as I am and who wants to  make a fool of themselves early in the game?

Oh, funny story….while we stood in the park waiting for my bus (he was taking the train), I smoked a cigarette. Smoking did not bother Wanna Be but he said he never met someone who smoked, but did not drink. I told him live long enough and you will see most anything. My addiction/recovery will be my story for another date. So in any case, there is an Indian couple in the park also and the gentleman walked up to us and asked could I spare a cigarette, but only if it were menthol. The lady spoke up that they were learning to smoke and had chosen Newports over Marlboros and she would be so grateful if I had one to give them….I did. And to see them trying to smoke and giggle at the fact that they were being little kids playing grown up and giggling as if the tobacco were weed; to see  the lady choking but determined to get it right because she thought smoking was cool and sophisticated; the man trying to show her how to hold the cigarette….hilarious! Afterwards, the woman wanted her picture taken with me! HOW could I resist? Wanna Be was just taking it all in and found it funny as I did, and when my bus came, he slung his bag over his shoulder and we ended the date with a hug and a promise to talk the next day.

So my first date in who knows how long….I think it went well. I hope it went well. Who knows? He could sit up here and cancel at the last minute or flat out ignore my communications. Or he could have found me funny, insightful and attractive and we will be at the movies sharing a popcorn. Just to be safe, I plan to put fresh linen on the bed, clean the house up some and maybe even shave my legs(!) before I leave out for work. I will have a healthy breakfast and lunch (nothing that would cause gas or weigh  me down)  and wear a cute outfit to work.  You have to be as prepared as possible with this dating thing. Not expecting a great date, but a good date would not be out of the question.

I will return with an update over the weekend …enjoy your day!

 

 

 

That Horse is Dead

I have not blogged in quite awhile….work has been hellacious and when I get home, I am simply beat. Last weekend I attended the services for my friend’s mother…I was going to do a post called “Mud on my Shoes”, but no one that day attended a funeral. It was a homegoing service that celebrated the long (88 years!) and fruitful life of a woman who touched so many lives in a loving and lasting way. One thing the minister said during the service was that we tend to celebrate the end of a life and not celebrate living life (not in those exact words, but that is how I interpreted it)…pretty much what you hear every time family gathers during a death: we need to see each other more often and not just at these sort of occasions.

Those words got me to thinking…what will be said when I pass? I have no children, so it will be up to my siblings and friends to say something…and do I really want to hear I wasted a good portion of my time and life beating a dead horse? Because that is what my life has been so far….drug addiction, loser lovers and my longest tenure at a job has been not quite 5 years. So I finally decided to make good on some of my  New Year’s Resolution…..I was going to start living my life. I have moved past the damage the fiasco has wrought somewhat, but still I am stagnant. I am allowing fear and expectations to prevent me from fully putting myself out there; I tell myself I am not ready but I blogged before, I know exactly what I want…why not have fun exploring the possibilities instead of shutting myself off from the world?

UTA (I am thinking of changing her name to Foreign Correspondent) helped me a lot with making that decision, even though she does not know it… I blogged about having a hard time letting go of all the expectations and she told me I was protecting myself and until I accepted the fact that things ended the way they did, I would be kind of stuck. I think I have accepted what happened and how it went down…I mean, it happened and there is nothing I can do about it…. I am thinking  I need to reconcile the man I love(d) with the actions him ultimately inflicted upon me.

But, that was only the first part of how she helped…she blogged about holding a job fair for her future mate and named me as a Foreign Consultant. I am honored and flattered, but how can I pick out future life partners for my friends when I am unsure if I can even pick one for myself….so I decided to not do another Craigslist Experiment (so not that chick anymore) but rather a Dating Game. The guys I chose I would choose based on intelligence, respectfulness, personality and finally on physical compatibility. I deliberately put physical compatibility last….I am not known for dating the best looking men ( they are handsome in their own way…tactful way of saying they aren’t all that) but maybe they are…after all, Married Man was…married and him has taken Wife #2 and it ain’t me…but the men I do find attractive, I go an absolute fool for. So this time around I am going for more substantive things. The last two relationships were built upon physical compatibility and sexual attraction and we tried to add the rest on later; there was the friendship I developed with him when I worked for him, but I am finally realizing what Chef said a looong time ago that him and I never took the time to build an intimate friendship. Friendships built around the workplace tend to be different than those built on a personal level, so I will only date guys who are willing to exert efforts and energies into at least one activity other than sex; someone I can have conversations with on a variety of topics; someone who at least shares two of my interests/hobbies and is willing to share his with me and last but not least, someone for whom I can be a priority versus a convenience.

So I started….and found two viable candidates: I shall call them Wanna Be and Kitty Cat Dude (KCD). I met them online, and both started off with intelligent conversation. Wanna Be has an international background but a couple of things he said raised my radar and I shared them with UTA….the girl had me laughing with her observations about him but he was always available to chat and he seemed pretty decent and normal otherwise. Kitty Cat Dude was a completely different story…the man claims to be completely single except for two cats, he leaves work at 4 but cannot chat after work hours and is unavailable on weeknights and weekends. Radar automatically went up but what sealed his fate were a statement and a picture….UTA and I were speechless over his picture and UTA declared he was a “tad bit crazy, no way did he work out…at all and who the hell poses for a picture in that way?” I am still laughing over her very brilliant insights, but her advice was what I needed to tell KDC that it simply was not going to work out. Regardless if we had a one night stand or a short term relationship, he was making it clear it would be on his terms alone and that is not flying in this camp.

Conversations continued with Wanna Be and phone numbers were exchanged…a date was made for the weekend and today…today I decided to take a chance on this brave new world I have decided to enter….a day filled with the drama and ensuing frustration of Sister Someone and Brother Everything (talk about a dead horse!); reassuring Oscar no one has replaced the girl I say is the sparkly stuff in champagne and hearing even more updates about him ( I swear, when I was asking for them, I did not get this much info)  that made me pause and wonder should I reach out before I remembered him said in his own words how healthy and happy he was and that is what I wanted also (minus the horrible aged look and deep sighing) …to be happy and exploring the new path of life I now find myself on….today was the day Wanna Be wanted to meet. And we did.

I will tell you all about that in my next blog post, so look for it really soon! Enjoy your day!

 

More Expectations

I told you guys this was going to happen…I am traipsing along my little path of process and progress and wham! Bump in the road. I am telling you guys how over him I am becoming and how I am moving on and he is becoming a distant memory and in the middle of a random CL chat…he invades my thoughts and then I start remembering things. The catalyst was a random question: do I ever hook up with guys I meet online? My response was truthful…I used to before the serious relationship that ended in a very messy and unexpected manner. Now, I no longer look for what I seek on CL because it just will not be found there and sex for the sake of sex is no longer “fun”. Of course I want a face across the table and to be held close at night (maybe 3 nights a week), but I have to have the relationship…I cannot be used and played sexually or emotionally anymore. Period. And my chat partner told me I would never fully enjoy or embrace my singleness until I let go of all expectations. The expectation I held for him (and still hold, it simply is no longer a great expectation)…I am now foisting onto random strangers.

Dude is right….and when he said that, I could not help but to remember things…things that involved him. I remember the first time I told him I loved him. I wish I could tell you guys some romantic story about that moment. After all, I am confessing the deepest of emotions to a man I had felt something for the first time I saw him…but I told him I loved him in the middle of a knockdown, drag out argument. We were doing our usual I want to leave/tell me why argument and I told him he was a destined to be a lonely, middle aged man, jacking off in his basement for the rest of his life. Him came back with it was nice to see how I really feel about him, and I told him how I really feel? I LOVED him, damnit and he was too dumb to notice. Him said he knew…he had always known. I told him to go to hell and cried…and then he came back with, I want to see you. Oh, did I mention this was all via email?

I remember how we could never stay angry with each other. We had an argument once and I have no idea how we got to this argument or how it escalated so quickly, but he pretty much said he would not help me with the rent and he was completely, honestly and unequivocally done with me. Lose his phone number and email address and to never communicate with him ever again. I told him to wander butt naked in rush hour traffic down a busy street and die. He said I hated him; I said he was the one with the hatred as he was willing to see me homeless. We went two days with no communication and I cried all weekend to Artsy Craftsy….Monday morning, he emailed me asking for my address. I ignored him (the Panel told me to) and he said I knew he cared and my welfare and well being was a priority….please give him my address as he is old and forgetful. I did so, and 2 days later, I had a check from him. I asked him why he did this and he asked was I busy the coming weekend. He was so sorry….forgive him? And I was so happy that it was not the end of us….

I remember how we could not keep our hands off each other, which would explain why all of our arguments took place online. Once we saw each other, it was over…..the anger, the ugly words, the death threats….gone. And to give him credit, the man has only called me out of my name once…I was the one with the ugly words, but I think I have always known I could never hurt him emotionally the way he hurt me, so I used my words and I used them over and over again so he could hurt as often as I did. But when we saw each other, there was no hurt…there were smiles and laughter and we were always touching each other. I came to the Island one afternoon for lunch with the Panel and to drop off his birthday present. We were estranged at the time, and I wanted to tell him face to face I could no longer do this dance. I was leaving and wanted to tell him goodbye. We sat in the car, and we talked and talked and talked…and while we talked, I ran my fingers through his hair, he rubbed my thigh, we held hands and we kissed. I kept breaking eye contact because just drinking him in caused the butterflies to dance around in my tummy and we played the “close your eyes and hold out your hand” game when giving someone a surprise. He said no way in two hells was he closing both eyes around me, so he winked his right eye and held out his left hand.  And we made plans to see each other again.

I remember the very first argument we had….he stood me up for a date that weekend…I had made seafood salad and sat around naked for two days. Calls and texts went unanswered and emails went unread. When he finally responded, I lit into him like a rocket and we exchanged words back and forth and he made me so angry, my headband popped. Just like that..it broke in two pieces while still holding my hair back. We did not speak, we did not communicate at all. I got reports and updates from Quiet One and Artsy Craftsy and he appeared to be just as miserable as I was. The deadly metro crash is what reunited us….I live on the red line and he sent me an email asking was I okay. I told him I hadn’t even left the house that day and he thanked God I was not on the train that afternoon. I came up to the Island with a card for him maybe 3 days later (I missed him and this was getting stupid) and as I walked past his window to enter the building, I stopped and just stared at him…he was at his desk, working on something  and he was so handsome to me and my heart was so filled with love and uncertainty because I knew I did not want to let him go….not then, not ever. And when he looked up and saw me…the smile that crossed his face let me know he at least felt the same way…that time.

 I remember how big his bed was and how I could roll around on it at least 3 times before reaching the other side and how I told him my bed was a get in where you fit in sort of deal. I remember kissing in his driveway at midnight and how I had just washed my van before coming to see him and when I left it was glowing neon green from all the pollen that had fallen. I remember us laughing and how we made each other feel so wonderful with simple conversations. I remember kisses that lasted forever. I remember being in love.

And I do have expectations: I expect healthy versus unhealthy; I expect my version of sex to be okay until I can fall in love with the person (my version is me getting a massage and various body part worship and that being enough for everyone involved); I want someone who will give me the good times without World War III having to break out first; I expect to be in love again, and to settle back in bed with Chinese food and movies and to fall asleep with my head on their chest; I expect GREAT (did you hear me? I said GREAT) sex;  I expect dates and day trips and phone calls and emails that will not go ignored. I expect not to be hurt again. I am sure all of these expectations are not too much( well, my version of sex may be too much and the never being hurt again) but right now, it is. I have to learn to let go and go with the flow…I need to learn to crawl again before I can walk. Hell, I cannot even handle a one night stand right now regardless of the perks and benefits offered, so how can I handle a relationship and being in love? I need to learn to let go of the expectations because right now, I am expecting every other man who looks at me in “that way” to make up for the wrongs him did to me. But how? How to let go of it ALL (him is only the beginning and obviously, I am still holding onto something), and be free to enjoy the perks of single life? I don’t know and the answer ain’t coming tonight or in this blog post, so I am going to shut up now and head to bed. Enjoy your day, and if you do know of a way to let go of all the expectations…help a sista out!

How Do You Know?

I am surprised to be posting so soon after what has happened, but I and the entire Panel were told to live.our.lives. Our friend needs a distraction while dealing with the planning and what better way than to carry on and talk with them, not to them or about them. And talk to them about KBugg, SS/BE, Girlfriend’s upcoming skydiving adventure and the process. They want to know what everyone else is doing and not have to think about what they have to do and deal with. So I thought I would talk to everybody and put this post out in cyberspace before heading to bed.

I am talking a lot lately about how I am getting better, and I decided to tell you guys how I know I am. For the first time, I am not saying things to bolster my morale nor am I throwing things out in the Universe hoping eventually they will manifest themselves…I know, and this is how I know.

Maturity: Maturity is more than an age…it is how you conduct yourself when life throws you the unexpected. I can truthfully say in the year that has passed, I have grown. I am no longer making crank calls to his phone at all hours of the day and night. Yes, it’s true…I would do a *67 and dial his number….I did it at work, at home and a LOT of times at 2, 3…sometimes 4 in the morning. Sometimes he would answer and sound a variety of ways: excited, sad, angry and sometimes really neutral…never happy though, although a couple of times he would use that voice he uses when he has a woman. Other times he would not answer but the phone would ring and ring; then there were times he would cut the phone off mid-ring. The sad part is, I did not care if he answered or not…I wanted to disrupt his life as much as I could without physically stalking him or pitching a tent in his driveway…the way I felt he had disrupted mine. Except I probably only ended up irritating him, if I managed that. And none of that matters now…I now know he is free to live his life the way he sees fit and he can no longer hurt me unless I allow it to happen.

Reminders: I find myself waking up with no dread and no rocks in my tummy; I find I can go days at a stretch without thinking of him and then I will go and mess it up by saying: I haven’t thought of him in a while…and that is when I think of him again. There are times I have to remind myself that I am hurting and heartbroken, and I really do not feel that way anymore. Okay, there are days I do miss him so terribly it is sickening but not like it was in the beginning ; hell, not like it was 3 months ago. The fact that I have to remind myself that I am wounded lets me know I am not as wounded as I think, and it was for this reason I stopped with the crank calls…I had to remind myself to crank call him.

Too Much Information:  I know too much and really, it is not right. Of course I know his information…hell, I was in a relationship with the man and none of his information has changed…not even the phone number. I remember when all of this first happened, I thought how stupid he was to think I would not use this information to his disadvantage…after all, I know where he works, where he lives and I have his financial information, but I never did anything with it. But now, I know too much information about the BTH…I know where she lives (we knew where she lived before he moved her into his house), I know what she looks like and how she likes to dress, I know her maiden name, I have her phone number and email address(she gave me the email address when she jumped into the fray between him and I; the phone number’s source shall remain confidential), I know the color and make of her car. WHY do I know so much about her? I do not recall being in a relationship with her!  I know her husband’s favorite meal, his favorite drink, his favorite sexual act, how he likes to be massaged, what jokes he likes and I know what flavor of ice cream he enjoys. I know the things he is doing for her (or because of her)  that he has never done before.  I know the layout of their house, I know what their furniture is like and I know where their bedroom is and which door he enters the house through. I know too much and I really wish I didn’t. It leads to the speculation and I have them having a great and wonderful life where everyone smiles and kisses all the time…when I remind myself to think about him/them.

No More News: Artsy Craftsy declared the day after his wedding that there would be no more updates from her. The man simply no longer existed for her and he should no longer exist for me either. Of course, when she gets really good gossip or a tidbit that may or may not be relevant, we hold it up to the light, examine it and put it in the Box of Strange Things…I blog about it, share with the rest of the Panel and there it sits. Sometimes, in talking with members, I get updates/reports and before, I would be all over it. Now? I am kinda irked that they have ruined a perfectly good conversation by bringing him up. Again, him and I are over (and I am no longer believing Panel members who say it is a hiatus…him and BTH may not last, but him and I will never be again) and I understand that him may come up in a conversation or two, but seriously, if I am bitching about Sister Someone or talking about a movie I want to see…I do not need to hear about the man’s weight loss or how horribly aged he looks. He is healthier and happier than he has ever been in his life and it would serve us all well to remember that.

Love/Hate: Of course I still love him….I never used his information against him, he is walking around without a bullet in his brain, his clothing and belongings do not reek of deer piss,  his tires won’t blow out on the highway and his house is still standing. Am I still in love with him? Hard to say but I am willing to wager the answer is no. Of course there is hope, but I am no longer polishing it so it shines bright and I am no longer convinced in my brain that even if his fairytale blows up in his face, I am his port in the storm…hell, I am hoping that they do stay together and he will never look my way again. And I mean that statement….because there is nothing over here for him any longer. I am no longer willing to listen or be friends or any of the things people say after a breakup. He demeaned me, belittled me and treated me less than less than. As for the hate….what I hate more than anything at this point in time is that I do not hate him the way I feel I should. In fact, I do not hate him at all…I get incredibly angry at his actions and his choices but I do not hate him. Hatred is exhausting and really, the people you harbor hatred against don’t know or don’t care. Who knows the reasons for his actions? All I know is he won’t get another chance to perform them on me.

And this is how I know I am getting better and letting go and moving forward…I am channeling the control issues into things I do have control over: me, my actions and my emotions. The process is doing what it does and I would love to say (again!) that I am processed, it’s over and I am healed but it’s not and I’m not. So we soldier on and see what comes around the bend next. Now I am headed to bed…I need to pick up at least two cards tomorrow and see if I can work a plant into my budget…I am thinking of getting our friend a plant versus flowers. A plant is a living thing…it will grow and thrive and hopefully be a constant reminder to our friend of the love and friendship we feel for her. Enjoy your day!!

Bereavement Leave

In my last blog post, I stated life goes on. When I wrote that, I meant things like SS/BE still giving dysfunction a new meaning; keeping everythings crossed for the new job that is still on the horizon and trying to come up with something other than a stall tactic where the rent is concerned. I meant things like what’s for dinner, treating me to a night out which includes dinner and movies, waiting on videos of KBugg crawling and standing and conversations with Cuz, Quiet One and mama. However, life has delivered a loss unimaginable to me to one of my friends: a member of the Panel lost their mother over the weekend.

I want to share a saying my father says all the time to my siblings and I: whenever we go to visit, my parents treat us all as if we are like 14 years old again and we are always like…we are people grown, why are you treating us like we are children again? And my father always says that we will always be his children and no one, regardless of age, is ever fully grown until they lose a parent…and to my friend I say I am so incredibly sorry you had to grow up.

We are all very quiet right now…we are busy offering condolences, sympathy, tears and prayers to them. There are cards (definitely) and flowers (maybe…we are all on a budget) to be bought, emails to be sent and schedules will be adjusted for some of us to attend services. So there may not be a post for the rest of the week. I am thinking of doing a “best of” so you guys are not checking in and seeing the same old post; new readers get to catch up on the back story and continuing readers get to re-visit. This is something I have been thinking of doing for awhile, and this is the perfect opportunity to start.

For now, I leave you with a rant I posted on Craigslist (which was voted Best of!)….I find it funny and think anyone doing the dating thing (especially online) can relate. I will be back as soon as conveniently possible, so stay tuned and please keep my friend in your prayers .

Guys, you all have taken over every forum in the CL personals section and turned it into a Casual Encounters…and the things you post and say are rude, disrespectful and crude and you wonder why no one responds to your “eye-catching” ad? As a woman, this is what I see when you write….

No pic, no reply ( with no pic of poster)…..I already know I am not the greatest, but want you to think I am when I reject you

No pic, no reply ( with body/cock shot)…..I am hoping you are horny enough to just want the dick/bod and not the face and/or personality that it is attached to.

No BBW…you can still respond and I may even fuck you, but you have to wait and see if I get any other real responses and if I do, make sure they don’t flake on me.

No men…my ad to you is in the M4M section

Discreet…I am married and cheating

Married with sick spouse/unhappy marriage….still cheating but have pity on me, I am an innocent bystander trapped by circumstances

I can afford to be picky…and you are on CL…WHY? Yeah, the pick of litter hangs here first.

Fit/Active/Handsome….yet no picture? And you want mine first? Okay…you need to read #1 while keeping #7 in mind

Chronic Overposter….no one is paying me any attention and all I want is to make you a submissive cocksucking whore before I pound and stretch your pussy and have you peg me with a strapon…where is the harm in that while I give you a fake name and try to convince you to go bareback because I am disease free

Short Term Relationship….however long it takes to bust a nut which is usually 10 minutes regardless of race, age or body size

Long Term Relationship….he spends the night

Ongoing…he will email/phone you 6 months later while going through old emails…he will ask, are you still available?

Send pics/Tell Me What You Would Do To Me….make this online hookup even easier as I can jerk off to the erotica and pics and never have to lay eyes on you

Listing Hobbies/Activities…why? All you want is a blowjob

I could go on and on…the guys who do send a pic, and still never show their face; the married man who could not host but the wife had gone out of town and taken the car keys, so come pick him up and take him back to your place; the guy who wants an exclusive LTR but can only eat your pussy in the backseat of your car in his driveway/parking lot; the bi-curious dudes who want a woman to watch them suck cock to validate the act and make it less “gay”; the submissives who want to top from the bottom whenever they can escape their wives and kids; men who use 10 letter words in an attempt to be “different” or show how educated they are, when it all boils down to a fuck;  the fit, active guys who see and pass fit, active women everyday in the real world, yet want to know how to meet one on CL….dude, you just PASSED them! Say hello! The married men who have a laundry list of requirements and want the woman to have the flexible schedule, the house to host them and all for a blowjob. No recip, just you getting your rocks off.  

And this is why no real women will ever really respond or follow through with you guys on CL…. You have turned into some online bar at last call. Women are not desperate nor are we property or objects. We can no longer look for actual relationships or even platonic friendships with someone we may actually have something in common with because your disrespect, sense of entitlement and high school mentality (along with lots of other things) have us throwing in the towel.

The Hurting is Healing

The title of this post is two-fold…I have an Independent Consultant/friend who is going through her own breakup. Her marriage is over, yet she is stuck in the limbo of separation and all she wants is for her husband to return. She reaches out and hates herself for appearing weak…she has never been single before and with all the pain and hurt that comes with heartbreak, she now has fear and change to deal with. In fact, she cannot even grieve the way she wants/needs to because she has a child who is looking to Mommy to make everything all right. All I can tell her is to not rush herself; healing has no time line and while I empathize and sympathize with the hurt and if I could I would wave a wand and make it go away, but I can’t. You have to go through the hurting to heal….look at this as a physical injury: if you had broken a bone in multiple places or torn/ripped a muscle or ligament, you expect to be laid up for weeks, maybe months while things healed over, and re-attached themselves to make you as good as new. You may complain a little about the limited mobility and the itching but you learn to live with the pain, until one day you look around and there is no pain, and you can move freely again. Heartbreak is like that…you go through the stages of grief, have some pity parties and you live with the pain…and one day, you aren’t healed but you are better. The tears come less, and the hurt doesn’t hurt as much. Then better becomes even better…you think less and less of them and more about you…and eventually you are healed and as good as new. Just take each day as it comes, know that you have lots of support (you are not alone in this, as much as you may feel you are) and while we may offer suggestions, you are under no obligation to do anything. It is your journey and you have to do what YOU feel is best for you. Know that you are not helpless, hopeless or a lost cause…you are just reeling and healing from a huge, heartbreaking loss..

The second part of the title is for me…it has been over a year since the fiasco, and I can truthfully say I AM healing. The hurt has faded and it is a mild discomfort. I still have the speculative questions but there are no answers and I am done trying to find them. I cannot wish him happiness (I will ALWAYS be a petty, grudge holding bitch) but deep down, I do hope he IS happy. I am unsure if anyone knows how much I want the Panel and I to be wrong in our assessments and presumptions of the BTH and his hasty decision, but I have to say for a person to flip another’s deep-set and long-held belief/value system, they must be pretty special, so maybe she isn’t all bad.

 I can see where I made mistakes: too honest, overly accommodating, too easy to forgive and forget…and remind me to NOT tell the next guy I may have slept with more women than he has. I am not excusing his behaviors or treatments, but maybe I have forgiven them since I no longer wish to put bullets in his brains or cover his belongings in deer piss except once a week. I can hear news/gossip and I can shrug it off…yeah, there are speculations, debates and questions but it is what it is and it be what it be. I do miss sharing jokes, emails and my day with him, but him is no longer the first person I think of when it comes time to share such things. I do hold onto that little piece of hope…for him to return, for us to be in love, for us to have a happily ever after….and I have that being okay. I am not basing any decisions off that piece of hope, and I am not going to try and make things happen…the hope  just is. And I have so many people and things to thank for making it to this point….no, I am not completely healed and who knows? Tomorrow I could wake up crying buckets because we were so perfect together and damnit, I LOVE him….but today, I know how to love from afar while moving on with my life. Our paths have diverged, and the path I have been thrust upon has been filled with so many wonderful people I never would have met otherwise.

The Panel…I say it ALL.THE.TIME…..if it weren’t for these people, who knows where I would be? Not just with this fiasco, but with so much that has happened before. They keep me grounded and remind me I go through weird stages but they are there with me every time. I have cursed some of them out, I have cried endless tears  over my crap while they are  going through their dramas and personal tragedies and they are there. They let me be wrong and we have sat in the quiet together and have gotten rowdy together. They give me their ears, their shoulders, tissues to wipe my eyes and blow my nose, they give me their time, their love and their friendship. I cannot believe I have a group of people who are so understanding and accepting of me….and I love each and every one of them with all my heart. I cannot even say anything else because words are inadequate to express what they mean to me and what they do for me by simply answering the phone, regardless of the reason for the call.

UTA: Okay, so she is brand new but I felt a bond with her from the moment I read her blog…short comments here and there became longer comments and voila….here we are. The one thing I like about UTA is her enthusiasm to embrace the unknown…she and Larissa were the only two folks to say go for it with the relocation….starting over is starting over, and why not do so with a fresh canvas? Distance is no match for true love or true friendship and you only live once! I also like she dispenses the advice we all hear during loss and heartbreak and she knows when one is ready to hear it and accept it, they will…in the meantime, here it is in case you need it sooner versus later.

My Blog/Other Blogs: I read my blog…I click the “Random Post” link under the Info button and when I read back, I see the pain, confusion and heartbreak…and I know I have come so far yet there is still further work to be done. I also read all those healthy, empowering, self-improvement type thingies I say and now, they make sense and seem doable. Maybe with him being quiet and me letting go and understanding what everyone (including myself)  was saying in the beginning of this, further isn’t that far away. And then I go internet surfing and I am sure plenty of women have started blogs that were NOT born of heartbreak, but right now, I don’t know and don’t care. I need help, the Panel needs a break and I have read so many blogs where single women are going through the same things I am, and their experiences and ways of handling things are an inspiration to me. Their honesty, their humor and their empathy comes through so clearly….the journeys and stories are amazing and when I read of their healing and what they found on the other side of heartbreak, I know there is hope. I am reading/following these four bloggers faithfully: Catherine (http://simplysolo.wordpress.com/ ); Larissa/Thoughts Simply Arise (http://larissathinksalot.blogspot.com/); UTA (http://undertheabaya.wordpress.com/ ) and Thoughts Appear (http://thoughtsappear.wordpress.com/ ). Because of these women, I realize that him is not unique and not that horrible..he is only unique and horrible to me.

Television: So it’s not a person…I still learn so much from it. Big Brother (I so want to be a houseguest on that show!) has shown me that loyalty is simply a 7 letter word that means nothing until Final 3 and promises are meant to be broken; arguments and name calling are NOT effective means of communication and/or airing grievances and lies are always revealed. Suits has taught me that it is true…the one you don’t need the most in your life is the one who will pop up like a bad penny…time after time after time  when you least expect it and at the most inopportune times and that even the most hardened and jaded amongst us does care…you just have to find what their passion is. Grey’s Anatomy….this show is my spouse, my muse, my teacher and Meredith and Christina are my BFFs. From them I have learned that talking about your issues is not the same as working on them; no matter how funky the argument or how wide the rift, true friends are always there for you. I learned that no one has a say in how you choose to repair what has been broken or has the right to call you names, especially not the one who caused the damage. People who say they don’t know what they want or what they are looking for really do know…what they mean is they don’t want it with you. You never give up on the ones you truly love, you simply become less overt in your actions/efforts; sometimes you can do everything right and still end up wrong and you never know the right person is the wrong person until you have given them your all but that taking a chance on love (again) makes it all worth it.

 And there are so many others: my mom, my sis-sis, my co-workers (a couple of them crazy, one may be psychotic but overall, a great bunch of folks that fill a great portion of my day), the three sane chat partners I have found on Craigslist….all have done their part in distracting me, encouraging me and making me see the silver linings in the clouds. So, yeah…the hurting is healing, I’m still getting better and life goes on. Enjoy your day!