A BBW’s ABCs….

I was working on a couple of blog posts (NOT involving him…at least not yet they aren’t), when UTA posts something new and tagged me in it. I read it and loved it! It is like a getting to know you, and I lovelovelove getting to know you things. Things where you learn I am the oldest of four, wear glasses and can’t dance. Where you learn that I like spicy foods and want to live in a trailer park for a minimum of 3 months for the experience. So without further ado, here are my ABCs….

A

– Available: Hmmm…physically, yes. Mentally and emotionally, NO.

– Age: A lady never reveals her age or her weight, especially when she is older and bigger

– Animals: They have claws and teeth and lick themselves….not a fan.

B

– Beer: None for me, thanks!

– Best friends: My Panel….and one very special Outside Observer is growing on me!

– Body Part on opposite sex: Eyes

– Best feeling in the world: The rare times I throw responsibility out the window and spend money on and time  with ME!

– Best weather: 70◦, sunny with a breeze

– Been in Love: Yes

– Been on stage: Does the high school play count?

– Believe in Magic: I do!

– Believe in Santa: Of course!

– Brand: When it comes to clothing, no. When it comes to groceries and perfumes…yes.

C

– Candy: Turtles, plain M&Ms, Snickers and Goobers

– Color: Any shade of blue and peach

– Chocolate/Vanilla: Chocolate…of course

– Chinese/Indian/Italian: Italian. I could eat it everyday!

– Cake or pie: Both! Red Velvet for cake and either Key Lime, Lemon Meringue or Sweet Potato for the pie

– Cheese: Mozzarella or Provolone

D

– Day or Night: The nighttime is the right time

– Dancing in the rain: Never done it…getting caught in the rain..all the time

E

– Eyes: Brown

– Ever failed a class?: Nope…came close though. 

– Enemies: I don’t think so.

– Exercise: A four letter word NOT used in my house

F

– First thoughts waking up: Do I have to because I don’t wanna…..

– Food: Cook it, eat it and find it brings family and friends together

G

– Greatest Fear: Heights, snakes and death

– Get along with your parents: Yes…finally!  

H

– Hair Color:  After all the chemicals and dyes, it has settled into a reddish brown

– Happy: Depends on when you catch me

– Holiday: If referring to an actual day off from work holiday…Thanksgiving. If referring to a vacation…long overdue

I

– Ice Cream: Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough or Tin Roof Sundae

J

– Jewelry: Bracelets, earrings, rings and getting into necklaces

– Job: Administrative Assistant

K

– Kids: I know what they require and what to do with them for short periods of time. I guess you can tell I have none.

– Kickboxing or karate: I studied karate as a child, but now…I just practice ka-razy.

– Keep a journal?: Does the blog count?

L

– Love: Unexpected and overrated

– Laughed so hard you cried: YES!

M

– Milk flavor: Chocolate

– Movies: I will watch anything except sci-fi, horror and mindless comedies

– Motion sickness: Only on a ship, which sucks because I love cruises

N

– Number: 3 and FYI…that is my numerological number also. I am odd

O

– One wish:  I’m torn: To be loved the way I love another OR one million dollars in each bank account

P

– Perfect Pizza: Extra Cheese, pepperoni, sausage, mushrooms and jalapenos

– Pepsi/Coke: Coke

– Perfume/Cologne: So in Love by Victoria’s Secret

Q

– Quail: That’s a bird, right?

R

– Reason to cry: Loss; sad or sappy movies; love and happiness

– Reality T.V: Big Brother…I want to be a houseguest on that show!

– Radio Station: Since my Zune, I no longer no what a radio is

S

– Song: Too many to mention but standouts are: Rumor Has It by Adele, Hey Little Girl (Original Mix) by Backdraft and TV Dinner for One by Trinity Hi-Fi

– Shoe size: 12WW

– Salad Dressing: Ranch or Caesar

– Skinny dip: Does a hot tub count?

– Strawberries/Blueberries: Strawberries

– Sport: Football

– Sex: Female

T

– Tattoos?: None, but I do want a happy face tattooed on my ass

– Thunderstorms: Love them!

U

– Unpredictable: Again, depends on when you catch me

V

– Vacation spot(s): I’d love to go to visit all 50 states, London, Paris and India

W

– Weakness: We are having fun with this…let’s not go there right now

– Who makes you laugh the most: Cuz, my sisters and a couple of co-workers

– Worst Weather?: Suffocating heat and humidity…where you can’t breathe and being naked is wearing too many clothes

X

– X-Rays: I have had a couple

Y

-Year it is now: 2011

-Yellow: I can only think of Big Bird

Z

–      Zoo animal: I do not go to the zoo because it smells.

So there you have my ABCs….I did not pick the topics but found them interesting and had to think with a couple of them. Since all the bloggers I know have already been tagged, I will tag Oscar and my readers….you can pick all the letters/topics or just the ones you like or find interesting and answer in the comments section if you want. Thanks to UTA for giving me a fun break and I will be back soon with more posts.

As Seen on TV

With all the talk of the process and my dreams and the overwhelming emotions, it just naturally follows that I would have the sleepless nights. I wake up all discombobulated from the dreams and no way am I going to try to get back to sleep then; the process keeps my mind in overdrive so when I am laying there in bed trying to fall asleep, I am thinking of emails I could/should write to him….the recent findings have gone from mildly interesting to mind boggling, have me rooting for Team BTH for the win and still, I (and other Panel members) think I can help him. There are rants and vents I could post on Craigslist; ideas for blog posts; the work sitting on my desk at work….an endless hamster wheel of thoughts just jumbled all up in my brain. The emotions…Lord, they have me feeling as if I want to just climb out of my skin and when the anger returns, eating me up inside, I wish I could….they seem to engulf me and I cannot even stay in bed when they are running rampant and I find myself whiling away the empty hours with television.

You guys already know I am not a big fan of mainstream TV and movies…I need to relate and the pickings are slim when looking for unhealthy television. Grey’s  Anatomy is always my first choice because they get it…the majority of us are issue-laden, baggage toting pieces of damaged goods and no, you are not going to find that one who makes you whole and repairs you and you suddenly become a bright, shiny person. They get that unhealthy people can love also but that happily ever afters really do only exist in fairy tales…you love someone and they choose another person over you; you love someone and they turn out to be married; you love someone and they leave with no explanation, they stand you up at the altar and they lie to your face. You love someone and they love another….people use you to be their verbal whipping post because who they really are angry at, they can’t release the anger on them because they are gone and you aren’t. They get that it is possible to be self-centered and selfless at the same time and sometimes…a mistake can be the best thing ever and doing the right thing can be the biggest mistake. For my favorite movie, 9 ½ Weeks….there are no words. Sometimes, no matter how right it feels, it is all so wrong and you have to leave before you get sucked in and consumed even more than you already are….and it hurts so badly. Doing the right thing isn’t supposed to hurt, but it does. The truly unhealthy shows/movies give us the reality we know and can relate to….it does not sugar coat or lead us down some garden path that leads nowhere and it does not send us the most fucked up messages ever.

I saw the Mo’Nique show the other night…and I really like Mo’Nique, just not as much as I once did. Once upon a time, she was an inspiration for this bigger girl, at least. Mo’Nique was sassy, confident, pretty, funny, fashionable…and she made no apologies for not being skinny. Hell, she even wrote a book proclaiming Skinny Women Are Evil. AND, she  did the Big Girl Beyonce!  But then she lost weight…and at first I was a little miffed. HOW can you claim to be the spokesperson for big girls everywhere and then lose weight? But she did it for self improvement and health reasons, and no one can find fault with that…you have to be healthy and comfortable in your skin. Period.

I first became aware of Mo’Nique on her show, The Parkers and I would tune in every week to watch and once it hit syndication, I would take days off to catch the show in the middle of the day. I enjoyed the stories, the jokes and wondered when and if Nikki would ever land the Professor. An age old story that we have seen countless times and one I can definitely identify with: girl meets boy and falls instantly in love and/or lust but boy does not know she exist. He does not like her but will tolerate her because she can be useful at times and treats her pretty much like crap. The Professor did that with Nikki, and still she kept on pushing because the Professor was her “Boo”. She saw something in him that no one else could see and she knew that if she kept up the pressure, he would see her: her beauty, her humor, her intelligence and this went on for seasons….and he never saw her. He ignored her, belittled her, took out a restraining order against her and even used her sexually at least once….but he never saw her. And while Nikki had put her life on hold temporarily for the Professor in her pursuit of him, she eventually gave up the ghost, picked up her life and soldiered on. She graduated with honors from college and met a guy….a CUTE guy with intelligence, maturity, money and eyes only for her. He was offering what the Professor was not and he did not need to be convinced or clubbed over the head to see her.

The new guy, Johnnie (he was played by Mel Jackson who is apparently the kiss of death for a sitcom) offered Nikki marriage and she accepted…and THAT is when the Professor realized his feelings for her. THAT  is when he realized that Nikki Parker was his dream woman who was no longer fat…she had more to hold onto. She was no longer irritating…she was quirky. She understood him, loved him and accepted him…and she was no longer his to play and toy with whenever he wanted. So, in true Hollywood style, he crashed Nikki’s wedding, poured out his feelings for her and Nikki TOOK.HIM.BACK. on the spot!  Broke it off with Johnnie right there in the middle of the ceremony saying Johnnie was a great guy but the Professor was her soulmate. And that is SUCH a crock!! Really, it is and I am wondering about Mo’Nique being a role model for bigger women…we have enough issues already without being told that the man of your dreams will treat you like crap for years and years and you have to meet the guy who WILL see you and accept you and not run away from you before your soulmate will step up, man up and finally treat you with some respect.

It may seem contradictory as I am a fan of unhealthy, but this…this is not unhealthy. This is just flat out wrong and perpetuates a cycle that men who treat you like crap are secretly in love with you….they just need time to realize that fact. We saw it in the beginning of He’s Just Not That Into You: the little boy pulls the little girl’s hair, calls her a name and her mother says he did it because he likes her. Do I have any readers who watch or watched Frasier? I absolutely love that show, but the whole Niles/Maris/Mel/Daphne/Donnie storyline ended up pissing me off because it made absolutely no sense at all. A PSYCHIATRIST in a bad marriage falls for his father’s health care worker but is stuck in a bad marriage; he gets divorced and before he could let his feelings be known, she met someone and got engaged. Then Niles runs off with Mel (one of ex-wife Maris’ many plastic surgeons) in an attempt to get over his feelings for Daphne, but then Daphne discovers Niles’ feelings for her and all of a sudden she realizes she is in love with him also….and when these two lovebirds discovered all these feelings? On Daphne’s wedding day and 3 days after Niles’ elopement with Mel! Again…seriously? No one could realize or reveal their feelings before then?

So I am not a big fan of mainstream TV and movies…they send the wrong message to people and perpetuate cycles that keep weight loss supplements, therapists and self-help writers in business. Relationships and love are hard work, but they are not hard. I am sticking with dysfunction and unhealthy….they tell you off the break it is wrong and not supposed to be this way, but somehow, this is what it is and we deal with it or don’t…the issues, unclaimed baggage, lies we tell ourselves, the blinders we put on…they will always be there regardless. I do suggest I apply the lessons and learn from the messages and deal with it though…after all, in life, we cannot change the channel, only ourselves.

 

Masochist

Okay, I know this is not the post that should be here. We all know it, but I have to get this out of me before I can even concentrate on anything else. The Dynamic Duo of Artsy Craftsy and Quiet One have been working overtime….the one thing they promised is that if they said anything else concerning him, it would be newsworthy and not some random update. We (The Panel) are working to put him and the fiasco behind us as much as possible and it is like as soon as we make some progress, him pops up again. Like some sort of demented jack-in-the-box. Granted, some of what we have learned, he did not put out there…Quiet One went on some sort of spurned ex-girlfriend version of an archaeological dig and Artsy Craftsy happened to be in the right place at the right time with the right person in the right mood: end result, we have news and dirt that has him pretty much front and center again, The Panel wondering what will happen next and has me wondering what the hell is wrong with me.

Since the beginning of this blog, I have stated I would pray and hope and wish for the man’s comeuppance. Hell, less than a week ago, I was all angry and twisted because I wanted some vindication, some validation…something that would say I was right and him was wrong….something that would make the following lyrics (not quite in order)  from a song called TV Dinner for One by Trinity Hi-Fi on their album Fuego a reality: I was there when you needed someone to lean on; I was there at the right time to give you some loving care; how does it feel, after all you put me through? The joke’s on you. She made a fool of you; took all your CDs and your Hi-Fi too; made you leave your self-respect in a box by the door. So glad you are so melancholy; wish I had a photograph of you and your TV dinner for one. How does it feel?  The joke’s on you. How does it feel to have nobody love you? How does it feel after all you put me through. I hope you feel like I did.

Before I go any further, I have to regretfully inform you guys that I cannot tell you all that we have found out….not only is it incriminating to the reporters/resources (who have no rights or amendments to hide behind) but we are going to wait and see how this all plays out, which will not be well…at all. Artsy Craftsy is predicting poorhouses and pine boxes. We could do it as yet another breaking story but The Adventures of Girlfriend and the Saga of Sister Someone are pretty much all we can handle as far as updates and developments. So what I will say is that what has been discovered should be enough to make me want to laugh and gloat and dance in the moonlight…but I am not. All the vindication and comeuppance I longed for seems to be coming to fruition and  all it feels is flat and empty. I do not want to laugh in his face and make him crawl and beg for forgiveness. I do not want to feel smug and secure in my intuitions…I want to help him and break his fall.

I have to be a masochist…if you are unsure of what that is, here is a definition: gratification gained from pain, deprivation, degradation, etc., inflicted or imposed on oneself, either as a result of one’s own actions or the actions of others, especially the tendency to seek this form of gratification. After all I went through with him, good times and bad…with all the bitching, moaning and crying I did over him’s treatment of me, after all of the hard work exerted by me and the Panel to go through this process….I am ready to say: It’s okay. I will help you. You don’t have to hurt and we will get through it together. I forgive you everything, and will remember nothing just so you won’t have to learn lessons and feel any sort of pain. And the sad part is: he does not have to apologize or even return to me…just give me the chance to help. The Panel is in shock and disbelief:  Artsy Craftsy hung up and told me to call her when I got some sense…she did a detailed rundown of ALL that transpired between us and all the  wrongs done against me but I came back with excuses and rationalizations; New Mommy is organizing an emergency session on healthy (relative term) relationships; Quiet One is saying NONONONONONONONONO! Chef is already practicing being cool and distant with me and Buddy…he has no idea what that man did to me, but apparently he did it right and when he left, took about 85% of my brain cells with him.

Girlfriend, Cuz, and Bell Pepper can kind of see where I am coming from because the findings have them shaking their head, feeling badly for him and Girlfriend and I are going to hatch a rescue plan to try and save him, but Morning Person is putting both feet down. We are just now recovering from my two ( not one….two!) days of crazy and conversations that never happened…and I want to put a halt to the entire process and throw hard work out the window to help the person who put me here? I am crazy for real. I would like to say I am kind hearted and empathetic and this way with everyone, but I am not. Only with those I truly love and care about, but the majority of those people return my love. They give me balance and understanding and acceptance on a daily, consistent basis…not when it suits them. So what is it with this man that I am willing to offer myself up like some sacrifice and put myself through this over and over again? I could say it is simple…I love him, I am in love with him and it is pure and unconditional and I am his friend even if he is not mine. But everything has limits and boundaries and where are mine when it comes to him? Is he an addiction and I have yet to reach bottom? And where are all these lessons I learned in this process? Hell, where is the process??

I am either a toothless, clawless tiger (all roar and no bite) or a masochist…those are the only two explanations I can come up with. Seriously. But, to give me credit and The Panel serious kudos….I am not rushing blindly back in. We are going to wait and see what else develops; per Oscar (of all people) , the no communication rule is back in full effect (and you guys know I am itching to write emails, make phone calls and walk to the Island if need be) and I am going to exercise patience. Whatever is going down in his corner of the world is going to be nasty and messy and we want our hands as clean as possible. We need all the facts and we need him to see what is happening around him, although Morning Person could care less if he sees or does not see. We need to heal over some more, toughen our resolve and dig self-respect out of one of the many pieces of baggage in the corner. We need to know that recycling ( if that is even a possibility) will yield fruitful, viable results…not a temporary distraction. We need to not have recycling as an option.

So for now, we are putting him back on a shelf and getting on with our lives. The crazy is quiet for a half a minute and I am going to finally finish the post I started over a week ago. I plan to take a mini vay-cay and clear my head of all thoughts of him and the process for about 3 days….I will catch up with Big Brother, do laundry and go get a pedicure….my toes and feet are sooo excited. So check back soon and have a great day!

The Calvary

So my last blog post was all about how I am going crazy and being eaten alive by the anger and frustration that is consuming me. Seriously, I have let these emotions fester and simmer inside me for a very long time and now they are boiling over and releasing themselves. And I have to say, no one really knows how bad this is….I am only grateful it is not manifesting itself in a physically violent way. I am having Conversations That Never Happened with Panel members and I am finding myself even more frustrated by members who seem to think it is all over jealousy of the BTH. THIS is about his treatment of me….the emotional train wreck I have become is because of HOW he left versus WHY he left. Hell, am I the only person who remembers that him has left me before for absolutely no one? Yes, I do say catty things about the BTH but….she got my info from him, he chose to leave with no goodbye, no explanation and totally ruined whatever or whoever I thought he was…and this is what has riled the issues…especially after I overcame so many of them to be myself with someone who led me to believe he was deserving of such work and effort.

But there were Panel members who answered the call…or tried to and one Outside Observer sends me encouragement and virtual hugs even though she has her own situation to deal with. She is Undertheabaya or UTA as she will be known here and you can read her story and experiences here: http://undertheabaya.wordpress.com/. The first Panel member to come forward was Mini-Me but she was not much help. She has been through this with me before and has been a recipient of some of my backlash before, so she pretty much said to take my medication and to call her when it was over. I could be sarcastic and bitchy and say horrible things about her, but all I can do is applaud her for being smart enough to stay away. Next up was Cuz….he has a grasp on it that I never looked at before. Cuz says he understands…I was thrust into this with nothing and am trying to piece things together as best I can with borrowed confidence and esteem…I will put it together with my perspective on things and no help at all from the person who pretty much with one flick of his finger, knocked down my fragile house of cards. He understands why I am holding onto the anger but that I need to let it go. I will have more than enough anger and frustration down the road while I endure more of this process. STOP feeding the frustration….okay, so no prospects, no distractions now. Maybe that is a good thing…obviously something needs attention and it is time to figure out what that is. Let go of the old anger…if it means writing an email to him, do it. I have to let the anger go and maybe with enough work and effort, I can replace it with some  positive self-something. This is great advice ( probably obvious to everyone but me) and I will just ignore he followed all of this up with his plans to still get back at One Great Love and her mama.

Quiet One and Chef were really quiet when I explained to them that I have not been talking because of the anger and the helplessness and hopelessness I am feeling…and then Quiet One, who apparently loved being Friend of the Week so much is now shooting for Friend of the Year, breaks out with all of her recent him findings. I am wondering if she has been to Private Investigator school or something….she has info that I have no idea how she got it…and has me wondering if she and him has had a fling and she was treated in the same manner I was. Hard to believe that not 3 months ago, her news would have me over the moon and trying to find ways to incorporate it into some Pinky & The Brain plan I would make up as I go along and have me pulling hope out of its corner and shining it up; but today, it is only mildly interesting. Today, I do not want him back…I want me back. Chef is still being quiet and his only suggestion was to see the man…see him face to face and say my piece to maybe gain some measure of peace. I refuse to do so.

Guardian Princess…I love her! She has been on vacation for what seems like all summer and has brought me back all kinds of thoughtful gifts and funny stories and she just held me when I told her how awful I was feeling and behaving. She told me I underestimate my friends and that one bitchy outburst was not going to drive people away or even change the dynamic of the friendship. When I told her I talked to people the way I used to talk to him when we were arguing hard and harshly…she told me that a true friend knows how to forgive AND forget and I had true friends. The only person not forgiving me was me. I was instructed to let go of the anger …..it would bring the self-forgiveness I so desperately needed and that in an indirect way, holding onto the anger was still holding onto the negative aspects of the relationship and I was allowing it to control me….recent actions attest to that one. And I have to agree with the negativity part….I am arguing with everyone and not talking to others to avoid the arguments. Nothing is right or good and everyone and everything has a hidden agenda which is designed to conspire against me. Great…so now I am argumentative, negative and paranoid.

So now I have to release the anger….and I have no idea how to do so. I have never done it before (sad to say) and should I just stay my distance, ignore the gossip and wait for it to fade away? Should I confront him (either in person or via email), state my piece and strive for some sort of an answer/explanation? That idea, while tempting, is not the route for me…at least not now. The wounds him inflicted are just now starting to scab over and to face him to get what him has always given at this point in time really would set me back more than I want to be.  Bell Pepper suggested maybe I should channel  it into other things: cleaning the apartment, changing the closet over, blogging…hell, maybe even exercise or some photography. Channel it into something constructive and productive which will give me a positive end result. Now, there’s an idea!

I will enjoy some isolation time as best I can…this is not a pity party but a time to grow and change and turn lemons into lemonade. I will read UTA’s and Oscar’s blogs (have you guys checked Oscar out yet? Her site is: http://sheseesthingsdifferently.wordpress.com/ .) , finally finish up the blog post I was working on before I overdosed on the authentic batshit and clean up this apartment and that closet. I will catch up with all the drama on Big Brother and work on bringing about a change in myself versus my circumstances.

Before I go, I just want to thank everyone….Panel members, UTA, and the readers for hanging in there with me. It means so much….words cannot even say. So I will be back soon with something. We just never know what it will be.

Eaten Alive

There is no fancy introduction to this post…I am just going flat out crazy and with my luck and timing, I am choosing to do so when St. Elizabeth’s has officially closed down. If you are familiar with the DC Metro area at all, you know what St. Elizabeth’s is…and if you aren’t…it is a mental institution. It has been suggested I have relapsed all the way back to Square One of the process; I say I am at Square One of another level of the process. For me, the process is not stagnant nor is it all a straight line and you pass these “mile markers”….it is constantly shifting, changing and taking you to different levels which I will attempt to explain (for me and from my experience) in a minute.

So, I am filled with all this anger and frustration and pretty much, I will probably have no friends left by the time this is all over. The Panel shall be but a distant memory and I will be trying to assemble a new one. I have had these friends for a looong time and while everyone says that one would have to say or do some pretty fucked up things to rid themselves of their friends…meet The One who says and does those awful things. I am at a point where I am telling people you are either with me or against me and to “choose your words carefully.” Not because I want to hear what I want to hear…it is because when I am in this mode, my perceptions are all skewered and over 60% of my brain cells are fried…so you have to speak slowly, using little words and in a calming tone of voice to help me see your point of view. Hell, 3 X 5 flash cards and a big black marker (the kind that gets you high as soon as you take the cap off) would be a Godsend when I am in this mode.

I am here for a lot of reasons: once again, life has made choices and decisions for me that I have had no say in; I am too stubborn and too stupid to forgive and release; I cannot release this anger on the one I feel deserves it; I am processing and it is bringing about a slow and painful change (and have I mentioned lately just how much I hate change?) and frankly, I want to see some reward, some payoff for all the hard work I have already put in. I am processing and doing all the right things and I have…nothing. I am not asking for much…some attention, some validation, some type of vindication…and I am no longer looking for it from the person I honestly and absolutely feel I should be getting it from. But there are no choices, no options, no nothing…and if I hear one.more.time. to give it to myself…I am going to rush out and get an AK47 because I will absolutely, positively have to kill every person in the room. Does no one understand I have nothing inside me to pull from? I think I have reached one plateau in the process…I have realized and accepted that I have been fucked over, treated horribly and there is nothing I will do to the person that did it to me….if I want to keep my freedom, I won’t. It doesn’t kill the little piece of hope, but I realize that hope will just remain that…it will not manifest into something greater, deeper or bigger than myself. So it’s over and I leave it where it is…..but where do I go from here?

I don’t know and frankly, I am tired and envious and absolutely hating people who have already processed, already have the validation/vindication and actually have someone telling me to be patient, it’s okay, your time will come. SHUT. UP!  You have already gone through this and if anyone is like me….once the pain and suffering is over, you tend to forget just how horrible everything is when you are going through it. You run around with clichés and dispensing all this advice that sounds like Hallmark met the Bible and think that makes everything all better or you try to do some tough love to shake people out of it…and it all comes across (when I am in this state of rage and hate) so completely condescending and to expect me to actually listen to that crap when I am the one who once again has done everything right and am still  in a fucked place? And not just personally but all across the board?

Professionally….I know the economy is bad and people do not make enough money and hours are being cut, but at my job? Not only are the pink slips being passed out, those of us who have not yet received one are being given envelopes. Inside these envelopes are job listings/openings with other agencies. Seriously…my job is helping us to find another job…what does that tell you? It tells me that all my hard work and meeting deadlines and making my bosses happy…is all for naught. Personally…here is where I will admit some fault. Obviously, there is nothing out there that is going to meet my criteria and give me what I need, but my control issues and impatience have me trying over and over and over again. Because I do not like not knowing where I am going….standing still and being stuck in limbo are not places I want to be…yet I am because I cannot seem to break down the brick wall in front of me and I see no way around it.

So, yeah…I am angry and frustrated and it is showing itself. I am cursing people out, saying evil things and I swear, total strangers take one look at me and ask me if I am okay. Do I feel alright? NO, I am not okay and NO, I do not feel alright. It has been suggested I take my meds to take the edge off, but I have so jumped over the edge at this point and I am thinking I need isolation. I need to be alone and to think things through and over and hopefully re-group and come up with a game plan. I need to have a talk with my Higher Power (it will start as an argument first) and I need to stop beating up on myself. Did I mention I wish I could release this anger? Just let it go and know that it is for the best for all involved…because seriously, the one whom it is for is no longer involved. But I can’t….even though it is destroying me and probably destroying friendships…I just think that letting it go would make me so weak, so….I cannot even verbalize what I feel it would make me to let go of this anger. I do not think it would make me stronger, better or anything like that. Besides, I am already the villain, the bad guy, the person at fault simply because I believed once again that doing the right thing does get rewarded and that unconditional love would shine through the darkest of places and the densest of skulls. If I am going to be labeled all those things…live up to the hype. Okay, none of this makes sense (or maybe it does)…but this is where I am, and hopefully my Panel will know that I do love them, that hurt people hurt people and I am in a lonely, isolated and cold, cold place right now. Help me.

See.Saw.

I have been talking a lot about the process but I cannot help it. It is working and doing what it does and today…for the first time in a long time, I cried. I mean, I broke down and bawled and snotted and just cried. I am a mess and a mass of emotions and I had to release them somehow. I feel so many things: love, some hurt, lust, anger, frustration and so many other things I cannot even describe. I am feeling alone and lonely; I feel maybe it is me; I feel as if no one could ever or would ever understand any of what I am still going through and for the first time ever…I feel I can let him  go and it will be okay. I am not sure where all these emotions came from…maybe I have been suppressing them and using my issues and life in general as a distraction and now it is time to examine them.

The anger I can definitely relate to, and I can admit that now it is not just directed at him. It is directed at the circumstances also….yes, his treatment of me was horrible and yes, he lied. But now that I have expanded my horizons and have read other people’s experiences with heartbreak, I have to say I may be on the lighter side of things. We were not married and there are no children to consider. I was in love, he was…whatever he was…and it simply did not work out to my satisfaction. Definitely he was a coward and I held onto too long to inappropriate feelings  but now that I am ready to move on into something or someone who could/would restore my belief in happy endings and that good guys do get some sort of finish (last or not) and maybe even my belief in myself as a decent woman and a good catch…. no one else is ready, and that pisses me off. Oh, and to piss me off even more? The process has me at a place where I am not willing to compromise my newfound standards…..I am not looking for human touch with a random stranger. I want someone who will put forth some sort of effort to validate me.  God, does anyone get it but me? I am not looking for acronyms… I am at extremes here, and there is no longer a middle ground. Either be ready to put forth time, effort and energy to get to know me first and build upon a foundation of friendship, respect and trust or pay me to use my body as your personal playground….and I am the only person at these extremes. So I am feeling angry and frustrated because I am no longer compromising or settling for what I am finding I need…not want. I need to know I matter  to somebody and someone finds me to be of some value to them and while I hear about patience and due time….I think it is time and damnit, I am ready. I think.

The love….I am so done with love. It is a four letter word that I am so tired of being bandied about as if it is some great thing. It isn’t. Love paves the way for all sorts of pain and hurt and heartbreak and even in the midst of all the messiness and drama it causes…those of us in love still want it with the one that used it against us. Okay, let me amend the previous statements: in my experience, this is what love is. Perhaps I have been looking for love in all the wrong people but that does not stop me from having all this love inside me that I want to bestow upon someone….but with the process doing its usual bang-up job, it is no longer him I wish to bestow it upon. Yes, I am still in love with him…not as much as before but I still feel love, but now…now I want to bestow it upon someone who can and will reciprocate in both verbal and non-verbal ways. I want someone who  can tell me they love me, who can show me they love me and someone who is emotionally balanced, available and for God’s sake, not as fucked up as I am. But where do I find this person if no one is willing to validate me on the effort expending end of my extremes and I am unwilling to compromise?

Lust….oh, my good friend lust. I am an affectionate and sexual creature and this self-imposed celibacy is pretty much killing me. Okay, I can see where this sounds like I am putting myself in this conundrum…I want to be sexual and affectionate and all I have to do is lower my standards one time…I could release LOTS of emotions, frustrations and stress by giving into a one night stand, right? BUT , the one thing my relationship with him has shown me is that sex is sooooo much better when there is not only attraction, but chemistry and connections are present as well. Sex is so much better with someone who “gets” it and they just know what and where to touch…for how long, how soft/hard and who shares your kinks and fetishes and who incorporates them into your sex life versus them becoming your sex life. Sex is so much better when there is anticipation and the foreplay has you drowning and floating and wishing it would never end. When hours spent exploring and touching pass like minutes and you never want it to end. And a person who barely knows my name is going to offer me this? A one-time fling with someone who thinks pulling my hair, pinching my nipples and testing my gag reflex is great sex can offer me this?  I realize a lot of what I had with him is colored with the love I felt/feel for him, but I feel that even lust needs something other than the physical to make it work. Porn is my new BFF….hell, I do love myself and know what I like….it will have to do for now.

And now I come to the letting go part….which may account for the reason I even had a breakdown today. I get it…he left me, he married someone else and we are over. We have been over for months….lots of months. But it took me a little longer. Sue me. It took me longer because it was too much, too soon and too fast for me. I was not ready to stop loving him, being with him and being a part of his life…and he used all of that to his advantage. Today, I am tired of being taken advantage of. Everything he let leak out from this fiasco, I pounced upon like a kitten with a piece of string. I grabbed it, examined it and kept it tucked away in a secret hiding spot to pull out whenever I wanted….and I allowed him to hold me back. I allowed him to keep my eyes fixed in the rear view mirror but what I am searching for now is in front of me, not behind. And now….now he is being quiet and I am not asking and I am going to take advantage of this lull to let go. Probably not completely…I need periods of adjustment here….but I will let go even more than I already have. I have to…for my sake. Him is having his cake and eating it too with the way things are presently and while he may not be hungry for my flavor of cake now, why not keep me around in case he needs a snack somewhere down the road….and the best part? No need to chase me down or woo me over…I never went too far away and even planted some huge flag or sign to ensure he doesn’t miss me  should he want to sample my cake again. So it is time to move further away from that particular train wreck….I no longer love, want or desire him the way I once did and after showing me who he really was…anything I want from him will be negative and for the fulfillment of  my sick, twisted, vengeful and somewhat childish fantasies.

So this is my see-saw. Not only do I have a host of emotions taking me on some crazy see-saw ride ( up and down, up and down), I see where I need to go…for the first time and after saying this for almost a year…I really see where I need to go…not necessarily where I want to go, but lack of wants never hurt anyone. I see more of the big picture and while I am still in a messed up place as far as what I am looking for from the next person…that is what the process is for. I see where I need to cultivate patience, work on compromise and forgiveness and realize that not every man is him or the idiots that are drawn to me. I saw what I wanted to see and I saw in him qualities that maybe were meant only for me and only for that period of time. I saw where I did help him and maybe that was why we were together…we helped each other and he reaped the rewards of lessons learned sooner….hell, him probably learned his lessons faster as I am a hard headed somebody at times. So I wipe my eyes, blow my nose and make plans to re-read this post in about 3 days or so. I will watch Grey’s in the afternoon while I smoke my cigarette and remember the most important things about a see-saw…it takes two to ride one and what goes down, must come up.

In Dreams

I am on the phone with Buddy while I type this post….I MISS my Buddy. He has just finished reading Blooming Onion and I am surprised, in a good way…Buddy does not like to read and I like to write…lots and lots of words. In any case, after reading about the guys I am attracting, he says he promptly took a shot of liquor, grabbed a cold beer from the fridge, stepped outside his door and onto a skateboard and decided to call me. So he is skateboarding, drinking an alcoholic beverage and talking to me on the phone all at the same time….talk about distracted driving!  Only Buddy….Now he asks me what will I talk about next and I told him dreams…he is thinking hopes and goals but I told him actual dreams, as mine were creeping back. And it is at this point that Buddy is telling me he has to call me back because something is pretty messed up about the skateboard’s alignment and with a phone in one hand and a beer in the other, he cannot get a proper balance. Hopefully I will not be making any trips to the hospital anytime today.

So, yes the dreams are back…the dreams that are in 3D and HD and have me waking up expecting to see him in my bed, in the kitchen grabbing something out of the fridge, somewhere in my apartment. They have been in and out for about two weeks now and I am wondering why. In the first one, I was walking in a park (not sure where it was, but I have never seen it in my city) and looked up to see him’s daughters walking towards me. I spoke to them and they both ignored me. I was a little hurt, but hey, they are related to the man so who knows what their issues are or what him has told them? Then I heard them call my name and they told me I had hurt their father and made him marry that bitch. (Yes, in my dream they actually called her a bitch). I turned to them and with tears in my eyes I told them that was a lie…I loved their father and was the best woman ever to him…he left me with no explanation, no goodbye and yet I am the villain here and I was tired of that. His daughters looked at me and told me they believed me. They said him was in the strangest relationship ever and it could not even be called a marriage…him and the BTH never spoke to each other and him was not even speaking to them…they wanted to rescue their father before it was too late. Too late for what they never said….and all I could do in my dream was get angrier and sadder and I just cried and cried while they told me how horrible his life had become. And I woke up at 3am, trying to catch my breath and feeling emotionally unbalanced/compromised. I was also surprised I was indoors and it was dark…in the dream, it was sunny with blue skies and there were yellow flowers.

The second dream I had maybe 3 days later had to deal with the BTH…I was back working at the Island and needed him’s signature on something, but when I went to his office, him was not there. So I leave his office to go to the bathroom and Quiet One is in the bathroom at the sink. I go into the stall and before I can lock the door, it is pushed open by the BTH. In the dream, she looked nothing like the pictures we have seen…she was short, slim, somewhat flat-chested and wore her hair pulled back in a bun with minimal makeup. She told me to stop interacting with her husband, work relationship or not. I sat there on the toilet, calmly doing my business and asked her how it felt to be my substitute because that is all she is and would ever be. I was irreplaceable and all she would ever be is the woman he got with because he could not measure up to my standards and expectations. She got incredibly angry and stomped out of the restroom…and then I woke up having to pee like hell.

In my third dream, I was driving his truck to NYC….he did not know I had the vehicle and when I hit the New Jersey Turnpike, there was a huge sinkhole in the road….traffic was backed up for miles and miles and I pulled off at a rest stop to use the bathroom and him was at the rest stop! I asked him how he got there and he looked at me with a mixture of anger and sadness and said he would always know where to find me. He never mentioned the fact I had stolen his truck or that I had travelled across state lines in it. We climbed back into the truck and held hands all the way to his house where he told me to get out, go to his room and wait for him. When he finally came into the room, he asked me was I done playing games and ready for a serious relationship with him….I looked at him and asked about his wife, and he said there was no wife, his wife was dead…was I ready to be with him for the long term, through thick and thin? And I woke up, again feeling emotionally out of balance and frantically trying to figure out how I ended up alone in my apartment when I was just at his house.

Just so you know, I  have had vivid dreams  of him when him and I were together….there was the time I dreamt I moved away and him followed me; the time I dreamt we had a baby together and I woke up feeling my tummy to see if there was anything in it; the time I dreamt he and I were making love and I became a teenager all over again having a wet dream. AND I had dreams like this with Married Man…except with Married Man he was always cheating on me and I was constantly finding out. Those dreams were just as vivid and I would call the man up to curse him out and break up with him…I would be screaming and hollering at him and he would have to calm me down until I realized it was all just a dream.  I have had dreams about other things where I could not wake up and felt as if I were either drowning or being sucked down into some abyss. These vivid dreams puzzle me and sometimes I wonder if I am psychic…after all, Married Man was cheating ( just not with everyone I knew) and my dread and gut feelings certainly called the ending to the him fiasco, but do dreams really foretell the future?

What you may or may not know is dreams are successions of images, ideas, emotions and sensations occurring involuntarily in the mind during certain stages of sleep, particularly R.E.M. ( rapid-eye movement) sleep. So basically, the brain is cataloging both the conscious and sub-conscious events of the day, and a person usually remembers their dreams if they are awoken during the R.E.M. sleep cycle. People believe that the dead speaks to them through dreams, that dreams can predict the future and that even God Himself speaks to us through our dreams. While some people like to believe that dreams are an extension of reality, more often than not, dreams are usually absurd and unrealistic and are a result of the brain tapping into the person’s sub-conscious. There are tons of dream interpretation books, websites and too many theories about dreams and dreaming to even begin to get into here and really, I am not that eager to know what my dreams are telling me about this situation.

I am going with what I feel….these dreams are all extensions of what I want to be: I want him to be miserable and remorseful; I want the validation of him coming to me and saying I was right, he was wrong. I want him to want me….and I can have all that, if only in my dreams. So for now, that is all they are…dreams. No, I am going to call them process dreams, which are helping me to stay strong in the face of reality and acceptance by allowing me to reconcile my past (to my satisfaction, I might add)  so I can face the future with no expectations or promises of promises.

Hopefully, someone other myself found this interesting and until we meet again….sweet dreams!