In my last blog post, I talked about changing my story. It’s time….I am getting too old to keep going through the same old crap and all I can see is me changing what I do as I cannot change others. Personally, I am still invested in him and even though we have not seen each other or been sexual with each other in over a year, I am still giving it away to him. It is no one’s fault…this is how we are whether we are together or apart… and yes, I said I was done but I know (and you probably do also), I am only done until the next time. Dating wise, options are slim…seriously, in this town guys are married/attached, gay or looking for a size zero who can hike, ride motorcycles, do a wine tasting and deep throat, all on the first date. I met a guy last week who told me I had the most awesome curves and he wanted to be with me. I countered with how about getting to know me and his response was he was recently separated and while he adored and was sexually attracted to bigger women, no way could he be in a relationship with one. He had a reputation, after all. Wow, dude…way to make a girl feel good. That is a guy I doubt I would be with even if he paid me. I had a mango lemonade today with a guy I was chatting with earlier, and we had a great conversation. He is funny, respectful and says he is drawn to personality and intelligence and wants to do lunch really soon and of course, to keep chatting. And I do have a lunch date this week with a guy I was chatting with…he works less than one block from me and thinks I am cute. We’ll see what transpires…I have Mango Lemonade disappearing off the face of the earth and the lunch date never materializing.
Professionally, I have been unable to find a permanent job in almost 3 years. Do not believe the media hype about how great the economy is in the DC Metropolitan area…it sucks. Temping is okay, but no one wants to pay a temp any money. One would think with no benefits to pay, salary would be higher, but that is only for folks with security clearances. Even lawyers are having a tough time in this town…I know of a bona fide lawyer (degree and passed the bar) who is working as a file clerk right now. Oh, did I mention funding runs out September 30th on the current assignment and so far there are no prospects, no leads and now, no Reliable One to fall back on.
I have been thinking for the longest time it is time for a new beginning but I always let things hold me back….lack of money, him and I could really get it right, this is the assignment that could turn permanent. See, I am that person who talks about a new beginning, but what I mean is a new beginning within a current situation but all of my current situations have fallen by the wayside…and if they haven’t, the endings to their stories are not going to change. I’m changing, but nothing or no one else is, so the ending will be the same, and now relocation is a strong possibility. Change is hard at any age, but big change as you get older seems to be harder….you have more common sense and tend to think things through versus just going with the flow and as you get older, there are more responsibilities. However, I own absolutely nothing….no car, I rent my apartment, no kids and no significant other. So why not? Relocate and with that one game changing move, him can go to being the ex for good and for real and I will have a brand new beginning professionally and personally. Find a job that will pay me a decent, livable wage and actually take a vacation to someplace tropical where I can wear sarongs and get all nice and tan all over and get my groove back. Relocate and meet the guy I will want to explore the city at night with…the guy who will kiss me in dark alleys before we sit under the bridge and share our stories and secrets. Meet the guy who will erase my cynicism and change me from the pessimistic, romantic optimist I am and who will show me that I am worthy and deserving of a happily ever after and tons of happy endings. Below are a couple of options I have been kicking around and want to share with you guys. Keep in mind: nothing is set in stone and opinions, suggestions and comments are more than welcome for this post.
Move in with Mom: The fact that this is even an option at my age is pretty pathetic but there are plenty of positives. I can move down there without a job. I can start the job search once I get there; no rent and free food and utilities. My mom has access to HD cable, and she has internet. There is a furnished room for me and my own bathroom. My daddy will cook me lemon meringue pies and banana puddings and I will be the recipient of lots and lots of mommy love. The negatives: no smoking in the house, so regardless of weather, I am stuck lighting up on the front stoop and between certain hours as they lock up their house at night…early in the night. Dating wise, the pickings are slimmer than here…it is a town filled with college students, families and retirees…not sure if a single man over the age of 35 exists in her town, and I will be unable to Craigslist to see if there is. AND to top it off, her city is boring…extremely boring. When I went down to see my brother, I swear, the only cars to come down her street were the ones pulling up in her driveway…my siblings and my dad. There is no night life, no social activities unless you count the monthly Shriners’ Mixer, Wal-Mart and the beauty salon. Public transportation sucks and I have no car, so my dad will be my chauffeur. Great. Basically, I will have to change my entire lifestyle to live for free, eat sweets and job search with minimal pressure.
Brand New City: The biggest drawback to this option is no money but I can beg and borrow from parents and siblings…maybe. Of course, I can stay here for another 6 months or so and save my money while I scout out jobs and reasonable apartments. Now with all I want in a city…big city feel and attractions, single men who are not too shallow, viable economy and a lower cost of living, not too crowded and public transportation, options are limited. Philadelphia was an option, but by all accounts, it is a cesspool. Atlanta was another option, but they are pretty much DC, Jr. and their economy is going belly-up also. I considered Birmingham, but two states I am not anxious to move to are Alabama and Mississippi. Portland, Oregon is also an option…largest city in the Pacific Northwest, greenest city in America and an up and coming bohemian art scene. Texas is somehow in the running (Austin is like a New Age dotcom) but it is a distant last…it is dusty and hot and has snakes. My top choices are Pittsburgh, Raleigh, NC, Denver and Seattle. Actually, Seattle is my #1 choice….a viable economy, great social scene, plenty of single guys and a laid back feel . Low unemployment, great public transportation system and plenty of employment opportunities: Starbucks, Boeing, Microsoft and Amazon all have their corporate headquarters there and there are plenty of trucking and shipping companies there. Drawbacks: you can go 100 days without seeing the sun and the suicide rate is off the charts. But, in spite of that, I was told to not sleep on Seattle; rather, sleep in it.
Pittsburgh offers a lot also, but it is a blue collar town…people there work hard, play hard and I just have them being hard all the way around. Besides, they can have some brutal winters and because they are used to it and can deal with it, I have me trudging to work in the snow. I like staying home in snow. Raleigh, NC would be close to my parents and they offer lots of jobs and a lower cost of living, but not sure if the dating and social scene would be what I wanted…it is a college and prison town and jail bait and felons are not suitable dating material for me. Denver….I hear Denver is hot! However, they have the lowest obesity rate in the country and frankly, if I moved there, I may be required by state law to lose 50 pounds but then I will be a flabby Triple D-flated…and not sure if I want to see nothing but mountains. I have a first date being a hiking trip and y’all know I am not that chick. Oh, and the air is thinner there or something? BUT, they have a restaurant that is actually an aquarium and that sounds cool.
Webcam: Okay, you know what? I don’t have to move. I can invest in a webcam and do ridiculous things with it/to it/in front of it and charge people to watch me. Don’t laugh…even though webcam businesses are seeing a slight drop in revenue, there are still plenty of fetish folks out there who love some bigger women and will pay serious dollars to see them cook, clean, shower and eat. Of course, these women are waaaay bigger than me…they are like 400-500 pounds, so maybe I will want to consider guys with a breast fetish. I am huge up there (54H, all natural) and have been told by too many men how pretty my girls are. It may sound extreme, but trust me…I have dabbled in providing sexual services before (I am a trained professional) and at least this way they can look and not touch. BIG plus! This option allows me to make money while devoting more time to my blogging and writing. I considered doing full-blown Craigslisting with generous gentlemen but the guys are flaky at best and creepy/freaky to the point they give kinky a brand new definition. My mother suggests I either get some paid writing gigs or I start a cleaning business but I have fibroids and an arthritic knee and IRS problems. Not sure if those things add up to a good thing as far as starting my own cleaning business, although being an under the table caterer is an option.
I have run some of these options past the Panel members and while the webcamming has gotten mixed reviews, no one wants to see me leave. Right now, logistically everyone is close by and pretty much a metro ride away. The others who are not here in the DMV are less than a day trip away. If I move to Seattle, that is 3,000 miles and just not sure if I will have the same dynamic with them with a phone/email only relationship….but I am developing a great relationship with UTA (are you guys reading her? She’s great!) and it is email only. Oscar and I are pretty much email only but we are changing that Labor Day weekend.
I would be 3,000 miles away from friends and family and while I am not worried about making new friends (I am sociable, personable and a smoker…smokers stick together), I would miss everyone I have here. I have family and friends here and am only two states away from my parents. Even if I do not choose Seattle… Texas, Colorado and Oregon are thousands of miles away and would require an airline flight to reach. Have you guys seen airfares lately? NO ONE could afford to come see me. At least Pittsburgh and Raleigh are Greyhound accessible. A little better, but still not the same as grabbing the red line to meet my friends for an impromptu outing or showing up at the Island for lunch. But isn’t that the point of a new beginning? To start over fresh in all aspects and hop another train to meet another set of friends? To learn new things at a new job and open myself up to new possibilities? The world belongs not to the young, but to the young at heart, unafraid to take chances and embrace change. I want to be one of those people.
I have no idea what to do but I will start with expanding the job search and then I got to thinking…what about my lease? I signed on for another year, but with no rent money in sight, the lease may be null and void. Oh, well…I am going to sleep on it and keep you guys updated on my progress.