Words and Slience

I want to blog and talk and share with you guys. I really do, but I don’t feel like talking. I am lethargic and my mind is filled with rants, raves, vents and updates but I just cannot seem to bring myself to write it out. I am not sure what is wrong with me…I am trying to stay upbeat and positive but I am tinged with melancholy and I am tired of scheming and planning and wearing masks….but I have to because you just can’t tell people exactly what is on your mind or how you really feel. Sometimes, honesty is just not the way to go. I have no idea how to describe the way I feel…all I know is,  it is a bunch of little things getting on my nerves versus one particular incident and that these million little things  can morph into one huge thing that could potentially cause a meltdown of epic proportions. I am just going to put down the things on my mind and once I have spoken my words, they will hang silent in the air because no one will know what to say or do and that’s okay. I don’t know what to say myself.  

Crappy Birthday: As bad as this birthday was, it still isn’t the worst one but it wasn’t for lack of trying. My birthday was on payday and somehow along the week  before, I managed to  overdraw my bank account…to the point where my deposited check ended up being $57! I know I say I do not make nearly enough and barely enough to make ends meet, but it is more than $57. I was supposed to be treated to lunch by co-workers who thought it was better to call up Reliable One ( remember him?) who was going to be my dinner date and make him my lunch date instead….so all these heifers did was show up to eat lunch with me while my wonderful steak dinner dissolved into a 5 Guys burger at lunch. I mean, this is after I have given dollars I do not have to contribute to cards and lunches for others….and really, I do not give to get, but after seeing what they can do for folks, showing up to eat lunch with me falls flat. Work that day was a beast and I could not even take myself out as I had less than $60 to carry me through the next 7 days, so I ended up doing laundry and watching Big Brother. Oh, did I mention Morning Person forgot it was my birthday, K-Bugg sucked up potential birthday cupcake money (Artsy Craftsy is her Godmother and spoils her beyond rotten) and Buddy STILL does not know I have had a birthday. Only good things…the communication from him neither made nor broke my day and my sister took me out for that steak dinner  this week and we had a fun time.

Sister Someone/Brother Everything: Forget me and him, Oscar and Him, Jr. and you and your ex…this is the couple that will never die. Ever. I think I left you guys with Sister Someone not being able to accept her role in the relationship…she is The Other Woman and for some reason she has never grasped that fact. She gets upset when he is on the phone in his office with the Roommate or talking to his family about the Roommate as she feels he should be waiting for her. He should be on the phone calling her, not Roommate. So they called it quits…she couldn’t take it, he couldn’t deal with it and it was best for all involved if they simply parted ways, but remained friends. Biggest. Mistake. Ever. After hurts and breakups…time and space are needed to heal but Sister Someone says it hurts so badly and the only way to soothe the hurt is to still be around the man since the friendship can begin immediately. The Panel and the Process have taught me differently….this was not an amicable separation and time, space and healing are needed before friendship can make a return. I suggested this to her ….spend time crying, venting and letting the love wane a bit….she said she would think about it and the very next day, she is bringing the man breakfast. And not just any breakfast…she has homemade salmon cakes, fried potatoes and biscuits. The next day was homemade waffles and sausage. She has given him her iPod and it seemed her efforts were not in vain…..Brother Everything moved out!! YES, he has left the Roommate!!! Not for Sister Someone, but this chick is on Cloud 19 right now. More updates are forthcoming, so stay tuned.

Same Story, Different Year: I had an extended happy hour this weekend with Bell Pepper and Girlfriend where we caught up with each other. Girlfriend had the best update…the Ex went back to Barely Legal Chick because she gave birth to their daughter, yet he is still trying to keep one foot firmly wedged in Girlfriend’s life. Girlfriend gave me my update…him and I are broken up…again and I am in danger of losing my job..again. Girlfriend then asked had I heard back from him and I told her I doubt I ever would again, but she thinks the fact that he read my email and responded speaks volumes, and his response hides the true tale. I don’t know and don’t care ( a whole lot) right now.  Her scarily accurate update of my life has been my story since 2009 and always around this time of year…late August/early September has just been  a horrible time for me for 2 years running and really, I need to take Meredith Grey’s advice…you can’t keep putting forth all these efforts and have the same ending. You cannot let the efforts be in vain, so you have to change your story and this time around….I may be able to, personally and professionally. I am going to get into all of that in the next blog post.

Reliable One: I have not blogged about him in a while and that is because The Panel and I discovered he was reading the blog. It was the unanimous agreement  to leave him out of the blog and just vent/talk about him amongst ourselves but now he has just truly pissed me off. I once blogged I had fallen into a complacency concerning my finances that would be my downfall….Reliable One had taken it upon himself to help me pay my rent…and like I knew I would….I began to depend heavily on this assistance. I felt no need to save my dollars (I am a spender, not a saver) or to even contribute to keeping a roof over my head. After all I have rent, utilities, credit card bills, laundry, groceries and necessary shopping ( toiletries, butt dressing, etc.) and less than $30K a year to meet these bills. He has a credit card, a car payment, a cell phone bill and groceries….and a 6 figure income. I will fully admit, that is my fault…whatever his responsibilities or salary, I am not one of them and I have no business expecting his dollars. So he helps me out last month (and months before that), but he is grumbling and mumbling under his breath about his other financial obligations and that next month (which is this month), I am on my own. I asked him to please speak up and tell me to my face what the hell he was saying.  It was evident he was tired of doing for me, and while that does piss me off, I can accept that. I am not his responsibility, but when you approach me in some roundabout way, that pisses me off even more. So now I am pissed at him twice…for cutting me off AND for not having the balls to say so. The man is a passive pussy most times and that is what gets on my nerves. He will never tell you anything that he thinks will piss you off, yet will feel put upon when you ask him to continue doing what he volunteered to do. Again, I will be completely honest: if you do something for me, and say you want to help me…if you do it more than twice, I am looking for it all the time. If you do not set boundaries and limits, neither will I. I offer him what I can and what I know he wants, but he says he is not man enough for me. Not my fault. So we had a huge blowup and the next day, he brings me lunch and money for transportation. He treated me to lunch for my birthday (still pissed he did not stick to the dinner deal, but that is neither here nor there) and he still asks me how’s it going regarding my finances which pisses me off…if you aren’t helping me anymore, it is none of your business.

Okay, so now you know some of the shit on my mind and really, putting it down and getting it out makes me feel a little better. Not a lot, but a little. In my next blog post, I am going to explore my options with you because it really is time to change my story…and best I do it before the Universe decides to do it for me.


4 thoughts on “Words and Slience

  1. I’m sorry you had a crap birthday, but I do appreciate your use of the word heiffer. I believe it is under used.
    In regards to Sister Someone and the maintaining of friendship…tell her to send me an email and I’ll let her know why space (8000 miles maybe?) and time is the best option. When The Mr. was here, I was all about the giving and it is very quickly exhausting. Hopefully she will not get her heart re broken in the process.
    Looking forward to learning about your options and your possible new direction!

  2. Hey, UTA!!! I am going to bring that word back, the same way Timberlake brought back sexy! LOL
    With Sister Someone….she is going to have to make me one of those huge, homemade breakfasts and then I will send her your way. 🙂 Seriously, we talk and talk to her and she is just headstrong and hard headed.
    Girl, when you see my options, you may be de-friending me. LOL Sometimes, I am utterly ridiculous.

  3. I always say, some lessons are best learned the hard way!

    Ok, now I am even more intrigued at the options with the apparent potential that they could be scandalous?!

    And JT…now you made me drool on myself.

  4. You may become my Panel becasue everyone else will just shake their heads. 🙂
    Really I do not think it is that bad…more practical than anything…but we all know I have a unique view of the world.
    I am posting the blog when I get home…we will probably need private time afterwards so you can coach me. 🙂

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