I am actually working on a blog post about my mini-vaycay but I had to write this post. I really did… and the title for this post is from a song by a group called Azure Ray. Not surprisingly, the song is titled Trees Keep Growing. The song is hauntingly beautiful and the lyrics speak to me and I think anyone who has had their heartbroken as the result of being in an unhealthy and/or unbalanced relationship will be able to relate also: “I never expected you to love me the way I loved you; that’s all I wanted…just to have you near. It’s funny how you can forget there is a world outside yourself, where the trees keep growing and the cars keep moving, without you there. It’s funny how you can forget there is a world outside yourself, where the one who loves you keeps on living, without you there.”
Those words were so true and I must’ve heard a hundred variations of them in my lifetime…but today…today I get it and I understand. The world does not stop and life goes on, whether you are in love or in loss. When I first go through heartbreak, my first thoughts are: what will I do without them and I will never make it without them there. I want to say it is understandable…Married Man was a 7 year relationship and Him was a part of my life for over 6 years. And this fiasco with him hit me harder than hell….the man had been a part of my life in almost every capacity…my boss, my friend, my lover…he knew damn near everything about me. Him was the one I could curse out and the one I could vent to…him made me smile when I didn’t want to and when I was with him, I felt pretty and special and safe and loved. I know, I know…he never said the words, but when I looked in his eyes or did something silly while he watched or even just in conversation…I felt as if I mattered and no one else existed except us. And when he abandoned me for the BTH, I wondered what the hell I was supposed to do. Because no way could I go one day, let alone the rest of my life, without him being a part of it.
So I held onto my memories, which was a hindrance because they just made me sad or angry and kept the unanswered questions up at night, which kept me up at night. Gradually, I let acceptance in and while I have not accepted the full monty, I have accepted enough to know that it’s over and it’s okay…but I still wanted something with him. We had been a part of each other for too long and I know I made him feel the way him made me feel….we knew too many things about each other (therein lies part of the problem) and it wasn’t him…it couldn’t be him…it had to be the BTH who was doing something: voodoo, poison, blackmail…something. And then Quiet One began the dig..Artsy Craftsy found out things…and it wasn’t her…it was him doing these crazy, strange and unheard of things. And I heard the stories and I started feeling so badly for him and I reached out…I drafted an intelligent, mature and very nice email with no blame placing, name calling and no telling the man he made a mistake. He made a choice…and it seemed his choice was affecting him in a way that did not bring out his worst (actually, it is) but definitely not his best. I told him to spare me his standard spiel… we know: despite how you are presenting yourself and behaving, you are happier and healthier than ever, she is who you have been waiting for and this new life is a dream come true. We know…you keep saying that, even when we don’t ask. Just take care of himself and stay himself. I told him that I was here if he needed a friend and I would be willing to forgive everything and forget some things if he had found his choices were not all he thought they would be. I even said the things I could not forgive and/or forget, I would not throw up in his face. It doesn’t get any better than that. Really.
THIS asshole responds on my birthday ( I sent it the night before) and the Panel was shocked…but not as much as I was. His response was a shocker in itself but it proved that him still does read my communications and the second shock to me was that him did not share the email with the BTH. Artsy Craftsy asked what did I say to make him respond; Quiet One could not believe it…period. That action alone robbed her of her five words needed to make a typical Quiet One response. Chef said he knew the man would respond. Morning Person said you could always count on him to go against the grain and keep us on our toes, while Bell Pepper, Oscar and Girlfriend waited for me to send him’s response….they were pretty much all for me reaching out and seeing if I came back with all my fingers intact or a bloody nub. Well, it is bloody , but not a nub…the man responded the same way he has always responded and the way I said he would…he is healthier than he has been in 30 years, happier than he has ever been in his life, everyone is a hater . BUT he started the email with Happy Birthday (which surprised me and everyone else except Morning Person, Cuz and Artsy Craftsy), he wished me happiness, said I was a great girl and ended it by basically saying no more emails because the no communication rule was still in effect…which had Artsy Craftsy on the floor with laughter and made Cuz proclaim that it was official…him now lives in the left field of Planet Darkside. Seriously, you respond to me then say no communication rule?
Girlfriend and Oscar got quite indignant…but I just felt a huge sense of resignation and I got the clarity that inspired this post. Life does go on…I have made it over a year without seeing him and I did not die or waste away. This conversation was the first civil one we have had since he took that chick to the party last year, and to me it is the most revealing one. In that year, I have noticed that there is a world outside of me…a world outside of him and I have grown and changed and him hasn’t. Him is in the same place he was in last year and the year before that…and I wonder if that is him’s mindset or his mindset with me? Him is still the same: filled with denial, delusion and sees things in a distorted, upside-down kind of way and anyone who doesn’t see it that way or one who can see through him…is a hater. No, we aren’t haters…you are predictable. An enigma is an enigma no longer once you figure it out and now, him is no longer a challenge. He is pathetic and stagnant and it does not hurt me to realize this. I am just wondering what took me so long to do so. No longer is anyone right or wrong….him chose a different path and I know now that doesn’t mean him is lost. From my perspective (and the Panel’s)…his story will not have a happy ending….no way will this end well, but maybe it is him’s ending.
So I did respond back ( I have no no-communication rule…him may have one and the Panel may have one, but I don’t) and told him that no one was being mean, malicious or a hater…it was genuine concern and he needed to remember that. I told him to enjoy his health and happiness and to be mindful I would be coming up to the Island to have lunches with my hater friends. And now, I can let him go completely… if him is in need of help/rescue, him does not realize it at this time and I am no longer trying to rebuild even a basic acquaintanceship with him. He is a big boy and can make his own way in the world. The Old DCBBW (I need a new Panel name!) may have been willing to take the crumbs and try to make a sandwich but the new me….I have said it before and now I can accept it with no pain and no regret…whatever we had (the phrase beautiful disaster comes to mind), our time has come and gone. And today, it really is okay.
Okay, it is late night and I still need to throw laundry in the dryer and clean the kitchen and I still need to put the blog post that should’ve been here. Talk to you all by the weekend and have a great day!