With all the talk of the process and my dreams and the overwhelming emotions, it just naturally follows that I would have the sleepless nights. I wake up all discombobulated from the dreams and no way am I going to try to get back to sleep then; the process keeps my mind in overdrive so when I am laying there in bed trying to fall asleep, I am thinking of emails I could/should write to him….the recent findings have gone from mildly interesting to mind boggling, have me rooting for Team BTH for the win and still, I (and other Panel members) think I can help him. There are rants and vents I could post on Craigslist; ideas for blog posts; the work sitting on my desk at work….an endless hamster wheel of thoughts just jumbled all up in my brain. The emotions…Lord, they have me feeling as if I want to just climb out of my skin and when the anger returns, eating me up inside, I wish I could….they seem to engulf me and I cannot even stay in bed when they are running rampant and I find myself whiling away the empty hours with television.
You guys already know I am not a big fan of mainstream TV and movies…I need to relate and the pickings are slim when looking for unhealthy television. Grey’s Anatomy is always my first choice because they get it…the majority of us are issue-laden, baggage toting pieces of damaged goods and no, you are not going to find that one who makes you whole and repairs you and you suddenly become a bright, shiny person. They get that unhealthy people can love also but that happily ever afters really do only exist in fairy tales…you love someone and they choose another person over you; you love someone and they turn out to be married; you love someone and they leave with no explanation, they stand you up at the altar and they lie to your face. You love someone and they love another….people use you to be their verbal whipping post because who they really are angry at, they can’t release the anger on them because they are gone and you aren’t. They get that it is possible to be self-centered and selfless at the same time and sometimes…a mistake can be the best thing ever and doing the right thing can be the biggest mistake. For my favorite movie, 9 ½ Weeks….there are no words. Sometimes, no matter how right it feels, it is all so wrong and you have to leave before you get sucked in and consumed even more than you already are….and it hurts so badly. Doing the right thing isn’t supposed to hurt, but it does. The truly unhealthy shows/movies give us the reality we know and can relate to….it does not sugar coat or lead us down some garden path that leads nowhere and it does not send us the most fucked up messages ever.
I saw the Mo’Nique show the other night…and I really like Mo’Nique, just not as much as I once did. Once upon a time, she was an inspiration for this bigger girl, at least. Mo’Nique was sassy, confident, pretty, funny, fashionable…and she made no apologies for not being skinny. Hell, she even wrote a book proclaiming Skinny Women Are Evil. AND, she did the Big Girl Beyonce! But then she lost weight…and at first I was a little miffed. HOW can you claim to be the spokesperson for big girls everywhere and then lose weight? But she did it for self improvement and health reasons, and no one can find fault with that…you have to be healthy and comfortable in your skin. Period.
I first became aware of Mo’Nique on her show, The Parkers and I would tune in every week to watch and once it hit syndication, I would take days off to catch the show in the middle of the day. I enjoyed the stories, the jokes and wondered when and if Nikki would ever land the Professor. An age old story that we have seen countless times and one I can definitely identify with: girl meets boy and falls instantly in love and/or lust but boy does not know she exist. He does not like her but will tolerate her because she can be useful at times and treats her pretty much like crap. The Professor did that with Nikki, and still she kept on pushing because the Professor was her “Boo”. She saw something in him that no one else could see and she knew that if she kept up the pressure, he would see her: her beauty, her humor, her intelligence and this went on for seasons….and he never saw her. He ignored her, belittled her, took out a restraining order against her and even used her sexually at least once….but he never saw her. And while Nikki had put her life on hold temporarily for the Professor in her pursuit of him, she eventually gave up the ghost, picked up her life and soldiered on. She graduated with honors from college and met a guy….a CUTE guy with intelligence, maturity, money and eyes only for her. He was offering what the Professor was not and he did not need to be convinced or clubbed over the head to see her.
The new guy, Johnnie (he was played by Mel Jackson who is apparently the kiss of death for a sitcom) offered Nikki marriage and she accepted…and THAT is when the Professor realized his feelings for her. THAT is when he realized that Nikki Parker was his dream woman who was no longer fat…she had more to hold onto. She was no longer irritating…she was quirky. She understood him, loved him and accepted him…and she was no longer his to play and toy with whenever he wanted. So, in true Hollywood style, he crashed Nikki’s wedding, poured out his feelings for her and Nikki TOOK.HIM.BACK. on the spot! Broke it off with Johnnie right there in the middle of the ceremony saying Johnnie was a great guy but the Professor was her soulmate. And that is SUCH a crock!! Really, it is and I am wondering about Mo’Nique being a role model for bigger women…we have enough issues already without being told that the man of your dreams will treat you like crap for years and years and you have to meet the guy who WILL see you and accept you and not run away from you before your soulmate will step up, man up and finally treat you with some respect.
It may seem contradictory as I am a fan of unhealthy, but this…this is not unhealthy. This is just flat out wrong and perpetuates a cycle that men who treat you like crap are secretly in love with you….they just need time to realize that fact. We saw it in the beginning of He’s Just Not That Into You: the little boy pulls the little girl’s hair, calls her a name and her mother says he did it because he likes her. Do I have any readers who watch or watched Frasier? I absolutely love that show, but the whole Niles/Maris/Mel/Daphne/Donnie storyline ended up pissing me off because it made absolutely no sense at all. A PSYCHIATRIST in a bad marriage falls for his father’s health care worker but is stuck in a bad marriage; he gets divorced and before he could let his feelings be known, she met someone and got engaged. Then Niles runs off with Mel (one of ex-wife Maris’ many plastic surgeons) in an attempt to get over his feelings for Daphne, but then Daphne discovers Niles’ feelings for her and all of a sudden she realizes she is in love with him also….and when these two lovebirds discovered all these feelings? On Daphne’s wedding day and 3 days after Niles’ elopement with Mel! Again…seriously? No one could realize or reveal their feelings before then?
So I am not a big fan of mainstream TV and movies…they send the wrong message to people and perpetuate cycles that keep weight loss supplements, therapists and self-help writers in business. Relationships and love are hard work, but they are not hard. I am sticking with dysfunction and unhealthy….they tell you off the break it is wrong and not supposed to be this way, but somehow, this is what it is and we deal with it or don’t…the issues, unclaimed baggage, lies we tell ourselves, the blinders we put on…they will always be there regardless. I do suggest I apply the lessons and learn from the messages and deal with it though…after all, in life, we cannot change the channel, only ourselves.