Masochist


Okay, I know this is not the post that should be here. We all know it, but I have to get this out of me before I can even concentrate on anything else. The Dynamic Duo of Artsy Craftsy and Quiet One have been working overtime….the one thing they promised is that if they said anything else concerning him, it would be newsworthy and not some random update. We (The Panel) are working to put him and the fiasco behind us as much as possible and it is like as soon as we make some progress, him pops up again. Like some sort of demented jack-in-the-box. Granted, some of what we have learned, he did not put out there…Quiet One went on some sort of spurned ex-girlfriend version of an archaeological dig and Artsy Craftsy happened to be in the right place at the right time with the right person in the right mood: end result, we have news and dirt that has him pretty much front and center again, The Panel wondering what will happen next and has me wondering what the hell is wrong with me.

Since the beginning of this blog, I have stated I would pray and hope and wish for the man’s comeuppance. Hell, less than a week ago, I was all angry and twisted because I wanted some vindication, some validation…something that would say I was right and him was wrong….something that would make the following lyrics (not quite in order)  from a song called TV Dinner for One by Trinity Hi-Fi on their album Fuego a reality: I was there when you needed someone to lean on; I was there at the right time to give you some loving care; how does it feel, after all you put me through? The joke’s on you. She made a fool of you; took all your CDs and your Hi-Fi too; made you leave your self-respect in a box by the door. So glad you are so melancholy; wish I had a photograph of you and your TV dinner for one. How does it feel?  The joke’s on you. How does it feel to have nobody love you? How does it feel after all you put me through. I hope you feel like I did.

Before I go any further, I have to regretfully inform you guys that I cannot tell you all that we have found out….not only is it incriminating to the reporters/resources (who have no rights or amendments to hide behind) but we are going to wait and see how this all plays out, which will not be well…at all. Artsy Craftsy is predicting poorhouses and pine boxes. We could do it as yet another breaking story but The Adventures of Girlfriend and the Saga of Sister Someone are pretty much all we can handle as far as updates and developments. So what I will say is that what has been discovered should be enough to make me want to laugh and gloat and dance in the moonlight…but I am not. All the vindication and comeuppance I longed for seems to be coming to fruition and  all it feels is flat and empty. I do not want to laugh in his face and make him crawl and beg for forgiveness. I do not want to feel smug and secure in my intuitions…I want to help him and break his fall.

I have to be a masochist…if you are unsure of what that is, here is a definition: gratification gained from pain, deprivation, degradation, etc., inflicted or imposed on oneself, either as a result of one’s own actions or the actions of others, especially the tendency to seek this form of gratification. After all I went through with him, good times and bad…with all the bitching, moaning and crying I did over him’s treatment of me, after all of the hard work exerted by me and the Panel to go through this process….I am ready to say: It’s okay. I will help you. You don’t have to hurt and we will get through it together. I forgive you everything, and will remember nothing just so you won’t have to learn lessons and feel any sort of pain. And the sad part is: he does not have to apologize or even return to me…just give me the chance to help. The Panel is in shock and disbelief:  Artsy Craftsy hung up and told me to call her when I got some sense…she did a detailed rundown of ALL that transpired between us and all the  wrongs done against me but I came back with excuses and rationalizations; New Mommy is organizing an emergency session on healthy (relative term) relationships; Quiet One is saying NONONONONONONONONO! Chef is already practicing being cool and distant with me and Buddy…he has no idea what that man did to me, but apparently he did it right and when he left, took about 85% of my brain cells with him.

Girlfriend, Cuz, and Bell Pepper can kind of see where I am coming from because the findings have them shaking their head, feeling badly for him and Girlfriend and I are going to hatch a rescue plan to try and save him, but Morning Person is putting both feet down. We are just now recovering from my two ( not one….two!) days of crazy and conversations that never happened…and I want to put a halt to the entire process and throw hard work out the window to help the person who put me here? I am crazy for real. I would like to say I am kind hearted and empathetic and this way with everyone, but I am not. Only with those I truly love and care about, but the majority of those people return my love. They give me balance and understanding and acceptance on a daily, consistent basis…not when it suits them. So what is it with this man that I am willing to offer myself up like some sacrifice and put myself through this over and over again? I could say it is simple…I love him, I am in love with him and it is pure and unconditional and I am his friend even if he is not mine. But everything has limits and boundaries and where are mine when it comes to him? Is he an addiction and I have yet to reach bottom? And where are all these lessons I learned in this process? Hell, where is the process??

I am either a toothless, clawless tiger (all roar and no bite) or a masochist…those are the only two explanations I can come up with. Seriously. But, to give me credit and The Panel serious kudos….I am not rushing blindly back in. We are going to wait and see what else develops; per Oscar (of all people) , the no communication rule is back in full effect (and you guys know I am itching to write emails, make phone calls and walk to the Island if need be) and I am going to exercise patience. Whatever is going down in his corner of the world is going to be nasty and messy and we want our hands as clean as possible. We need all the facts and we need him to see what is happening around him, although Morning Person could care less if he sees or does not see. We need to heal over some more, toughen our resolve and dig self-respect out of one of the many pieces of baggage in the corner. We need to know that recycling ( if that is even a possibility) will yield fruitful, viable results…not a temporary distraction. We need to not have recycling as an option.

So for now, we are putting him back on a shelf and getting on with our lives. The crazy is quiet for a half a minute and I am going to finally finish the post I started over a week ago. I plan to take a mini vay-cay and clear my head of all thoughts of him and the process for about 3 days….I will catch up with Big Brother, do laundry and go get a pedicure….my toes and feet are sooo excited. So check back soon and have a great day!

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