So my last blog post was all about how I am going crazy and being eaten alive by the anger and frustration that is consuming me. Seriously, I have let these emotions fester and simmer inside me for a very long time and now they are boiling over and releasing themselves. And I have to say, no one really knows how bad this is….I am only grateful it is not manifesting itself in a physically violent way. I am having Conversations That Never Happened with Panel members and I am finding myself even more frustrated by members who seem to think it is all over jealousy of the BTH. THIS is about his treatment of me….the emotional train wreck I have become is because of HOW he left versus WHY he left. Hell, am I the only person who remembers that him has left me before for absolutely no one? Yes, I do say catty things about the BTH but….she got my info from him, he chose to leave with no goodbye, no explanation and totally ruined whatever or whoever I thought he was…and this is what has riled the issues…especially after I overcame so many of them to be myself with someone who led me to believe he was deserving of such work and effort.
But there were Panel members who answered the call…or tried to and one Outside Observer sends me encouragement and virtual hugs even though she has her own situation to deal with. She is Undertheabaya or UTA as she will be known here and you can read her story and experiences here: http://undertheabaya.wordpress.com/. The first Panel member to come forward was Mini-Me but she was not much help. She has been through this with me before and has been a recipient of some of my backlash before, so she pretty much said to take my medication and to call her when it was over. I could be sarcastic and bitchy and say horrible things about her, but all I can do is applaud her for being smart enough to stay away. Next up was Cuz….he has a grasp on it that I never looked at before. Cuz says he understands…I was thrust into this with nothing and am trying to piece things together as best I can with borrowed confidence and esteem…I will put it together with my perspective on things and no help at all from the person who pretty much with one flick of his finger, knocked down my fragile house of cards. He understands why I am holding onto the anger but that I need to let it go. I will have more than enough anger and frustration down the road while I endure more of this process. STOP feeding the frustration….okay, so no prospects, no distractions now. Maybe that is a good thing…obviously something needs attention and it is time to figure out what that is. Let go of the old anger…if it means writing an email to him, do it. I have to let the anger go and maybe with enough work and effort, I can replace it with some positive self-something. This is great advice ( probably obvious to everyone but me) and I will just ignore he followed all of this up with his plans to still get back at One Great Love and her mama.
Quiet One and Chef were really quiet when I explained to them that I have not been talking because of the anger and the helplessness and hopelessness I am feeling…and then Quiet One, who apparently loved being Friend of the Week so much is now shooting for Friend of the Year, breaks out with all of her recent him findings. I am wondering if she has been to Private Investigator school or something….she has info that I have no idea how she got it…and has me wondering if she and him has had a fling and she was treated in the same manner I was. Hard to believe that not 3 months ago, her news would have me over the moon and trying to find ways to incorporate it into some Pinky & The Brain plan I would make up as I go along and have me pulling hope out of its corner and shining it up; but today, it is only mildly interesting. Today, I do not want him back…I want me back. Chef is still being quiet and his only suggestion was to see the man…see him face to face and say my piece to maybe gain some measure of peace. I refuse to do so.
Guardian Princess…I love her! She has been on vacation for what seems like all summer and has brought me back all kinds of thoughtful gifts and funny stories and she just held me when I told her how awful I was feeling and behaving. She told me I underestimate my friends and that one bitchy outburst was not going to drive people away or even change the dynamic of the friendship. When I told her I talked to people the way I used to talk to him when we were arguing hard and harshly…she told me that a true friend knows how to forgive AND forget and I had true friends. The only person not forgiving me was me. I was instructed to let go of the anger …..it would bring the self-forgiveness I so desperately needed and that in an indirect way, holding onto the anger was still holding onto the negative aspects of the relationship and I was allowing it to control me….recent actions attest to that one. And I have to agree with the negativity part….I am arguing with everyone and not talking to others to avoid the arguments. Nothing is right or good and everyone and everything has a hidden agenda which is designed to conspire against me. Great…so now I am argumentative, negative and paranoid.
So now I have to release the anger….and I have no idea how to do so. I have never done it before (sad to say) and should I just stay my distance, ignore the gossip and wait for it to fade away? Should I confront him (either in person or via email), state my piece and strive for some sort of an answer/explanation? That idea, while tempting, is not the route for me…at least not now. The wounds him inflicted are just now starting to scab over and to face him to get what him has always given at this point in time really would set me back more than I want to be. Bell Pepper suggested maybe I should channel it into other things: cleaning the apartment, changing the closet over, blogging…hell, maybe even exercise or some photography. Channel it into something constructive and productive which will give me a positive end result. Now, there’s an idea!
I will enjoy some isolation time as best I can…this is not a pity party but a time to grow and change and turn lemons into lemonade. I will read UTA’s and Oscar’s blogs (have you guys checked Oscar out yet? Her site is: http://sheseesthingsdifferently.wordpress.com/ .) , finally finish up the blog post I was working on before I overdosed on the authentic batshit and clean up this apartment and that closet. I will catch up with all the drama on Big Brother and work on bringing about a change in myself versus my circumstances.
Before I go, I just want to thank everyone….Panel members, UTA, and the readers for hanging in there with me. It means so much….words cannot even say. So I will be back soon with something. We just never know what it will be.