There is no fancy introduction to this post…I am just going flat out crazy and with my luck and timing, I am choosing to do so when St. Elizabeth’s has officially closed down. If you are familiar with the DC Metro area at all, you know what St. Elizabeth’s is…and if you aren’t…it is a mental institution. It has been suggested I have relapsed all the way back to Square One of the process; I say I am at Square One of another level of the process. For me, the process is not stagnant nor is it all a straight line and you pass these “mile markers”….it is constantly shifting, changing and taking you to different levels which I will attempt to explain (for me and from my experience) in a minute.
So, I am filled with all this anger and frustration and pretty much, I will probably have no friends left by the time this is all over. The Panel shall be but a distant memory and I will be trying to assemble a new one. I have had these friends for a looong time and while everyone says that one would have to say or do some pretty fucked up things to rid themselves of their friends…meet The One who says and does those awful things. I am at a point where I am telling people you are either with me or against me and to “choose your words carefully.” Not because I want to hear what I want to hear…it is because when I am in this mode, my perceptions are all skewered and over 60% of my brain cells are fried…so you have to speak slowly, using little words and in a calming tone of voice to help me see your point of view. Hell, 3 X 5 flash cards and a big black marker (the kind that gets you high as soon as you take the cap off) would be a Godsend when I am in this mode.
I am here for a lot of reasons: once again, life has made choices and decisions for me that I have had no say in; I am too stubborn and too stupid to forgive and release; I cannot release this anger on the one I feel deserves it; I am processing and it is bringing about a slow and painful change (and have I mentioned lately just how much I hate change?) and frankly, I want to see some reward, some payoff for all the hard work I have already put in. I am processing and doing all the right things and I have…nothing. I am not asking for much…some attention, some validation, some type of vindication…and I am no longer looking for it from the person I honestly and absolutely feel I should be getting it from. But there are no choices, no options, no nothing…and if I hear one.more.time. to give it to myself…I am going to rush out and get an AK47 because I will absolutely, positively have to kill every person in the room. Does no one understand I have nothing inside me to pull from? I think I have reached one plateau in the process…I have realized and accepted that I have been fucked over, treated horribly and there is nothing I will do to the person that did it to me….if I want to keep my freedom, I won’t. It doesn’t kill the little piece of hope, but I realize that hope will just remain that…it will not manifest into something greater, deeper or bigger than myself. So it’s over and I leave it where it is…..but where do I go from here?
I don’t know and frankly, I am tired and envious and absolutely hating people who have already processed, already have the validation/vindication and actually have someone telling me to be patient, it’s okay, your time will come. SHUT. UP! You have already gone through this and if anyone is like me….once the pain and suffering is over, you tend to forget just how horrible everything is when you are going through it. You run around with clichés and dispensing all this advice that sounds like Hallmark met the Bible and think that makes everything all better or you try to do some tough love to shake people out of it…and it all comes across (when I am in this state of rage and hate) so completely condescending and to expect me to actually listen to that crap when I am the one who once again has done everything right and am still in a fucked place? And not just personally but all across the board?
Professionally….I know the economy is bad and people do not make enough money and hours are being cut, but at my job? Not only are the pink slips being passed out, those of us who have not yet received one are being given envelopes. Inside these envelopes are job listings/openings with other agencies. Seriously…my job is helping us to find another job…what does that tell you? It tells me that all my hard work and meeting deadlines and making my bosses happy…is all for naught. Personally…here is where I will admit some fault. Obviously, there is nothing out there that is going to meet my criteria and give me what I need, but my control issues and impatience have me trying over and over and over again. Because I do not like not knowing where I am going….standing still and being stuck in limbo are not places I want to be…yet I am because I cannot seem to break down the brick wall in front of me and I see no way around it.
So, yeah…I am angry and frustrated and it is showing itself. I am cursing people out, saying evil things and I swear, total strangers take one look at me and ask me if I am okay. Do I feel alright? NO, I am not okay and NO, I do not feel alright. It has been suggested I take my meds to take the edge off, but I have so jumped over the edge at this point and I am thinking I need isolation. I need to be alone and to think things through and over and hopefully re-group and come up with a game plan. I need to have a talk with my Higher Power (it will start as an argument first) and I need to stop beating up on myself. Did I mention I wish I could release this anger? Just let it go and know that it is for the best for all involved…because seriously, the one whom it is for is no longer involved. But I can’t….even though it is destroying me and probably destroying friendships…I just think that letting it go would make me so weak, so….I cannot even verbalize what I feel it would make me to let go of this anger. I do not think it would make me stronger, better or anything like that. Besides, I am already the villain, the bad guy, the person at fault simply because I believed once again that doing the right thing does get rewarded and that unconditional love would shine through the darkest of places and the densest of skulls. If I am going to be labeled all those things…live up to the hype. Okay, none of this makes sense (or maybe it does)…but this is where I am, and hopefully my Panel will know that I do love them, that hurt people hurt people and I am in a lonely, isolated and cold, cold place right now. Help me.