I have been talking a lot about the process but I cannot help it. It is working and doing what it does and today…for the first time in a long time, I cried. I mean, I broke down and bawled and snotted and just cried. I am a mess and a mass of emotions and I had to release them somehow. I feel so many things: love, some hurt, lust, anger, frustration and so many other things I cannot even describe. I am feeling alone and lonely; I feel maybe it is me; I feel as if no one could ever or would ever understand any of what I am still going through and for the first time ever…I feel I can let him go and it will be okay. I am not sure where all these emotions came from…maybe I have been suppressing them and using my issues and life in general as a distraction and now it is time to examine them.
The anger I can definitely relate to, and I can admit that now it is not just directed at him. It is directed at the circumstances also….yes, his treatment of me was horrible and yes, he lied. But now that I have expanded my horizons and have read other people’s experiences with heartbreak, I have to say I may be on the lighter side of things. We were not married and there are no children to consider. I was in love, he was…whatever he was…and it simply did not work out to my satisfaction. Definitely he was a coward and I held onto too long to inappropriate feelings but now that I am ready to move on into something or someone who could/would restore my belief in happy endings and that good guys do get some sort of finish (last or not) and maybe even my belief in myself as a decent woman and a good catch…. no one else is ready, and that pisses me off. Oh, and to piss me off even more? The process has me at a place where I am not willing to compromise my newfound standards…..I am not looking for human touch with a random stranger. I want someone who will put forth some sort of effort to validate me. God, does anyone get it but me? I am not looking for acronyms… I am at extremes here, and there is no longer a middle ground. Either be ready to put forth time, effort and energy to get to know me first and build upon a foundation of friendship, respect and trust or pay me to use my body as your personal playground….and I am the only person at these extremes. So I am feeling angry and frustrated because I am no longer compromising or settling for what I am finding I need…not want. I need to know I matter to somebody and someone finds me to be of some value to them and while I hear about patience and due time….I think it is time and damnit, I am ready. I think.
The love….I am so done with love. It is a four letter word that I am so tired of being bandied about as if it is some great thing. It isn’t. Love paves the way for all sorts of pain and hurt and heartbreak and even in the midst of all the messiness and drama it causes…those of us in love still want it with the one that used it against us. Okay, let me amend the previous statements: in my experience, this is what love is. Perhaps I have been looking for love in all the wrong people but that does not stop me from having all this love inside me that I want to bestow upon someone….but with the process doing its usual bang-up job, it is no longer him I wish to bestow it upon. Yes, I am still in love with him…not as much as before but I still feel love, but now…now I want to bestow it upon someone who can and will reciprocate in both verbal and non-verbal ways. I want someone who can tell me they love me, who can show me they love me and someone who is emotionally balanced, available and for God’s sake, not as fucked up as I am. But where do I find this person if no one is willing to validate me on the effort expending end of my extremes and I am unwilling to compromise?
Lust….oh, my good friend lust. I am an affectionate and sexual creature and this self-imposed celibacy is pretty much killing me. Okay, I can see where this sounds like I am putting myself in this conundrum…I want to be sexual and affectionate and all I have to do is lower my standards one time…I could release LOTS of emotions, frustrations and stress by giving into a one night stand, right? BUT , the one thing my relationship with him has shown me is that sex is sooooo much better when there is not only attraction, but chemistry and connections are present as well. Sex is so much better with someone who “gets” it and they just know what and where to touch…for how long, how soft/hard and who shares your kinks and fetishes and who incorporates them into your sex life versus them becoming your sex life. Sex is so much better when there is anticipation and the foreplay has you drowning and floating and wishing it would never end. When hours spent exploring and touching pass like minutes and you never want it to end. And a person who barely knows my name is going to offer me this? A one-time fling with someone who thinks pulling my hair, pinching my nipples and testing my gag reflex is great sex can offer me this? I realize a lot of what I had with him is colored with the love I felt/feel for him, but I feel that even lust needs something other than the physical to make it work. Porn is my new BFF….hell, I do love myself and know what I like….it will have to do for now.
And now I come to the letting go part….which may account for the reason I even had a breakdown today. I get it…he left me, he married someone else and we are over. We have been over for months….lots of months. But it took me a little longer. Sue me. It took me longer because it was too much, too soon and too fast for me. I was not ready to stop loving him, being with him and being a part of his life…and he used all of that to his advantage. Today, I am tired of being taken advantage of. Everything he let leak out from this fiasco, I pounced upon like a kitten with a piece of string. I grabbed it, examined it and kept it tucked away in a secret hiding spot to pull out whenever I wanted….and I allowed him to hold me back. I allowed him to keep my eyes fixed in the rear view mirror but what I am searching for now is in front of me, not behind. And now….now he is being quiet and I am not asking and I am going to take advantage of this lull to let go. Probably not completely…I need periods of adjustment here….but I will let go even more than I already have. I have to…for my sake. Him is having his cake and eating it too with the way things are presently and while he may not be hungry for my flavor of cake now, why not keep me around in case he needs a snack somewhere down the road….and the best part? No need to chase me down or woo me over…I never went too far away and even planted some huge flag or sign to ensure he doesn’t miss me should he want to sample my cake again. So it is time to move further away from that particular train wreck….I no longer love, want or desire him the way I once did and after showing me who he really was…anything I want from him will be negative and for the fulfillment of my sick, twisted, vengeful and somewhat childish fantasies.
So this is my see-saw. Not only do I have a host of emotions taking me on some crazy see-saw ride ( up and down, up and down), I see where I need to go…for the first time and after saying this for almost a year…I really see where I need to go…not necessarily where I want to go, but lack of wants never hurt anyone. I see more of the big picture and while I am still in a messed up place as far as what I am looking for from the next person…that is what the process is for. I see where I need to cultivate patience, work on compromise and forgiveness and realize that not every man is him or the idiots that are drawn to me. I saw what I wanted to see and I saw in him qualities that maybe were meant only for me and only for that period of time. I saw where I did help him and maybe that was why we were together…we helped each other and he reaped the rewards of lessons learned sooner….hell, him probably learned his lessons faster as I am a hard headed somebody at times. So I wipe my eyes, blow my nose and make plans to re-read this post in about 3 days or so. I will watch Grey’s in the afternoon while I smoke my cigarette and remember the most important things about a see-saw…it takes two to ride one and what goes down, must come up.