In Dreams


I am on the phone with Buddy while I type this post….I MISS my Buddy. He has just finished reading Blooming Onion and I am surprised, in a good way…Buddy does not like to read and I like to write…lots and lots of words. In any case, after reading about the guys I am attracting, he says he promptly took a shot of liquor, grabbed a cold beer from the fridge, stepped outside his door and onto a skateboard and decided to call me. So he is skateboarding, drinking an alcoholic beverage and talking to me on the phone all at the same time….talk about distracted driving!  Only Buddy….Now he asks me what will I talk about next and I told him dreams…he is thinking hopes and goals but I told him actual dreams, as mine were creeping back. And it is at this point that Buddy is telling me he has to call me back because something is pretty messed up about the skateboard’s alignment and with a phone in one hand and a beer in the other, he cannot get a proper balance. Hopefully I will not be making any trips to the hospital anytime today.

So, yes the dreams are back…the dreams that are in 3D and HD and have me waking up expecting to see him in my bed, in the kitchen grabbing something out of the fridge, somewhere in my apartment. They have been in and out for about two weeks now and I am wondering why. In the first one, I was walking in a park (not sure where it was, but I have never seen it in my city) and looked up to see him’s daughters walking towards me. I spoke to them and they both ignored me. I was a little hurt, but hey, they are related to the man so who knows what their issues are or what him has told them? Then I heard them call my name and they told me I had hurt their father and made him marry that bitch. (Yes, in my dream they actually called her a bitch). I turned to them and with tears in my eyes I told them that was a lie…I loved their father and was the best woman ever to him…he left me with no explanation, no goodbye and yet I am the villain here and I was tired of that. His daughters looked at me and told me they believed me. They said him was in the strangest relationship ever and it could not even be called a marriage…him and the BTH never spoke to each other and him was not even speaking to them…they wanted to rescue their father before it was too late. Too late for what they never said….and all I could do in my dream was get angrier and sadder and I just cried and cried while they told me how horrible his life had become. And I woke up at 3am, trying to catch my breath and feeling emotionally unbalanced/compromised. I was also surprised I was indoors and it was dark…in the dream, it was sunny with blue skies and there were yellow flowers.

The second dream I had maybe 3 days later had to deal with the BTH…I was back working at the Island and needed him’s signature on something, but when I went to his office, him was not there. So I leave his office to go to the bathroom and Quiet One is in the bathroom at the sink. I go into the stall and before I can lock the door, it is pushed open by the BTH. In the dream, she looked nothing like the pictures we have seen…she was short, slim, somewhat flat-chested and wore her hair pulled back in a bun with minimal makeup. She told me to stop interacting with her husband, work relationship or not. I sat there on the toilet, calmly doing my business and asked her how it felt to be my substitute because that is all she is and would ever be. I was irreplaceable and all she would ever be is the woman he got with because he could not measure up to my standards and expectations. She got incredibly angry and stomped out of the restroom…and then I woke up having to pee like hell.

In my third dream, I was driving his truck to NYC….he did not know I had the vehicle and when I hit the New Jersey Turnpike, there was a huge sinkhole in the road….traffic was backed up for miles and miles and I pulled off at a rest stop to use the bathroom and him was at the rest stop! I asked him how he got there and he looked at me with a mixture of anger and sadness and said he would always know where to find me. He never mentioned the fact I had stolen his truck or that I had travelled across state lines in it. We climbed back into the truck and held hands all the way to his house where he told me to get out, go to his room and wait for him. When he finally came into the room, he asked me was I done playing games and ready for a serious relationship with him….I looked at him and asked about his wife, and he said there was no wife, his wife was dead…was I ready to be with him for the long term, through thick and thin? And I woke up, again feeling emotionally out of balance and frantically trying to figure out how I ended up alone in my apartment when I was just at his house.

Just so you know, I  have had vivid dreams  of him when him and I were together….there was the time I dreamt I moved away and him followed me; the time I dreamt we had a baby together and I woke up feeling my tummy to see if there was anything in it; the time I dreamt he and I were making love and I became a teenager all over again having a wet dream. AND I had dreams like this with Married Man…except with Married Man he was always cheating on me and I was constantly finding out. Those dreams were just as vivid and I would call the man up to curse him out and break up with him…I would be screaming and hollering at him and he would have to calm me down until I realized it was all just a dream.  I have had dreams about other things where I could not wake up and felt as if I were either drowning or being sucked down into some abyss. These vivid dreams puzzle me and sometimes I wonder if I am psychic…after all, Married Man was cheating ( just not with everyone I knew) and my dread and gut feelings certainly called the ending to the him fiasco, but do dreams really foretell the future?

What you may or may not know is dreams are successions of images, ideas, emotions and sensations occurring involuntarily in the mind during certain stages of sleep, particularly R.E.M. ( rapid-eye movement) sleep. So basically, the brain is cataloging both the conscious and sub-conscious events of the day, and a person usually remembers their dreams if they are awoken during the R.E.M. sleep cycle. People believe that the dead speaks to them through dreams, that dreams can predict the future and that even God Himself speaks to us through our dreams. While some people like to believe that dreams are an extension of reality, more often than not, dreams are usually absurd and unrealistic and are a result of the brain tapping into the person’s sub-conscious. There are tons of dream interpretation books, websites and too many theories about dreams and dreaming to even begin to get into here and really, I am not that eager to know what my dreams are telling me about this situation.

I am going with what I feel….these dreams are all extensions of what I want to be: I want him to be miserable and remorseful; I want the validation of him coming to me and saying I was right, he was wrong. I want him to want me….and I can have all that, if only in my dreams. So for now, that is all they are…dreams. No, I am going to call them process dreams, which are helping me to stay strong in the face of reality and acceptance by allowing me to reconcile my past (to my satisfaction, I might add)  so I can face the future with no expectations or promises of promises.

Hopefully, someone other myself found this interesting and until we meet again….sweet dreams!

 

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