I know I told you guys this post would be about my dreams and late night TV but I am doing those next. First, while I could put them together, I decided that they really are two separate topics and I have lots to say about each…so as one post it would be entirely too long, even by my standards. Second, I am have flashes of brilliance (oh, how I flatter myself) and I need to write it out now while it is fresh. I read my blogs also….all these things I write and speak to the world are to help me move onward and upward. Sometimes I have this almost overwhelming need to write it out even though it really does not make sense to me at the time…but when I go back to re-read those words….it makes so much sense and I see where I was going with those random, jumbled thoughts. I see where the denial was rampant and how I held onto expectations and really thought I had this whole thing figured out….I see the hurt and pain and bewilderment….I see my growth and progress and where I am allowing myself to stay stuck. I see the anger and the envy I held (and still hold ) and the love and laughter my Panel brings me. …..and an update on them is coming soon. I am realizing things about me and it is time to put them down for me to really see and actually work on those things that are in my control and let the chips fall where they may on what I can’t.
I am going to start with an expression: Don’t sweat the small stuff…and it’s all small stuff. Before this fiasco and the process, I actually believed that statement. No more. I have come to the realization I am that person who sweats the small stuff….and I do it because if the small things are left unchecked, they become big things. Wait, let me correct myself…in my world, small things that go unchecked become big things that end in horrible arguments, heartbreak and if I ever make it to a doctor and dentist…more than likely surgery and dentures. So I sweat the small stuff which probably makes me an over-analytical, OCD type asswipe but I am done overlooking the little things and excusing things that should be nipped in the bud the first time around. I have this saving me a lot of grief down the road….we’ll see.
Another realization: I care too much what others think of me…it is the people pleaser in me and it has gotten to the point I am sacrificing myself for some meaningless approval rating that exists only in my head. Morning Person told me that usually I make sense but sometimes I don’t…and that hurt me. How could I not make sense? But after a couple of things that happened this week, I have to admit she is right. You guys remember I told you Nebraska was coming to town, and I had decided not to see him? Well, I told him my decision and he agreed…it would not be the same and probably not much fun…but then he kept emailing me, asking me to please come see him. I told him no and reiterated the reasons…he said he could make that up to me. I cited work, but he begged me to come right after work…finally I told him I was on my period. THIS fool comes back with I could dash right out to the suburbs, service him and then roll on out. I was totally shocked…the man was never a prince, but at least he never approached me in that manner. And this guy…who I talk to once a year, who lives 1300 miles away with a wife and children, who is now treating me like a cheap piece of meat….is angry because I am not exerting a lot of effort into trying to make his interracial fantasies come true and I feel badly about that. I am wondering what I could have done differently to make his trip more enjoyable.
And this people pleasing extends beyond the personal…in my professional life, I am always exerting untold amounts of energy and time to be perfect and indispensable and once I learn something, I know it. …and it goes unnoticed, unappreciated and I usually end up being taken advantage of. I get the hardest cases, the most difficult bosses ; thank goodness I have incredible time management skills and can meet the most impossible of deadlines….yet for all of this, I am the one who gets singled out for being late ( as if that will ever change); I am the one whose requests for help go unheard and when I make my case for a raise…I am told there is nothing left. I am one of the most underpaid persons in my department at my job yet I have the heaviest workload. And I have a chance to change that…a new career opportunity has come my way and if selected, I will be making significantly more money, be closer to home and I already know the job…yet, I feel badly about leaving the current assignment and I have no idea why…everyone I work for and answer to are permanent employees with very nice paychecks…they have been down this road with temps before and will go through it again after me. This is my time to get back from behind the 8ball financially and I should be jumping for joy but I am not. It is the people pleaser in me wanting to be liked and approved by everyone and not wanting to be seen in a bad light.
I mentioned how I am still holding onto anger and envy….and I am. I am envious of my Panel….the majority of them are coupled up and ALL have had some form of the Rockstar YES moment…not me. I really want that validation that can only be given when the person who has fucked you over admits their mistake…and I am having a hard time accepting that I will never get it. Hell, if him just made one overt gesture versus mixed signals and using the Panel as some sort of Pony Express that would be helpful. I once wrote the following statement in an earlier blog: “The process helps you to fall out of love, it helps you to put what once was so wonderful behind you and maybe I am not ready to do that yet……maybe I want to recapture the wonderful.” Well, I no longer wish to recapture the wonderful and I am ready to fall out of love….and in some ways I am already doing so. I no longer ask about him or ask what the latest gossip is. I do not think of him as often as I used to and when I do think of him…it is in past tense and while I do still sometimes wonder and speculate if he misses me, if he regrets his treatment of me…I now know it makes no difference. Our time has come and gone…but I feel that MY time should be just beginning and it would have a helluva jumpstart if I had my YES moment.
So I am envious because I have not gotten and probably will never get my moment; I am angry because I have to know WHAT is it about me, within me that just draws crazy mofos from miles around to me? Seriously…I am still trying to find someone I can move forward and into something with, and frankly if I exerted this sort of effort into my closet, I would not be living as if I am half homeless and half hoarder (it is August and I am still digging summer clothes out of boxes). I am not looking for the Next Big Thing but I am tired of being alone, so not a one-time thing either. And it does not have to be a full blown committed relationship….a sincere friendship with monogamous sexual overtones would do nicely. Except the guys are not looking to get know anyone…they want the sex first and probably only. So I have my criteria as far as what I want and coupled with the crazy magnet imbedded in me somewhere, when I cast my net out over the dating pool, I get guys like the one whose ex-wife gave him not one, but TWO sexually transmitted diseases…he is on a six month regiment of antibiotics because the strains were so strong and had been given to him who knows how long ago…and still he wants her back; I get the guy who thinks schizophrenia is contagious much the way a cold is…it is an airborne virus and people pass it to each other. Okay..a mental disorder is contagious. I get the guy who is into “dominant fingering”…whatever the hell that is, and wishes to do this to me while we are watching the movie; I get the guy who thinks an evening getting to know each other consists of finding out my favorite sexual position and giving my clit a wet massage…far cry from my statement of meeting face to face in public with clothes on. I get the guy who sends me pictures of him dressed as a woman who says he/she wants to be my next girlfriend. I bullshit you not…the man says he is transgendered..a woman trapped in a man’s body…the man in him is heterosexual and the woman in him is a lesbian and he wants to make love to me wearing wig, makeup, bra and panties. And these are the men who find me beautiful, gorgeous and oh, so hot and sexy. And the man before them said I was beautiful, damned sexy and everything he or any man could want in a woman…right before he left me to marry a chick who has all he claimed not to want. Is it any wonder I doubt myself? It is frustrating, exhausting and enough to make me cry and scream and throw things. But I refuse to lower my standards or expectations…hell, when is “normal” an expectation? When is wanting to know a person’s name before allowing their God only knows where the hell it has been private parts invade yours an expectation?
And now I am a blooming onion…exposing my layers…the good, the bad and the ugly…and I realize I am blooming…as in growing. I can look at all of this objectively and examine my motives…and I can thank the process for that. It is the process that lead me to where I am now…able to see some of what I am doing wrong. Maybe wrong isn’t the proper word, but I can see where my weaknesses and impulsive tendencies may be greatly contributing to keeping me stuck in certain situations, and even though the players may change, the plot remains the same. I do know that admitting these things is not the same as working on them, although I am getting better at showing myself respect and no longer settling for what know I do not deserve.
I still read my horoscopes and two of them have stood out over the past week: the one that said a past lover was returning and it was time to bury the hatchet, practice forgiveness and work on reconciliation. I am not holding my breath and honestly, it may have already happened…Married Man has re-surfaced again, still saying the same old things. But the other one…the other one keeps hope alive for me and lets me know that there is still work to be done, and if it means no more people pleasing and an actual, viable catch in my net…I am all for it. The horoscope said: “Once you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” That shall be my new mantra.
Before I get out of here to work on my post about the dreams, I have to tell you guys Oscar has started her very own blog!!! The title fits her perfectly and we are all so excited and Morning Person and Artsy Craftsy are hoping it keeps her out of trouble…no such luck with our Oscar. Her blog can be found here: http://sheseesthingsdifferently.wordpress.com/. See you guys soon and have a great day!