I have been going through this process for like…EVER now and while I hear I am making all this great progress, I do not see it and damned sure don’t feel it. I am learning things about me. Notice I said me…if you can relate or you get something out of it, YAY. If not and I am the only one with a warped view of the world, that is fine also. It seems that I am always the only one with a really skewered viewpoint and viewpoints are like opinions…everyone has one. Doesn’t make me right or wrong…it is the way I see things.
Today I want to talk about me, advice and validation. Advice is what you ask a person for when you already know the answer but don’t want to face it. Advice is what we give to help and support others in times of crisis, heartbreak and loss….it is not a bad thing by any stretch of the imagination but to me, it is redundant. If you have ANY life experience (and if you are living and breathing, you have life experience), you have heard it all before. I do not need advice…I need validation.
Please do not tell me validation comes from within….external validation is as necessary as internal. What is the point of me telling me how good I look if no one else sees it? What is the point of being a good worker, a good lover, a good parent if no one ever acknowledges it but you? Seriously, if what is on the inside is supposed to manifest itself on the outside….why am I the only person acknowledging it?
The three pieces of advice I have heard since this fiasco happened are: love yourself, forgive yourself and others, and learn from your mistakes. Today I am going to give my reasons for needing the validation versus the advice.
Love Yourself: We hear it all the time…love yourself so that others can love you. You will never hear someone say that they do not love themselves…they may not like themselves, but they will always say they love themselves. Yet I do something that belies that statement…we all have a bad habit, but mine in the long run or done in excess could kill me. I carry extra weight and smoke cigarettes…does that mean I do not love myself? Or am I indulging myself in things I enjoy? I try to keep things in moderation, but we have all been known to indulge to excess once in a while. After all, you only live once and something will kill you eventually. So while I am here, I want to have fun! For me, the gym is not fun. Cheating death by hiking and climbing in triple digit heat or jumping from an airplane at 30,000 feet is not fun. Fun to me is being treated to comforts and convenience. I treat myself to dinners out, fresh flowers once in a while, and pretty outfits; I treat myself and others with respect. I make time for me and do things that help me grow mentally, spiritually and make me think, so that I can progress and expand my horizons. But I find all of that is so lame…what is the point of intelligence and tidbits of knowledge if I have no one to share it with? I do not want to treat myself to dinners…I want to be treated. I want flowers delivered to my job by a man who finds me irresistible, not stopping off at the corner stand to pick some up on my way home after a crappy day. Seriously, how lame is it to have someone admire your bouquet and ask…who gave you those? And you say…I bought them for myself. To me, it screams lonely loser. I buy the pretty outfits for dates and to be admired and appreciated….I do not want to be the only person telling me that I am pretty, sexy and every man’s desire. I want to HEAR it, and not from the Panel or my mother.
Maybe it is me being too hard on myself or not seeing the big picture, but I got my heart slammed into a million pieces and my self-everything went out the door when him did. Probably my fault for getting so wrapped up in the man, but now…now I need to be validated, not advised. I hear it is his loss, not mine….but even today, it still feels like my loss nd I need to be shown that it IS his loss. I need to know that someone finds me sexy, desirable and will tell me how great a certain color looks on me, how pretty my hair is or that I smell pretty….someone who will ask if I need a massage at the end of the day or how about we grab some dinner while you tell me about your day. I have been rejected…I need to be accepted. I love myself just fine….I need to be loved by another again.
Forgiveness: I have no other reason for this being here other than it has been advised that I do this. This is simply a moot point…I do not need advice on this. I know the power of forgiveness (I have given it here and there with family members only) but I am an emotional hoarder. Every grievance has become a grudge and I find I need to hold onto them…yeah, I know a professional therapist is in order. If one can tell me that letting go of the grudges will not say that what has been done to me is okay and that vengeance shall be wreaked upon those who have hurt me, I would do it in a heartbeat…and that is not forgiveness. I cannot be advised nor validated with forgiveness…I have to be shown how it will work in my life and to know I will not be weak or seen as weak…and I can’t be shown until I actually do it…again, professional therapy is needed here.
Learn from Your Mistakes: Definitely a no brainer here…..the process has shown me the type of men I tend to attract, and I attract them from all over. Hell, I have gone international as I have some lovesick stalker from Norway sending me emails constantly via Facebook and he has looked me up and gotten my phone number ( I am listed) and has called me at all hours of the day and night. He tells me he thinks of me constantly and misses me….and here is where my question comes from with this piece of advice: if a guy who has only seen pictures of me and exchanged emails with me for short periods of time via social sites can see what a great catch I am, why in the hell a man I gave my all to and showed what a wonderful woman, lover and friend I am can’t see it? Granted, the Norwegian is probably mentally unstable ( I tend to attract them) but hell, at least he knows a good woman when he sees one.
And that is what I want validation wise….I want HIM to learn from his mistake. I have learned from past mistakes and am learning from this one, but I need to be acknowledged and validated. I need to hear that he made the mistake and I am the best thing ever. It is easy to advise people to stay away from unhealthy relationships, and it usually comes from folks who are now in healthy relationships or in a healthy place in their lives. I hear how I should not recycle this relationship should the opportunity arise, but I hear this from folks who are recycling relationships that have proven themselves to be less than ideal…and I am not hating or judging. When you are lonely and still in love with the one who has left, the heart and the head are at odds …..love is illogical and we recycle in hopes that they have learned their lesson. We all hold onto a small piece of hope for the person we think is The One…and I hold onto mine with the expectation that I shall be validated eventually. It may happen, it may not…but it will always be there and I think more people than not have been right here where I am now.
What would be awesome with this piece of advice is advice (which I would listen to whole heartedly) on how to NOT attract these guys. I have the advice on how not to date them: change your attitude and behaviors and your choices will be different….but how to remove the Weirdoes Welcome magnet embedded inside of me and start attracting a different caliber of man? Giving up Craigslist didn’t help and real world offerings…not a lot better. Giving up the active search….doing that. So any advice on that?
Okay, so I have learned I need validation and I need it from outside forces; I find it hard to forgive and I want to be right….how unique am I? Willing to wager not very….now I am going to grab a shower, cook some dinner and start preparing my next blog post about what I am learning from fictional TV characters and how it is helping with the process. I know you can’t wait to read about that one…hell, I can’t wait to read how I put it all together.