Blooming Onion

I know I told you guys this post would be about my dreams and late night TV but I am doing those next. First, while I could put them together, I decided that they really are two separate topics and I have lots to say about each…so as one post it would be entirely too long, even by my standards. Second, I am have flashes of brilliance (oh, how I flatter myself) and I need to write it out now while it is fresh. I read my blogs also….all these things I write and speak to the world are to help me move onward and upward. Sometimes I have this almost overwhelming need to write it out even though it really does not make sense to me at the time…but when I go back to re-read those words….it makes so much sense and I see where I was going with those random, jumbled thoughts. I see where the denial was rampant and how I held onto expectations and really thought I had this whole thing figured out….I see the hurt and pain and bewilderment….I see my growth and progress and where I am allowing myself to stay stuck. I see the anger and the envy I held (and still hold ) and the love and laughter my Panel brings me. …..and an update on them is coming soon. I am realizing things about me and it is time to put them down for me to really see and actually work on those things that are in my control and let the chips fall where they may on what I can’t.  

I am going to start with an expression: Don’t sweat the small stuff…and it’s all small stuff. Before this fiasco and the process, I actually believed that statement. No more. I have come to the realization I am that person who sweats the small stuff….and I do it because if the small things are left unchecked, they become big things. Wait, let me correct myself…in my world, small things that go unchecked become big things that end in horrible arguments, heartbreak and if I ever make it to a doctor and dentist…more than likely surgery and dentures. So I sweat the small stuff which probably makes me an over-analytical, OCD type asswipe but I am done overlooking the little things and excusing things that should be nipped in the bud the first time around. I have this saving me a lot of grief down the road….we’ll see.

Another realization: I care too much what others think of me…it is the people pleaser in me and it has gotten to the point I am sacrificing myself for some meaningless approval rating that exists only in my head. Morning Person told me that usually I make sense but sometimes I don’t…and that hurt me. How could I not make sense? But after a couple of things that happened this week, I have to admit she is right. You guys remember I told you Nebraska was coming to town, and I had decided not to see him? Well, I told him my decision and he agreed…it would not be the same and probably not much fun…but then he kept emailing me, asking me to please come see him. I told him no and reiterated the reasons…he said he could make that up to me. I cited work, but he begged me to come right after work…finally I told him I was on my period. THIS fool comes back with I could dash right out to the suburbs, service him and then roll on out. I was totally shocked…the man was never a prince, but at least he never approached me in that manner. And this guy…who I talk to once a year, who lives 1300 miles away with a wife and children, who is now treating me like a cheap piece of meat….is angry because I am not exerting a lot of effort into trying to make his interracial fantasies come true and I feel badly about that. I am wondering what I could have done differently to make his trip more enjoyable.

And this people pleasing extends beyond the personal…in my professional life, I am always exerting untold amounts of energy and time to be perfect and indispensable and once I learn something, I know it. …and it goes unnoticed, unappreciated and I usually end up being taken advantage of. I get the hardest cases, the most difficult bosses ; thank goodness I have incredible time management skills and can meet the most impossible of deadlines….yet for all of this, I am the one who gets singled out for being late ( as if that will ever change); I am the one whose requests for help go unheard and when I make my case for a raise…I am told there is nothing left. I am one of the most underpaid persons in my department at my job yet I have the heaviest workload. And I have a chance to change that…a new career opportunity has come my way and if selected, I will be making significantly more money, be closer to home and I already know the job…yet, I feel badly about leaving the current assignment and I have no idea why…everyone I work for and answer to are permanent employees with very nice paychecks…they have been down this road with temps before and will go through it again after me. This is my time to get back from behind the 8ball financially and I should be jumping for joy but I am not. It is the people pleaser in me wanting to be liked and approved by everyone and not wanting to be seen in a bad light.

I mentioned how I am still holding onto anger and envy….and I am. I am envious of my Panel….the majority of them are coupled up and ALL have had some form of the Rockstar YES moment…not me. I really want that validation that can only be given when the person who has fucked you over admits their mistake…and I am having a hard time accepting that I will never get it. Hell, if him just made one overt gesture versus mixed signals and using the Panel as some sort of Pony Express that would be helpful. I once wrote the following statement in an earlier blog: “The process helps you to fall out of love, it helps you to put what once was so wonderful behind you and maybe I am not ready to do that yet……maybe I want to recapture the wonderful.” Well, I no longer wish to recapture the wonderful and I am ready to fall out of love….and in some ways I am already doing so. I no longer ask about him or ask what the latest gossip is. I do not think of him as often as I used to and when I do think of him…it is in past tense and while I do still sometimes wonder and speculate if he misses me, if he regrets his treatment of me…I now know it makes no difference. Our time has come and gone…but I feel that MY time should be just beginning and it would have a helluva jumpstart if I had my YES moment.

So I am envious because I have not gotten and probably will never get my moment; I am angry because I have to know WHAT is it about me, within me that just draws crazy mofos from miles around to me? Seriously…I am still trying to find someone I can move forward and into something with, and frankly if I exerted this sort of effort into my closet, I would not be living as if I am half homeless and half hoarder (it is August and I am still digging summer clothes out of boxes). I am not looking for the Next Big Thing but I am tired of being alone, so not a one-time thing either. And it does not have to be a full blown committed relationship….a sincere friendship with monogamous sexual overtones would do nicely. Except the guys are not looking to get know anyone…they want the sex first and probably only.  So I have my criteria as far as what I want  and coupled with the crazy magnet imbedded in me somewhere, when I cast my net out over the dating pool, I get guys like the one whose ex-wife gave him not one, but TWO sexually transmitted diseases…he is on a six month regiment of antibiotics because the strains were so strong and had been given to him who knows how long ago…and still he wants her back; I get the guy who thinks schizophrenia is contagious much the way a cold is…it is an airborne virus and people pass it to each other. Okay..a mental disorder is contagious. I get the guy who is into “dominant fingering”…whatever the hell that is, and wishes to do this to me while we are watching the movie; I get the guy who thinks an evening getting to know each other consists of finding out my favorite sexual position and giving my clit a wet massage…far cry from my statement of meeting face to face in public with clothes on. I get the guy who sends me pictures of him dressed as a woman who says he/she wants to be my next girlfriend. I bullshit you not…the man says he is transgendered..a woman trapped in a man’s body…the man in him is heterosexual and the woman in him is a lesbian and he wants to make love to me wearing wig, makeup, bra and panties.  And these are the men who find me beautiful, gorgeous and oh, so hot and sexy. And the man before them said I was beautiful, damned sexy and  everything he or any man could want in a woman…right before he left me to marry  a chick who has all he claimed not to want. Is it any wonder I doubt myself?  It is frustrating, exhausting and enough to make me cry and scream and throw things. But I refuse to lower my standards or expectations…hell, when is “normal” an expectation? When is wanting to know a person’s name before allowing their God only knows where the hell it has been private parts invade yours an expectation?

And now I am  a blooming onion…exposing my layers…the good, the bad and the ugly…and I realize I am blooming…as in growing. I can look at all of this objectively and examine my motives…and I can thank the process for that. It is the process that lead me to where I am now…able to see some of what I am doing wrong. Maybe wrong isn’t the proper word, but I can see where my weaknesses and impulsive tendencies may be greatly contributing to keeping me stuck in certain situations, and even though the players may change, the plot remains the same.  I do know that admitting these things is not the same as working on them, although I am getting better at showing myself respect and no longer settling for what  know I do not deserve.

I still read my horoscopes and two of them have stood out over the past week: the one that said a past lover was returning and it was time to bury the hatchet, practice forgiveness and work on reconciliation. I am not holding my breath and honestly, it may have already happened…Married Man has re-surfaced again, still saying the same old things. But the other one…the other one keeps hope alive for me and lets me know that there is still work to be done, and if it means no more people pleasing and an actual, viable catch in my net…I am all for it. The horoscope said: Once you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” That shall be my new mantra.

Before I get out of here to work on my post about the dreams, I have to tell you guys Oscar has started her very own blog!!!  The title fits her perfectly and we are all so excited and Morning Person and Artsy Craftsy are hoping it keeps her out of trouble…no such luck with our Oscar. Her blog can be found here: http://sheseesthingsdifferently.wordpress.com/. See you guys soon and have a great day!

Validate Me

I have been going through this process for like…EVER now and  while I hear I am making all this great progress, I do not see it and damned sure don’t feel it. I am learning things about me. Notice I said me…if you can relate or you get something out of it, YAY. If not and I am the only one with a warped view of the world, that is fine also. It seems that I am always the only one with a really skewered viewpoint and viewpoints are like opinions…everyone has one. Doesn’t make me right or wrong…it is the way I see things.  

Today I want to talk about me, advice and validation. Advice is what you ask a person for when you already know the answer but don’t want to face it. Advice is what we give to help and support others in times of crisis, heartbreak and loss….it is not a bad thing by any stretch of the imagination but to me, it is redundant. If you have ANY life experience (and if you are living and breathing, you have life experience), you have heard it all before. I do not need advice…I need validation.

Please do not tell me validation comes from within….external validation is as necessary as internal. What is the point of me telling me how good I look if no one else sees it? What is the point of  being a good worker, a good lover, a good parent if no one ever acknowledges it but you? Seriously, if what is on the inside is supposed to manifest itself on the outside….why am I the only person acknowledging it?  

The three pieces of  advice I have heard since this fiasco happened are: love yourself, forgive yourself and others, and learn from your mistakes. Today I am going to give my reasons for needing the validation versus the advice.

Love Yourself: We hear it all the time…love yourself so that others can love you. You will never hear someone say that they do not love themselves…they may not like themselves, but they will always say they love themselves. Yet I do something that belies that statement…we all have a bad habit, but mine in the long run or done in excess could kill me. I carry  extra weight and smoke cigarettes…does that mean I do not love myself?  Or am I indulging myself in things I enjoy? I try to keep things in moderation, but we have all been known to indulge to excess once in a while. After all, you only live once and something will kill you eventually. So while I am here, I want to have fun!  For me, the gym is not fun.  Cheating death by hiking and climbing in triple digit heat or jumping from an airplane at 30,000 feet  is not fun. Fun to me is being treated to comforts and convenience.  I treat myself to dinners out, fresh flowers once in a while, and pretty outfits; I treat myself and others with respect. I make time for me and do things that help me grow mentally, spiritually and make me think, so  that I can progress and expand my horizons. But I find all of that is so lame…what is the point of intelligence and tidbits of knowledge if I have no one to share it with? I do not want to treat myself to dinners…I want to be treated. I want flowers delivered to my job by a man who finds me irresistible, not stopping off at the corner stand to pick some up on my way home after a crappy day. Seriously, how lame is it to have someone admire your bouquet and ask…who gave you those? And you say…I bought them for myself. To me, it screams lonely loser. I buy the pretty outfits for dates and to be admired and appreciated….I do not want to be the only person telling me that I am pretty, sexy and every man’s desire. I want to HEAR it, and not from the Panel or my mother.  

Maybe it is me being too hard on myself or not seeing the big picture, but I got my heart slammed into a million pieces and my self-everything went out the door when him did. Probably my fault for getting so wrapped up in the man, but now…now I need to be validated, not advised.  I hear it is his loss, not mine….but even today, it still feels like my loss nd I need to be shown that it IS his loss. I need to know that someone finds me sexy, desirable and will tell me how great a certain color looks on me, how pretty my hair is  or that I smell pretty….someone who will ask if I need a massage at the end of the day or how about we grab some dinner while you tell me about your day. I have been rejected…I need to be accepted. I love myself just fine….I need to be loved by another again.

Forgiveness: I have no other reason for this being here other than it has been advised that I do this. This is simply a moot point…I do not need advice on this. I know the power of forgiveness (I have given it here and there with family members only) but I am an emotional hoarder. Every grievance has become a grudge and I find I need to hold onto them…yeah, I know a professional therapist is in order. If one can tell me that letting go of the grudges will not say that what has been done to me is okay and that vengeance shall be wreaked upon those who have hurt me, I would do it in a heartbeat…and that is not forgiveness. I cannot be advised nor validated with forgiveness…I have to be shown how it will work in my life and to know I will not be weak or seen as weak…and I can’t be shown until I actually do it…again, professional therapy is needed here.

Learn from Your Mistakes: Definitely a no brainer here…..the process has shown me the type of men I tend to attract, and I attract them from all over. Hell, I have gone international as I have some lovesick stalker from Norway sending me emails constantly via Facebook and he has looked me up and gotten my phone number ( I am listed) and has called me at all hours of the day and night. He tells me he thinks of me constantly and misses me….and here is  where my question comes from with this piece of advice: if a guy who has only seen pictures of me and exchanged emails with me for short periods of time via social sites can see what a great catch I am, why in the hell a man I gave my all to and showed what a wonderful woman, lover and friend I am can’t see it? Granted, the Norwegian is probably mentally unstable ( I tend to attract them) but hell, at least he knows a good woman when he sees one.

And that is what I want validation wise….I want HIM to learn from his mistake. I have learned from past mistakes and am learning from this one, but I need to be acknowledged and validated. I need to hear that he made the mistake and I am the best thing ever. It is easy to advise people to stay away from unhealthy relationships, and it usually comes from folks who are now in healthy relationships or in a healthy place in their lives. I hear how I should not recycle this relationship should the opportunity arise, but I hear this from folks who are recycling relationships that have proven themselves to be less than ideal…and I am not hating or judging. When you are lonely and still in love with the one who has left, the heart and the head are at odds …..love is illogical and we recycle in hopes that they have learned their lesson. We all hold onto a small piece of hope for the person we think is The One…and I hold onto mine with the expectation that I shall be validated eventually. It may happen, it may not…but it will always be there and I think more people than not have been right here where I am now.  

What would be awesome with this piece of advice is advice (which I would listen to whole heartedly)  on how to NOT attract these guys. I have the advice on how not to date them: change your attitude and behaviors and your choices will be different….but how to remove the Weirdoes Welcome magnet embedded inside of me and start attracting a different caliber of man? Giving up Craigslist didn’t help and real world offerings…not a lot better. Giving up the active search….doing that. So any advice on that?

Okay, so I have learned I need validation and I need it from outside forces; I find it hard to forgive and I want to be right….how unique am I? Willing to wager not very….now I am going to grab a shower, cook some dinner and start preparing my next blog post about what I am learning from fictional TV characters and how it is helping with the process. I know you can’t wait to read about that one…hell, I can’t wait to read how I put it all together.

A Hot Mess!

I am hot. I am tired. And I am jaded, slightly bitter and no longer believe in love, happiness and happy endings. Stuff is happening ( life DOES go on) and I can see the good and bad in what is happening. The best thing about these updates I am about to share is that it has taken my mind off both my process and problems;  the worst thing is….it has depleted my stash of Tylenol… I am in  need of coupons and hookups for them at this point. I am just going to jump into the updating….the majority of the characters you are already familiar with, and the other I just introduced you to….no need for background info….you will catch up and catch on fairly quickly,  so let’s just jump in the deep end of the pool.

Sister Someone:  You may have read the story of Sister Someone and Brother Everything…..and I honestly thought that after all that has gone down between those two, we would be free of this particular drama for at least a week. No such luck. Sister Someone is living her own version of fantasy make-believe and hell-bent on realizing her dream of family….the woman called up Brother Everything maybe 2 days following the last blowup/blowout and told him without preface or preamble that the man has her 5-year-old son raising himself. When she told me she said that, I begged her to tell me she did not say that to the man. I mean, really….that statement leaves me speechless on so many levels I can only imagine Brother Everything’s reaction. First, that is not that man’s child and if the baby is raising himself….what does that say about her as a mother?

Then she starts up about a “family vacation” she says he promised her and she is not the only person to break a promise here. He was supposed to be responsible for some things financially for her and here I am just shaking my head. Apparently Chef, Oscar and myself are the only ones who remember his income was coming from her! But she insists that he is hurting her emotionally and financially and Brother Everything makes no apologies…he is who he is and right now, this drama has affected him on a lot of levels. Materially, he wants that car back…it would be different if she had never given him the vehicle, but she did and for her to snatch it back in frustration, anger and as a means of blackmail? Unacceptable. His ego is bruised: Sister Someone is the only woman to deny him and refuse him anything and that again, is unacceptable. He is willing to give her another chance, but until she gives up her hold on the car, he will do his best to hurt and belittle her as best and as often as he can. Sue him.

Yet, she is still bringing the man breakfast and lunch and here I went ballistic. I told her to STOP  giving him anything and for him to stop taking from her. His acceptance of the gifts fuels that tiny piece of hope we all hold onto for that special someone, and that is not right. Granted, she is giving for unhealthy and convoluted reasons, but that does not make his emotional baiting right. She wants him to see her and declare she is the one to fulfill his dreams, but they are not even in the same section of the library, let alone in the same book…doubtful they ever were. She says it is to show him how very, very sorry she is that everything went south in such a fucked up way and says she really believes that this relationship can be salvaged….but it cannot. It really can’t…he is only accepting the gifts because she is foolish enough to give them. He is playing on her emotions and now baiting her with yet another tale of moving…perhaps with the roommate, perhaps not. The man has gotten yet another raise at work (I am still trying to figure out how he does it!!) yet, he is crying broke more often than before and still Sister Someone rushes to his rescue. She wants to try again, but neither can compromise and she has yet to realize the reality of their relationship….she is the other woman and has never accepted that fact. She showed up at his office one morning to drop off the breakfast and overheard a phone conversation between the man and his mother; at the first mention of the Roommate (Brother Everything’s live-in girlfriend), she ran crying from the office saying he knows she loves him and to mention that woman in her presence is cruel….and this is where this week’s episode ends. I have a feeling that more updates are forthcoming.

Bi-Polar Dude: I first mentioned this dude in Thank Yous and In-Between Things…I left off torn between whether or not I would meet him for a dinner date. Well, I never did as he stood me up. I swear, I am being rejected by the mentally unstable…WHAT is the world coming to?? He never called to confirm or to see what time I would be at the metro station or anything…..so I went home, relieved. I did not have to be the bad person here and it felt good to stop off, eat some yummy pasta and grilled shrimp salad and head home. Then the next day, Saturday, my phone is ringing back to back to back and it is Bi-Polar Dude wanting to know what I am up to, which pissed me off. No, I did not want to see him but why are you calling me now when you were supposed to be around yesterday? I really hate that crap…nowhere to be found when you are supposed to be around but all up my ass afterwards…but he is bi-polar, off his meds, a recovering alcoholic who is not happy or comfortable with recovery and has self-admitted  “other” mental health disorders…so I made general chit-chat and he tells me he has a date with two women….one he saw the day before and will be seeing again the next day and a date that day. One thing about Bi-Polar Dude…he is not happy being single…he says being single and alone is physically painful to him and is the reason the only place he will ever live is in a house that rents either rooms or the basement out as an apartment. So out of these two dates he has decided that the first one he French kisses will be his girlfriend and he will break it off with the other one because he is not a dirty dog. I am just kinda wide-eyed at this point in the conversation….first, a French kiss makes a committed relationship AND he is the one who decides that? Second, this is the guy who told me his biggest kick is being deliberately late for dinner dates so he can ride slowly past the restaurant and see the date waiting for him…..and he does it every time, whether it is the first date or the fifth. Oh, but this conversation is just beginning…..he says that his new girlfriend will make him a better man and he will go to college and get degrees in: Law, IT and Hydroponics Vegetable Gardening. Simultaneously.

So, we fast forward maybe 3 days and he calls me again to tell me he had sex with one of the women ( I will call her Bolivia as that is where she is from) and she is now his girlfriend. He has never been to her place, she works at a fast food restaurant part-time and they had a total of 2 ½ dates: once at a “Bolivian” restaurant where he had a steak & cheese with fries and a bike ride on the 2nd hottest day of the year where she damned near passed out from heat exhaustion. The half date….he invited her over for Chinese and a movie on the computer, but somehow they ended up in bed where he stated he could not concentrate properly because of the buzzing in his head. Wow. But he says this chick is THE ONE. He will put his dream of living in California on hold for now…he is not  single (and he says it with the fervor and excitement of a cancer patient being told they are now in remission)  and they would have to find jobs out there. Well, I am sure with their combined skills set they will have no problems wherever they go.

One would think the conversation would have ended there but the man talks non-stop without taking a breath and then he tells me he is a chef. A true, genuine chef…give him a recipe and he can follow it to the letter. Okay…again, I have no comment to his proclamations, but then he wants to know if he and Bolivia can use my kitchen to cook each other a homemade meal…after all, he is being evicted from his place for beating the crap out of his landlord and she has roommates and they just want a place to be alone. And my response to that was pretty much…HELL, no. He tells me he understands and I am still a really good friend to him and talking to me calms the excessive energy that builds up inside of him. America, you can thank me at anytime for the service I am providing.

Nebraska: Remember Nebraska? Well, he is coming to town in two days and wants to see me…and in the beginning I agreed. He asked me before Him married the BTH and I was lonely, lost hurt and so many things….I figured a random encounter with someone who found me sexy, beautiful and would worship me could be instrumental in putting Him further to the back of my mind and I could lose myself in another if only for a few hours. Except now Nebraska has gone and complicated what should have been a simple hook-up. We have been emailing off and on for a few months and plans were made….we would meet after I got off work; he would have a BBQ dinner waiting for us in the room and then we would be naked and getting lost in each other. Then I get an email from him yesterday in which he states he wants to be honest (in case I find out somehow)….he is married with two children. He should have told me a long time ago, but in his defense…he didn’t have the two kids when we hooked up 4 years ago. Honestly, if he had told me this 4 years ago, it would not have made a difference to me what his status was….it was one day out of one year and he lives 1300 miles away. So what? But now….now I am processing, changing and growing and I have only two thoughts: WHY  be honest NOW? And a man who has no need to tell me his personal life does and the one who should have never did. I am not going to see him…it has become too convoluted and messy and I am not ready or willing to be a participant in his selfishness that is hurting more people than he even realizes.

So, these are the hot messes that are taking place around me….,how do I find these people and why won’t my people pleasing tendencies go on hiatus as I can see where two of these messes do not even need to be a part of my life….at all. I will be back sooner versus later with another new post…meanwhile, enjoy your day, stay cool and stay hydrated!

Discomfort

I have a cactus on my desk at work. I got it for three reasons: first, I asked for the plant. The other two reasons were the person who gave it to me needed the space it was taking up and they wanted to show their appreciation for some work I did for them. The cactus is a small desktop plant and I was going to make it a “her” and name her Medusa as her little branches/leaves/stems (whatever cacti have) look like little, prickly baby snakes…but once I got the plant settled, I decided it was a “him” and named him Charlie. Charlie has survived a move, ridicule (a co-worker put a biohazard sign in front of him) and my black thumb. He now needs to be re-potted…he has grown and is thriving and is too big for his original pot. Except I have no idea how to go about the process, and he is a cactus….re-potting the plant will take up time that has to be off the clock and I have dealing with his bristles a source of discomfort.

No one likes discomfort and not many can handle it well, but we have to learn. Life itself is filled with discomforts and we all have our (multiple) turns with it. When we don’t handle it well, we like to say we are fucked up or this is how we have always been…as if we are unique or different in some way but all those are cop-outs. Not even excuses…cop-outs. An excuse offers an apology for certain acts or behaviors; a cop-out is an evasion. We use being fucked up as a way of saying we are not “normal” but here is the rub in that: none of us are “normal”…we are all fucked up and it is only the matter of degrees that we are able to hide and handle the issues that qualify us as “normal” or not. So those of us who use how we don’t handle  the discomforts of life very well to justify simply inexcusable behaviors are not fucked up…we are just  rude, self-centered people who want to play the victim.

Nothing in life starts out with discomfort…if it did, we would not be bothered with doing anything. Everything starts out fun, happy and with good feelings all around…it is only later when the play is gone and work has to be done to maintain and/or re-capture the good feelings…that is when the discomfort begins…and when play becomes work, it is no longer fun. I am not sure if this is making sense to anyone but me, but it is like that saying: work hard, play hard. When play is hard, it is work…and who wants to work at having fun? Fun should be effortless and easy…but discomfort comes with all things, even those  that are supposed to be easy and fun. Sometimes we are so used to things being a certain way that when they aren’t…that is discomfort out of the gate. No one wants to be outside their comfort zone in any form or fashion…hence air conditioning in the summer and heat in the winter and pills for everything all year round…but how to deal with and work past discomfort? How to be comfortable in our skins again?

Unfortunately, you have to go through to get over. No one can wave a magic wand to make things all better….you can, however, take a pill. It won’t make the discomfort go away but it can make the process a bit more bearable. I know for me, with all I have been through in my life, I always have the same wish while going through a process: why can’t things go back to the way they were? I asked that question every day while processing through my addiction and learning to embrace recovery…once upon a time, I could not imagine my life without drugs being a part of it; now, I cannot imagine drugs having a place in my life at all, and today, what was once such a huge part of life (hell, it WAS my life)  is non-existent. I remember when Married Man and I broke up one time…I swore that this was the end of the line for us and I cried and cried. I took off work for three days, just being while I let my love for him bleed out from my broken heart, wishing things could go back to the way they were…of course, we reconciled and they did;  it would be another 3 years before I realized that whatever I felt for that man had left long ago and I simply did not want to deal with the discomfort of finding someone new.

This fiasco with Him has me feeling discomfort on all levels…. I still have zero levels of self anything and I am working on that. But it is also a blessing in disguise…since I have no self anything, I have no expectations of me or anyone I meet. So when I talk to the cute guys at work or flirt with men in the streets, it is just that: me being me, having a conversation and flirting. No hidden agendas, no thinking he could be THE NEXT BIG THING, no wondering am I pretty enough. In the beginning, I felt that I had to please people who felt I should be moving on and over him…but I am past that. I am proud of the progress I have made and Morning Person said it best…I fell for more than the superficial and went deeper than anyone expected; once the feelings resolve themselves, I will be a better, stronger person and him will be in for a world of hurt and loneliness. And the feelings will resolve themselves when they resolve themselves. No need to beat myself over having them or allowing others to do so…it’s a process.

I do not want to have to go through the discomfort of getting to know someone new….I am not in the mood to reveal myself to someone who may not understand or get it. I do not want someone who has not interacted with me before; I am too complicated and to try and explain who I am….impossible. I need to find someone who ‘gets’ me pretty much right off the bat or will at least accept that I am pretty much off the charts in a good way. Which is why I recycle relationships…no need to explain, start over or experience any discomfort…except that at some point there was discomfort; if there wasn’t, would we be recycling? So maybe there are levels are discomfort we are willing to put up with and we will suffer at the hands of someone we already know because we know the brand and levels of discomfort they will dispense? We all know the expression: better to deal with the devil you know versus the devil you don’t.

However, I am done dancing with the devil, and I am no longer wishing things could go back to the way they were (at least for today)….it is exhausting and I need a break. I am not going to lie…I do wish him would return…. but for what, I have no idea. Things would have to change because they were damn near impossible the way they were before. I do still love him, but I love me more today. Yes, the sex was great, but all that came between the sex was ridiculous…walking on eggshells, wondering how what I conveyed would be perceived, one week of “normal” behavior on his end, followed by six weeks of depressions and silences and the efforts I exerted to bring him back and build him up. Yet, all I had to work for, he freely offers the BTH and gives her even more than either of us ever wanted or expected ….and now I can only say there would be no them if there had not been an us first. And do you think I got a thank you from either of them? Nope….he leaves without a goodbye and she emails me at 1am to tell me I should happy for them. Really?  I say they are both ungrateful bitches. Their misery shall be my happiness.

I read something the other day: don’t love, can’t hurt….and it almost made sense for about 5 minutes. Then I realized, that is simply another form of discomfort…and have you noticed I am using the word discomfort instead of hurt? Because I don’t hurt anymore…I feel discomfort; I feel pressure versus pain and I think it is the healing taking place. I am NOT healed by any means but I am no longer in the ICU. But, back to the original thought…you cannot NOT put yourself back out there at some point in time….if you don’t, you will end up lonely or surrounding yourself with people who make you feel lonely because you are so desperate to fit in with anyone or anybody.  You can be alone while you suffer through the discomfort but natural instinct will take over and as people, we naturally do not want be alone; but discomforts, processes and life itself help you realize that time is short and our lives are finite so you need to be a bit more discerning as to who you share your time and your life with. And this is my time to be alone and figure out what type of man is worthy of sharing my life and time….to figure out who will be worthy of reaping the benefits of my current discomfort.

Okay, I have no idea how this post got here…it was just a bunch of random thoughts knocking around inside my brain while I was trying to figure out how to re-pot a cactus that has grown on me. I love my little Charlie and I have him being worth a pair of gardening gloves and a little discomfort…the end results are I won’t even remember the discomfort and he will be bigger, happier and around a little longer…which makes me happier. So maybe what I am trying to say is that anything or anyone you thought was worth it….maybe they were and the discomfort of adjustment and growing with them seals the deal on a good thing. And if  they weren’t worth it….the discomfort you go through  post-breakup prepares you for the something/someone that will be worth it. I hope so.

Thank Yous and In-Between Things

Now that the latest drama has been put to rest…at this point, we have to let time and nature do what they do….it is time for some overdue thank yous. I told you guys in Things I Did While Sick that I discovered a great blog about heartbreak and starting over run by Catherine (http://simplysolo.wordpress.com/), who then read some of MY blog and invited me to be a guest author on her site!! My blog post for her can be found here: http://simplysolo.wordpress.com/2011/07/12/simply-solo-spotlight-february-31/. Her readers are delightful, insightful and just a little flirty. So thank yous also go out to: Zak, KD, Kat Richter, Tori Nelson, Liber8tedsoul, Melissa Diane, bumberina, Larissa,  Mark Petruska and undertheabaya. You guys are awesome and showed me so much love…thank you ALL so much. I feel like a Hollywood starlet who has been discovered! And to anyone and everyone reading this right now, feel free to click on any of the hyperlinks here to meet new people and read about their experiences.

So I am watching Grey’s and eating double chocolate cake (I had salad yesterday so it balances out) and I am not sure if it is all the drama with Sister Someone or me just being hormonal, but the episode has me ready to cry. It is the conclusion of the 4th season finale, and it is all about loss and carrying on; friendship; letting go and forgiveness and just all things Grey’s Anatomy and I wonder am I getting closer to forgiveness with my own heartbreak and fiasco? Granted I think and wish the man all kinds of things negative and yes, he is the villain in my story….but does that make him a bad man? People do bad things, stupid things and crazy things all the time (raise your hand if you have not)  but that does not make them those things. Maybe, just maybe….there is another side to the story I am telling and when I am ready to listen …him will tell it. Yes, I have admitted and sincerely apologized for the role I played…as small as I think it may be, I also set some things in motion which pretty much sealed the deal towards a messy, dram filled fiasco. The hate and anger keep me a victim and we all know I still love him despite everything, but letting go of anything is so hard. Once you let go, who are you and what happens to the person you used to be?

 While I am eating chocolate cake and becoming philosophical, I am also emailing Oscar….she is back from a two day vay-cay in NYC to help calm her nerves from everyday life in general and the Sister Someone drama in particular. We are talking about an email I received yesterday that has me puzzled and has silenced everyone but Morning Person and Girlfriend. I cannot even describe the email….it looks as if it has been pieced and patched together and dated October of 2008. The subject is “feet”….now given my tendency to Craigslist, I automatically assumed it was from some guy I had met there and perhaps had actually hooked up with….I was addressed by name and the body of the email went like this: “I hope this message finds you well. Just wanted to see if we could still get together some time. When are you avail.”There was no email name or handle…just the initials R.E….and my first thoughts jumped to the Big Tittied Hooker (BTH) who is living my McLife ( I love Meredith Grey but she is wrong….people say that about people who are living the life they thought they should have been living)…when him gave her my personal info, she began emailing me using the initials RG…my initials. I mean, I have emailed with tons of people: Redskins4Life, an Oaf, whoknowswhy, mysteryenigmaquestionmark and even someone who went by OhGodIHopeYouAren’tFat…but the only initials I ever encountered came through her. Except….the email address was different and the woman is supposed to be on a family vacation with her husband, children and stepdaughters. I shook off what was beginning to look a lot like paranoia and asked who the person was. The response was this: “jonathan. I cam over a couple of times to your house. tall dark skinned guy. ring a bell? Its been a hot minute, though.” And that was when I knew whoever it was, they did NOT know me. I have not dated or been with a black man since Married Man….well, there was the potential Baby Daddy episode but there was money involved. I do not deal with younger men (the spelling and lack of grammar suggests younger) and tall?? Give me a break!! Pantyhose Dude is the tallest guy I have been with and he is not named ‘jonathan” nor is he dark-skinned. As for the subject of feet….mine can be professionally pedicured and at best they will only be presentable….so I am not emailing with folks about feet, feet fetishes or anything related to feet. So I am in two camps: based on the fact the email was pieced together, they addressed me by name and the body of the email would suggest something of a sexual nature, Girlfriend is going with a Craigslist spammer/scammer….Lord knows I respond and place enough ads for them to have the email address. But Oscar says the paranoia is correct, but it is not the BTH…she thinks it is him!! My mouth is hanging open, I am lighting cigarettes and all I can think is…Morning Person is so sending Oscar to her room for the rest of the day for that one. I do not know what to think (although a lot would point in that direction and why would the BTH go all undercover on us now? She had no problem addressing me by my name before) and I am not going to think about it…my head hurts enough without all the convolution and mixed signals him brings with him. There have been no more communications and it was probably all some huge coincidence anyway.

While all the drama was taking place, I had a date. Yeah, an actual, real life date….we were supposed to do Starbucks but ended up at the yummy pasta place instead. He is nice, introverted and just a little slow. I put it down to his being “normal” and shy. When he asked me questions, he took his time but it still came across as “questions to ask while on a date”. We took a short walk after dinner and he has called me every day since. I am not reading too much into it because he is into Latina women and still has some crazy ex-fiancée running in and out of his life. In any case, during one of our talks, he casually mentioned being bi-polar and off his medication. Oh, and he is a recovering alcoholic who hates going to AA meetings. So while I am trying to process all that he has just said, he keeps talking about the yelling and screaming going on upstairs in the rooming house he lives in…except all I hear is him talking and the sips of orange juice he is taking. Then he asks me do I hear the yelling, and I was stuck….do I say yes so he doesn’t feel completely crazy or do I tell truth and say no because by saying yes, I am telling him I hear voices too and then I may be expected to back up all his hallucinations all the time. I told him I did not hear anything, but maybe it is his phone not having enough signal. Now, he wants another date as he thinks I am kind and sweet and a great friend….but I waver. Yes, it is free food and something to do on a Friday night besides still trying to change over the closet and I may be safe as I am not Latina….but I am looking at him differently now since he is off his meds. It would be so much easier if he were on the meds….it really would be. And if you have to ask why, I am asking why you are reading this blog.

Well, this is the end of this blog post….I am out of cigarettes, the laundry needs to be put in the dryer and I need a shower. I will be back soon with more for us to read and enjoy. Have a lovely day!

The Other Side of the Story

The Saga of Sister Someone continues….and I am wondering how Chef, Oscar and myself find ourselves to be so fortunate as to be the ones to help our friend through the most convoluted break-up ever. I would think something of this magnitude would fall into the laps of our smartest and most experienced (anyone other than us) or into the laps of members who can let go and move on (again, anyone other than us). After all, we have Morning Person, Artsy Craftsy, New Mommy, Girlfriend and so many more to choose from. Cuz is NOT an option for this scenario ( he would be in Pimp Daddy mode)  and Quiet One will sum it up in five words or less and consider it a done deal: he’s using you. It’s a mistake. Next. Policeman will get all excited and agitated, interrupt people and wonder why logic and reason aren’t working and our Independent Consultants will pretty much not have the time nor the patience to deal with the he say/she say. Somehow, it is us three: a guy who still speaks of his fiancée, who passed away two years ago, in the present tense and two stuck on stupid  chicks still going through their own heartbreak and process, and in a week we have exerted more energy and man hours into this fiasco than we have into our own.

So, Sister Someone has come to us with her side of all that has happened and wondering what she will do and now Brother Everything has come forward….he says we have heard only half the story. There are two sides to every story you know, and she has him painted darker than the devil at this point and we need to know Glenn Close got her inspiration for her character in Fatal Attraction from Sister Someone, who apparently is a chick in need of lithium and has a rabbit in a pot on her stovetop as we speak. Truthfully, no one wanted to hear his side of the story….we have our friend’s version and it is neater, easier and cleaner to deal with that version. She is the victim, you are the villain and all we have to do is snap her out of her mindset that HE is the one she has been waiting for to fulfill her dream and calm will reign for all of 5 minutes over the Panel before the next drama pops off….but Morning Person and I are nosy and we said, let’s hear it.

So Brother Everything starts off by saying he told Sister Someone in the beginning that he was living with someone. Yes, he told her that things were not well at home and he planned to leave (he still maintains he is leaving) but there is no time frame. He says he was happy bringing baloney sandwiches from home and spending time with Sister Someone, but SHE was the one who suggested a “real” lunch date and she had no problem paying his way. According to Brother Everything, all outings were her idea.  In fact, EVERYTHING was Sister Someone’s idea. He never asked her to bring him breakfasts and lunches….he looked up one day and there she was like some Urban Betty Crocker. Sister Someone was the one who made all sorts of proclamations and when he told her he liked her, found her nice, sweet and long term material….she ran with it and in the wrong direction. Yes, he can see himself with her, but he has been in his current situation/arrangement for about 4 years now….he needs to get things in order in all areas before making the move and of course he is nervous about being on his own in all ways, but feels he needs to do it for himself. He is NOT moving from one house into another to simply jump through more hoops, and frankly, if Sister Someone is trying to make him jump through hoops now, what will she do once they are under the same roof? He tells us that she is so clingy and needy even that would not be enough…the time they do spend together, it is not enough for her to be in the kitchen and he is in the living room….when she calls his name, she wants to be able to turn around and see him.

In regards to this fiasco…..Brother Everything says it started over lunch back in early April….when he mentioned he would be moving, Sister Someone immediately jumped all over that asking where was he moving to, when was he moving and had he considered moving in with her? He was a little leery as he says she had been dropping hints about them moving in from Day 10; he told her he would be moving with the “roommate” until he could get himself situated financially and the FIRST words from Sister Someone were: come rent my basement. When I heard this statement, I was in disbelief for two reasons: first, the woman has had family members who were in need of a little help to get steady on their feet and I even asked her if my situation became dire straits could I utilize her basement? Granted neither party (myself and family member) could contribute much financially, but we could give something, and provide our own food, housecleaning and free babysitting services. We were both told…the basement was not for rent. Yet, for this guy…it is being offered on a silver platter. And my second thought was: your basement is NOT his own place…it is you, manipulating him into making your dream come true. Needless to say, he did not take her up on the offer.

The money….yes, he told her he needed it, but he never asked her for it. Call him what you will but if someone is offering you tax free dollars that do not need to be repaid, mama ain’t raise no fool. Besides, if the roles were reversed, we would be telling Sister Someone to get all she could from him. I am not going to argue with that statement. The lying/leading on: Brother Everything says he never directly lied to her face, but he never corrected her when she put timelines out there….he simply said “if you say so”. That was a mistake….clear communication is key and if you are NOT in agreement with something, tell them that. Women need a direct negative response…without one, we can analyze, rationalize and manipulate your response into whatever we want it to be. He did state that he would not accept anything if it had strings tied to it…he would NOT be moving in with her because she was helping him out. Yes, they would still be a couple, it would still be long term, exclusive ( even more so now) and wouldn’t it be great to have overnights at both his place and hers? Yes, he would move in with her one day, but not right now. And I have to agree with Brother Everything when he says the woman hears what she wants to: she only hears he will move in, and the not right now part goes out the window.

The car: he told her NOT to buy the car, he could borrow one of hers…but she insisted. She knew he wanted his own car, but how is it his if it is in her name? She swore that the car was not contingent upon him moving in and Sister Someone verifies that statement…she told him one had nothing to do with the other and as long as he did not default on the payments, he would always be able to keep the car. And here is where Brother Everything gets angry: IF one has nothing to do with the other, WHY did she snatch the car back when he ONCE AGAIN told her that he was not moving in? She has shown herself to be a woman with no honor or integrity and gave him NO chance to prove himself. Morning Person says that statement is a harsh one to issue to someone, but I completely understand….all a person has is their word, and when Him broke his promise to me while breaking my heart, I told him he showed me the type of man he was, which was not much of one. He was a liar with no integrity or honesty, disrespectful, cowardly and re-defined the word bitch. So I feel Brother Everything, and I asked Sister Someone about it…I presented her with two scenarios: they are living together , everything is going well BUT he defaults on the loan…what does she do? She said she would assume the payments. In the second scenario, they are living together, he is making the payments, but they aren’t working out and he wants to leave…what does she do? She says he can leave, but he will be walking when he does so.

So by her OWN admission….the car is her weapon to get him to come make her dreams come true. This car, which she cannot afford at all, she would gladly sacrifice and pay for if he were with her. Although since the breakup , she says she feels safer with it in her garage as he is a terrible driver. I am not sure about terrible…irresponsible , yes. She wants to know if he will pay the tickets and the payment that is upcoming. Brother Everything said he would pay the tickets but not the payment; he is not paying for what he is not using. Sister Someone  tells him he pays it all or he pays nothing…and as a threat, that falls a little flat to me. Alex, I will take nothing for $200 please.

And in spite of ALL of this….she wants to try again as she believes this can be salvaged. She wants to tell him how very, very sorry she is that she lied and broke her word and can they start over fresh? Except Brother Everything’s idea of fresh is to pick up where she fucked up…with the car and Sister Someone says no, from Square One. And now, this car…the source of contention, the bargaining chip…is crashed. Sister Someone drove it the other day, and got rammed in the back and WHO did she call first to report the accident? Not the police or the insurance company or even AAA…she called Brother Everything, who told her he was done. They cannot compromise and she is still seeing and hearing what she wants to see and hear. He advised her to call her insurance company and then figure out what she wanted to do with the car after that. Sister Someone told him she would find someone else…she is not going to allow him to string her along and he should know anyone she dated and spent her time and money on needed to know her goal was a family….and he told her that would have been nice to know before they got overly involved. And then she asked him would he consider another 90 days fair to try again.

This is where I am ending the saga of Sister Someone…she is on a Road To Perdition and unwilling to listen or see…not sure if it is a resistance to the pain of the process or if the blinders are permanently glued to her head but she is setting records for longest posts ever, amounts of Tylenol taken in a single setting and having us wondering if we should try to get on her Dr. Phil. She is our friend and we love her and we will be there for her, but at this point in time, Sister Someone has more than the blues and is giving the rest of us headaches.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sister Someone’s Blues

This is a blog post that should not be here. It is not what I planned to post or even write, but if you are a regular reader, you know these posts are the results of some emergency, an epiphany or something I just HAVE to get off my chest. Today’s post is no different, but it does not involve me. A lot of stuff goes on behind the scenes over here with my Panel…New  Mommy swears we should televise the blog and have a talk show, and we won’t even need guests….we each take at turn in the seat and let the show begin. I am not sure the Panel is ready for television…it would be a lot of bleeps and blackouts and how would you know what was really going on? For now, we will stick with the blog…besides, at least this way we stay somewhat anonymous and do not have to worry about neighbors and co-workers knowing ALL of our business. Oh, and just to give fair warning…if I normally do short stories as opposed to blog blurbs, this post is potentially a novella. Grab snacks.

The title of this blog is taken from an episode of Grey’s Anatomy (if you aren’t watching that show, you need to…it is great! Just overlook the entire Izzie has cancer and Torres/Hahn love affair storylines)…the episode was titled “Blues for Sister Someone” and when I knew this post was going to be written, this was the second phrase that came to mind but it was the only one that fit. Everyone has hopes and dreams….some of us even have the same ones. We wish and hope and dream of being independently wealthy, of being happy, of being in love forever and ever, for a better job, a bigger house and some of us wish and hope and dream of a family. Of course if wishes were horses then beggars would ride and to achieve these things, we have to work hard and exert effort and we need to recognize when we are pouring our efforts into the wrong vessel or that sometimes when it does not work out, it is not that our blessing has been denied…it is only delayed. Why, we do not know but best to be patient and re-formulate our plans than to continue to beat a dead horse. I grant you, sometimes the signs are not obvious or are horribly mixed when it comes to our situations, but every once in a while…the situation is crystal clear with clarity and we get so tangled up in what we feel we HAVE to have ( it is our hope and our dream, after all), we blind ourselves, which is what is happening right now as I type this.

Our Sister Someone….I will not reveal which member it is, but maybe you will guess….we know who she is…..is on a path that has led to a brick wall and she has hit it hard, all for her wanting of a family. She has the baby, now she wants the father/husband figure. She wants to come home from work to a smiling, happy child and a man who will light up when he sees her; who will spend time with her child (whom he shall take as his own) ; who will eat her cooking and call it delicious and will help with dishes. A man who will help her bathe the child, lay with her watching mindless television while playing with her hair; a man who will kiss her, tell her he loves only her and will complete her life. She wants to do laundry for him, pack lunches for him and the child and she wants them to pile into the family car together in the mornings, drop the baby off at daycare and metro into work together. She wants what she sees on 1950s television and in the happily ever after movies….she wants the fairytale and will do whatever it takes to get it.

This dream is nothing new to Sister Someone…she tried before and was pretty much taking Brother Anyone to realize the dream…men who used her sexually, emotionally and financially. Men who treated her as less than but because they filled some bottomless void inside of her, she not only accepted the treatment, I believe she began to crave it. I say this because she did the self-improvement thing and STILL overlooked the nice guys and gravitated towards the idiots and asses. She lost weight, she wears make-up, she gets her nails and feet professionally groomed on a regular basis. She works hard at her job and has excelled there; she saves her money, owns her own home and car; she is BFFs with Suze Orman and Joel Olsteen (not literally) for an all-around balance and has excellent credit. She worked hard to make herself more desirable and attractive to men and even took time off dating to make sure she was where she wanted to be and decided she did not need a man to be a part of her life to give her a family, and had her baby on her own. Seriously, on the surface, she could be Essence’s Woman of the Year. But then the loneliness crept back in….she wanted companionship, she wanted sex, she wanted a complete family unit. So she went back out into the world of dating and did worse than ever…men to whom she was not physically attracted; men who did not satisfy her sexually and men who came around when it suited them…usually every 6 months or so and who always wanted something from her. She began recycling toxic relationships and then…she met Brother Everything, the guy who she thought would be all that and more.

Physically, he was all she ever wanted: tall, handsome, clean cut and looks good in a suit. He has a silver tongue and was smooth in his delivery of even the most clichéd of lines. He tells a good story and best of all: he was divorced, open to marriage and a family with the right woman and he told her she was pretty , nice and he could see himself with her. Did I mention he was another woman’s man? Yep, he has a live-in girlfriend but (and stop me if you have heard this before)….it wasn’t what Sister Someone thought….they were no longer intimate and had not been in some time (yet, they slept in the same bed), he was miserable and was just biding his time until his finances were right to move out on his own. He was just re-entering the workforce and needed a woman who would be patient with him while he got his act together. For one of them, it was love at first sight and Sister Someone put on her blinders and rose colored glasses and dived right in. It started with lunches in the park where they each brought something from home…when it moved to actual lunch dates, she had no problem picking up the check…after all, he was struggling to save and she did make more money than he did, which he was quick to constantly point out whenever the check arrived.

It progressed to Sister Someone bringing him lunch from her house (he could save more money if he did not have to buy so many groceries) and then, breakfast…she would stop by his office before going into her own to drop off a hot sandwich and an apple. Talks turned flirtatious and sexual innuendo crept into the conversations. Outwardly, he would tell her and the general public he did want to be with her, but when it came time to spending alone time…he balked and had excuse after excuse. Then came what should have been the turning point (and it was, but not the way anyone thought)….he got a promotion and a SERIOUS raise at work. More disposable income should have meant more savings, but then we heard about the child support he was behind on, the bills he had not been helping with in his own household and still, Sister Someone was bringing him food and picking up tabs not only at the more frequent lunch dates, but at the occasional happy hours he and his buddies he had invited and Sister Someone attended and by now, she is growing a little resentful. Fine, she gets it…he has no money, but he could treat himself to lunch at least twice a week and never once asked her if she wanted a bag of chips. She bought him small gifts, sent him emails and texts all day and made sure to remember his birthday….he showed up two days late for hers, drunk off his ass and had sex for the first time with her as her birthday present.

Sister Someone saw the warning signs: the man really did not know his job as evidenced by his phone calls for help to her; he pretty much was a liar (either directly or by omission) and he did not handle liquor well and drank it often. He was jealous and petty and childish when she hung out and flirted with male co-workers and he became possessive…all the while going home to his “roommate” with whom he shared a bed. IF he took off work to spend time with her, he always bitched and moaned about how short his check was going to be and Sister Someone began reimbursing him so he would not have to endure any hardship. The lies he told became more blatant and obvious and he began telling them to her friends.

She put the brake on whatever it was they had for a week….but found herself thinking of him too often, and said no other man could measure up to him….physically or sexually…and that is when I knew she was in trouble. Men are not the only ones who think with their little head, trust that. And he returned with news: the lease was up at the place he was currently residing and he was looking for a place to live. If you notice, I did not say “good news” because he was looking for a place with the “roommate” as by this point they were financially dependent on each other. (Biggest red flag ever: how can the “roommate” be dependent on him financially when she supported him and the entire household for the year he was unemployed? ) Sister Someone saw her opportunity: what was needed for him to come live with her? Come make her hope and dream of a true family unit a reality? Well, first of all money….he needed to be able to take care of some legal issues, he needed a new wardrobe, he needed to make sure all his ducks were in a row. Sister Someone did nt hesitate…pretty much, the man got the equivalent a year’s salary to take care of his needs, but that was not all he needed. He needed a car….he had to be able to get around and since he was NOT leaving the “roommate” just yet….what kind of man would he be if he left her in a bind after all she had done for him?…….a car for him would be the best thing so they could spend oodles of time together until the time was right to leave. Sister Someone told him if he agreed to a firm date and his bags would be in her house, it was done. And a date was set….

….and the date came and went with no bags, no phone calls, no nothing. By this time he had the car ( in her name, with her making payments and in less than one month 3 tickets and a tow had been accrued against the vehicle)  and in that time, their time together did not increase. She confronted him and issued an ultimatum: assume payments on the car, begin  repayment on the money doled out to him and remain friends or leave his home immediately…and she was told he was NOT leaving his home, and if he ever did…he would be a bachelor first before settling down with anyone. They could still be together, but it would not be what she thought it was or wanted it to be for quite awhile yet…and now Sister Someone is heartbroken and if you listen to Brother Everything, the villain in the story she has written. She misconstrued everything, pressured him into accepting all the gifts and everything was her idea. Oh, and now she is a petty bitch because she re-claimed the car and  what in the HELL was he supposed to tell his friends and family about the vehicle? No wonder she wanted everything in HER name…..just so she could pull this stunt and he is glad she has revealed her true colors because now he knows she would have his shit all in the street the first time he was late coming home. Yet, Sister Someone is the one sitting at home wondering how her savings got depleted and now her outgoing expenses greatly outweigh her incoming dollars and wondering what to tell her son about the big surprise that never materialized.

And STILL, she has not learned her lesson: Sister Someone threw herself on his mercy and begged him to take her back. They could go to counseling and try to get help; she would agree to a later date….just come back. She refuses to return the car and she is willing to risk ALL she has worked for to ensure this man returns to her. After all, he may not want her, but he wants that car. She says she hurts and doesn’t want to hurt any longer….but the one who causes the pain is NOT the one to relieve the pain. All they do is put a bandage on this huge, blood gushing wound and when they do the same as before , not only do they rip the bandage off, there is another huge, gaping wound to contend with. She has the Panel in disbelief……in this day and age of enlightenment, Oprah, and Dr. Phil, everyone should know the warning signs of both use and abuse. My hairs are turning gray and my head hurts; Morning Person is speechless; Oscar is asking questions here, there and everywhere….Artsy Craftsy is about to issue a statement and New Mommy says to dust her chair off as she needs to be back at the table immediately to chime in on this. Chef just wants to know can he have the car…but seriously, he wants to talk to her and remind her of what she brings to the table and giving any mofo the china and silverware to decorate their table is not the way to go.

Sister Someone…listen to us. We are your friends…we love you and have learned some life lessons along the way. Let us share with you what we have found out: everything that looks good is not good for you. This man showed you who he was off the bat, and you were blinded by the physical…..he was bankrupt financially, spiritually and emotionally. There is more to a person than good looks, and a good looking person is not necessarily a good person.

The sex: you can give yourself a wet ass. Sounds blunt and crude, but now is not the time to pussyfoot around. Buy a vibrator, a dildo and some porn. Love yourself in the very basest sense of the words.

A relationship can end fucked up, but it cannot start off that way. Period. When he first began revealing himself to you, you should have run…far and fast.

Speaking of relationships….learn the definition of these two words and remember them: relationship and relationshit. You will know pretty much off the bat which is which.

You have a Panel of Experts…utilize us!! We all do foolish things, but we also know when we are about to do something so foolish we KNOW it ain’t right….THAT is when you call on us. We can ground you and save you from yourself.

Recycling a relationship….recycle means to take something, rip it to shreds, process it and it emerges after the process as something brand new and sometimes it has a totally new use and function. When breakups and blowups occur within a relationship, usually the only recycling that happens is with the person being dumped. So why go through the process and be the only changed person just to take back the one who caused the process in the first place? Actions speak louder than words and if you are picking up where you left off….not a good sign.

You don’t want to hurt….no one does. But you will….and you have to hurt to heal. Stop rushing…it will take as long as it takes for the pain to fade…and while it is a roller coaster ride, you will find you reach a plateau where there are stretches of good days and acceptance is your friend and not the enemy. Take this time to find out about you…why you not only attract these men, but why you are attracted to them. Love yourself, like yourself. And I know we all say we love ourselves, but look at how you treat yourself….would you set anyone you cared about up with a man like that? Why set yourself up with him, then? This man has shown you he cannot be bought but he has no problem taking your money and letting you think he can.  No, we cannot control how others treat us and we cannot make them see how wonderful we are but we can control how their treatment of us allows us to treat us…and if you are really up for a challenge…stop allowing how they treat us affect how we see ourselves.

Well, this has turned out to be the LONGEST.POST.EVER. and if you made it all the way through, leave a comment and win a prize. Not really, but thanks for doing so. It needed to be said and hopefully I have helped someone other than myself…I needed to read/hear the lessons learned.  I know there are other Sister Someones out there and while your story may not be the same, hopefully you realize the words of wisdom are for you too. I will be back later in the week with more fresh new posts for us all to enjoy.