Before I begin this blog post, I have breaking news: Cuz and I have made up!!! YAY We are friends again; we have both apologized, celebrated with a damn near 6 hour phone conversation and he is going to give Bell Pepper a personal apology also, which she has stated that she will most definitely accept it. Morning Person is happy to have this tiff behind us and Oscar is going to throw a We Kissed and Made Up party. I really am glad…I missed my friend.
It dawned on me that I have not really talked about the process or the places it has taken me lately….and in a recent post I stated I believed Him was returning and I still had no idea what I would do if he did so. That statement bothered me ….it still bothers me because something is wrong there. And I finally figured it out…I still hold an expectation. I blog about how no one should have an expectation concerning an ex, I write about how Morning Person tells us ALL. THE. TIME. to not hold an expectation, yet I still have one. I also still have the dread in my heart and the stones in my tummy….I have so many theories: I am mourning the loss of the relationship; it could be a warning sign of something not nice headed my way; but I am going with Mini-Me’s evaluation…it is the last stage of grief. I think I did an excellent job with the first four stages: denial, anger, bargaining and depression. The last stage is acceptance which I believe is making itself known, and opening up another avenue for me to explore….I am still giving this man power over me in more ways than one. So let’s just get started with the therapy session, shall we?
An expectation is defined as the act or state of looking forward or anticipating something and if this next statement is not the truth, I will eat my hat ( if I wore one)….I have held an expectation ever since this fiasco went down. I really have…first I held the expectation that should we ever part, he would be an honorable gentleman who would tell me he was moving on, and honestly I am STILL holding onto that expectation. I have NO idea why I went there (and I am still there)…in the very beginning when she was just the chick he took to a party, he would not face me and all I wanted then was my panties and my porn. I expected he would return to me. I thought him would see what apparently everyone else sees about this chick, wise up and return to mama. Then I held an expectation that SHE would get bored and fed up with him, and leave him…and then he would return to me. When it became obvious she knew which side her bread was buttered and he was obviously enjoying spreading the butter, I expected he would apologize and/or explain….he finally broke down and gave me something but that crap was so lame and convoluted, he had to do it three times and the best I could blog about the final apology /explanation was that it ALMOST seemed sincere. It was enough to make me cry, but I think I cried over the death of yet another expectation: that he really would not marry her and that we would still somehow be able to be a part of each other’s lives. Now, I am holding onto an expectation that this shit blows up in his face (and I will have a front row seat to it) and he comes crawling back telling me he made a mistake and THEN I will finally get a true and sincere apology. And I need to let that expectation go…..the BTH really and truly could be all he has waited for his entire life and this will be his happily ever after. Of course, no one but me believes that statement, but as we have witnessed, stranger things have happened. And if she isn’t his one….what good does it do me to get the crawling back and the apology? That is a step, which will have to be followed by another step and am I ready to take anything anywhere again with this man? I do know I attributed too many good qualities to his reputation( how one presents themselves to others) as opposed to realizing his character (what he really was/is) and here I have to take a page from Girlfriend’s book…if I am the only one who has changed (IF I have changed), where does that leave us? And a better question: what if we have both changed, and in ways that do not meet my expectation?
But there is a part of me that cannot let go of the expectation because the expectation makes acceptance easier. Again, I am that chick who HATES change. It is painful and mean and evil…and acceptance is a hard thing to swallow, especially when it comes to rejection and/or loss, so I take my acceptance in doses. Morning Person says it would be easier if I just grew a pair of balls and took it all at once, but she really is proud of me. That I have made it this far without having to kill someone (myself included) is a miracle in itself. And having an expectation, however small, has helped me to accept what I have so far, although it seems to be in an ass backward way. With the dashing of every expectation, comes the acceptance that it really is what it is. And to clear the next hurdle in the road, I ready a new expectation. It will either be met or dashed, and then I can accept the reality of the present situation that much easier. I am not sure if that makes sense at all, but it’s working and isn’t that what counts?
I did find out that I can live without him in my life…but here is the rub: he really hasn’t gone anywhere, physically or mentally. Mentally, I am reliving all of the good times we had, and I still see his smile, and the way he would look at me….I remember our last time together and if I am really still and it is really quiet…I still feel his lips and hands all over my body and the feel and taste of him; I remember his laughter and the smell of cigars and the way his chest hairs felt as I ran my fingers through them and his arms holding me close and safe. And of course, I am still asking myself why didn’t he choose me and then I get sad. But not for long and there are times now when the tears DON’T fall.
I actually went back and re-read email exchanges between him and I and between Panel members and I ….and apparently I am the only one blindsided by this. Yes, others are surprised and shocked, but I think I am the only person blindsided. Emails from Artsy Craftsy offering advice, telling me to leave him alone and block his email address; emails from Chef saying the man was an ass and a blind one at that; Quiet One saying I must have seen him because he was smiling and so happy and I was too generous and kind to him, and the emails from me to him alternating between eat shit and die to I love you. Emails from him telling me I am so kind and incredibly loving, I’m the only one, he cares so much and wants me to have who and what I truly deserve and then telling me that he was clearly, sincerely and honestly done with me as it wasn’t working out and to never contact him again…then emails between us setting up a date and time to meet and get together not 3 days later. See, I need to be thanking someone for not being chosen…..what we had was too volatile and so much pain and hurt (intentional or not) has been flung. I don’t want to think the damage is irreparable but change is happening within me and I have to wonder what I hate about myself so much that I would even entertain the thought of putting myself in harm’s way in any capacity…again.
Physically, we are hearing rumors and stories and frankly, I know too much for him to be my ex who has moved on to his new life. I no longer ask about him…..Artsy Craftsy will not tell me anything if I were to ask, and all I have heard from her is….physically he has changed a lot and I would no longer be attracted to him. No, what we have heard has come from him (who or where else would we get it?) and we know where he lives, where and when he is going on vacation, that marriage isn’t what he thought it would be, he has yet to put up a wedding picture (and the one we have seen has us wondering if any of that 100k went towards pictures and photos), he is back coming into the office at 6am (and despite the only folks in the office at that hour are in his department and he has lost all this weight and looks/feels so great….he is paging people to come to him….not significant, we just think that is lazier than hell) and the list goes on and on. He leaks it to my friends who tell me….and it is no longer a report or an update…he has been reduced to workplace gossip and even though I am dead set on moving on even further , the smartest move I could make right now would be to tell my Panel members that I no longer wish to hear the gossip, and they would both understand and respect my wishes. But him knows me, and I give him credit…he knows me better than I thought he did. When I worked at the Island, he would sometimes comment that the office was a hen party and I was the Head Hen. I am always the one on top of everything gossip and he knows that I am nosy as hell…..he will leak it to the right people, and it comes to me because I am too nosy to say I don’t want to hear it. So, now I am wondering why is it necessary for him to make sure I hear these things. Of course, despite my expectation that all is not well, my first instinct is to reach out to him and at this point, the only ones against such a move are Morning Person, Buddy, Quiet One, Guardian Princess and Girlfriend. Oscar says the man is reaching out and Cuz agrees. Cuz has even gone so far to say it is time I stop ignoring Him and to respond to the man. Cuz says him is scared and stupid and needs not only my help but the help of the Panel….according to Cuz, we are the only ones strong enough and tough enough to stand up to Him’s demons and the wrath of the BTH. Cuz thinks the man has good days, bad weeks and is en route on his trip to hell and back on a half a tank of gas but we are not the Justice League or SuperFriends and my Wonder Woman cape is in the cleaners…indefinitely. I realize I sound mean and bitchy, but I am recovering from emotional trauma at his hands and for real….at the end of the day, I will be the bitch in this. May as well be the mean bitch versus the dumb bitch.
I still waffle between utter hatred and contempt for him and loving him so much my heart aches. Perhaps I am not mourning the relationship per se, but the loss of how I held the expectation that I was supposed to be the one to reap the happily ever after where he is concerned. After all, I am the one who saw his worth (and no, it wasn’t financial) and I was the one who for years would be alone in a room with him and I was the one who cared for him when he was sick and held him when he felt alone and lost. I have not forgiven him and wish him all kinds of misery but no hurt and no death. A small comfort but to me it is the biggest step and the closest I can come to forgiveness…don’t die and don’t suffer but be miserable for the rest of your days. I just cannot wish him happiness when I have none for myself and who knows when I will heal over enough to let it in again?
Believe it or not, I am trying to change my way of not only thinking but of interpreting what I do hear…..today, he is no longer in need of my help….he is telling these things to let me know how happy he is. He made choices that I think he should have thought through a little bit longer and did things that, if our roles were reversed, he would not appreciate at all….but that is looking back. The past cannot be changed or undone and the future is shrouded in mystery…what we all have is the present and I am trying to make mine as positive as possible. I am having lunch dates here and there, I went to a summer concert in the park, I am going to a live baseball game (my first ever!!) and just trying to remember that the here and now is what counts. Yes, I am still holding onto expectations (and some still involve him, but more for me) ….that I will heal enough to both find and fall in love again…with a man who will get me and understand me and accept me…who will easily express to me what he feels, who will be truthful versus hurtful, who is appreciative and wants to be appreciated in return and who will know what he has in me and that he is deserving of all I offer. Until that day, I am a single woman in a big city who just may be finally coming to accept that what she had with a man she still feels is her soul mate…is really and truly gone.