Oscar Takes Over

I am sick….and no, not with snot and sniffles. Really sick as in I have a fever, sweats, nausea, headaches, sore throat and coughing fits so prolonged and severe my insides feel as if they are permanently bruised. Do not even get me started on my congestion: it is so thick and deep, it has altered the sound of my voice. I missed work two days last week and was told by my supervisor at 6:30am on Friday to just stay home. People had families, children and lives and I was a threat to everyone with my feverish and germy butt.

I do have a post in mind to share with you guys, but right now it is all I can do to type this up; Oscar has pretty much been my constant companion during this illness and has suggested I share two more poems she wrote with the world. Her writer’s block is gone, she is back to missing him, Jr.  and she has been going through some irritating situations on the home front  and the words came rushing out in a torrent one night. So while I try to get better and formulate all that has gone on, enjoy Oscar’s poetry….as always, it is poignant and says so much with so little. We shall return to regularly scheduled programming before the week is out.

 

Five More Minutes

Can I have just five more minutes? To try to make sense of you, to try to make sense of us. Years of laughing and crying, years of never giving up led us to where we are now… but where are we now? Who are we now? Who have we become and why don’t we know each other? Can I have just five more minutes? To see you and pretend this never happened; to love and laugh…remember how happy we used to be? Can I have just five more minutes? To look each other in the eyes; to block out everyone and everything; to come back to reality; to say goodbye. I just need five more minutes.

 

Words

It is this time in which I have ran out of words; just thoughts and feelings run through the stream in which my blood flows; leaving me with more grief and sorrow that God only knows. And it is also this time in which I miss my words…. I need the release, so much to say but nothing to purge. I keep it bottled up, with lock and key for my own protection, but I’m unable to unleash what has had a hold of my recollection. It was all that I knew, my memory was engaged in so much more than you. I built a wall, I called it rage. Why did I just think of you? You weren’t supposed to come out; I disposed of your existence, for I hate you, without a doubt. I promised to not lose train of thought, I was going somewhere with this…. as I recall, we were speaking of the words that I miss; the words that went away, somewhere far and deep within, to never, never land. Will they ever return again? Does anything ever really return once it’s reached that sort of land? But I am an expert with this, as I have been there, and back again. I am living proof that we somehow find a path, and even if it’s unbalanced, it’s always the direction in which we laugh.  A laugh…. I remember what that used to feel like…. it has become quite the stranger. And just like my words, which have gone missing for some time, I wonder if it is in danger? But I love danger, I thrive on its passion. For passion is magic, but magic is stronger; stronger to the point of being able to hold its own strength, allowing it to vanish out of sight… coming from nowhere, and things are beautiful torn apart, but only if they can be mended, unlike a broken heart. A broken heart can break a million times, that doesn’t mean it was once repaired. A broken heart is broken, saturated in blood and tears….Although, a broken heart is powerful, for it is the only broken organ that continues to beat, keeping the soul alive, but never allowing ends to meet. We all will meet in time at the same place… we will hand over our hearts, broken and bloody. We were loved and now we are hated… our new life will start. I hope in the future, in that new life to come, that my words and I will reconcile, and I will thank them for all that they’ve done; for all that they’ve allowed me to achieve, all the stress and the anger they’ve helped me relieve. And I will realize at that moment, when we meet in another breath, that the words I have been missing, are the ones that never left.

 

 

 

 

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Great Expectations

Before I begin this blog post, I have breaking news: Cuz and I have made up!!! YAY We are friends again; we have both apologized, celebrated with a damn near 6 hour phone conversation and he is going to give Bell Pepper a personal apology also, which she has stated that she will most definitely accept it. Morning Person is happy to have this tiff behind us and Oscar is going to throw a We Kissed and Made Up party. I really am glad…I missed my friend.

It dawned on me that I have not really talked about the process or the places it has taken me lately….and in a recent post I stated I believed Him was returning and I still had no idea what I would do if he did so. That statement bothered me ….it still bothers me because something is wrong there. And I finally figured it out…I still hold an expectation. I blog about how no one should have an expectation concerning an ex, I write about how Morning Person tells us ALL. THE. TIME. to not hold an expectation, yet I still have one. I also still have the dread in my heart and the stones in my tummy….I have so many theories: I am mourning the loss of the relationship; it could be a warning sign of something not nice headed my way; but I am going with Mini-Me’s evaluation…it is the last stage of grief. I think I did an excellent job with the first four stages: denial, anger, bargaining and depression. The last stage is acceptance which I believe is making itself known, and opening up another avenue for me to explore….I am still giving this man power over me in more ways than one. So let’s just get started with the therapy session, shall we?

An expectation is defined as the act or state of looking forward or anticipating something and if this next statement is not the truth, I will eat my hat ( if I wore one)….I have held an expectation ever since this fiasco went down. I really have…first I held the expectation that should we ever part, he would be an honorable gentleman who would tell me he was moving on, and honestly I am STILL holding onto that expectation.  I have NO idea why I went there (and I am still there)…in the very beginning when she was just the chick he took to a party, he would not face me and all I wanted then was my panties and my porn.  I expected he would return to me. I thought him would see what apparently everyone else sees about this chick, wise up and return to mama.   Then I held an expectation that  SHE would get bored and fed up with him, and leave him…and then he would return to me. When it became obvious she knew which side her bread was buttered and he was obviously enjoying spreading the butter, I expected  he would apologize and/or explain….he finally broke down and gave me something but that crap was so lame and convoluted, he had to do it three times and the best I could blog about the final apology /explanation was that it ALMOST seemed sincere. It was enough to make me cry, but I think I cried over the death of yet another expectation: that he really would not marry her and that we would still somehow be able to be a part of each other’s lives. Now, I am holding onto an expectation that this shit blows up in his face (and I will have a front row seat to it)  and he comes crawling back telling me he made a mistake and THEN I will finally get a true and sincere apology. And I need to let that expectation go…..the BTH really and truly could be all he has waited for his entire life and this will be his happily ever after. Of course, no one but me believes that statement, but as we have witnessed, stranger things have happened. And if she isn’t his one….what good does it do me to get the crawling back and the apology? That is a step, which will have to be followed by another step and am I ready to take anything anywhere again with this man?  I do know I attributed too many good qualities to his reputation( how one presents themselves  to others)  as opposed to realizing his  character (what he really was/is) and here I have to take a page from Girlfriend’s book…if I am the only one who has changed (IF I have changed), where does that leave us? And a better question: what if we have both changed, and in ways that do not meet my expectation?

But there is a part of me that cannot let go of the expectation because the expectation makes acceptance easier. Again, I am that chick who HATES change. It is painful and mean and evil…and acceptance is a hard thing to swallow, especially when it comes to rejection and/or loss, so I take my acceptance in doses. Morning Person says it would be easier if I just grew a pair of balls and took it all at once, but she really is proud of me. That I have made it this far without having to kill someone (myself included) is a miracle in itself. And having an expectation, however small, has helped me to accept what I have so far, although it seems to be in an ass backward way. With the dashing of every expectation, comes the acceptance that it really is what it is. And to clear the next hurdle in the road, I ready a new expectation. It will either be met or dashed, and then I can accept the reality of the present situation that much easier. I am not sure if that makes sense at all, but it’s working and isn’t that what counts?

I did find out that I can live without him in my life…but here is the rub: he really hasn’t gone anywhere, physically or mentally. Mentally, I am reliving all of the good times we had, and I still see his smile, and the way he would look at me….I remember our last time together and if I am really still and it is really quiet…I still feel his lips and hands all over my body and the feel and taste of him;  I remember his laughter and the smell of cigars and the way his chest hairs felt as I ran my fingers through them and his arms holding me close and safe. And of course, I am still asking myself why didn’t he choose me and then I get sad. But not for long and there are times now when the tears DON’T fall.

 I actually went back and re-read email exchanges between him and I and between Panel members and I ….and apparently I am the only one blindsided by this. Yes, others are surprised and shocked, but I think I am the only person blindsided. Emails from Artsy Craftsy offering advice, telling me to leave him alone and block his email address; emails from Chef saying the man was an ass and a blind one at that; Quiet One saying I must have seen him because he was smiling and so happy and I was too generous and kind to him, and the emails from me to him alternating between eat shit and die to I love you. Emails from him telling me I am so kind and incredibly loving, I’m the only one, he cares so much and wants me to have who and what I truly deserve and then telling me that he was clearly, sincerely and honestly done with me as it wasn’t working out and to never contact him again…then emails between us setting up a date and time to meet and get together not 3 days later. See, I need to be thanking someone for not being chosen…..what we had was too volatile and so much pain and hurt (intentional or not) has been flung. I don’t want to think the damage is irreparable but change is happening within me and I have to wonder what I hate about myself so much that I would even entertain the thought of putting myself in harm’s way in any capacity…again.

Physically, we are hearing rumors and stories and frankly, I know too much for him to be my ex who has moved on to his new life. I no longer ask about him…..Artsy Craftsy will not tell me anything if I were to ask, and all I have heard from her is….physically he has changed a lot and I would no longer be attracted to him. No, what we have heard has come from him (who or where else would we get it?) and we know where he lives, where and when he is going on vacation, that marriage isn’t what he thought it would be, he has yet to put up a wedding picture (and the one we have seen has us wondering if any of that 100k went towards pictures and photos), he is back coming into the office at 6am (and despite the only folks in the office  at that hour are in his department and he has lost all this weight and looks/feels so great….he is paging people to come to him….not significant, we just think that is lazier than hell) and the list goes on and on. He leaks it to my friends who tell me….and it is no longer  a report or an update…he has been reduced to workplace gossip and even though I am  dead set on moving on even further , the smartest move I could make right now would be to  tell my Panel members that I no longer wish to hear the gossip, and they would both understand and respect my wishes. But him knows me, and I give him credit…he knows me better than I thought he did. When I worked at the Island, he would sometimes comment that the office was a hen party and I was the Head Hen. I am always the one on top of everything gossip and he knows that I am nosy as hell…..he will leak it to the right people, and it comes to me because I am too nosy to say I don’t want to hear it. So, now I am wondering why is it necessary for him to make sure I hear these things. Of course, despite my expectation that all is not well, my first instinct is to reach out to him and at this point, the only ones against such a move are Morning Person, Buddy, Quiet One, Guardian Princess and Girlfriend. Oscar says the man is reaching out and Cuz agrees. Cuz has even gone so far to say it is time I stop ignoring Him and to respond to the man. Cuz says him is scared and stupid and needs not only my help but the help of the Panel….according to Cuz, we are the only ones strong enough and tough enough to stand up to Him’s demons and the wrath of the BTH. Cuz thinks the man has good days, bad weeks and is en route on his trip to hell and back on a half a tank of gas but we are not the Justice League or SuperFriends and my Wonder Woman cape is in the cleaners…indefinitely. I realize I sound mean and bitchy, but I am recovering from emotional trauma at his hands and for real….at the end of the day, I will be the bitch in this. May as well be the mean bitch versus the dumb bitch.

I still waffle between utter hatred and contempt for him and loving him so much my heart aches.  Perhaps I am not mourning the relationship per se,  but the loss of how I held the expectation that I was supposed to be the one to reap the happily ever after where he is concerned. After all, I am the one who saw his worth (and no, it wasn’t financial) and I was the one who for years would be alone in a room with him and I was the one who cared for him when he was sick and held him when he felt alone and lost. I have not forgiven him and wish him all kinds of misery but no hurt and no death. A small comfort but to me it is the biggest step and the closest I can come to forgiveness…don’t die and don’t suffer but be miserable for the rest of your days. I just cannot wish him happiness when I have none for myself and who knows when I will heal over enough to let it in again?

Believe it or not, I am trying to change my way of not only thinking but of interpreting what I do hear…..today, he is no longer in need of my help….he is telling these things to let me know how happy he is. He made choices that I think he should have thought through a little bit longer and did things that, if our roles were reversed, he would not appreciate at all….but that is looking back. The past cannot be changed or undone and the future is shrouded in mystery…what we all have is the present and I am trying to make mine as positive as possible. I am having lunch dates here and there, I went to a summer concert in the park, I am going to a live baseball game (my first ever!!)  and just trying to remember that the here and now is what counts. Yes, I am still holding onto expectations (and some still involve him, but more for me) ….that I will  heal enough to both find and fall in love again…with a man who will get me and understand me and accept me…who will easily express to me what he feels, who will be truthful versus hurtful, who is appreciative and wants to be appreciated in return  and who will know what he has in me and that he is deserving of all I offer. Until that day, I am a single woman in a big city who just may be finally coming to accept that what she had with a man she still feels is her soul mate…is really and truly gone.

Shot to Hell

This post was supposed to be about releasing anger and resentments. I called up Panel members all excited and nervous because I was going to try to tackle an issue that is so ingrained in me, it is simply a part of my makeup at this point in time. But I decided against it….no way I can talk about what I have never experienced and textbook lessons are so trite. It is all easier said than done and seriously, if I am still holding grudges over an 8 year old seafood salad and openly, proudly and loudly admitting that I have not and shall not ever forgive Him for what he has done to me….I cannot tell anyone how to release negative feelings. We will have to learn together….and no need in trying to teach me…Morning Person has been trying for years to no avail.

So while going about my daily routine waiting for inspiration to strike (Meredith Grey is coming), the day itself turned into some sort of Drama Central Casting Call…..talks that never happened, passive/aggressive confrontations, tears that never came, WTF moments….and for once, it wasn’t me, Cuz, Buddy or Oscar. This day that was shot all to hell belongs to Girlfriend and while it is sad that it has come to this, it seems to have earned her her very first solo blog post.

First, I know I say all these wonderful things about Girlfriend all the time….and I mean every word I write/say. She is a great person and I have known her 7 years now…wow, that’s a long time, yet it feels both as if we just met yesterday and as if we have been friends forever. We were friends from the start…she has a bubbly, cute personality and a smile that lights up a room. She is caring, empathetic, sympathetic and understanding. Since  I have known her, she has had her share of relationships and with few exceptions, they have always ended in ways that are less than ideal. One good thing about Girlfriend though is that she will not recycle a relationship…..there is a reason it ended the first time and she has no desire to repeat the cycle as the only one who has changed is her….and her change is to protect herself, which is what made this situation with The Ex so surreal…she actually broke her golden rule for this guy. This is the first time that has happened…she has another ex who still has  a piece of her heart and she has yet to recycle him…I think she was seriously considering it at one point with this other ex, and had even set up not one, but two dinners where they would both lay their cards on the table, but she gave up. The first dinner was at Chipolte and she had to pay for her own meal and the second dinner…he asked her was it going take longer than an hour as he had made other plans. He still calls and still pleads, but she has turned a deaf ear on that idiot.

So she breaks her golden rule for The Ex….no talk, no repercussions. Another awesome trait of Girlfriend…she will not try to change you. Change comes from within, not externally and she is smart enough to know that she cannot change a person. So when The Ex came back off the break with denial and delusion, and Girlfriend says that is who he is….she is not looking for anything long term, serious or permanent with him and if he chooses to have a different recollection of their demise the first time around, so be it. For those of you who may not be familiar with the story, here is a quick recap:

Girlfriend met this guy maybe a year ago now….he was looking for someone who would be okay with a monogamous sexual relationship with no commitments. However, like all in-bedroom relationships, it turned into more than just sex and soon, they were out of the bedroom dating, dining, dancing and having a wonderful time together. Until he just up and left her for a Barely Legal chick with a kid….all the things he did not want in a woman, he not only left her for but got engaged to the Barely Legal chick and Girlfriend found out via Facebook, of all places. The Ex had the nerve to FB her and ask her for her congratulations! Girlfriend moved on, hooked up with Little Marine who turned out to be an idiot and before she could catch her breath good, The Ex was back. Apparently, paradise was not all it was cracked up to be and whatever happened with Barely Legal, it ended so badly restraining orders were put in place. The Ex came back, stating he forgives Girlfriend for walking out on them (I am still trying to figure out what he is obviously smoking)  and in spite of her golden rule, Girlfriend took him back. It was supposed to be casual and fun….but  it quickly turned exclusive and The Ex started sending mixed signals again…. and once again, ended up catting around on Girlfriend —he took the new chick over to Girlfriend’s BFF’s house of all places (he and the BFF’s husband are friends) ….Girlfriend was not sure HOW to feel. All she knew was it didn’t take long at all for him to reveal his true colors and she decided to confront him.

Okay, so here is the part we all get caught up…..Girlfriend and The Ex decided to meet again at the BFF’s house to have their talk. They were both invited to the BFF’s birthday party and The Ex asked Girlfriend what time he could expect her to show up. Girlfriend was thinking she would go home after work, and get pretty so she told him between 7:30-8pm.  However, Girlfriend decided to just head over right after work…she and The Ex could talk before it got crowded and maybe they could salvage something from this. At the very least, she would get an apology…explanations were out of the question and she knew this. So Girlfriend shows up and is all happy happy with the BFF when The Ex shows up….with THE OTHER WOMAN. He takes one look at Girlfriend and tells her (as if it is all her fault): you aren’t supposed to be here yet. You’re early. Girlfriend was speechless and hurt beyond belief. The man was deliberately disrespecting her, yet it was HER fault?  The Other Woman is ghetto ( seriously, if Girlfriend calls you ghetto…there IS a problem) and obviously had no clue what the hell was going on. Girlfriend ended up feeling sorry for the chick as The Ex stashed her in a chair somewhere and spent the evening trailing behind Girlfriend like a lost puppy. The situation sounds utterly and ridiculously surreal to me…. Girlfriend just trying to hold it together (and that was classy…no sense breaking down or going ghetto in front of complete strangers and at her BFF’s birthday party) while that cheating bag of scum is following her around as if they really were a couple while the Other Woman is stuck in social Siberia, eating alone and watching her date fawn all over another woman. Picture time came and went and The Ex was trying to get into every shot with Girlfriend but by this time, Girlfriend knew there was no need in talking to him about anything as she already knew where the hell she stood. And do you know the man had the nerve to text her the next morning as if nothing happened?

Girlfriend called me as soon as she left the party and was in her car….she was in shock, disbelief and she wanted to cry so badly….but no tears would come. I made her repeat herself a dozen times because I just cannot see any man Girlfriend found special enough to recycle being so stupid a second time….and so quickly. I was thinking maybe somewhere along the line, she had misunderstood him or something…WHO comes to meet their person for a talk with another woman? Seriously?? But Girlfriend had proof…she could forward the texts and emails to show me that he knew exactly what he was doing….and here I have to give the dude some benefit of the doubt. Of course, it makes him a player versus a disrespectful bitch but perhaps the plan was to spend part of the celebration with the Other Woman and the other part with Girlfriend…that would explain his first statement to her. You know, I am not a martyr or a masochist by any means, but I would take Girlfriend’s hurt and pain for her if I could. She is so sweet and wonderful and she has been hit time after time after time in such a short period. She keeps saying she is okay and fine, but I wonder and worry about my friend. She did get away for a few days with some friends and I hope she laughed, got drunk and had random sex with someone who made her eyes roll up in her head.

Well, once again we are all caught up with the latest drama; I hope I did Girlfriend some justice and she won’t be calling me up asking what is this crappy ass post. Now,  I am preparing the next blog post….I call it Great Expectations. Look for it really soon!

…..And Then There Were Three

Some things I have learned  through this process and my life experiences:  unconditional love is in spite of and not limited to an intimate partner. I have learned that family is not always blood related and no one chooses drama…it chooses us, if you are a female. Men put themselves in drama filled situations constantly (Policeman, Buddy and Cuz come to mind first…..Him and Married Man come to mind next), but women…we try to avoid drama like the plague. My girls…I love them to pieces….even Mini-me….and I have also learned that while I may be a drama magnet, I am not alone. Today I will give you updates on two of the Ladies of the Panel who are dealing with yet more drama and me, whose gut instinct is in overdrive about something…which I am willing to bet cash money is not anything good.

Before I go there, rest assured the majority of the ladies are completely fine: Artsy Craftsy, while overworked, has no drama or issues rearing their heads; New Mommy is a little sleep deprived but enjoying her new role in life. Quiet One is being…quiet; Guardian Princess is planning not one, but TWO vacations for the summer…Puerto Rico and a cruise to Alaska; Mini-Me and Busy Bee are both fine and well, and Morning Person…she says her only issues are our issues. She wants to know is it our perfume, our mouthwash or maybe where we hang out….whatever it is, stop doing whatever it is we do. Bell Pepper is dealing with her issues, which is a story within itself but she is holding her own. The rest of us ladies need help, and I will start with me since mine (for once) seems to be the least drama-filled.

Me: Okay, so we all know I am chatting and have indulged in a one night stand and a couple of pampering sessions, most recently at the Willard Hotel with a businessman from Chicago who gave me a full body massage (feet included) after ordering room service for me. It was a nice time with a nice guy in a luxury hotel I will probably never see the inside of again. (It’s gorgeous!!)  My pain is on the decline and work is disgustingly stressful which is par for the course. I am still a little lazy and lethargic at home, but I have it being a combination of the heat, stress and the pain (it has declined, not disappeared)….I find spending the weekend resting and relaxing rejuvenates me for the week ahead. The problem has been for the last week, I have been missing Him more than ever….I feel as if he just left me, that is how badly I am missing the man. And today, I woke up with the dread in my heart and the stones in the pit of my tummy. I do not know where it is coming from or what triggered it, but this is the feeling I had when I figured out the BTH situation was way more serious than he was letting on; this is the feeling I had when I knew he was going to marry her, before he even said a word. This is the feeling that heralds devastating drama and why is it back?

 It COULD be the IRS situation, but I made numerous attempts to call them (of course, completely automated  and when I was connected to a call center, on hold for almost an hour with no one picking up) AND I sent in the paperwork which should be postmarked no later than the due date. Besides, financial issues do not faze me the way they used to…I owe everyone else, why not them? I have no personal life, my job is secure for the moment (I got me working extra hard this week to make sure it stays secure) and I just have the feeling Him is involved in some way. Morning Person says it is the fibroid tumors…period. She flatly refuses to entertain the idea of Him being involved in my life any longer….she went OFF when I suggested he may be planning a comeback. She says to STOP saying that, and I will admit, in the beginning I was hoping against hope he would; now, after being completely and utterly rejected by this man, I have no idea what I want from or for him other than to see him in abject misery (not hurt, just miserable) and telling me how right I was. After that, it is all up in the air. Yes, I miss him and there are days I still want him, but for now, he can stay where he is. Seriously. I say he may be planning a return not out of wishful thinking or  unrealistic dreams, but because comebacks and reconciliations are not only our history, it is my history with damn near every man I have been with, and a man with whom I shared a meaningful connection and/or good sex? It is a given. Married Man, local one night stands, even Nebraska is coming to town next month and wants to try again. So it is not me in denial…it is a fact, which Morning Person herself has been witness to damn near each and every time, yet she asks me to help her understand.  The woman who has said herself  that this time around, Him will  truly miss me more than ever before is in need of understanding. I love it…finally, a conundrum not even she can crack, although she has said that with me missing the man so much lately, it may be some residual pain manifesting itself. I don’t know what to think…. I could finally be at the last stage of grief (acceptance); all I know is I am not sure what is causing the gut instinct to go into overdrive ( it has gotten stronger as the day progresses) , but will  just wait to see what happens next.

Girlfriend: If I were to ever write a post entitled Why You Should Date My Friends, Girlfriend’s entry would read something like this: smart, educated, gorgeous, sexy, active, employed professional, laid back, sparkling personality, versatile ( goes from hockey game to opera in less than 2 hours), great hair and the one thing that would make her every man’s number one choice? She’s bi-lingual so she can talk dirty to you in Spanish. Seriously, with all those great things going for her, she should be the last one amongst us to have any type of drama. You would think the guy she chose to spend her time with and give her heart to would recognize the treasure that is Girlfriend and treat her accordingly. Newsflash: not only nice guys finish last…nice girls do too and we get thrown under a moving bus in the process. Every man she put herself out there with has hurt her and every guy she really liked and something special could come of it has come and gone so quickly, I have you blinking your eyes slower. Little Marine proved himself to be Prince Cheating and while Girlfriend was licking her wounds, The Ex made his way back onto the scene….and it has been Mixed Signals Central ever since. He says SHE left HIM but he forgives her; he doesn’t want children just yet, but if Girlfriend were to give him one, that would give their relationship an unbreakable bond. He says he wants a committed relationship with Girlfriend, and when she asks The Ex if he is serious, he just laughs it off. Despite her misgivings and second guessing her decision to allow him back, Girlfriend embarked on the ride a second time. Again… no commitments, a lot of fun and outings, dates, calls, texts…it seemed to be going as smoothly as it could until she got a call from one of her BFFs. Girlfriend and The Ex had been over to the BFF’s house the night before to watch the game with BFF and her husband (who, if I understand correctly, is a friend of The Ex). It was a good time…cuddling, laughing, and just enjoying a Couples’ Night. However, the very next night, The Ex shows up at the BFF’s house with ANOTHER WOMAN. BFF could not get to the phone fast enough to tell the news and Girlfriend is not sure what to feel or how to feel. She is hurt and wondering if she can even be angry. Granted, it was no strings, BUT they both said they weren’t seeing other people. I say she can be pissed at the fact he is flaunting his other women within her circle of friends. Seriously, you have NO other place to take a date other than the same place you just took another woman? A place where her BFF lives and is sure to pass on the news? The man is either stupid, cowardly or both. One thing Girlfriend  isn’t, is surprised. We are not sure if The Ex is still in the picture, or if she has confronted him….her thought was to just walk out without a word or explanation…just like he did her. So, this is still a developing story and as soon as we hear new news, you will too.

Oscar: I have been saying that Oscar is an isolationist who ventures into CrazyLand, but  if I were to hold a contest asking people to vote for their favorite Panel member, Oscar would win hands down in my book. I talk about Buddy’s resourcefulness, but Oscar has an inner strength unlike any I have ever seen. She has been through a helluva lot lately…..one of the incidents had her so traumatized, she would only discuss it with me. I was allowed to confide in Morning Person, Artsy Craftsy and New Mommy about it, but she does not want it publicized and we have respected her wishes. Then Him, Jr. started acting all off the wall and stranger than usual and began verbally abusing her and berating for no reason at all. He would text her just to call her a “fucking piece of waste” and telling her what a terrible mother she was because she did not throw Baby Oscar some huge block party for his birthday. Oscar had a small party at home with a Toy Story 3 cake, ice cream and presents…only his mother, uncle and grandparents were there and the child had a great time. Of course, Him, Jr. is STILL the better parent even though he had less than that for his separate party for the child (he did not even have a present!) , and he cursed Oscar out when she brought the baby over 15 minutes early for a partial day visitation.

Now here is where it gets weird…..soon after Oscar gets home, HJ’s number pops up on her phone. She answers, and it is her son on the other end, calling her all kinds of bitches and just downright disrespectful names….being coached  and encouraged by his father in the background. Oscar was LIVID…and she and her parents went right over there to collect the baby. They all expected HJ to not go down without a fight, but what they did not expect was the child to come out of his house swinging a lead pipe at Oscar and her mom, telling them to get the fuck off his property before he smashed skulls…and he was NOT playing. Oscar was scared to death and kept screaming for her son, and the baby was on the front porch seeing all of this, crying for his mother and grandmother and telling his Daddy to stop it. Somebody had the presence of mind to call the police and once that happened, HJ picked up his son and carried the child back in the house ignoring Oscar who was banging on the door for him to return her child. The police came, the child as returned and Oscar promptly filed a Restraining Order against Him, Jr.

She didn’t want to but it is time…the man has no respect for her as anything and is teaching their child to disrespect her also.  Every time she takes him to court for more child support, he brings in some lame ass paycheck which always allows him the option of DECREASING his support payments (seriously, $21/week is all he pays)  and now he is using deadly weapons against her and her family and it is time for the madness to end. Personally I have never heard of anyone using a lead pipe, but Cuz says that’s how they roll up there. So the restraining order is good for 3 years with 6 month reviews and he is only allowed to contact her concerning the baby. However, in court, he is looking at her and asking her: three years? I can’t see you or talk to you for three years? He’s yelling for Oscar’s dad to call him and when leaving court he actually tried to break free of the guards preventing him from riding the same elevator as her.

So Oscar is not crazy or an isolationist….she is mourning the death of her first love, her first relationship and coming to grips with the fact that maybe it really wasn’t all wine and roses.  She did the right thing in putting to a halt something that was toxic, restricting and slowly killing her inside….trying to reconcile who HJ used to be to what he has become was driving her crazy and now…it’s over and the hard part begins. . It is all a jumble to her and it is a chore to even open her eyes in the morning. She cannot verbalize what she feels and she cannot write it out….it releases itself in her tears and her silences. We will give her all the time she needs to heal and are here when she’s ready.

Okay, so now we are all caught up and updated. I will be back before the week is up with a new post. Stay cool and stay tuned!  

 

 

What I Like About You

I get feedback from readers, and surprisingly most recently, from male readers. Overall, the feedback is good….they enjoy my writing style, they like the stories/drama and more than most can relate to the heartbreak, the unanswered questions and the overall crappiness of the situation which birthed this blog. However, I do get some constructive criticisms: I tend to ramble on, I should write the posts as fiction to protect others in the posts and one guy said I do not put enough of me into the posts and it is filled with people he does not know and whose opinions he does not care about.

I admit, I do write short stories as opposed to typical bog blurbs ( I don’t blog, I book), but this is why it is MY blog….I personally hate coming into the middle of a story so I try to give as much back story as possible so you aren’t just plopped into the middle of the soap opera with no idea of which plot line we are following on any given day. I cannot/will not  fictionalize it….after all that has happened and transpired, it is too strange, weird and freaky to be anything but the truth and there is no way I can write it in the third person….it is too personal and I am too close to all of it. I can, as Bambi suggested, read it as an outsider but no way can I write it as an outsider.  As for not enough of me in the posts….hell, I think I have exposed way too much of myself for this to be a semi-anonymous blog…. and everyone other than me is protected. The only ones who know who the other characters are in this blog are Panel members and none of their  deeply personal drama/business is put out there without their consent. And let me state right here, him is very much aware of this blog. If you think he isn’t….I have some coffee for you to smell and a bridge to sell you. I told him about the blog myself and sent him excerpts…..and him said even when telling the world how much I hate him, I still write beautifully.

One thing I have learned is that you can tell a lot about a person by the company they keep….hence all the people you don’t know and their opinions. I need my Panel….they are my friends and the ones who keep me sane and validated; they are the ones who are there when the men leave and the job gets on my nerves and the world is just mean and cold. I love them all (even the crazy ones smoking the authentic batshit; Chef, you are NOT alone) and more importantly, I LIKE them. I enjoy sharing meals, laughter, jokes, conversations and time with them and today, I will tell you why.

Buddy: I like so many things about Buddy….his humor, his story-telling style, his insight…..the list goes on, but what strikes me first and foremost about Buddy is his resourcefulness. I mean it…life knocks him down and around all the time, but he weebles, wobbles and occasionally falls down but is back up so quickly, you wonder if he even moved. You can leave this guy butt naked in the desert for two weeks and when you come back for him  he will have at least one camel, two gallons of water and clothes so sharp, you will cut your finger when you touch him. I have no idea how he does it, but he really needs to share the secret of how one bounces back and emerges better than before.

New Mommy: She is sweet, compassionate and understanding but what I really like about New Mommy is how she always make you feel so special. Once when we had gone forever without communication, out of the blue, she called me. I answered the phone just fussing and telling her she no longer loved me and had other friends she liked better…and her response? “I had some free time and out of all the people I could have called, I wanted to talk to you, because I have missed you.” What can you say to that?  I know the woman is dealing with KBugg and the constant changes that come with a family addition and when she gets a moment to breathe, whoever she chooses to share her precious free time with will feel like the only person in the world.

Artsy Craftsy: This chick can go days and days with no contact (hey, Panel members do have lives) and when you do talk to her….she picks up exactly where you left off. She doesn’t forget a thing and there is no need to catch her up…she catches on and keeps it real doing so. I have been missing him sooooo much lately, and I had even picked up the phone to call him to tell him I missed him….but dialed Artsy Craftsy instead. When I told her what was going on, she cut straight to the heart of the matter: I was told to come back to reality and get on with the moving on; the man devastated me, disrespected me and played me. If I stopped hating him for doing those things, I would be back at Square 1 and the Panel would be hating me. She told me to play the tape all the way back and call her when I came to my senses again. AND she said all this while also catching me up with what has been going on in her world. Gotta like that about  her.

Chef: Yeah, he is crazy and stuck and a ton of things we wish he weren’t, but one thing I like about Chef is his ability to offer acceptable alternatives, especially when it comes to expressing myself verbally. I tend to be blunt and ghetto and can come across as harsh, both personally and professionally, but Chef helps me smooth out the rough edges with politically correct offerings to what the hell can come out of my mouth. He says I am a classy, intelligent LADY who has a better command over the English vocabulary other than four letter words and street slang, and he will see me utilize it if it kills him.

Cuz: Before I proceed with what I like about Cuz, you all need to know that Cuz and I are arguing and have ended our friendship. He ended up fucking over Bell Pepper, ignoring and avoiding me (and the entire Panel) and when I called him out on his shitty stunts, he wants to get all defensive, lie to me AND try to play the sympathy card. See, I can handle it if you just admit you fucked up; I can deal with it if you are so confused you don’t know why you do the things you do and I can even deal with you being afraid of facing the consequences of your actions. Hell, I can deal with stupidity and craziness but what I WILL NOT deal with is a person playing with my intelligence. I know too many of your stories and excuses to fall for them myself….and I told him this in no uncertain terms….there was a lot of fuck yous on his end and a suck my dick on my end….and we are no longer speaking. I wanted to de-friend him on FB and take him off the Panel, but Morning Person has overridden that motion, along with, of all people, Bell Pepper. So while there is nothing I like about Cuz at the moment (I am still really angry), he does have  a way of delivering the truth in a dead pan manner that would always have me laughing.

Morning Person: Her standout trait that I both like and admire is the woman is fair to a fault. She does not take sides: right is right and wrong is wrong. She will listen to both sides and rules with reason, not emotions. There is never a bias with her and that is rare to find. She is my friend, not my flunky and has no issues telling me when I am in the wrong or reigning me in when things get out of control or blown out of proportion. She did it with Married Man, Him and now Cuz and I have her doing it with all future relationships and friendships.

Quiet One: What I like about Quiet One is her balance…..yes, she can get thrown for a loop every now and then, but it does not take her long to regain her equilibrium. She takes nearly everything calmly and in stride and her motto is not one day at a time…it’s one thing at a time. She does not believe in starting anything until the last thing has been put to rest…so while she wants me to move on, she doesn’t think it is time yet to move into anything. Let’s get fully past the last disaster before venturing into another one.

Policeman: He is unflappable. Unlike Quiet One who will weird out and get off kilter at times, I have never, ever seen Policeman go off course. He is always the same…no complaining, no negativity. Even when I fuss and cuss at him, all he says is: woman, WHAT is your problem? If I told the man I was pregnant with polka dotted blue octopi, he wouldn’t even blink. Policeman takes acceptance to a whole new level.

Girlfriend: What I like about Girlfriend? Aside from everything, I would have to say what stands out most about her is her ability to stay in the present. She has an unwavering faith/belief that no matter how wonderful or awful a situation is, what is meant to be is meant to be and you can only deal with the here and now. No need in looking behind re-hashing what happened or why, and no need looking ahead as no one knows the future. When I start going all over the map, she grounds me.

Oscar: Oscar is slowly edging her way onto my inconsistent list….she comes back from CrazyLand only to become an isolationist. Great. THIS irks me because what I like about Oscar is her understanding. She lets me be me and I have come to depend on that. I can talk to her about anything and express exactly what I feel, no matter how fucked up it is or how convoluted it sounds and she gets it…. first time, every time. Whether it is him, the job, people irking my nerves…I can talk to her and she gets it and she never offers advice unless you ask her for it.

Guardian Angel: This is going to be short and simple….her generosity. It knows no bounds and it extends beyond the obvious….she looks out for me when I am broke, hungry, in need of new clothes, a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. She gives from her heart and all she asks is that I  pay it forward and try to return the kindness to someone else in need.

Busy Bee: What stands out about this chick aside from her emotional strength, is her energy. The woman is a mini tornado and just listening to her talk about a typical day for her leaves me exhausted, and the thing about her is…she will make room /time in her schedule for you if you need her. I keep suggesting she take a break, a rest…something, but I think if she slowed down, she just wouldn’t be Busy Bee.

Bell Pepper: The girl is quirky, irky, fucked up and she freely admits to all of it. I like her lots but the one thing that I really like about her is that she is a very caring, compassionate person. She cares and worries about friends, acquaintances, family, co-workers, the homeless, strangers….she just cares about people and wants to help better lives and feels helpless when she can’t. She tends to go overboard with it (especially for the wrong folks), but how can you fault someone for wanting people to be happy and have better lives?

Weekend Phone Guy: I like the fact this dude is so laid back…he goes with the flow no matter how I approach him. I could be all excited over the latest drama, melancholy because I miss and want him, angry over work, perusing Craigslist or just in the mood for random chat, and he is right there with me. His words every time we talk are: where are we tonight and where are we going with it?  No judgments, no deep sighs or here we go agains…just a ready ear, objective opinions and sound advice.

Tiger: He is the newest Independent Consultant….I found the man on CL of all places, when I placed an ad for a chat partner. HE was the one who helped me figure out what the hell the IRS wanted and he listens to me and my complaints without a peep or a fuss. He offers good advice based on my best interests, not what I want to hear or what I hope will be. He deals with the facts, my history and offers his suggestions based on that….I knew he would be perfect for the Panel…he needs one as much as any of us does, and like every other member of the Panel…tells me the truth as they see it, not as I want it to be. And what I like about him? He is a GREAT listener.   

Me: I did not want to do me….but I am a member of the Panel AND if you can’t find one thing you like about yourself….what does that say about you? So, out of the gazillion great things about me, the one thing I will choose to single out is my open-mindedness. You cannot have a group of friends as diverse and as screwy (in the best way possible) as this and not be open-minded. Not to mention when you are single and looking to date in this area, being close minded will keep you alone and dateless on many a day and night. I look beyond the surface and see the personality; it requires overlooking faults and flaws, but others do it with me….the least I can do is return the favor.

Mini-Me: It is not a surprise or accident I put her last. This is without a doubt the weirdest friendship in the history of friendships and I am being completely honest when I say I cannot even put into words how I feel about her. But I can say the one thing I like about her is her street knowledge. This chick knows the ins, outs  and loopholes of so many government agencies and programs, I wonder why she even bothers with a regular job. Whenever the assignments run out, and I am back to Square Zero, she is my first call….not temp agencies, not mama, not Morning Person. I am calling Mini-Me, laying it out on the table, and taking notes.

 So, there you have it….what I like about each of my friends. Of course, I like so many other things about them: their humor, their support, their kindnesses, their acceptance….and the list goes on. I will be back super soon with an update on the Ladies of the Panel…I know, I know…3 Panel posts in a row….but there are updates and dramas brewing and this blog is not just about me and/or him…it is about my friends also. So I will return with that and we’ll see what pops up after we all get caught up…again.

 

Memo from the Panel

Date: Today

From:  The Desk of the Panel of Experts

To: All Standing Panel Members, Independent Consultants, Outside Contractors and Outside Observers

Re: Issues of Importance and Interest

Fellow members, it has come to our attention that there are at least four issues that are in need of addressing and/or watching. We realize that not everyone is aware of all that has transpired recently, so we are hopeful that this memo will serve as the vehicle to bring us all up to speed. We will begin by addressing the issue of importance: a potential Panel romance between existing members.

The members in question are Bell Pepper and Cuz and it took less than a week. It appears that Bell Pepper has decided to once and for all (again) to end it with User Dude and was not taking her decision very well. She decided to drown her sorrows one weekend, and hit a happy hour where she proceeded to do a grown folks move and imbibe too much alcohol too quickly, which only clouded her judgments and had her second guessing her every move. She chose to stay in the city and made her way (with liquor) to DC’s apartment. She was hungry but had no taste or appetite for anything…all she knew was it had to be sustenance so she could imbibe more alcohol. It was at this time Cuz called to shoot the breeze and when asked what was going on, DC informed him that Bell Pepper was over, alternating between raiding her cabinets and laying in her bed. Cuz asked to speak  to Bell Pepper and soon afterwards, dinner out was suggested. They could all use a night out away from four walls and television and DC offered to drive for two reasons: Bell Pepper was still slightly impaired and DC knew her way around the city and Bell Pepper didn’t.

Apparently, the drive to pick up Cuz was an adventure in itself and on the way to the restaurant, Cuz and Bell Pepper struck up all kinds of conversations which carried over at dinner. Bell Pepper found Cuz to be a perfect gentleman, smart/intelligent and funny. The two exchanged numbers which is not uncommon for Panel members to do…we all need to be able to get in touch with each other. The fact that they talked 2-3 times a day in the week following IS unusual; the questions Bell Pepper was asking and plans she was making, while typical of her given her issues, was a red flag to both DC and Morning Person. Bell Pepper was talking long term plans and commitment and Cuz was conveying to all who asked that he was open to whatever developed. A one on one date was planned the following weekend and the day of the date, Cuz had fallen off the face of the earth. Bell Pepper was running late running errands and when she called to set the time back, she got no answer. She asked DC to contact Cuz…but again, no answer. Bell Pepper was torn between anger and worry, DC was just angry and Morning Person was not surprised.

This is an issue of importance because first, it is in direct violation of the standing rule of no sex or intimacy between Panel members and secondly, given their respective issues even a happy ending is doubtful here, although DC thinks that if a romance did blossom, at least we would have both sides of the story when it did blow sky-high. Artsy Craftsy sees nothing wrong with it as we are here to monitor and offer advice before things get to crisis mode.  Chef and Morning Person say the rules are in place for a reason and now the matter is further complicated by the fact that neither Bell Pepper nor Cuz have been in contact with anyone since the day AFTER the date that never was. This issue is now under advisement of a hastily formed Executive Board, comprised of Morning Person, Artsy Craftsy, New Mommy, Chef and DC…. .these members were chosen simply because they are the members familiar with the issue, and not for any other reason. Any decision reached by the Board will still need to be voted upon by the Panel, excluding Bell Pepper and Cuz.

The remaining issues are of interest and bear watching for further developments: Girlfriend is recycling her relationship with the Ex…..if you remember, Girlfriend was a developing story when she and Little Marine broke it off…and this is what has developed. She says she knows what she is doing, and will no longer fall for the okie doke but damnit, good sex and eye candy are important factors to enjoying being single, and the Ex does offer that if nothing else. We will keep an eye on that situation and be there for her should she need us. Oscar is back from the Land of Crazy and we are so extremely proud of her….she  has finally gotten a restraining order again Him, Jr. All we can say is: ABOUT TIME! The man-child has completely gone off the deep end and has crossed too many lines this time. Oh, did we mention he violated the order within minutes of having it served on him?

The final issue of interest may or may not bear watching…Him has been letting stories of his less than 2 month old marriage leak out. Preliminary reports are not good and do not bode well for a long and happy union. No, we have not initiated investigations nor has contact been made with the man; DC has not even asked for a report or status update. Communication between the two parties (DC and Him) have been suspended for over two months and  the suspension will continue indefinitely. Thanks to everyone’s hard work and support and distracting chat, we have been able to move a little further and the best sign of progress came when DC debated whether or not to contact him to offer friendship, support/advice and knowing her…a way out. She thought long and hard and sought advice, and it is now the unanimous decision of the Panel to do nothing unless/until we  first verify all existing information and if we hear further information that suggests imminent danger and/or foul play may be afoot, then we may consider sending a communication. We do not have it being that serious so until verification is complete and further information is received, this issue is closed.

*Breaking News*: Bell Pepper has been heard from…she has spent the day getting over Cuz’s rejection with User Dude, which has created an entirely new set of problems. Also, we have learned that Cuz has contacted Bell Pepper….48 hours after the day of the date: he contacted her via text message and from a new/different/strange telephone number. He offered a weak explanation, no apology and has not contacted any other members at this time. Again, this issue is under advisement and no action has been taken at this time.

Hopefully everyone is now up to date and we will keep you all updated on these issues and any new ones that will surely arise.

Sincerely,

The Panel of Experts

Loving You, Losing Me

Finally, I have returned with the blog post I promised how many days (or is it weeks by now)  ago? Cut me some slack, though….the IRS says I owe them some money ($2200!) and we all know the IRS is ALWAYS right, but my question is where will I find the money?? Even if put on a payment plan, I still have to come with something.  AND I am working with a defective computer. My F5 key, End key, an arrow key and my space bar key have all fallen off my laptop keyboard. Seriously, there was NO space bar key and I was touching bare sensors. AND I was STILL trying to use it!! Well, I had to…what choice did I have? I cannot afford a new computer and I have me not stopping anything computer related anytime soon. I did have to get a new keyboard though…it has all the keys and while it has some bumpy moments, it beats bare sensors.

I am going to come clean, I am a little nervous about writing and posting this entry. This is one of my self-help posts and if I were the only self reading it, that would be fine. However,  I know that there are others besides myself and select Panel members who read this blog and I am mindful of a saying in the rooms of recovery: you may be the only meeting a person attends…..which means your shit needs to be in order and correct before stepping out there. So, I will state right now that I am not a therapist, and all I state here is based on my own experiences and opinions.

Loving you, losing me. For me, when I hear that phrase my first thought is of something wonderful and unheard of outside of the movies. Loving you, losing me to become one person….filled with love, happiness and all sorts of healthy emotions sure to evoke a happily ever after. Losing yourself in the sex, the passion and the heat only to emerge with both of you more deeply in love than ever before. Whatever. Losing yourself in a person is the worst and most unhealthy thing one can do….and I can think of at least three ways I have done so.

Hiding Who You Are: We all have hidden pieces of ourselves, and for our own reasons. I did so because I did not like myself. As a child/teenager, I wanted to be blonde haired, blue eyed and to live in the projects. Being who I was: tall, gangly with glasses and braces made me a target. Living in a two parent household made me just different enough, bringing lunch from home when everyone else was getting the free, hot lunch made me feel as if I were missing out on something. Of course, I realize now I had a damned decent upbringing and the slights, insults and fights I endured were a result of children unable to express their own insecurities and just maybe, I was living the life others wanted to. Who knows? It was decades ago and all involved are now grown men and women dealing with life on life’s terms, just like me. When I was in active addiction, I hid the fact I was using/abusing drugs from clients. There was a look, a smell…a stigma associated with being a crack addict and I thought if I hid the fact I was one of them, I wouldn’t be one. Even in addiction, I had relationships, and I hid who I was in all three of them. Even though I met all the guys while tricking, I was anything but a crack addict. With one guy, I was a single mom trying to earn a living; I said job opportunities were hard to come by for a single mom with limited skills. Another guy thought I was a physically abused wife who was fleeing her husband (I WAS running from the Physically Abusive Guy, but I had already crossed two state lines to put distance between us) and the third guy thought I was taking care of an ill and elderly aunt. The sad part is all three of the guys really liked me, and I liked two of them more than they knew….and sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had been honest with them. Maybe I could have gotten the help I needed sooner and just maybe, my life would have been completely different. But that was then, and we all know the past is filled with could’ves, would’ves, should’ves.   Today, I finally do like myself: I can appreciate who I am and am comfortable with me and my choices. Today, I do not hide who I am but I have learned you cannot lay it all out on the table too quickly and some things…you cannot lay out at all. Today, I keep in mind something I was told in the middle of a get high session with a guy a long time ago: if you have to be ashamed of what you do, don’t do it.

Changing Who You Are (Or Allowing  Others To Do So): My biggest question throughout the Him fiasco has been: WHAT does the BTH have that I don’t? And that, dear friends, is the mother of all rhetorical questions because whatever she has and whatever she did to completely turn his head…..I am not doing because that is not who I am. From what I can see, in order to land the man I love(d), one needs to be a single mother of multiple children,  be classless/tasteless, wear an abundance of makeup and fake hair, , have insecurities and jealousies out the whazoo, have a hidden agenda and be a gold digger……and I am none of that. I am highly intelligent, classy, and attractive without the aid of cosmetics; I am honest and accommodating (to a fault and to my detriment), outspoken, funny and as much as I love money…with the right man I feel comfortable enough to share myself with freely, I do not want your money or material gifts. Well, sometimes I do, but it is not the cornerstone of our relationship. Honesty, trust and communication are; I would rather be home doing nothing with a man I love than out on the town at a 5 star restaurant with a man I don’t. In the beginning, when all I felt was hurt so painful not even denial could assuage it, I would say maybe if I did this, or what if I had been more like that I would still have him. And pray tell, what good would that have done? He would not be with me….he would be with what he THOUGHT I was, and a phony always reveals themselves sooner or later, which would have been a bigger fiasco. I allowed the Physically Abusive Guy to change me….he swore he loved me and I was perfect….but he controlled what I ate, and beat me stupid. In less than 3 months with this man, I dropped 3 dress sizes and he had me thinking I was sexy. So I am at least 65 pounds lighter which finally makes me HIS ideal, but at what cost? I was beaten and starved and stressed so horribly, my face looked like a death mask. I kept bruises and black eyes and could not sleep. I allowed him to change my attitude towards myself and towards others and even today, he has still altered my outlook towards men: I refuse to date or even talk to men who have dreadlocks as I perceive them all to be abusive and controlling. I try to work on that but my emotional and psychological blocks are firmly in place concerning that.  Today, there is no more changing or trying to live up to society’s ideal…I do not need to be the object of every man’s affection. I simply need to be happy and satisfied with me, and the right man for me will recognize I am his ideal without me having to change a thing.

Giving Someone Your All/Everything: I tend to go overboard with a man I care about….and when I love him, I am a complete fool. With Married Man, he got keys to my apartment, I bought him gifts constantly and I was faithful to him. Seriously….he would be at home with his wife, taking her on vacations and being so wonderful with her while I was sitting at home waiting patiently for him to come give me an hour or two a week. With Him, I loved him more than I knew and I gave him so much of myself even I cannot believe that there is someone outside of a Panel member that knows so much about me. My FAMILY does not even know as much about me as Him does, but I can say he reciprocated. Doubtful anyone alive knows as much about the man as I do…..even though I shared with the Panel, I did not share everything. And that is my mistake…..I give too much and look for so little in return, no relationship with me will ever be balanced. No one has had to exert too much effort with me because I am so accommodating, I make everything too easy. I tend to date men who already know me, so I do not have to play the coy game or wonder if I am revealing too much too fast. You already know my story, and I tend to think that simply because you know my history, you accept me. Not necessarily….there is a line between acceptance and taking advantage of and I am just now realizing that. Today, I can say without a doubt that Married Man took full blown advantage of my history and vulnerability. Hell, the man and I started a relationship while I was still in addiction and he was witness to all the turmoil being fresh in recovery brings with it; he baited me and used me and when I finally got wise to his game and bailed, he became all I needed him to be, but not for long. Remember, a phony has to reveal himself sooner or later and he was a lying coward who was using me to boost his own inadequacy issues. The man is a whore, pure and simple; I was simply the conquest who fell in love with the illusion. Him….I will say that Him DID accept me, flaws and all. He accepted me so much, he revealed all he was (or maybe all he used to be) to me and we shared issues, defects and kink. But he also took advantage of what I offered him: understanding, gifts, friendship. He would toss them aside as if they meant nothing and he had issues with me when I demanded to know what did I do to deserve such treatments. He would never tell me, but suggested we hit re-set buttons and start again…only to end in the same way…every time. The last time he totally blindsided me, but I have to ask myself why? As Artsy Craftsy put it during one of our talks…..he has always done the same shit, only difference this time is he did it quicker than ever and there was a woman involved. Same shit, different circumstances. And I will admit my role in not only the Him fiasco but in the Married Man disaster: I had poured so much of my time, energy and emotions into both of these relationships, I overlooked or ignored the warning flags. I had such efforts invested in them, I simply could not bear to walk away from what was an inevitable loss and I tried so hard to make it a viable and worthwhile endeavor when it would have been easier and simpler to walk away. I thought I could not bear the hurt, the loss and being branded a loser, but what happened? I ended up with more hurt and loss than I could ever imagine…..I hurt so deeply over the Him fiasco that death would have been a welcome relief….at least death would have ended the pain; instead, I suffered and existed in a void that I never thought I would escape from. So my advice? Remember that everything starts out great with all these wonderful feelings….and it is best to wait. True, someone has to make the first move, and if it is you to make it, make it a small gesture instead of some huge proclamation. Try to determine if they are accepting you or taking advantage of you. And make sure that your efforts are reciprocated because there is nothing worse than building your world and yourself around the person you are in love with and all they are doing is playing along; when it all falls apart, you are left with broken pieces and shattered illusions and it can take a long, long time to put it all back together.

Well, there you have it…what my experiences have taught me about loving you, losing me. Not sure if it is helpful at all, but it makes me feel better to get it out there. And I am applying the lessons learned so far from the process: I am no longer exerting efforts when the other party isn’t; I no longer want to even talk to a guy who says he has no idea what he is looking for. Seriously, if you don’t know what you want, I damned sure don’t and I am done hanging around to see if I could be your one. I am done making excuses and justifications for inexcusable behaviors and liars, you do not have to bother stopping off. I absolutely hate a liar: I have found you to be people with immature mindsets and afraid to face consequences of your actions, and to top it all off your lies prevent me from making my own choices. If I base my decision off of a lie, that renders my decision invalid. Red flags and warning signs are my friends and I shall treat them as such and if someone cannot meet the most basic of expectations and standards, I will no longer settle. I already choose men who are beneath me in every way simply because I still have self-esteem issues….to settle on top of already settling? Men with a list of musts and demands or use disrespectful terms when speaking of others and men who suggest a meet and greet and expect me to pay my way? No.

You know, with all these lessons I have learned and all the new rules in place, I may NEVER find someone but that is okay….I have wasted too many years on endeavors which have taught me these lessons….I have no more years to waste on someone or something that in the end, still will not satisfy me except in the short term; it is time to learn about happiness without pain and sacrifice, and to learn how easily love comes and flows between two people who can freely express it. Okay, so I will be back really, really soon with an update on issues facing the Panel, we still have to meet Meredith Grey and maybe check in on the Ladies of the Panel and see what is going on with them. See ya soon!

 

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