Where the Boys Are

Okay, so far we have had the online chat sessions and the one night stand…two incidents I wonder if I should have done and with the chat, still indulge in. They provide (d) much needed distractions and I really need them at this point. Where the fiasco is concerned, I am at the point of no return….I have proof of  Him’s complete and utter rejection of me and hope (for me) is dead….when I think of all the lies, disrespect and mistreatment….that man could bring me the world on a silver platter every day and it still would not be enough. Coming to terms with a lot of emotions and ridding myself of both illusions and delusions is enough to drive me out of my mind but do I need distractions, or to stay focused on the big picture: processing my way to emotional health and balance? On a positive ( or maybe not) note, both incidents have given me a little more confidence and I have put myself out there twice more: once to accept a date with yet another guy who has the same name as Him who wanted a real old fashioned date: dinner, movies and maybe a walk with ice cream cones afterwards. It sounded way too good to be true and it was: he cancelled an hour before we were supposed to meet…..AND he spelled it “cancil.” No shit.  And you know what….he had actually cancelled once we set the date as he never responded to my emails and calls the next day so I could give him my address (he was picking me up); yet, he has posted an ad every day since looking for a date to celebrate his “new job”, looking to meet a woman who was willing to start with sex, then date….and now, he is “looking for anything he can get.” Really, did I want a date with a guy who is looking for anything he can get? Truly, that  dude is proof positive that rejection IS God’s protection.

 The second incident was lunch with a guy here in town from Denver….we had BBQ (YUMMY) in Chinatown, gave our uneaten portions to a homeless woman and spent the afternoon in his hotel room. There was no sex..he just wanted to massage me and admire my body and it felt really nice to lay back and be pampered without feeling obligated to reciprocate. I did offer because I am that sort of person, but he said my pleasure was his reward. I made sure to send a thank you email when I returned home and again, do you think I got an acknowledgement? Nope.

So with all these ventures and typical conclusions, I decided to hold a pow-wow with my boys, the Men of the Panel. I really love these guys…..they are the best male friends any girl could have and their honest observations on what is going on is welcome, refreshing and most importantly, educational. Seriously, who wouldn’t want the opposite sex’s unbiased and objective view of what YOU could do to make yourself more attractive, desirable and better relationship material to others? Without further ado, here are the guys’ take on all that has gone down and what I can do to make the next time around better than the last.

Cuz: He is a male version of Morning Person. When I told him all that had been going on, he just shook his head and asked me WHERE do I find these fools? Apparently I have a nutcase magnet imbedded somewhere in my DNA and I am in need of a surgical procedure. Cuz feels I need to slow down and chill….so what if Him is married? That is no indication of happiness and what I want to concentrate on right now is making sure I am not running around fucked up, fucking other people over. I have nothing to prove to anyone and I need to stop telling men I am open-minded and non-judgmental…..that is a green light to every online idiot with pent up issues and perverted desires to just dump his shit on my doorstep. As for the entire Him fiasco…..Cuz thinks that maybe he needs to pack up his Witch Doctor kit complete with masks, herbs and a spell book to help offset whatever spell Him is under right now. While Cuz (and Morning Person) are the only ones who feel that Him will never find the courage to return for even a sincere, heartfelt apology, Cuz is  the only Panel member right now who would hear Him out as to his side of the story….if the man would ever tell us. However, he chose to lie to us and throw me under a moving bus so we are sticking with the theory that every dog has his day and trust and believe….that man will get exactly what he deserves if he is not already reaping what he has sown.

Chef: Yes, he is crazy and slowly trying to drive me insane but it’s okay. He is a good friend and we cannot abandon him now. According to Chef, my solution is I need to approach every potential guy as a financial arrangement as I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and when I fall for someone, I fall hard and can go overboard. A financial arrangement keeps boundaries in place and emotions in check, and the best part? IF my feelings are reciprocated 100% , the arrangement part can fall by the wayside. Which makes sense….it is easier to get a guy to stop payments in the middle of a relationship versus start payments. As far as the one night stand….it was good to stretch my wings and feel another’s touch, but time to start getting serious with the process and with me. When it comes to the Him situation, Chef firmly believes the man will return to me, divorce or no….our history, our chemistry, the understanding, acceptance and crazy, passionate sex is still there between us and just below the surface; he says we will not be able to resist the pull….he will be contrite and willing to jump through hoops, I will be softhearted  and I will weaken and take him back…and if that happens…Chef and I will have our own financial arrangement as he will only be available  as a rent-a-friend.

Buddy: I love Buddy….he says that there is no end for Him and I….just starts and stops. And no, that is NOT the reason I love Buddy….I love Buddy because he is so real and honest and is not hurtful or harmful with it.  Buddy thinks I need to dumb it down. According to Buddy, I am too attractive and too intelligent for the majority of men….couple that with my honesty and lack of game playing skills and I have a disaster on my hands. Men like to feel in control and powerful and I already have one strike against them in that arena….I am a tall glass of water built to hold all the sexiness and curves I possess, and men are immediately intimidated by that. Buddy says that men will always be attracted to me ….either my beauty and personality will draw them in or their curiosity will get the better of them. In order for me to catch AND keep a man worthy of me….stay offline (as if the real world is any better…those dudes online are the same ones in the real world!)  and gradually present my many gifts and charms.

Policeman: Policeman says I give him the most grief, and while I don’t think I do, I can see his point. As the only married man on the Panel, I ask Policeman the tough questions. I think he takes them personally but I keep telling him not to….I am not judging or condemning…I am trying to understand. I ask him questions like if guys are not willing to change their situation, why are they willing to jeopardize it by cheating? His response: WHO thinks they will get caught? Good point. So, I send the wedding picture to the Panel and Policeman was one of the few who did not respond with their opinion…..Quiet One said nothing because she is still in disbelief, Bell Pepper said a picture says a thousand words so her two or three little words made no difference and Policeman….he was scared to talk to me because who KNEW how I would react?? My calm demeanor was certainly a surprise and a relief to my friend and he told me first that any man who is the recipient of my love is the luckiest man in the world and he prayed daily for a woman to love him the way I love(d) Him. Policeman’s take on the fiasco is Him really is mentally deficient and I need to remember that, the union will not last a year and I need to make sure I am emotionally stable and able to stand by the declarations I am making now about not recycling this particular relationship. As for the one night stand/dating situation….I am not ready. I am still vulnerable and am settling for men who are less than in an attempt to prove myself sexy and worthy….but I am doing so with guys I do not find sexy and worthy and if that wasn’t the stupidest thing he ever heard of, he doesn’t know what is. His advice: just sit back, process and cultivate some patience. Oh, his advice for the next relationship?? Stop taking people at face value.

Weekend Phone Friend: No one has really heard of this guy….he is like a male version of Queen Bee. We have been friends since the days of Married Man and still he is not on the Panel, per se. If I had to give him a title, it would be Outside Contractor because he has a crazy, jealous wife  and works too many days/hours and to be available the way I would need him to be should I officially place him on the Panel. So we talk on Friday and Saturday nights every weekend except for holidays, family emergencies and beach weekend. I should call him my Pity Party Partner because I cry to him ( he says it hurt him so badly when he heard me cry over Him) and ask him the questions like: why am I the one and done girl? Why can’t ANY man see what I am or DO they see me and find lacking? Weekend Phone friend tells me that my problem is I settle for guys who are beneath me…every time…..but because of what I have been through, I tend to give these guys attributes they never possessed and they cannot keep their pretenses up but for so long. According to Weekend Phone Friend, I am beautiful, sexy, so intelligent I could be a scholar, sexual and kinky…..a combination even the best looking, most confident guy would have trouble handling, and I am expecting these loser assholes to appreciate. I ask him will I always be alone and will I ever find a quality relationship? He says of course not and yes, I will…and here is where he floored me….he said Him would be the one to give it to me. Yes, Him is stupid, crazy and 40 varieties of messed up, but underneath there has always been genuine caring (present fiasco excluded) and we still have our connection….once the man finds out the grass isn’t greener, he will be ready and able to sustain something of quality and lasting with me. NOT what I want to hear….I want a different caliber of man and a different standard of relationship. I want to know where I stand at all times with my partner and I do not want to have to feel insecure or jealous of all who walk the streets. And here is Weekend Phone Friend shut me up: I doubt his theory that Him could learn to be all that I need him to be once he sees what he had with me, but I fully expect to find all I just outlined on Craigslist or online period. Okay. His advice: heal some more. Grow some more. Meet new people and let friendships develop and grow, forgive Him and myself and the next chapter will find me.

Well, here we are at the conclusion of the trilogy and playing catch-up.  I just hope it has been as interesting to read as it was to actually live out. Morning Person says sometimes being friends with me is exhausting and all of this drama could be avoided if I stopped picking up the strange strays, bringing them home and keeping them against the advice and wishes of others. I tell her if I did that, how BORING would my life be? But I have learned lessons and it is evident: I am being more selective and no more exerting efforts and energy with ones who cannot/will not/do not reciprocate. I am learning to shelve expectations in order to avoid disappointments (but not too many expectations…..you have to keep some standards) and every day I process, I am healing and getting stronger and healthier.

I also know that dating is out for me at this point in time….the men in this area are not willing to expend any effort at all short of posting an online ad. They do not want to converse, date/dine or even meet. Seriously. I read an ad from a guy who claimed to be handsome, fit, single, blah blah blah who kept seeing all these fit and active women in the real world and wondered were there any on Craigslist….if so, email him and they could hook up RIGHT NOW. How sad is that?? He SEES the women in the real world and it is too much of an effort to say hello. Seriously? And when/if you actually DO meet, they do not have enough manners to at least acknowledge your presence once they get what they want (or don’t get it) and then you are wondering: should I have done this or that, or maybe I shouldn’t have done it….and really, a man who cannot say please, thank you or you’re welcome is not worth the angst and uncertainty that already accompanies dating. I am trying NOT to lump all guys into the same category, but I am seeing for myself that it doesn’t matter if you have known a guy 6 years or 6 hours…they are all pretty much  disrespectful, inconsiderate and fucked up and I have enough of  my own fucked up to last a lifetime.

My boys gave me some great advice….and I will try to follow it as best I can. Process, heal and grow. Be less honest and accommodating and hold out for quality. Heed the warning signs when they pop up and stop excusing behaviors in men I would not excuse in others. Apply the brakes, temper the understanding and stop being so accepting.  It is going to be hard to hide all I am and all I offer, but I will try….I have it saving me a lot of grief, heartache and headache down the road.   

I think the next blog post will be Loving You, Losing Me, we will get to know Meredith Grey and I think a tribute to the Panel  is due really soon. Thanks for reading and I’ll be back sooner than you think.

One Night Stand

Yes, I did it….believe it or not. Me….the chick who is not ready for anything with anyone on any level….having a one night stand. I am not sure if doing so makes me a liar, a hypocrite or perhaps just a typical person. I do know that despite there being slim pickings in the dating pool, I do NOT want to miss out on opportunities or temptations because I am still wrapped in emotional chains. I do know that in order to be seen, you have to put yourself out there and one thing online chat has done is helped to re-affirm that sexiness really does come in all sizes and that I offer more than a pretty face….I am witty, intelligent , confident (or put on a good show of being so), articulate and just because one man could not see all I offered does not mean that everyone else is blind also. (I have the Panel wondering what they are hanging around for if online chat and not them showed me all they have been saying for years) Being in the process has showed me that truly you can only take things one day at a time, and on this particular day…I was ready for something that did not involve Him, porn or online interaction. I wanted to be in the real world with a real person.

Of course, that particular day being a Saturday, I did not come to such realizations until after 4pm as I was my usual lazy lump of nothing until then. I started my internet rounds on Craigslist (the BEST in free entertainment) and came across an ad written by a guy who was new in town and looking for a dinner date. He had no laundry list of requirements: be interesting with a nice smile and we would just see where the evening took us. Well, I am a fan of food and a bigger fan of free food and I would get to be in the real world with a real person….so I answered. I welcomed him to the area, told him that the dating sucks and the women were mean and asked him where he was from. I then went on about other business: cleaning the house, emailing with Oscar and talking on the phone with Bell Pepper before dude responded back. I had almost forgotten about him as a good hour had passed since I answered the ad. He said he was interested, hoped I wasn’t mean and while he did not have a picture to exchange, he would love to see me and had a pretty good description of himself. He thought I was completely gorgeous and hoped I would seriously consider his invitation to dinner. One glitch: he was brand spanking new to town and all he knew of the metro system was where it was located (right across from the corporate apartment his company had set him up in), so I would have to travel to him. Normally I am not a fan of traveling….I would prefer to host but what the hell…..time to do something different and a late dinner in the suburbs with a stranger was definitely different. Besides, who knew how his sense of direction was and it really is too easy to get lost on the subway if you are not familiar with even the basics, which he wasn’t.

We took the talk offline and to the telephone where I found out this dude has the same name as Him…and he was from Chicago. He was completely single, 31 and had no idea what restaurants were in the area or would even be open. He did say he would not be adverse to an overnight if things went in that direction and hoped I would not be adverse to that either. I suggested we both shelve the expectations and just see what transpired. I told him I needed to finish some chores around the house first and he said he had errands to run so we would check in with each other later on and hopefully we would see each other later that night. As soon as I hung up the phone, I was in panic mode. See, I was all set to meet and flirt and eat….I had thought no further than that….and he wanted sex. ALL men want sex and why I thought a Him from Craigslist would be different I have ZERO idea; except I was not sure if I wanted sex. I immediately got in touch with Oscar and it all came out in a jumbled mess…..and this was Oscar’s redeeming moment. She has been crazier than batshit lately (once you know the story, both understandable and acceptable) but she made more sense than she has in a long, long time. It only has to end in sex if I want it to…..there is nothing written in stone that all dates end in sex. She said if I decided to go on the date…..stay in the moment and not worry about how it is going to end. Just go with it and have fun with it. So I took a couple of deep breaths and got busy cleaning the house, but as the time to confirm drew closer, I had a list of excuses ready….and Chicago shot them down one by one. I smoke? Great, he did also; he understood about not wanting to travel home on the subway so late at night and even if we did not connect, he would put me up for the night so I would not be homeless for the night. My pain was acting up and I would be on a cane….he saw no difference in that than if I had broken my leg and was on crutches. He had no car so how far were these places: his place and the restaurant ( we had chosen a pub/bar to eat at) in terms of walking distance? He said he was not that active so his walking distances were kept within a half mile radius.

I was out of excuses and still not sure if he was a genuinely nice guy or just that pressed to try and get in my pants, but I decided to just go for it. Seriously, what was the worst that could happen, other than him being a combination robber/rapist/serial killer? At least he was willing to put forth an effort to get to know a girl….dinner and conversation face to face. Bell Pepper called back to see what I was doing and I told her….she was both excited and nervous…an online stranger? I had to call her and contact Oscar before leaving out, but for now….GET READY! I took a long shower, indulged in some grooming practices and took extra time with my hair. I decided on a long, comfortable brown dress that showed lots of cleavage and an animal print jacket as protection against the cool night. Yeah, it was a pub and I may have been a little overdressed but I am not a jeans sort of girl…sweats, leggings and comfy dresses are more my style and sweats seemed a little TOO casual. So I am looking good, smelling good and ready for my big adventure. I called Chicago to tell him I was on my way….and no answer. I wait 5 minutes, call again AND shoot him an email….still no responses. By this time it is like 11pm and I am ready to throw in the towel…..I could get a Dr. Pepper, some chips and relax with the Boondocks. Oscar emailed and I told her what happened and she was outdone. Bell Pepper called and she said we should’ve known just by the name alone. So I am bitching and venting with my girls about loser men and my other line rang…..it was Chicago. For some reason, he thought our last phone call meant for him to go to the subway station and this is all a huge misunderstanding and please stop hating him and come see him. I told him I would call him back and ran the entire conversation past Oscar and Bell Pepper….who said to give him another chance. At least he had not stood me up yet and for the love of Pete, text them when I got to the destination to let them know I was safe. Not quite sure what Oscar was going to do if dude turned out to be an axe murderer or something (she is over 100 miles away) but I agreed to do so.

I finally arrived at the subway station and he was waiting right there for me…..and he was shorter than he said, thinner than he said and was so casual I think my sweats would have been a step up from his outfit….but he smiled so widely when he saw me and told me I was even more gorgeous in person. He looked like Kevin James from that show King of Queens, only smaller and with darker hair. The streets were quiet and we walked and talked quietly on the way to the pub. Once there, he loosened up a little more and we shared more about ourselves….he told me about life in Chicago and Wisconsin and I shared bits and pieces about how hard it was getting back into the dating game after such a long absence….he commiserated. Then we played the one question game…..and my one question was: if you knew you would not be caught and there would be no consequences, what would you do? And he could choose two things which apparently were two too many…..he had zero idea what he would do. Answers like that or that are sexual in nature disappoint me…..we all have that one thing we would do if we could get away with it, and a person who has no idea what it is I have being incredibly secretive or totally unimaginative. But he was funny and more than considerate of me being on a cane. When we left, he was holding both my bag of leftovers ( he had burgers and beer while I got chicken tenders with fries and slaw) and my hand. We walked slowly and stopped at the waterfall park to not only rest but to smoke. And then we got to his place….

He gave me the teeny tiny tour ( basically, it was a hotel room with a full kitchen) and we fell across the bed to watch TV. I was still unsure about sex, but I did want to kiss him, and my head on his chest with his arms wrapped around me felt nice ,so I turned to him and he was already looking at me and the kiss just happened…..and it was nice. He told me I was not his first older woman, but I was his first black woman and his first bigger woman and he found both to be sexier than he ever imagined and I felt panic creeping over me again. I was Crazy Married Dude’s first bigger black woman (I told you how THAT ended) and I was the first black woman for Him….and my father always said you never want to be the first at anything romantic as #1 is followed by numbers 2 through infinity…..but I squashed it and went with the moment. I read the tattoos on his body and made him tell the stories behind them; he was amazed at how soft and clear complexioned my skin was. (Thank you, Clarins lotion!!)  We laughed, we kissed, we explored each other with hands, lips and tongues….he told me if he had to give me a flavor it would be Oh My God….meant in a good way and I did everything right…..then we were ready and Chicago did NOT have a condom! WTF?? I had none and thought about picking some up but decided if he wanted it to end in his bed, he would have them. In all his errand running and the thought in the back of his mind that I would stand him up, he forgot to get them…so here we are, ready at the gate and it’s locked. He did make an attempt to convince me to go bareback and while I did so with both Married Man and Him, I at least knew them. In truth, Chicago was still a stranger and I told him I was not leaving the hotel with something I did not come in with, and he swore he had no diseases; I pointed out he had babies and I did not want one. So we played some more and we both got a manual happy ending, after which we fell into each other’s arms and fell asleep.

In the morning, we spooned some more and played around before I said it was time for me to go and get my day started. He showered while I smoked, then I washed up and he told me he had never seen a woman look so pretty first thing in the morning.  He walked me to the subway, kissed me at the top of the escalator and asked would it be okay if he called or emailed me sometime and I told him I would like that. But he never did and I even sent him an email when I got home thanking him for the first fun evening in a long time to which he did not even say you’re welcome….and I am okay with that. The time together was nice…..no deep and instant connection, no fireworks or passion and I am glad of that. I needed something to get me out of the “what’s wrong with me” funk I had been wallowing in, not the next big thing. I still need to work on me and resolve the issues; I need to reconcile my feelings towards Him and make peace with the entire fiasco and as long as I am not ready to forgive him, it ain’t happening. And I am okay with that also. When it is time to forgive, without strings or conditions, I will know it and do so. And if Chicago is all alone in a new town and found a woman he thought was gorgeous and did everything right and he did not feel the need to call her back….that is on him, not me.

Of course, I told the Panel….Morning Person thought I had a one night stand with Him and almost choked. Once I set her straight though, she was okay with the idea…just no more, please….get back into the process. Girlfriend wants details and as soon as we have our date night ( you can’t give details in an email!) I shall. Bell Pepper and Oscar are wondering why he never called back and Quiet One thinks I am telling a story and Busy Bee asked was it good. Artsy Craftsy thinks I should chill for a minute and if she had known beforehand, she would have talked me out of it. New Mommy covered KBugg’s ears and asked for details, which I shared. Like me, she thinks the fact that it was nice is the best thing that could have happened. Guardian Princess and Mini-Me don’t know, although they might after reading this. And I shared with the guys on the Panel and THEIR responses to not only this but everything that has happened is in the next blog post….Where the Boys Are.

Online Chat

I am just going to get busy getting everyone caught up and putting in print just what the hell has been happening. I want to say I have been straying from the path of the process, but maybe I have just been doing what is natural. I have said it before and I will say it again, at the end of the day, no one wants to be hurting or in pain and really, IS there an emotional equivalent of Advil out there? Didn’t think so, so I have been using prayer and distractions and the next three posts will give you the results of my homemade remedies.

First thing, we have gotten a wedding picture. I would like to expound more on that particular revelation, but that’s it. He is in a suit and looking pale and pasty and as if he were looking at his watch but I think he is showing the BTH his wedding ring and she is overly made up in a white wedding dress that shows off all what makes us call her a BTH and a pretty bouquet of flowers.  Oh, I will say this….sista girl’s weave is TIGHT. I mean, it is DID…not done…DID.  So see, I am not such a mean bitch after all. Morning Person says it is a nice picture and I have to agree….for almost $100K, EVERYTHING should have been nice. She disagrees about his color though but Artsy Craftsy sees it and knows what I am talking about….yes, the man is white but he now looks like a white sheet dipped in baby powder whereas before he did have some color to him. Girlfriend says the BTH looks as if she is wearing 10 pounds of makeup; Cuz thinks him looks like a drugged zombie being led to slaughter and Chef thinks him is looking at his watch and hoping the Viagra kicks in soon. Oscar said it best: the man has gone and fooled us all again and here is the proof.

I hear reports: he is thinner and has loose, saggy skin from the weight loss, he is paler and the fact that his  hair is completely gray only makes him look lighter and whiter. He is quiet and very much all to himself. Still, no smiles, no face lighting up and no signs of happiness and all I know is if I had just married a person who made me look and feel great and had brought so much happiness into my world, it would be hard to hide and contain. I have most people being like that, but no longer my concern. He made his choice, did what he did and we continue our separate ways.

So, we got the picture and I did not cry;  it hurt, but not as badly as I thought it would. Lord knows, I had enough warning and had shed enough tears before this so perhaps I am healing and a little more than I thought.  I hear the reports and while I do wonder and wish…..I am no longer in Supa Sav-A-Bro mode; he is not the man I knew and loved. He is a stranger in all aspects now and maybe that is a good thing.  So while I am no longer rushing to his rescue or crying my eyes out over him every single day, I do know that I need something to keep me from obsessing and analyzing over this aspect of the fiasco the way I have other aspects, and chat is a very viable option. It does not require a lot of attention, it takes up time (although usually during the day as it seems every man is married or attached, despite saying they are “single”)  and I get to exchange ideas, opinions and perspectives on a range of topics…..AND I get attention and told I am so many wonderful things.

Sometimes I answer ads and the last ad I answered had typical results. He is a tall guy looking for a long term relationship…wants to go slowly and believes in communication, honesty, friendship, respect, blah blah blah.  He wants to be a writer and has all of these unfinished manuscripts and books lying around and the first thing he did was google me. Seriously, what the FUCK is up with that? He says I left the door open by having my name in my email handle/address but I say it is an invasion of privacy….just because a door is open, does that give you the right to just barge into someone’s house? Second thing…he totally criticized my resume, offering suggestions that pretty much  made no sense and showed me he did not actually read my resume. Third, the fool is not even in the DMV as his ad suggests. He is over 185 miles away in another state, has basically placed his ad all along the Eastern Seaboard and is not normally attracted to BBWs but felt an attraction to me. Yet, I felt as if he were trying too hard to make a connection with me, and he took things way too personally when I disagreed with him. To me, it seemed as if he wanted to rush things and the fact that it would be a long distance relationship (he said if we connected he would move in with me, but I am so not going for THAT one… I have YET to meet a man I want to live with on a 24/7 basis)  was not appealing; in addition, he had so many criticisms over my blog and writing style, I had it being the stepping stone to criticisms of other things and me being put in a position of constantly defending/explaining myself and my choices….AND he wanted to tell me I should have had my closure by now and moved on. Y’all know how I feel about THAT….so it simply was a disaster from the beginning and it ended as quickly as it started.

So, I decided to place my own ad  for a chat partner and I got so many responses, I had to share the task of reading and responding to those that seemed viable and Oscar agreed to be my helper which may or may not have been the best idea. See, with people she knows, Oscar is bubbly, honest, funny and insightful but putting herself out there with a faceless stranger with whom she has who knows what in common….she comes across as stiff and uninterested, so a lot of the responses I sent her to be her distraction….turned out to be total duds. In the ad I mentioned I was not looking to take it offline and I could talk about more than the weather….so while I answered responses from guys in Minnesota, Texas and Seattle….she got guys local to the DMV who were no longer interested once they found out Oscar wasn’t. The few who stuck around, Oscar had no idea how to proceed and pretty soon ended up talking about….the weather. Not good.

I ended up with a handful of chat partners who were interesting and there was one guy who made Adam’s Housecat seem like a schoolboy. This dude had my eyes round as saucers and had me forwarding entire email exchanges to Oscar. Oscar and I fell  in lust with him and I wanted to meet. I knew he was married, I knew he was not looking for anything other to have fun and I would only be along for the ride….and I did not care. He came across as mysterious, forceful, kinky and as a man who would leave me breathless, panting and wanting more. He found me confident, sexy, edgy and the things he said he could do with certain body parts made me want to leave work early and do him in the garage. THEN, we got his picture and the dream died. Just. Like. That. I felt nothing at all and there was no way I felt that the man whose face I stared at could be the one writing those enticing, erotic emails….the one who would switch gears and ask the questions that made me stop and think and the guy who told me that bad boys never reformed….they just reformulated their plans. Oscar and I decided he was either a liar or all talk and no action ( is there a difference?) and decided to call his bluff: I told him to come see me….the subway comes right to my neighborhood on his way home….and he had excuse after excuse as to why he couldn’t. Hell, it wasn’t a date….he was taking me along for a ride, remember? But he kept hemming and hawing and we stopped talking.

Another guy who I started chatting with ( and am still chatting with) is a really nice guy in another state who may just be brought onboard as an Independent Consultant. He and I talk about everything under the sun and we offer each other advice that is honest without being hurtful. He understands the difference when it comes to talking about sex and becoming sexual and like me….looking for a distraction from his everyday life while seeking out new perspectives and opinions on different issues and topics in an effort to keep learning and expanding. He is searching for a real life distraction and is entrusting me to help him make his choices and I am both flattered and honored. I can’t think of a good pseudonym for him just yet so for now, I will call him Tiger as he likes the Tigers….whoever they are. Baseball team, maybe?  There is the guy who works maybe 2 blocks away from me who emails to see how I am doing and we vent and bitch about our jobs, our weekends and the lack of quality people who “get it”. We have not met and probably won’t….some things are better kept online…besides it works better for both of us that way.  And there was the martial artist who I talked to for 2 weeks before his issues and demons just kind of took over and rendered him uncommunicative.  

Of course, there are disasters….Adam’s Housecat is a notable one but I have two other guys who are serious contenders for Online Disaster of the Year. Dude #1 seemed really nice at first….he was quirky, witty and spoke on a wide range of topics. He gave decent answers to questions I asked and had a few of his own that were not run of the mill. He came across as logical and reasonable and then….it changed. He started calling me terms of endearment and told me he really, really cared about me but he had to be honest with me and hoped his confessions did not cause him to lose me. I told him to tell all…..and he admitted to being married with a child, a racist, an active bisexual and he had an STD. BUT he could still be all I needed him to be if I gave him space and understanding…..we are no longer chatting. Dude #2 leaves me speechless…..I tell him over and over I am not ready for a commitment or even to be sexual with someone….hence me not taking it offline. At best, I am looking for a distraction and affirmation that I am still a worthy contender in the dating game, but EVERY.TIME he wants to turn the conversation sexual and try to have cybersex (seriously, what is the appeal in that?)  and when I tell him that I am NOT going for it, he wants to whine about his needs and how every emotion in the world makes him horny. So I told him to go get laid. Period. We are not boyfriend/girlfriend or committed to each other in any way and he claims to have at least 2 FWBs but he swears he wants to wait for me. So STOP telling me how horny you are if you aren’t going to do anything about it. Hell, go masturbate…..it seems to work for everyone else. This dude says he is single, but he cannot host ( roommates) and cannot meet on weekends ( part time job) so for us to even meet, we would both have to take a day off from work, I would have to host and he doesn’t want to meet in public for a meal or drinks first. He wants ME to provide movies and cuddling and hopefully a make-out session….and he hopes I would be worth it. So now I am seeing red and here is where I have learned at least one lesson: BOTH parties have to put forth an effort and if I am taking a day without pay, hosting, providing entertainment AND I have to bring my A-game so I can prove myself worthy….you can fucking feed me. He still emails but I barely respond….I only send cursory responses to not be rude and Girlfriend says to stop being polite; I think she has a good point.

So there you have it….the online chat sessions that gave me the courage/confidence/whatever it was I needed to take it to another level and indulge in a One Night Stand. THAT post is next…stay tuned.

School Without Doors

You guys know I am not a big fan of having babies or of raising them, but I do love the children. They can be sweet, funny, precocious and for those who want them, a joy and delight that words cannot express. So, when a friend of mine told me about the Pepsi Refresh Project to install doors at her children’s school, I was more than happy to blog about it. After all, it takes a village to raise a child and there are five things a parent must legally  provide for a child: housing, clothing, food/nutrition, maintaining physical and dental health and education. With this project, we can all help with the educational portion and all you have to do is vote once a day for the rest of the month.

First, let’s start with a little background about the school: it is Clearview Elementary School in Herndon, Virginia. It gets a 5 star rating from the Fairfax County school community, ranks #27 out of 130 schools in the county and is in need of our help.

Clearview was built back in the ‘70s , when educational concepts such as “Schools Without Walls” and “Open Space” were considered cutting edge. The difference between Schools Without Walls and Open Space are this: a school without walls uses the city itself and field trips to bring education to life and open space uses no doors to separate the classrooms, which gives students of all grade and skill levels  a chance to to learn and help each other succeed. The open space concept has its roots in the one room schoolhouse where all students learned pretty much the same things at the same time….before grades and skill levels were even thought to be implemented and assessed. Today, of course, while not outdated, the open space project can be distracting and not give students the targeted help they need. So Clearview needs doors (20 of them)  to provide an optimum learning environment for all their students to achieve, succeed and maybe even supersede goals and expectations and have reached out to the Pepsi Refresh Project to help them with that.

Pepsi Refresh is a program that provides funding for ideas that refresh and improve your/our communities in one of three categories: education, communities and arts & music. Sixty projects a month receive funding: 20 projects get $5,000; 15 projects get $10, 000; 15 projects get $25,000 and 10 projects receive $50,000. Projects such as playgrounds, after school programs, books and musical instruments for schools and blankets for the homeless have all received funding from the Pepsi Refresh Project.

Doors for a school may pale in comparison, but they are needed, necessary and expensive. Clearview is doing their share, but making the Top Ten in the Pepsi Refresh Projects for the month of May would definitely help them achieve their goal and this is where YOU can help. Simply click the link below to vote….you can log in with your Facebook account or set up a Pepsi account. You can vote for up to five ideas a day so not only can you help the kids get doors, you can help someone else who is need of your vote. It would be great if you voted every day ….each vote gets Clearview closer to the Top Ten and that is all they need. They do not even need to be #1…..just break into the Top Ten.

If you are uncomfortable with signing in and voting but you consume Pepsi products, please comment me with your codes found under the caps and I can enter them in as codes count as votes also. So, I am appealing to you, the reader, to help the kids get what they need to achieve and excel in their educational goals. It is such a little thing that will really make a big difference. The link is below and I hope you take a moment to click, learn more and vote.

Will be back soon with Online Chat so I can start getting you guys caught up.



Ocean’s Four ( Beach Trip, Part II)

I know this post should have been up a long time ago, but things are just happening and I do not think there are enough hours in the day. Really I don’t. I do know it is going to take at least three posts to catch you guys up on everything and then I think I will be ready to give you all my take on Loving You, Losing Me. But before I get into the other posts, I owe you the conclusion to the Beach Trip.

First, I am going to send a huge shout out and thank you to Morning Person for the title of this post….when she said it, I KNEW I would be using it and told her so. Second, you also need to know the Beach Trip is an annual event; we have done this trip together for over 7 years so it is not as if we found out his wedding date and decided to get the hell out of dodge. The date had been set before the  apparently day-long  reconciliation  between him and I and it so happened his wedding date coincided with our beach date. Third, the beach trip is partly pleasure but I go for what I like to now call “Lifestyle Management” workshops, so it is pleasure combined with an educational experience.

So you already know the trip down to the beach was utterly disgusting and had me adding Mini-Me to the Lifelong Hatred and No Forgiveness list I keep in my head. I was sullen and pretty non-communicative and since Mini-Me had successfully inflicted her misery , she was happy and quiet pretty much the rest of the trip. Busy Bee and Morning Person made quiet small talk amongst themselves and everything was just awkward…to me at least. I do know I am the only member of the Panel who has had a person she was madly, deeply and passionately in love with have her lover/partner leave her when things were at a point that it was good….usually when people leave, things are anything but good. Then less than 8 months later, he marries this chick who is what he swore to me and any who asked what he did not want. I freely admit, I am the one who finds the guys that have people scratching their heads and this relationship, from the very beginning, was the doozy that took the cake…..but what exactly do you say to someone who has been through that? What do you offer them? Morning Person and Busy Bee  figured the best thing to do, especially after the outburst was to just keep quiet and leave me be.

So we hit the beach and as usual….seriously we do it EVERY year….we always make the right turn off the highway when we should keep straight, or is it go left? Whatever it is, it is NOT the right turn. Of course, we figured it out soon after we made the turn and Busy Bee got us turned around in the right direction. We were each anxious to get the weekend started for our own reasons….Chuck Brown was going to be in town the next night and Busy Bee wanted to get her ticket; Mini-Me wanted a bed to lay down in; Morning Person was there for quiet time and to renew and refresh herself and I needed some help/advice/guidance. Very rarely will I say something in life has knocked me down so badly I actually NEED a lifestyle management workshop, but this year….I needed what they offered.

We get to the convention center and pick up our registrations and while Busy Bee was going to get her Chuck Brown tickets (Morning Person actually agreed to go with her!), I decided to go and purchase a tee shirt or something and Morning Person went with me. We left Mini-Me downstairs in a common area as she said she just wanted to go check in. Bless Morning Person’s heart….few on the Panel really know me but Morning Person is one who does. My quietness was bothering her…..she can deal with my yelling and ranting….she knows whatever I am feeling is being released and no harm, no foul. But when I am quiet and tell you I’m fine…she knows people need to speak softly and walk quickly. She asked me was I angry with her and to tell her what is going on. So I did….I love Morning Person and she is one of the few people I can talk to without having to break things down. She listened, hugged me and told we would get through this together and as long as I wasn’t angry with her, she could care less about the other two. And so the rest of the afternoon went okay….I had purged myself so I could be a little more sociable. We checked in, got food and I stayed in the room with Mini-Me that evening ( I was exhausted) while Morning Person and Busy Bee went to a workshop.

Okay, so while I was being a little more sociable, I was not ( and still am not) over that shitty stunt Mini-Me pulled. Whether it was deliberate or out of sheer ignorance, the chick should have known better. Seriously. When she goes through her shit with that “man” of hers, I am supportive and considerate and is it too much to ask the same of her?  Oh, did mention the chick called ne BITTER when she read the Empathy, Sympathy and Being Stuck on Stupid post? Really? I’m bitter when I turn the tables on people? Again, suck my big black dick.  So I made small talk and then I asked her to take a couple of pictures of me….I took one standing, one laying across the bed and then….I asked to take one of my ass. Don’t ask why…I am not a fan of my ass, but it seemed a suitable thing to ask her to do. I kept it covered ( I was wearing night clothes) but either that is not my ass or the chick cannot even take a decent picture. My ass looked HUGE….big as Texas, and the cellulite had not only moved in but was developing high rise condos on my thighs. My underwear looked like some huge ass diaper and I was fussing at Mini-Me and trying to make her re-take the picture but she refused. I let the matter drop….what good would it have done to pursue it? I would do nothing with the ass pic but delete it regardless. Besides, who knows why I was even asking the chick to take pictures of my ass anyway? I don’t.

Saturday comes and after breakfast (pancakes!!), I am ready for my first workshop…Loving You, Losing Me. It was complete crap and I knew I would have to blog my own take on it.  Cursing, yelling and I have no idea what the speaker was talking about, but it was not on topic. I was more confused than ever after hearing the first person speak and the second person? We all walked out. Dude was not making any sense and that workshop made Morning Person’s head hurt. Mini-Me went to play cards and the rest of us tried another workshop….this one was about life experiences and I thought this would be good, especially since the first topic touched upon was anger issues. Except the speaker never told us how she worked through her issues or what tools were instrumental in doing so. Yes, there was talk of Higher Powers and patience but I need something tangible to help me help the process. You just can’t sit there being patient with all kinds of negativity building up and that is what is happening to me except I am not even patient with it. So after the second workshop, we decided to get some lunch and rest before dinner, workshops and Chuck. I ended up eating and falling asleep and when I woke up, it almost 9pm. Dinner had come and gone without me (or Mini-Me…she stayed in), I missed the evening workshop and that was a good thing in a way. Nothing was working out as far as me gaining tools and advice and if Morning Person and Busy Bee were going to see Chuck…it would have been too much of a hassle for Busy Bee to find another parking space if she had to drop me off.

Busy Bee and Morning Person had a great time at the show….they did not get back until almost 2am , Busy Bee danced the entire time and it took Morning Person a week to catch up on her rest, but they enjoyed themselves. None of us really enjoyed the workshops this year….only one workshop had Morning Person and Busy Bee thinking they could carry something away from it and I was outdone. We went to breakfast, caught one last workshop hoping for some for the road inspiration, but no such luck. The ride back was pretty uneventful except for Mini-Me popping an Oxycotin and pretty much becoming uncommunicative and damn near passing out sleep. She did not want food, yet complained that Busy Bee would not stop for her to get any…AFTER the woman asked her a good 3 times ( she did not want the KFC we stopped and had)  and was still pissed at her “man” for wanting her to bring him back some souvenirs with the money he sent her. Morning Person, Busy Bee and I tried to figure that one out but we gave up. I teased them and said they were gay bitches; when Morning Person asked why were they gay bitches, I told her because I was a bitter, hater bitch and they all laughed…well, not Mini-Me. She was pretty much under the influence of that Oxycotin for a day or so afterwards.

We made it home safely and while this year was definitely the least inspiring trip/workshops ever, we will go again next year, although Mini-Me says this year was it for her. We are even thinking about going back to the beach after Labor Day to just rest, regroup and have a change of scenery. I more than likely will even if they don’t. I am not joking about getting out more and seeing cities and sights beyond what I am used to. So now you know all about our beach trip and I promise to catch you all up on EVERYTHING that has been happening…no joke, the next three posts will be all about what has been happening over here with me but before I do that, I have to do favor for a friend.

The next blog post will be School Without Doors ( PLEASE vote and help the children), then we will pick up with Online Chat, One Night Stand and Where the Boys Are. Stay tuned and stick around!