Okay, so far we have had the online chat sessions and the one night stand…two incidents I wonder if I should have done and with the chat, still indulge in. They provide (d) much needed distractions and I really need them at this point. Where the fiasco is concerned, I am at the point of no return….I have proof of Him’s complete and utter rejection of me and hope (for me) is dead….when I think of all the lies, disrespect and mistreatment….that man could bring me the world on a silver platter every day and it still would not be enough. Coming to terms with a lot of emotions and ridding myself of both illusions and delusions is enough to drive me out of my mind but do I need distractions, or to stay focused on the big picture: processing my way to emotional health and balance? On a positive ( or maybe not) note, both incidents have given me a little more confidence and I have put myself out there twice more: once to accept a date with yet another guy who has the same name as Him who wanted a real old fashioned date: dinner, movies and maybe a walk with ice cream cones afterwards. It sounded way too good to be true and it was: he cancelled an hour before we were supposed to meet…..AND he spelled it “cancil.” No shit. And you know what….he had actually cancelled once we set the date as he never responded to my emails and calls the next day so I could give him my address (he was picking me up); yet, he has posted an ad every day since looking for a date to celebrate his “new job”, looking to meet a woman who was willing to start with sex, then date….and now, he is “looking for anything he can get.” Really, did I want a date with a guy who is looking for anything he can get? Truly, that dude is proof positive that rejection IS God’s protection.
The second incident was lunch with a guy here in town from Denver….we had BBQ (YUMMY) in Chinatown, gave our uneaten portions to a homeless woman and spent the afternoon in his hotel room. There was no sex..he just wanted to massage me and admire my body and it felt really nice to lay back and be pampered without feeling obligated to reciprocate. I did offer because I am that sort of person, but he said my pleasure was his reward. I made sure to send a thank you email when I returned home and again, do you think I got an acknowledgement? Nope.
So with all these ventures and typical conclusions, I decided to hold a pow-wow with my boys, the Men of the Panel. I really love these guys…..they are the best male friends any girl could have and their honest observations on what is going on is welcome, refreshing and most importantly, educational. Seriously, who wouldn’t want the opposite sex’s unbiased and objective view of what YOU could do to make yourself more attractive, desirable and better relationship material to others? Without further ado, here are the guys’ take on all that has gone down and what I can do to make the next time around better than the last.
Cuz: He is a male version of Morning Person. When I told him all that had been going on, he just shook his head and asked me WHERE do I find these fools? Apparently I have a nutcase magnet imbedded somewhere in my DNA and I am in need of a surgical procedure. Cuz feels I need to slow down and chill….so what if Him is married? That is no indication of happiness and what I want to concentrate on right now is making sure I am not running around fucked up, fucking other people over. I have nothing to prove to anyone and I need to stop telling men I am open-minded and non-judgmental…..that is a green light to every online idiot with pent up issues and perverted desires to just dump his shit on my doorstep. As for the entire Him fiasco…..Cuz thinks that maybe he needs to pack up his Witch Doctor kit complete with masks, herbs and a spell book to help offset whatever spell Him is under right now. While Cuz (and Morning Person) are the only ones who feel that Him will never find the courage to return for even a sincere, heartfelt apology, Cuz is the only Panel member right now who would hear Him out as to his side of the story….if the man would ever tell us. However, he chose to lie to us and throw me under a moving bus so we are sticking with the theory that every dog has his day and trust and believe….that man will get exactly what he deserves if he is not already reaping what he has sown.
Chef: Yes, he is crazy and slowly trying to drive me insane but it’s okay. He is a good friend and we cannot abandon him now. According to Chef, my solution is I need to approach every potential guy as a financial arrangement as I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and when I fall for someone, I fall hard and can go overboard. A financial arrangement keeps boundaries in place and emotions in check, and the best part? IF my feelings are reciprocated 100% , the arrangement part can fall by the wayside. Which makes sense….it is easier to get a guy to stop payments in the middle of a relationship versus start payments. As far as the one night stand….it was good to stretch my wings and feel another’s touch, but time to start getting serious with the process and with me. When it comes to the Him situation, Chef firmly believes the man will return to me, divorce or no….our history, our chemistry, the understanding, acceptance and crazy, passionate sex is still there between us and just below the surface; he says we will not be able to resist the pull….he will be contrite and willing to jump through hoops, I will be softhearted and I will weaken and take him back…and if that happens…Chef and I will have our own financial arrangement as he will only be available as a rent-a-friend.
Buddy: I love Buddy….he says that there is no end for Him and I….just starts and stops. And no, that is NOT the reason I love Buddy….I love Buddy because he is so real and honest and is not hurtful or harmful with it. Buddy thinks I need to dumb it down. According to Buddy, I am too attractive and too intelligent for the majority of men….couple that with my honesty and lack of game playing skills and I have a disaster on my hands. Men like to feel in control and powerful and I already have one strike against them in that arena….I am a tall glass of water built to hold all the sexiness and curves I possess, and men are immediately intimidated by that. Buddy says that men will always be attracted to me ….either my beauty and personality will draw them in or their curiosity will get the better of them. In order for me to catch AND keep a man worthy of me….stay offline (as if the real world is any better…those dudes online are the same ones in the real world!) and gradually present my many gifts and charms.
Policeman: Policeman says I give him the most grief, and while I don’t think I do, I can see his point. As the only married man on the Panel, I ask Policeman the tough questions. I think he takes them personally but I keep telling him not to….I am not judging or condemning…I am trying to understand. I ask him questions like if guys are not willing to change their situation, why are they willing to jeopardize it by cheating? His response: WHO thinks they will get caught? Good point. So, I send the wedding picture to the Panel and Policeman was one of the few who did not respond with their opinion…..Quiet One said nothing because she is still in disbelief, Bell Pepper said a picture says a thousand words so her two or three little words made no difference and Policeman….he was scared to talk to me because who KNEW how I would react?? My calm demeanor was certainly a surprise and a relief to my friend and he told me first that any man who is the recipient of my love is the luckiest man in the world and he prayed daily for a woman to love him the way I love(d) Him. Policeman’s take on the fiasco is Him really is mentally deficient and I need to remember that, the union will not last a year and I need to make sure I am emotionally stable and able to stand by the declarations I am making now about not recycling this particular relationship. As for the one night stand/dating situation….I am not ready. I am still vulnerable and am settling for men who are less than in an attempt to prove myself sexy and worthy….but I am doing so with guys I do not find sexy and worthy and if that wasn’t the stupidest thing he ever heard of, he doesn’t know what is. His advice: just sit back, process and cultivate some patience. Oh, his advice for the next relationship?? Stop taking people at face value.
Weekend Phone Friend: No one has really heard of this guy….he is like a male version of Queen Bee. We have been friends since the days of Married Man and still he is not on the Panel, per se. If I had to give him a title, it would be Outside Contractor because he has a crazy, jealous wife and works too many days/hours and to be available the way I would need him to be should I officially place him on the Panel. So we talk on Friday and Saturday nights every weekend except for holidays, family emergencies and beach weekend. I should call him my Pity Party Partner because I cry to him ( he says it hurt him so badly when he heard me cry over Him) and ask him the questions like: why am I the one and done girl? Why can’t ANY man see what I am or DO they see me and find lacking? Weekend Phone friend tells me that my problem is I settle for guys who are beneath me…every time…..but because of what I have been through, I tend to give these guys attributes they never possessed and they cannot keep their pretenses up but for so long. According to Weekend Phone Friend, I am beautiful, sexy, so intelligent I could be a scholar, sexual and kinky…..a combination even the best looking, most confident guy would have trouble handling, and I am expecting these loser assholes to appreciate. I ask him will I always be alone and will I ever find a quality relationship? He says of course not and yes, I will…and here is where he floored me….he said Him would be the one to give it to me. Yes, Him is stupid, crazy and 40 varieties of messed up, but underneath there has always been genuine caring (present fiasco excluded) and we still have our connection….once the man finds out the grass isn’t greener, he will be ready and able to sustain something of quality and lasting with me. NOT what I want to hear….I want a different caliber of man and a different standard of relationship. I want to know where I stand at all times with my partner and I do not want to have to feel insecure or jealous of all who walk the streets. And here is Weekend Phone Friend shut me up: I doubt his theory that Him could learn to be all that I need him to be once he sees what he had with me, but I fully expect to find all I just outlined on Craigslist or online period. Okay. His advice: heal some more. Grow some more. Meet new people and let friendships develop and grow, forgive Him and myself and the next chapter will find me.
Well, here we are at the conclusion of the trilogy and playing catch-up. I just hope it has been as interesting to read as it was to actually live out. Morning Person says sometimes being friends with me is exhausting and all of this drama could be avoided if I stopped picking up the strange strays, bringing them home and keeping them against the advice and wishes of others. I tell her if I did that, how BORING would my life be? But I have learned lessons and it is evident: I am being more selective and no more exerting efforts and energy with ones who cannot/will not/do not reciprocate. I am learning to shelve expectations in order to avoid disappointments (but not too many expectations…..you have to keep some standards) and every day I process, I am healing and getting stronger and healthier.
I also know that dating is out for me at this point in time….the men in this area are not willing to expend any effort at all short of posting an online ad. They do not want to converse, date/dine or even meet. Seriously. I read an ad from a guy who claimed to be handsome, fit, single, blah blah blah who kept seeing all these fit and active women in the real world and wondered were there any on Craigslist….if so, email him and they could hook up RIGHT NOW. How sad is that?? He SEES the women in the real world and it is too much of an effort to say hello. Seriously? And when/if you actually DO meet, they do not have enough manners to at least acknowledge your presence once they get what they want (or don’t get it) and then you are wondering: should I have done this or that, or maybe I shouldn’t have done it….and really, a man who cannot say please, thank you or you’re welcome is not worth the angst and uncertainty that already accompanies dating. I am trying NOT to lump all guys into the same category, but I am seeing for myself that it doesn’t matter if you have known a guy 6 years or 6 hours…they are all pretty much disrespectful, inconsiderate and fucked up and I have enough of my own fucked up to last a lifetime.
My boys gave me some great advice….and I will try to follow it as best I can. Process, heal and grow. Be less honest and accommodating and hold out for quality. Heed the warning signs when they pop up and stop excusing behaviors in men I would not excuse in others. Apply the brakes, temper the understanding and stop being so accepting. It is going to be hard to hide all I am and all I offer, but I will try….I have it saving me a lot of grief, heartache and headache down the road.
I think the next blog post will be Loving You, Losing Me, we will get to know Meredith Grey and I think a tribute to the Panel is due really soon. Thanks for reading and I’ll be back sooner than you think.