I should be preparing for the beach trip….hell in less than 24 hours the girls will be here to pick me up. I am so not packed, the house is a wreck and I am still wearing the outfit I wore to work. I am feeling a little better after venting in Sympathy, Empathy and Stuck on Being Stupid and if it came across as harsh or accusatory…..I apologize. I am angry, confused and frustrated and I am sure that came across in the posting….Oscar read it and said she was taking nothing personally and loved me for my honesty.
One would think that with all that is happening, the confusion would clear, pain would lessen and with my new distraction all would be well. The guy is definitely good looking (Morning Person says he is “alright looking”, New Mommy says I have done worse and Cuz says the dude is crazy as hell and to run), sexy and he knows all the right things to say. I am going to call him Adam’s Housecat because honestly, after 3 days of chatting, I know about as much about him as I do Adam’s housecat….and did Adam even have a housecat? In any case, this guy who came out of nowhere and whom I may never meet (this IS Craigslist) is my Next Great Disaster if we do meet, and I see it happening already. I really do and I am so starved for attention and validation at this point in time, I am willing to ignore all the red flags that are popping up like zits.
First, we met on Craigslist…I answered his ad; do NOT ask me why. The title was certainly eye-catching: I am Tall, You are Fat and I figured what did I have to lose. He liked bigger women, and I liked taller men….besides, what are the chances he would respond back? Okay, does ANYONE remember me promising that if I were not pregnant I would sit still, be patient and let the process do what it needs to do? Did I not say I would not put myself back out there because I am not ready for anything? In any case, I answered and after a couple of days, he responded back with some light banter and said if I were interested, he would love to hear from me again….and so it began. The tone of his email changed though when I expressed an interest in perhaps taking it slowly…..he said it would be an honor to get to know me, going slowly was fine with him and he was pleased I was educated (and where do people get that from?? I NEVER say I am a college graduate…..I guess some degree of intelligence and writing ability makes anyone a product of higher education) as he needed a woman who recognized that what he said was in her best interests….he wanted to be the one to make all the decisions: what I wore, what I cooked and he wanted to get inside my mind and make me his “property” and eventually, if we became long term and exclusive, he would be my “property” also and I could take any liberty I wanted with him. Okay, I am having an issue with the word “property” and when I expressed this to Buddy, he told me at least dude was putting it out there….once two people become a couple, the first words out of their mouths expresses ownership: “my man”, “my wife”….then Buddy advised (and quite strongly) against doing anything further with this guy.
Adam’s Housecat and I exchanged pictures and while I found him extremely attractive ( in my Spring Cleaning post, I described as a mix of Keanu Reeves, Charlie Sheen and a dash of crazy) he was either deadly serious or maybe he is not a good kind of crazy….Oscar LOVES him and has stated if I do not meet with him, she will. He said he found me attractive, sexy and with a great attitude. I must admit, his being younger and dominant is quite a turn-on for me (he is Daddy and I am his Little Girl) but the red flags are there: he can only email during work hours…he says in the evenings he has other activities and prefers to actually live life versus talking about living life. Girlfriend and I have him being attached. We work within 3 blocks of each other but he has not suggested lunch, Starbucks or a face to face meeting. We have not exchanged phone numbers, yet we have sent each other suggestive photos. He asked me if I liked him and the pictures he sent; if I didn’t, he would beg me to take him on as a submissive. Yet, when I ask him would I be the only one, he says it is too early in the relationship to talk exclusivity but I definitely held sway in that determination. But I say it is too early to call it a relationship.
And on my end there are mixed signals….I say I want to go slowly but we discuss sex…a lot. I say I have no expectations, but I am too eager to get an email from him; I told him I needed him to be a distraction and I more than likely am using him to take my mind off another man….and still we email. When I asked him would he miss me while I was at the beach, he told me he did not know what he would do without his sweet sub for three whole days. He wanted me to stay in town so he could spend the weekend showing me how desirable I am, all the while making his name a prayer on my lips. He has revealed kinky fantasies to me….and I wonder HOW I get men to tell me this shit….seriously. Maybe I am too open and open minded or have researched too much of the wrong subject…who knows? Every man I have been with reveals all this kinky shit to me and while I indulged Him in his….not sure if I could indulge another.
The man has told me that my “massive amounts of flesh” excite him and he wants me more than he should….and I am like….really? Massive amounts of flesh….that is a compliment? I have flipped the tables on him during our conversations and he has freely admitted he has no idea who is in charge anymore, and I tell him he is the one in charge….my dominance is simply an extension of his teaching me how to please him…..and at this point I have no idea where the games and role-play end and reality begins. It is like Tike, the guy I blogged about in 9 ½ Weeks—Poor Man’s Edition…except this time I am not just lonely…I am hurt, lonely, angry and vulnerable. I am not being fair to me or to this guy….no way can I release all the emotions locked inside on him and no way can I lock them away and just have fun….I will saddle him with unfulfilled expectations and unwarranted accusations and insecurities and this is whether we remain online or bring this into the real world. And who in the HELL knows what the fuck he is bringing with him?? I have found that the guys who find me attractive and are attracted to me are fucked up either emotionally or mentally, but Adam’s Housecat tells me that he is a different caliber of man….he has no drama, and will only bring me fun, enhancement and will take excellent care of me in all ways.
Did I mention Oscar LOVES him and thinks this could be my very own 9 ½ Weeks?; Morning Person has stated that it has to stay a chat session but Artsy Craftsy is against the idea completely. It is moving too quickly and in too many directions for her and she wants to disable my internet. I have no idea what to do….I cannot go on another roller coaster ride right now, if ever and while we both can still walk away with no hard feelings, I like the attention this man gives me. I still have the ache in my heart and my head….but Adam’s Housecat gives me a ray of sunshine in my dark and cloudy world. When I see his emails, I am smiling and wondering what he has to say this time and that is not good…not at this point in time; he says he has come to expect to come into work and see an email from me….but what are we doing with each other? What will we do TO each other?
Okay, it is after midnight, and I have done nothing but smoke cigarettes and blog. I am going to bed so I can get up early and get ready to hit the road in the morning. I am going to spend the weekend taking in the sound of the ocean, getting love, support and laughter from my girlfriends and try to get my perspective back….and hope Adam’s Housecat emails me during the drive down.