I have so many thoughts in my head….I want to talk, vent and blog but I do not know how to say these thoughts, which thoughts to say and where to begin this post? Well, since I call it Spring Cleaning, I guess I will start with the weather. The temperatures are rising, the sun is warmer and lasting longer into the evening and the cold harsh winds of winter have given way to softer breezes. I am leaving the porch door open more often to freshen the house and let some clean air in….time to clean and clear out the clutter of fall and winter to make way for the warm freshness of spring and summer….and I have it being more than house cleaning and changing over the closet.
First thing around here being cleared/cleaned is my reproductive system as Mother Nature has made her appearance. YAAAY I have NEVER been so happy to see her in my entire life! I told Girlfriend today that Mother Nature can stay as long as she wants and however long it takes her to do what she do is fine with me. Cuz was hungover (when I finally told him what was going on with me as far as a possible baby, he got drunk) but happy; then he asked would I still be as busty when it was all over. Morning Person breathed a sigh of relief and told me to NEVER put her through this again, and Oscar is just happy. Quiet One says she knew all along I was not pregnant but I have her being happy that I am not going to be tapping her for babysitting duty. The only two not happy are Mini-Me who thought a baby would be the best distraction from Him and Bell Pepper who is saying we can try again….and I am looking at her as if she has lost what two brain cells she has left. We can definitely have another Panel baby…KBugg will need playmates her own age…..but there are so many other more qualified candidates: Artsy Craftsy, Girlfriend, Oscar, New Mommy (maybe) ….hell, even Buddy is a candidate as he does have a significant other. So yes, another baby on the Panel is an option…me having it is not.
Domestically, I am trying to get the house in order. I am really starting to think I look at my apartment the way I see myself at this moment in time….skewered and off-kilter. I vacuum every day now, shampoo the carpet every 2-3 days (not professionally—I use the Woolite spray and stick and scrub it as best I can), I bleach the bathroom and kitchen twice a day, and use a wet swiffer on the floors at least every other day. I dust what I can see, but have too many books, DVDs, pictures, knickknacks and CDs to move everything off the shelves and dust deep down. My baseboards need attention and I never seem to keep the huge mirror clean enough but whenever company comes over and I tell them how horrible my house is and to please overlook it, they look at me as if I were crazy. But to me, it is as if no matter how hard I try and work at it….the house is just not up to par. Not sure what yardstick I am measuring it by, but perhaps I need to step back and lower my expectations. I have switched a few items around but it is a studio and I have the furniture not being moved….it took everything I had and almost 7 years to get it the way it is now so there is not much more that I can think of right now in the way of home improvements short of coming across a cool $100,000. I am quite sure a therapist or psychiatrist would have a field day with my constant cleaning /home improvement efforts and constant disappointment with the results; I have me taking my meds on a regular basis and remembering where the hell I came from. Willing to bet when compared to a crack house, my place looks like Buckingham Palace and twice as clean.
Emotionally, I am trying to hold it together but I have cried every day since I found out Him is getting married this week. Perhaps I am my own worst enemy but this fiasco has been a train wreck from beginning to end that Him made me privy to and like a train wreck, I cannot seem to tear my eyes away until the last body has been carried away. I honestly thought I had accepted and come to terms with all that has happened and all I was told and felt would happen, but the hurt is so deep and painful it feels like I a reliving the heartbreak all over again. But maybe….I am crying and hurting so badly now because I have accepted my present reality; there is no future for him and I any longer and it has nothing to do with his getting married: like everyone else on the Panel, I really do not have this union lasting. In fact, I am the one who keeps putting out there that this woman really may be his ONE, and I get shot down every time by everybody. Even Morning Person (who will not speak on that statement) looks at me as if I have suddenly started speaking in German or something.
No, I have there being no future because I am not allowing it…..again, Panel members say he will return; I am living an age old story. Man has a good woman, takes her for granted, thinks the grass is greener on the other side and rather than tend to his own lawn, jumps ship; gets with another woman, it blows up in his face and he comes back to the good woman. Girlfriend, who hates him, says he will return…they always return. Morning Person thinks that the man had no courage to come around when things were good and after this bullshit….he will never scrape up enough to try again. It does not matter….I do not have me forgiving or forgetting any of this shit. Ever. ALL of this could have been avoided if only he had done the mature thing, the responsible thing and talked to me and been truthful versus being sneaky, immature and a liar. There is no trust; there is no respect; there is nothing but negativity and hatred for him…somewhere there is a tiny piece of love for him and what we used to be, but it is so small now. I cannot wish him happiness or luck; I cannot say I want it to work out for him. What I want to say is that this is the first step on their journey together towards divorce court; what I want is for her to rip his heart out, serve it to him for dinner and leave him butt naked on the side of the road….where I would drive by, laughing and pointing at him. I want all of the emotions towards him gone, but it seems the more I process and accept things, there is another layer, another memory, another emotion ready to take its place. I honestly did not know I cared and loved this man so deeply, that I allowed myself to get so tangled up in him but Chef and Morning Person knew….they have always known but were on opposite ends: Chef encouraged me to go for it while Morning Person tried ( not very hard, I might add) to prevent it.
I want a distraction….I want someone or something to take my mind off of him, us, the present reality but I already know that I am not ready to let someone else in. I chatted a little bit with a guy from (where else?) Craigslist today….and it was as if he knew just what to say. It was an interesting conversation and what he wanted from me and for us….put it this way: you all know I am emotionally unhealthy and while undergoing this process am probably toxic; you also know Oscar is my emotional soulmate….Oscar was begging me to get with this guy and she wanted it for me; given Oscar’s issues and what she has been through recently, her stamp of approval is enough to get the other Panel members to veto the idea and commit us both a psychiatric facility. I don’t want to face this, I no longer want to process…I want to lose myself in this young, sexy guy who looks like a cross between Keanu Reeves, Charlie Sheen and a dash of crazy. I want him to take me, dominate me, use me…..I want to get lost in someone who is all Him is not to avoid facing what is happening. I do not want to spring clean emotionally…if my emotions were a house, I want to sweep the debris under the rug to give the illusion of it being clean. Mind you, the house is not clean at all…the same dirt is there, just in a different place; and I cannot do that. I cannot use transference to get over this; I have to face it and I have to go through this to get over it.
So while I may have started spring cleaning the house, I have to buckle down, stick the path and focus on my emotional spring cleaning. I need to stop hoarding and start purging; I am trying to let go and move forward as much as I can and I have me no longer rushing things because of some discomfort or because people say get over it; they are not me and they are not the ones going through this. Time to stop pleasing people and heal myself completely so I can have a new beginning and a fresh start; if I want a different caliber of man in my life and a different standard of relationship….it starts with the change in me….and even my horoscope agrees: it told me to attend to the small details and let the big picture take care of itself. There is nothing wrong with me, only with the last choice I made and that it is a big step towards healing but it is necessary as I cannot take past hurts and resentments into new relationships.
So I will cry and hurt and process and accept….and eventually I will heal. I will keep the focus on myself and off the distractions. I will know that what I feel is what I feel and that where I am is where I am supposed to be…and anyone who cannot understand or accept that can go fuck themselves, kick rocks, and keep moving because no matter how long it takes, it is time to clean house and heart.