I call this post Whiny Bitch because while this is my blog and I can moan and vent all I want, it still feels like I am whining. Things have happened this week that I should be both grateful and fully prepared for; I feel I should be more understanding towards others, yet all I see is utter stupidity, last minute plans falling apart and a worst case scenario coming to fruition. This blog post is pretty much going to be all over the place and cover a lot of ground….it has been a helluva week and I am glad to see it end. To give you an idea of how stressful the week has been, Morning Person came over this weekend for breakfast and a therapy session, Girlfriend is willing to give up a night out with Little Marine so we can have a date night and Quiet One offered to treat me to the movies if I made it to her side of the world. Hell, even Oscar came out of her dark place to offer her ear and her shoulder. All I want is my bed, some chocolate and a combination Grey’s Anatomy/Law & Order: SVU marathon on the television.
I am going to start with the ever looming government shutdown…..I am not a government employee but I am a federal government contractor. When the shutdown talks first started up, my agency had a meeting with everyone and we were told who would be safe and who would not; for once, your girl (that’s me!) was on the safe list. In the event of a government shutdown, I would still report to work and work 40 hours a week as my contract was under some type of supplemental funding. Well, YAY me….for once, I will be unaffected by a layoff/shutdown. I will be amongst the chosen ones……not true. While I was running around busting my ass Friday to ensure that loose ends were tied up and contingency plans were in place for my supervisors who would be furloughed were in place, meetings were being held and lists being revised; when I called the department director at 4pm to find out where to report Monday in the event of a shutdown, THAT is when I was informed I was no longer on the safe list. At first, I was in total disbelief….for over a month all I heard was I was safe….now I wasn’t. I asked her straight out was this her way of letting me go permanently from the contract but she assured me…no, no, no. Revisions had been made after another review of the supplemental funding and basically only one department was deemed essential so only the contractors in that department would be staying onboard during the shutdown.
Well, that definitely made sense and after checking with the temp agency and finding out my contract had been extended until July, I started thinking of the benefits of a brief shutdown…..sleeping in later, catching a matinee, maybe a museum or two. It was sounding wonderful to me and the best part? It was a furlough, NOT a layoff so that meant it would last at most 3 weeks; people would still receive at least one paycheck during the time off and at some point in time, people would return to their jobs. I would be able to survive that…hell, I have survived worse….then Congress reached a deal. So instead of sleeping in on what promises to be the most gorgeous day of the year and catching a matinee flick followed by yummy pasta….I will be at my desk trying to get a jump on my supervisors’ May calendars. I know I should be grateful…..I would be able to live versus survive by not missing a paycheck, but all I can think is if you want something to give, tell me I am affected by it if it doesn’t and let me make plans.
The baby issue: we STILL don’t know what the hell is going on. The first test (which I botched) was positive and I did take two more tests, which were negative. So, that should answer the question, right? Yet, I still have NO sign of my cycle, am constantly fatigued and even though I am still on my quasi-diet and eating more than proportionately with no sodas, fried foods and minimal red meat and junk food, I am gaining weight…and my lower left abdomen is slightly swollen. I also get FAMISHED every 3-4 hours….not hungry, but ravenous as if my last meal were last week sometime. Girlfriend (bless her heart) is on my level of panic here….we are hoping for a thyroid condition, menopause…anything but preggers. She, Morning Person and myself are in agreement that a doctor’s visit is in order….professional opinions and help is needed at this point. I still cannot believe I did everything right and still got caught up in some bullshit, but Morning person says ALL of this could have been avoided had I put a lid on the committee in my head…..and I have to agree with her. I proved nothing to no one except what I knew and have been saying all along is correct: I am NOT ready for anything with anyone on any level, not even platonic as I am not up to putting myself out there in any capacity.
Bell Pepper is getting on my nerves…I love her to death and think she is sweet as hell, but seriously, the girl seems to have blinders GLUED to the sides of her head. User Dude has shown himself to be just beyond belief in my opinion: for his birthday, Bell Pepper brought the man breakfast and lunch, then turned around and got his office mates together for a small party complete with cake, punch, cards and presents. Do you think the man parted his lips to say thank you to her or anyone else? Do you think he took the time to send a generic email to thank everyone for remembering his birthday in such a thoughtful manner? The answer to both questions is: NO. What he DID do is tell Bell Pepper she needed to send out thank you cards on his behalf and to top it off? He gives her his buddy’s phone number…says he has told him all about her and thinks they will make a good couple. The woman was devastated and I do not blame her…. even the fools I end up giving my heart to aren’t that damned callous…and she left work to come to my office to talk and cry before heading home. I held her and soothed her; I cursed him and asked her if she had talked to him since he did that. She says she told him that if the dude called her, she would know where she stood with User Dude, and here is where I should have been more tactful and understanding. I told her that was the stupidest shit I ever heard…it was akin to me telling Him that if he marries the BTH, I know where we stand. You already KNOW where you stand…..he gave you another man’s number for crying out loud and based on her statement, he gave dude hers. Bell Pepper did not get upset by my words though…she told me I was correct, hugged me and then headed home. Then the next day she calls me at work and asks me would I help User Dude update his resume and I went off….I told her no fucking way was I helping a guy who did not give a flying fuck about her or anyone else other than himself and she was a damned fool to continue to help him or in any way let him think there was anything left between them. He has a live-in girlfriend and only has his job because she puts her work on hold to help him keep it. I told her to focus on her, her job and her son and there was no way in hell I was allowing her to let that dude use me….I can find a user dude all on my own, thankyouverymuch…I did not need to share hers. Her only response? “Apparently, this is not a good time to ask you.” I have no idea what to say or do with her at this point…but if I had allowed any of my relationships to start out this way, they never would have happened. They may end up that way, but damned if they start that way.
Artsy Craftsy called this week….and I was SOOOOO happy and excited to hear from her. Our communications have been sporadic at best since she moved over to Island II….phone calls at work are frowned upon at Island II and after work, by the time we get home after traffic congested commutes and 8+ hours of working hard to meet deadlines, we really are not in the mood to talk. Dinner has to be prepared, clothes set out for the next day and calls to family….it gets crazy and with everything being pretty quiet on both our ends, a quick email during the day has sufficed. In any case, she called to give me the news first: Him is getting married April 15th, one day after his birthday. It hurts so badly, and all I want to do is burn his house down. I would clear everyone else out…the kids and even the BTH; hell, I have her thanking me if she took a life insurance policy out on the man….but I would burn him and his house to the ground if I could. (Oh, here is an interesting therapy fact: fire represents rage.) See, I had a bad time last weekend…..for some reason melancholy and missing him took over me so strong, I drafted him a letter….it is perhaps the most honest letter I have ever written concerning us, and I cried ALL night after writing it…..I was so depressed and drained, I called out from work two days straight. I was planning on taking Tuesday, but after not drifting off to sleep until almost 4am Monday morning, I knew that day was on the list also. I did nothing special….laid in the bed and stared at the ceiling, missing him so badly I could taste him. And now he is getting married to another…for real. I want to cry because of the hurt and pain and when Artsy Craftsy told me, she asked was I okay. I told her I was fine, but she knew better. We trash talked him and her, she told me I was simply too good for him, period and when I asked if I could curse him out one last time, she said she would help me do it.
Morning Person tried to be nonchalant about the news but she heard the hurt in my voice and told me she would be over to have a long talk; Girlfriend felt so badly and told me to curse him out good…after all, this would be my last communication to him. Ever. She offered to do date night with me the day of the wedding, but I am actually doing my annual beach trip with Morning Person, Busy Bee and Mini-Me; she told me to have a long vent session with them and when I hit the beach….forget him. I can pick up the memories and pieces upon my return, but to just make the beach weekend about me and my future. Quiet One still does not believe it and neither does New Mommy….they both say even if he goes through with it, they do not think it is for love and definitely, it will not last. Cuz and Chef are being quietly supportive and encouraging me to not send the letter…don’t sink to his level; be strong, mature and classy. After all, he is the fool here…but I think I am the fool. I still love him and whatever I did, I must have done it wrong because he is giving this chick all and more he said he could not give me. He left me and took ALL of the relationship with it….we do not even have a friendship left and that is what is so fucked up to me….I was unworthy of a goodbye and our friendship meant less than zero to him. Hell, I even told my mother and she asked how did I feel, and I was honest: I hope they make each other miserable as fuck and they both rot in hell. My mother told me to stop beating up on myself as it is not me at all; the man is old, stupid and mentally deranged: he was born dumb, he will die dumb and in between he will do dumb things. Morning Person says that at least it shows that being with me has matured him in some way and do I really want a man who is so fucked up he is committing himself to a woman who is and has all he claims not to want? She says if it is meant to be, he will return but perhaps I was attaching long term expectations to a short term plan. Bottom line….no one knows what he thought or is thinking; we have no handle on his reasoning and logic and all I can do is pick up the pieces and move forward….and all they can do is help me.
You know, before I wrote this blog, I was napping. In my dream, I was on an elevator with a man I could not see. I was naked with a purse and a glass of wine and the man spoke. He said, “When I exit this elevator I walk into my future.” I said, “Your future is in your past” and he responded with, “Same for you. See you soon.” And then he left….and I woke up with that statement ringing in my ears. I am not reading anything into it….it is only a dream and more than likely a projection of my subconscious wishes. So I will rest tonight, be incredibly domestic tomorrow and maybe blog again before the weekend is over. I will call Bell Pepper to make sure she has not done anything too crazy and check in with Panel members to make sure we are all doing the best we can. We will talk soon, and thanks for letting me be a whiny bitch this time around.