(Stay Tuned For) Developing Stories

Okay, there is so much going on right now with Panel Members, it is making my head spin, and honestly it could be that it is not so much that is going on but the emotional and mental magnitudes that come with these situations that is both tiring and trying. If this blog were a newscast, the following situations would be termed “developing stories” which we would follow up with as soon as more details become available; I wonder if  I should call them “breaking news” but “breaking news” is attributed to newsworthy events that are unexpected, such as a plane crash, fire or perhaps a political scandal OR to newsworthy events that occur close to a new outlet’s usual deadline. I have me sticking with “developing stories” as these situations are not unexpected, so without further ado, below are some situations which we will follow up with as necessary for your reading pleasure.

Girlfriend: Okay, this IS “breaking news”. With all the unhealthiness and drama surrounding the Panel, the story of Girlfriend and Little Marine was a breath of fresh air and a romantic movie come to life. A connection made when one least expected it; despite the heroine’s misgivings and protests, the young hero valiantly strives to break down the walls around her heart. He takes her out, they hang out, he has met her friends.  They talk, email and text constantly. He spent her birthday with her…..despite herself, the heroine finds herself melting and realizing that this guy really IS that into her and is ready to fling insecurities aside and give in to abandon. He cooks dinner for her, they have THE discussion and both admit to being monogamous and feeling a little more than they should. Then, the  hero gets sick and is all snarky and snippy with the heroine, who is feeling something  in her gut, but she is doing her best to ignore it. He ‘s just sick, is all. BUT, (and this is the “breaking news” part) the heroine finds out via Facebook (I swear, most evil thing ever!) that her brand new, monogamous Knight in Shining Armor has been  spending time and sucking face (we are hoping that is all)  with some other chick who is posting for all to see that SHE is the one in a relationship with our hero, and she is so sorry she got him all sick and germy. The heroine is devastated…not two days before all this happened she is telling her friends how great this is and how she is ready to admit to the world she is in a relationship and it feels good to have a healthy one for a change. And the hero is proving himself to be as stupid as anything out there as he has both women as friends on his page. To add insult to injury, Girlfriend is also dealing with the Ex….the one who dumped her to get engaged to the Barely Legal girl with children who was all he said he didn’t want. In any case, in that camp, there is something going on about a restraining order, a broken engagement and it has resulted in Girlfriend getting a 2am text from the Ex….begging her to come pick him up from some godforsaken place as he is too drunk to make it home. When Girlfriend asked him why he was calling/texting her for a ride (she is SO not Taxi on Demand), he says Girlfriend left him, NOT the other way around and he forgives her for that. So Girlfriend is dealing with Crazy, Stupid and Heartbreak….stay tuned for further developments.

Adam’s Housecat: This could very well be the last we hear of this story….it seems to have developed its way onto the cutting room floor. Okay, first dude did not email me at all during the drive down to Ocean City. Then when I return Monday, he says he was “preoccupied” but he missed me so much.  He feels that we are getting too serious and that I was willing to put myself out there for a person I had never met face to face. I explained to him that fun and flirting was not what I would deem “putting myself out there”….we were staying online for now and if he did not want to get to know someone, why place an ad? He then confesses to being married ( like I did not already figure that one out….unable to email except during work hours?) and that he was not that tall. So even more red flags….the man who claims to be a different caliber of man is nothing more than a fake, phony and a liar. I told him I appreciated his honesty. Then he revealed even more of his kinky side/desires/fantasies to me. He told me I was hot and sexy and he wanted me to be his and to both teach him and learn from him. Then he emails saying he is headed to the Starbucks less than half a block from my building ( he was supposed show up the first week we were emailing, but thought it was “hotter” to just walk past and then email me he was walking past) ….he would email once he was outside and we could go grab a refreshing drink….I told him I would be ready.

Then there was silence….until the receptionist called me at my desk to tell me I had a visitor and it was Adam’s Housecat!! I was floored….I was too shocked to realize that this really was creepy in a way. I put on lipstick, dabbed on some perfume and lotioned my hands so they would not be ashy and went into the conference  room, which is where I told the receptionist to put him. I was nervous as HELL but the look on his face was one I had not seen in a long time. He told me I was prettier and sexier than my pictures would suggest and I was wanting to say the same thing about him, but honestly….I couldn’t. He is definitely not tall, and thinner than his picture suggested. He has gorgeously colored eyes but they are either excessively puffy or he has bags,  great smile and a low, sexy voice but body wise….I need something to hold onto…fat or muscles, it makes no difference but I can see him being pale, pasty and just thin naked. His personality is forceful though and something primitive in me is drawn to that. We made small talk and he told me he could see us spending lots of time together and he hoped I wanted that also. According to him, he would make the time for us to have lots and lots of fun. I told him just showing up was a total surprise and isn’t that what people in a regular relationship did…show up unannounced to surprise their partner? He just smiled and took my hand. Then he said he needed to get back to the office and would I be so kind as to walk him outdoors, and I agreed. Once we were on the elevator, he pushed me against the wall, and kissed me. Deeply, forcefully and with lots of tongue, all the while grabbing, groping and feeling all over my body. And Sweet Jesus….I LOVED it! By the time we reached the lobby, he had straightened my clothes and I was breathing hard and feeling like a schoolgirl.

He emailed me once he got back to his office and asked me to hook him up with the receptionist!! He did not want her the way he wanted me but he found her pretty and wanted to see her and touch her. Once I did that, then he and I could be together. And I was done…..rejected AGAIN for someone not even on my level if I gained 500 more pounds, and the thing with Adam Housecat is….he really saw nothing wrong with that. Newsflash, dude: being dominant does not give you license to be rude or disrespectful. I guess this is where the fact that we aren’t in a relationship and I would not be the only one is supposed to kick in….but this idiot had the nerve to say I BROUGHT the receptionist into our relationship when I sent her to fetch him from the lobby. Again, WHAT relationship?? And if this is what I had to look forward to in a relationship with him…forget it. He has no idea what or who he wants and I do not have me on pins and needles wondering who he meets or interacts with during the day.  I told him no way was I doing that and if he wanted her, he knew where she worked. And he and I have not emailed since…..Oscar asks about him and I do wonder what he is doing but I say he is indulging in his kinky fantasies while envisioning the receptionist’s tits. I did tell the receptionist about it (she thought he was hot and good looking) and she does not want this to affect our working relationship or be awkward in any way, and I tell it won’t, but I keep calling her a dumb heifer. I need to work on that…it is NOT her fault and I cannot take it out on her. So while it seems that this story has ended….I am stupid, he is delusional and we will just have to see what happens.

The Wedding: Did you people really think we were not going to see this one through to the end?? Really? Him is the reason for this blog and he has brought us along from the beginning for this farce of a relationship.  We will see this through until the end….whether it ends in a happily ever after or divorce court….this is a story the Panel will be following. And we know his life now is no longer our business, but he will make it our business. Trust that one. Our reporters on this story are Artsy Craftsy and Quiet One. Artsy Craftsy is returning to the Island next week (Island II was simply too much all the way around) and she says she can get us photos!! I am not sure how the girl does it, but she is tops. Seriously. Artsy Craftsy has found out that while the BTH looked nice in her wedding dress, she pretty much looked like a fat hooker coming out of retirement for the reception.

Quiet One, who has done an admirable job of holding things down in Artsy’s absence, has found out that Him dropped 100K or close to it on the affair; no one has heard about his daughters and their participation in the wedding. We did find out BTH needed a make-up artist  (I am trying not to be mean and say that is standard for brides these days, but I am shot down); the venue was held in the heart of PG County which makes it ghetto off the bat, but Quiet One says that the tables and decorations looked nice. Him’s “best man” who is actually a woman who wore all black (his oldest “friend”….seriously, I call her Queen of the Gold Diggers and Artsy does not like her, but Quiet One says the woman is “okay”) is strange and delusional also….she kept telling Quiet One how pretty the BTH looked and when Quiet One asked to see a picture…the chick pulls up the 20 year old picture  of the BTH that has her tits hanging over her dress and makes her look like an available hooker…..the picture that is her FB profile pic still and the one Him thinks makes me a “hater bitch”. The picture that outside observers say is “questionable” and half the Panel claims is that of a transsexual. Quiet One asked was this the wedding picture and then Best Man whips out her camera to show a picture of Him and BTH dancing at the reception, and in every picture, BTH had her face away from the camera, but Quiet One says that the woman is pretty big…she beeps when she backs up. Oh, and  according to the Delusionals,  BTH is either 36 or 38 ( NO ONE is swallowing that cock and bull story…and you have to see what we saw)  and this is her second marriage. So we are going to live our lives and when we hear things, we will share them. We are all waiting for the photos….but we are on Artsy Craftsy ‘s and her contact’s schedule. Stay tuned.

We have more stories that are in development: Bell Pepper and User Dude (they have “broken up”) and Oscar (when she is ready to tell it, we will) are the first two that come to mind. Morning Person is just shaking her head and popping Tylenols like peppermints, Chef is still working on the condo, Cuz is sane (for how long we do not know) and Buddy…I have NOT talked to my Buddy in a minute so I need to catch up with him. Now I am going to finish being domestic and write my next post…..I am torn between the conclusion to the Beach Trip ( that is deserving of its own post) and Loving You, Losing Me. Oscar wants Loving You and I have a couple of members interested in my take on the subject. In any case, SOMETHING will be posted tomorrow.

Happy Easter or Happy Resurrection Day…whichever you prefer!


The Beach Trip

So I have returned from my annual beach trip with  two of my oldest and  closest friends and Mini-Me….and it was the worst weekend ever. Seriously. I should have known it was going to be not what I expected because all week Mini-Me had been calling telling me what fun we were going to have and all she planned to do…which wasn’t much aside from eating and sleeping….and then she called Thursday afternoon saying she could not make it: something happened with her account and she had no money and for us to just go on without her. Well, I could not let that happen because she had paid her money 2 months in advance and frankly, I do not do refunds. Period. I called up Morning Person and Busy Bee and explained what was going on, and they took it with great humor….Mini-Me has drama EVERY year and Morning Person was surprised Mini-Me had let it come down to the 11th hour this year; we all pitched in to help the girl at least eat and perhaps pick up a souvenir or two.

The day of the beach trip comes and I am up and preparing. I was tired ( I was up until after 1am blogging about Adam’s Housecat) , headachy and had the stones in the pit of my stomach but I did what needed to be done: cleaned my kitchen and bathroom, vacuumed my rug and packed my clothes for the trip. I was even more or less ready when they came to pick me up ( they only had to wait 10 minutes as opposed to the half hour they usually do) and was determined to do what  I could to not make it a pity party.  I did not mention Him ONE TIME the entire weekend and I even bought the ladies cards to express my thanks for them being there for me while I try to get through this. In the car, we hug, make small talk and tease each other and they did not make any mention of Him or a wedding. It was a girls’ weekend and we were going to have fun.

 But Mini-Me said something that should have told me that this trip was NOT going to be smooth sailing….in this economy, NO ONE has any extra money for real, but when it comes to Panel Members and the Annual Beach Trip, we operate as a team and do what we can to help others out. I had asked Morning Person and Busy Bee both to contribute $20 to Mini-Me and I would donate $40; well, Morning Person actually donated more than what she had agreed to, and when I gave Mini-me my donation, she actually had the nerve to say that she probably had more money than me because we all gave her money and she had “forgotten” about her pre-paid debit card which had money on it and her “man” ( I am not putting it in quotes because I am jealous, bitter or hating….you have to know the story behind her “relationship”) was sending her $60 via Western Union…which he did (surprise, surprise)….but it wasn’t for her…he wanted her to bring him back some souvenirs. I did not say anything….I was going to overlook and rise above; but you know, with some people you cannot do that. To paraphrase Eddie Murphy, give some folks a rope, they want to be a cowboy.

Once on the highway, I asked the girls was I pretty and sexy…..there was a moment of silence as they tried to process what I was asking. It is amazing to Morning Person and Busy Bee that I do not see what they do when they look at me….but Mini-Me had NO problem answering, and her response was: we all are. BITCH, I am the one going through with depleted levels of everything “self”…..I am seeking my very own, personalized validation, not trying to make everyone feel better about themselves…just me. Yes, self-centered and petty but if I ask you if I am something, I want to know about ME, NOT you. Busy Bee was the only who got it…and let me re-phrase that….every chick in that car got what I was after; Morning Person was not just going to indulge me (she had just done it like 10 times the night before) and Mini-Me is the type who revels in another’s misery. Honestly, she does….but Busy Bee was the one who kicked off the “you are wonderful” parade. I love her.

Then, Mini-Me suggested playing some CDs she had with her….and I am thinking: road trip, trying to help a friend over her heartbreak….so I am thinking it is some Motown, some dance jams….something empowering like Mary J. Blige, Chaka Khan, even Whitney Houston. Hmmmm, no. This fat ass heifer wants to play a CD she calls Love Jones….and I KNEW I was not in the mood for love songs, so I put my music player in so I can hear some remixed Motown and Cee-Lo Green ( have you guys heard F%ck You? AWESOME!) However, Busy Bee and Mini-Me are either half deaf or were in on some scheme to deliberately torture me: they were playing songs like What Have I Done to Deserve Such Misery, If Loving is Wrong, I Don’t Want to Be Right and Thin Line Between Love and Hate. Morning Person tried to tell them I had my own music  so I was not listening and all Mini-Me kept on saying: turn it up, girl! I finally asked her WHY I could hear her music over mine when mine was at top volume? She looks at me with this really dumb ass look and asked what was wrong? And I was dangerously close to losing it…..I pretty much yelled at the entire car. What was wrong? For this NOT to be a pity party, I damned sure could not tell…the only things missing were a bottle of wine and a goddamned handkerchief.  What Have I Done to Deserve Such Misery….seriously???  I would not listen to songs that sad if I were healthy, balanced and had every man in America on my doorstep. AND the fucking music was still at top volume! So now, I was angry, hurting worse than ever and all the grass was a green as that of a golf course (where the wedding was held)….so all the thoughts I was trying to keep below the surface came crashing through and I was silently crying while staring at nothing out the window.

Needless to say tension was thick, and I refused to take responsibility for it. I had done more than my share…..even so far as bringing my own music so they could enjoy theirs, but noooo….I HAD to be fucked with…and Mini-Me had the NERVE to pat me on my thigh and tell me I looked terrible but she loved me anyway. Bitch, suck my big dick, why don’t you?  So Busy Bee suggests we stop, eat, and just regroup. We pull into a Wendy’s and while I am attempting to get out of the too small backseat, Morning Person shuts the car door on my fingers!! It really was an accident but at this point….they are all inconsiderate, insensitive bitches and I should have just stayed the hell home and held an actual pity party where I could cry, curse and scream to my heart’s content. I did not say a word while my fingers were held captive in the car door….not even to tell Morning Person to open the door. I was a victim and a martyr and here was the proof. It did not take Morning Person long to realize the reason I was no longer trying to get out of the car, and she quickly opened the door, asking me was I okay, were my fingers okay…..I just looked at her in a flat way and told her I have done worse to them. I think I hurt her feelings….all she said was she did not see my hand in the doorway and if I was okay, to suck it up and come get some food. At this point, calling New Mommy became a very real possibility….I just needed to get back over the bridge and we were less than 30 miles from her house.

I did not call New Mommy….I rode all the way to the beach not really talking to anyone trying to figure out how to salvage what was turning out to be the longest, worst road trip ever. And once we hit the beach, life got no better. It really didn’t, and I will elaborate on that more in another post. I am working on two right now: Developing Stories, which is about the new drama invading our lives and a follow-up on the story that birthed the blog and Loving You, Losing Me which should be self-explanatory and this is the post where I will elaborate further on the worst weekend ever.

Right now, it is getting late , my brain is slow and I need sleep. Stay tuned….the new posts will both be posted before the weekend is over. Have an awesome day, and we will talk very soon!

Adam’s Housecat

I should be preparing for the beach trip….hell in less than 24 hours the girls will be here to pick me up. I am so not packed, the house is a wreck and I am still wearing the outfit I wore to work. I am feeling a little better after venting in Sympathy, Empathy and Stuck on Being Stupid and if it came across as harsh or accusatory…..I apologize. I am angry, confused and frustrated and I am sure that came across in the posting….Oscar read it and said she was taking nothing personally and loved me for my honesty.

One would think that with all that is happening, the confusion would clear, pain would lessen and with my new distraction all would be well. The guy is definitely good looking (Morning Person says he is “alright looking”, New Mommy says I have done worse and Cuz says the dude is crazy as hell and to run), sexy and he knows all the right things to say. I am going to call him Adam’s Housecat because honestly, after 3 days of chatting, I know about as much about him as I do Adam’s housecat….and did Adam even have a housecat?  In any case, this guy who came out of nowhere and whom I may never meet (this IS Craigslist) is my Next Great Disaster if we do meet, and I see it happening already. I really do and I am so starved for attention and validation at this point in time, I am willing to ignore all the red flags that are popping up like zits.

First, we met on Craigslist…I answered his ad; do NOT ask me why. The title was certainly eye-catching: I am Tall, You are Fat and I figured what did I have to lose. He liked bigger women, and I liked taller men….besides, what are the chances he would respond back?  Okay, does ANYONE remember me promising that if I were not pregnant I would sit still, be patient and let the process do what it needs to do? Did I not say I would not put myself back out there because I am not ready for anything? In any case, I answered and after a couple of days, he responded back with some light banter and said if I were interested, he would love to hear from me again….and so it began. The tone of his email changed though when I expressed an interest in perhaps taking it slowly…..he said it would be an honor to get to know me, going slowly was fine with him and he was pleased I was educated (and where do people get that from?? I NEVER say I am a college graduate…..I guess some degree of intelligence and writing ability makes anyone a product of higher education) as he needed a woman who recognized that what he said was in her best interests….he wanted to be the one to make all the decisions: what I wore, what I cooked and he wanted to get inside my mind and make me his “property” and eventually, if we became long term and exclusive, he would be my “property” also and I could take any liberty I wanted with him. Okay, I am having an issue with the word “property” and when I expressed this to Buddy, he told me at least dude was putting it out there….once two people become a couple, the first words out of their mouths expresses ownership: “my man”, “my wife”….then Buddy advised (and quite strongly) against doing anything further with this guy.

Adam’s Housecat and I exchanged pictures and while I found him extremely attractive ( in my Spring Cleaning post, I described as a mix of Keanu Reeves, Charlie Sheen and a dash of crazy) he was either deadly serious or maybe he is not a good kind of crazy….Oscar LOVES him and has stated if I do not meet with him, she will. He said he found me attractive, sexy and with a great attitude. I must admit, his being younger and dominant is quite a turn-on for me (he is Daddy and I am his Little Girl)  but the red flags are there: he can only email during work hours…he says in the evenings he has other activities and prefers to actually live life versus talking about living life. Girlfriend and I have him being attached.  We work within 3 blocks of each other but he has not suggested lunch, Starbucks or a face to face meeting. We have not exchanged phone numbers, yet we have sent each other suggestive photos. He asked me if I liked him and the pictures he sent; if I didn’t, he would beg me to take him on as a submissive. Yet, when I ask him would I be the only one, he says it is too early in the relationship to talk exclusivity but I definitely held sway in that determination. But I say it is too early to call it a relationship.

And on my end there are mixed signals….I say I want to go slowly but we discuss sex…a lot. I say I have no expectations, but I am too eager to get an email from him; I told him I needed him to be a distraction and I more than likely am using him to take my mind off another man….and still we email. When I asked him would he miss me while I was at the beach,  he told me he did not know what he would do without his sweet sub for three whole days. He wanted me to stay in town so he could spend the weekend showing me how desirable I am, all the while making his name a prayer on my lips. He has revealed kinky fantasies to me….and I wonder HOW I get men to tell me this shit….seriously. Maybe I am too open and  open minded or have researched too much of the wrong subject…who knows?  Every man I have been with reveals all this kinky shit to me and while I indulged Him in his….not sure if I could indulge another.

The man has told me that my “massive amounts of flesh” excite him and he wants me more than he should….and I am like….really? Massive amounts of flesh….that is a compliment? I have flipped the tables on him during our conversations and he has freely admitted he has no idea who is in charge anymore, and I tell him he is the one in charge….my dominance is simply an extension of his teaching me how to please him…..and at this point I have no idea  where the games and role-play end and reality begins. It is like Tike, the guy I blogged about in 9 ½ Weeks—Poor Man’s Edition…except this time I am not just lonely…I am hurt, lonely, angry and vulnerable. I am not being fair to me or to this guy….no way can I release all the emotions locked inside on him and no way can I lock them away and just have fun….I will saddle him with unfulfilled expectations and unwarranted accusations and insecurities and this is whether we remain online or bring this into the real world. And who in the HELL knows what the fuck he is bringing with him?? I have found that the guys who find me attractive and are attracted to me are fucked up either emotionally or mentally, but Adam’s Housecat tells me that he is a different caliber of man….he has no drama, and will only bring me fun, enhancement and will take excellent care of me in all ways.

Did I mention Oscar LOVES him and thinks this could be my very own 9 ½ Weeks?; Morning Person has stated that it has to stay a chat session but Artsy Craftsy is against the idea completely. It is moving too quickly and in too many directions for her and she wants to disable my internet. I have no idea what to do….I cannot go on another roller coaster ride right now, if ever and while we both can still walk away with no hard feelings, I like the attention this man gives me. I still have the ache in my heart and my head….but Adam’s Housecat gives me a ray of sunshine in my dark and cloudy world. When I see his emails, I am smiling and wondering what he has to say this time and that is not good…not at this point in time; he says he has come to expect to come into work and see an email from me….but what are we doing with each other? What will we do TO each other?

Okay, it is after midnight, and I have done nothing but smoke cigarettes and blog. I am going to bed so I can get up early and get ready to hit the road in the morning. I am going to spend the weekend taking in the sound of the ocean, getting love, support and laughter from my girlfriends and try to get my perspective back….and hope Adam’s Housecat emails me during the drive down.

Sympathy, Empathy and Being Stuck on Stupid

I am going to address the two statements I seem to have heard throughout this entire fiasco: I feel your pain and move on, let it go, he is not worth it. Both statements are not meant to be mean or ugly…how could one even think that? They are meant to encourage, support and uplift. People say them to me to let me know I am not alone, I am better than NOT less than but they come across as patronizing and empty. Perhaps it is me being bitter, bitchy and ungrateful….perhaps my perspective on everything is off kilter and skewered and I am more fucked up than usual, but to the people who tell me these statements….I want to tell them to shut up, go away and depending on who is saying it…to go fuck themselves. So I am going to break it down the way I see it…..and frankly, you can love me, hate me or call me fucked up. All three have been done before and before I die, I have it all three happening at least once more.

I feel your pain: Do you really? I mean, you honestly feel MY pain, or do you know the pain YOUR situation caused you? Do you know what it is like to have self-confidence and self-esteem levels so low, it has taken you damn near your adult life, three years of therapy and medication to get to the point to tell people you have low levels of both? Do you have any idea of the work that went into getting me to even recognize that fact? Not admit it…recognize it. Do you know what it is like to have been ridiculed, teased or bullied throughout your childhood to the point where the only attention you received from the opposite sex was sexual molestation by a family member and you wanted the attention so badly, you actually began looking forward to it, and got jealous when you saw his attentions being given to another cousin? Do you know what it is like to be mid 40s and finally have that instantaneous attraction and chemistry with someone who understood you, accepted you and shared themselves with you? To finally, for the FIRST time in your life, freely give yourself to someone and not require some type of validation because being with them filled the voids and holes and brought light into the dark places?  Someone you could be yourself with without fear of judgment…and to see the person who does all this for you and all you want is to love them, hold them and be with them….leave without a goodbye, give it all to another and marry them within 6 months? He did so much more than leave me or dump me….the shit I went through, the work I had to put in and demons I had to face to even get to the point where I could be with any person on that level and to do so honestly and freely….this fiasco has torn down pretty much every bridge I built. At this point in time, the hardest thing to accept is the knowledge that the one I am in love with is in love with someone else.

Just as I will never know the pain of losing a child and have yet to experience the loss of a parent, no one will ever know the damage his careless, disrespectful and immature actions have caused. And what is worse is knowing that ALL of this could have been avoided had I not listened and believed the last time around….I KNEW we were better off as platonic friends but the attraction was still front and center, the chemistry bubbling right below the surface and I missed him. He fooled us all and in hindsight, I should have left it at that kiss in the hot tub and left; nooooo, I allowed my baser instincts to take over and opened the door all over again and probably wider than ever…(I have me learning and practicing some impulse control while going through this process) and now I do not even have the friendship…..I have been utterly and completely rejected by the one person I thought never would do so….and now I do not have me being honest or open with anyone else. I do not have me loving anyone or allowing them into my life unless they are here to pay a bill or in some way make my life easier for me…and loving a motherfucker who will only end up rejecting and leaving me is NOT making my life easier. So tell me…..do you still feel MY pain?

Move on/Let go/He is not worth it: I am not just going to talk about me here….I am going to talk about y’all too. That’s right…..you people who tell me to move on and let go as if I am mailing a goddamned letter or something instead of trying to hold my everything together and just make it through the day without screaming. You people who say you have let go, but….and Cuz is FAMOUS for that shit. Seriously. He will say I need to let go and move on (and my first question is: let go of what?? I am NOT holding onto Him by his shirttails…the man is GONE as far as I can tell) and he will say he has moved on from One Great Love, but he still has it in for her mama. Let me tell you something about the word “but”, people: when you use it in an apology or an explanation…it renders everything said before it insincere and more than likely, invalid. And if you have let go of a person….I really do not think you are still planning on killing their mama. For the ladies who tell me to move on because he left…..you think because your man/significant other is still in the picture means he is not gone also? And I KNOW not everyone will get that statement at first….I know that. So let me break it down for you: you have someone in your life….but they are cheating on you, they are stealing from you, definitely they are lying to you, you don’t see them that often until it is convenient for them…..yet you still hang on and hang around because: you love them, he is all you have, you can handle things being the way they are, your arrangement/situation works for you…..but you are as alone as me. Your person is not there…they are on the fringes and you are holding onto the thought or illusion of a man you claim to love and you are praying he feels something for you beyond a hard dick.

I know I just stepped on some toes…..but if I had not been there myself at some point in time, I could not have said that. And I know that at least in my situation….I am holding onto memories to get me through the next stages of grief and process; what are you holding for? Because your person is tangible and in your bed? Because you can call them up when you get ready, you think you have something. But you don’t tell anyone he never answers your calls, do you?  Because he spends 4 out of 7 days/nights with you before going home to HER….things are good and there is no need to move on. And frankly, what am I moving on towards? Tell me, all you people who say to move on….move on to WHAT? The next man?? I got you being the one stuck on stupid if you think that getting under man will get you over one if you were truly in love. THAT is nothing but a recipe for disaster and if you don’t know it, I do. All the passion, anger and unrequited feelings of love…the hurt and frustration……you want me to release all these emotions by performing the most intimate of acts with someone I probably do not even know or have at least a semi-decent acquaintanceship with. Why? So I can transfer all these feelings onto him and pour all of my time, attention and effort into another loser motherfucker who will do what the last guy did? And guess what…no I can’t separate the sex from the emotions fresh from a breakup and not many people can….they convince themselves they can. To all the people still in the same situation as last year this time….who want to tell me to move on and let go….I will when you will. Seriously….I am at least processing while pondering the unanswered questions and analyzing and speculating; you are doing what, exactly? I will give Him credit: at least he is not dangling me, stringing me along or playing me. He played his games in the beginning and did a lot of things wrong…but now that the wedding is less than 24 hours away….he has left me alone to build my new life and start my new chapter while he builds his. Folks still stuck in what they were in last year…it’s almost comic as they are not better off nor worse off…they are in exactly the same position and that is stagnation which may be worse than breaking up. There is no growth without change…and stagnation does not bring about change.

As for him not being worth it….I have him being worth something because he was the man who got my heart and my love…completely and unconditionally. So unless you are me or a Panel member with some maturity and sense, don’t say that to me….you are rendering my feelings and judgment invalid.

So to everyone….I KNOW you mean well…..I KNOW you have my best interests at heart (maybe) but if you want to help….just say you understand. Tell me to take my time; tell me to heal. If I am stuck on stupid…let me be….maybe next time you come around I won’t be. You don’t know my pain, or my process or what it took to get here or what it will take to get where you feel I should be. I just want to make it through 24 hours without crying, without that man occupying every third thought….I want to talk to my girlfriends without his name coming up. I want a day of indifference when it comes to him….and I have to get these things my way, not yours.

PS–If I am wrong about any of this…. PLEASE tell me. I welcome all CONSTRUCTIVE advice and criticism.

Spring Cleaning

I have so many thoughts in my head….I want to talk, vent and blog but I do not know how to say these thoughts, which thoughts to say and where to begin this post? Well, since I call it Spring Cleaning, I guess I will start with the weather. The temperatures are rising, the sun is warmer and lasting longer into the evening and the cold harsh winds of winter have given way to softer breezes. I am leaving the porch door open more often to freshen the house and let some clean air in….time to clean and clear out the clutter of fall and winter to make way for the warm freshness of spring and summer….and I have it being more than house cleaning and changing over the closet.

First thing around here being cleared/cleaned is my reproductive system as Mother Nature has made her appearance. YAAAY I have NEVER been so happy to see her in my entire life! I told Girlfriend today that Mother Nature can stay as long as she wants and however long it takes her to do what she do is fine with me. Cuz was hungover (when I finally told him what was going on with me as far as a possible baby, he got drunk) but happy; then he asked would I still be as busty when it was all over. Morning Person breathed a sigh of relief and told me to NEVER put her through this again, and Oscar is just happy. Quiet One says she knew all along I was not pregnant but I have her being happy that I am not going to be tapping her for babysitting duty. The only two not  happy are Mini-Me who thought a baby would be the best distraction from Him and  Bell Pepper who is saying we can try again….and I am looking at her as if she has lost what two brain cells she has left. We can definitely have another Panel baby…KBugg will need playmates her own age…..but there are so many other more qualified candidates: Artsy Craftsy, Girlfriend, Oscar, New Mommy (maybe) ….hell, even Buddy is a candidate as he does have a significant other. So yes, another baby on the Panel is an option…me having it is not.

Domestically, I am trying to  get the house in order. I am really starting to think I look at my apartment the way I see myself at this moment in time….skewered and off-kilter. I vacuum every day now, shampoo the carpet every 2-3 days (not professionally—I use the Woolite spray and stick and scrub it as best I can), I bleach the bathroom and kitchen twice a day, and use a wet swiffer on the floors at least every other day. I dust what I can see, but have too many books, DVDs, pictures, knickknacks and CDs to move everything off the shelves  and dust deep down. My baseboards need attention and I never seem to keep the huge mirror clean enough but whenever company comes over and I tell them how horrible my house is and to please overlook it, they look at me as if I were crazy. But to me, it is as if no matter how hard I try and work at it….the house is just not up to par. Not sure what yardstick I am measuring it by, but perhaps I need to step back and lower my expectations. I have switched a few items around but it is a studio and I have the furniture not being moved….it took everything I had and almost 7 years to get it the way it is now so there is not much more that I can think of right now in the way of home improvements short of coming across a cool $100,000. I am quite sure a therapist or psychiatrist would have a field day with my constant cleaning /home improvement efforts and constant disappointment with the results; I have me taking my meds on a regular basis and remembering where the hell I came from. Willing to bet when compared to a crack house, my place looks like Buckingham Palace and twice as clean.

Emotionally, I am trying to hold it together but I have cried every day since I found out Him is getting married this week. Perhaps I am my own worst enemy but this fiasco has been a train wreck from beginning to end that Him made me privy to and like a train wreck, I cannot seem to tear my eyes away until the last body has been carried away. I honestly thought I had accepted and come to terms with all that has happened and all I was told and felt would happen, but the hurt is so deep and painful it feels like I a reliving the heartbreak all over again. But maybe….I am crying and hurting so badly now because I have accepted my present reality; there is no future for him and I any longer and it has nothing to do with his getting married: like everyone else on the Panel, I really do not have this union lasting. In fact, I am the one who keeps putting out there that this woman really may be his ONE, and I get shot down every time by everybody. Even Morning Person (who will not speak on that statement) looks at me as if I have suddenly started speaking in German or something.

No, I have there being no future because I am not allowing it…..again, Panel members say he will return; I am living an age old story. Man has a good woman, takes her for granted, thinks the grass is greener on the other side and rather than tend to his own lawn, jumps ship; gets with another woman, it blows up in his face and he comes back to the good woman. Girlfriend, who hates him, says he will return…they always return. Morning Person thinks that the man had no courage to come around when things were good and after this bullshit….he will never scrape up enough to try again. It does not matter….I do not have me forgiving or forgetting any of this shit. Ever. ALL of this could have been avoided if only he had done the mature thing, the responsible thing and talked to me and been truthful versus being sneaky, immature and a liar. There is no trust; there is no respect; there is nothing but negativity and hatred for him…somewhere there is a tiny piece of love for him and what we used to be, but it is so small now. I cannot wish him happiness or luck; I cannot say I want it to work out for him. What I want to say is that this is the first step on their journey together towards divorce court; what I want is for her to rip his heart out, serve it to him for dinner and leave him butt naked on the side of the road….where I would drive by, laughing and pointing at him. I want all of the emotions towards him gone, but it seems the more I process and accept things, there is another layer, another memory, another emotion ready to take its place. I honestly did not know I cared and loved this man so deeply, that I allowed myself to get so tangled up in him but Chef and Morning Person knew….they have always known but were on opposite ends: Chef encouraged me to go for it while Morning Person tried ( not very hard, I might add) to prevent it.

I want a distraction….I want someone or something to take my mind off of him, us, the present reality but I already know that I am not ready to let someone else in. I chatted a little bit with a guy from (where else?) Craigslist today….and it was as if he knew just what to say. It was an interesting conversation and what he wanted from me and for us….put it this way: you all know I am emotionally unhealthy and while undergoing this process am probably toxic; you also know Oscar is my emotional soulmate….Oscar was begging me to get with this guy and she wanted it for me; given Oscar’s issues and what she has been through recently, her stamp of approval is enough to get the other Panel members to veto the idea and commit us both a psychiatric facility. I don’t want to face this, I no longer want to process…I want to lose myself in this young, sexy guy who looks like a cross between Keanu Reeves, Charlie Sheen and a dash of crazy. I want him to take me, dominate me, use me…..I want to get lost in someone who is all Him is not to avoid facing what is happening. I do not want to spring clean emotionally…if my emotions were a house, I want to sweep the debris under the rug to give the illusion of it being clean. Mind you, the house is not clean at all…the same dirt is there, just in a different place; and I cannot do that. I cannot use transference to get over this; I have to face it and I have to go through this to get over it.

So while I may have started spring cleaning the house, I have to buckle down, stick the path and focus on my emotional spring cleaning. I need to stop hoarding and start purging; I am trying to let go and move forward as much as I can and I have me no longer rushing things because of some discomfort or because people say get over it; they are not me and they are not the ones going through this. Time to stop pleasing people and heal myself completely so I can have a new beginning and a fresh start; if I want a different caliber of man in my life and a different standard of relationship….it starts with the change in me….and even my horoscope agrees: it told me to attend to the small details and let the big picture take care of itself. There is nothing wrong with me, only with the last choice I made and that it is a big step towards healing but it is necessary as I cannot take past hurts and resentments into new relationships.

So I will cry and hurt and process and accept….and eventually I will heal. I will keep the focus on myself and off the distractions. I will know that what I feel is what I feel and that where I am is where I am supposed to be…and anyone who cannot understand or accept that can go fuck themselves, kick rocks, and keep moving because no matter how long it takes, it is time to clean house and heart.

Diary of a Whiny Bitch

I call this post Whiny Bitch because while this is my blog and I can moan and vent all I want, it still feels like I am whining. Things have happened this week that I should be both  grateful  and fully prepared for; I feel I should be more understanding towards others, yet all I see is utter stupidity, last minute plans falling apart and a worst case scenario coming to fruition. This blog post is pretty much going to be all over the place and cover a lot of ground….it has been a helluva week and I am glad to see it end.  To give you an idea of how stressful the week has been, Morning Person came over  this weekend for breakfast and a therapy session, Girlfriend is willing to give up a night out with Little Marine so we can have a date night and Quiet One offered to treat me to the movies if I made it to her side of the world. Hell, even Oscar came out of her dark place to offer her ear and her shoulder. All I want is my bed, some chocolate and a combination Grey’s Anatomy/Law & Order: SVU marathon on the television.

I am going to start with the ever looming government shutdown…..I am not a government employee but I am a federal government contractor. When the shutdown talks first started up, my agency had a meeting with everyone and we were told who would be safe and who would not; for once, your girl (that’s me!) was on the safe list. In the event of a government shutdown, I would still report to work and work 40 hours a week as my contract was under some type of supplemental funding. Well, YAY me….for once, I will be unaffected by a layoff/shutdown. I will be amongst the chosen ones……not true. While I was running around busting my ass Friday to ensure that loose ends were tied up and contingency plans were in place for my supervisors who would be furloughed were in place, meetings were being held and lists being revised; when I called the department director at 4pm to find out where to report Monday in the event of a shutdown, THAT is when I was informed I was no longer on the safe list. At first, I was in total disbelief….for over a month all I heard was I was safe….now I wasn’t. I asked her straight out was this her way of letting me go permanently from the contract but she assured me…no, no, no. Revisions had been made after another review of the supplemental funding and basically only one department was deemed essential so only the contractors in that department would be staying onboard during the shutdown.

Well, that definitely made sense and after checking with the temp agency and finding out my contract had been extended until July, I started thinking of the benefits of a brief shutdown…..sleeping in later, catching a matinee, maybe a museum or two. It was sounding wonderful to me and the best part? It was a furlough, NOT a layoff so that meant it would last at most 3 weeks; people would still receive at least one paycheck during the time off and at some point in time, people would return to their jobs. I would be able to survive that…hell, I have survived worse….then Congress reached a deal. So instead of sleeping in on what promises to be the most gorgeous day of the year and catching a matinee flick followed by yummy pasta….I will be at my desk trying to get a jump on my supervisors’ May calendars. I know I should be grateful…..I would be able to live versus survive by not missing a paycheck, but all I can think is if you want something to give, tell me I am affected by it if it doesn’t and let me make plans.

The baby issue: we STILL don’t know what the hell is going on. The first test (which I botched) was positive and I did take two more tests, which were negative. So, that should answer the question, right? Yet,  I still have NO sign of my cycle, am constantly fatigued and even though I am still on my quasi-diet and eating more than proportionately with no sodas, fried foods and minimal red meat and junk food, I am gaining weight…and my lower left abdomen is slightly swollen. I also get FAMISHED every 3-4 hours….not hungry, but ravenous as if my last meal were last week sometime. Girlfriend (bless her heart) is on my level of panic here….we are hoping for a thyroid condition, menopause…anything but preggers. She, Morning Person and myself are in agreement that a doctor’s visit is in order….professional opinions and help is needed at this point. I still cannot believe I did everything right and still got caught up in some bullshit, but Morning person says ALL of this could have been avoided had I put a lid on the committee in my head…..and I have to agree with her. I proved nothing to no one except what I knew and have been saying all along is correct: I am NOT ready for anything with anyone on any level, not even platonic as I am not up to putting myself out there in any capacity.

Bell Pepper is getting on my nerves…I love her to death and think she is sweet as hell, but seriously, the girl seems to have blinders GLUED to the sides of her head. User Dude has shown himself to  be just beyond belief in my opinion: for his birthday, Bell Pepper brought the man breakfast and lunch, then turned around and got his office mates together for a small party complete with cake, punch, cards and presents. Do you think the man parted his lips to say thank you to her or anyone else? Do you think he took the time to send a generic email to thank everyone for remembering his birthday in such a thoughtful manner? The answer to both questions is: NO. What he DID do is tell Bell Pepper she needed to send out thank you cards on his behalf and to top it off? He gives her his buddy’s phone number…says he has told him all about her and thinks they will make a good couple. The woman was devastated  and I do not blame her…. even the fools I end up giving my heart to aren’t that damned callous…and she left work to come to my office to talk and cry before heading home. I held her and soothed her; I cursed him  and asked her if she had talked to him since he did that. She says she told him that if the dude called her, she would know where she stood with User Dude, and here is where I should have been more tactful and understanding. I told her that was the stupidest shit I ever heard…it was akin to me telling Him that if he marries the BTH, I know where we stand. You already KNOW where you stand…..he gave you another man’s number for crying out loud and based on her statement, he gave dude hers. Bell Pepper did not get upset by my words though…she told me I was correct, hugged me and then headed home. Then the next day she calls me at work and asks me would I help User Dude update his resume and I went off….I told her no fucking way was I helping a guy who did not give a flying fuck about her or anyone else other than himself and she was a damned fool to continue to help him or in any way let him think there was anything left between them. He has a live-in girlfriend and only has his job because she puts her work on hold to help him keep it. I told her to focus on her, her job and her son and there was no way in hell I was allowing her to let that dude use me….I can find a user dude all on my own, thankyouverymuch…I did not need to share hers. Her only response? “Apparently, this is not a good time to ask you.” I have no idea what to say or do with her at this point…but if I had allowed any of my relationships to start out this way, they never would have happened. They may end up that way, but damned if they start that way.

Artsy Craftsy called this week….and I was SOOOOO happy and excited to hear from her. Our communications have been sporadic at best since she moved over to Island II….phone calls at work are frowned upon at Island II and after work, by the time we get home after traffic congested commutes and 8+ hours of working hard to meet deadlines, we really are not in the mood to talk. Dinner has to be prepared, clothes set out for the next day and calls to family….it gets crazy and with everything being pretty quiet on both our ends, a quick email during the day has sufficed. In any case, she called to give me the news first: Him is getting married April 15th, one day after his birthday. It hurts so badly, and all I want to do is burn his house down. I would clear everyone else out…the kids and even the BTH; hell, I have her thanking me if she took a life insurance policy out on the man….but I would burn him and his house to the ground if I could. (Oh, here is an interesting therapy fact: fire represents rage.) See, I had a bad time last weekend…..for some reason melancholy and missing him took over me so strong, I drafted him a letter….it is perhaps the most honest letter I have ever written concerning us, and I cried ALL night after writing it…..I was so depressed and drained, I called out from work two days straight.  I was planning on taking Tuesday, but after not drifting off to sleep until almost 4am Monday morning, I knew that day was on the list also. I did nothing special….laid in the bed and stared at the ceiling, missing him so badly I could taste him. And now he is getting married to another…for real. I want to cry because of the hurt and pain and when Artsy Craftsy told me, she asked was I okay. I told her I was fine, but she knew better. We trash talked him and her, she told me I was simply too good for him, period and when I asked if I could curse him out one last time, she said she would help me do it.  

Morning Person tried to be nonchalant about the news but she heard the hurt in my voice and told me she would be over to have a long talk; Girlfriend felt so badly and told me to curse him out good…after all, this would be my last communication to him. Ever. She offered to do date night with me the day of the wedding, but I am actually doing my annual beach trip with Morning Person, Busy Bee and Mini-Me; she told me to have a long vent session with them and when I hit the beach….forget him. I can pick up the memories and pieces upon my return, but to just make the beach weekend about me and my future. Quiet One still does not believe it and neither does New Mommy….they both say even if he goes through with it, they do not think it is for love and definitely, it will not last. Cuz and Chef are being quietly supportive and encouraging me to not send the letter…don’t sink to his level; be strong, mature and classy. After all, he is the fool here…but I think I am the fool. I still love him and whatever I did, I must have done it wrong because he is giving this chick all and more he said he could not give me. He left me and took ALL of the relationship with it….we do not even have a friendship left and that is what is so fucked up to me….I was unworthy of a goodbye and our friendship meant less than zero to him. Hell, I even told my mother and she asked how did I feel, and I was honest: I hope they make each other miserable as fuck and they both rot in hell. My mother told me to stop beating up on myself as it is not me at all; the man is old, stupid and mentally deranged: he was born dumb, he will die dumb and in between he will do dumb things. Morning Person says that at least it shows that being with me has matured him in some way and do I really want a man who is so fucked up he is committing himself to a woman who is and has all he claims not to want? She says if it is meant to be, he will return but perhaps I was attaching long term expectations to a short term plan. Bottom line….no one knows what he thought or is thinking; we have no handle on his reasoning and logic and all I can do is pick up the pieces and move forward….and all they can do is help me.

You know, before I wrote this blog, I was napping. In my dream, I was on an elevator with a man I could not see. I was naked with a purse and a glass of wine and the man spoke. He said, “When I exit this elevator I walk into my future.” I said, “Your future is in your past” and he responded with, “Same for you. See you soon.” And then he left….and I woke up with that statement ringing in my ears. I am not reading anything into it….it is only a dream and more than likely a projection of my subconscious wishes. So I will rest tonight, be incredibly domestic tomorrow and maybe blog again before the weekend is over. I will call Bell Pepper to make sure she has not done anything too crazy and check in with Panel members to make sure we are all doing the best we can. We will talk soon, and thanks for letting me be a whiny bitch this time around.

Hard Head/Soft Ass

I am hardheaded. I am impatient. I do not like it when things do not make sense but I absolutely HATE it when things do not go my way. So in addition to being a hardheaded, impatient, grudge holding, petty bitch…I am spoiled. This is a combination that drives friends and family crazy and me crazier….they can leave and go home or hang up the phone…I take me with me wherever I go. I say all this because I am going to tell you all how I am rushing the process and how I tried to prove to someone ( probably myself because my friends understand that moving on is easier said than done and no one is rushing me in the least;  and others…if they know of my heartbreak, they do not care because they do not understand the depth of the love I held and sometimes still hold for him) that I was ready to move on and start again….and I am not.

You all know about my attempts to post an ad on Craigslist….about how I am looking to start anew with someone I can be friends first with….build on a foundation of trust, respect and friendship and go from there. You also know that for whatever reason, the ad will not post on Craigslist….I click the link that will publish the ad, they give me the link to the post but when I go to search the site, I do not show up anywhere….and I search under city, age, posting title……my ad is nowhere to be found. I was able to post it on Plenty of Fish and Match.com but I STILL have not had a response to the ad, except for some fool in Florida who wants to know how big my feet are. So all of this should have told me that it is not time for me to get back out there….there is healing to be done and lessons to be learned; hell, even my horoscope told me that this is not a competition and there are no winners or losers…I am on my own schedule and accountable to no one for my progress or lack of…..but I am impatient and impulsive so I posted another ad on Craigslist…under Strictly Platonic.

For those not familiar with Craigslist, please know this: the men on there cannot read or they do not know the definition of words. Even in Strictly Platonic, they are looking only for sex….they say we can exchange a couple of emails, meet for a coffee and then dash off to my place to “seal the deal” on our newfound friendship. So they think platonic means instant friendship and that friendship equals fucking. So I post my own ad (no way was I answering what the hell was posted on there) looking for someone to share a Friday evening with me enjoying yummy pasta and a movie. I made it clear that I was NOT looking for anything sexual and I wanted a man who had no hidden agendas, expectations and to decrease obligation, I was willing to pay my own way. I got a total of 7 responses, and in the end when they found out I really was not interested in having sex with them (seriously, I am going to pay my own way AND fuck you??) they all backed out. Really?? I cannot even get a hang out partner (forget about a date!) when I am paying my own way??

Then about 4 days later I was perusing Craigslist….honestly, I do not know what I am looking for on there at this point…obviously me and the men of this area are on two separate planets, but  it does amuse me at times and allows me an outlet for the anger and frustration I still feel. So, I was on there and answered an ad from a guy who was staying at a hotel near my job; he was in town for a few days and was looking for someone for dinner, conversation and a relaxing massage. Of course, I know sex was the end result but for some reason, this ad was different….he was not disrespectful or crude, he did not have a laundry list of requirements; he sent his number first and his voice was really nice when we spoke on the phone.

We agreed to try to set something up after he checked into his hotel and I had gone home to shower. Of course, there was a glitch….we did not speak until later in the evening and the weather was crappier than hell; we agreed to try to meet the next evening but that too fell through and he was flying home the next day. I was completely disappointed and that let me know without a doubt I was not ready for anything….I was having expectations of Craigslist for crying out loud. However, I am hard headed and in my head, there is a contest or my ego has taken over….I have been utterly rejected by a guy who is not the best looking thing out there for a woman I KNOW cannot hold a candle to me in any capacity; my offerings, my love and friendship have been tossed aside like so much trash and I am the one still alone and crying at night and providing myself with dinner dates and sexual satisfaction?? Something had to give….and it did.

Back when I doing the great Craigslist experiment, a guy responded to one of my ads looking for a generous$ gentleman; he irked me from the very beginning as I stated I was looking for an older white man….say what you will but one thing I learned as a trained professional is that you simply do not work as hard with a white man as you do with a black one. White men were more into conversation and did not require a lot of effort; there was no bargaining: you state your price and what you offered and they either took it or left it. Black guys are trying to get it all and get it twice for half the money AND you have to work harder than two Hebrew slaves and a mule to get some results. But this guy said that he had no problem paying the requested amount and wanted nothing extra or different, so I told him to come over. He was younger than I expected and he did have one condition: all the lights had to be off and no noise…no TV, no radio. I insisted a candle be lit, a flashlight left on…something. Hell, I am all about making company comfortable and relaxed (especially paying company), but you are still on my turf. The boy was not very romantic or much into my pleasure and for some strange reason, sex with him included him standing on my bed and he took forever…shit, we were both sweating afterwards and I am not the chick who sweats after sex, but not only did he pay what I asked for, he tipped me well.

He did not/does not email me often, but when he does, you know what he wants and I saw him one more time before I took up with Him. Well, recently, dude has been emailing me and I have been putting him off: I claimed to be busy and I finally flat out told him I was not interested as I was going through a breakup…and he stopped emailing for awhile. Then he started again, and he was emailing every week like clockwork and he caught me on a day I was determined I was going to move on whether I was ready or not; unfortunately soon after responding in the positive, I had an headache that kept me laying down and sleeping the rest of the day….and that was the story I told the Panel. I did not tell them we re-scheduled for the next day, he showed up and I had sex with him. It was awful….we have no chemistry, I certainly did not want him and I was simply a means to an end for him and the man watches entirely too much porn….he spit on my nipples and coochie, he wanted to try all sorts of positions and pretty much I felt rushed and used the entire time….not even the money could validate me.

Oh, but that is not the worst part…..the worst part is we used protection, the condom broke and I have not seen my period in 6 weeks. I am a nervous wreck: you could set your watch by my cycle and to not see a drop of anything in 6 weeks?? I am totally beating up on myself….trying to prove something to someone, I may have changed my life forever. Him is supposedly getting married to a woman he claims to have “those feelings” for and I am sitting over here possibly pregnant by a man I could care less about. I finally had to tell certain Panel members: New Mommy, Artsy Craftsy, Quiet One, Morning Person, Bell Pepper, Mini-Me, Busy Bee and Oscar all know of the dilemma and a test was taken. Another test is needed as I botched it….in my haste and nervousness, I did not put a test strip in and peed all over the test result holder. When I realized my mistake, I cleaned and dried out the digital test holder, inserted a test strip and tried again; however, the holder was damaged. It never gave me a readout but when I removed the test strip, there were two blue lines.

The girls are so wonderful and supportive: Artsy Craftsy says that there is so much going on with my reproductive area (fibroid tumors, cysts and swollen ovaries) that it has to be giving off hormones and a false positive; New Mommy says that I am at the age when pre-menopausal symptoms could start showing up and she is keeping fingers crossed for a negative result. Morning Person and Quiet One do not know what to say….actually I think they both want to fuss at me but are holding off until we know what is what.  Mini-Me and Busy Bee are both laughing…and I do not blame them; if ever there was a woman who does NOT want to be a mother, it’s me. Bell Pepper is the only one excited about a possible baby….she is thinking of names, and wants to pick out the crib and clothes and she is so Happy Mommy right now, I could slap her. Oscar is just confused….she wants to know when am I taking another test and I keep telling her tomorrow which never seems to come. Not being funny or indifferent, but I have already gotten one result that is not what I was expecting….this next test will either confirm or deny and either way it goes, I think a doctor’s visit is in order to determine options, alternatives and/or a diagnosis….and I am so not ready to deal with this shit right now.

I am done blogging about this for now….all I know is once again, I have had to learn my lesson the hard way and again, it could be life changing. I am going to take the test and deal with the results when I get them. If it is positive, I have a hard choice and if it is negative…I will NEVER do this again until I am really  ready for the man who will give me what I want (consistently and on all levels) and not what I feel I deserve.