I know I keep bitching and moaning about my present personal life being so horrible and crummy, but it is not as horrible as I make it out to be. Well, maybe it is but I am willing to admit part of the reason it is so sucky is because it is not the present I want it to be. If I could have my ideal present, first thing is this fiasco would NEVER have happened. Him and I would have each put forth all this effort and we would be wrapped up in the magic only he and I could create. I would soothe his fears and build up his confidence and ego and he would give me the acceptance and understanding I long for and there would be all this great sex and all would be perfect. Instead, I am over here still wondering why he would choose to be miserable and with her (the latest reports have him looking as if he is being starved or slowly poisoned and he looks as if he has aged 10 years) instead of being with me, but that is how life is, right? Our plans never go the way we want and usually end up making Higher Powers laugh. But the way I present my current situation, one would think no one is paying me any attention and that is not the truth. I DO have options….I just do not want them. So today, I am going to tell you all about a few of my options and they are all men I have been with before…hence the title of this post.
Nebraska: I am not sure if I told you all that Nebraska emailed me. I know the Panel members are aware, but I do not think I mentioned it in any blog posts since the one about him. In any case, he emailed me saying he was not sure if his job would be funding the annual training trip he makes to my side of the world. He misses me, he does have a girlfriend now, but the sex just isn’t what it was with me and if he cannot come to me, would I consider a trip to Nebraska? Hmmmmm….NO. Seriously, I am not traveling 1300 miles to be the only thing of color in his hometown other than the corn. He cannot be seen with me (as if there is anything to see in that town other than the world’s largest porch swing) …he has a girlfriend and the man is only good for one night of pleasure and I am not spending the money it would cost for what truly would be a one-half night stand. He is not going to spend the entire night…that would smack too much of commitment, and if you think I am lying about that, remember he considered my question of whether or not he had had dinner to be a fucking marriage proposal. He commiserated with me over my breakup and asked me to keep in touch. I told him I would , but neither of us have emailed since.
Pantyhose Dude: What can I say about Pantyhose Dude? We have been messing around off and on since my last days on the Island; he has waited patiently while I had my relationship with Him; once, when I discovered Pantyhose Dude had placed an ad on CL and I confronted him over it, he removed the ad. He called me on Valentine’s Day and sends little emails and phone calls just to say hi and catch up. Seriously, he is like my part-time boyfriend…we had agreed to a monthly agreement back in December and have not seen each other since, but he has a very good excuse: his mother died in January and he has been home with his father helping with the coping and adjustment. What can I say to that? He says he wants us to resume meetings and even though he is boring as hell and cannot kiss, I may agree to it. Out of the guys wanting to me to go green and recycle them, he is the only one offering me some green (backs).
Married Man: I am not sure what the deal is with this idiot is, but he wants to know when I will “pay” him for doing my taxes. Seriously? I told him he butchered my fucking taxes this year AND to top it off, he has been ignoring Morning Person’s requests to come do her taxes and the woman pays him….well. He claims he will give me money for the chance to be with me again, but I have to say if the man is not pressed to put dollars in his pocket, he will not be pressed to put any in mine. Besides….I do not think that even for money I could be with that idiot again in any capacity other than a very platonic friendship.
Crazy Married Dude: Not too many people know about this fool. He was part of the Craigslist Experiment and somehow he clung on. The guy is middle aged, married and before me had never cheated on his wife or been with anyone outside of his race. He was eager to be with me but I told him I was not into breaking up homes…..call me twisted, weird or hypocritical but if a married man who has cheated before approaches me, it is somehow okay. After all, he has played well with others before and he came knocking on my door for a play date but if you are married and I am your first play date….not cool. He begged me to meet with him, he really wanted to do this and he suggested meeting on my birthday and said he would bring me a present. Present?? I LOVE presents….so I said yes….not the worst thing I ever said, but not the smartest either.
When he arrived at my house, I was still “dressing” for our encounter and while I was in my walk-in closet putting on clothes, he was in my main area taking his off. Seriously, when I opened the closet doors, he was butt naked and sitting on my bed. It took all I had to rein in my OCD…..I REALLY have a thing about someone sitting their naked ass on my bed….even I don’t do it. In fact, the only person who has ever done it was Him. So I was trying to fend off an apoplectic fit while he was telling me how gorgeous and sexy I was. We kissed, we talked, he admired my body. Then he asked did I have any toys, specifically a dildo. It so happened I had just bought my first dildo along with a strap on harness ( Fun One and I had spent the previous Friday night exploring a sex store) and he asked to see it. I showed it to him and it is a smallish one…maybe 6 inches long and not as much thickness as larger ones, but Crazy Married Dude was fascinated with it. He put it in his mouth and sucked it and then he stuck it straight up his ass. No kidding. I just looked….I think I was in shock or maybe I was thinking that I could NEVER use that dildo…EVER (and I have never used it on myself or others despite bleaching it and washing it in the dishwasher 3 times). Pretty much after that, the encounter went downhill. I am not a prude nor a novice, but this dude took the cake. When we were finished, I told him it was great to meet him and take care…..then 3 days later he was emailing wanting to meet me again.
I will freely admit, I am the chick who will do damn near anything for a dollar and he found me sexy and desirable, so we started seeing each other twice a week, early in the morning before I prepared myself for work. He began telling me about his bi-curious fantasies and I encouraged him to go for it….just do not hurt yourself or others. He never mentioned his fantasies again, and then I got caught up with/in Him and broke it off with Crazy Married Man, who seemed to think that because I saw/dated attached men, I would be a cheater also. How wrong he is….with the right man or the man I THINK is the right man….I am a one man woman. In any case, I got all kinds of emails begging and pleading with me to see him; he even sent an email offering money and I turned him down. He then came back with tales of his escapades with his dominant black male lover and how the man made him gag and choke and roughly took his “man-pussy”. I told him good for him….I was in a relationship. THEN the fool asked me would I allow them to come use my apartment as a hotel was getting to be too expensive. My answer was an emphatic NO.
We went months without communication and one day during my first breakup from Him, Crazy Married Dude called and was begging, pleading and offering some damned good money and I gave in. THAT was the worst mistake ever…he was saying all the things I only wanted to hear from Him and the worst part? EVERYTIME Crazy Married Dude did something, he would always ask did my boyfriend do it this way? Was my boyfriend this good? And it drove me nuts. I have not spoken to Crazy Married Dude in about 8 months but he still emails…telling me he loves me, he wants to be with me and he misses me. But I am not going back down that road again. Seriously.
So as you can see, I DO have options….none of them the option I want or would even want to embark on again. I have recycled before and more than likely will recycle again (just not now) and in my next posting, I will tell you all what happens (to me at least) when you rush the process and recycle before you are ready. I am writing it now so look for it before the weekend.
Have a wonderful day and we will talk soon.