Present and Accounted For

It is late night/early morning and I am watching movies….one advantage of sleepless nights  (on weekends especially) is that you get to see/find some great cinema that is not quite ready for prime time. I just saw Made for Each Other on Sundance  which is probably the quirkiest movie ever. It is the tale of a newlywed guy whose wife still will not have sex with him 3 months into the marriage: she got a vaginal piercing the day before the wedding and claims she is still sore; she can’t give hand jobs because of carpal tunnel and as for oral….she suffers from lockjaw. Dude ends up giving in to his boss’ sexual demands (and his boss is his ex-girlfriend AND sister-in-law) and to make things even more interesting, he thinks his best friend is gay, but in actuality, the best friend is banging his mom. Best lines ever:  his mom shot his dad and after the initial shock of his mom owning a gun and carrying it with her at ALL times, he asked her why did she do it. Mom’s answer: “You never know when an intruder will break into your home or the man you love will lose his fucking mind and dump you for some skank piece of shit.” And the next best line came at the end, when dude and his wife renew their vows…..his mom says, “I can’t believe my baby is getting married again.” His best friend (who is mom’s date) responds with: “I can’t  believe my best friend came out of the hottest pussy I have ever eaten”. The movie I am watching now is Spin….a recap of what happened one night at an LA nightclub told from 6 different viewpoints. Funny, fast (you can’t blink) and a KILLER soundtrack featuring Death in Vegas and Film School. I have me trying to find it after I finish blogging.

 I want to blog….I am edgy, restless and the quiet is making me slightly crazy. No one in this soap opera is speaking and really, that is the way it is supposed to be. He left, we broke up and we are both on different paths. HEALTHY people may keep in touch but after all is forgiven; they are not giving out other’s personal info or making sure grapevine and gossip pass along what they want you to know. So I am trying to make myself believe that we are all on the road to emotional health and healing while shaking the feeling that this lull in dramatic activity is the quiet before the storm. Of course you all know I am not doing this alone…I have my Panel and this was a busy week for us: we celebrated 2 birthdays and KBugg  turned a month old.  Of course, they have their own lives, problems and issues so today, we are going to catch up with them and see what has been happening.

Morning Person: Change is coming in her life… is peeking its head around the corner, moving slowly and sneakily, but our girl has eyes in the back of her head. She does not want to elaborate further until we know for sure and see what direction it takes, but she is properly stocking up on mental and emotional ammunition and we are drafting Plans A, B, C and D. To take her mind off her issues, she is checking in on the rest of her “children” and that may not be the best thing….her head hurts now.

Artsy Craftsy: I MISS her….she has been working her ass off over at Island II and at the end of the day, she is beyond exhausted. The commute is longer, the workload is damn near impossible (and that is saying a lot given her hellacious workload at the Island) and the people are strange. The best thing is that she does not have to see Him…..and I have to say, if Artsy Craftsy is no longer in his corner, he truly has no support on this Panel. She will no longer mention his name and is encouraging me to take my meds on a daily basis, she is proud of my progress socially and like Morning Person, says sexual progress is NOT a priority at this time.

New Mommy: She wants to know if we remember her….and my question is HOW could we forget her?? She is a member of the Panel and will always be….she acts as if maternity leave is forever. Of course, her priorities have changed and we understand that. She is eyeballs deep in diapers and formula and I am going to start calling her mamarazzi because she spends her days taking all kinds of pictures of KBugg….sleeping or awake, propped up and laying down  and always dressed in the cutest outfits.  She is not sure if she wants another one, but she is not yet used to having one around and is marveling at all the changes that have already taken place with her baby. I send her Panel updates and she is bouncing KBugg on her knee while catching up.

Cuz: He is being quiet….a little too quiet. I have him planning something to do with One Great Love but he is staying mum. He wants to talk about the latest developments with Him, but I told Cuz….that is what is happening over there and I am out of it; I passed on what info I had and we will have to turn to either  world events or other Panel members for some form of escapism.

Chef: He has taken a semester off from school to renovate his condo; he is doing it in colors his fiancée liked and we are not saying a word. He will process and move on  in his own time. He is one of the members who celebrated a birthday….he got cards, well wishes and spent the evening cooking himself a dinner that I call odd but others would probably call hoity-toity….quail, spinach salad and he took some soft-boiled eggs, rolled them in bread crumbs and fried them. Oh, he also has a thing for Bell Pepper….he thinks the woman is sexy and sexy voiced…and he is not the only one…Policeman and Cuz are eyeing her also. Morning Person has instituted a new rule: no sex amongst Panel members and Policeman needs to keep what he has in his pants for his wife.

Policeman: His girlfriend dumped him and he is heartbroken. Even though he knew the day was coming and she does deserve more than what he can give, he fell for the girl and feels that she had been cheating on him and that is why she left. Just like he raised his eyebrows at me for being faithful to Married Man, I am wondering how the hell he can consider his ex cheating on him. Someone tell me how you can cheat on a married man?

Buddy: Our Buddy….he is still with his Boo, so that means a lot of fucking and fighting. He now has a job at a gas station, and is keeping fingers crossed that the funding stays in place for his schooling in the fall.

Girlfriend: She is still seeing Little Marine and I do believe he is growing on her! They hang out once a week and she seems to be happy and having fun. Of course, it being lacrosse season helps also as that girl LOVES that sport. Not sure when she and I will have another date night…lacrosse season AND a new guy? I may be going solo more often than not and I am not angry or jealous over it….have fun and enjoy the good times when they come along.

Queen Bee: I am throwing her into the mix because she has pretty much jumped from the fringes into the thick of things and she definitely fits our Panel criteria. Queen Bee is striking out on all fronts: she is looking for a job and the news is not encouraging but our girl is not throwing in the towel. She is ready for anything that is legal and will put steady money in her pocket. She is ready for male companionship but at her age and after she has been through personally, she has standards and is picky….she is standing fast in her faith and doing the necessary footwork. Something will give sooner or later and when opportunity comes knocking, she will be there to open the door.

Quiet One: Things are balanced and calm in her world and she is offering encouragement.…..just stay focused and patient and the tide will turn. She still sees Him (how could she not) and tells me not to concern myself with him….he looks ridiculous and I am in a better place and space all around.

Bell Pepper: I am changing her name to Sexpot. She is the second member to celebrate her birthday, and she finally did the deed with her version of Him. She really doesn’t want too many people knowing what the skinny is between them; just know that it exceeded her wildest imaginings. She does know she is wearing blinders and ignoring signals, but for now, she is happy and we will let her stay in her happy place….when reality sets in, the Panel will step in.

Me: Not much to say about me…sleepless nights are back which is probably why I am edgy, acceptance is doing its thing and the process is still going strong, although rather quietly. I have issues being repaired and while I do not talk about Him as much as I used to, he is still in my thoughts. I still wonder what happened and where will I go from here. I will admit, I enjoy hearing from so many knowledgeable folks that he will return although I hate that it is resurrecting hope and at this point, I am ambivalent about the entire concept. He will expect me to love him like he never left and I will be wanting to laugh in his face and rub it in how I was so right and he was so wrong. I do not trust him but as Oscar and Artsy Craftsy tell me….who knows what will happen when the face to face happens? So I put all thoughts of  past, future and speculation out of my mind and try to stay in the present as  much as possible, as crummy as it is.

You will notice that I did not include Oscar in this update….yes, she is still very much a member of this Panel, but Oscar’s updates are what is causing Morning Person’s head to hurt, and is the escapism for me; Oscar is the reason New Mommy and KBugg are sitting in front of their computer  and Bell Pepper is not as happy as she could/should be after getting the best piece of sex in years. Oscar’s issues are deserving of their own update which I plan to blog as soon as this one is posted. It is not going to be pretty or funny and I NEVER thought I would be addressing an issue of such magnitude when it came to one of my friends.

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