I know I have not been sticking to a regular posting schedule and I really hope the Black History post was one that was worth waiting for. I have been working hard and trying to get my life back in order. Working hard, dealing with pain both physical and emotional (although both are lessening considerably), doing what I can to put him in the background and keep the past in the past and working on my self confidence and self esteem issues….it is hard work and all I am is tired at the end of any given day. BUT , there is progress….I actually went out twice this past week by myself and was okay with it. Both times I treated me to dinner and was able to actually enjoy both myself and the meals and tonight my downstairs neighbor came up to see first if I were home and if I was okay as he has not heard any yelling, screaming, cursing or crying…so YAY me.
In what seems to be a direct contradiction to that is the fact that I am on edge and short tempered. Reliable One is irking my nerves to no end (I’m not even getting into THAT one right now), I am THISCLOSE to telling those Godawful people on the bus (I have me moving just so I do not have to ride with them) that FAT is NOT a disability so please get the fuck up out of the priority seats, co-workers have me rolling my eyes and gritting my teeth and seriously, are there ANY guys in this city who want to just DATE? Be friends first, and see where it goes from there? It seems everything is all about sex, sex, sex….and as horny as I have been lately, I am not looking for that right now. My issues are still in a state of repair and I need something substantial, meaningful and long term. One night stands are just not going to cut it, but that is all that is being offered. So maybe it is the waiting that is the hard part for me…..for the first time since the fiasco happened, I feel as if I am waiting for Him. Whether it is for him to return filled with guilt and remorse, proclaiming undying love or simply to tell me that I was right and he was wrong, I don’t know. I do know I am NOT waiting for him…..at this point, all I would want to do is have him prove me right so I can laugh in his face…..but that is what it feels like. I want the good I had with him, but not with him ( I don’t think) …with someone new and different, but when will they come along? When will it be my turn to be on the upswing, because right now I feel as if there is some sort of race or contest and when I look at him and the way he left me and see who I was dumped for, I feel that I should be surrounded with suitors, being incredibly happy and without a thought of him in my head as this is what he claims to have and I seem to be a distant memory to him. But I am not enjoying or doing any of the above….he is still in my thoughts (although not as often), I am taking myself out to dinner, spending weekends alone at home, and not even able to get an ad posted on Craigslist. I feel pathetic and pitiful and I need to be embracing my singleness and reveling in the fact that a man who has shown himself to be a disrespectful, cowardly liar with incredibly questionable taste in women is finally out of my life.
In any case, there is an update….he is going through with the marriage/wedding and it will take place next month. We do not know the date and I am opting for his birthday, but Buddy said it would be the 1st….April Fool’s Day. I received the news from Chef who received it from The German Hausfrau. The mere source of this information has me scratching my head….NO ONE talks to The German Hausfrau…EVER. But she is privy to the information and I have him making sure she knew. When I do call up to the Island, I have to go through her and I was about the only person she liked and would talk to and news of the Island’s confirmed bachelor actually getting married would not be something she could sit on; hell, she told Chef and she and Chef fight like cats and dogs all the time. Yes, the news stings but I am saving the tears until he actually does the deed but the biggest news is yet to come…him is transferring and hiding all his assets! His house and savings plan are being put in his daughters’ names and I am not sure how I feel or what it means….a part of me is happy he did listen to the Hater Bitch and is covering his ass, but it also makes the rumor more of a reality.
I was confused and at loose ends….so I did what I am supposed to do: I alerted the Panel. I had already spoken with Morning Person earlier because I was back to downing myself and questioning myself and wondering (again) what it is with me….did I do too much or too little? Did I mother him, smother him? Was I NOT pretty enough and sexy enough? Morning Person said to stop it right now: I am the one who needs to take a hard look at who I was with and who I got dumped for….that alone should tell me it is so NOT me. She told me that the only problem with me was I was in love with him before even I knew it (the fact I agreed to a financial free arrangement at the height of my “part-timing” should have told everyone something) and I am still excusing behaviors and treatment other people would be in the hospital over; right now I am still being too hard on myself and too soft on him and I need to reverse that. When I told her all the latest developments, she was shocked into near speechlessness; not a one of us expected him to actually go through with it despite what he says but the puzzle pieces are falling into place and they aren’t falling in the order we expected them to.
Oscar has no clue what to say or do other than him is the biggest fucking fool in the world and stupid to boot….and WHAT doe he see in that BTH chick?; when Mini-Me found out, she proclaimed the BTH was from South Carolina and had put a root or a spell on him…and then she burned her steak. Seriously. Cuz however has a LOT to say and here I have to say bless his crazy, fucked up heart…..Cuz said there are 3 things to remember here: first, him is about to be taken for a ride you cannot even buy a ticket for; second, if he actually goes through with it, the man is going to wake up one morning, roll over and wonder WTF did he get himself into and third, if him signs ANY insurance papers…we are going to a funeral. According to Cuz, once that ghettofied trick bitch finds out that there are no perks or benefits to being married to him, she is going to destroy the house and then kill him to collect. Bell Pepper says that there is already some financial trouble afoot if one month before his wedding, he is hiding his assets; I asked her could I use his financial information to go shopping or pay bills ….he would just think it was the BTH withdrawing some money; Bell Pepper said she has that account being the reason for him hiding his assets and she got that check bouncing. Quiet One says that neither of them is getting a catch and if he feels the need to protect himself (at least financially) from this woman, WHY get married to her? It is obvious there are trust issues and she and Bell Pepper agree there is no reason for that….not after all the smack those two talked. If he feels he needs to do that, yet they are so in love….just wait. Why the big rush? The woman damned sure ain’t pregnant.
Artsy Craftsy (I miss her and New Mommy so much) has always said that he will have to learn his lessons and all the men of the Panel agree that tying this knot will tighten the noose and he will learn lessons and suffer consequences…and Morning Person will be glad to see that happen. And do you know my horoscope said something the other day that fits this situation: the horoscope said that someone who has done me wrong is about to get their just desserts and I will be there to see them eat every bite. The curtain on this show will be coming up soon. The lovescope said that an event I think will truly be a death knell on a relationship I do not want to see die will be the catalyst to draw us closer together. Chef has me practicing my arguments for when him does return…..I am thinking it is a bit premature as the BTH actually might be his One, but Chef asked me if a person is taking the precautions him is, how long do I really give the union? And him is not as stupid as he looks: the man knows where he is treated decently and with love and knows that despite what I say, there will always a piece of me that will love him unconditionally…..and once he has his eyes opened, I am the first stop.
I am done with it for now….I still have the I hate him days and I still have the I wish days…..and right now I am just numb. I am still accepting and processing a ton of emotions from the beginning of this fiasco and this will just have to stand in line and wait its turn. I wondered would there ever come a time he would not be a part of me; you know, when he would just fade from memory and be no more to me, but I was told that would never happen. I have it being the fact that I never got a chance to finish loving him, but it is probably so much more convoluted than that; we have been complicated from the beginning, why should our end be any different? I was told the days where he stays in the background would be more and more frequent but then he will walk right in as if he never left and it was important to acknowledge and process as promptly as possible . So this is the report and update….as soon as anything else breaks through, you know I will be telling it. Now, I am going to process and heal so I can meet my someone new and different and hope that the next time around, love won’t let me down. Not sure when any of that will happen, but what else do I have to do but get started? Later this week we will get an update on the Panel and revisit Oscar’s Poetry Corner, so stick around.