Recycle Bin

I know I keep bitching and moaning about my  present personal life being so horrible and crummy, but it is not as horrible as I make it out to be. Well, maybe it is but I am willing to admit part of the reason it is so sucky is because it is not the present I want it to be. If I could have my ideal present, first thing is this fiasco would NEVER have happened. Him and I would have each put forth all this effort and we would be wrapped up in the magic only he and I could create. I would soothe his fears and build up his confidence and ego and he would give me the acceptance and understanding I long for and there would be all this great sex and all would be perfect. Instead, I am over here still wondering why he would choose to be miserable and with her (the latest reports have him looking as if he is being starved or slowly poisoned and he looks as if he has aged 10 years) instead of being with me, but that is how life is, right? Our plans never go the way we want and usually end up making Higher Powers laugh. But the way I present my current situation, one would think no one is paying me any attention and that is not the truth. I DO have options….I just do not want them. So today, I am going to tell you all about a few of my options and they are all men I have been with before…hence the title of this post.

Nebraska: I am not sure if I told you all that Nebraska emailed me. I know the Panel members are aware, but I do not think I mentioned it in any blog posts since the one about him. In any case, he emailed me saying he was not sure if his job would be funding the annual training trip he makes to my side of the world. He misses me, he does have a girlfriend now, but the sex just isn’t what it was with me and if he cannot come to me, would I consider a trip to Nebraska? Hmmmmm….NO. Seriously, I am not traveling 1300 miles to be the only thing of color in his hometown other than the corn. He cannot be seen with me (as if there is anything to see in that town other than the world’s largest porch swing) …he has a girlfriend and the man is only good for one night of pleasure and I am not spending the money it would cost for what truly would be a one-half night stand. He is not going to spend the entire night…that would smack too much of commitment, and if you think I am lying about that, remember he considered my question of whether or not he had had dinner to be a fucking marriage proposal. He commiserated with me over my breakup and asked me to keep in touch. I told him I would , but neither of us have emailed since.

Pantyhose Dude: What can I say about Pantyhose Dude? We have been messing around off and on since my last days on the Island; he has waited patiently while I had my relationship with Him; once, when I discovered Pantyhose Dude had placed an ad on CL and I confronted him over it, he removed the ad. He called me on Valentine’s Day and sends little emails and phone calls just to say hi and catch up. Seriously, he is like my part-time boyfriend…we had agreed to a monthly agreement back in December and have not seen each other since, but he has a very good excuse: his mother died in January and he has been home with his father helping with the coping and adjustment. What can I say to that? He says he wants us to resume meetings and even though he is boring as hell and cannot kiss, I may agree to it. Out of the guys wanting to me to go green and recycle them, he is the only one offering me some green (backs).

Married Man: I am not sure what the deal is with this idiot is, but he wants to know when I will “pay” him for doing my taxes. Seriously? I told him he butchered my fucking taxes this year AND to top it off, he has been ignoring Morning Person’s requests to come do her  taxes and the woman pays him….well. He claims he will give me money for the chance to be with me again, but I have to say if the man is not pressed to put dollars in his pocket, he will not be pressed to put any in mine. Besides….I do not think  that even for money I could be with that idiot again in any capacity other than a very platonic friendship.

Crazy Married Dude: Not too many people know about this fool. He was part of the Craigslist Experiment and somehow he clung on. The guy is middle aged, married and before me had never cheated on his wife or been with anyone outside of his race. He was eager to be with me but I told him I was not into breaking up homes… me twisted, weird or hypocritical but if a married man who has cheated before approaches me, it is somehow okay. After all,  he has played well with others before and he came knocking on my door for a play date but if you are married and I am your first play date….not cool. He begged me to meet with him, he really wanted to do this and he suggested meeting on my birthday and said he would bring me a present. Present?? I LOVE presents….so I said yes….not the worst thing I ever said, but not the smartest either.

When he arrived at my house,  I was still “dressing” for our encounter and while I was in my walk-in closet putting on clothes, he was in my main area taking his off. Seriously, when I opened the closet doors, he was butt naked and sitting on my bed. It took all I had to rein in my OCD…..I REALLY have a thing about someone sitting their naked ass on my bed….even I don’t do it. In fact, the only person who has ever done it was Him. So I was trying to fend off an apoplectic fit while he was telling me how gorgeous and sexy I was. We kissed, we talked, he admired my body. Then he asked did I have any toys, specifically a dildo. It so happened I had just bought my first dildo along with a strap on harness ( Fun One and I had spent the previous Friday night exploring a sex store) and he asked to see it. I showed it to him and it is a smallish one…maybe 6 inches long and not as much thickness as larger ones, but Crazy Married Dude was fascinated with it. He put it in his mouth and sucked it and then he stuck it straight up his ass. No kidding. I just looked….I think I was in shock or maybe I was thinking that I could NEVER use that dildo…EVER (and I have never used it on myself or others despite bleaching it and washing it in the dishwasher 3 times). Pretty much after that, the encounter went downhill. I am not a prude nor a novice, but this dude took the cake. When we were finished, I told him it was great to meet him and take care…..then 3 days later he was emailing wanting to meet me again.

I will freely admit, I am the chick who will do damn near anything for a dollar and he found me sexy and desirable, so we started seeing each other twice a week, early in the morning before I prepared myself for work. He began telling me about his bi-curious fantasies and I encouraged him to go for it….just do not hurt yourself or others. He never mentioned his fantasies again, and then I got caught up with/in Him and broke it off with Crazy Married Man, who seemed to think that because I saw/dated attached men, I would be a cheater also. How wrong he is….with the right man or the man I THINK is the right man….I am a one man woman. In any case,  I got all kinds of emails begging and pleading with me to see him; he even sent an email offering money and I turned him down. He then came back with tales of his escapades with his dominant black male lover and how the man made him gag and choke and roughly took his “man-pussy”. I told him good for him….I was in a relationship. THEN the fool asked me would I allow them to come use my apartment as a hotel was getting to be too expensive. My answer was an emphatic NO.

We went months without communication and one day during my first breakup from Him, Crazy Married Dude called and was begging, pleading and offering some damned good money and I gave in. THAT was the worst mistake ever…he was saying all the things I only wanted to hear from Him and the worst part? EVERYTIME Crazy Married Dude did something, he would always ask did my boyfriend do it this way? Was my boyfriend this good? And it drove me nuts. I have not spoken to Crazy Married Dude in about 8 months but he still emails…telling me he loves me, he wants to be with me and he misses me. But I am not going back down that road again. Seriously.

So as you can see, I DO have options….none of them the option I want or would even want to embark on again. I have recycled before and more than likely will recycle again (just not now)  and in my next posting, I will tell you all what happens (to me at least) when you rush the process and recycle before you are ready. I am writing it now so look for it before the weekend.

Have a wonderful day and we will talk soon.  


It’s NOT That Serious…

I was doing the Recycle Bin post when I got a phone call from Bell Pepper….and that phone call coupled with other things happening with certain Panel members have me ditching the post I was working on for this one. It is important to address these things when they arise because suspicion and naiveté are dangerous when unchecked and once you have the answers ( there are no bad answers, only right ones) you find out 9 times out of 10 that it really wasn’t that serious after all.

I am going to start by addressing Bell Pepper’s concerns. The other day we were talking on the phone and I told her I needed to either make more money or get a better budget as I seem to be falling further and further behind in bills. Seriously, I do not know what is happening but I can never seem to make rent and now I am playing catch-up with my credit cards. One thing about Bell Pepper….that chick is all over a dollar. She asked what was I doing with my money?? Honestly,  I do know I am not working complete 40 hour work weeks on a consistent basis and I am eating out a lot….breakfast and lunch certainly and every day. I am spending more money at the convenience stores in my neighborhood versus going to the Giant; I am smoking more cigarettes and basically I have to say I am frittering my dollars away.

Well, this bothered Bell Pepper….it bothered her so much she called me tonight to ask me was I using drugs again. That question stunned me….first I wanted to laugh, then I got angry. Seriously…you think after all the work I have put in to stay sober and on a path of structure and accountability ( I would say responsibility but my financial mishap would belie that statement), you think I would give it up for something not only temporary but completely destructive to me and those around me? Then I took a deep breath and realized it was not that serious….she did not know me when I was that other person and being a saver, she does not understand people who freely spend their money. So I explained to her the first thing an active drug user will NEVER say is: I wonder where my money is going? They KNOW and they are hoping you don’t find out. I then told her that in addiction I am a totally different person and the changes are both marked and immediate….she would have no problem knowing if I were using again or not: I become quiet, paranoid and I will not be found in the usual places. I will be a no call, no show in all aspects of my present life and if you can manage to catch up with me long enough to question me, I am belligerent and in your face with my answers. So to Bell Pepper I say my lack of funds is not so serious I have relapsed….I need a raise, a budget and the will power to stick to it.

The next issue I am going to address concerns Chef. Quiet One and I are ready to have him committed. He is missing his fiancée and using Him and I as an outlet/distraction. Chef keeps saying I need to do two things: call/email Him and buy he and the BTH a wedding present to show my maturity, classiness and good will. The email idea I have been toying with and before Chef suggested it…..Him, Cuz and I share the same sense of humor and I have been coming across all kinds of jokes, emails and pictures that have me laughing out loud and I want to share them with him. I know he would get a kick out of them and if previous reports on his demeanor and appearance indicated he was happier than ever, he must be fucking ecstatic now, so another laugh or two would only be icing on the cake. But I have not and will not….as Quiet One put it….ever since him met the BTH, he has done nothing to put a smile on my face and is the cause of all my tears. I was simply thinking that the man has shown himself to be a selfish, fair weather friend and therefore is unworthy of even the smallest gesture.

As for the wedding present idea, I am going to say Chef has GOT to be joking because if he is serious, I may have to revoke his Panel membership. Panel members are a lot of things, but stupid is not one of them. I KNOW Chef is missing his woman and it is sucky that they will never have a second chance…..I know Chef feels that Him and I still do have a chance since we are both above-ground (for the time being) but at this point one of us might as well be dead. Choices were made and plans set in motion…him and I were a part of each other’s past and we may be a part of each other’s future but our present….not happening. His present is being shared with the BTH and mine is being spent in repair. And Chef has something else going with him that I am going to say just may be that serious….none of the Panel members have said a word when Chef announced he was painting the condo in colors the dead fiancée liked. We said nothing when he yelled at us for suggesting packing up and donating her clothes (they are still hanging in the closet) and we say nothing when he goes to visit her grave every week and spends two hours talking to her. But Chef called me the other night telling me how horny he is and how he needs a release so badly; I suggested he put on some porn and masturbate. It will give him the release he needs and reduce stress and tension at the same time and do you know what he told me? The man said he has not indulged in sex of ANY kind since she passed as that would be cheating on her. She is not being sexual and he would not feel right if he were.

Okay, first it has been TWO YEARS since she passed….as far I understand it wedding vows( and they never made it that far) say ‘til death do you part. She’s parted. I can totally relate to not wanting to get involved with someone else but how in the world is masturbation cheating?? Seriously. I am not suggesting that Chef rush his process (if he is even in one) and I know her death was sudden change of an irreversible type but he is scaring me with his living in the past. You aren’t going to do certain things because she isn’t? She’s DEAD…she is not doing a bunch of anything. He is renovating a condo for a woman who will never see it; he is keeping clothes she will never wear again and his entire life is on either pause or rewind and that is not  healthy for anyone. You cannot talk to him about it as he will either get very quiet or change the subject. So while I feel that it is not that serious I put forth any effort at all towards Him and anything resembling a reconciliation of relationship (platonic or otherwise) and want Chef to see that also (seriously, what is meant to be will be), I do feel that Chef’s underlying motives may be that serious. Him and I cannot live out Chef’s relationship and for Chef to think that is possible says a lot about his emotional health at this point.

Okay, now that I have those things off my chest, I can go back to writing Recycle Bin and playing catch up as far as domestic duties are concerned. Stay tuned!

Laughing to Keep from Crying

With all that has been going on (some you know about, some you don’t out of respect for members’ privacy), distractions are called for. We all know what a distraction is: something to take your focus off the big picture, take your mind off your troubles and sometimes, it makes your troubles seem downright trivial. Oscar has been our distraction lately, but we have all taken turns being distractions for each other.

We are going to start with an update on Oscar’s issues first as that was our biggest distraction. The forensic interview took place and Baby Oscar said At all. Based on that conclusion, no one can do anything, but social services will do a couple of follow up visits. And after such a long day with frustrating results, Oscar ended up calling Him, Jr. to inform him what happened and it ended with Baby Oscar spending some time with his father. I could have banged my head against a wall when she told me that….there was physical evidence of the abuse and after Him, Jr.’s behavior and attitude during the ordeal, the LAST person to see my child would have been that man, but go he did. He returned a few hours later, seemingly unharmed and happy to have spent time with his father, so we are leaving the issue alone.

Bell Pepper is facing some ugly truths about herself since her encounter with User Dude and her distraction is Him’s upcoming wedding/marriage. We have found out BTH is insisting on a huge, elaborate ceremony and spending all of Him’s money while Him would rather just go to a courthouse and get it over with; the man’s demeanor is beyond depressed….he is downright sad and he was told by Chef that it is still not too late to back out of this. If it is true love and what they have is real, there is no need to rush. In any case, Bell Pepper says we should get together ( the whole Panel) and crash the wedding. We can eat shrimp, dance and have cake. Personally, I am all for it….we get to see for ourselves and with our own eyes what is going on and eat catered food; Oscar thinks it would be uber-cool to be real-life wedding crashers; Cuz says it is a good idea, except Him will let all the details leak out except the date and location and Morning Person says NO WAY. NO ONE is going to that particular event…..Him would fall over dead from the shock of seeing me there and BTH would probably have all kinds of hissy fits. Not that we would actually crash the wedding, but damned if Morning person can’t ruin a wet dream sometimes.

Buddy is having issues and feels the best distraction would be to call Him up and ask the man what is really going on. Buddy claims he and him have a connection (the two of them worked on a couple of projects together on the Island, attended a co-worker’s bachelor party together and got drunk twice at Island functions….and at this point I have that being a better and stronger connection than the one I shared with the man) and I am not sure if Buddy was serious or not but with all the ego flattening events in his life, he may be. Buddy has broken up with Boo…he says the woman is ungrateful and insane and he is d-o-n-e with her, but that is not all. The job at the gas station fell through…..they said they found someone MORE qualified. All I could do was laugh my ass off at that news: Buddy has a double major from one of the top schools for his field, and at one point, Buddy had initials after his name because he was that good at what he did. Buddy was bringing home $50K/year and to be told someone was more qualified than he was to ring up $10 on pump #3 and pass someone a hotdog through the hole in the plastic wall at a gas station for $10/hour? Unbelievable.

Cuz is distracting himself….I am teasing him because Cuz and him share the same middle name ( Bell Pepper’s guy User Dude also has the same name); the only difference is him goes by the name all the time and Cuz goes by his first name. Artsy Craftsy says that any and all men with any variations of that name: first, middle or last….needs to be avoided by all female Panel members. In any case, not sure why Cuz is distracting himself ( but he is no longer threatening violence against One Great Love or her mama), but he has met a woman online, and he is calling her BTH, Jr. She pulled a classic bait and switch: posted a younger, sexier picture of herself but when they meet, she is older, uglier and larger. The woman has 4 kids still at home, she keeps a not so clean house and their first meeting….she got drunk as all outdoors and passed out. Cuz spent what was supposed his first date with this woman fending off advances from her 16 year old daughter, going grocery shopping with her youngest child , cooking spaghetti for the kids and housecleaning. He was supposed to come home the following morning, but he is still over there. Cuz is not talking to me because I keep saying this is why he has such insight into Him and the motives behind his actions….they are the same person.

Chef and Girlfriend have their own distractions: Chef is remodeling his condo; Girlfriend has lacrosse and Little Marine. Artsy-Craftsy has updates from the rest of us to distract her and New Mommy has KBugg. Quiet One is just sitting back and taking it all in and Morning Person is wondering which is better: her problems/issues or the distractions. I have the distractions making her head hurt worse. And even though I call these situations we are all facing distractions, truthfully for the members of the Panel who are facing these things…for those of us still dealing, going through and coming to terms with harsh realities…all we are really doing is laughing at each other to keep from crying at/over ourselves. Yes, when faced with things like the disaster in Japan, a looming war in Libya or other member’s problems, our things seem trivial…..but to us, they aren’t. To us…these situations are personal, life changing and all we want is for them to go away and for things to be the way they were….except for KBugg…we want to keep her. We distract ourselves from the present because we cannot change what has happened and cannot predict what will.

I will be back later this week with Recycle Bin, Random Things and I may finally take  Meredith Grey off the shelf. Enjoy your day and talk soon.

A Woman with Serious Problems

Before I begin the Oscar update, I have to apologize for not including Guardian Princess in the Panel update….that is how cloudy my mind is over this latest fiasco. Guardian Princess is fine…still losing weight, giving away clothes and looking out for me in more ways than one. As for the title of the blog, it is the title to a song by Josh Rouse…and I have the title summing up what is going on with Oscar perfectly. And until this post, only 4 Panel members knew what was going on: myself, New Mommy, Bell Pepper and Morning Person. Oscar and I decided to keep it amongst the members she trusts and identified with the most but now she is ready to let it all out as it is driving her crazy and killing her inside.

Life is not going well for our Oscar….as soon as the clouds break to let the tiniest peek of sunlight in, they close up quicker than the legs on a hooker with a broke john. Her job fell through after 3 weeks; she was planning to move to NYC with a friend of hers, who asked HER to move with them, then they fell off the face of the earth and of course, Him, Jr. and Miss Minor have been playing their silly little head games with her. Through it all, Oscar has been holding her head high, being mature and trying to rise above. She has not been making herself out to be a victim nor is she wearing her heart on her sleeve; she is hiding her hurt and frustration, smiling to people and hiding in darkness…but now here comes the light and she can no longer pretend or hide…she has to stand her ground and fight the battle.

You all know Oscar has a son….he will be 4 this year and is the light of her life. He is nerve wracking and active and a handful all of the time, but that child loves her son more than anything on God’s green earth. Lately, he has been acting up or acting out…not sure which is the correct term here.  He has hit her, thrown all of the toys she and Santa Claus brought him saving only the ones from his Daddy. He says he likes his Daddy better than Oscar, and he wants to go live with Daddy and Miss Minor because they are nice to him. When Oscar told Him, Jr. about the outbursts, all he did was laugh and claimed he was both the better parent and “the best Daddy in the world.” Whatever…he did not have $40/week for daycare, but went out and bought some huge ass aquarium, saying it was for his son…who is there a good one day a week. Oscar’s mom and I advised her to call her son’s bluff:  pack Baby’s bags and tell him he was going to live with Daddy…and it worked. Baby Oscar cried and yelled and kept saying NO MOMMY. And we thought that was the end of that.

Then Baby Oscar came home from an overnight visit with his Daddy and Oscar noticed his privates were extremely red and when she went to examine him, the baby winced and said ouch. Oscar asked did it hurt, and the baby said yes. Then the baby kept saying he had to go potty, even after already having gone. And he was touching himself…constantly. Once during a phone conversation with his father, Baby Oscar had his hands in his pants the entire time. Oscar was forming suspicions but she put salve on the privates and decided to wait until she saw the results of another overnight visit. Again, the baby was red and sore down there and actually fought her when it came to bath time. After the bath, she noticed he was doing something with his hands under the blanket and again, Baby Oscar was playing with himself. Oscar asked the baby outright and in a serious tone of voice was anyone touching his privates….and her son said yes. How the woman managed to keep herself composed I will never know, but she asked him WHO was touching him? Her son said Daddy, and if Oscar’s world had crashed with the first revelation….this one demolished whatever had been left standing.

She asked the baby was he SURE? The baby said yes, Daddy touched him but it was okay because Daddy touched girls too. (We are not quite sure what to make of that statement; Oscar thinks the baby is defending/protecting his father while I think the child has seen Daddy and Miss Minor doing some adult activity) Oscar asked him to show her how Daddy touches him….and the child did. I told her to call Social Services and she did; there was a doctor’s examination at the local Children’s Hospital where her baby told the doctor exactly what he told her…his Daddy touched him down there. It was discovered that the baby has a urinary tract infection (which is a sign of sexual abuse in younger children) and after a lengthy talk with a social worker, the acting out could also be signs of abuse. She has had an in-house interview with social services and she and the child are due for a forensic interview this week. It cannot come too soon…the baby has not pooped in 5 days (constipation is another sign of sexual abuse) and now is around the house on his knees, humping the air doggy style. He is still angry, whiny and blatantly disobedient.

Oscar has contacted Him, Jr. to tell him what was going on and what the child has said. Him, Jr. has pretty much ignored the entire issue: he states that Oscar is  a lying , jealous bitch still trying to ruin his happiness with Miss Minor and he will fight for custody of his child because she is an unfit piece of shit. Social Services has suspended all contact/visitation between Him, Jr. and the baby and NOW the man wants to see his son. Seriously, Oscar has to walk the baby to his house any other time and beat Him, Jr. over the head to spend time with his child and now that all of this has come out, he wants to see his son….calling Oscar all day and night and his latest voicemail said he WILL see his son sooner or later even if he had to blow up her fucking house to do so. When Oscar pointed out the man that his SON was the one making the allegations and why would her son lie, when she asked him point blank was it true and to PLEASE give her an explanation….he ignored all of that and said again Oscar was making it all up to discredit him and cause a breakup between  him and Miss Minor.

The police will get involved when the forensic interview takes place and now Oscar is missing Him, Jr. and wondering is she doing the right thing. I have her having these feelings now because she IS doing the right thing….people always second guess themselves when they are doing what is hard, and no one ever said the right thing was easy. In spite of ALL that has gone down, some part of Oscar still loves this man and we all know that when the shit hits the fan for real, he will be all alone in his corner and the part of Oscar that still loves him does not want him to be alone and ostracized.  She wants things to remain the same because she still wants him back with her and their son. Oscar still wants them to be a family and this cannot be true because this…this is a game changer for real and nothing good can come from this. She is also feeling guilty because she is the whistleblower here and what consequences he suffers, she feels will be at her hands. I told her that HE caused this….however he meant it (Oscar thinks it was playful and not intended to be hurtful), there are laws in this country and so far, it is looking as if Him, Jr. broke at least one f them. It is about time this man was held accountable and responsible for his actions and to hurt his own SON? WHO plays with their child in that manner? I told Oscar to snap out of it…..she can love him all she wants but this is her child. The man will not even acknowledge what the hell is happening, her son is fucked up physically and mentally and she HAS to stay focused.

New Mommy is near tears and cannot bear too many more updates…..Bell Pepper is wondering why the man is not dead yet and Morning Person has no words. It is unbelievable and inconceivable that something like this is happening to one of our own. I am so not telling Cuz what has happened….that fool will be at Oscar’s door making her tell him where this scummy piece of shit lives; personally, I am at a loss. I have no clue what to say or do now that the ball is in motion. I promised her that I will be there for her and I will, but what to say? What to do? I have there being nothing I can do that would help her or ease her pain.  AND then we hear that in the middle of all this hoopla, Him, Jr. got engaged to Miss Minor. Good…now he can go to jail for child abuse and statutory rape. We all know that this will get uglier and worse before the air clears and I have Oscar being strong enough to take the blows. I have her having truth and the power of doing the right thing on her side. Honestly this would all go so much easier if Him, Jr. would just be a man and tell us what the hell goes on with those overnight visitations…but this is a man who has no idea of responsibility or of honesty. I have him telling a lie when the truth would do so much better.

Obviously, this is NOT the Oscar update I was planning to post….her poems will wait another day as this situation has stilled her voice; the only word she knows now is why. I know that my words and this post are inadequate also as mere words cannot convey the severity of this horrible, horrible situation. The hurt, the pain, the frustration and helplessness of what has been thrust into Oscar’s world….we all know to protect our children from pedophiles and strangers, but from their own PARENT? No one can wrap their heads around that… a step-parent, we can see. Biological parent, no. Our prayers are with her and her family and of course, when there is more to tell, with her permission, we will.

Present and Accounted For

It is late night/early morning and I am watching movies….one advantage of sleepless nights  (on weekends especially) is that you get to see/find some great cinema that is not quite ready for prime time. I just saw Made for Each Other on Sundance  which is probably the quirkiest movie ever. It is the tale of a newlywed guy whose wife still will not have sex with him 3 months into the marriage: she got a vaginal piercing the day before the wedding and claims she is still sore; she can’t give hand jobs because of carpal tunnel and as for oral….she suffers from lockjaw. Dude ends up giving in to his boss’ sexual demands (and his boss is his ex-girlfriend AND sister-in-law) and to make things even more interesting, he thinks his best friend is gay, but in actuality, the best friend is banging his mom. Best lines ever:  his mom shot his dad and after the initial shock of his mom owning a gun and carrying it with her at ALL times, he asked her why did she do it. Mom’s answer: “You never know when an intruder will break into your home or the man you love will lose his fucking mind and dump you for some skank piece of shit.” And the next best line came at the end, when dude and his wife renew their vows…..his mom says, “I can’t believe my baby is getting married again.” His best friend (who is mom’s date) responds with: “I can’t  believe my best friend came out of the hottest pussy I have ever eaten”. The movie I am watching now is Spin….a recap of what happened one night at an LA nightclub told from 6 different viewpoints. Funny, fast (you can’t blink) and a KILLER soundtrack featuring Death in Vegas and Film School. I have me trying to find it after I finish blogging.

 I want to blog….I am edgy, restless and the quiet is making me slightly crazy. No one in this soap opera is speaking and really, that is the way it is supposed to be. He left, we broke up and we are both on different paths. HEALTHY people may keep in touch but after all is forgiven; they are not giving out other’s personal info or making sure grapevine and gossip pass along what they want you to know. So I am trying to make myself believe that we are all on the road to emotional health and healing while shaking the feeling that this lull in dramatic activity is the quiet before the storm. Of course you all know I am not doing this alone…I have my Panel and this was a busy week for us: we celebrated 2 birthdays and KBugg  turned a month old.  Of course, they have their own lives, problems and issues so today, we are going to catch up with them and see what has been happening.

Morning Person: Change is coming in her life… is peeking its head around the corner, moving slowly and sneakily, but our girl has eyes in the back of her head. She does not want to elaborate further until we know for sure and see what direction it takes, but she is properly stocking up on mental and emotional ammunition and we are drafting Plans A, B, C and D. To take her mind off her issues, she is checking in on the rest of her “children” and that may not be the best thing….her head hurts now.

Artsy Craftsy: I MISS her….she has been working her ass off over at Island II and at the end of the day, she is beyond exhausted. The commute is longer, the workload is damn near impossible (and that is saying a lot given her hellacious workload at the Island) and the people are strange. The best thing is that she does not have to see Him…..and I have to say, if Artsy Craftsy is no longer in his corner, he truly has no support on this Panel. She will no longer mention his name and is encouraging me to take my meds on a daily basis, she is proud of my progress socially and like Morning Person, says sexual progress is NOT a priority at this time.

New Mommy: She wants to know if we remember her….and my question is HOW could we forget her?? She is a member of the Panel and will always be….she acts as if maternity leave is forever. Of course, her priorities have changed and we understand that. She is eyeballs deep in diapers and formula and I am going to start calling her mamarazzi because she spends her days taking all kinds of pictures of KBugg….sleeping or awake, propped up and laying down  and always dressed in the cutest outfits.  She is not sure if she wants another one, but she is not yet used to having one around and is marveling at all the changes that have already taken place with her baby. I send her Panel updates and she is bouncing KBugg on her knee while catching up.

Cuz: He is being quiet….a little too quiet. I have him planning something to do with One Great Love but he is staying mum. He wants to talk about the latest developments with Him, but I told Cuz….that is what is happening over there and I am out of it; I passed on what info I had and we will have to turn to either  world events or other Panel members for some form of escapism.

Chef: He has taken a semester off from school to renovate his condo; he is doing it in colors his fiancée liked and we are not saying a word. He will process and move on  in his own time. He is one of the members who celebrated a birthday….he got cards, well wishes and spent the evening cooking himself a dinner that I call odd but others would probably call hoity-toity….quail, spinach salad and he took some soft-boiled eggs, rolled them in bread crumbs and fried them. Oh, he also has a thing for Bell Pepper….he thinks the woman is sexy and sexy voiced…and he is not the only one…Policeman and Cuz are eyeing her also. Morning Person has instituted a new rule: no sex amongst Panel members and Policeman needs to keep what he has in his pants for his wife.

Policeman: His girlfriend dumped him and he is heartbroken. Even though he knew the day was coming and she does deserve more than what he can give, he fell for the girl and feels that she had been cheating on him and that is why she left. Just like he raised his eyebrows at me for being faithful to Married Man, I am wondering how the hell he can consider his ex cheating on him. Someone tell me how you can cheat on a married man?

Buddy: Our Buddy….he is still with his Boo, so that means a lot of fucking and fighting. He now has a job at a gas station, and is keeping fingers crossed that the funding stays in place for his schooling in the fall.

Girlfriend: She is still seeing Little Marine and I do believe he is growing on her! They hang out once a week and she seems to be happy and having fun. Of course, it being lacrosse season helps also as that girl LOVES that sport. Not sure when she and I will have another date night…lacrosse season AND a new guy? I may be going solo more often than not and I am not angry or jealous over it….have fun and enjoy the good times when they come along.

Queen Bee: I am throwing her into the mix because she has pretty much jumped from the fringes into the thick of things and she definitely fits our Panel criteria. Queen Bee is striking out on all fronts: she is looking for a job and the news is not encouraging but our girl is not throwing in the towel. She is ready for anything that is legal and will put steady money in her pocket. She is ready for male companionship but at her age and after she has been through personally, she has standards and is picky….she is standing fast in her faith and doing the necessary footwork. Something will give sooner or later and when opportunity comes knocking, she will be there to open the door.

Quiet One: Things are balanced and calm in her world and she is offering encouragement.…..just stay focused and patient and the tide will turn. She still sees Him (how could she not) and tells me not to concern myself with him….he looks ridiculous and I am in a better place and space all around.

Bell Pepper: I am changing her name to Sexpot. She is the second member to celebrate her birthday, and she finally did the deed with her version of Him. She really doesn’t want too many people knowing what the skinny is between them; just know that it exceeded her wildest imaginings. She does know she is wearing blinders and ignoring signals, but for now, she is happy and we will let her stay in her happy place….when reality sets in, the Panel will step in.

Me: Not much to say about me…sleepless nights are back which is probably why I am edgy, acceptance is doing its thing and the process is still going strong, although rather quietly. I have issues being repaired and while I do not talk about Him as much as I used to, he is still in my thoughts. I still wonder what happened and where will I go from here. I will admit, I enjoy hearing from so many knowledgeable folks that he will return although I hate that it is resurrecting hope and at this point, I am ambivalent about the entire concept. He will expect me to love him like he never left and I will be wanting to laugh in his face and rub it in how I was so right and he was so wrong. I do not trust him but as Oscar and Artsy Craftsy tell me….who knows what will happen when the face to face happens? So I put all thoughts of  past, future and speculation out of my mind and try to stay in the present as  much as possible, as crummy as it is.

You will notice that I did not include Oscar in this update….yes, she is still very much a member of this Panel, but Oscar’s updates are what is causing Morning Person’s head to hurt, and is the escapism for me; Oscar is the reason New Mommy and KBugg are sitting in front of their computer  and Bell Pepper is not as happy as she could/should be after getting the best piece of sex in years. Oscar’s issues are deserving of their own update which I plan to blog as soon as this one is posted. It is not going to be pretty or funny and I NEVER thought I would be addressing an issue of such magnitude when it came to one of my friends.

Progress Report

I know I have not been sticking to a regular posting schedule and I really hope the Black History post was one that was worth waiting for.  I have been working hard and trying to get my life back in order. Working hard, dealing with pain both physical and emotional (although both are lessening considerably), doing what I can to put him in the background and keep the past in the past and working on my self confidence and self esteem issues….it is hard work and all I am is tired at the end of any given day. BUT , there is progress….I actually went out twice this past week by myself and was okay with it. Both times I treated me to dinner and was able to actually enjoy both myself and the meals and tonight my downstairs neighbor came up to see first if I were home and if I was okay as he has not heard any yelling, screaming, cursing or crying…so YAY me.

In what seems to be a direct contradiction to that is the fact that I am on edge and short tempered. Reliable One is irking my nerves to no end (I’m not even getting into THAT one right now), I am THISCLOSE to telling those Godawful people on the bus (I have me moving just so I do not have to ride with them) that FAT is NOT a disability so please get the fuck up out of the priority seats, co-workers have me rolling my eyes and gritting my teeth and seriously, are there ANY guys in this city who want to just DATE? Be friends first, and see where it goes from there? It seems everything is all about sex, sex, sex….and as horny as I have been lately, I am not looking for that right now. My issues are still in a state of repair and I need something substantial, meaningful and long term. One night stands are just not going to cut it, but that is all that is being offered. So maybe it is the waiting that is the hard part for me…..for the first time since the fiasco happened, I feel as if I am waiting for Him. Whether it is for him to return filled with guilt and remorse, proclaiming undying love or simply to tell me that I was right and he was wrong, I don’t know. I do know I am NOT waiting for him… this point, all I would want to do is have him prove me right so I can laugh in his face…..but that is what it feels like. I want the good I had with him, but not with him ( I don’t think) …with someone new and different, but when will they come along? When will it be my turn to be on the upswing, because right now I feel as if there is some sort of race or contest and when I look at him and the way he left me and see who I was dumped for, I feel that I should be surrounded with suitors, being incredibly happy and without a thought of him in my head as this is what he claims to have and I seem to be a distant memory to him. But I am not enjoying or doing any of the above….he is still in my thoughts (although not as often), I am taking myself out to dinner, spending weekends alone at home,  and not even able to get an ad posted on Craigslist. I feel pathetic and pitiful and I need to be embracing my singleness and reveling in the fact that a man who has shown himself to be a disrespectful, cowardly liar with incredibly questionable taste in women is finally out of my life.

In any case, there is an update….he is going through with the marriage/wedding and it will take place next month. We do not know the date and I am opting for his birthday, but Buddy said it would be the 1st….April Fool’s Day. I received the news from Chef who received it from The German Hausfrau. The mere source of this information has me scratching my head….NO ONE talks to The German Hausfrau…EVER. But she is privy to the information and I have him making sure she knew. When I do call up to the Island, I have to go through her and I was about the only person she liked and would talk to and news of the Island’s confirmed bachelor actually getting married would not be something she could sit on; hell, she told Chef and she and Chef fight like cats and dogs all the time. Yes, the news stings but I am saving the tears until he actually does the deed but the biggest news is yet to come…him is transferring and hiding all his assets!  His house and savings plan are being put in his daughters’ names and I am not sure how I feel or what it means….a part of me is happy he did listen to the Hater Bitch and is covering his ass, but it also makes the rumor more of a reality.

I was confused and at loose ends….so I did what I am supposed to do: I alerted the Panel. I had already spoken with Morning Person earlier because I was back to downing myself and questioning myself and wondering (again) what it is with me….did I do too much or too little? Did I mother him, smother him? Was I NOT pretty enough and sexy enough? Morning Person said  to stop it right now: I am the one who needs to take a hard look at who I was with and who I got dumped for….that alone should tell me it is so NOT me. She told me that the only problem with me was I was in love with him before even I knew it (the fact I agreed to a financial free arrangement at the height of my “part-timing” should have told everyone something) and I am still excusing behaviors and treatment other people would be in the hospital over; right now I am still being too hard on myself and too soft on him and I need to reverse that. When I told her all the latest developments, she was shocked into near speechlessness; not a one of us expected him to actually go through with it despite what he says but the puzzle pieces are falling into place and they aren’t falling in the order we expected them to.

Oscar has no clue what to say or do other than him is the biggest fucking fool in the world and stupid to boot….and WHAT doe he see in that BTH chick?;  when Mini-Me found out, she proclaimed the BTH was from South Carolina and had put a root or a spell on him…and then she burned her steak. Seriously. Cuz however has a LOT to say and here I have to say bless his crazy, fucked up heart…..Cuz said there are 3 things to remember here: first, him is about to be taken for a ride you cannot even buy a ticket for; second, if he actually goes through with it, the man is going to wake up one morning, roll over and wonder WTF did he get himself into and third, if him signs ANY insurance papers…we are going to a funeral. According to Cuz, once that ghettofied trick bitch finds out that there are no perks or benefits to being married to him, she is going to destroy the house and then kill him to collect. Bell Pepper says that there is already some financial trouble afoot if one month before his wedding, he is hiding his assets; I asked her could I use his financial information to go shopping or pay bills ….he would just think it was the BTH withdrawing some money; Bell Pepper said she has that account being the reason for him hiding his assets and she got that check bouncing. Quiet One says that neither of them is getting a catch and if he feels the need to protect himself (at least financially) from this woman, WHY get married to her? It is obvious there are trust issues and she and Bell Pepper agree there is no reason for that….not after all the smack those two talked. If he feels he needs to do that, yet they are so in love….just wait. Why the big rush? The woman damned sure ain’t pregnant.

Artsy Craftsy (I miss her and New Mommy so much)  has always said that he will have to learn his lessons and all the men of the Panel agree that tying this knot will tighten the noose and he will learn lessons and suffer consequences…and Morning Person will be glad to see that happen. And do you know my horoscope said something the other day that fits this situation: the horoscope said that someone who has done me wrong is about to get their just desserts and I will be there to see them eat every bite. The curtain on this show will be coming up soon. The lovescope said that an event I think will truly be a death knell on a relationship I do not want to see die will be the catalyst to draw us closer together. Chef has me practicing my arguments for when him does return…..I am thinking it is a bit premature as the BTH actually might be his One, but Chef asked me if a person is taking the precautions him is, how long do I really give the union? And him is not as stupid as he looks: the man knows where he is treated decently and with love and knows that despite what I say, there will always a piece of me that will love him unconditionally…..and once he has his eyes opened, I am the first stop.

I am done with it for now….I still have the I hate him days and I still have the I wish days…..and right now I am just numb. I am still accepting and processing a ton of emotions from the beginning of this fiasco and this will just have to stand in line and wait its turn. I wondered would there ever come a time he would not be a part of me; you know, when he would just fade from memory and be no more to me, but I was told that would never happen. I have it being the fact that I never got a chance to finish loving him, but it is probably so much more convoluted than that; we have been complicated from the beginning, why should our end be any different? I was told the days where he stays in the background would be more and more frequent but then he will walk right in as if he never left and it was important to acknowledge and process as promptly as possible . So this is the report and update….as soon as anything else breaks through, you know I will be telling it. Now, I am going to process and heal so I can meet my someone new and different and hope that the next time around, love won’t let me down. Not sure when any of that will happen, but what else do I have to do but get started? Later this week we will get an update on the Panel and revisit Oscar’s Poetry Corner, so stick around.

The Black History You Didn’t Know (or Maybe You Did)

Finally….I am posting my blog about Black History Month. I KNOW I am late but by now you guys should know I am definitely the person who will be late for her own funeral. I waffled with this post as I was not sure which direction to take it in; I know I did not want a standard essay of well known achievers. Who does not know the story and achievements of Martin Luther King, Jr., Madame CJ Walker, Paul Laurence Dunbar or Langston Hughes? Who does not know the struggles of the Civil Rights Movement and does anyone besides me wonder that after all the struggles and hardships our predecessors went through to obtain the most basic of rights and acceptance, collectively as a people, we seem to be pulling each other back down into the crab barrel? For every one good thing that the Black race achieves, there are 10 things that make us shake our head and I wonder will we ever have a true leader that will guide us, mold us and teach us because sometimes it seems that there are no lessons learned.

But, that is just my opinion, and overall, I am proud of my race and my heritage. We all know Black History Month was founded by Carter G. Woodson, a great educator. Woodson chose the month of February because it is the birth month of two great men who were instrumental in shaping both Black history and achievements: Abraham Lincoln (born February 12th) and Frederick Douglass (born February 14th). As early as 1915, the  nation was celebrating Black History: the city of Chicago  was host to a  celebration of the fiftieth anniversary of emancipation sponsored by the state of Illinois.  Thousands of African Americans traveled from across the country to see exhibits highlighting the progress their people had made since the destruction of slavery. The event was held at the Chicago Coliseum, which was the site of the 1912 Republican Presidential  convention. For three weeks, an overflow crowd of six to twelve thousand waited outside for their turn to view the exhibits. Inspired by the three-week celebration, Woodson decided to form an organization to promote the scientific study of black life and history and on September 9th, Woodson, along with  four others and formed the Association for the Study of Negro Life and History (ASNLH).In 1924, the ASNLH formed the creation of Negro History and Literature Week, which they renamed Negro Achievement Week and in February, 1926 issued a national press release announcing Negro History Week. As early as the 1940s, Blacks in West Virginia celebrated Negro achievements all month long and in 1976, the rest of the nation followed suit: Black History Week became Black History Month and is celebrated during the month of February in the US and Canada and in the United Kingdom, it is celebrated during the month of October.

Of course, no talk of Black History is not complete without a listing of achievements, trivia or facts so here are some little known black history facts for you ( in no particular order) :

  • Martin Luther King, Jr. was assassinated on Maya Angelou’s birthday (April 4th…the year was 1968) and for years after, Maya Angelou would not celebrate her birthday, opting to send roses to King’s widow, Coretta Scott King instead. The roses stopped upon Coretta’s death in 2006
  • Martin Luther King, Jr. was stabbed by an African-American woman in 1958 while attending his book signing at Blumstein’s department store in Harlem
  • W.E.B. Du Bois and William Monroe Trotter started The Niagara Movement, a Black civil rights organization which got its name from the group’s first meeting location, Niagara Falls. This collective later became the N.A.A.C.P.
  • Condoleezza Rice was a serious student who entered college at the age of 15, and was an assistant professor at Stanford by age 26. She is also an accomplished pianist who has accompanied cellist Yo-Yo Ma, played with soul singer Aretha Franklin, and performed for Queen Elizabeth II.
  • Rapper Kanye West’s father was Ray West, a former Black Panther who was one of the first black photojournalists at the Atlanta Journal-Constitution.
  • Rosa Parks was not the first Black person to refuse to give up her seat on a bus: In the early 1940s in Fort Hood, Texas, future baseball legend Jackie Robinson refused to give up his seat and move to the back of a bus when ordered to by the driver. His excellent reputation, combined with the united efforts of friends, the N.A.A.C.P., and various black newspapers, helped save him from serious consequences
  • Speaking of Jackie Robinson, did you know he had an older brother, Matthew, who won a silver medal in the 200-yard dash in the 1936 Olympics? He came in second to Jesse Owens.
  • Actor, singer, and civil rights activist Paul Robeson, who was conversant in over 20 different languages, was once considered for a U.S. vice presidential spot on Henry A. Wallace’s 1948 Progressive Party ticket.
  • New York City got its nickname “The Big Apple”, from black musicians traveling the “Chitlin’ Circuit” during the 1930s. Apple was a slang term for cities amongst them and to play in New York, the biggest of cities (even then, NYC was synonymous with hitting the big time) was to play the “Big Apple”
  • Grammy Award Winning President: Barack Obama won Best Spoken Word Album at the Grammy Awards for the abridged audio book of his autobiography Dreams from My Father and the nonfiction work, The Audacity of Hope.
  • Garrett Augustus Morgan, inventor of the traffic signal, also became the first African-American to own a car in Cleveland, Ohio.
  • Harlem, New York is known as the “Capital of Black America”; it was originally developed as a neighborhood for white workers to commute into the city, but housing grew faster than transportation and whites abandoned the neighborhood. Rather than take a complete loss on their investment, the developers sold buildings to black real estate agents and rented directly to black tenants

Hopefully, this post has been all I wanted it to be: educational, entertaining and you learned something you did not already know. I also hope we do not limit our learning of our history and heritage to just one month out of the year. Yes, the nation may acknowledge our achievements for only one month, but we as a people need to be cognizant of who we are and where we came from 365. I will be back later this week with updates on the Panel, we will visit with Oscar and return to her poetry corner and maybe a post about the origins of random things. I will leave you with a little trivia about the month of February…in addition to being Black History Month and home to Valentine’s Day and Presidents’ Day, it is also American Heart Month, International Boost Self-Esteem Month, International Embroidery Month, Library Lovers Month, National Cherry Month, National Children’s Dental Health Month, National Snack Food Month, and Return Shopping Carts to the Supermarket Month.