Everything, All At Once

You all know I love my horoscopes. I read them from at least 4 different sites and I do it all: horoscopes, lovescopes, numeroscopes, Tarot readings (general, daily and love) and even the Chinese Astrology. It is a toss as to whether they are on point: sometimes they have me and the Panel scratching our heads wondering who is living my life but other times, we know it is pure bull biscuits Like the time it told me to dump my current set of friends if they could not find someone to hook me up with, or when they told me an intense romantic encounter would help heal me. I was actually game to give that one a shot, but Pregnant One threatened to come sit on me if I did so….I am NOT ready for anyone or anything. The other morning, my horoscope told me it was a weird day to be me as I am entangled in the beginning stages of something that is emotionally hard to fathom, but the more layers I peel back, the greater understanding I gain. The Panel and I agree that this one is on point, but we all have the same question: we are only at the beginning? And it would appear we are…grab snacks as this could be a long one.

My morning began with a cigarette and another dose of drama. You guys read my response to Him and the BTH, right? I would like to think I was as clear as possible and made several points to both parties. Well, they BOTH responded! Seriously…..BTH sent me an email at 1am. No shit. This time she feels the need to tell me Him is her husband (amazing that Tuesday morning she was his fiancée….must have been one helluva  24 hours) and they are happy and in love. If I truly want his happiness, I need to lift them up and be filled with life and love and happiness. Oh, she also felt the need to tell me how established she is: she drives a Jaguar that is paid for, she lives in a notable suburb and she holds a titled position with a financial firm….and all while raising her 3 beautiful kids on her own. And this would be her last email….the Panel is taking bets: so far, 5-3 that I will have another email on Thursday. To break down her missive: first, I KNOW how you are living in that fancy suburb sweetie….nothing to brag about…..I have Section 8 living better than that. Your car….Cuz said it must be a classic 1978 model, but I have her paying for it from her pole spinning days…I know that is mean, but this chick is tripping. Her titled position? First, every position is titled and the title she gave me is an entry level position; however if you switch the words and add a couple…it would be something I could tip my hat to her for.  Raising 3 kids on her own….self explanatory. I am just wondering how many baby daddies she has.

I told this chick in no uncertain terms (again) that what was going on between him and I was between him and I. He knows exactly why it is going down the way it is and for him to have given my personal information to anyone (even his wife) had definitely crossed a line. I do not know what he has told her, but he knows the truth and that is why he has yet to tell me to go fuck off. For the record, I have never stated I wanted his happiness….he has taken mine and no way am I wishing him more than I have myself; I do not wish to see him hurt. I told her that she keeps inserting herself in this to fight his battles and I have no interest in what she has or does not have. I told her I am ending this crap because this is ridiculous: you HAVE the man….whatever I offer, he left me for you so why are you worried? So worried you are up until all hours of the night to email me when I am sleeping, dating, talking to friends, blogging…anything but thinking about you or him. You have a man in your bed who you claim loves you and is happy with you and you are emailing his ex. Makes sense to me. I put them both in my spam filter and told her again, to go enjoy her happiness. And after all that, she came back again, telling me to stop emailing her husband.

Morning Person (who was a supporter of the BTH….she said we do not know the woman, we can make no judgments) was speechless…anytime someone makes me the mature one in the group, it has got to be bad. Bell Pepper said she can smell the fear from here and Pregnant One and Quiet One say they can tell I have rattled her chain and are proud of me for standing my ground and keeping this between him and I. Quiet One says the woman is showing her ignorance and insecurity and that is a not a good sign. Chef is wondering why we question his not wanting another relationship and Cuz flatly stated that if this chick is so banging and rolling with so much, what does she want with him? The man makes a point. According to Cuz, the woman is hood rat bitch who is lying through her teeth. Girlfriend declared she is a liar who believes her own lies and that is why she and him hit it off so well together as he is delusional as hell. Oscar says the bitch needs to shut up about him being her husband….she wants to see the ring, the license and the wedding pictures. A witness or 2 may be needed as well.

Which brings me to his response….which made Morning Person damn near choke, Bell Pepper had to call to ask WHAT was going on, and Quiet One re-read twice. Girlfriend said to delete, delete, delete and Cuz said his head hurt and he was out of theories and analysis. Artsy Craftsy was excited….his response coupled with BTH’s early morning missive has her thinking it could be the return of Him and the de-throning of the Evil Twin. Artsy Craftsy really likes him….yeah, he is confused and lame and a jerk at times, but overall, him is a good guy. Pregnant One says that there is trouble in Paradise and with the right attitude and patience…..we could be Us: The Happy Edition again. Morning Person told me DO NOT RESPOND. She cannot go through this again. Period. His response was perhaps the first communication that did not require the secret decoder ring or the special read between the line glasses we sometimes need to break out…there were a couple of patches, but not like it usually is. Side note: this is just something I find interesting. When BTH emails, she always copies him on the email, but when he emails/responds, it is only to me.

He sincerely apologized for the hater bitch comment….he said it was completely unwarranted and he was venting his frustrations (I think the “get right with God” comment scared him shitless, and I wonder what he was frustrated about); he stated I could tell the world about our relationship and if asked, he would tell people, yes, he was in a personal relationship with me  and that it involved sex and porn and he enjoyed every minute of it (and I wonder why I can be open about us now that we are over?); he apologized for hurting and upsetting me (once again and for the final time)…and this time, I actually felt that he meant it; he gave me an explanation: he knew we were in a relationship but was unsure of the level of commitment and by the time I found out, I was too angry to listen to anything he had to say; he would always give me a great reference when it came to getting a job but for right now it was best to cut off communication and personal contact. I have him saying that for two reasons: first, BTH got my email address somehow, and him is the common denominator so he wants me to calm down from that; second, he wanted to calm down the BTH and I do not have it being out of love or respect….he wants to minimize the drama.

I respected his wishes and left it alone; 20 minutes later he is asking me do I accept his apology and explanation? I told him that both were accepted and appreciated. I told him that I wanted to sincerely apologize to him for anything I said or did that hurt him, belittled him or caused him to feel less than. I explained to him what happened to me: we had just reconciled, he put out those promises and saying I was the only one, and no, we had not seen each other in a month (we were communicating via email and telephone) but that was due to both of us working lots of hours and then he is taking this chick places and flaunting this relationship in my face; on top of betraying our friendship and breaking trust, he was totally disrespecting me and could not even tell me goodbye or that he had moved on. It raised all of my issues and I just could not control it….my brakes would not apply and I lost control and I was so sorry, so sorry (and I really am…I was tearing up writing him this). Then he comes back with: I miss you. It’s okay and I understand. And that is when  I was ready to break down….in spite of all the ugliness and the fucked up things we said and did….he still understood me and he forgave me and I do not want him to understand and forgive….that would make us…us again and we can’t be us again….he is getting married. Then he asked could we be friends, and I told him that true friendship and unconditional love could forgive and overcome any hurt or grievance. Just know that I was not ready to stop loving him or being with him; he counters with he agrees with everything I said and could it heal us? I told him with enough time, space and healing it could and he said he understood. Then he asked me about Artsy Craftsy and hit me with would I tell people about our porn? I had the biggest smile on my face because it was like old times….random talk on any and every subject…..for a little while there was no ugliness, no BTH….just us being us. I told him that our kinks, fetishes and perversions would be our secret (on my end) and all we shared together would be ours. Although he was the one I honestly thought was my one (I have never felt so amazing, so protected, understood and accepted by any man ever), I also did not have me telling people about our relationship….what for? He was with another…..and he told me no one knew the things I did.

Everything, all at once was hitting me: happiness, love, hurt, anger, expectations, disappointment….and even though he could not see my tears fall, I told him I was going to Starbucks and to take care of himself and maybe we will meet/see each other in the future…I did not want him to see me cry. And I am crying now..over what we had and still have, over what is lost and over this goodbye. I no longer question why but I do wonder what the fuck happened to us? I don’t know….and I miss him so much right now. The love is back and all that has happened over the past 5 months, I would once again wipe the slate clean just for the chance for us to be us again. And this is exactly why Girlfriend, Chef and  Morning Person told me to NOT respond…we are both still too emotionally entangled and ready to fall into each other if given a chance. Oscar and Cuz have no idea what will happen and are scared to hazard a guess; Bell Pepper, Artsy Craftsy and Pregnant One all think this could be the first step towards healing, forgiveness and either a reconciliation or closure for both of us. Quiet One says we will be reunited and while she feels he does not deserve respect or forgiveness, she thinks we belong together. The love and caring are still there…will he know how to appreciate it?

I don’t know anything…not who we are, what will happen or why after everything, we still fit together so wonderfully. All I do know is right now he no longer belongs to me and I really do not know what I want from him or myself for that matter. My skin still has smoke rising from it from walking through this fire and I need time and quiet. I need to once again accept the fact that he is getting married to another, that he told me he has “those feelings” for someone….who is not me. That even though our ties that bind are still there, we are no longer connected to the ends of the rope….we are in different books and someone overlapped the pages for a few minutes that had me suspended in a bubble of comfort and happiness and helped me to remember why I love him so and that nothing has changed on any level or plane for us…..what we are together has not changed and the realities we have created for ourselves are still in place, which sucks so badly right now.

So I am going to bed to hold tight to a good memory and place it with the others as he has reversed the lie for me…thank you for leaving me with those. Tomorrow we will FINALLY talk about Buddy as we all could use a good laugh about now….time to replace this drama and emotion filled soap opera with a sitcom.

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Hater Bitch

I know I am supposed to be telling you guys about Buddy’s mishaps (I promise, promise, promise with whipped cream and a cherry on top you will get that blog by the weekend and the same for He Said/She Said), but again drama has come to town. This latest episode has Morning Person crying in her coffee, has made Cuz sane again and Quiet One is saying OMG. Pregnant One and Oscar cannot stop laughing and Mini-Me is shocked speechless. Chef is shaking his head, Artsy Craftsy is declaring there is an Evil Twin on the loose and Girlfriend is the only one keeping some form of composure. Bell Pepper keeps saying she needs to process what just happened, Policeman says that Him is crazy and you can only expect crazy acts from a crazy person and I am outdone, disgusted and utterly disappointed. In fact, this shit has my Right Bitch/Wrong Day running for her big sister Ghettolicious, who takes NO shit from anyone and has evil and creative ways of getting her point across.

I had a good weekend….date with Fun One Friday, slept and rested Saturday and Sunday  (in spite of Oscar’s going crazy) and had a productive day at work Monday. Had a wonderful dinner date Monday evening and woke up Tuesday morning to an email……NOT from him….from the BTH! I could not believe my eyes. The man has given my personal email address to his “someone he has those almost instantaneous feelings for and plans on marrying as soon as possible” and I want to know FOR WHAT? She claims him is a great guy (this is why she fell in love with him) , he told her that he and I had “been together” and he now felt I was being a hater bitch and she  could answer any questions I had (sorry, only him can answer those) as she was more than happy to talk to me and told me she was a dating coach who would love to help me out with some tips….and she put my Facebook profile pic at the end of the email. AND the chick was not finished…..before I could leave out the door for work, she emails AGAIN to tell me that her profile pic was taken in October 2010 and she works out six times a week and this is why she looks so young and happy….that and her love of Him because he has brightened her world. I think I threw up a little bit in my mouth….sista girl is laying it on a little too thick for the wrong person….I KNOW if the man were the sun, he couldn’t brighten a damned thing.

I sent the communication to the Panel…..Bell Pepper called first. My first words to her were I was going to call out of work because I was sick and needed to take care of some things. She told me NO WAY. Cuz called and he swears that Him wrote the email himself and Bell Pepper and Oscar agree: no way in four hells are there two people with that level of vagueness and ambiguity and the writing skills of a 2nd grader. Morning Person kept telling me to calm down and she is in a state of shock…she cannot believe it has come to this. Artsy Craftsy says we are worse than Oscar and her big, fat mess as in Oscar’s situation, no one is even 25 years old…..in my triangle, I am slightly over 40 and those two are over 50, yet we are like kids on the kindergarten playground. Pregnant One (yes, she is still pregnant) laughed in my ear and called me hater bitch all morning. We are thinking of making tee shirts that will say “I’m Friends with the Hater Bitch” and mine will say “I AM the Hater Bitch”. Chef wants to know WHAT made him do it and that him needs to clean this shit up with both of us and Girlfriend begged me to be mature and adult about it and not respond.

Of course, I responded even after Chef told me I was a better woman than he was a man and to act like it. I don’t know….I tried so hard to rise above, but the man not only gave out MY personal info, he called me a hater bitch! Seriously? And the sad part is I am not sure which one pisses me off more. I know I have called the woman a couple of mean things, but I have never hated on her…at least not to him. I am wondering what else to blog and seriously, if you just read the response I sent them, that would suffice. There is nothing to analyze….and this is the death of anything between him and I ever again, not even friendship and that disappoints me to no end. I cannot trust the man period in any capacity (what else has he shown her, told her and who else will he give my info to?), he has us doing a repeat of the Married Man and his Wife scenario (which I swore I would never get into again) , and now….he truly has stolen my memories and our good times. I told him before, he has made EVERYTHING a lie and he will no longer be the one I loved so completely and deeply….he will be that asshole coward who gave his new chick my email address. So, here is the response I sent them…together.

Him: I am a hater bitch? Have I EVER told you to leave her? I HAVE always said if you love her and she makes you happy, to go for it. I have never seen her nor do I know her…. What I hear comes from YOUR employees and YOUR colleagues. YOU are the one they are losing respect for, YOU are the one they are talking about and THEY are the ones who have seen her and I see no reason why THEY would lie about the woman. Period. Yes, I have concerns also, but they do not involve you and I reconciling. They involve YOU not getting hurt……until me, no woman has ever wanted you for more than your wallet, and in less than 5 months, this woman has changed you and not for the better. You are sick constantly, you are looking unhealthy AND unhappy and the part of me that cares for the man I used to know does not want to see him hurt.  

I honestly cannot believe you….YOU were the one who fucked ME over, led me on with lies and promises, then betrayed my trust and totally disrespected our 6 year friendship, yet I am the hater bitch. Boy, I can show you the right bitch on the wrong day and one more comment like that or another stunt where MY personal info is given to another….you’d better get right with God.  Again, you HAVE changed and however this turns out…..your ONE friend who will tell what no one else will so you don’t end up hurt, who tries to be objective with you even now and still tells you to do what is the right thing for YOU….is done.  And to think….yesterday, I was missing my friend and wondering why we could not at least maintain the friendship.

 You were never worth my friendship, my love or my time. Once, you were a man I loved, found extraordinary and thought the world of but you have turned out to be no more than a denial filled, disrespectful, lying ass, chicken shit coward who hides behind a girl to fight his battles. Now, run tell that…..

BTH: I have no beef with you at all; it is with Him and his treatment of me once he met you. However, you chose to put yourself in the middle of this not once, but twice. You are as filled with delusion and denial as he is…..you honestly expect anyone to believe that your FB profile picture was taken in October 2010? Based on what others saw in December 2010, you may want to step up those 6X/week workouts, sweetie. You claim to be a relationship coach…as sweet as your little offer to help me find someone was, I am in no need of your services. First, I have NO problems getting or finding a date or an LTR….I am simply not ready to put myself back out there. Second, with all your experience, the best you can land is a man who is carrying the baggage from his last relationship into yours and has placed it on your doorstep? And the fact you jump into the fray versus telling him to clean up his mess? Hmmmm…I pass. I have no idea why you felt the need to look me up on FB, but that’s awesome. Almost as awesome as the two of you living together and being so happy together, you spent last night both discussing me and emailing me….while I was out on a date. You rock! Seriously, I hold no grudge against you and if you do love him ( and just so you know, he has never told me he loves you nor will he even mention your name to me; you are “someone” or “this woman” and he has “those feelings” for “someone”…not BTH)…..I am glad two such perfectly made for each other people found each other; if you are looking for a meal ticket to support you with your fading looks and out of shape body and 3 kids….I am not the one to stop any woman from doing what she gotta do.

Now, if you both will excuse me, what Him has shown me and caused me to show him leaves a very bitter taste in my mouth and I will leave you two to your happiness.