This should be called He Said/She Said, The Him Years but I chose the title because whatever this man and I had, whatever it still may or could be, is strange. Not weird, not quirky…strange. The definition of strange is as follows: unusual; extraordinary and outside of one’s previous experience. If that does not describe us and what we had, I do not know what does. I say digging the strange because we got it…we got it, we got each other and however we felt towards the other or feel towards the other now….we STILL get it and no matter who we end up with in the future, no one else will ever get us the way we did. We liked the strange, we wanted the strange and the strange is still there…we aren’t. And I cannot speak for him, but I miss the strange.
Our entire relationship was strange and arguments were no different. He was the sort of man who was never wrong. Seriously, according to him, he never did anything but be a true gentleman; the women just went crazy on him…but now I know differently. As I asked him once, YOU are the cause of my craziness and negativity…what’s your excuse? When presented with facts and truth, he would shut up immediately and come back with it was best if we just stayed in touch. I already told you guys about the time he said I was an unwanted mistake….we should never have gotten together and he only wanted me one time to see how it and I would be. That hurt….the few things he did say to me in the heat of an argument were foul, yet he would be hurt and angry when I told him the things I did. I have told him I was so sorry I was not a dead white woman or a gold digger but if he was too damned dumb and blind to see what he had in his face, other men could and would know how to appreciate me while he sat his lonely, middle aged, fat ass in his basement jacking off to thoughts of other women spending his money while fucking other men. He told me I hated him….the emails I sent in anger were proof of that; I told him that to approach him in love was useless as sweet, kind and healthy passed him by, but angry and ghetto caught his attention every time. I told him I hoped his misery and loneliness overcame him and he crossed a busy city street during rush hour traffic butt naked, blindfolded and a bulls-eye on his ass. He said I was a mean bitch; I told him he was just angry that I was better and quicker than him in all areas. I have told him he was a fat-assed, limp dicked bastard who was less than a man and re-defined the word bitch. I have told him he was delusional, denial filled and a chicken shit coward. He says I make him feel badly.
There was the time he told me he was going to “take the gloves off” and I told him to bring it….he could say nothing about me I did not already know and he damned sure could not hurt anymore ( how wrong I was!)…and he hit me with he felt the need to remind me that I was the one who showed up at his house half naked and he reacted as any man would. When I told the Panel THAT one, everyone was rolling with laughter. I told him that while I was not wandering the streets of his suburban county butt naked looking for his house as he is suggesting, I did come dressed for the occasion…we had talked and planned for a week what was going to happen between us. Yes, it was after I sent the pictures of certain body parts, but that was because we both wanted it and if I waited around any longer for him, I would be collecting my social security check from the mailman on my way out the door once he got the nerve to actually come pick me up.
There was the time we got into an argument and I was in my Last Word Bitch mode and spilled secrets I had uncovered by reading his emails….and while he never suspected me of being the one who read the emails, he changed his password. He thought it was Panel members reading the emails and “reporting” to me….he accused me all the time of having spies, and I never corrected him except to say the stories about him and his romantic pursuits had been rumor mill fodder for years. Pretty shitty I let him think it was all gossip and rumor that gave me my info, but when it comes to Him, I have to be the above board one, the one who is always right and who he makes a victim. I have no excuse or reason for even ever thinking of logging into his email account ( I was his secretary, remember, so I had the password) except he was starting to withdraw and act strangely, and not in a way I was digging. My issues raised up and I gave them free rein; I really should have learned by now that if I am going to give in to the issues, I have to keep my mouth shut.
He has always broken up with me on my birthday…it had gotten to the point I did not even want my birthday to roll around as he always said he felt it best to just close the chapter and go our separate ways…..yet we were always reconciled within a week of said statement. In fact, we were reconciled within a week of any argument, and the one where he called me an unwanted mistake and I spilled the email secrets?? Jesus….BEST.SEX.EVER. It was raw, passionate, intense and purely sexual….followed by cuddling, stroking and more secrets shared. There was hair pulling, name calling, porn, visits to taboo places and the next day, I had marks and bruises and could barely walk; he was red and sore in the most intimate of places and told me he was having trouble concentrating. We cyber-sexed all that day and were crazy about each other until he did the next thing to piss me off. Our last reconciliation….beautiful. It was tender and sweet and had that edge of kink and strange that had me floating and drowning while he basked and floated; the looks we exchanged, the passion and intensity that flowed between us….it had the hours passing like minutes and really made me think we were unbreakable and would always have that and each other.
Today….I have no idea how I feel towards him. I do not hate him, but an intense dislike is certainly prevalent. He tossed me and our 6 year friendship/relationship under the bus for a chick he has only known 6 months and I KNOW this chick cannot hold a candle to me in any capacity. He has given out my personal information, talked about me behind my back, lied to me and probably on me and has shown me levels of disrespect and cowardice I NEVER in a thousand years would have attributed to him. I have physical violence being a definite versus a possibility.
I re-read some old emails from him earlier (I will not delete them; not only are they my memories, they are evidence…for what, I have no idea but better to have them than not have them) and I cried a little; the tears do not come as easily now and I am guessing that is a good thing. Earlier, I said I missed the strange….and I do. I miss talking and laughing with him; I miss the sex; I miss the sound of his voice. I MISS HIM…….but after all that has happened (seriously, he has feelings for someone else; he slept with someone else), we definitely see each other differently. I am beyond the level of pisstivity and he is scared to even look this way right now, and we both know that this is the one thing that will ALWAYS come up in any future argument, whether we are sexual or platonic; I said it before…if he sneezes wrong, I am digging in the BTH bag. If he comes up with an excuse, I am digging in the BTH bag. IF he were to return and IF I were to take him back, comparisons would be inevitable. Forgiveness would be hard and any changes and efforts he put forth would be met with skepticism. On his end, the depths of my anger and hurt may have him thinking a vacation in the lowest bowels of Hell would be better than facing the consequences of his latest actions towards me. Honestly, at this point in time, if we were to see each other, I have me telling him that I love him so very, very much but I never want to see him again.
The process is being quiet, and usually when it is quiet that heralds big things I am unprepared for so I am a little worried. But I have my Panel and my faith and I am a strong woman…I have made it this far and I have me reaching the finish line, wherever it may be, in one piece. So that is all I am going to say today about the strange and it hit me while I started writing this blog that this is Black History Month and I have YET to blog about that! WTF is my problem?? So Meredith Grey will go on the shelf for a minute while I put that post together…look for it soon. Have a great day and we will talk by Thursday.