I know you guys probably think I fell off the face of the earth…told you all my business, got some form of closure and just rolled out. You are not so lucky…I am here for the duration of the process and whatever ending this entire situation brings. And then I will still be around as every ending heralds a new beginning and you should know by now that when I am not recycling my men and branch out with someone new, I always end up with the wrong guy. Always.
Two big things happened that kept me from blogging: I have a disgusting cold and when you couple that with my pain…all I want is my bed. Period. The second thing is: KBugg arrived!!! YAY!! The Panel is excited and that baby was a BIG one…almost 9 pounds!! She is beautiful and has a head full of hair along with the fattest, cutest cheeks ever. New Mommy (official name change here) and daughter are doing fine. They are home, doing well and as we get updates, so will you.
Gil Scott-Heron….you may not know the name, the man or his music (check him out on iTunes, Zune, Amazon, Wikipedia, etc.) ….but you know the title of one of his most popular and critically acclaimed recordings: The Revolution Will Not Be Televised. I beg to differ with him….I say revolutions have been televised; it is the evolution that will not be televised. According to Webster, a revolution is: 1. an overthrow or repudiation and the thorough replacement of an established government or political system by the people governed. 2. a radical and pervasive change in society and the social structure, especially one made suddenly and often accompanied by violence. 3. a sudden, complete or marked change in something. We have seen at least 2 of these definitions of revolution play out via television. The first one that comes to mind is the situation in Egypt….that is still a top story on all the major news channels. The second one that comes to mind is the Civil Rights movement that began in the mid 1950s and continues to this day….not just for African Americans, but all people of color and those whose social, personal and religious beliefs do not conform with that of mainstream society. As far as I can remember, the revolution has been televised….and will continue to be televised. Revolution is meant to be seen and heard as that is the only way it can reach the masses….the help and cooperation of many is necessary for the change of revolution to take place.
Evolution, however, will not be televised. Evolution is a process of formation, growth and development. It is a process of progressive, peaceful and gradual change…and it is very private. Change will not be televised…it shall be manifested and its effects can/will be televised, but the evolution itself…we will never see it. We can feel it, we can see the effects of the change, but no one will televise their evolution. For what? Change is messy, painful and usually pretty much unwanted…besides, has anyone other than me ever heard the saying: “the more things change, the more they stay the same”? Unfortunately change is necessary because without change, there is no growth, only stagnation. You begin to settle and think your situation or circumstance is always going to be the way it is and that is how it is supposed to be. Boundaries will not pushed and new horizons will not be explored. And evolution and change happen all the time within and around people and sometimes they are ready to embrace the change….when I was out there in my addiction, something within me told me that there HAD to something better than the life I was living…I am now 8 ½ years clean, a productive and somewhat responsible member of society and working on yet another day sober; New Mommy knew she wanted to do more with her life than be a wife and aunt…..the results are KBugg. Evolution is constant…and no one is immune. Age, race, gender, religion….we all go through it and pretty much once one goal has been accomplished, another takes its place. You may not have a specific goal in mind (at one point, you did not even want the change) , but Universe has its plan for you
Cuz is experiencing an evolution (I tend to call his a revolution as he is fighting change tooth and nail every step of the way) and no one has heard from him. He called me once in the past two weeks only to let me know he is alive. I am not sure what is going on over there, but I think he learning to let go of the anger and hurt. THAT is a tough job as it is easier to hate than to love, especially when you have been done wrong. Yes, he has held on to all the negatives for a long time, but once he surrenders, he can view things objectively and realize that he is the only one still hurting over all that happened. The hatred he feels towards One Great Love even now? She either does not know and after all this time, if she does know, she does not care. Vengeance will not be sweet and will probably land him in jail. Using other women to fulfill physical needs leaves him empty and unfulfilled, and I firmly believe that once someone has been dumped, meaningless sex is not the answer. You are not looking to use or be used….you want to feel as if you matter to someone if only for 24 hours. You want something that affirms your worth and has some semblance of meaning….and you have to be willing to stand your ground to get it. I am not sure what effects will be wrought as a result of Cuz’s current evolutionary process, but if he doesn’t kill himself or others while going through, we will see soon enough.
Oscar is already showing the effects of evolution in her life: our girl has a JOB! YAY A real job that pays a decent salary and in a field she loves. She is dressing more professionally, has more confidence and the baby starts daycare on Monday. Her social circle has not expanded yet but Him, Jr. is being backburnered; yes, she is still riding the emotional rollercoaster and has good days and bad days, but she knows that what has been put in play now has to be played out. That is no reason to stop her life or put herself on hold….she is entering a whole new phase and she plans to utilize her newfound resources to their best advantage. She has options she plans to explore with no expectations and overall, is pleased with the positive direction at least one aspect of her life has taken.
Morning Person sees an evolution may be preparing to take place in her life…..she does not want it. She wants things to remain the same and let her stick to her routine, but she has been around the block enough times to know that it will take place whether she wants it to or not. The best she can do is prepare herself for it, so she is loading up on spiritual and emotional ammunition and armor, calling on friends and networks and placing her ducks in a row. Of course, evolution may pass her by this time around, but better to be safe than sorry.
As for me, an evolution is taking place. I am riding an emotional rollercoaster myself, but I think I am on a downswing. I still dream of him, but recently they have not been sexual or of reconciliation….I have been ripping him new ones, speaking my mind and not accepting excuses. Now when I hear of his demeanor (Chef actually said he has seen corpses look healthier and happier than him is looking right about now), I no longer feel sorry or badly. Like Oscar’s situation, things have been put in motion and I am no longer fighting the current; I am going with the flow. His actions and behaviors have shown me so much I did not want to see, but now is not the time for blinders. I am going to go with the majority here and agree that it still is not over; both camps are regrouping and strategizing and I am not going to be caught unawares or allow our past dictate what happens next. Yes, one upon a time we shared something beautiful, wonderful and special and we were so right and good together and for each other….but the issues and the unhealthiness have made our present something I do not wish to repeat with him or anyone else. I cannot let the love color the ugliness and my evolution is allowing me to not only realize that but to embrace it. Space, time and healing have to do their job so I can learn my lesson from this without holding a grudge; I have to let acceptance and maturity in just a little further so I can be the adult and rise above; as Guardian Princess said today: be content you won this battle, as who ever really wins the war? However things play out, they play out…I would like to say they will play out without me as I would no longer be involved in whatever this has become, but all I can do is make sure I am prepared for whatever happens without turning it into a revolution.
To paraphrase Gil Scott-Heron in/on The Revolution Will Not Be Televised: there will be no sponsors or commercial breaks; you have to change your mind before you can change your lifestyle. The revolution will not be shown in 4 parts, nor will it star any major celebrities. It will not give you sex appeal, people will be in the streets looking for their brighter day and no one will be able to predict the winner. The revolution will not be televised. The same can be said of evolution.