Buddy’s Blues

You guys know my Panel is composed of a diverse group of competent, capable people. We all have our roles, but have no problem doing cross-overs as necessary: we all take turns weirding out, we all play the crazy role at times, and we all have our share of drama. Buddy however has the one role that no one will touch with a ten foot pole….he is our Tough Luck Charlie. Ever hear of the expression “if it weren’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all”? That describes Buddy to a “T”.  All he ever tries to do each day is (and I quote): “ just enjoy the air the Good Lord allows us to breathe”, yet something always goes wrong. Always.

When Buddy lived here in the area, his troubles were always involving transportation and alcohol: his car began throwing sparks on the freeway and by the time he pulled off at the nearest exit, there was a full fledged fire coming from the engine area. Despite the fact he pulled into a busy, commercial district with a bus depot, no one had a fire extinguisher for him to use: not any of the bus drivers sitting on their idling buses (Buddy even SAW a fire extinguisher under the drivers’ seats)  and when he tried to enter one of the numerous government buildings, he actually had to go through the metal detector AND sign in the Visitor’s Log first before he could even tell someone what the problem was. There was the time he fell into a drunk sleep after attending an Island Happy Hour event and rode the train until the subway shut down. The Rail Operator was making sure all the cars were clear and came across Buddy. He woke him, explained he was the end of the line and had to exit the system….Buddy was back where he started and had no way home…..he was a good 30 miles from home and had limited funds. He ended up returning to his office at the Island (the cab fare took all his cash) and spent the night there. Not 4 days later, he experienced the same thing; he had been out clubbing and drinking and was on the train going home and fell into another drunken sleep. This time he ended up 10 miles from home at 3am without a cab in sight, so he had to stagger home. His feet hurt for 3 days afterwards. And NO ONE can forget the time we all went to the Island Holiday Party where he got completely trashed: dance moves so graphic, they bordered on pornographic, trying to match Him (he was just Boss Man/Big Poppa then) drink for drink with tumblers filled with straight Jack Daniels and getting belligerent at the blackjack table. I tried to caution him on his drinking and everyone was making sure he had a ride home. He actually did, but told the driver to let him off at the metro station. He was a grown ass man and was not ready for the night to end. So Buddy gets dropped off, makes it down to the platform to wait for the train, tripped and fell onto the train tracks while the train was coming.  Fortunately, they were able to halt the train in time. Transit Police helped him off the tracks and all Buddy could do was curse the officers out. He was bruised, bloody, had bumps and knots all over his forehead and had damn near been killed…..and he was cursing people out. When he called me the next day, he had vague recollections of what had happened and I told him he needed to not drink. Not saying HE had a problem, but it was obvious it was causing him problems.

He has problems with women…..ALL of his girlfriends have been jealous of me, and I honestly do not know why. Yes, he and I flirt shamelessly, but it is all platonic and in good fun. We know too much about each other for it to turn romantic or even sexual. I am an open and honest person and I describe all things in great detail, including my sexual escapades with all my Panel members…even the guys. The guys do the same and so do a couple of the women; the point is, we are too honest and open with  each other to ever go there. Besides, Buddy likes a slim woman. Yes, he can appreciate my assets and see my sexiness and to him age, race and height makes no difference, but he wants a slim woman with everything proportionate. One of his girlfriends (a crack addict with a son Buddy pretty much raised) actually came to the job to see who I was and cursed him out over me; another saw me at Macy’s and chased me down by name to tell me she was his live in girlfriend and he had my picture up. I was surprised and flattered and told her I had heard all about her (she was not the prettiest thing, but seemed nice, sweet and genuine once I got past the fact she had stalked me through the store) and suggested we get together for dinner or a hang out day….I would bring my man (Married Man) to make it a double date….we never did. The crack addict ended up stealing all of Buddy’s money and his house keys and the stalker chick ended up breaking every dish in the house, chased Buddy into the bathroom where she chopped her way through the door with a butcher knife when he locked the door, crushed his cell phone and pretty much ran Buddy out of his own house, forcing him to sleep outdoors that night. When I asked him what had brought about such behaviors in not one, but TWO women, Buddy had no idea or explanation other than they were crazy as fuck.

Which brings us to the events of the last week…..Buddy ‘s luck has not changed one bit. Even though he has moved out of state, he takes him wherever he goes and his luck is still bad. He filed his taxes and got back a SERIOUS amount of money….damn near $8,000…and was broke within 2 days. Of course he claimed the crack addict’s son as he does every year (and Buddy makes sure the boy and his grandmother get a decent amount of the money); this year, he received a call from the son’s father who stated he was the boy’s father and who the FUCK did Buddy think he was claiming his son?  By rights, HE or the child’s grandmother should be claiming the kid, NOT Buddy. He threatened Buddy with bodily harm if he saw him around the way and told him to watch his back. Buddy can hold his own, but the man is no fool. He loaded his car down with a baseball bat, a machete and dug out his brass knuckles then headed over to Boo’s (formerly known as Psycho Stalker) house. WHY he did this, I will never know as dude who just threatened him lives in Boo’s neighborhood. Once at Boo’s, Buddy knew it was a mistake. Boo was drunk and sitting half naked on the side of the bed eating a pig’s foot. I am not sure what their deal is, but she claims to love him deeply. However, she is a bigger drunk than Buddy and has gained over 50 pounds in the 5 months they have been together…she was a thick girl when they met and remember, Buddy likes a slim, proportionate woman.

Well, Boo was in the mood for some loving, and Buddy wasn’t. That ended up in a huge fight in which Boo’s 6’5” tall son joined in and when it was all over, Buddy had a black eye, Boo was body slammed (Buddy swears he never touched her except to fend off her blows) and the son had a scythe in his hand and was screaming at Buddy that after he cut him in half, he was telling Dude that Threatened him where to find his body. Buddy told the boy he wanted no trouble and just let him leave….then Buddy hightailed it out of there , jumped in his car, and promptly ran himself into an accident. It was not his fault….his light was green  and he was totally sideswiped by a bunch of drunk teenagers,  but the car was totaled, so after going down to the police station to file a report, he was taken home. When he got home, Boo was there on his front porch, yelling and hollering at him for leaving her. He no longer wanted her and he was a low ass man to just leave her the way he was doing. Buddy told her to just move out of his way….he told her he was JUST at her house and after the shit that went down it was best if he stayed at his place and she stayed at hers, but Boo was having none of it. She would leave when Buddy fucked her and not before…and got naked in his front yard. Buddy said he was NOT in the mood, and when Boo pressed him as to why (seriously?), he told her that her weight gain took away his sex drive. He told her she was a disgusting, abusive drunk and no way was he EVER getting with her again in life. Now PLEASE put your clothes on and get off my property before I call the police to remove you…..and he went in his house and locked the front door.

THIS should be end of the story, but this is Buddy…of course it isn’t. He headed to his kitchen to pour himself a drink….and I do not blame him. In less than 4 hours, he had been threatened with physical violence, involved in a fist fight that ended with him being damn near assaulted with a deadly weapon, gotten into a car accident that ended up with a totaled car and verbally and sexually harassed by a drunk woman who was living up to her Psycho Stalker reputation. And as soon as he got the glass out of the cabinet, Boo came crashing through his back door butt naked. Buddy screamed, dropped the glass and reached for his phone to call the police….and Boo was gone. Not running across the yard, not jumping in her car (Buddy swears he never saw her car when he came home and has no idea HOW the woman got to his house)….she was gone. As if she were Wonder Woman and had flown off in her invisible jet….and Buddy now had to deal with repairing his back door before he could take a drink and sleep this day from hell away.

Boo sobered up in a couple of days, she and Buddy reconciled and even her son came through with an apology. The back door was repaired and the Dude that Threatened him has yet to materialize. So for now, calm reigns in Buddy’s world…..he and Boo even had a real date: dinner and movies; however, the vehicle he is driving now has an expired inspection sticker so while they were at dinner, the truck got towed. Oh, and he lost some Superbowl bets as the Green Machine made scrap metal of the Steelers.

So there you have it…a glimpse into the life of Buddy; I may have to re-think which of us actually has the most drama….he has Policeman beat this week. I will be back later this week with He Said/She Said and my plans for going forward. Hope you enjoyed it, and talk around Tuesday.

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