Laid To Rest

Before I can even begin today’s post, I must first issue a retraction, apology or something that will tell the world and my readers that I am wrong and Morning Person is right. In my last blog post (Everything, All at Once), I stated that Morning Person was a supporter of the BTH….and I got a 5:30am wakeup call in which I was called a hussy by Morning Person. Seriously. She is NOT happy with that statement and I am to tell you that Morning Person is NOT a supporter of the BTH, Him or even me for that matter. Yes, she is MY friend and will be until the end of time but in regards to this particular fiasco, she is a supporter of honesty, fairness, objectivity and common sense. She says I say that she is a supporter of BTH because Morning Person said the woman was attractive; it is PARTLY true. I am in no way angry Morning Person has her own opinion….one of the reasons I incorporated these people into my Circle of Friends is that they their own person with their own opinions and ideas. I value diversity, fairness, strong will and independence amongst my peers and while I do not see the attractiveness I am not hating because someone can. I am upset because Morning Person neglected to say…Yes she is attractive, BUT you are pettier, cuter, etc. Told you I was a petty bitch…..she can be attractive as long as I am more so. Say what you will, I make no apologies for feeling that way. So, my apologies to Morning Person, and remember: she is NOT a supporter of the BTH.

Here are a couple of updates for you: Pregnant One is STILL pregnant!! She is entering her 10th month of pregnancy and has reassured me that this time next week, KBugg will be in her arms and ready for her place at the Children’s Table we are setting up here on the Panel. The bets we placed on whether or not another communication would be sent…..anyone who said I would get another one the next day…lost. Which is a good thing, but I have been advised to stay on high alert as no one thinks this is over with by a long shot. And the post on Buddy will be written after I clean my apartment. I have to do that first because I have Buddy’s post being kinda long, kinda funny and my house is begging me to do something with it.

So, there has been no more communication from either Him or BTH and I am using this opportunity to close the door on this. I have my explanation and sincere apology and I must say Chef hit it on the head when he told me I had the closure I needed, I simply didn’t see it: the man is an issue laden coward who cannot deal with the consequences of his actions. I did cry the other night and wonder why he could not see me and what we had, but he can see it…..he just does not know what to do with it. I read my horoscopes today and mine told me that I am in a period of contemplation…patience is my watch word….like a fisherman, cast my line into the water and wait for the fish to come to me; forcing events to take place will work against me. Utilizing this time to repair emotional or mental damage is highly encouraged. I like that…..I may be single, but am not lonely (although horny as hell)….I am regaining my social life and with it, my self-confidence. And we all know it falls into your lap when you least expect it. Oh, I did read his….it said that thinking the grass is greener will be his undoing. I am not saying a word.

The Panel is feeling mixed on everything: none of them believe it is over with us…Morning Person will not say one way or another, but the advice and admonishments I receive from her lead me to believe she feels that there may be one spin left on the merry-go-round for us and she has flatly stated that if we do reconcile friendships will be broken. Girlfriend is another who will not say what she thinks about the future but she keeps telling me to ignore and delete. Oscar and Artsy Craftsy say that whatever is meant to be will be and Pregnant One says a friendship may be possible if we can put the pieces back together. Buddy swears that first, he would have put Him on total blast for bringing things to the level he dragged them down to, but we are each other’s past, present and future. Chef and Cuz are in agreement that we are not done and Bell Pepper, Mini-Me and Quiet One see us reconciled for the long term. Queen Bee swooped in for the latest on the drama and to dispense her advice: definitely he will be back. We have too much history, passion and secrets between us for him to stay away. He never walked away…he simply stepped into the next room and left the door cracked so I could see exactly what he was doing. And she offered a theory as to the latest twist in the soap opera: the man is a coward and perhaps he is wanting a way out. He KNOWS I have no cut cards whatsoever, so he is using me as the catalyst to cut the ties that bind with the BTH.

I see nothing….he has a future planned with the BTH and I am still recuperating and recovering. I do know I want to grow stronger (seriously, a 10 minute email exchange can still affect me that way?) and I need to get rid of this feeling of us being unfinished business within me….that is the one thing I know that will draw me back in should he attempt to return. Again, I did not go through all this and see all he opened my eyes to simply to roll over and jump blindly back in. He has offered this chick too much in too short a time for me to be content with his apologies and excuses when I am ready to see him….sorry, I do not come with them built in and am no longer accepting yours. I can no longer justify and rationalize his behaviors and to rebuild a foundation of trust, respect and friendship that was 6 years in the making? I have wasted too many years on people, places and things that leave me with nothing but lessons….I want someone who can return what I give without me having to beat them over the head to get it….Married Man had to be put in the closet and him has to be cursed out or reprimanded like a child. I want a MAN, not a child. After all, they are getting a woman….and a damned good one at that.

So Him is being laid to rest. The wreck has been cleared and for the time being, there is nothing to see here. The funeral is finally taking place, and if anyone has any words to say about the person no longer a part of my life, feel free to leave a comment.  I am keeping my promises and respecting wishes…he will receive not one communication from me; his picture has been taken down and placed in my panty drawer (I thought he would like that) and I am making plans to go out and be seen. Spam filters are in place and phone blocks are on….I need new photos to show me and the world just how pretty, sexy and completely wonderful I am. I have been eclipsed and in shadows too long….time to shine!

I am putting on some tunes and preparing to get the house in some sort of shape and order…..Buddy’s Blues will be up sometime later tonight or Sunday morning. Talk soon!


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