Everything, All At Once

You all know I love my horoscopes. I read them from at least 4 different sites and I do it all: horoscopes, lovescopes, numeroscopes, Tarot readings (general, daily and love) and even the Chinese Astrology. It is a toss as to whether they are on point: sometimes they have me and the Panel scratching our heads wondering who is living my life but other times, we know it is pure bull biscuits Like the time it told me to dump my current set of friends if they could not find someone to hook me up with, or when they told me an intense romantic encounter would help heal me. I was actually game to give that one a shot, but Pregnant One threatened to come sit on me if I did so….I am NOT ready for anyone or anything. The other morning, my horoscope told me it was a weird day to be me as I am entangled in the beginning stages of something that is emotionally hard to fathom, but the more layers I peel back, the greater understanding I gain. The Panel and I agree that this one is on point, but we all have the same question: we are only at the beginning? And it would appear we are…grab snacks as this could be a long one.

My morning began with a cigarette and another dose of drama. You guys read my response to Him and the BTH, right? I would like to think I was as clear as possible and made several points to both parties. Well, they BOTH responded! Seriously…..BTH sent me an email at 1am. No shit. This time she feels the need to tell me Him is her husband (amazing that Tuesday morning she was his fiancée….must have been one helluva  24 hours) and they are happy and in love. If I truly want his happiness, I need to lift them up and be filled with life and love and happiness. Oh, she also felt the need to tell me how established she is: she drives a Jaguar that is paid for, she lives in a notable suburb and she holds a titled position with a financial firm….and all while raising her 3 beautiful kids on her own. And this would be her last email….the Panel is taking bets: so far, 5-3 that I will have another email on Thursday. To break down her missive: first, I KNOW how you are living in that fancy suburb sweetie….nothing to brag about…..I have Section 8 living better than that. Your car….Cuz said it must be a classic 1978 model, but I have her paying for it from her pole spinning days…I know that is mean, but this chick is tripping. Her titled position? First, every position is titled and the title she gave me is an entry level position; however if you switch the words and add a couple…it would be something I could tip my hat to her for.  Raising 3 kids on her own….self explanatory. I am just wondering how many baby daddies she has.

I told this chick in no uncertain terms (again) that what was going on between him and I was between him and I. He knows exactly why it is going down the way it is and for him to have given my personal information to anyone (even his wife) had definitely crossed a line. I do not know what he has told her, but he knows the truth and that is why he has yet to tell me to go fuck off. For the record, I have never stated I wanted his happiness….he has taken mine and no way am I wishing him more than I have myself; I do not wish to see him hurt. I told her that she keeps inserting herself in this to fight his battles and I have no interest in what she has or does not have. I told her I am ending this crap because this is ridiculous: you HAVE the man….whatever I offer, he left me for you so why are you worried? So worried you are up until all hours of the night to email me when I am sleeping, dating, talking to friends, blogging…anything but thinking about you or him. You have a man in your bed who you claim loves you and is happy with you and you are emailing his ex. Makes sense to me. I put them both in my spam filter and told her again, to go enjoy her happiness. And after all that, she came back again, telling me to stop emailing her husband.

Morning Person (who was a supporter of the BTH….she said we do not know the woman, we can make no judgments) was speechless…anytime someone makes me the mature one in the group, it has got to be bad. Bell Pepper said she can smell the fear from here and Pregnant One and Quiet One say they can tell I have rattled her chain and are proud of me for standing my ground and keeping this between him and I. Quiet One says the woman is showing her ignorance and insecurity and that is a not a good sign. Chef is wondering why we question his not wanting another relationship and Cuz flatly stated that if this chick is so banging and rolling with so much, what does she want with him? The man makes a point. According to Cuz, the woman is hood rat bitch who is lying through her teeth. Girlfriend declared she is a liar who believes her own lies and that is why she and him hit it off so well together as he is delusional as hell. Oscar says the bitch needs to shut up about him being her husband….she wants to see the ring, the license and the wedding pictures. A witness or 2 may be needed as well.

Which brings me to his response….which made Morning Person damn near choke, Bell Pepper had to call to ask WHAT was going on, and Quiet One re-read twice. Girlfriend said to delete, delete, delete and Cuz said his head hurt and he was out of theories and analysis. Artsy Craftsy was excited….his response coupled with BTH’s early morning missive has her thinking it could be the return of Him and the de-throning of the Evil Twin. Artsy Craftsy really likes him….yeah, he is confused and lame and a jerk at times, but overall, him is a good guy. Pregnant One says that there is trouble in Paradise and with the right attitude and patience…..we could be Us: The Happy Edition again. Morning Person told me DO NOT RESPOND. She cannot go through this again. Period. His response was perhaps the first communication that did not require the secret decoder ring or the special read between the line glasses we sometimes need to break out…there were a couple of patches, but not like it usually is. Side note: this is just something I find interesting. When BTH emails, she always copies him on the email, but when he emails/responds, it is only to me.

He sincerely apologized for the hater bitch comment….he said it was completely unwarranted and he was venting his frustrations (I think the “get right with God” comment scared him shitless, and I wonder what he was frustrated about); he stated I could tell the world about our relationship and if asked, he would tell people, yes, he was in a personal relationship with me  and that it involved sex and porn and he enjoyed every minute of it (and I wonder why I can be open about us now that we are over?); he apologized for hurting and upsetting me (once again and for the final time)…and this time, I actually felt that he meant it; he gave me an explanation: he knew we were in a relationship but was unsure of the level of commitment and by the time I found out, I was too angry to listen to anything he had to say; he would always give me a great reference when it came to getting a job but for right now it was best to cut off communication and personal contact. I have him saying that for two reasons: first, BTH got my email address somehow, and him is the common denominator so he wants me to calm down from that; second, he wanted to calm down the BTH and I do not have it being out of love or respect….he wants to minimize the drama.

I respected his wishes and left it alone; 20 minutes later he is asking me do I accept his apology and explanation? I told him that both were accepted and appreciated. I told him that I wanted to sincerely apologize to him for anything I said or did that hurt him, belittled him or caused him to feel less than. I explained to him what happened to me: we had just reconciled, he put out those promises and saying I was the only one, and no, we had not seen each other in a month (we were communicating via email and telephone) but that was due to both of us working lots of hours and then he is taking this chick places and flaunting this relationship in my face; on top of betraying our friendship and breaking trust, he was totally disrespecting me and could not even tell me goodbye or that he had moved on. It raised all of my issues and I just could not control it….my brakes would not apply and I lost control and I was so sorry, so sorry (and I really am…I was tearing up writing him this). Then he comes back with: I miss you. It’s okay and I understand. And that is when  I was ready to break down….in spite of all the ugliness and the fucked up things we said and did….he still understood me and he forgave me and I do not want him to understand and forgive….that would make us…us again and we can’t be us again….he is getting married. Then he asked could we be friends, and I told him that true friendship and unconditional love could forgive and overcome any hurt or grievance. Just know that I was not ready to stop loving him or being with him; he counters with he agrees with everything I said and could it heal us? I told him with enough time, space and healing it could and he said he understood. Then he asked me about Artsy Craftsy and hit me with would I tell people about our porn? I had the biggest smile on my face because it was like old times….random talk on any and every subject…..for a little while there was no ugliness, no BTH….just us being us. I told him that our kinks, fetishes and perversions would be our secret (on my end) and all we shared together would be ours. Although he was the one I honestly thought was my one (I have never felt so amazing, so protected, understood and accepted by any man ever), I also did not have me telling people about our relationship….what for? He was with another…..and he told me no one knew the things I did.

Everything, all at once was hitting me: happiness, love, hurt, anger, expectations, disappointment….and even though he could not see my tears fall, I told him I was going to Starbucks and to take care of himself and maybe we will meet/see each other in the future…I did not want him to see me cry. And I am crying now..over what we had and still have, over what is lost and over this goodbye. I no longer question why but I do wonder what the fuck happened to us? I don’t know….and I miss him so much right now. The love is back and all that has happened over the past 5 months, I would once again wipe the slate clean just for the chance for us to be us again. And this is exactly why Girlfriend, Chef and  Morning Person told me to NOT respond…we are both still too emotionally entangled and ready to fall into each other if given a chance. Oscar and Cuz have no idea what will happen and are scared to hazard a guess; Bell Pepper, Artsy Craftsy and Pregnant One all think this could be the first step towards healing, forgiveness and either a reconciliation or closure for both of us. Quiet One says we will be reunited and while she feels he does not deserve respect or forgiveness, she thinks we belong together. The love and caring are still there…will he know how to appreciate it?

I don’t know anything…not who we are, what will happen or why after everything, we still fit together so wonderfully. All I do know is right now he no longer belongs to me and I really do not know what I want from him or myself for that matter. My skin still has smoke rising from it from walking through this fire and I need time and quiet. I need to once again accept the fact that he is getting married to another, that he told me he has “those feelings” for someone….who is not me. That even though our ties that bind are still there, we are no longer connected to the ends of the rope….we are in different books and someone overlapped the pages for a few minutes that had me suspended in a bubble of comfort and happiness and helped me to remember why I love him so and that nothing has changed on any level or plane for us…..what we are together has not changed and the realities we have created for ourselves are still in place, which sucks so badly right now.

So I am going to bed to hold tight to a good memory and place it with the others as he has reversed the lie for me…thank you for leaving me with those. Tomorrow we will FINALLY talk about Buddy as we all could use a good laugh about now….time to replace this drama and emotion filled soap opera with a sitcom.

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