Romeo and Juliet in the 20th Century

This is NOT the Black History Month tribute post….I am still researching that one and should have it posted by tomorrow. I want it to be educational, entertaining and more than a listing of accomplishments we already know about. I am not going to present you guys with: George Washington Carver discovered over 500 uses for the peanut…although NO laughing if that sentence does make its way into the post. This post is about a love story…..all the great playwrights term a love story a tragedy. Tragedy is defined as something great destined to downfall and/or destruction; a lamentable, dreadful, or fatal event or affair; calamity; disaster. When the love or lovers is/are unhealthy, all the definitions apply and even when the love is healthy, strong and long lasting….it is still a tragedy because eventually, someone will die and leave their partner behind to mourn and grieve. It sounds like a downer, but no love story will have a happy ending. Happy moments, good times, maybe even a happily ever after.…but never a happy ending.

I am NOT going to talk about my love story….neither Married Man or Him are tragedies….yet.  I have them being stupid and not unique, although one more stunt from either party may result in me being the subject of a Lifetime Movie of the Week. Married Man was a series of WTF moments who seems to be fucking over my money since I will no longer fuck him and Him….I have no idea what to say about him or us. Definitely some WTF moments, shadows and light, deception covered with truths….all I know is after all I offered these men and the wonderful way I treated them ( Kings would envy their treatment),  BOTH of those mofos  lied to me and on me and they both gave away my personal info (Married Man even told his wife where I lived!); one of them is realizing too late what he had in me and how easy it would have been to keep me and until 10 days ago, the other had been using the most immature and infantile methods to still keep me on the fringes.  I thought about blogging about Ike and Tina….but they are not tragic. A wide eyed, naïve girl swept off her feet by a suave, sophisticated big city guy…..not sure if Ike ever felt any love or caring for Tina, but in my experience, all you need is for one person to be completely in love and the other willing to play along to make it work. I do know Ike was selfish and a user….he wanted what he wanted and would use any means necessary to make HIS dreams a reality and collect all the rewards and glory. He beat the love Tina held for him right out of her….and that is a shame, but not a tragedy.  Then I thought about Romeo and Juliet, but who doesn’t know the story? Teenagers from feuding families fall in love and decide that being together in death is better than being alive and apart. And then I came across a real life couple who may have been soul mates or they could have just been completely fucked up and the romantic in me wants to believe that it was true love; in any case, they amplified Romeo and Juliet to unheard of heights (or depths maybe a better word).

My ode to a love story tragedy goes to a couple I am willing to bet no one has ever heard of….Oscar and Morning Person know only because when I saw the movie I had to tell SOMEONE (two someones, actually) just how fucked up the whole thing was. My tragic love story couple is Sid Vicious and Nancy Spungen, better known as Sid and Nancy. I have been having sleepless nights (again) and found myself up at 1am surfing channels on the TV the other night and stumbled across a movie called Sid & Nancy….and was hooked! I am a sucker for the unhealthy love story as there are so few of them around, and seriously….I had me googling and using Wikipedia to find out the true story behind the movie, and that is when I knew I had to blog about it. I knew it was a true story as I have heard of Sid Vicious and knew just a little of his death, but even if I did not already know it was true story, after seeing the movie, I would have known because it is just too fucked up and convoluted to be anything but truth.

Sid Vicious was THE poster boy for the punk movement of the late 70s: skinny, pale, a cutter ( he would appear onstage freshly cut and bleeding; once he had a roomful of fans watch him cut Nancy’s name into his chest) , an addict and alcoholic and a loner. The walking epitome of a rebel without a cause; in contrast to that, he was weak, shy, trusting and could not fight his way out of a wet paper bag. He was born John Simon Ritchie  in Britain, to a woman who was a nurse and heroin addict; he never knew his father and at an early age, his mother introduced him to heroin…he was addicted from Day 1 until the day he died. He was extraordinarily gifted: he learned how to play bass and drums literally overnight but the boy could not sing a lick. He was smart as a whip, but a poor student and was pretty much asexual….before meeting Nancy, he had only been intimate maybe 3 times before and told his mother he did not see what others saw in sex….he got zero pleasure or satisfaction from it. He drifted around with different bands: Siouxie ( pronounced Suzy) and the Banshees, The Pogues and New York City Dolls before he and his best (and only) friend Johnny Rotten (pseudonym) formed the Sex Pistols. Although the band stayed mainly underground and their first album was banned in the UK, they developed and built a steady following on both sides of the Atlantic.

Nancy Spungen was troubled from birth. She was  born with her umbilical cord strangling her and at the age of 4 months was placed on sedatives to calm her nerves. A 4 month old on sedatives, and with a case of “nerves”? Yet, by all accounts all she did was scream….not cry, not laugh or smile or coo….scream. She was angry and combative as a child and had threatened to kill her siblings on more than one occasion.  No doctor in the Philadelphia area (her hometown) would treat her because of her anger and violence, and she was diagnosed as being bipolar. She had tantrums and violent outbursts all her life; she once hurled herself through a glass enclosed phone booth, yelling curse words and curses at her mother when her parents refused to send her money, stating she would spend it on drugs. She too was a loner, and had fallen into the drug scene…heroin was THE drug of the 70s… but she was a brilliant student. She received a full scholarship to the University of Colorado, but was kicked out after her first semester and BANNED from the ENTIRE STATE of Colorado….and I just want to know what the FUCK did she do? Do you know how BIG Colorado is, and how many cities are in Colorado?? HOW does one get banned from an entire state? But banned she was and in addition to the drug scene, she was heavily into the up and coming punk rock scene. It was not a phase for her…she adopted the lifestyle and became a professional groupie (read stalker). She supported herself and her habit by prostituting herself and ripping people off. All she had was her rash personality, brains and her sexuality….and they were serving her well.

Sid and Nancy met in England; Nancy had gotten across the Atlantic in pursuit of the lead singer of New York City Dolls…as a professional groupie all she wanted to do was sleep with him, do his drugs , drink his liquor and take a picture with him, but she never caught up with him. Instead, she ran came across Johnny Rotten and Sid Vicious at a mutual friend’s house. Nancy’s sights were set on Johnny….he was the lead singer, but Johnny was not interested and Nancy only knew Sid as the bass player; until she saw them in concert later that evening with their mutual friend Linda (who was good friends with both Johnny and Sid) did she realize Sid was their front man and garnered more attention for his antics from the audience than Johnny did for his vocal abilities. Nancy set her sights…..and went for it. Since they were both junkies, they had their love of heroin in common, and Nancy introduced him to intravenous drug use……before meeting Nancy, Sid either smoked or inhaled the drug. They had their love of the punk scene and their shared misery over their childhoods….it seemed they had more in common than anyone would have thought and the first time they made love….it was explosive and a revelation for them both. Sid wanted every inch of her, all the time and Nancy kept asking him if he really liked HER…not her sex, not her drugs….did he like HER, because she really liked him. From the night of their first time together, Sid and Nancy were inseparable except for the Sex Pistols first and only US tour; the band broke up after their performance in San Francisco because of Sid’s erratic behaviors and drug and alcohol abuse. Johnny Rotten claimed and told all who would listen that the breakup was a direct result of Nancy’s influence over Sid, and Nancy gained a reputation as a punk rock Yoko Ono. Sid and Nancy moved to New York City where Sid embarked on a solo career….but he had no band, no label and ended up playing local venues to make the money to support him and his girl. They lived in the Chelsea Hotel (a once famous NYC hotel that eventually became its own red light district) and got high every day; they did not always eat regularly but they supported their habits. Their personal relationship deteriorated as their drug usage escalated: verbal and physical abuse became commonplace, and in defense of Sid, he never struck Nancy first…he was defending himself from her constant blows and slaps. Arguments were commonplace and attempts to reconcile with their families were stonewalled and the frustration was taken out on each other. And despite the arguments, the fights and the insults….their sex life kept getting better and better. They threatened to leave each other all the time, but neither would leave….they were all they knew; in such a short time, they had become best friends, husband and wife, and each other’s family. I want to say they really were in love….they could fuck each other up and over , but no one else could. Nancy bought Sid a knife to protect him from the bullies in the streets and no one could disrespect Nancy in Sid’s presence; he may get his ass kicked but he would go down defending the woman he loved.

The end of the relationship, which lasted 21 months,  happened so quickly it boggles the mind. There was an argument….Nancy was saying she no longer wanted to live this life and Sid told her she was blind and dumb. Nancy said she was NOT blind, she could see everything. I am going to say that this argument would have been the end of them regardless as Nancy was nearing the end of her addiction and she was willing to trade the pain of the same for the pain of change; Sid was not willing to face his realities and no one can make an addict change until they are ready. In any case, the argument escalated and Sid tried to leave but Nancy told him it was 5am…he would be hurt or killed on the streets…stay with her. Then she kept yelling and wailing that she was tired and could not live her existence another day; Sid pulls out the knife and asked her if she wanted to die. Here is where the story gets convoluted but all agree Nancy said yes, she wanted to die. Whether Sid stabbed her or she ran and fell on the knife is in question, but Nancy had an inch deep stab wound in her lower abdomen….the lovers shot up the last of their drugs and fell asleep/passed out in each other’s arms; when Nancy woke up later than afternoon to use the bathroom, she basically woke up dead…she had bled out while she was sleeping and after making it to the bathroom, she dropped dead in front of the bathroom sink. She was 20 years old.

Sid was arrested for her murder but his bail was paid by his record label (he had signed with Virgin Records. The boy had a look, could play bass and drums and a following…he did not need to know how to sing); 10 days after Nancy died, her funeral was held. Sid was banned at the request of Nancy’s family, and that was the first suicide attempt by Sid….he split his forearms wide open as if he were filleting fish; his mother who had surfaced and come to the US to support and care for her son, found him and admitted him to Bellevue. After a 2 month stay there, he was released. He found another girlfriend but told her that he could never love her….his heart, his soul was with Nancy and he only wanted to go join her. His girlfriend asked him to move in with her; she was not trying to replace Nancy, just make him happy for a little while. About 2 weeks after that, Sid and the new girlfriend threw a party and Sid stated he wanted to get high; his mother offered to go cop him some heroin. She did, and that night Sid Vicious wrote a suicide note which spoke of the death pact he and Nancy had made, how unhappy he was without her and to please bury him with his baby….and then he overdosed on heroin. Sid was 21 at the time of his death.

Sid was cremated (Nancy was buried in a Jewish cemetery and since Sid was not Jewish, could not be buried there) and his ashes scattered over her grave. And so is the story of Sid and Nancy….gives live fast and die young a whole new meaning. They live on in photographs, books, movies and even songs; “Butterfly” by Crazytown is an ode to them. Kindred souls separated by an ocean and brought together by fate….inseparable even in death. The question is: was it tragic that two people could bring out both the best and worst in each other and still choose to be together always, not letting even death keep them apart, or would it have been tragic that they never would have found the understanding, acceptance and love (if only for a brief time)  they both craved had they not met?

Digging the Strange

This should be called He Said/She Said, The Him Years but I chose the title because whatever this man and I had, whatever it still may or could be, is strange. Not weird, not quirky…strange.  The definition of strange is as follows: unusual; extraordinary and outside of one’s previous experience. If that does not describe us and what we had, I do not know what does. I say digging the strange because we got it…we got it, we got each other and however we felt towards the other or feel towards the other now….we STILL get it and no matter who we end up with in the future, no one else will ever get us the way we did. We liked the strange, we wanted the strange and the strange is still there…we aren’t. And I cannot speak for him, but I miss the strange.

Our entire relationship was strange and arguments were no different. He was the sort of man who was never wrong. Seriously, according to him, he never did anything but be a true gentleman; the women just went crazy on him…but now I know differently. As I asked him once, YOU are the cause of my craziness and negativity…what’s your excuse? When presented with facts and truth, he would shut up immediately and come back with it was best if we just stayed in touch. I already told you guys about the time he said I was an unwanted mistake….we should never have gotten together and he only wanted me one time to see how it and I would be. That hurt….the few things he did say to me in the heat of an argument were foul, yet he would be hurt and angry when I told him the things I did. I have told him I was so sorry I was not a dead white woman or a gold digger but if he was too damned dumb and blind to see what he had in his face, other men could and would know how to appreciate me while he sat his lonely, middle aged, fat ass in his basement jacking off to thoughts of other women spending his money while fucking other men. He told me I hated him….the emails I sent in anger were proof of that; I told him that to approach him in love was useless as sweet, kind and healthy passed him by, but angry and ghetto caught his attention every time. I told him I hoped his misery and loneliness overcame him and he crossed a busy city street during rush hour traffic butt naked, blindfolded and a bulls-eye on his ass.  He said I was a mean bitch; I told him he was just angry that I was better and quicker than him in all areas. I have told him he was a fat-assed, limp dicked bastard who was less than a man and re-defined the word bitch. I have told him he was delusional, denial filled and a chicken shit coward. He says I make him feel badly.

There was the time he told me he was going to “take the gloves off” and I told him to bring it….he could say nothing about me I did not already know and he damned sure could not hurt anymore ( how wrong I was!)…and he hit me with he felt the need to remind me that I was the one who showed up at his house half naked and he reacted as any man would. When I told the Panel THAT one, everyone was rolling with laughter. I told him that while I was not wandering the streets of his suburban county butt naked looking for his house as he is suggesting, I did come dressed for the occasion…we had talked and planned for a week what was going to happen between us. Yes, it was after I sent the pictures of certain body parts, but that was because we both wanted it and if I waited around any longer for him, I would be collecting my social security check from the mailman on my way out the door once he got the nerve to actually come pick me up.

There was the time we got into an argument and I was in my Last Word Bitch mode and spilled secrets I had uncovered by reading his emails….and while he never suspected me of being the one who read the emails, he changed his password. He thought it was Panel members reading the emails and “reporting” to me….he accused me all the time of having spies, and I never corrected him except to say the stories about him and his romantic pursuits had been rumor mill fodder for years.  Pretty shitty I let him think it was all gossip and rumor that gave me my info, but when it comes to Him, I have to be the above board one, the one who is always right and who he makes a victim. I have no excuse or reason for even ever thinking of logging into his email account ( I was his secretary, remember, so I had the password) except he was starting to withdraw and act strangely, and not in a way I was digging. My issues raised up and I gave them free  rein; I really should have learned by now that if I am going to give in to the issues, I have to keep my mouth shut.

He has always broken up with me on my birthday…it had gotten to the point I did not even want my birthday to roll around as he always said he felt it best to just close the chapter and go our separate ways…..yet we were always reconciled within a week of said statement. In fact, we were reconciled within a week of any argument, and the one where he called me an unwanted mistake and I spilled the email secrets?? Jesus….BEST.SEX.EVER. It was raw, passionate, intense and purely sexual….followed by cuddling, stroking and more secrets shared. There was hair pulling, name calling, porn, visits to taboo places and the next day, I had marks and bruises and could barely walk; he was red and sore in the most intimate of places and told me he was having trouble concentrating. We cyber-sexed all that day and were crazy about each other until he did the next thing to piss me off. Our last reconciliation….beautiful. It was tender and sweet and had that edge of kink and strange that had me floating and drowning while he basked and floated; the looks we exchanged, the passion and intensity that flowed between us….it  had the hours passing like minutes and really made me think we were unbreakable and would always have that and each other.

Today….I have no idea how I feel towards him. I do not hate him, but an intense dislike is certainly prevalent. He tossed me and our 6 year friendship/relationship under the bus for a chick he has only known 6 months and I KNOW this chick cannot hold a candle to me in any capacity. He has given out my personal information, talked about me behind my back, lied to me and probably on me and has shown me levels of disrespect and cowardice I NEVER in a thousand years would have attributed to him. I have physical violence being a definite versus a possibility.

 I re-read some old emails from him earlier (I will not delete them; not only are they my memories, they are evidence…for what, I have no idea but better to have them than not have them) and I cried a little; the tears do not come as easily now and I am guessing that is a good thing. Earlier, I said I missed the strange….and I do. I miss talking and laughing with him; I miss the sex; I miss the sound of his voice. I MISS HIM…….but after all that has happened (seriously, he has feelings for someone else; he slept with someone else), we definitely see each other differently. I am beyond the level of pisstivity and he is scared to even look this way right now, and we both know that this is the one thing that will ALWAYS come up in any future argument, whether we are sexual or platonic; I said it before…if he sneezes wrong, I am digging in the BTH bag. If he comes up with an excuse, I am digging in the BTH bag. IF he were to return and IF I were to take him back, comparisons would be inevitable. Forgiveness would be hard and any changes and efforts he put forth would be met with skepticism. On his end, the depths of my anger and hurt may have him thinking a vacation in the lowest bowels of Hell would be better than facing the consequences of his latest actions towards me. Honestly, at this point in time, if we were to see each other, I have me telling him that I love him so very, very much but I never want to see him again.

The process is being quiet, and usually when it is quiet that heralds big things I am unprepared for so I am a little worried. But I have my Panel and my faith and I am a strong woman…I have made it this far and I have me reaching the finish line, wherever it may be, in one piece. So that is all I am going to say today about the strange and it hit me while I started writing this blog that this is Black History Month and I have YET to blog about that! WTF is my problem?? So Meredith Grey will go on the shelf for a minute while I put that post together…look for it soon. Have a great day and we will talk by Thursday.

He Said/She Said (Married Man Edition)

First, I am going to apologize for not posting sooner….this week has been weird to say the least. Work has been kicking my ass (doing my job as well as someone else’s), the cold is gone but my pain remains (although it is lessening) and I am just so lethargic all the time it is not funny. All I want to do is lay around and sleep…one would think I was the one who just had a baby versus New Mommy. But, after sleeping for almost 2 days straight (cannot believe I missed the Kid N Play reunion on Way Black When) I am ready to get back in the swing of things….for a little while at least.

Arguments…we all have them and we have them with everyone: parents, siblings, spouses/significant others, children, co-workers, friends, strangers and even ourselves. No two people will always ever agree and there will be times when we will not or cannot agree to disagree, and so the argument starts. Everyone is right, no one is wrong and things can get heated. My Panel and I have minor disagreements as we all know when another is about to just go out in left field, and when it reaches that point, we will hang up on that member. Not just hang up in the middle of the other person speaking, but we will let them know that right now talking to them is pretty much impossible and we will talk to them after they have calmed down. Cuz and I hear this statement a lot.

The majority of my arguments take place with my men and I am the WORST person to have an argument with….I am the one who will ALWAYS be right, and will do what I have to do to make sure of that. It helps (or maybe it doesn’t) that I have a unique way of looking at things (it will be true and honest, but no one else would ever think to view things the way I do) and hear what I want to hear, and will twist what I do hear so I am right and you are wrong.

I usually find if you hit a person with unadulterated facts, they will shut up, retreat and eventually concede. Married Man was the exception. He had only one rebuttal to any and everything I hit him with during our arguments….I was not his wife.  I would tell him I may not be his wife, but I AM the chick whose bed he lays in, he eats my food, sticks his dick in my mouth and HE is the one who asked for a key to my apartment and wants me to see only him….so wife or not, he was going to give me the respect I was entitled to or he could get to steppin’. He would shut up. When I discovered he was bringing other women to my house while I was at work…maybe that was the beginning of the end. I had stayed home because I was sicker than two dogs and was asleep when I heard voices at my door and the key in the lock. Married Man opened the door partially and closed it quicker than shit….I heard footsteps running down the hall and then he comes back in, asking what was I doing home. THAT statement pissed me off so badly, I just went upside his head. No words, just popped the crap out of him. I then demanded to know why he was questioning the fact I was in MY house…he paid not ONE bill, and only made the bills I did have to pay a fucking necessity. Seriously, the man expected lunch every day he worked and a Sunday dinner on Saturday afternoon; he laid his naked ass in my bed on my sheets and had left skid marks a couple of times; he used my water, soap and wash cloths to wash his ass (after I saw the skid marks the second time, he had to wash before and after); he took dumps in my toilet and used my toilet tissue to wipe his ass; he sucked up my air in the summer and my heat in the winter……and he wanted to know what the fuck I was doing home?  Then as I got closer to him, I smelled the perfume and saw the traces f lipstick on his lips….and it all fell together. I had noticed when I was getting home that my washcloth I used 12 hours earlier was still damp and I could sometimes still smell perfume in the air, but I paid it no attention…after all the man had a wife and he had me. Between us, his job and 7 kids, he would not have time for anyone else….but apparently he did and was using my home as his Hideaway Hotel….and I went off again. Between blows I called him all kinds of black, greasy bitches and no good motherfuckers….and to this day the man will insist he never brought anyone to my house or that he ever cheated on me.

There was the time we fought on the bus as he was riding some heifer around who was all grinning and skinning in his face….he insisted she was a tax client and I asked him to not have her on his bus when he asked me to ride with him, but he always did. She would stand right in front of the farebox, all in his face and showing so much cleavage, you could practically see her nipples. I told him very calmly that I do not expect to see that scenario when I rode with him again and if he valued and respected our relationship, that should not be a problem; he was pissed as hell. So the next time I rode with him, I caught him 3 stops before the one I usually got on at…..something told me to do so, and lo and behold….there she was. I told her to get her skank ass out of my man’s face….NOW and when he spoke up in her defense…..he got beat down on the job in front of all his passengers. He physically put me off the bus and told me if I ever boarded his bus again, he would call Transit Police on me….then had the nerve to show up at my house after he got off work.

He has answered his phone while we were being intimate (I have everyone in my complex hearing me call him a low down, no good sonofabitch and to get the HELL out)  and we were banned from Hechinger Mall for fighting in a sporting goods store there. I have actually asked him if he was a pedophile as he watches nothing but Spongebob and Cartoon Network and the man got horny after watching the puppets in Team America simulate having sex. His exact words: “Come here and give me some cause the puppets have me horny.” He came over this week to do my taxes and asked me how was I going to pay him; I told him I was paying his going rate, and he said he wanted trade. I told him I was in a relationship (no sense in this guy knowing I had been dumped and was vulnerable) and he had a wife….we were over and let’s just enjoy the friendship. He said he had a wife and a girlfriend, but so what?  The man has no sense of respect, fidelity or boundaries…he really doesn’t. I told him to get busy with my taxes and being a polite hostess, I asked was he hungry. I was not expecting him to be as he had been off work all day and had a wife and a girlfriend, but he said he was starving. Really? TWO women and you come to my house starving? But, I heated him up some leftover Chinese food….just in time for him to tell me that my refund this year is cut by a good $2,000!! I went OFF….none of my information has changed in 5 years and he kept trying to talk about tax law changes. See, I said nothing last year when he fucked my taxes up so badly the state insisted I owe them and he can get Buddy damn near $8,000 back and Buddy worked sporadically at best last year. I accused him of fucking over my money because I would not fuck him, snatched my food back from him and threw him out. He asked why did I take his food away and I told him if he could not get me any money back so I could go grocery shopping, I had me holding onto all my damned food. We have not talked since and if he is expecting an apology, he can hold his breath.

Morning Person and Artsy Craftsy both insist he did not fuck me over….he was not taking any chances of messing up another chance to be with me and maybe I just fell into a higher tax bracket this time around. Mini-Me told me perhaps if I had been nicer to him, I would have more money….and I have her saying I should have fucked him, so she got cursed out for trying to be a pimpstress.  She kept insisting she did not mean it that way, but if ANYONE can tell me how else she could have meant it or I could have taken it, please tell me. I was pleasant to the man, we made the small talk, he watched his program on my TV AND I was feeding him….so tell me how I could have been nicer?

You know, this is going to be a two part blog….I had no idea Married Man would take up as much of the post as he has and I can combine my arguments with Him and a progress report on where I am in the process and concerning Him in the next post….so we only talk about him once this week versus twice. I still need to fold and put away laundry, run a vacuum and get started on the next post. Thanks for stopping back by and reading, have a great day and we will talk sooner and more often than we have been.

Love Has A Holiday

This should be the He Said/He Said posting, and I thought of doing that one. Valentine’s Day is a fraud in my book….in fact, none of my Panel members save 2 celebrate it, so I thought a posting about arguments between lovers would be perfect. But then, I could just rant about how Valentine’s Day is simply a trap to suck even more money out of pockets and push the society ideal of perfect love and that is what I am going to do. Besides, it isn’t even a real holiday!! A REAL holiday would give you a paid off from work (save MLK’s birthday and Veteran’s Day) and Valentine’s Day does not do that. In all fairness, neither does St. Patrick’s Day or Halloween, but they are probably another post for another day.

I have never celebrated Valentine’s Day, even when in a relationship. Married Man would buy me a present for the occasion ( the man who once celebrated my birthday by taking me to a combination Laundromat and Pool Hall and gave me Mother’s Day presents); of course, I never received them on Valentine’s Day, and I never reciprocated his gestures. For what? As Girlfriend says….ALL they want is sex, and that is what he would get. The only 2 people on the Panel who celebrate the day are Buddy and Bell Pepper. Buddy is a true romantic….he believes in flowers, candy and candlelit dinners. Every Valentine’s Day, his girlfriends are treated to flowers and chocolates, a gift such as a purse, perfume or jewelry and a home cooked meal. He breaks out the Barry White, Al Green and Teddy Pendergrass and it is ON. This year, he got Boo a red toolbox ( apparently she needs one) and inside he has chocolates and roses. They guy is good…practical AND romantic….but I told you all before….Buddy is the man who will see what you need, and get it for you. Bell Pepper is running around looking for gifts for all her closest friends (she bought 3)  and a couple of no good guys who do not deserve for her to tell them what day of the week it is. She has brought me a gorgeous necklace and for the first time since Carter was President, I bought a Valentine’s gift for someone. Actually, I had to buy 3…..I had brought her a heart shaped box of Hershey’s kisses (she loves Hershey’s chocolates) earlier last week, but ate them when I discovered my chocolate stash was depleted. So I went out and bought her another one and a small box with a robot on the front for her son.

If Cuz even knows it is Valentine’s Day, I would be surprised; Morning Person answered in the negative and as if I were crazy when I asked was she celebrating it. New Mommy is on official maternity leave and I think she will leave the celebration until the 15th, when KBugg turns one week old. Artsy Craftsy does not observe Valentine’s Day and all Oscar will say is it is the first one without Him, Jr. So I am not sure if they did celebrate it or if she is still counting down all the firsts without him. Chef will be placing flowers on his fiancée’s grave and the Independent Consultants also do not celebrate the “holiday”. Quiet One will be having dinner with her husband, but she does not celebrate Valentine’s Day;  however she is not one to pass up a good dinner in a great restaurant. The World’s Biggest Valentine’s Day Scrooge, Girlfriend actually has a date! With Little Marine and she is wondering if he is worth the game she is playing….she has told him 3 times a day, every day since they met she is not looking for pressure, commitment or a relationship. She does NOT celebrate Valentine’s Day and please do not try to pin her or her schedule down. The man made reservations at a restaurant, has bought a gift AND is booking her for dates through September of this year. We are all just crossing our fingers he does not end up wearing his dinner home.

So what IS it with Valentine’s Day that so many people celebrate it and it is the chocolate industry’s biggest day of any year and the greeting card industry has this day being it’s 3rd biggest seller….behind birthday cards and Christmas cards? WHAT significance does this day hold that it is the second busiest day of the year for the US Postal Service (over 1 billion Valentine’s Day cards are delivered each year…..they deliver 2.6 billion Christmas cards per year)? Well, way back when in Ancient Rome, the month of February heralded the arrival of spring ( perhaps the start of the quotation: Ah, spring…when a young man’s fancy turns to love) and February has always been associated with romance; it is said that  February 14th is the start of the mating season for birds which is all well and good (at least the birds have romance) but who is St. Valentine? According to both Protestant and Catholic history, way back when in Ancient Roman times, Valentine was a bishop who conducted the marriages of young men to their betrothed in secret as Emperor Claudius had banned marriage so all eligible  men would be fit for war and combat…Claudius felt that marriage made men weak and too emotionally attached to others and not their country. Valentine’s clandestine acts were discovered and he was jailed. While awaiting his sentence in prison, Valentine was approached by his jailor, Asterius. It was said that Valentine had some saintly abilities and one of them granted him the power to heal people. Asterius had a blind daughter and knowing of the miraculous powers of Valentine, he requested him to restore the sight of his blind daughter; it appears that Valentine in some way did succeed to help Asterius’ daughter and a deep friendship formed between Valentine and the young woman.

When Claudius met with Valentine, he was said to have been impressed by the dignity and conviction of the jailed Bishop even though Valentine refused to agree with the Emperor regarding the ban on marriage. It is also said that the Emperor tried to convert Valentine to the Roman Gods but was unsuccessful in his efforts…. Valentine refused to recognize Roman Gods and even attempted to convert the Emperor, knowing the consequences fully. This angered Claudius II who issued the order of execution upon Valentine.  It is said that just before his execution, Valentine asked for a pen and paper from his jailor, and signed a farewell message to Asterius’ daughter “From Your Valentine,” a phrase that has lived ever after. Valentine is believed to have been executed on February 14, 270 AD. Thus 14th February became a day for all lovers and Valentine became its Patron Saint. It began to be annually observed by young Romans who offered handwritten greetings of affection, known as Valentines, on this day to the women they admired. With the coming of Christianity, the day came to be known as St. Valentine’s Day.

As the centuries passed and evolved, the handwritten greetings became greeting cards and were often accompanied by gifts such as flowers, candies and chocolates and jewelry. Not sure if people started viewing it as a romantic spin-off of a combination of Christmas and birthday or if people feel the extravaganza of gifts speaks to the depths of their love, but love has a holiday. I do not hate the concept of expressing your love for someone, but I would rather have it any other day but Valentine’s Day…..I do not know about you, but I need more than one day to express and acknowledge how I feel towards someone and I want to be acknowledged and appreciated  on more than the one day everyone else  is doing the same thing. So for those of you who will celebrate the day, enjoy your dinners, chocolates, flowers and pieces of jewelry. Enjoy your attention and appreciation and I hope your romance and relationships  lasts for as long as you want and need it to; as for me, I will hang, fold and put away my clean laundry (nothing says love like clean clothes) and  pick up chocolates at 50% off on Tuesday. I will finally post He Said/She Said and start working on my blog about Meredith Grey. Happy Valentine’s Day!

The Evolution Will Not Be Televised

I know you guys probably think I fell off the face of the earth…told you all my business, got some form of closure and just rolled out. You are not so lucky…I am here for the duration of the process and whatever ending this entire situation brings. And then I will still be around as every ending heralds a new beginning and you should know by now that when I am not recycling my men and branch out with someone new,  I always end up with the wrong guy. Always.

Two big things happened that kept me from blogging: I have a disgusting cold and when you couple that with my pain…all I want is my bed. Period. The second thing is: KBugg arrived!!! YAY!! The Panel is excited and that baby was a BIG one…almost 9 pounds!! She is beautiful and has a head full of hair along with the fattest, cutest cheeks ever. New Mommy (official name change here) and daughter are doing fine. They are home, doing well and as we get updates, so will you.

Gil Scott-Heron….you may not know the name, the man or his music (check him out on iTunes, Zune, Amazon, Wikipedia, etc.) ….but you know the title of one of his most popular and critically acclaimed recordings: The Revolution Will Not Be Televised. I beg to differ with him….I say revolutions have been televised; it is the evolution that will not be televised. According to Webster, a revolution is: 1. an overthrow or repudiation and the thorough replacement of an established government or political system by the people governed. 2. a radical and pervasive change in society and the social structure, especially one made suddenly and often accompanied by violence. 3. a sudden, complete or marked change in something. We have seen at least 2 of these definitions of revolution play out via television. The first one that comes to mind is the situation in Egypt….that is still a top story on all the major news channels. The second one that comes to mind is the Civil Rights movement that began in the mid 1950s  and continues to this day….not just for African Americans, but all people of color and those whose social, personal and religious beliefs do not conform with that of mainstream society. As far as I can remember, the revolution has been televised….and will continue to be televised. Revolution is meant to be seen and heard as that is the only way it can reach the masses….the help and cooperation of many is necessary for the change of revolution to take place.

Evolution, however, will not be televised. Evolution is a process of formation, growth and development. It is a process of progressive, peaceful and gradual change…and it is very private. Change will not be televised…it shall be manifested and its effects can/will be televised, but the evolution itself…we will never see it. We can feel it, we can see the effects of the change, but no one will televise their evolution. For what? Change is messy, painful and usually pretty much unwanted…besides, has anyone other than me ever heard the saying: “the more things change, the more they stay the same”? Unfortunately change is necessary because without change, there is no growth, only stagnation. You begin to settle and think your situation or circumstance is always going to be the way it is and that is how it is supposed to be. Boundaries will not pushed and new horizons will not be explored. And evolution and change happen all the time within and around people and sometimes they are ready to embrace the change….when I was out there in my addiction, something within me told me that there HAD to something better than the life I was living…I am now 8 ½ years clean, a productive and somewhat responsible member of society and working on yet another day sober; New Mommy knew she wanted to do more with her life than be a wife and aunt…..the results are KBugg. Evolution is constant…and no one is immune. Age, race, gender, religion….we all go through it and pretty much once one goal has been accomplished, another takes its place. You may not have a specific goal in mind (at one point, you did not even want the change) , but Universe has its plan for you

Cuz is experiencing an evolution (I tend to call his a revolution as he is fighting change tooth and nail every step of the way) and no one has heard from him. He called me once in the past two weeks only to let me know he is alive. I am not sure what is going on over there, but I think he learning to let go of the anger and hurt. THAT is a tough job as it is easier to hate than to love, especially when you have been done wrong. Yes, he has held on to all the negatives for a long time, but once he surrenders, he can view things objectively and realize that he is the only one still hurting over all that happened. The hatred he feels towards One Great Love even now? She either does not know and after all this time, if she does know, she does not care. Vengeance will not be sweet and will probably land him in jail. Using other women to fulfill physical needs leaves him empty and unfulfilled, and I firmly believe that once someone has been dumped, meaningless sex is not the answer. You are not looking to use or be used….you want to feel as if you matter to someone if only for 24 hours. You want something that affirms your worth and has some semblance of meaning….and you have to be willing to stand your ground to get it. I am not sure what effects will be wrought as a result of Cuz’s current evolutionary process, but if he doesn’t kill himself or others while going through, we will see soon enough.

Oscar is already showing the effects of evolution in her life: our girl has a JOB! YAY A real job that pays a decent salary and in a field she loves. She is dressing more professionally, has more confidence and the baby starts daycare on Monday. Her social circle has not expanded yet but Him, Jr. is being backburnered; yes, she is still riding the emotional rollercoaster and has good days and bad days, but she knows that what has been put in play now has to be played out. That is no reason to stop her life or put herself on hold….she is entering a whole new phase and she plans to utilize her newfound resources to their best advantage. She has options she plans to explore with no expectations and overall, is pleased with the positive direction at least one aspect of her life has taken.

Morning Person sees an evolution may be preparing to take place in her life…..she does not want it. She wants things to remain the same and let her stick to her routine, but she has been around the block enough times to know that it will take place whether she wants it to or not. The best she can do is prepare herself for it, so she is loading up on spiritual and emotional ammunition and armor, calling on friends and networks and placing her ducks in a row. Of course, evolution may pass her by this time around, but better to be safe than sorry.

As for me, an evolution is taking place. I am riding an emotional rollercoaster myself, but I think I am on a downswing. I still dream of him, but recently they have not been sexual or of reconciliation….I have been ripping him new ones, speaking my mind and not accepting excuses. Now when I hear of his demeanor (Chef actually said he has seen corpses look healthier and happier than him is looking right about now), I no longer feel sorry or badly. Like Oscar’s situation, things have been put in motion and I am no longer fighting the current; I am going with the flow. His actions and behaviors have shown me so much I did not want to see, but now is not the time for blinders. I am going to go with the majority here and agree that it still is not over; both camps are regrouping and strategizing and I am not going to be caught unawares or allow our past dictate what happens next. Yes, one upon a time we shared something beautiful, wonderful and special and we were so right and good together and for each other….but the issues and the unhealthiness have made our present something I do not wish to repeat with him or anyone else. I cannot let the love color the ugliness and my evolution is allowing me to not only realize that but to embrace it. Space, time and healing have to do their job so I can learn my lesson from this without holding a grudge; I have to let acceptance and maturity in just a little further so I can be the adult and rise above; as Guardian Princess said today: be content you won this battle, as who ever really wins the war? However things play out, they play out…I would like to say they will play out without me as I would no longer be involved in whatever this has become, but all I can do is make sure I am prepared for whatever happens without turning it into a revolution.

 To paraphrase Gil Scott-Heron in/on The Revolution Will Not Be Televised: there will be no sponsors or commercial breaks; you have to change your mind before you can change your lifestyle. The revolution will not be shown in 4 parts, nor will it star any major celebrities. It will not give you sex appeal, people will be in the streets looking for their brighter day and no one will be able to predict the winner. The revolution will not be televised. The same can be said of evolution.

Buddy’s Blues

You guys know my Panel is composed of a diverse group of competent, capable people. We all have our roles, but have no problem doing cross-overs as necessary: we all take turns weirding out, we all play the crazy role at times, and we all have our share of drama. Buddy however has the one role that no one will touch with a ten foot pole….he is our Tough Luck Charlie. Ever hear of the expression “if it weren’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all”? That describes Buddy to a “T”.  All he ever tries to do each day is (and I quote): “ just enjoy the air the Good Lord allows us to breathe”, yet something always goes wrong. Always.

When Buddy lived here in the area, his troubles were always involving transportation and alcohol: his car began throwing sparks on the freeway and by the time he pulled off at the nearest exit, there was a full fledged fire coming from the engine area. Despite the fact he pulled into a busy, commercial district with a bus depot, no one had a fire extinguisher for him to use: not any of the bus drivers sitting on their idling buses (Buddy even SAW a fire extinguisher under the drivers’ seats)  and when he tried to enter one of the numerous government buildings, he actually had to go through the metal detector AND sign in the Visitor’s Log first before he could even tell someone what the problem was. There was the time he fell into a drunk sleep after attending an Island Happy Hour event and rode the train until the subway shut down. The Rail Operator was making sure all the cars were clear and came across Buddy. He woke him, explained he was the end of the line and had to exit the system….Buddy was back where he started and had no way home…..he was a good 30 miles from home and had limited funds. He ended up returning to his office at the Island (the cab fare took all his cash) and spent the night there. Not 4 days later, he experienced the same thing; he had been out clubbing and drinking and was on the train going home and fell into another drunken sleep. This time he ended up 10 miles from home at 3am without a cab in sight, so he had to stagger home. His feet hurt for 3 days afterwards. And NO ONE can forget the time we all went to the Island Holiday Party where he got completely trashed: dance moves so graphic, they bordered on pornographic, trying to match Him (he was just Boss Man/Big Poppa then) drink for drink with tumblers filled with straight Jack Daniels and getting belligerent at the blackjack table. I tried to caution him on his drinking and everyone was making sure he had a ride home. He actually did, but told the driver to let him off at the metro station. He was a grown ass man and was not ready for the night to end. So Buddy gets dropped off, makes it down to the platform to wait for the train, tripped and fell onto the train tracks while the train was coming.  Fortunately, they were able to halt the train in time. Transit Police helped him off the tracks and all Buddy could do was curse the officers out. He was bruised, bloody, had bumps and knots all over his forehead and had damn near been killed…..and he was cursing people out. When he called me the next day, he had vague recollections of what had happened and I told him he needed to not drink. Not saying HE had a problem, but it was obvious it was causing him problems.

He has problems with women…..ALL of his girlfriends have been jealous of me, and I honestly do not know why. Yes, he and I flirt shamelessly, but it is all platonic and in good fun. We know too much about each other for it to turn romantic or even sexual. I am an open and honest person and I describe all things in great detail, including my sexual escapades with all my Panel members…even the guys. The guys do the same and so do a couple of the women; the point is, we are too honest and open with  each other to ever go there. Besides, Buddy likes a slim woman. Yes, he can appreciate my assets and see my sexiness and to him age, race and height makes no difference, but he wants a slim woman with everything proportionate. One of his girlfriends (a crack addict with a son Buddy pretty much raised) actually came to the job to see who I was and cursed him out over me; another saw me at Macy’s and chased me down by name to tell me she was his live in girlfriend and he had my picture up. I was surprised and flattered and told her I had heard all about her (she was not the prettiest thing, but seemed nice, sweet and genuine once I got past the fact she had stalked me through the store) and suggested we get together for dinner or a hang out day….I would bring my man (Married Man) to make it a double date….we never did. The crack addict ended up stealing all of Buddy’s money and his house keys and the stalker chick ended up breaking every dish in the house, chased Buddy into the bathroom where she chopped her way through the door with a butcher knife when he locked the door, crushed his cell phone and pretty much ran Buddy out of his own house, forcing him to sleep outdoors that night. When I asked him what had brought about such behaviors in not one, but TWO women, Buddy had no idea or explanation other than they were crazy as fuck.

Which brings us to the events of the last week…..Buddy ‘s luck has not changed one bit. Even though he has moved out of state, he takes him wherever he goes and his luck is still bad. He filed his taxes and got back a SERIOUS amount of money….damn near $8,000…and was broke within 2 days. Of course he claimed the crack addict’s son as he does every year (and Buddy makes sure the boy and his grandmother get a decent amount of the money); this year, he received a call from the son’s father who stated he was the boy’s father and who the FUCK did Buddy think he was claiming his son?  By rights, HE or the child’s grandmother should be claiming the kid, NOT Buddy. He threatened Buddy with bodily harm if he saw him around the way and told him to watch his back. Buddy can hold his own, but the man is no fool. He loaded his car down with a baseball bat, a machete and dug out his brass knuckles then headed over to Boo’s (formerly known as Psycho Stalker) house. WHY he did this, I will never know as dude who just threatened him lives in Boo’s neighborhood. Once at Boo’s, Buddy knew it was a mistake. Boo was drunk and sitting half naked on the side of the bed eating a pig’s foot. I am not sure what their deal is, but she claims to love him deeply. However, she is a bigger drunk than Buddy and has gained over 50 pounds in the 5 months they have been together…she was a thick girl when they met and remember, Buddy likes a slim, proportionate woman.

Well, Boo was in the mood for some loving, and Buddy wasn’t. That ended up in a huge fight in which Boo’s 6’5” tall son joined in and when it was all over, Buddy had a black eye, Boo was body slammed (Buddy swears he never touched her except to fend off her blows) and the son had a scythe in his hand and was screaming at Buddy that after he cut him in half, he was telling Dude that Threatened him where to find his body. Buddy told the boy he wanted no trouble and just let him leave….then Buddy hightailed it out of there , jumped in his car, and promptly ran himself into an accident. It was not his fault….his light was green  and he was totally sideswiped by a bunch of drunk teenagers,  but the car was totaled, so after going down to the police station to file a report, he was taken home. When he got home, Boo was there on his front porch, yelling and hollering at him for leaving her. He no longer wanted her and he was a low ass man to just leave her the way he was doing. Buddy told her to just move out of his way….he told her he was JUST at her house and after the shit that went down it was best if he stayed at his place and she stayed at hers, but Boo was having none of it. She would leave when Buddy fucked her and not before…and got naked in his front yard. Buddy said he was NOT in the mood, and when Boo pressed him as to why (seriously?), he told her that her weight gain took away his sex drive. He told her she was a disgusting, abusive drunk and no way was he EVER getting with her again in life. Now PLEASE put your clothes on and get off my property before I call the police to remove you…..and he went in his house and locked the front door.

THIS should be end of the story, but this is Buddy…of course it isn’t. He headed to his kitchen to pour himself a drink….and I do not blame him. In less than 4 hours, he had been threatened with physical violence, involved in a fist fight that ended with him being damn near assaulted with a deadly weapon, gotten into a car accident that ended up with a totaled car and verbally and sexually harassed by a drunk woman who was living up to her Psycho Stalker reputation. And as soon as he got the glass out of the cabinet, Boo came crashing through his back door butt naked. Buddy screamed, dropped the glass and reached for his phone to call the police….and Boo was gone. Not running across the yard, not jumping in her car (Buddy swears he never saw her car when he came home and has no idea HOW the woman got to his house)….she was gone. As if she were Wonder Woman and had flown off in her invisible jet….and Buddy now had to deal with repairing his back door before he could take a drink and sleep this day from hell away.

Boo sobered up in a couple of days, she and Buddy reconciled and even her son came through with an apology. The back door was repaired and the Dude that Threatened him has yet to materialize. So for now, calm reigns in Buddy’s world…..he and Boo even had a real date: dinner and movies; however, the vehicle he is driving now has an expired inspection sticker so while they were at dinner, the truck got towed. Oh, and he lost some Superbowl bets as the Green Machine made scrap metal of the Steelers.

So there you have it…a glimpse into the life of Buddy; I may have to re-think which of us actually has the most drama….he has Policeman beat this week. I will be back later this week with He Said/She Said and my plans for going forward. Hope you enjoyed it, and talk around Tuesday.

Laid To Rest

Before I can even begin today’s post, I must first issue a retraction, apology or something that will tell the world and my readers that I am wrong and Morning Person is right. In my last blog post (Everything, All at Once), I stated that Morning Person was a supporter of the BTH….and I got a 5:30am wakeup call in which I was called a hussy by Morning Person. Seriously. She is NOT happy with that statement and I am to tell you that Morning Person is NOT a supporter of the BTH, Him or even me for that matter. Yes, she is MY friend and will be until the end of time but in regards to this particular fiasco, she is a supporter of honesty, fairness, objectivity and common sense. She says I say that she is a supporter of BTH because Morning Person said the woman was attractive; it is PARTLY true. I am in no way angry Morning Person has her own opinion….one of the reasons I incorporated these people into my Circle of Friends is that they their own person with their own opinions and ideas. I value diversity, fairness, strong will and independence amongst my peers and while I do not see the attractiveness I am not hating because someone can. I am upset because Morning Person neglected to say…Yes she is attractive, BUT you are pettier, cuter, etc. Told you I was a petty bitch…..she can be attractive as long as I am more so. Say what you will, I make no apologies for feeling that way. So, my apologies to Morning Person, and remember: she is NOT a supporter of the BTH.

Here are a couple of updates for you: Pregnant One is STILL pregnant!! She is entering her 10th month of pregnancy and has reassured me that this time next week, KBugg will be in her arms and ready for her place at the Children’s Table we are setting up here on the Panel. The bets we placed on whether or not another communication would be sent…..anyone who said I would get another one the next day…lost. Which is a good thing, but I have been advised to stay on high alert as no one thinks this is over with by a long shot. And the post on Buddy will be written after I clean my apartment. I have to do that first because I have Buddy’s post being kinda long, kinda funny and my house is begging me to do something with it.

So, there has been no more communication from either Him or BTH and I am using this opportunity to close the door on this. I have my explanation and sincere apology and I must say Chef hit it on the head when he told me I had the closure I needed, I simply didn’t see it: the man is an issue laden coward who cannot deal with the consequences of his actions. I did cry the other night and wonder why he could not see me and what we had, but he can see it…..he just does not know what to do with it. I read my horoscopes today and mine told me that I am in a period of contemplation…patience is my watch word….like a fisherman, cast my line into the water and wait for the fish to come to me; forcing events to take place will work against me. Utilizing this time to repair emotional or mental damage is highly encouraged. I like that…..I may be single, but am not lonely (although horny as hell)….I am regaining my social life and with it, my self-confidence. And we all know it falls into your lap when you least expect it. Oh, I did read his….it said that thinking the grass is greener will be his undoing. I am not saying a word.

The Panel is feeling mixed on everything: none of them believe it is over with us…Morning Person will not say one way or another, but the advice and admonishments I receive from her lead me to believe she feels that there may be one spin left on the merry-go-round for us and she has flatly stated that if we do reconcile friendships will be broken. Girlfriend is another who will not say what she thinks about the future but she keeps telling me to ignore and delete. Oscar and Artsy Craftsy say that whatever is meant to be will be and Pregnant One says a friendship may be possible if we can put the pieces back together. Buddy swears that first, he would have put Him on total blast for bringing things to the level he dragged them down to, but we are each other’s past, present and future. Chef and Cuz are in agreement that we are not done and Bell Pepper, Mini-Me and Quiet One see us reconciled for the long term. Queen Bee swooped in for the latest on the drama and to dispense her advice: definitely he will be back. We have too much history, passion and secrets between us for him to stay away. He never walked away…he simply stepped into the next room and left the door cracked so I could see exactly what he was doing. And she offered a theory as to the latest twist in the soap opera: the man is a coward and perhaps he is wanting a way out. He KNOWS I have no cut cards whatsoever, so he is using me as the catalyst to cut the ties that bind with the BTH.

I see nothing….he has a future planned with the BTH and I am still recuperating and recovering. I do know I want to grow stronger (seriously, a 10 minute email exchange can still affect me that way?) and I need to get rid of this feeling of us being unfinished business within me….that is the one thing I know that will draw me back in should he attempt to return. Again, I did not go through all this and see all he opened my eyes to simply to roll over and jump blindly back in. He has offered this chick too much in too short a time for me to be content with his apologies and excuses when I am ready to see him….sorry, I do not come with them built in and am no longer accepting yours. I can no longer justify and rationalize his behaviors and to rebuild a foundation of trust, respect and friendship that was 6 years in the making? I have wasted too many years on people, places and things that leave me with nothing but lessons….I want someone who can return what I give without me having to beat them over the head to get it….Married Man had to be put in the closet and him has to be cursed out or reprimanded like a child. I want a MAN, not a child. After all, they are getting a woman….and a damned good one at that.

So Him is being laid to rest. The wreck has been cleared and for the time being, there is nothing to see here. The funeral is finally taking place, and if anyone has any words to say about the person no longer a part of my life, feel free to leave a comment.  I am keeping my promises and respecting wishes…he will receive not one communication from me; his picture has been taken down and placed in my panty drawer (I thought he would like that) and I am making plans to go out and be seen. Spam filters are in place and phone blocks are on….I need new photos to show me and the world just how pretty, sexy and completely wonderful I am. I have been eclipsed and in shadows too long….time to shine!

I am putting on some tunes and preparing to get the house in some sort of shape and order…..Buddy’s Blues will be up sometime later tonight or Sunday morning. Talk soon!

Everything, All At Once

You all know I love my horoscopes. I read them from at least 4 different sites and I do it all: horoscopes, lovescopes, numeroscopes, Tarot readings (general, daily and love) and even the Chinese Astrology. It is a toss as to whether they are on point: sometimes they have me and the Panel scratching our heads wondering who is living my life but other times, we know it is pure bull biscuits Like the time it told me to dump my current set of friends if they could not find someone to hook me up with, or when they told me an intense romantic encounter would help heal me. I was actually game to give that one a shot, but Pregnant One threatened to come sit on me if I did so….I am NOT ready for anyone or anything. The other morning, my horoscope told me it was a weird day to be me as I am entangled in the beginning stages of something that is emotionally hard to fathom, but the more layers I peel back, the greater understanding I gain. The Panel and I agree that this one is on point, but we all have the same question: we are only at the beginning? And it would appear we are…grab snacks as this could be a long one.

My morning began with a cigarette and another dose of drama. You guys read my response to Him and the BTH, right? I would like to think I was as clear as possible and made several points to both parties. Well, they BOTH responded! Seriously…..BTH sent me an email at 1am. No shit. This time she feels the need to tell me Him is her husband (amazing that Tuesday morning she was his fiancée….must have been one helluva  24 hours) and they are happy and in love. If I truly want his happiness, I need to lift them up and be filled with life and love and happiness. Oh, she also felt the need to tell me how established she is: she drives a Jaguar that is paid for, she lives in a notable suburb and she holds a titled position with a financial firm….and all while raising her 3 beautiful kids on her own. And this would be her last email….the Panel is taking bets: so far, 5-3 that I will have another email on Thursday. To break down her missive: first, I KNOW how you are living in that fancy suburb sweetie….nothing to brag about…..I have Section 8 living better than that. Your car….Cuz said it must be a classic 1978 model, but I have her paying for it from her pole spinning days…I know that is mean, but this chick is tripping. Her titled position? First, every position is titled and the title she gave me is an entry level position; however if you switch the words and add a couple…it would be something I could tip my hat to her for.  Raising 3 kids on her own….self explanatory. I am just wondering how many baby daddies she has.

I told this chick in no uncertain terms (again) that what was going on between him and I was between him and I. He knows exactly why it is going down the way it is and for him to have given my personal information to anyone (even his wife) had definitely crossed a line. I do not know what he has told her, but he knows the truth and that is why he has yet to tell me to go fuck off. For the record, I have never stated I wanted his happiness….he has taken mine and no way am I wishing him more than I have myself; I do not wish to see him hurt. I told her that she keeps inserting herself in this to fight his battles and I have no interest in what she has or does not have. I told her I am ending this crap because this is ridiculous: you HAVE the man….whatever I offer, he left me for you so why are you worried? So worried you are up until all hours of the night to email me when I am sleeping, dating, talking to friends, blogging…anything but thinking about you or him. You have a man in your bed who you claim loves you and is happy with you and you are emailing his ex. Makes sense to me. I put them both in my spam filter and told her again, to go enjoy her happiness. And after all that, she came back again, telling me to stop emailing her husband.

Morning Person (who was a supporter of the BTH….she said we do not know the woman, we can make no judgments) was speechless…anytime someone makes me the mature one in the group, it has got to be bad. Bell Pepper said she can smell the fear from here and Pregnant One and Quiet One say they can tell I have rattled her chain and are proud of me for standing my ground and keeping this between him and I. Quiet One says the woman is showing her ignorance and insecurity and that is a not a good sign. Chef is wondering why we question his not wanting another relationship and Cuz flatly stated that if this chick is so banging and rolling with so much, what does she want with him? The man makes a point. According to Cuz, the woman is hood rat bitch who is lying through her teeth. Girlfriend declared she is a liar who believes her own lies and that is why she and him hit it off so well together as he is delusional as hell. Oscar says the bitch needs to shut up about him being her husband….she wants to see the ring, the license and the wedding pictures. A witness or 2 may be needed as well.

Which brings me to his response….which made Morning Person damn near choke, Bell Pepper had to call to ask WHAT was going on, and Quiet One re-read twice. Girlfriend said to delete, delete, delete and Cuz said his head hurt and he was out of theories and analysis. Artsy Craftsy was excited….his response coupled with BTH’s early morning missive has her thinking it could be the return of Him and the de-throning of the Evil Twin. Artsy Craftsy really likes him….yeah, he is confused and lame and a jerk at times, but overall, him is a good guy. Pregnant One says that there is trouble in Paradise and with the right attitude and patience…..we could be Us: The Happy Edition again. Morning Person told me DO NOT RESPOND. She cannot go through this again. Period. His response was perhaps the first communication that did not require the secret decoder ring or the special read between the line glasses we sometimes need to break out…there were a couple of patches, but not like it usually is. Side note: this is just something I find interesting. When BTH emails, she always copies him on the email, but when he emails/responds, it is only to me.

He sincerely apologized for the hater bitch comment….he said it was completely unwarranted and he was venting his frustrations (I think the “get right with God” comment scared him shitless, and I wonder what he was frustrated about); he stated I could tell the world about our relationship and if asked, he would tell people, yes, he was in a personal relationship with me  and that it involved sex and porn and he enjoyed every minute of it (and I wonder why I can be open about us now that we are over?); he apologized for hurting and upsetting me (once again and for the final time)…and this time, I actually felt that he meant it; he gave me an explanation: he knew we were in a relationship but was unsure of the level of commitment and by the time I found out, I was too angry to listen to anything he had to say; he would always give me a great reference when it came to getting a job but for right now it was best to cut off communication and personal contact. I have him saying that for two reasons: first, BTH got my email address somehow, and him is the common denominator so he wants me to calm down from that; second, he wanted to calm down the BTH and I do not have it being out of love or respect….he wants to minimize the drama.

I respected his wishes and left it alone; 20 minutes later he is asking me do I accept his apology and explanation? I told him that both were accepted and appreciated. I told him that I wanted to sincerely apologize to him for anything I said or did that hurt him, belittled him or caused him to feel less than. I explained to him what happened to me: we had just reconciled, he put out those promises and saying I was the only one, and no, we had not seen each other in a month (we were communicating via email and telephone) but that was due to both of us working lots of hours and then he is taking this chick places and flaunting this relationship in my face; on top of betraying our friendship and breaking trust, he was totally disrespecting me and could not even tell me goodbye or that he had moved on. It raised all of my issues and I just could not control it….my brakes would not apply and I lost control and I was so sorry, so sorry (and I really am…I was tearing up writing him this). Then he comes back with: I miss you. It’s okay and I understand. And that is when  I was ready to break down….in spite of all the ugliness and the fucked up things we said and did….he still understood me and he forgave me and I do not want him to understand and forgive….that would make us…us again and we can’t be us again….he is getting married. Then he asked could we be friends, and I told him that true friendship and unconditional love could forgive and overcome any hurt or grievance. Just know that I was not ready to stop loving him or being with him; he counters with he agrees with everything I said and could it heal us? I told him with enough time, space and healing it could and he said he understood. Then he asked me about Artsy Craftsy and hit me with would I tell people about our porn? I had the biggest smile on my face because it was like old times….random talk on any and every subject…..for a little while there was no ugliness, no BTH….just us being us. I told him that our kinks, fetishes and perversions would be our secret (on my end) and all we shared together would be ours. Although he was the one I honestly thought was my one (I have never felt so amazing, so protected, understood and accepted by any man ever), I also did not have me telling people about our relationship….what for? He was with another…..and he told me no one knew the things I did.

Everything, all at once was hitting me: happiness, love, hurt, anger, expectations, disappointment….and even though he could not see my tears fall, I told him I was going to Starbucks and to take care of himself and maybe we will meet/see each other in the future…I did not want him to see me cry. And I am crying now..over what we had and still have, over what is lost and over this goodbye. I no longer question why but I do wonder what the fuck happened to us? I don’t know….and I miss him so much right now. The love is back and all that has happened over the past 5 months, I would once again wipe the slate clean just for the chance for us to be us again. And this is exactly why Girlfriend, Chef and  Morning Person told me to NOT respond…we are both still too emotionally entangled and ready to fall into each other if given a chance. Oscar and Cuz have no idea what will happen and are scared to hazard a guess; Bell Pepper, Artsy Craftsy and Pregnant One all think this could be the first step towards healing, forgiveness and either a reconciliation or closure for both of us. Quiet One says we will be reunited and while she feels he does not deserve respect or forgiveness, she thinks we belong together. The love and caring are still there…will he know how to appreciate it?

I don’t know anything…not who we are, what will happen or why after everything, we still fit together so wonderfully. All I do know is right now he no longer belongs to me and I really do not know what I want from him or myself for that matter. My skin still has smoke rising from it from walking through this fire and I need time and quiet. I need to once again accept the fact that he is getting married to another, that he told me he has “those feelings” for someone….who is not me. That even though our ties that bind are still there, we are no longer connected to the ends of the rope….we are in different books and someone overlapped the pages for a few minutes that had me suspended in a bubble of comfort and happiness and helped me to remember why I love him so and that nothing has changed on any level or plane for us…..what we are together has not changed and the realities we have created for ourselves are still in place, which sucks so badly right now.

So I am going to bed to hold tight to a good memory and place it with the others as he has reversed the lie for me…thank you for leaving me with those. Tomorrow we will FINALLY talk about Buddy as we all could use a good laugh about now….time to replace this drama and emotion filled soap opera with a sitcom.

Hater Bitch

I know I am supposed to be telling you guys about Buddy’s mishaps (I promise, promise, promise with whipped cream and a cherry on top you will get that blog by the weekend and the same for He Said/She Said), but again drama has come to town. This latest episode has Morning Person crying in her coffee, has made Cuz sane again and Quiet One is saying OMG. Pregnant One and Oscar cannot stop laughing and Mini-Me is shocked speechless. Chef is shaking his head, Artsy Craftsy is declaring there is an Evil Twin on the loose and Girlfriend is the only one keeping some form of composure. Bell Pepper keeps saying she needs to process what just happened, Policeman says that Him is crazy and you can only expect crazy acts from a crazy person and I am outdone, disgusted and utterly disappointed. In fact, this shit has my Right Bitch/Wrong Day running for her big sister Ghettolicious, who takes NO shit from anyone and has evil and creative ways of getting her point across.

I had a good weekend….date with Fun One Friday, slept and rested Saturday and Sunday  (in spite of Oscar’s going crazy) and had a productive day at work Monday. Had a wonderful dinner date Monday evening and woke up Tuesday morning to an email……NOT from him….from the BTH! I could not believe my eyes. The man has given my personal email address to his “someone he has those almost instantaneous feelings for and plans on marrying as soon as possible” and I want to know FOR WHAT? She claims him is a great guy (this is why she fell in love with him) , he told her that he and I had “been together” and he now felt I was being a hater bitch and she  could answer any questions I had (sorry, only him can answer those) as she was more than happy to talk to me and told me she was a dating coach who would love to help me out with some tips….and she put my Facebook profile pic at the end of the email. AND the chick was not finished…..before I could leave out the door for work, she emails AGAIN to tell me that her profile pic was taken in October 2010 and she works out six times a week and this is why she looks so young and happy….that and her love of Him because he has brightened her world. I think I threw up a little bit in my mouth….sista girl is laying it on a little too thick for the wrong person….I KNOW if the man were the sun, he couldn’t brighten a damned thing.

I sent the communication to the Panel…..Bell Pepper called first. My first words to her were I was going to call out of work because I was sick and needed to take care of some things. She told me NO WAY. Cuz called and he swears that Him wrote the email himself and Bell Pepper and Oscar agree: no way in four hells are there two people with that level of vagueness and ambiguity and the writing skills of a 2nd grader. Morning Person kept telling me to calm down and she is in a state of shock…she cannot believe it has come to this. Artsy Craftsy says we are worse than Oscar and her big, fat mess as in Oscar’s situation, no one is even 25 years old… my triangle, I am slightly over 40 and those two are over 50, yet we are like kids on the kindergarten playground. Pregnant One (yes, she is still pregnant) laughed in my ear and called me hater bitch all morning. We are thinking of making tee shirts that will say “I’m Friends with the Hater Bitch” and mine will say “I AM the Hater Bitch”. Chef wants to know WHAT made him do it and that him needs to clean this shit up with both of us and Girlfriend begged me to be mature and adult about it and not respond.

Of course, I responded even after Chef told me I was a better woman than he was a man and to act like it. I don’t know….I tried so hard to rise above, but the man not only gave out MY personal info, he called me a hater bitch! Seriously? And the sad part is I am not sure which one pisses me off more. I know I have called the woman a couple of mean things, but I have never hated on her…at least not to him. I am wondering what else to blog and seriously, if you just read the response I sent them, that would suffice. There is nothing to analyze….and this is the death of anything between him and I ever again, not even friendship and that disappoints me to no end. I cannot trust the man period in any capacity (what else has he shown her, told her and who else will he give my info to?), he has us doing a repeat of the Married Man and his Wife scenario (which I swore I would never get into again) , and now….he truly has stolen my memories and our good times. I told him before, he has made EVERYTHING a lie and he will no longer be the one I loved so completely and deeply….he will be that asshole coward who gave his new chick my email address. So, here is the response I sent them…together.

Him: I am a hater bitch? Have I EVER told you to leave her? I HAVE always said if you love her and she makes you happy, to go for it. I have never seen her nor do I know her…. What I hear comes from YOUR employees and YOUR colleagues. YOU are the one they are losing respect for, YOU are the one they are talking about and THEY are the ones who have seen her and I see no reason why THEY would lie about the woman. Period. Yes, I have concerns also, but they do not involve you and I reconciling. They involve YOU not getting hurt……until me, no woman has ever wanted you for more than your wallet, and in less than 5 months, this woman has changed you and not for the better. You are sick constantly, you are looking unhealthy AND unhappy and the part of me that cares for the man I used to know does not want to see him hurt.  

I honestly cannot believe you….YOU were the one who fucked ME over, led me on with lies and promises, then betrayed my trust and totally disrespected our 6 year friendship, yet I am the hater bitch. Boy, I can show you the right bitch on the wrong day and one more comment like that or another stunt where MY personal info is given to another….you’d better get right with God.  Again, you HAVE changed and however this turns out…..your ONE friend who will tell what no one else will so you don’t end up hurt, who tries to be objective with you even now and still tells you to do what is the right thing for YOU….is done.  And to think….yesterday, I was missing my friend and wondering why we could not at least maintain the friendship.

 You were never worth my friendship, my love or my time. Once, you were a man I loved, found extraordinary and thought the world of but you have turned out to be no more than a denial filled, disrespectful, lying ass, chicken shit coward who hides behind a girl to fight his battles. Now, run tell that…..

BTH: I have no beef with you at all; it is with Him and his treatment of me once he met you. However, you chose to put yourself in the middle of this not once, but twice. You are as filled with delusion and denial as he is… honestly expect anyone to believe that your FB profile picture was taken in October 2010? Based on what others saw in December 2010, you may want to step up those 6X/week workouts, sweetie. You claim to be a relationship coach…as sweet as your little offer to help me find someone was, I am in no need of your services. First, I have NO problems getting or finding a date or an LTR….I am simply not ready to put myself back out there. Second, with all your experience, the best you can land is a man who is carrying the baggage from his last relationship into yours and has placed it on your doorstep? And the fact you jump into the fray versus telling him to clean up his mess? Hmmmm…I pass. I have no idea why you felt the need to look me up on FB, but that’s awesome. Almost as awesome as the two of you living together and being so happy together, you spent last night both discussing me and emailing me….while I was out on a date. You rock! Seriously, I hold no grudge against you and if you do love him ( and just so you know, he has never told me he loves you nor will he even mention your name to me; you are “someone” or “this woman” and he has “those feelings” for “someone”…not BTH)…..I am glad two such perfectly made for each other people found each other; if you are looking for a meal ticket to support you with your fading looks and out of shape body and 3 kids….I am not the one to stop any woman from doing what she gotta do.

Now, if you both will excuse me, what Him has shown me and caused me to show him leaves a very bitter taste in my mouth and I will leave you two to your happiness.