Rising Above

It is Sunday afternoon….the house is somewhat clean (I decided to take a break from it and blog)  and I am listening to my chill, remixed instrumental music. Akwaba by TYA is playing and Oscar and I call it the “sex song”. It is tribal and primal with heavy bass and drums and a chant that makes me want to move my body every time I hear it. So I am dancing in my chair (dancing…now done sitting down!) and unsure what I was going to blog about today….Buddy’s life is utterly surreal and hilarious right now so that will definitely be a future post and I still have to tell you guys about the arguments I have had with the men in my life but this weekend has been a learning experience for me. I have heard things and been privy to a situation that was begging me to put it out there RIGHT NOW, but I had no idea what context to put it in, until I saw Grey’s Anatomy last night.

Grey’s is simply the bomb show ( I HAVE to blog about Meredith and soon) and one of the storylines in last night’s episode was about a white supremist who was seriously injured but would not allow Bailey to touch him nor would he look at her. Of course, we did not know in the beginning he was a racist and neither did Bailey. He kept insisting he wanted a male doctor, so the Chief was summoned. Of course, the supremist came up with another excuse: he wanted a “different” doctor, but the Chief saw through the guy. The Chief told  (not asked) him: “You want a white doctor” and left Bailey to handle things. Bailey got Yang….she wasn’t white, but she wasn’t black and Bailey is not one to just cower away in a corner and give anyone exactly what they want. Besides, Bailey had time on her side….the man would bleed out if not treated soon, and as long as the doctor wasn’t black, he could not say they did not follow his wishes as he never stated he wanted a white doctor….he eventually stated one had to be present during the surgery to ensure Bailey did not “kill him on the table.”

So Yang gets pulled off of a great surgery to help Bailey with this guy, and when Yang removes his shirt, the man has a giant swastika tattooed on his stomach….and Christina Yang is Jewish. Christina balks as her stepfather’s parents died at Auschwitz and no way is she going to help save the life of such a man; but Bailey tells her if she…no, if they both walk away from this man, they are no better than he is and they ARE better than that. Bailey said she and Yang shall rise above and do the bigger thing and the right thing.

Which leads me to the situation I was privy to this weekend….Oscar. Our beautiful, hurt girl gone wild had her dream come true turn into a nightmare in less than24 hours and she feels that she is in the depths of something beyond anyone’s control. Him, Jr. announced to her that he had broken it off with Miss Minor because she “wasn’t worth it”. His recent behavior seemed to suggest that…phone calls and texts in which they laughed and flirted, no arguments and no mention of Miss Minor. Upon hearing the news, Oscar of course was over the moon, doing Snoopy dances and I admit, I was a tad envious. I asked her what she was going to do now that her fiasco was over and she had so many plans….sex (even right now, that girl is ready for that piece of man meat), deep conversations and she swore that unless he could fully commit to her, they would not be reconciling. Him, Jr. was going to file his taxes the next day and asked Oscar to come along…..he asked if he could claim the baby and Oscar agreed. The conversation turned incredibly personal during the commute….he asked about her sex life and Oscar was honest….which pissed Him, Jr. off no end. He asked to see her tattoo ( a broken, bleeding heart) and Oscar asked would he fix it. He was blank…either he did not get it or she caught him sleeping. Then text messages began coming though on his phone from Miss Minor and he was showing them to Oscar. Him, Jr. told Miss Minor she was too clingy and he did not want what she was offering. Oscar was not sure what to make of any of this but I told her to remember how long it took her to accept the fact that it was over between Him, Jr. and herself. Miss Minor was hurt, angry and she was entitled to an explanation…who knew what he was telling the child or showing her?

Well, whatever it was, it ended up with Him, Jr. getting back together with Miss Minor. I hurt for Oscar, but I am not surprised. He is immature and confused and who really breaks up after one argument unless it is a helluva doozy? It seems that Oscar’s thoughts of an ulterior motive were correct as Him, Jr. got what he wanted….to claim the baby on the taxes. Oscar went ballistic: she cut her wrists in front of the boy, claimed she would die without him and ran willy-nilly into oncoming traffic. She was willing to abandon her son, her family and true friends because she simply could not bear to go through another heartbreak over this man. And I blame the both of them…..Him, Jr. for leading her on: he played on her emotions and feelings for him for his own gain, and Oscar never let go of any expectations. She still loves this man enough to put him first and to stop the tape when it gets to the bad parts.

And Oscar can rise above all of this….she can do the bigger thing and let her expectations go. She does not have to re-start the process (Morning Person can make a better determination)…..just accept the fact that regardless what happens over there does not have to affect her over here and pick up where she left off. She is still too emotionally tangled to view anything concerning this boy objectively, and she needs to cut him out of her life until she can play the tape in its entirety. Her blinders need to come off and she needs to see for herself what it was. Hope has to die and all worst case scenarios have to come to pass…he has to run out of ammunition and one thing I learned (thanks, Morning Person)….as long as you hold an expectation…..the other person will always have ammunition. She says she wishes him happiness with her, but I have that being a lie, at least for right now it is.  His happiness has cost Oscar hers for an indefinite period of time, and he cannot or will not help her with the closure she needs. All he says is he wants what he has now and she needs to move on with her life as he has. Great advice, but tell me how in the hell that is supposed to answer her questions: what does she have that I don’t and why couldn’t you have at least said goodbye? How can you honestly wish someone who won’t help you happiness?  You can’t until you can move past what you felt for the person they were and objectively view the person they are now. And you can only do that by rising above.

I had dinner with Fun One with this weekend….over General Tso’s chicken and vegetable fried rice we caught each other up on everything…..and I found out that the boyfriend Fun One broke up with 2 years ago still will not talk to him. Fun One says that they were together 12 years and he wants to be friends: hang out, dinners, movies, phone calls and emails to share their days but the Ex will not even answer his phone calls. I told him that is sounds as if the Ex is still deeply hurt by the actions leading to the breakup ( Fun One left him) and is probably still in love and not trusting his emotions around Fun One. And I feel sorry for the Ex….he is a handsome, great and funny guy. I hate that he has not yet risen above the hurt and anger and is still stuck as if the breakup happened yesterday. I will give Fun One credit…he is willing to talk and give apologies and explanations….the Ex is not willing to listen. Fun One and I decided we would both explore alternative lifestyles and we are going on the hunt for girlfriends really soon.

I have risen above somewhat…not a lot but enough that I know I do not want it to be two years from now and I am not ready to let go of the grudge. I do know that while I may never love another with the depth and intensity with which I loved Him, I will love again. I know that I will not die without him…..it has been 5 months and I am still standing despite the blows and hurt he has flung my way. I have risen above enough  to say that he can put his pictures of her wherever he wants….if it is in his office where he knows I will hear about it, so be it….maybe I was not even a factor. He just wanted to see her face to give him a break from the work on his desk. I can tell you I do not care if he marries her, but I do….and not for the reason you may think. I am torn when it comes to his impending marriage…the part of me that has risen above, forgiven and still cares for the man he used to be wants to warn him and open his eyes so he does not get hurt. Despite what he has put me through, I do not want to see him suffer one minute of it. The other side of me wants him to marry her and for her to be just what I know she is and what others can see her to be (Artistic One says do not judge a book by its cover) and to take him for everything he has and leave him high, dry and paying for black babies we all know aren’t his. I want to be proven right…..and I have not risen above enough to not want the Rock Star YES moment or to get rid of the mindset that I will not be better until he is feeling worse.

It takes a lot to rise above, be the bigger person and do the right thing…to and by yourself and others, especially someone who has hurt us. To completely leave the hurt and anger behind and want only the best for a person who has betrayed your trust in the most horrible of ways….if not for the process and the Panel, I would have told you it could never happen. But it can…given enough time, honesty, self-forgiveness and objectivity. I am nowhere near where I want to be, but I am further along than I thought I would or could be and all  without resorting to deer piss, physical violence and an act of arson.  As Bailey told Christina Yang: “If we don’t rise above and do the right thing by that man, we are no better than he is.”

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