I know I haven’t blogged in a couple of days……I would apologize, but so much has gone down that is going to make for at least two interesting blogs, I think you won’t mind. One of the things that Him’s latest revelation coupled with KBugg’s impending arrival has done is turned the Panel into some sort of alternative reality version of Las Vegas. Bets are being placed on KBugg’s arrival; I call it Baby Bingo and I say she will arrive right on schedule. Bell Pepper says she will arrive a week late, Morning Person says she will come when she comes and Pregnant One and Chef says she should have been here yesterday. Pregnant One says she can’t breathe (she can yell, eat and talk and has yet to pass out, but she can’t breathe), sleep is elusive and no position is comfortable, be it sitting, standing or laying down. Quiet One, Bell Pepper, Chef, Cuz, Mini-Me and Buddy are all placing bets on whether or not him will actually get married and on when he will return. I have to say I am floored that after knowing the man’s intentions with the BTH, they could even come out the mouth with a bet on his return, but to quote Morning Person (and not on this particular relationship):that is the nature of the relationship. Queen Bee (she is a person who swoops in every once in awhile to drop advice and wisdom) says this is what we do; it is simply on a different playing field right now. Oscar, Artsy-Craftsy and Pregnant One will not bet on a full-fledged return but they say I will have my day with him.
Which is where the Supa Sav-a-Ho comes in …..Supa Sav-Ho is an urban superhero who searches the streets for women… fixer upper women. Drug addicts, prostitutes, single moms on welfare, women with low paying jobs….women with low self-esteem and rough circumstances who can be saved by the love of a good man. Side note: there is a female version of this superhero I shall call Super Sav-a- Bro. Supa Sav-a-Ho thinks that they are Robert Young: Daddy Knows Best. They can guide you, mold you and put you on the right track. Just be faithful, loyal and honest to him, and all your dreams can come true. And Supa-Sav-a-Ho will persevere against ALL odds….baby daddy drama, pimps, crack rocks….you name it, Supa Sav-a-Ho has a plan he thinks can fix it. We ALL know a Supa Sav-a-Ho/Bro and we have one here on the Panel. No, it isn’t me…first I call the person Supa Sav-a-Ho which denotes a male/female dynamic; second, I get too emotionally involved and end up in need of a Supa Sav-a-Ho myself. It is not Buddy, although he tends to pick those type of women. The difference is Buddy knows when he is defeated and will move on. Nope, our resident Supa Sav-a-Ho is Cuz, who felt the need to have a 2 hour conversation with me the other night to prepare me for him’s return. According to Cuz, he will return and I need to be ( and I quote): “prepared for the battle”. Like I am some sort of Thundercat or something.
Cuz MUST have been bored or not willing to deal with his issues (and I cannot blame him as he has some SERIOUSLY fucked up issues) because he called me wanting to talk about him and the email I received. Cuz proclaimed to have insight into the entire issue, and frankly, I do not know what else there is to say or offer. From what we know and our experience with him, him is fucked up and whatever we had it is evident he either could not handle it (and everyone, including Morning Person agree that while the feelings I felt were not equally shared, it was not a one-sided deal) or did not want it. Yes, it is my first time getting dumped…well, Married Man did leave for a month one time, but he made a re-entry into my life that I should have stopped right then and there….. and Cuz says once I get used to the change and stop beating up on myself, the next time ( gee, thanks) will be a piece of cake. But Cuz says this (the BTH, the emails, the marriage) is all a front…..the missive is too generic and impersonal for it to even be a version of closure. It is vague and everything is a pronoun….feelings for “someone”? That someone could be me and to Cuz, it is me. He never considered marriage until 5 months ago, soon after our reconciliation…so I could be the one who has him thinking marriage. (Pardon me while I LOL at that statement) Him is scared to death and is saying these hurtful things to push me away because in his mind, he is doing me a favor. BUT he leaves the missive vague and open ended so I can maneuver my way back in. See, according to Cuz, him has put forth what he feels is the necessary effort to return but I am no longer responding the way I used to way back when…..so if I want him, I have to make the move and this is my opportunity. It sounded very convoluted to me…..I know I give the man too much credit and too much power, but never would I give him this much brains to do such an ass-backwards plan. I can agree that him is confused and still has no idea of what he wants and maybe he does want a Plan “B” to fall back on….I can agree that the man has not and will not give me the closure I want, but I have to disagree that he is deliberately withholding it to keep me hanging on. Once upon a time, all he had to was say: “wait here” and I would have.(Cuz says I no longer will, so this is why he had to concoct this plan) Even though this has escalated into something no one saw coming, I just have to say that for him to have moved on (or given the illusion of having done so) and wanting to be free of this fiasco with me, he would have at least lied just to shut me up and then continued on his merry way. And this is where Cuz says you KNOW the man hasn’t done a damn thing except wish for me to return: the man CAN lie….he has shown us that and any man ready to move on would have either said what I wanted to hear or told me to drop dead. They would not still be reading every missive I send and respond in such a manner. The hurtful, careless tone was sure to elicit a negative response from me and according to Cuz, him feels that anger and hurt are signs that I am still in love and care about him. Him craves hurt and abuse as he thinks pain and misery are happiness and the only way to get this treatment from me is to provoke me.
Maybe it was the fact I was half-asleep or that I am just looking for some way to close the door completely on all of this (and I have to say, when I think I can just get along without help from him, he does pop back up with the most cryptic of shit to keep it and us going), some ( not all) of what Cuz said makes sense.. But then, Cuz went and did some shit that blew all his wonderful Supa-Sav-a-Ho ideas out the water…he lost his fucking mind. Mind you, I wonder if Cuz does/says these things to get attention; I have noticed that when I say things he does not like to hear or he feels that his issues/drama are not getting enough attention, he is either in Philly ( sure you are) or he goes crazy. This time, he is blaming it on getting drunk off of rum. In any case, he sends me an email ( first clue) AND then he messages me on a social site. He wants me to call him. Excuse me, but the time it took you to send two emails, you could have called me yourself. In any case, he WRITES to tell me he is in front of One Great Love’s House, and how DARE she shit all over him after he loved her so much and gave her his all. He had a weapon and would blow her and her mama away and I have to know how he feels…don’t I remember telling everyone to go fuck themselves? Hmmm….I recall saying the next person to tell me to move on to go fuck themselves or risk getting their house burned down. I do not recall telling the entire world to go fuck themselves….I would say go to hell in a hand basket. So I call him…..and the phone goes straight to voice mail! WTF?? THEN he comes back emailing about how she is going to pay, he does not give a fuck about going to jail and he loves her soooooo much. I call again….again, straight to voice mail. Which tells me one thing: he has no laptop ( only desk tops) so he is at home concocting this story. He can’t be using the phone….even though it has text and email capability, it would actually have to be ON for him to send these emails. I tell him to go home and call me. I heard from him the next day….he called me at HOME at noon even though he knew I was at work and he has my work number. So you were never trying to reach me…you were having a pity party moment that just could not stay within you. You lost your mind , sought some attention and went all the way out in left field with it….Cuz actually said I told him he was not good enough for someone. ANYONE will tell you, that is a bold face lie. I never, ever say things like that….I have yet to say that to Him, and I have Him being the first person I would say something like that to.
I have no idea what the hell happened to our Supa Sav-a-Ho…..Sunday all that crap with One Great Love was behind him, he was with the Submissive Broken Phone Booth and was dispensing advice; two days later, this meltdown. Obviously, a process is in order….I told you guys before Cuz has not yielded to a process yet….he has been broken up with this woman since Him and I broke up the first time around…yet she still has him falling into states of denial and delusion and this is the reality: pity parties so intense, it has him resorting to attention getting tactics. Yet, when you call him out on these things, it is the liquor, it is all HER fault or the stoplight stayed red too long…..it is any and everything but him. His issues run from childhood, have multiplied and intensified and have manifested themselves in a lot of different (and disturbing) ways….yet he wants to save others. You cannot save anyone but yourself….and that is if you are lucky. Choosing a partner with worse issues than you does not make your issues any less or you any better….it just serves as a distraction from what is wrong with you. But the truth comes to light, and like life, it comes hard and fast. Fast enough to take down a superhero.
Of course, Cuz is not off the Panel…he is weirding out and we have to band together to offer advice and wisdom and help. Since he relates better to me than anyone else ( and no one will touch his issues with a ten foot pole), I will become big sister, therapist and Supa Sav-a Bro to help my friend….I will need to be at 100% , honest and objective, so as soon as I get the Right Bitch on the Wrong Day out of my system and some wisdom from Morning Person, I will be ready. Stay tuned for the continuation of THIS drama….more is sure to come.