A Ray of Sunshine

I think I know why people kill themselves. I know this a really messed up way to start a blog post, but look at the title: it is going to have a happy ending, so bear with me. I do not think people kill themselves over the pain and hurt….just like physical pain, emotional pain can be managed. You can still function, work and even laugh even while your heart is breaking. Yes, you may require a “sick day” when it gets to be too unbearable, but you manage  to live with and work around  pain and hurt. I say people get tired and disillusioned. People get tired of putting forth 100% effort time after time after time only to get the same results; people get tired of going through the motions and waking only to know it will be the same old hamster wheel; people get tired of crying and praying and seeing no change in their situation. People get disillusioned and not the disillusionment  of finding out that new hand cream does not work: it is the disillusionment that makes the ceiling the floor, that puts the doors where the windows should be and the knowledge that everything you have been told and taught is more than a lie; it makes you question your very existence …..almost like being told your parents aren’t your parents or that the person come to save or rescue you is actually there to kill you. People get tired and disillusioned and all they want to do is sleep …..sleep and never have to awaken to return to their realities. Realities they feel they cannot change or do not have the patience to wait for outside forces and Higher Powers to shape and mold.

However, life is like a Ferris Wheel….your perspectives will change and you will have views from the top and the bottom…constantly. We are always in a state of change whether we realize it or not, and you do not live for the profound changes, good or bad. You live for the feel of the wind in your hair and the rays of sunshine that peek out from the most heavy of clouds. You enjoy the highs, and weather the lows. It is okay to give in to the pity and nap, but you want to always awaken from sleep, no matter how deep. You want to remember that things do not last always (and I have to say that goes for the good as well as the bad…we tend to overlook that)  and while sometimes change is out of your hands or control, you can work with what you are left with and make the most of it. In ugliness, beauty can be found; and in the deepest pain and sorrow, happiness also resides. Today, in spite of my emptiness and pain and hurt….I am going to find the rays of sunshine around me.

The brightest ray of sunshine belongs to KBugg…she is due in less than a week!! YAY! Everyone is excited except Pregnant One who is scared to death; the easy part is over and what will she do with an actual, live baby in her arms? My answer….the right things. There is NOTHING like a new baby to fill you with hope and joy. The newness of life can be lived all over again and life is filled with firsts: her first cry; her first smile; her first words; her first steps; the first day of school. The love a new baby brings to the world is something to behold and marvel. Their innocence and helplessness may be scary at first, but knowing you are the one responsible for  this beautiful, beautiful person in the world only fills you with pride and determination to do whatever is necessary that this baby has all it wants and needs to make it in this world. And when they achieve their goals and dreams and know you were the one behind them, supporting them and loving them? Unconditional love and an unbreakable bond….what is better than that?

Girlfriend would say the job of your dreams. In the midst of the shitstorm that is her personal life, she landed a weekend gig coaching a female high school lacrosse team. Girlfriend has a passion for the sport (she coaches, she plays) and she likes teenage children. Babies poop themselves so that makes them unsanitary and toddlers turn your brain to mush with talk of Elmo and Barney; teenagers talk about boys, classes and shopping…all subjects Girlfriend can relate to and advise them on. Molding these young ladies into athletes and instilling in them senses of sportsmanship and leadership; teaching them the importance of values such as trust, honesty and respect on and off the field….it feels her with a sense of pride and when she talks about “her girls”….her smile is as bright and wide as the sun itself.

Buddy has a ray of sunshine in his life….he not only has a job, he will be returning to school to brush up on his skills so he can land a job in his chosen career field. The entire world is in a state of constant change and what he knew 2 years ago may really not be relevant today in his chosen field. He has secured the funding to be back at the top of his game and in the meantime, he is delivering pizzas full-time. I do not care what you do for a living….if it is legal, keeps a roof over your head, pays the bills and keeps your belly full and clothes clean…do it. Apparently he feels the same way.

When I asked Morning Person what her ray of sunshine was, she had no idea. She said that would take time to think about and it is her day off…from everything. So I will answer for our mama….right now, we have a Panel member about to give birth which means she has to dig through her motherly advice and wisdom book; I am stuck in a mindset from eons ago, am pretty much in Crazy Bitch/Last Word mode and am ready to jump off the deep end because I feel Him did also; Oscar and Cuz are being TOO quiet, which means something is about to pop off in their respective corners; Busy Bee is in need of love and support right now and to top everything off, Morning Person still has her OWN shit to deal with. So I am going to say her ray of sunshine is in knowing eventually all of the drama and hubaloo will die down and the wrongs will right themselves as long as none of us stir the pot…just let it simmer, boil and whatever else it needs to do. I have her crafting a sign: STAY OUT OF THE KITCHEN!

Oscar is also dealing with no closure and while she has seen Him, Jr….that did nothing to help with her process. He still looks the same and they fell right back into their easy pattern. As she put it: “We laughed remembering the good times and how good it felt to be around each other; then we stated arguing when reality set in”. The unanswered questions, the whys and what fors…they are back and stronger than before. Morning Person says to accept (I really wonder does she know any other words other than “no” and “acceptance”) the fact that those questions will never be answered. When people do fucked up things, even they don’t know why. Just pray for them and yourself and keep it moving. But Oscar does have a ray of sunshine:  she is about to start school, put her son in daycare and she is going on more auditions. She is working on her goals and dreams, and that is a definite ray of sunshine.

Guardian Princess has lost 80 pounds!! WOO-HOO!! That is a ray of sunshine all the way around: she is healthier and happier, she will be soon be treating herself to a trip to Puerto Rico as a reward for sticking with her goals, AND I get her hand-me-downs. YAY, us!

My ray of sunshine…..I am going to say that while this fiasco has moved too fast for me, all of my worst case scenarios are off the table. I survived every blow and while I may not have started out handling this situation in the best and most mature manner possible, I at least ended up handling my end of it with some semblance of common sense and maturity. He has nothing new to hit me with and the pain and hurt I still feel is old and in the process of healing.  He was the one I thought was the one and my heart can no longer break over Him and that is a ray of sunshine…to me, anyway.  It sucks that what was once filled with promise and good things (Morning Person is shaking her head…I know it!) ended the way it did (I think they can see the flames from this particular train wreck in Baltimore) and that I have no distractions to ease the discomforts I feel….but I think every Panel member will agree: at this stage I need no distractions and I need to feel the change taking place. I do have a job to go to, an understanding supervisor and co-workers who think I am the best thing ever, a GREAT group of friends and I am so grateful that this fiasco did not take away my humor, sense of compassion or my belief in love…I AM changed but not in a bad way.

So for those of you reading who are going through something that has you hurting, tired and/or disillusioned…heartbreak, loss of a loved one, unemployed, no money….whatever it is…..do not give in to the temptation to just sleep. Giving in to the temptation means you miss the opportunities, and trust and believe, opportunities abound. You can nap as rest is important to healing, but don’t nap too long. You can cry as it is cleansing and you can question things but not for too long. You cannot do the things that slow growth for too long because the early bird gets the worm, and you want to at least be there when the opportunities come your way.

An opportunity to help with the closure I need came my way today….in the form of Cuz. He called to see how I was doing and then he asked the question that he said had been on his mind forever and I am sure others wonder also. He said I should be over this fool by now….a woman as wonderful as me with all I offer pining over HIM? It was more than the love….and what about his leaving riled my issues up so badly? And  I told him the truth: I have never been dumped before. Yes, I have had the affair that never was with Tike, but with a man I was in a relationship and in love with? Never….and in fact no one got dumped. Things had run their course and everyone was tired of pretending. With Him, we had just reconciled, I was doing everything right, he was saying all the right things…we were happy. And then this happened, and it is not supposed to go wrong when everything is right. For Cuz at least, this put a lot of things in a different light, especially coupled with the fact we already know I am the first woman Him has left. Cuz laughed so hard at what he called “two virgins”.  Cuz told me that his leaving is in no way a reflection on me….men do stupid, fucked up shit all the time, especially when it comes to love and sex. Usually not when they are over half a hundred though,  and that some men (small percentage) will man up and do the right thing, but the majority don’t. They know they are fucking up but would rather deal with fallout than with consequences. He says I do not need him to tell me anything…that is what the Panel is there for. This fiasco shows Cuz that him is emotionally immature and my revelation just shows I am only now experiencing something that should have happened way earlier in life; it also clears up the mystery behind the plummeting levels of self everything. It seems complicated and confusing because things WERE great and I was not ready to stop loving him and despite my angry words, I have not and it is okay.  I feel a need for closure from him because it was not supposed to be this way and I feel I need it from him since he was the one who thrust me into this crap. It is in no way my fault and that even being dumped for the first time does not have to be this painful; that is what happens when fucked up meets unhealthy and to stop beating up on me. Everyone knows (including Him) that he fucked up and downgraded in the process….and given his tendency towards delusion and lies, who knows what is really going on over there? Cuz is not telling me to move on, stop loving him or not care…..that will fade and properly adjust itself with the passage of time. Just continue to be open to suggestions and the process ( he feels in light of this new information, the process will be longer than originally thought….I am SO excited) and remember it is NOT me.

What if I had given in to the sleep? What if I had gotten impatient and tired? I would have missed my opportunity to unearth another piece of the puzzle and the messenger was someone I would never have expected. Morning Person is the one who asks the questions and gives the insight that offers clarity. So remember, no matter what your issue is, help is out there….just be alert for the opportunities and do what you can to change and control your reality. If it is heartbreak….remember how happy the wrong one made you at one time? Imagine how happy the right one will make you. Loss of a loved one? No one is here to stay and just remember the ray of sunshine they were to you. As long as the memories live, no one ever dies. Unemployed? Enjoy that check and keep plugging away…sign up with every temp agency in town and put your resume on every job board…except Monster. They suck. Seriously. No money/not enough money? TELL PEOPLE. Tell your church, your family, your neighbors…..we all have had to depend on the kindness of strangers and you never know who is willing to help until you ask. Go to food banks, clothing banks and sign up for every benefit you can think of that the state/county offers. God helps those that help themselves.

Well, hopefully I helped someone today other than myself. I am going to have to re-read this and Like a Fat Kid Eats Cake lots of times….I need to heed my own advice and no time like the present. Not sure what I will talk about next time..depends on what the day brings me, but I am learning towards a little He Said/She Said as I have to be in just the right mindset to introduce you the Right Bitch on the Wrong Day.

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