I KNOW this is not the fun facts blog post….I am still working on that. We have had a communication ( he responded to my plea for closure) which has resulted in drama, arguments amongst Panel members and the realization of what was once the final worst case scenario. Friday was a messy, messy day and not only did it happen to me, Girlfriend is going through damned near the same thing. So, before I can go any further with the process or the blogging….it is time to clean this mess up and clear the air before it becomes too much to handle….fair warning: this could be a long post so you may want to grab snacks.
Him sent me an email at 8am…..mind you, in my wonderful, open and honest missive I told him I was stuck in my process. I am beyond the sex and the relationship; I wanted to meet new men, explore with new men and to be able to partake in all this happiness he says he wants for me. Cuz said THAT was the first mistake, while Morning Person says that it is the latest in a long line of mistakes….the first being the two if us getting together in the first place. His response was long (for him)….Cuz and Quiet One do not even think he wrote it. Artsy Craftsy and Pregnant One says they can tell he wrote it….it is vague, all over the place and STILL did not address the direct question and request to not be hurtful. The man apologized for obviously hurting me as it was not his intent (and I will say that for it never to be his intent, he does it quite well and quite often); he wants me to not let this bring me down for my sake as well as his ( you cannot answer my question, but want me to do you a favor?); he does have feelings for someone ( this statement sent up a red flag to pretty much all Panel members save Morning Person….she says the man has always been vague in his communications…do not expect specifics now) but there was an almost instantaneous attraction between him and “this woman” (that statement caught Cuz’s attention….it was either instantaneous or it wasn’t….there is no almost) and he is planning on getting married as soon as possible….something he never considered until 5 months ago. Oh, and again he is happier than he has ever been, despite what I may have heard (so you know you look like shit)….not in his entire life as he stated before, but happier than he has been in a long time. He does not want me to let the anger destroy me, so do what I have to do to be happy…please. Great! Let me grab a hammer, some gasoline, a baseball bat and a flatbed to haul away your hot tub.
I say the man is hateful and hurtful…..hateful, hateful, hateful. WHY keep throwing in my face how happy you are when I made it clear how unhappy I was? Why not try to help me with my closure and moving on instead of telling me about your impending nuptials? And Morning Person and I had an argument over that….Morning Person is taking the man at face value. She believes him and wishes I would also. I told her this was my process and I would do it my way and she could leave if she wanted. Then I hung up on her. Because I don’t believe him….his actions and treatment this time around have turned me into the State of Missouri: Show me. I do not believe a word that comes out of his mouth: I reject his apology because one, I did not ask for an apology. I asked him to answer a question. Two, in my eyes, it came across as cavalier and insincere…you cannot tell me what you are apologizing for which tells me you do not even know why I am hurting…..and being objective, that is all I need to know to understand why he cannot or will not give me closure. Even though he knows that he has done wrong (once all this went down, he could not even face me) he has no idea what he did wrong and why I seem to be so angry with him. He says he has the guts and balls to face me, but I doubt that. He stood a better chance when I was still numb with shock and all I wanted was my panties and porn…and he was afraid to take a chance then.
I am not going to lie….the news he was getting married had me in tears for almost an hour and had my emotions ripped raw. It did not give me closure (I will concede to Morning Person and say this is what he thought would give me what I needed); all it makes me want to do is make me burn his house down. It makes me call him Mike Brady ( two households, 5 kids and now a soon-to-be-wife….the new age version of The Brady Bunch). He says he knows I am a wonderful woman with oodles of great qualities…..he knows this, yet he could leave me behind without a goodbye or a backwards glance. Truly, this is my first experience with being the dumpee, he cannot/will not assist in my quest for validation AND he tells me he is getting married…I am fucked up times two right about now and it all adds up ( in my mind) to it being me. I am stuck now wondering what it is with ME ….and I am seeking validation from him that it isn’t me. The Panel is wonderful with that, and with the arrival of this email from him….they tell me ( and told me even when things were good) that it IS him: he is not worth it, he is fucked up and mentally defective and Oscar says the man just does not get me and that whatever he felt with me, he is not used to that being associated with love and happiness, and if he is that fucked up, I dodged the world’s biggest bullet. .Morning Person says that some people should never get together. We are two of them. Artsy Craftsy says that definitely we are in two different books at this point, and we are on different paths to learn our lessons, but she still says that if we are meant to be, our paths will cross again and we will be. Pregnant One just says…OH.MY.GOD. The rest of the Panel (including Bell Pepper who is still trying to determine if I am telling her the truth about his position on the Island as she says a middle schooler can be more honest and direct and probably has better writing skills) believe that the communication is filled with half truths, delusion and is designed to keep me hurting and hanging on. Girlfriend says anyone that damned happy has no need to tell me every single time and if he IS happy, he is living in Upside Down Land as appearance, demeanor and attitude says a lot…..Bell Pepper agrees with her.
I don’t care. I do not want him back in my life in any capacity, period. At this point, civility is a stretch. I have already said what I have to say on the whole thing: I asked you tell me why you felt the need to basically abandon me, break every promise and lie to me on top of it….it is not about the woman. It is about how you treated me and our friendship/relationship and he cannot answer that. Now I have to turn my thought processes around because I really do think it is me…..and perhaps that is because I still hold a skewered perspective of him, giving him too much credit and myself not enough. Now I have to work on my self-esteem, self-respect and self-worth. I thought I had let the anger go, but it was front and center once I read his response….maybe it is tied to pain and hurt? OR could it be my control issues acting up? Morning Person says I am still holding an expectation that he will give me what I say I need from him, but I cannot expect anything from him….not one damned thing. He cannot give it to me….as incomprehensible as that is to me…he just cannot do that. Hell, in his mind, nothing is broken and I am going through Crazy Female Syndrome. IF he can give it, he won’t know how and will be too scared of consequences if he did.
Girlfriend…..remember her guy who she had her intimate friendship with? The one who said she was so beautiful, wonderful and amazing? The one who left her for barely legal trailer trash? ( I know I sound like a jealous, bitter bitch bashing the people Panel members get left for, but truly: my Panel is filled with beautiful, handsome, caring and amazingly awesome people who offer the world to those they love, so definitely no one else measures up) Well, dude is not only engaged ( is there something in the air or the water?), his chick is pregnant (he is another who did not want kids) AND he commented on her FB page, wanting to know where his congratulations were. Morning Person says he has balls big as church bells. Girlfriend was floored and I will say this: she is a better person than me. She gave him her best wishes….I would have told him to suck my dick, and put his face to my ass while I farted to find his fucking congratulations. This was followed shortly by another guy from her past ( I am going to call him Ricky Ricardo) who she was still friendly with…..he had fallen off the face of the earth for a couple of months following an argument with Girlfriend that HE started; he called her wanting to know why she had deleted him out of her life? Girlfriend had a breakdown randomly driving one day this week: like me, she is wondering what it is with her that guys leave and always can make the commitment to what they claim not to want and not to her? Why is it when shit goes south, it is always her fault and never theirs? She has a guy now who is texting her at all hours of the night, calling her “his lady”, yet he has a girlfriend he neglected to tell her about….she found out via Facebook. She is done, too through and has no hope for love….ever. Yet, she wants to play the game with this new guy….she wants to see how far he will try to take it, how many lies he will tell and how many free drinks she can get from the deal.
I told her to play the game….nothing wrong with having fun and Lord knows, you gotta get your kicks when and where you can find them. You are forewarned and forearmed…just do not get caught up. Seriously, THIS weekend, I would put everything aside for a distraction….I am not particularly craving sex, but today, would not turn it down. I would use and be used and happy to do so….except Mother Nature is visiting so there goes that plan. Girlfriend and I (right now, I call us peas in a pod; she says we are leading parallel lives) were thinking of holding pity parties this weekend, but Morning Person is dead set against that one (I thought feeling was healing? And if nothing else at a pity party, you feel things), Quiet One says NO crying…..for anyone. Chef says the guys we know are assholes and we all know what an asshole is full of, so if we want to shed tears over turds, go ahead. However, the pity party is cancelled…..after my breakdown over the email yesterday and venting our pain, hurt and frustration to each other…..there is nothing left to pity, which is a good thing. She has a coaching job on weekends which occupies her time, and it is time for me to guide the process back onto me and work on the issues. I have grudgingly accepted the fact I have to give myself closure and I am not the only Panel member to do so…I am just the most impatient. Girlfriend has been through a 3 year process because she had to give herself closure (and had a few disastrous flings along the way), and when dude came back at the end of her process to tell her why he left the way he did…..she just looked at him and walked away. Morning Person has been through one that took almost 5 years, and Artsy Craftsy had to go through it also….she was Crazy Psycho Stalker Bitch for a while, and vented hatred and venom on any man who was foolish enough to enter her world at the time. So I have the guidance I need to lead me, I am open to suggestions and am ready to heal and move on to my Next Big Thing.
Bell Pepper offered to come over or take me to her house this weekend to keep me company and hold my hand (she says we can sit Indian style on the floor and just be quiet) but it is cold and it is a stay in bed day….24 hours ago all I wanted was to hide under the covers and cry, but today….there is laundry to fold, naps to take and a fun facts blog to finish. What a difference 24 hours, a date night, therapy sessions and true friendship can make.