I know I haven’t blogged in a couple of days…..I have been wrestling with things. As you may have noticed, I have not blogged about him in awhile; there is a reason for that. In addition to keeping the negativity out of this new year, I am trying to keep him in the background. Kind of out of sight, out of mind….the less “real” he is, the less real he becomes. However, it does not work that way….he invades my dreams at night: we have been younger and total strangers in one; he dated my mother in another. He and his daughters lived in my grandmother’s house and they had me over for dinner and most recently, we had hot, sweaty sex on his desk. He invades my thoughts during the day and I am either filled with love and warmth at the thought of him and of us, and other times the hurt hits me in waves so harsh and sudden, I break down without realizing it or I cannot breathe right because my heart has constricted oh, so tightly.
I have not really spoken of him to the Panel and they are relieved. Morning Person is glad of the break, Pregnant One does not even know I have not mentioned him….her brain is fried within two hours of waking. Quiet One thinks I am moving on more than anyone knows and Girlfriend thinks I am being strong. After all, we have had another communication which I have ignored. It was not written….he brought more pictures to the office and the one everyone noticed is of them together. They are in a restaurant, surrounded by people, separated by a table and there are wineglasses on the table. I am not sure what I am supposed to say: I told him 3 months ago if he wanted to impress me to take a picture together and display it; he is supposedly “staying” with this woman who has 3 kids, and the best you can do is to take a picture together in a restaurant? Okay. Besides, the woman is fat ….and I am not one to call people fat; how can I? Pot, meet Kettle….but from those who have seen it, she makes me look like a Skinny Minnie. Also, she is older than even we know: bags and dark circles under her eyes, saggy cheekbones and wrinkles. A far cry from the pictures of 25 years and a good 150 pounds ago which she hands out like candy. Well, that makes two things they have in common: denial and delusion.
I wanted to see the pictures…I wanted to see him. I wanted to see for myself all this happiness and greatness. I am wanting closure and it was agreed amongst the Panel that if I could remain honest with all involved and objective, I just may be able to get it. Monday was a holiday for me, but a work day for the Island. Artsy Craftsy and Chef agreed to a lunch date and Pregnant One said she would waddle on up there for one last pre-Mommy get together. Quiet One was sick but she came down to see folks….and I did not see him or the pictures. He was in a meeting and while I felt justified in going in to see the pictures ( he was nowhere around and for real, WHAT would he have done if he had caught me in there?), Pregnant One and Chef were against the idea. It would not be respecting his space and for real, I did not want to see pictures of HER….I needed to see HIM, face to face. Artsy Craftsy said it was fine by her ( she works in the department and she is in charge when the head honchos are out) but she concurred about me really not wanting to see the pictures….it was maybe 3 of her, 1of him, 2 of his daughters and the one together….and the BTH is a different woman in each one; his looked like him and no one really cares about the daughters. I needed to see him the way only I would or could….but I was so not waiting around for the meeting to be over….the Island not only invented meetings, they are constantly looking for ways to improve the longevity of them. I was not even disappointed even though I looked fantastic….apparently Higher Powers, Universe and Karma know what they are doing and you can’t fight City Hall. Anyways, he was sick….again. Jesus, he has been sick ever since getting with this chick….he will keep on and wake up dead one day.
In any case, these invasions, or interruptions to my life, had me break down the other day and it was a bad one. It came out of nowhere and while it did not last long, it was intense. Incredibly…..and when it was over, I knew all I wanted was closure. No sense holding out for hope….even if he got it right, the damage has been done and on my end, I really cannot forget, trust or respect him any longer. I want to be able to forgive him fully and put him totally and completely behind me before he really does turn what we had and my feelings towards him into a lie and a farce…..so I decided to interrupt his day. No, I did not send the ugly email….I wrote a brand new missive that even Morning Person was proud of, although I have to wear tank top to show that there is nothing up my sleeve. Artsy Craftsy said it was honest and open, Pregnant One thought it was perfect, Oscar said if he did not respond to that, she would hit the ground with her hat and Quiet One did not find it negative but feels him might as he is still in defensive mode. I asked for closure….I told him I had moved on some, but wanted more. I want this happiness he says he has and he wishes for me. I am emotionally destroyed and only half heartedly playing the game of Life. I need my levels replenished and if I could shed some insight on WHY he treated me the way he did, why he used his knowledge of my issues, weaknesses and vulnerabilities to exploit to his advantage, that would go a long way to helping me fully embrace someone new and explore new paths. I would no longer hate nor blame myself or him and all that is all I wanted. No reconciliation, no declarations of love….just an honest, from the heart, straightforward plea.
Of course, no response. Morning Person was not expecting one, Artsy Craftsy said to give it a couple of days but Chef and Quiet One may have hit the mark….he won’t say goodbye or give me what I need for a proper one because to him, it is not goodbye. Never was, never has been. Chef thinks I have the closure I need to move on, but he is a guy who has no closure himself. He lives in a house surrounded by a dead woman’s clothes, books and pictures. He is painting the house in colors his fiancée liked, no woman can ever cross his doorsill and he does not want another relationship ever….he is content with memories and porn. Yet, because he gets up every morning and goes to work and does not cry as often, he thinks he has closure. I KNOW I don’t…..and I do know I want to be as close to 100% before putting myself out there. I want someone in my life….I want to smile and laugh and be naked with someone. I want to love again….not just be okay. I know I have moved on past him somewhat and I know the process is still working but it is not complete. My self-esteem is still low, my self-worth is in the negative and on the inside I feel ugly and unloved. That is no way for anyone to be or live…..I want to be the me I was before all this happened.
I have no idea why he won’t give me a proper good-bye and it doesn’t even have to be face to face….just something comprehensible that I can use. Seriously, I would take “I don’t have an excuse” as an excuse. WHY he would want me lurking in the shadows cursing him out and belittling him whenever I damn well please is beyond my spectrum of reasonable thought. For real, I have no problem being the Crazy Bitch….I have done it before and can still live comfortably with myself; but I don’t want to go that route. I want to move on as healthily as possible….and if he is so happy and wants the same for me, please help me.
Well, I know this is not the Panel fun facts I promised you….please pardon the interruption. I have actually started writing it, but again, there was an invasion into my thoughts so this is what we have today. I have a date night with Girlfriend( her thoughts and dreams have been interrupted lately also) and will finish the fun facts blog afterwards. We still have to meet the Right Bitch on the Wrong Day , enjoy a Ray of Sunshine and maybe a little He Said/She Said. Stay warm, and a new blog post will be coming soon!