Author’s Note: This may very well be the longest blog post to date. You have been warned.
I know I have not blogged, and I apologize. The pain is persistent and I just can’t seem to shake it. However, I still need to live my life: work, dinners out/socializing (two days in a row!!), domestic duties. It takes a toll on a girl…and to top everything off, I am missing Him so much…so, so much. Random memories are coming at me out of nowhere: our kisses, his corny jokes, the time we stood in the hallway outside my apartment listening to my neighbors argue. I remember his encouraging me while I was working for the Craziest Bitch in America, holding hands while riding in the car and nicknames. I am not broken down and crying, but the memories are bittersweet. Artsy Craftsy is all mushy over it (she’s hugging and saying Awwww), Pregnant One is hoping that it does not shake my resolve, Chef and Cuz understand and Morning Person says a bad day is coming up fast. I told her it was a sad day, but we all know by now that a sad day turns into a bad day REAL quick over here, so I decided to blog this out now before that bitchy missive I wrote lands in his inbox. I know I said no negativity this year, but those who know me know I have one last good cursing out just waiting for his ass. So, I am apologizing again because our trip to Nebraska is postponed by at least a day; the Phone booth will not reveal any secrets today. Today, we are going to talk about sin.
Sin. We all commit them, we do not all confess them. Even when we know it is wrong to do certain things, we do it anyway. U2 put it best: “how sweet the sin; how bitter the taste in my mouth”. History and the Bible tell us that while there are thousands of sins, seven of them are deadly…resulting in spiritual, moral and even physical death; and regardless of how agnostic you are, everyone knows that there are seven deadly sins, ten commandments and twelve apostles. I am going to talk about the seven deadly sins as it relates to my fiasco, the process and the places it takes me because upon review of these sins, I think I am committing a good 6 ½ of them. Note that the sins are not listed in any particular order, but I most identify with lust, pride and envy.
Lust: Lust is usually thought of as excessive thoughts or desires of a sexual nature. Aristotle’s criterion was excessive love of others, which therefore rendered love and devotion to God as secondary. In Dante’s “Inferno”, unforgiven souls of the sin of lust are blown about in restless hurricane-like winds symbolic of their own lack of self control to their lustful passions in earthly life. Well, definitely one aspect I do miss with him IS the sex, and Lord knows, I have lusted after this man for years. Even now, thoughts of him can drive me into a sexual frenzy that lead to weekends in bed spent with porn, imagination and memories. I am not sure if he has replaced God as #1, but after five months apart and a BTH, he STILL has a hold on me so strong and sexual, he has gained a definite lead over my concern for me and my welfare, and isn’t that just as bad?
Gluttony: Derived from the Latin gluttire, meaning to gulp down or swallow, gluttony is the over-indulgence and over-consumption of anything to the point of waste. In the Christian religions, it is considered a sin because of the excessive desire for food or its withholding from the needy. I am not sure this applies to me, but with my emotions see-sawing all over the place, I do indulge in more smoking than ever. I am up to almost 2 packs a day, and while I have managed to rein in my eating habits (thanks to depression and abdominal pain), I will still indulge in binge eating to the point I feel miserable and all I want to do is puke and lay down. On a side note, it is considered a virtue and a sign of self-control to not give in to temptation….and only now have I started exercising a semblance of self control when it comes this fiasco.
Greed/Covetousness: Like lust and gluttony, greed is a sin of excess. However, greed (as seen by the church) is applied to a very excessive or rapacious desire and pursuit of wealth, status, and power. St. Thomas Aquinas wrote that greed was “a sin against God, just as all mortal sins, in as much as man condemns things eternal for the sake of temporal things.” In Dante’s Purgatory, the penitents were bound and laid face down on the ground for having concentrated too much on earthly thoughts. Okay, I could NEVER get enough of this man. It did not have to be sexual….I would pay to see him take a nap. Seriously, our time together was always too short and never enough. I wanted to devour him sexually; with talking, I would ask the dumbest questions to just hear his voice. I would touch, look at and smell every inch of him so I could always remember what he was….and now….his scent is leaving my nostrils and I don’t want to forget. I want to be greedy again with him. The really sad part of greed is this: is it ever satisfied?
Sloth: Sloth is believed to be the failure to utilize one’s talents and gifts and the neglect to take care of something that one should do. Perhaps I should add sloth to the list of sins I am most identifying with: the depression had my house on the verge of being condemned. I did not shower ( Panel members had to threaten me to go stand under some water) I did not eat so the fact I had no money for groceries did not matter. I hid away from the world, and now? I keep telling you guys about my pain….have I been to a doctor? I need more income, but have fallen into a complacency that will surely be my downfall. All I want to do is lay in bed and sleep when I am not masturbating and tell you all I am processing…and sometimes I really am.. The only thing that is NOT true about this definition is that this fiasco has encouraged me to utilize my talents with writing….I am doing this blog, but my drafts of my book that will make me rich, a household name and win Mo’Nique her next Oscar?? On hold, while I talk about him every day.
Wrath/Anger: Wrath is the only sin not necessarily associated with selfishness or self-interest. Anger, in its purest form, presents with self-destructiveness, violence, and hate that may provoke feuds that can go on for centuries. Anger may persist long after the person who did another a grievous wrong is dead. Feelings of anger can manifest in different ways, and Dante has described wrath as “love of justice perverted to revenge and spite”. What can I say? Anger has the ability to take a person completely outside themselves and become a horrible caricatures of themselves. It inspires crimes of passion and is the first emotion to bring the term “temporary insanity” into being: that happened the year 1882, when Daniel Sickles went on trial and was acquitted for the murder of Phillip Barton Key II, the son of Francis Scott Key, who was having an affair with Sickles’ wife. Sickles’ attorneys argues that Sickles’ anger rendered him unable to determine right from wrong until after the deed was done.; that is how deadly anger is. You can go insane and not know right from wrong; when angry, killing a person makes perfect sense and not until the deed is done do you realize what you have done. Anger can make lifelong enemies of people, who then raise their children to hate people they do not even know …Hatfields and McCoys anyone? If you asked a third generation member of the Hatfields why they hate the McCoys, their answer will most likely be: it’s always been that way. My father hated them and his father before him. So anger is a cycle that can perpetuated endlessly, and how do you stop it? How do you just let it go, and move on? I think if people knew how to do that, anger would not be a deadly sin.
Envy: Like greed, envy may be characterized by an insatiable desire; Dante has defined envy as “a desire to deprive other men of theirs.” Greed however, is mostly associate with material good or gain, while envy is more emotionally based as you perceive yourself to be lacking in some way. Envy is also the only sin directly related to the Ten Commandments: “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor”. And I will freely admit: I am extremely envious of anyone who is a part of his life while I no longer am…BTH (and I understand the feeling of lacking something because she turned his head and he turned his back on me); his daughters; hell, even Artsy Craftsy, Quiet One and Chef get to see him every day. I am sure they would rather not, but I want to see him, talk to him and touch him. And now I feel forbidden to and a stranger, all because I feel I am lacking whatever it took to keep him and make him happy. I am envious of those in great relationships, those who are sexual, those who are not processing. Color me green. Envy pretty much incorporates pieces of greed, gluttony and takes from your perception of self image and self esteem to keep you always wanting what another has. It’s not jealousy which is defined as resentment against a rival or mental uneasiness arising from suspicion. I do not have a rival and I no longer have suspicions…I am envious which is defined as a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another’s advantages or possessions. I make no excuses or apologies…look at it as trying to Keep Up with the Jones’…..The Fucked Up BTH Fiasco Edition.
Pride/Vainglory: Pride is considered the original and most serious of the seven deadly sins, and the source of the others. It is identified as a desire to be more important or attractive than others, failing to acknowledge the good work of others, and excessive love of self (especially holding self out of proper position toward God). Dante’s definition was “love of self perverted to hatred and contempt for one’s neighbor.” In Dante’s Divine Comedy, the penitents were forced to walk with stone slabs bearing down on their backs to induce feelings of humility. The most well-known example of pride is Lucifer’s fall from Heaven. In all truthfulness, it is hard for me to associate myself with pride with all my low levels of self everything, but my ego has no problems with it. How can I be the one who is rejected and abandoned with all I offer? With all he said I was and what my mirror shows me every time I look in it? I have no humility here….I have no feelings of fate or karma (I know I blogged about maybe it is because I betrayed his trust first, but for real, if he does not know what happened, it did not happen…and WHERE is the God in THAT statement??) I demand to be apologized to, I demand explanations, I demand him on his knees begging forgiveness from me…..not a Higher Power whom we all will answer to. I want my ego assuaged and I want to belittle and humiliate him even further. I want him submitting to and worshipping me. And that is the danger of pride….all else is excluded. Anger may make you kill another, but pride will make you kill yourself. (Morning Person and I had a discussion over which sin was deadlier: anger or pride? When she made the statement I just wrote…she won.) How many times have we said, I will DIE before I give in to that person? How many people who cannot bear the thought or consequences of being seen in a different light than which they present themselves take the route of suicide (which is the only sin that cannot be forgiven)…so pride not only can drive you to kill yourself, you are damned to an eternity in Hell because of it. With pride in the picture, where is my love for him? Where is the forgiveness?
You know, my horoscope today was so on point, even Morning Person had to say that it was dead on. It told me to examine my motives for wanting a certain person back in my life; look beneath the surface to examine why we even got together in the first place and my true motives for wanting a reconciliation as I can no longer accept and reject pieces of them at will. I have to say I really don’t know…depends on when you catch me. I DO love him, I don’t want to forget him and I want more than anything for us to get it right; yet, when you read where I am with pride…all it sounds like I want is revenge and humiliation. And I need to process, dig deeper and work a little harder to see what I really want. Of course, to be healed and in a better place, but what do I need for closure? I have said I was going to see him for myself, but what happens then? Will it give me the closure I want or will it re-open wounds that are only now beginning to heal? And one thing that came through with this post: where is GOD in my process? Where am I in this process? Reading this, I sound like a soulless victim, wallowing in a pool of self-pity and self righteousness. I need to sit down, re-group and prioritize…..I do not want to end up in a Hell where I am strapped down with heavy stones, swirling in an endless hurricane to land face down, eating dirt.
I know one thing…tomorrow, our asses are visiting Nebraska!