I am on hold. Yes, it is a new year and I am trying to maintain a new attitude but I am struggling with the same old process. It is being quiet again and I am feeling the emotional discomfort. I am attempting to channel the restless feelings in another direction versus making Him my verbal whipping boy (and really, why not? He will read the communication which is all I want. He won’t respond as he will have no idea where this newest assault is coming from) but it is not working. I am wanting positive male attention from a male I do not know. I want to have lunch or dinner, flirt, laugh and get to know someone. Can’t do that with male Panel members…all we will do is re-hash the past and speculate on what could have been; besides, my body is sending signals that it is time to do something other than break out the porn and the imagination. The last time I was actually penetrated was August 2009….it was with Him and even then, he could not quite rise to the occasion and we had to use a dildo to bring me to the home stretch. As for any type of intimacy or sexual fun, again it was him during the 4th of July weekend. A girl can only love herself so much for so long.
Do not get me wrong….I am not waiting around on Him. What we had is now in the past….we may or may not have moved on past each other and the ridiculous treatment, but we have moved past the relationship and the sex. Should we meet again and want to try again, we have to build anew from where we are in the present, not on the past. I am not dumb enough or THAT in love that my entire life will be put on hold waiting on what may or may not happen. I am not looking for a relationship (I still have too many unresolved issues); hell, I am not even looking to be sexual, and that maybe the problem right there. People talk about friends with benefits, but where is the FRIENDS part? Men want to exchange a couple of sentences via email and then exchange pictures. IF they like what they see, then they want to meet for a drink or two to solidify the “connection” and then hurry back to your place or theirs to get the benefits their new “friend” has for them. And I am so past that.
I have done the one night stand thing….several times……but they left me feeling empty and used especially as they were the ones getting all the pleasure. Seriously, until I met Him I never had a man who could please me on a consistent basis. And a one night stand pretty much meant that they weren’t coming back to try and rectify the problem, although several have tried and still try to this day. The guys I fucked before I met Him I would not fuck again if they paid me and you KNOW a sista needs some dollars. They have NO clue as to what they are doing. Kissing…give me a break; I felt either that I was drowning in spit or pecked to death. Giving oral?? Seriously, I could take a wet paper towel, wipe myself twice and get more sensation than they gave me. The act itself? Please. I did have the sense enough to insist that it was safe/protected and really, it was a waste of a perfectly good condom as they had the staying power of all of 5 minutes maybe…..and these were YOUNG guys. I do not think I had a one night stand over the age of 30. The ONLY thing those idiots did correctly was receive the oral and that is saying something…or maybe it isn’t.
So at the end of a relationship, after knowing what a connection is; after the attraction and chemistry and knowing how much better sex is when it is meaningful and filled with caring? I have no desire to settle for a quick roll in the hay with a guy who will not even know my name when it is over. I want someone who will know that it starts more so with a mental connection than a physical one. Yes, physical attraction is important but it is not the be all and end all unless all you want is to have sex. I want someone I can get to know; someone I can talk to, share meals with and do things outside of the house with. I want a man willing to put forth the effort to get to know me as a person first and if there is a connection, let’s build on it…together and slowly. I think I am asking for too much as this is a city that wants things done yesterday.
I have put myself out there….I am on Plenty of Fish and Match.com….Craigslist does not count as they will not even post my ad even though they say they have. I have answered ads that sounded promising…but still nothing. And no, I am not answering the ads of men that are fit or outdoorsy. Guys who like curves or BBW; guys looking for nice, sweet women are the ones I answer. Part of the problem also is that the men in this area are shallow as hell. Seriously, the men of the DMV think that a woman above a 4/6 is fat so I must be morbidly obese in their eyes. They want a woman who is white, Asian or Latina as their hair is silkier and softer to the touch. They want petite with long legs and boobs so big, she will tip over if she stands still too long. You have to be educated and go to the gym 4 times a week, be able to bear children and it is best if you are submissive. You have to live alone in a great neighborhood, make 6 figures and drive a great car..…yet all they want is a hook-up! So even if I met these ridiculous requirements, I still would not get what I seek: a deep and true friendship that has the potential to become intimate. I will STILL have to deal with guys too cheap to buy dinner and still expect a blowjob after a couple of drinks. I told you guys about the guy who claimed to be looking for what I was looking for, yet could not commit to a casual dinner…..he wanted to just come over here to have a drink and really get to know me. I told him it was best to meet in public first for safety purposes and to see if we really were on the same page; besides I do NOT drink and no way was he coming over to do in my house what I do not even do. The man actually had the gall to tell me he felt that dinner was too expensive a meal to pay for if his cock was still going to be unattended. Seriously.
So, like I said in the first sentence: I am on hold. I hate being on hold for one reason: everyone views it as if I am waiting on him to return and I cannot stress this enough: I.AM.NOT. waiting on him to come back. Again, what we had is in the past, and right now I have no present. Yes, I want new memories and new happiness but I am not compromising what I know I want and need at this time of my life to not get what I want. I want someone who will know me, grow with me and I can have a long-term connection with. I cannot force things and I am not settling. In the grand scheme of things, I do not think I am asking for too much and perhaps it is just not my season yet. I will not die because there is no one new on the horizon and who knows why I am being made to wait? All I know is until it is my time to make new memories, I still have the old ones. I was able to release the emotional discomfort with a letter I wrote to him…for when/if he returns. Incredibly premature I know and no, I am not sending it. If the occasion calls for it, I will but I have to write what I feel when I feel it…it strengthens my resolve to no longer put up with unacceptable behaviors and treatments; not just from him but from any man…and it made me feel better and that is all I wanted. I will continue to stay open to possibilities and for opportunities . There are plenty of other areas in my life that need tending to so I will focus my energies on them; maybe if I can put all of this completely to the backburner something will pop up…..and maybe it won’t. Who knows? I sure don’t, but it is going to make for some boring blogs if nothing does happen.