Rising Above

It is Sunday afternoon….the house is somewhat clean (I decided to take a break from it and blog)  and I am listening to my chill, remixed instrumental music. Akwaba by TYA is playing and Oscar and I call it the “sex song”. It is tribal and primal with heavy bass and drums and a chant that makes me want to move my body every time I hear it. So I am dancing in my chair (dancing…now done sitting down!) and unsure what I was going to blog about today….Buddy’s life is utterly surreal and hilarious right now so that will definitely be a future post and I still have to tell you guys about the arguments I have had with the men in my life but this weekend has been a learning experience for me. I have heard things and been privy to a situation that was begging me to put it out there RIGHT NOW, but I had no idea what context to put it in, until I saw Grey’s Anatomy last night.

Grey’s is simply the bomb show ( I HAVE to blog about Meredith and soon) and one of the storylines in last night’s episode was about a white supremist who was seriously injured but would not allow Bailey to touch him nor would he look at her. Of course, we did not know in the beginning he was a racist and neither did Bailey. He kept insisting he wanted a male doctor, so the Chief was summoned. Of course, the supremist came up with another excuse: he wanted a “different” doctor, but the Chief saw through the guy. The Chief told  (not asked) him: “You want a white doctor” and left Bailey to handle things. Bailey got Yang….she wasn’t white, but she wasn’t black and Bailey is not one to just cower away in a corner and give anyone exactly what they want. Besides, Bailey had time on her side….the man would bleed out if not treated soon, and as long as the doctor wasn’t black, he could not say they did not follow his wishes as he never stated he wanted a white doctor….he eventually stated one had to be present during the surgery to ensure Bailey did not “kill him on the table.”

So Yang gets pulled off of a great surgery to help Bailey with this guy, and when Yang removes his shirt, the man has a giant swastika tattooed on his stomach….and Christina Yang is Jewish. Christina balks as her stepfather’s parents died at Auschwitz and no way is she going to help save the life of such a man; but Bailey tells her if she…no, if they both walk away from this man, they are no better than he is and they ARE better than that. Bailey said she and Yang shall rise above and do the bigger thing and the right thing.

Which leads me to the situation I was privy to this weekend….Oscar. Our beautiful, hurt girl gone wild had her dream come true turn into a nightmare in less than24 hours and she feels that she is in the depths of something beyond anyone’s control. Him, Jr. announced to her that he had broken it off with Miss Minor because she “wasn’t worth it”. His recent behavior seemed to suggest that…phone calls and texts in which they laughed and flirted, no arguments and no mention of Miss Minor. Upon hearing the news, Oscar of course was over the moon, doing Snoopy dances and I admit, I was a tad envious. I asked her what she was going to do now that her fiasco was over and she had so many plans….sex (even right now, that girl is ready for that piece of man meat), deep conversations and she swore that unless he could fully commit to her, they would not be reconciling. Him, Jr. was going to file his taxes the next day and asked Oscar to come along…..he asked if he could claim the baby and Oscar agreed. The conversation turned incredibly personal during the commute….he asked about her sex life and Oscar was honest….which pissed Him, Jr. off no end. He asked to see her tattoo ( a broken, bleeding heart) and Oscar asked would he fix it. He was blank…either he did not get it or she caught him sleeping. Then text messages began coming though on his phone from Miss Minor and he was showing them to Oscar. Him, Jr. told Miss Minor she was too clingy and he did not want what she was offering. Oscar was not sure what to make of any of this but I told her to remember how long it took her to accept the fact that it was over between Him, Jr. and herself. Miss Minor was hurt, angry and she was entitled to an explanation…who knew what he was telling the child or showing her?

Well, whatever it was, it ended up with Him, Jr. getting back together with Miss Minor. I hurt for Oscar, but I am not surprised. He is immature and confused and who really breaks up after one argument unless it is a helluva doozy? It seems that Oscar’s thoughts of an ulterior motive were correct as Him, Jr. got what he wanted….to claim the baby on the taxes. Oscar went ballistic: she cut her wrists in front of the boy, claimed she would die without him and ran willy-nilly into oncoming traffic. She was willing to abandon her son, her family and true friends because she simply could not bear to go through another heartbreak over this man. And I blame the both of them…..Him, Jr. for leading her on: he played on her emotions and feelings for him for his own gain, and Oscar never let go of any expectations. She still loves this man enough to put him first and to stop the tape when it gets to the bad parts.

And Oscar can rise above all of this….she can do the bigger thing and let her expectations go. She does not have to re-start the process (Morning Person can make a better determination)…..just accept the fact that regardless what happens over there does not have to affect her over here and pick up where she left off. She is still too emotionally tangled to view anything concerning this boy objectively, and she needs to cut him out of her life until she can play the tape in its entirety. Her blinders need to come off and she needs to see for herself what it was. Hope has to die and all worst case scenarios have to come to pass…he has to run out of ammunition and one thing I learned (thanks, Morning Person)….as long as you hold an expectation…..the other person will always have ammunition. She says she wishes him happiness with her, but I have that being a lie, at least for right now it is.  His happiness has cost Oscar hers for an indefinite period of time, and he cannot or will not help her with the closure she needs. All he says is he wants what he has now and she needs to move on with her life as he has. Great advice, but tell me how in the hell that is supposed to answer her questions: what does she have that I don’t and why couldn’t you have at least said goodbye? How can you honestly wish someone who won’t help you happiness?  You can’t until you can move past what you felt for the person they were and objectively view the person they are now. And you can only do that by rising above.

I had dinner with Fun One with this weekend….over General Tso’s chicken and vegetable fried rice we caught each other up on everything…..and I found out that the boyfriend Fun One broke up with 2 years ago still will not talk to him. Fun One says that they were together 12 years and he wants to be friends: hang out, dinners, movies, phone calls and emails to share their days but the Ex will not even answer his phone calls. I told him that is sounds as if the Ex is still deeply hurt by the actions leading to the breakup ( Fun One left him) and is probably still in love and not trusting his emotions around Fun One. And I feel sorry for the Ex….he is a handsome, great and funny guy. I hate that he has not yet risen above the hurt and anger and is still stuck as if the breakup happened yesterday. I will give Fun One credit…he is willing to talk and give apologies and explanations….the Ex is not willing to listen. Fun One and I decided we would both explore alternative lifestyles and we are going on the hunt for girlfriends really soon.

I have risen above somewhat…not a lot but enough that I know I do not want it to be two years from now and I am not ready to let go of the grudge. I do know that while I may never love another with the depth and intensity with which I loved Him, I will love again. I know that I will not die without him…..it has been 5 months and I am still standing despite the blows and hurt he has flung my way. I have risen above enough  to say that he can put his pictures of her wherever he wants….if it is in his office where he knows I will hear about it, so be it….maybe I was not even a factor. He just wanted to see her face to give him a break from the work on his desk. I can tell you I do not care if he marries her, but I do….and not for the reason you may think. I am torn when it comes to his impending marriage…the part of me that has risen above, forgiven and still cares for the man he used to be wants to warn him and open his eyes so he does not get hurt. Despite what he has put me through, I do not want to see him suffer one minute of it. The other side of me wants him to marry her and for her to be just what I know she is and what others can see her to be (Artistic One says do not judge a book by its cover) and to take him for everything he has and leave him high, dry and paying for black babies we all know aren’t his. I want to be proven right…..and I have not risen above enough to not want the Rock Star YES moment or to get rid of the mindset that I will not be better until he is feeling worse.

It takes a lot to rise above, be the bigger person and do the right thing…to and by yourself and others, especially someone who has hurt us. To completely leave the hurt and anger behind and want only the best for a person who has betrayed your trust in the most horrible of ways….if not for the process and the Panel, I would have told you it could never happen. But it can…given enough time, honesty, self-forgiveness and objectivity. I am nowhere near where I want to be, but I am further along than I thought I would or could be and all  without resorting to deer piss, physical violence and an act of arson.  As Bailey told Christina Yang: “If we don’t rise above and do the right thing by that man, we are no better than he is.”

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The Right Bitch on the Wrong Day

Bitch. We all know it is a female dog and has long been thought of as a derogatory remark. Nowadays, “bitch” can be worn as a badge of honor. It denotes a strong, independent woman who keeps it real in all ways at all times. Not many people (men or women) can handle a bitch, and if you catch the right bitch on the wrong day, you could end up needing therapy or in serious need of medical attention. We can all be bitches (although when a man is a bitch, that is NEVER a good thing) and it is usually the same thing that sets off my inner bitch: total stupidity. I can deal with a lot of things, but total stupidity will push my buttons every time. Raise your hand if you agree with me.

Him has always set off my inner bitch….it has always been verbally although this fiasco had me ready to get physical with him. In fact, Him is encountering not one, but two of the right bitches on the wrong day. One is me…..apparently, it is not enough for him to hear me tell him that he is limp dicked (once we had a free for all where first he says he had no libido, then in the next breath he says that he gave up all that was wonderful and me because he felt I deserved better…so which one was it? You couldn’t get it up or you gave it up?); it is not enough for him to hear he is an emotionally stunted coward who is less than a man and re-defines the word bitch. No, he has to keep on hurting me and hurting me. I admit, I did let my inner bitch run rampant in the beginning, but I knew when it was time to stop….and I left him alone until the missive asking for closure. It has been suggested that I am holding onto him not saying goodbye or explaining as a way of holding onto to him. Untrue. Holding onto that only hurts me….I simply had yet to accept the fact that whatever he claims he has or what he claims he wants for me, the man is too much of a coward to give it to me. The way he left showed me that, but I was blinded by love and denial. I can see that now and I am working on not beating up on myself. It wasn’t me….it was him all along. Of course, I am not all better or ready for much of anything right now, but I am making progress.

His last missive in which he stated he was getting married had me pissed, hurt and totally in freefall. HOW could this be happening? It was too soon, it was not true…..but I accepted it for what it was. The end of the worst case scenarios and the death of hope….and I sent him a response that I felt clearly expressed how I felt and truly required no response. Morning Person said that the response was well crafted, logical and totally wasted on him; Artsy Craftsy said it was clear, honest and if he does not get it, there is no hope for him. Chef and Cuz begged me to tell them I did not send it; I asked them to please tell me why I didn’t. In any case, it has been a week since our last communication….I did do a vent email which I deleted as soon as I shared it with Oscar because there was no point in it. WE are done, and no matter how many overtures I make or the way I make them, I will never ever get the response I want. In fact, what I want is for none of this to ever have happened, but it did. Why add to the regrets and unanswered questions? Apparently he does not feel the same way….damn near a week later, he responds to my response at 7:30 in the evening saying he is trying to decide how to respond. WHAT? It takes you a week to send that? YOU are going to forewarn me that another cryptic communication designed to make my head hurt and cross my eyes is on its way?  Shit like this makes me believe in Cuz’s theory. I sprang into action fast.

The part of me that still loves him and refuses to believe that hope is truly dead called Morning Person and Bell Pepper….Morning Person is tired of this shit. She can deal with me still thinking and talking about him( barely) as she can see I have let go enough to let sleeping dogs lie. She sees I am trying to muddle through and do what I have to do to move on completely and meet someone else….and then he pops up with some bullshit to keep me in sight. I know I should just ignore his missives, but I think he got wise to that move as what he sends now, he KNOWS I will not ignore. Morning Person said to calm down and leave it alone, as did Bell Pepper. But then….my inner bitch came through just.like.that. The Right Bitch on the Wrong Day in me popped up and said, “Let me nip this in the bud. I will send a response telling him no need for a response. I will head him off at the pass.” Both said okay, and the bitch in me went to work. The response I sent is as convoluted as anything he has ever sent me. I told him there was no need to respond as he would say everything was perfect and no one knew what they were talking about. I told him I was offering him friendly advice and since he told me to do what I needed to be happy, I decided to give in to the caring side of me and I can still curse him out if he wanted that. I told him that nothing was necessary from him…no longer would it ever be enough and what good is it if I had to beat him over his head to get it? I told him that he was once my “someone”.  I hoped he was not caught up in the commute from hell, that he was staying warm and dry and to not over work himself. If you had read the response I sent him, this response would have you wondering what the hell I was talking about, and THAT is what I want. My initial response had me pretty much breaking things down in a way that unless English was not his first language, he would know exactly what I meant and where I was coming from….and not in a good way. I want him to be the one to scratch his head and wonder what the hell I am talking about; I want him to wonder where I am coming from and where am I going with this. I want him to have a taste of his own medicine and I have my Right Bitch on the Wrong Day giving it to him. Her previous attempts have stung and belittled him to be sure, but he still comes around and if you want different results, try a different tactic. Of course, this could all backfire in my face and he actually relates to this response and then I am back to cursing him out and calling him the names no one has ever thought of….but if that bridge comes, I will cross it.

The second Right Bitch on the Wrong Day him is about to encounter is of all people, Artsy Craftsy. The woman has been his staunchest supporter from Day 1. She is the one who can still find excuses for his behavior; she is the one who still believes we can get it right…..and he has shown her what I keep telling people. The man is the Master of Mixed Signals, he does not listen and with all he showed me and told me, for us to end up this way….no, I am not over this yet. So while I am sorry that Artsy Craftsy had to find out first hand, I am glad to not be alone and that it was her. Her character and honesty are unquestioned by anyone and she is the one who will give the most straightforward and objective re-telling of any story….and after hearing what happened, Morning Person is regretting the day ANYONE ever met this man.  

Artsy Craftsy is leaving the Island to take up residence on Island 2 beginning next week; she came in Monday to go over her current projects with Him and the Second in Command. She helped them determine who would best be suited to take the lead on them and was asked if she would continue to at least advise the new person in charge on her projects? When she had time to of course, and only until they got to know what all was involved and who the people they needed to talk to were. She said of course. She told them she would be keeping her compressed work week schedule (10 hours a day, 4 days a week) She reminded him that she was on vacation the rest of the week and would call once she was settled at her new digs. Him agreed with her schedule and suggestions and wished her luck.

When him sent out an email to the department informing folks of the change in personnel,  he stated Artsy Craftsy would be available on a constant basis to help out the Island, would still be the lead person on her existing projects and would be working for Island 2 8 hours a day, 4 days a week and would be working for the Island on Fridays, for 8 hours a day. When Artsy Craftsy confronted him on the errors in the email, the man looked her dead in her face and said he did not recall saying or agreeing to anything of that sort. Artsy Craftsy was flabbergasted but told herself she would deal with that once the move was over. BUT, he was not done with her……all this week, the man has been sending her WORK and actually expecting it to be done. Artsy Craftsy is OUTDONE….she is on VACATION for the love of God….yet, him is acting as if she is supposed to be in the office and looking for results from the work he is sending her.

Now, Artsy Craftsy is screaming fuck him and who cares what the FUCK is going on with him right now? Whatever it is, it has him losing his mind and he is bringing his personal life mindset into the professional realm and he totally disgusts her. She feels for me because no one actually knows what one goes through until they do so themselves and she sees why I am so confused and never know where I stand, but it also has her looking at me strangely. I am in love enough to put up with that shit on a constant basis and could possibly want this back? I have her planning an intervention. She wants to curse him out and shake the stupidity out of him, but for right now she does need her job….however, this could be the catalyst she needs to light the fire of a job search under her. She has not been happy at the Island for some time and moving to Island 2 will not be any better…they are stranger than the original Islanders and use “inside voices” but she has them actually listening to her and not hearing what they want to hear. She is washing her hands of the entire thing and says she will deal with what needs to be dealt with when it is time.

Morning Person has promised that we all are going to meet her Right Bitch on the Wrong day if we do not start acting like we have some sense…..Cuz is crazy, I am still in a defeatist mindset, and him….she will beat the man senseless with a baseball bat if ever she sees him. He is messing with people and maybe that will put an end to a lot of problems for a lot of folks. Remember Girlfriend’s guy who has the girlfriend he neglects to mention? He is all over her and she is torn as to what to do …she tried being nice…nothing. She is being the Right Bitch on the Wrong Day with him….and he is lapping it up. However, she has  a new toy who she calls Little Marine….she met him at a club, and while she had fun dancing and flirting, he wants more, and even though the boy is barely legal….she may want more too. While she makes her decision, she says being bitchy is fun.

Not quite the bitchy blog you were expecting probably (I got the drama in He Said/She Said) but it just goes to show you that total stupidity brings out the bitch in people, and when it comes to total stupidity….Him wrote the book.

Supa Sav-a-Ho Battes Denial, Delusion and a Harsh Reality

I know I haven’t blogged in a couple of days……I would apologize, but so much has gone down that is going to make for at least two interesting blogs, I think you won’t mind. One of the things that Him’s latest revelation coupled with KBugg’s impending arrival has done is turned the Panel into some sort of alternative reality version of Las Vegas. Bets are being placed on KBugg’s arrival; I call it Baby Bingo and I say she will arrive right on schedule. Bell Pepper says she will arrive a week late, Morning Person says she will come when she comes and Pregnant One and Chef says she should have been here yesterday. Pregnant One says she can’t breathe (she can yell, eat and talk and has yet to pass out, but she can’t breathe), sleep is elusive and no position is comfortable, be it sitting, standing or laying down. Quiet One, Bell Pepper, Chef, Cuz, Mini-Me and Buddy are all placing bets on whether or not him will actually get married and on when he will return. I have to say I am floored that after knowing the man’s intentions with the BTH, they could even come out the mouth with a bet on his return, but to quote Morning Person (and not on this particular relationship):that is the nature of the relationship. Queen Bee (she is a person who swoops in every once in awhile to drop advice and wisdom) says this is what we do; it is simply on a different playing field right now. Oscar, Artsy-Craftsy and Pregnant One will not bet on a full-fledged return but they say I will have my day with him.

Which is where the Supa Sav-a-Ho comes in …..Supa Sav-Ho is an urban superhero who searches the streets for women… fixer upper women. Drug addicts, prostitutes, single moms on welfare, women with low paying jobs….women with low self-esteem and rough circumstances who can be saved by the love of a good man. Side note: there is a female version of this superhero I shall call Super Sav-a- Bro. Supa Sav-a-Ho thinks that they are Robert Young: Daddy Knows Best. They can guide you, mold you and put you on the right track. Just be faithful, loyal and honest to him, and all your dreams can come true. And Supa-Sav-a-Ho will persevere against ALL odds….baby daddy drama, pimps, crack rocks….you name it, Supa Sav-a-Ho has a plan he thinks can fix it. We ALL know a Supa Sav-a-Ho/Bro and we have one here on the Panel. No, it isn’t me…first I call the person Supa Sav-a-Ho which denotes a male/female dynamic; second, I get too emotionally involved and end up in need of a Supa Sav-a-Ho myself. It is not Buddy, although he tends to pick those type of women. The difference is Buddy knows when he is defeated and will move on. Nope, our resident Supa Sav-a-Ho is Cuz, who felt the need to have a 2 hour conversation with me the other night to prepare me for him’s return. According to Cuz, he will return and I need to be ( and I quote): “prepared for the battle”. Like I am some sort of Thundercat or something.

Cuz MUST have been bored or not willing to deal with his issues (and I cannot blame him as he has some SERIOUSLY fucked up issues) because he called me wanting to talk about him and the email I received. Cuz proclaimed to have insight into the entire issue, and frankly, I do not know what else there is to say or offer. From what we know and our experience with him, him is fucked up and whatever we had it is evident he either could not handle it (and everyone, including Morning Person agree that while the feelings I felt were not equally shared, it was not a one-sided deal) or did not want it. Yes, it is my first time getting dumped…well, Married Man did leave for a month one time, but he made a re-entry into my life that I should have stopped right then and there….. and Cuz says once I get used to the change and stop beating up on myself, the next time ( gee, thanks) will be a piece of cake. But Cuz says this (the BTH, the emails, the marriage) is all a front…..the missive is too generic and impersonal for it to even be a version of closure. It is vague and everything is a pronoun….feelings for “someone”? That someone could be me and to Cuz, it is me. He never considered marriage until 5 months ago, soon after our reconciliation…so I could be the one who has him thinking marriage. (Pardon me while I LOL at that statement) Him is scared to death and is saying these hurtful things to push me away because in his mind, he is doing me a favor. BUT he leaves the missive vague and open ended so I can maneuver my way back in. See, according to Cuz, him has put forth what he feels is the necessary effort to return but I am no longer responding the way I used to way back when…..so if I want him, I have to make the move and this is my opportunity. It sounded very convoluted to me…..I know I give the man too much credit and too much power, but never would I give him this much brains to do such an ass-backwards plan. I can agree that him is confused and still has no idea of what he wants and maybe he does want a Plan “B” to fall back on….I can agree that the man has not and will not give me the closure I want, but I have to disagree that he is deliberately withholding it to keep me hanging on. Once upon a time, all he had to was say: “wait here” and I would have.(Cuz says I no longer will, so this is why he had to concoct this plan) Even though this has escalated into something no one saw coming, I just have to say that for him to have moved on (or given the illusion of having done so) and wanting to be free of this fiasco with me, he would have at least lied  just to shut me up and then continued on his merry way. And this is where Cuz says you KNOW the man hasn’t done a damn thing except wish for me to return: the man CAN lie….he has shown us that and any man ready to move on would have either said what I wanted to hear or told me to drop dead. They would not still be reading every missive I send and respond in such a manner. The hurtful, careless tone was sure to elicit a negative response from me and according to Cuz, him feels that anger and hurt are signs that I am still in love and care about him. Him craves hurt and abuse as he thinks pain and misery are happiness and the only way to get this treatment from me is to provoke me.

Maybe it was the fact I was half-asleep or that I am just looking for some way to close the door completely on all of this (and I have to say, when I think I can just get along without help from him, he does pop back up with the most cryptic of shit to keep it and us going), some ( not all)  of what Cuz said makes sense.. But then, Cuz went and did some shit that blew all his wonderful Supa-Sav-a-Ho ideas out the water…he lost his fucking mind. Mind you, I wonder if Cuz does/says these things to get attention; I have noticed that when I say things he does not like to hear or he feels that his issues/drama are not getting enough attention, he is either in Philly ( sure you are) or he goes crazy. This time, he is blaming it on getting drunk off of rum. In any case, he sends me an email ( first clue) AND then he messages me on a social site. He wants me to call him. Excuse me, but the time it took you to send two emails, you could have called me yourself. In any case, he WRITES to tell me he is in front of One Great Love’s House, and how DARE she shit all over him after he loved her so much and gave her his all. He  had a weapon and would blow her and her mama away and I have to know how he feels…don’t I remember telling everyone to go fuck themselves? Hmmm….I recall saying the next person to tell me to move on to go fuck themselves or risk getting their house burned down. I do not recall telling the entire world to go fuck themselves….I would say go to hell in a hand basket. So I call him…..and the phone goes straight to voice mail! WTF?? THEN he comes back emailing about how she is going to pay, he does not give a fuck about going to jail and he loves her soooooo much. I call again….again, straight to voice mail. Which tells me one thing: he has no laptop ( only desk tops) so he is at home concocting this story. He can’t be using the phone….even though it has text and email capability, it would actually have to be ON for him to send these emails. I tell him to go home and call me. I heard from him the next day….he called me at HOME at noon even though he knew I was at work and he has my work number. So you were never trying to reach me…you were having a pity party moment that just could not stay within you. You lost your mind , sought some attention and went all the way out in left field with it….Cuz actually said I told him he was not good enough for someone. ANYONE will tell you, that is a bold face lie. I never, ever say things like that….I have yet to say that to Him, and I have Him being the first person I would say something like that to.

I have no idea what the hell happened to our Supa Sav-a-Ho…..Sunday all that crap with One Great Love was behind him, he was with the Submissive Broken Phone Booth and was dispensing advice; two days later, this meltdown. Obviously, a process is in order….I told you guys before Cuz has not yielded to a process yet….he has been broken up with this woman since Him and I broke up the first time around…yet she still has him falling into states of denial and delusion and this is the reality: pity parties so intense, it has him resorting to attention getting tactics. Yet, when you call him out on these things, it is the liquor, it is all HER fault or the stoplight stayed red too long…..it is any and everything but him. His issues run from childhood, have multiplied and intensified  and have manifested themselves in a lot of different (and disturbing) ways….yet he wants to save others.  You cannot save anyone but yourself….and that is if you are lucky. Choosing a partner with worse issues than you does not make your issues any less or you any better….it just serves as a distraction from what is wrong with you. But the truth comes to light, and like life, it comes hard and fast. Fast enough to take down a superhero.

Of course, Cuz is not off the Panel…he is weirding out and we have to band together to offer advice and wisdom and help. Since he relates better to me than anyone else ( and no one will touch his issues with a ten foot pole), I will become big sister, therapist and Supa Sav-a Bro to help my friend….I will need to be at 100% , honest and objective, so  as soon as I get the Right Bitch on the Wrong Day out of my system and some wisdom from Morning Person, I will be ready. Stay tuned for the continuation of THIS drama….more is sure to come.

A Ray of Sunshine

I think I know why people kill themselves. I know this a really messed up way to start a blog post, but look at the title: it is going to have a happy ending, so bear with me. I do not think people kill themselves over the pain and hurt….just like physical pain, emotional pain can be managed. You can still function, work and even laugh even while your heart is breaking. Yes, you may require a “sick day” when it gets to be too unbearable, but you manage  to live with and work around  pain and hurt. I say people get tired and disillusioned. People get tired of putting forth 100% effort time after time after time only to get the same results; people get tired of going through the motions and waking only to know it will be the same old hamster wheel; people get tired of crying and praying and seeing no change in their situation. People get disillusioned and not the disillusionment  of finding out that new hand cream does not work: it is the disillusionment that makes the ceiling the floor, that puts the doors where the windows should be and the knowledge that everything you have been told and taught is more than a lie; it makes you question your very existence …..almost like being told your parents aren’t your parents or that the person come to save or rescue you is actually there to kill you. People get tired and disillusioned and all they want to do is sleep …..sleep and never have to awaken to return to their realities. Realities they feel they cannot change or do not have the patience to wait for outside forces and Higher Powers to shape and mold.

However, life is like a Ferris Wheel….your perspectives will change and you will have views from the top and the bottom…constantly. We are always in a state of change whether we realize it or not, and you do not live for the profound changes, good or bad. You live for the feel of the wind in your hair and the rays of sunshine that peek out from the most heavy of clouds. You enjoy the highs, and weather the lows. It is okay to give in to the pity and nap, but you want to always awaken from sleep, no matter how deep. You want to remember that things do not last always (and I have to say that goes for the good as well as the bad…we tend to overlook that)  and while sometimes change is out of your hands or control, you can work with what you are left with and make the most of it. In ugliness, beauty can be found; and in the deepest pain and sorrow, happiness also resides. Today, in spite of my emptiness and pain and hurt….I am going to find the rays of sunshine around me.

The brightest ray of sunshine belongs to KBugg…she is due in less than a week!! YAY! Everyone is excited except Pregnant One who is scared to death; the easy part is over and what will she do with an actual, live baby in her arms? My answer….the right things. There is NOTHING like a new baby to fill you with hope and joy. The newness of life can be lived all over again and life is filled with firsts: her first cry; her first smile; her first words; her first steps; the first day of school. The love a new baby brings to the world is something to behold and marvel. Their innocence and helplessness may be scary at first, but knowing you are the one responsible for  this beautiful, beautiful person in the world only fills you with pride and determination to do whatever is necessary that this baby has all it wants and needs to make it in this world. And when they achieve their goals and dreams and know you were the one behind them, supporting them and loving them? Unconditional love and an unbreakable bond….what is better than that?

Girlfriend would say the job of your dreams. In the midst of the shitstorm that is her personal life, she landed a weekend gig coaching a female high school lacrosse team. Girlfriend has a passion for the sport (she coaches, she plays) and she likes teenage children. Babies poop themselves so that makes them unsanitary and toddlers turn your brain to mush with talk of Elmo and Barney; teenagers talk about boys, classes and shopping…all subjects Girlfriend can relate to and advise them on. Molding these young ladies into athletes and instilling in them senses of sportsmanship and leadership; teaching them the importance of values such as trust, honesty and respect on and off the field….it feels her with a sense of pride and when she talks about “her girls”….her smile is as bright and wide as the sun itself.

Buddy has a ray of sunshine in his life….he not only has a job, he will be returning to school to brush up on his skills so he can land a job in his chosen career field. The entire world is in a state of constant change and what he knew 2 years ago may really not be relevant today in his chosen field. He has secured the funding to be back at the top of his game and in the meantime, he is delivering pizzas full-time. I do not care what you do for a living….if it is legal, keeps a roof over your head, pays the bills and keeps your belly full and clothes clean…do it. Apparently he feels the same way.

When I asked Morning Person what her ray of sunshine was, she had no idea. She said that would take time to think about and it is her day off…from everything. So I will answer for our mama….right now, we have a Panel member about to give birth which means she has to dig through her motherly advice and wisdom book; I am stuck in a mindset from eons ago, am pretty much in Crazy Bitch/Last Word mode and am ready to jump off the deep end because I feel Him did also; Oscar and Cuz are being TOO quiet, which means something is about to pop off in their respective corners; Busy Bee is in need of love and support right now and to top everything off, Morning Person still has her OWN shit to deal with. So I am going to say her ray of sunshine is in knowing eventually all of the drama and hubaloo will die down and the wrongs will right themselves as long as none of us stir the pot…just let it simmer, boil and whatever else it needs to do. I have her crafting a sign: STAY OUT OF THE KITCHEN!

Oscar is also dealing with no closure and while she has seen Him, Jr….that did nothing to help with her process. He still looks the same and they fell right back into their easy pattern. As she put it: “We laughed remembering the good times and how good it felt to be around each other; then we stated arguing when reality set in”. The unanswered questions, the whys and what fors…they are back and stronger than before. Morning Person says to accept (I really wonder does she know any other words other than “no” and “acceptance”) the fact that those questions will never be answered. When people do fucked up things, even they don’t know why. Just pray for them and yourself and keep it moving. But Oscar does have a ray of sunshine:  she is about to start school, put her son in daycare and she is going on more auditions. She is working on her goals and dreams, and that is a definite ray of sunshine.

Guardian Princess has lost 80 pounds!! WOO-HOO!! That is a ray of sunshine all the way around: she is healthier and happier, she will be soon be treating herself to a trip to Puerto Rico as a reward for sticking with her goals, AND I get her hand-me-downs. YAY, us!

My ray of sunshine…..I am going to say that while this fiasco has moved too fast for me, all of my worst case scenarios are off the table. I survived every blow and while I may not have started out handling this situation in the best and most mature manner possible, I at least ended up handling my end of it with some semblance of common sense and maturity. He has nothing new to hit me with and the pain and hurt I still feel is old and in the process of healing.  He was the one I thought was the one and my heart can no longer break over Him and that is a ray of sunshine…to me, anyway.  It sucks that what was once filled with promise and good things (Morning Person is shaking her head…I know it!) ended the way it did (I think they can see the flames from this particular train wreck in Baltimore) and that I have no distractions to ease the discomforts I feel….but I think every Panel member will agree: at this stage I need no distractions and I need to feel the change taking place. I do have a job to go to, an understanding supervisor and co-workers who think I am the best thing ever, a GREAT group of friends and I am so grateful that this fiasco did not take away my humor, sense of compassion or my belief in love…I AM changed but not in a bad way.

So for those of you reading who are going through something that has you hurting, tired and/or disillusioned…heartbreak, loss of a loved one, unemployed, no money….whatever it is…..do not give in to the temptation to just sleep. Giving in to the temptation means you miss the opportunities, and trust and believe, opportunities abound. You can nap as rest is important to healing, but don’t nap too long. You can cry as it is cleansing and you can question things but not for too long. You cannot do the things that slow growth for too long because the early bird gets the worm, and you want to at least be there when the opportunities come your way.

An opportunity to help with the closure I need came my way today….in the form of Cuz. He called to see how I was doing and then he asked the question that he said had been on his mind forever and I am sure others wonder also. He said I should be over this fool by now….a woman as wonderful as me with all I offer pining over HIM? It was more than the love….and what about his leaving riled my issues up so badly? And  I told him the truth: I have never been dumped before. Yes, I have had the affair that never was with Tike, but with a man I was in a relationship and in love with? Never….and in fact no one got dumped. Things had run their course and everyone was tired of pretending. With Him, we had just reconciled, I was doing everything right, he was saying all the right things…we were happy. And then this happened, and it is not supposed to go wrong when everything is right. For Cuz at least, this put a lot of things in a different light, especially coupled with the fact we already know I am the first woman Him has left. Cuz laughed so hard at what he called “two virgins”.  Cuz told me that his leaving is in no way a reflection on me….men do stupid, fucked up shit all the time, especially when it comes to love and sex. Usually not when they are over half a hundred though,  and that some men (small percentage) will man up and do the right thing, but the majority don’t. They know they are fucking up but would rather deal with fallout than with consequences. He says I do not need him to tell me anything…that is what the Panel is there for. This fiasco shows Cuz that him is emotionally immature and my revelation just shows I am only now experiencing something that should have happened way earlier in life; it also clears up the mystery behind the plummeting levels of self everything. It seems complicated and confusing because things WERE great and I was not ready to stop loving him and despite my angry words, I have not and it is okay.  I feel a need for closure from him because it was not supposed to be this way and I feel I need it from him since he was the one who thrust me into this crap. It is in no way my fault and that even being dumped for the first time does not have to be this painful; that is what happens when fucked up meets unhealthy and to stop beating up on me. Everyone knows (including Him) that he fucked up and downgraded in the process….and given his tendency towards delusion and lies, who knows what is really going on over there? Cuz is not telling me to move on, stop loving him or not care…..that will fade and properly adjust itself with the passage of time. Just continue to be open to suggestions and the process ( he feels in light of this new information, the process will be longer than originally thought….I am SO excited) and remember it is NOT me.

What if I had given in to the sleep? What if I had gotten impatient and tired? I would have missed my opportunity to unearth another piece of the puzzle and the messenger was someone I would never have expected. Morning Person is the one who asks the questions and gives the insight that offers clarity. So remember, no matter what your issue is, help is out there….just be alert for the opportunities and do what you can to change and control your reality. If it is heartbreak….remember how happy the wrong one made you at one time? Imagine how happy the right one will make you. Loss of a loved one? No one is here to stay and just remember the ray of sunshine they were to you. As long as the memories live, no one ever dies. Unemployed? Enjoy that check and keep plugging away…sign up with every temp agency in town and put your resume on every job board…except Monster. They suck. Seriously. No money/not enough money? TELL PEOPLE. Tell your church, your family, your neighbors…..we all have had to depend on the kindness of strangers and you never know who is willing to help until you ask. Go to food banks, clothing banks and sign up for every benefit you can think of that the state/county offers. God helps those that help themselves.

Well, hopefully I helped someone today other than myself. I am going to have to re-read this and Like a Fat Kid Eats Cake lots of times….I need to heed my own advice and no time like the present. Not sure what I will talk about next time..depends on what the day brings me, but I am learning towards a little He Said/She Said as I have to be in just the right mindset to introduce you the Right Bitch on the Wrong Day.

Did You Know?

After trips down memory lane and the emotions and drama of earlier this weekend, it is time to lighten up people. Morning Person says she does not care what I blog about as long as it is not Him,  and I personally have had my fill of Him. I am simply doing my best to keep him in the background  while I process (apparently he was only the catalyst to start it off as he cannot help me with it) and concentrate more on me, and today me feels like having fun! Not fun spelled f-u-c-k, but light hearted stuff. I thought I would tell you guys some fun facts about the Circle of Friends…without Them, You,  and even Him there would be no blog. And I am sure you guys are on the edge of your seats waiting to hear all about this  trivia….maybe not, but I promise to make it as fun as possible.

The current circle of friends is comprised of 5 Independent Consultants: Artistic One, Busy Bee, Mini-Me, Guardian Princess and Policeman. There are 11 Panel member: Morning Person, Oscar, Artsy-Craftsy, Pregnant One, Cuz, Quiet One, Girlfriend, Chef, Buddy, Bell Pepper and myself. Morning Person  and Busy Bee are the friends I have known the longest; there was a time they were the Circle of Friends. Bell Pepper is our newest member and Oscar is our youngest member age wise. I blogged this before, but our age range is 22-60. We are comprised of 4 men and 12 women; we have one Asian, one Hispanic, five Caucasians and the rest of us are African-American ( although I prefer the term ‘black”). I met all but 6 through work or a work assignment and 3 of those 6 I met via an online social site.

Four of  us are married; five of us are in committed relationships/attached and the rest of us are single. Collectively (and I am including KBugg in the count), we have 15 children between us and Policeman has the most with 4. Nine of us are home owners, three of us have parents at home and the rest of us are renters of apartments/condos. Bell Pepper has the largest home and I have the smallest. All of us except three have some form of higher education be it a college degree or vocational training. Our occupations vary: we have 3 legal assistants (I prefer the term Judicial Administrative Assistant), a policeman ( duh!), 2 IT professionals (one with a background in long distance trucking…strange, I know), 3 engineers (one with a background in architecture and one with 20 years of drafting experience), a surveyor, an office manager,  a nurse, a project coordinator, an accounting specialist (payroll and accounts payable) and a program assistant.

Birthdays: Cuz’s birthday is in January; Bell Pepper, Girlfriend, and Policeman all have birthdays in March… Bell Pepper and Girlfriend have birthdays 2 weeks apart; Oscar, Pregnant One, Artsy Craftsy and Buddy all have birthdays in May…Pregnant One and Artsy share the exact the same birthday (and they share it with my brother) and  Buddy’s is two days later. Morning Person is a June baby and her birthday is my recovery anniversary date; Guardian Princess was born in July: I represent August; Quiet One has a birthday in October; Mini-Me and Busy Bee are November babies and Artistic One is our representative for the month of December.

Logistically, we are all pretty much concentrated in the same metropolitan area with 5 notable exceptions:  Buddy lives the furthest away ( 328 miles); Artistic One  is in second place at  244 miles; Oscar is 140 miles away; Pregnant One is 51 miles away and Artsy Craftsy is 33 miles away. Bell Pepper and Policeman are less than10 minutes away from each other as are Cuz and Busy Bee. Guardian Princess lives the closest to me…I can look out my back door into her window and Mini-Me and Morning Person are also pretty close to me….15 minutes for both but in different directions. Quiet One and Chef are maybe 20 miles apart from each other and no one lives in Girlfriend’s neighborhood.

We have 5 smokers (of cigarettes!) on the Panel, and all of us are pretty good cooks…..Policeman does not cook a damned thing though. Oscar CAN cook, but does not do it very often and I have had some of Girlfriend’s baking…tasty, tasty. Hands down, Guardian Princess is the best baker AND the hostess with the mostest. Cuz throws down with some jerk chicken, Morning Person does a great meatloaf and Bell Pepper can make spaghetti for me any day. Cuz and I are the biggest music lovers and Artistic One has a passion and talent for photography. Morning Person, Chef, Guardian Princess and Artsy Craftsy are the best listeners and Girlfriend is our party girl. Bell Pepper is the least judgmental and Oscar are I are the most impatient and impulsive ones. Cuz and Buddy are natural comedians ( Bell Pepper wants to add me to the list, but I don’t see it) and Policeman has the most drama (surprise!).

Artsy Craftsy and Pregnant One are BFFs ( Artsy Craftsy brought Pregnant One on board) and I am close to all in my circle….I am hard pressed to choose a single BFF because they all bring and add something to my life that I simply could not do without: Morning Person brings a new way of looking at things; Quiet One gives damned good advice; Bell Pepper brings a sweetness and gentleness that is very welcome and refreshing; Cuz and Buddy bring the streets and humor; Chef brings the male perspective and confidence boosters; Oscar….she is my platonic soulmate; Guardian Princess brings a generosity unmatched by anyone; Artsy Craftsy is my big sister; Pregnant One is blunt without being hurtful; Busy Bee is a motivator; Mini-Me teaches me about forgiving and forgetting;  Artistic One brings me the gift of learning….everything is a lesson, the good and the bad; Girlfriend is my support and my shoulder and Policeman….he shows me that every day, we are all just doing the best we can, regardless of how fucked up our actions are….that is just the best that person could do that day. They all show me a love, support, acceptance and understanding that is rare to find in one person, let alone 14.

So this is my Circle of Friends…..I love them, they love me and together we can do anything given enough time, money and no witnesses. I will be back (hopefully tomorrow) with another blog….I think it is time for us all to have A Ray of Sunshine…..we deserve it.

 

Two Peas in a Pod

I KNOW this is not the fun facts blog post….I am still working on that. We have had a communication ( he responded to my plea for closure) which has resulted in drama, arguments amongst Panel members and the realization of what was once the final worst case scenario. Friday was a messy, messy day and not only did it happen to me, Girlfriend is going through damned near the same thing. So, before I can go any further with the process or the blogging….it is time to clean this mess up  and clear the air before it becomes too much to handle….fair warning: this could be a long post so you may want to grab snacks.

Him sent me an email at 8am…..mind you, in my wonderful, open and honest missive I told him I was stuck in my process. I am beyond the sex and the relationship; I wanted to meet new men, explore with new men and to be able to partake in all this happiness he says he wants for me. Cuz said THAT was the first mistake, while Morning Person says that it is the latest in a long line of mistakes….the first being the two if us getting together in the first place. His response was long (for him)….Cuz and Quiet One do not even think he wrote it. Artsy Craftsy and Pregnant One says they can tell he wrote it….it is vague, all over the place and STILL did not address the direct question and request to not be hurtful. The man apologized for obviously hurting me as it was not his intent (and I will say that for it never to be his intent, he does it quite well and quite often); he wants me to not let this bring me down for my sake as well as his ( you cannot answer my question, but want me to do you a favor?); he does have feelings for someone ( this statement sent up a red flag to pretty much all Panel members save Morning Person….she says the man has always been vague in his communications…do not expect specifics now)  but there was an almost instantaneous attraction between him and “this woman” (that statement caught Cuz’s attention….it was either instantaneous or it wasn’t….there is no almost) and he is planning on getting married as soon as possible….something he never considered until 5 months ago. Oh, and again he is happier than he has ever been, despite what I may have heard (so you know you look like shit)….not in his entire life as he stated before, but happier than he has been in a long time. He does not want me to let the anger destroy me, so do what I have to do to be happy…please. Great! Let me grab a hammer, some gasoline, a baseball bat and a flatbed to haul away your hot tub.

I say the man is hateful and hurtful…..hateful, hateful, hateful. WHY keep throwing in my face how happy you are when I made it clear how unhappy I was? Why not try to help me with my closure and moving on instead of telling me about your impending nuptials? And Morning Person and I had an argument over that….Morning Person is taking the man at face value. She believes him and wishes I would also. I told her this was my process and I would do it my way and she could leave if she wanted. Then I hung up on her. Because  I don’t believe him….his actions and treatment this time around have turned me into the State of Missouri: Show me. I do not believe a word that comes out of his mouth: I reject his apology because one, I did not ask for an apology. I asked him to answer a question. Two, in my eyes, it came across as cavalier and insincere…you cannot tell me what you are apologizing for which tells me you do not even know why I am hurting…..and being objective, that is all I need to know to understand why he cannot or will not give me closure. Even though he knows that he has done wrong (once all this went down, he could not even face me) he has no idea what he did wrong and why I seem to be so angry with him. He says he has the guts and balls to face me, but I doubt that. He stood a better chance when I was still numb with shock and all I wanted was my panties and porn…and he was afraid to take a chance then.

I am not going to lie….the news he was getting married had me in tears for almost an hour and had my emotions ripped raw. It did not give me closure  (I will concede to Morning Person and say this is what he thought would give me what I needed); all it makes me want to do is make me burn his house down. It makes me call him Mike Brady ( two households, 5 kids and now a  soon-to-be-wife….the new age version of The Brady Bunch). He says he knows I am a wonderful woman with oodles of great qualities…..he knows this, yet he could leave me behind without a goodbye or a backwards glance. Truly, this is my first experience with being the dumpee, he cannot/will not assist in my quest for validation AND he tells me he is getting married…I am fucked up times two right about now and it all adds up ( in my mind) to it being me. I am stuck now wondering what it is with ME ….and I am seeking validation from him that it isn’t me. The Panel is wonderful with that, and with the arrival of this email from him….they tell me ( and told me even when things were good) that it IS him: he is not worth it, he is fucked up and mentally defective and Oscar says the man just does not get me and that whatever he felt with me, he is not used to that being associated with love and happiness, and if he is that fucked up, I dodged the world’s biggest bullet. .Morning Person says that some people should never get together. We are two of them. Artsy Craftsy says that definitely we are in two different books at this point, and we are on different paths to learn our lessons, but she still says that if we are meant to be, our paths will cross again and we will be. Pregnant One just says…OH.MY.GOD. The rest of the Panel (including Bell Pepper who is still trying to determine if I am telling her the truth about his position on the Island as she says a middle schooler can be more honest and direct and probably has better writing skills) believe that the communication is filled with half truths, delusion and is designed to keep me hurting and hanging on. Girlfriend says anyone that damned happy has no need to tell me every single time and if he IS happy, he is living in Upside Down Land as appearance, demeanor and attitude says a lot…..Bell Pepper agrees with her.

I don’t care. I do not want him back in my life in any capacity, period. At this point, civility is a stretch. I have already said what I have to say on the whole thing: I asked you tell me why you felt the need to basically abandon me, break every promise and lie to me on top of it….it is not about the woman. It is about how you treated me and our friendship/relationship and he cannot answer that. Now I have to turn my thought processes around because I really do think it is me…..and perhaps that is because I still hold a skewered perspective of him, giving him too much credit and myself not enough. Now I have to work on my self-esteem, self-respect and self-worth. I thought I had let the anger go, but it was front and center once I read his response….maybe it is tied to pain and hurt? OR could it be my control issues acting up? Morning Person says I am still holding an expectation that he will give me what I say I need from him, but I cannot expect anything from him….not one damned thing. He cannot give it to me….as incomprehensible as that is to me…he just cannot do that. Hell, in his mind, nothing is broken and I am going through Crazy Female Syndrome. IF he can give it, he won’t know how and will be too scared of consequences if he did.

Girlfriend…..remember her guy who she had her intimate friendship with? The one who said she was so beautiful, wonderful and amazing? The one who left her for barely legal trailer trash? ( I know I sound like a jealous, bitter bitch bashing the people Panel members get left for, but truly: my Panel is filled with beautiful, handsome, caring and amazingly awesome people who offer the world to those they love, so definitely no one else measures up) Well, dude is not only engaged ( is there something in the air or the water?), his chick is pregnant (he is another who did not want kids) AND he commented on her FB page, wanting to know where his congratulations were. Morning Person says he has balls big as church bells. Girlfriend was floored and I will say this: she is a better person than me. She gave him her best wishes….I would have told him to suck my dick, and put his face to my ass while I farted to find his fucking congratulations. This was followed shortly by another guy from her past ( I am going to call him Ricky Ricardo) who she was still friendly with…..he had fallen off the face of the earth for a couple of months following an argument with Girlfriend that HE started; he called her wanting to know why she had deleted him out of her life? Girlfriend had a breakdown randomly driving one day this week: like me, she is wondering what it is with her that guys leave and always can make the commitment to what they claim not to want and not to her? Why is it when shit goes south, it is always her fault and never theirs? She has a guy now who is texting her at all hours of the night, calling her “his lady”, yet he has a girlfriend he neglected to tell her about….she found out via Facebook. She is done, too through and has no hope for love….ever. Yet, she wants to play the game with this new guy….she wants to see how far he will try to take it, how many lies he will tell and how many free drinks she can get from the deal.

I told her to play the game….nothing wrong with having fun and Lord knows, you gotta get your kicks when and where you can find them. You are forewarned and forearmed…just do not get caught up. Seriously, THIS weekend, I would put everything aside for a distraction….I am not particularly craving sex, but today, would not turn it down. I would use and be used and happy to do so….except Mother Nature is visiting so there goes that plan. Girlfriend and I (right now, I call us peas in a pod; she says we are leading parallel lives) were thinking of holding pity parties this weekend, but Morning Person is dead set against that one (I thought feeling was healing? And if nothing else at a pity party, you feel things), Quiet One says NO crying…..for anyone. Chef says the guys we know are assholes and we all know what an asshole is full of, so if we want to shed tears over turds, go ahead. However, the pity party is cancelled…..after my breakdown over the email yesterday and venting our pain, hurt and frustration to each other…..there is nothing left to pity, which is a good thing. She has a coaching job on weekends which occupies her time, and it is time for me to guide the process back onto me and work on the issues. I have grudgingly accepted the fact I have to give myself closure  and I am not the only Panel member to do so…I am just the most impatient.  Girlfriend has been through a 3 year process because she had to give herself closure (and had a few disastrous flings along the way), and when dude came back at the end of her process to tell her why he left the way he did…..she just looked at him and walked away. Morning Person has been through one that took almost 5 years, and Artsy Craftsy had to go through it also….she was Crazy Psycho Stalker Bitch for a while, and vented hatred and venom on any man who was foolish enough to enter her world at the time. So I have the guidance I need to lead me, I am open to suggestions and am ready to heal and move on to my Next Big Thing.

Bell Pepper offered to come over  or take me to her house this weekend to keep me company and hold my hand (she says we can sit Indian style on the floor and just be quiet) but it is cold and it is a stay in bed day….24 hours ago all I wanted was to hide under the covers and cry, but today….there is laundry to fold, naps to take and a fun facts blog to finish. What a difference 24 hours, a date night, therapy sessions and true friendship can make.

Pardon the Interruption

I know I haven’t blogged in a couple of days…..I have been wrestling with things. As you may have noticed, I have not blogged about him in awhile; there is a reason for that. In addition to keeping the negativity out of this new year, I am trying to keep him in the background. Kind of out of sight, out of mind….the less “real” he is, the less real he becomes. However, it does not work that way….he invades my dreams at night: we have been younger and total strangers in one; he dated my mother in another. He and his daughters lived in my grandmother’s house and they  had me over for dinner and most recently, we had hot, sweaty sex on his desk. He invades my thoughts during the day and I am either filled with love and warmth at the thought of him and of us, and other times the hurt hits me in waves so harsh and sudden, I break down without realizing it or I cannot breathe right because my heart has constricted oh, so tightly.

I have not really spoken of him to the Panel and they are relieved. Morning Person is glad of the break, Pregnant One does not even know I have not mentioned him….her brain is fried within two hours of waking. Quiet One thinks I am moving on more than anyone knows and Girlfriend thinks I am being strong. After all, we have had another communication which I have ignored. It was not written….he brought more pictures to the office and the one everyone noticed is of them together. They are in a restaurant, surrounded by people, separated by a table and there are wineglasses on the table. I am not sure what I am supposed to say: I told him 3 months ago if he wanted to impress me to take a picture together and display it; he is supposedly “staying” with this woman who has 3 kids, and the best you can do is to take a picture together in a restaurant? Okay. Besides, the woman is fat ….and I am not one to call people fat; how can I? Pot, meet Kettle….but from those who have seen it, she makes me look like a Skinny Minnie. Also, she is older than even we know: bags and dark circles under her eyes, saggy cheekbones and wrinkles. A far cry from the pictures of 25 years and a good 150 pounds ago which she hands out like candy. Well, that makes two things they have in common: denial and delusion.

I wanted to see the pictures…I wanted to see him. I wanted to see for myself all this happiness and greatness. I am wanting closure and it was agreed  amongst the Panel that if I could remain honest with all involved and objective, I just may be able to get it. Monday was a holiday for me, but a work day for the Island. Artsy Craftsy and Chef agreed to a lunch date and Pregnant One said she would waddle on up there for one last pre-Mommy get together. Quiet One was sick but she came down to see folks….and I did not see him or the pictures. He was in a meeting and while I felt justified in going in to see the pictures ( he was nowhere around and for real, WHAT would he have done if he had caught me in there?), Pregnant One and Chef were against the idea. It would not be respecting his space and for real, I did not want to see pictures of HER….I needed to see HIM, face to face. Artsy Craftsy said it was fine by her ( she works in the department and she is in charge when the head honchos are out) but she concurred about me really not wanting to see the pictures….it was maybe 3 of her, 1of him, 2 of his daughters and the one together….and the BTH is a different woman in each one; his looked like him and no one really cares about the daughters. I needed to see him the way only I would or could….but I was so not waiting around for the meeting to be over….the Island not only invented meetings, they are constantly looking for ways to improve the longevity of them. I was not even disappointed even though I looked fantastic….apparently Higher Powers, Universe and Karma know what they are doing and you can’t fight City Hall. Anyways, he was sick….again. Jesus, he has been sick ever since getting with this chick….he will keep on and wake up dead one day.

In any case, these invasions, or interruptions to my life, had me break down the other day and it was a bad one. It came out of nowhere and while it did not last long, it was intense. Incredibly…..and when it was over, I knew all I wanted was closure. No sense holding out for hope….even if he got it right, the damage has been done and on my end, I really cannot forget, trust or respect him any longer. I want to be able to forgive him fully and put him totally and completely behind me before he really does turn what we had and my feelings towards him into a lie and a farce…..so I decided to interrupt his day. No, I did not send the ugly email….I wrote a brand new missive that even Morning Person was proud of, although I have to wear tank top to show that there is nothing up my sleeve. Artsy Craftsy said it was honest and open, Pregnant One thought it was perfect, Oscar said if he did not respond to that, she would hit the ground with her hat and Quiet One did not find it negative but feels him might as he is still in defensive mode. I asked for closure….I told him I had moved on some, but wanted more. I want this happiness he says he has and he wishes for me. I am emotionally destroyed and only half heartedly playing the game of Life. I need my levels replenished and if  I could shed some insight on WHY he treated me the way he did, why he used his knowledge of my issues, weaknesses and vulnerabilities to exploit to his advantage, that would go a long way to helping me fully embrace someone new and explore new paths. I would no longer hate nor blame myself or him and all that is all I wanted. No reconciliation, no declarations of love….just an honest, from the heart, straightforward plea.

Of course, no response. Morning Person was not expecting one, Artsy Craftsy said to give it a couple of days but Chef and Quiet One may have hit the mark….he won’t say goodbye or give me what I need for a proper one because to him, it is not goodbye. Never was, never has been. Chef thinks I have the closure I need to move on, but he is a guy who has no closure himself. He lives in a house surrounded by a dead woman’s clothes, books and pictures. He is painting the house in colors his fiancée liked, no woman can ever cross his doorsill and he does not want another relationship ever….he is content with memories and porn. Yet, because he gets up every morning and goes to work and does not cry as often, he thinks he has closure. I KNOW I don’t…..and I do know I want to be as close to 100% before putting myself out there. I want someone in my life….I want to smile and laugh and be naked with someone. I want to love again….not just be okay. I know I have moved on past him somewhat and I know the process is still working but it is not complete. My self-esteem is still low, my self-worth is in the negative and on the inside I feel ugly and unloved. That is no way for anyone to be or live…..I want to be the me I was before all this happened.

I have no idea why he won’t give me a proper good-bye and it doesn’t even have to be face to face….just something comprehensible that I can use. Seriously, I would take “I don’t have an excuse” as an excuse. WHY he would want me lurking in the shadows cursing him out and belittling him whenever I damn well please is beyond my spectrum of reasonable thought. For real, I have no problem being the Crazy Bitch….I have done it before and can still live comfortably with myself; but I don’t want to go that route. I want to move on as healthily as possible….and if he is so happy and wants the same for me, please help me.

Well, I know this is not the Panel fun facts I promised you….please pardon the interruption. I have actually started writing it, but again, there was an invasion into my thoughts so this is what we have today. I have a date night with Girlfriend( her thoughts and dreams have been interrupted lately also) and will finish the fun facts blog afterwards. We still have to meet the Right Bitch on the Wrong Day , enjoy a Ray of Sunshine and maybe a little He Said/She Said. Stay warm, and a new blog post will be coming soon!