What’s A Girl To Do??

I have been reading online personals. Even though I am not ready, I am bored. Laying in bed, resting and willing this pain to go away gets old and  while I can sit up for brief periods at the computer,  there are only so many Facebook apps I am subscribing to and once I read the horoscopes in the morning, there aren’t any more until the next day. Emailing is fun, but that requires a give and take and most people are working, so my inane chatter is not quite that high on their priority list. I could sit here and think of him, what he’s doing, does he miss me….but that is an exercise in futility. At this point, if he does miss me and regret the situation, what can/will either of us do about it? He is scared and fucked up, I am stubborn and fucked up and neither of us is healed. Best to leave him where he is….so I read online personals and I wonder, really wonder……is THIS what is out there when I am ready to venture back out?

Men are strange creatures…..everything is ruled by their dick. I am surprised when God made man he just did not put his brains in their as well. Married men gall me the most. They will state that their marriage is perfect, their wives are wonderful and their children are future Noble Prize winners, but there is a “spark” missing and they want YOU to be the one to return it to them. They cannot host, but want you to or go dutch on a hotel room. Oh, you can be single or married, just be fit, fun, passionate and sensuous. They want you to be educated (or semi-intelligent), discreet and engage them in deep moving conversations during your daytime trysts on his lunch hour but you cannot get attached as they are not looking to disrupt their life or yours…..in fact, it may be better if you were married also so you will have as much to lose as they will.  Oh, they will be worth it as they are attractive, tall and fit…..very oral and believes in your pleasure first. I am so sorry, but I do not have me jumping through anymore  hoops for a married loser who cannot face the role he plays in a waning sex life within his marriage and can only indulge you on his time and terms. Trust me, it is NEVER worth it.

I had an on again, off again with a guy like that. He WAS tall, and while he was kind of average looking, he had eyes like the Baldwin Brothers which saved him from a face of mere mediocrity. He was married with 2 kids and had a high-pressure and demanding job…..he also lived further out than the nearest cow farm. In any case, he found me sexy, alluring and refreshing. I was his first black chick and his first big girl and our emails were filled with naughty thoughts and ideas….our phone conversations were filled with laughter and promises. However, in order for us to meet I would have to take time off as he was scared to meet me at the Island and have some car action…..why, I have no idea. It was closer to where he lived and worked and  I was the one who worked there;  I was the one parked on the same level as my boss and even though the risk factor was minimal, I was the one taking all of them. I was monogamous with this guy (in the beginning, when we thought we could actually have something) but it was too much hassle. Either his job had some last minute project so I was all dolled up and no one to do or his kids got sick and the few times he actually made it over…..after a kiss and a couple of tugs on his love gun…..it was over. He would be red-faced and embarrassed and I was looking like WTF?? A month I waited for him to explode in his pants over a little tongue and hand action?? He always had to rush right back out and here was the kicker…he was allergic to smoke and I could not smoke for a good three hours before his arrival. Seriously?? I am abstaining from what is my lifeline AND missing money for what amounts to a 5 minute handjob once a month?? We broke it off because it was not working for me and we remained friends until he got angry at me dating Him…..why I will never know as by that time he had moved on to explore his bi-curious side and had guys giving him blowjobs.

The single guys who place ads are just as stupid…..they are looking to meet RIGHT NOW if THEY ascertain there is a connection once they see your picture. First, let me say this: chemistry is the one thing a couple either has or they don’t. You cannot build on chemistry. Attraction, however is just what you find pleasing and attraction and chemistry are two separate things. So these guys want you to fuck them RIGHT NOW if your picture gets their dick hard. Never mind the fact that they have yet to send their picture or that attraction has to be a two way street….they always say you will not be disappointed. Some of the guys are arrogant….they do not need online services to get a woman, and any woman they deign to be with should want to fall on their knees and worship them and their cock ASAP.  Even though they are single, they almost ask YOU to host and one guy has been posting the same ad for 3 years….he lives with his now ex-girlfriend as they are tied by a lease. Dude, after three years….how long is that freakin’ lease?? Most single guys are not looking to date….they just want to get their dick wet and a few of them will even ask to start out with sex first and see if that will lead to something more. The few who DO wish to date and explore an LTR ( long term relationship) in the proper manner come across as clingy, needy and creepy. They present you with their laundry lists of what they like and don’t like, what they will and will not do and as for you?? Anyone remember the dating application?? Multiply that by two as for their laundry list for you. They all ask for you to send a picture first (most will say no pic, no response and that is fine by me) and all want you to change the subject line to filter out “spam”. I would have no problem sending a picture if I saw what you looked like….I am not putting myself out there to be rejected by a faceless stranger who for all I know looks like an albino Uncle Fester complete with a hunchback. I can understand the frustration of responding to find out the person is an advertiser but seriously….your ad reads: Looking for a Nice Girl ( and all you really want is someone to travel cross-town to blow and go) and I have to change the subject to: Mary Poppins is a Purple People Eater but Only in the Month of July? No thanks. I am finding out that this city is filled with insecure, issue laden, shallow men who are emotionally still in high school…and really, if all you want is a random hook-up here and there…there are women you can pay for that.

The Fetish Seekers…..I love them (not), especially the so-called “submissives”. The submissives want you to take them and use them how you see fit and for your pleasure, yet somehow your pleasure involves you sucking and fucking them. Hmmmm….not this chick. I would use you to pay a couple of bills,  give me a full body massage, maybe some breast worship and then you can go. Some of the submissives are pain sluts and they are my favorites…..they pay you to kick their ass. I had a guy who was into poppers and wanted me to beat his balls…..the last time he was over here, I beat his balls until they were swollen and bleeding and he was screaming so loudly, my across the hall neighbor called me to ask was I killing the man. Once, when him and I were arguing, I answered a submissive’s ad and beat him so badly with my belt, he ran out of here crying and clutching his clothes to his body. I freely admit to having a cruel and abusive streak in me, and the pain sluts allow me to release that in a somewhat healthy and productive manner. I have only had one guy with a foot fetish as my feet at best are presentable, not pretty. This guy was a psychiatrist (yes, a psychiatrist) and preferred I did nothing to my feet as he liked to lay down in complete darkness and eat the dead skin buildup on my heels. Seriously,  he did as good a job as the nail place in smoothing out my heels AND paid for the privilege. I had a guy who I think has a fat fetish as he offers belly worship. No other part of my body….just my belly. He will kiss, lick and moan about my big, soft belly for a good half hour and he’s good. Of course, Pantyhose Dude is a definite Fetish Seeker and we did meet earlier this month, but al I can do with him is the pantyhose. He claimed to miss me so much and wanted a deep and passionate kiss….and proceeded to treat my face and lips like a woodpecker on a tree. Most guys when they kiss pucker up….Pantyhose Dude’s lips compress into a thin, tight line and his nose pecks, pecks, pecks into my cheek. You can’t kiss me but you want to go all the way with me?? Really?? I am afraid of what would happen if I allowed that.

So here I am, at the end of one relationship and preparing myself to go back out there in the dating cesspool and I am wondering….what is a girl to do?? WHAT is being offered out there that will not make me opt for either celibacy or an alternative lifestyle, although even the latter may be out of bounds as women are as crazy and strange as men sometimes. You know, it is now that I really could kill Him and be okay with the consequences. We are both at an age ( him more so than me) when we should be settling down, enjoying each other and what we had…..not running around being stupid and going crazy. Goddamned mid-life crisis and unresolved issues. But, it is what it is and I am wondering if going out in the real world will bode better results….remember, these guys posting are the same guys in the real world. These men who want to call you names without learning yours first, who post pictures of their cocks as if that is what you will first see when you meet them….oh, I’m sorry I did not recognize you. Your face looks NOTHING like that dick pic you sent me. Perhaps I am overreacting as I know I am not ready now and I do know that the next time around I am settling for nothing less than something of substance with someone of substance and it always happens when you aren’t looking/gauging/testing the waters. I guess I will do what I have been doing: process, heal and use online personal ads as a means of entertainment until I am ready for the real world.

Retreat/Advance

Okay, it’s Sunday and I am still in pain. I came home Friday night, checked in with some folks, popped two muscle relaxers and fell asleep. Woke up Saturday still in pain and laid in the bed all day. The pain on Sunday morning was not the unbearable pain of the week past, but I had to take my time making the bed, running a vacuum and getting my shower. Frequent breaks were called for and by Sunday evening, I was back grunting and groaning and wondering if I will make it into the office. At this point, this pain is just getting on my nerves. Seriously. Going to the doctor does no good as once the pain starts, all once can do is rest, drink lots of water and take pain meds. The only good thing is it has diminished my appetite and I think I am looking curvier every day….but I am foggy off the meds so my perception does not count for much right now.  

In less than 2 weeks, 2010 will be no more and this year, I am making only 2 resolutions: to leave the drama and negativity from any and all fiascos in 2010 and to get out more. That’s it. I feel that leaving behind the drama and negativity is the first step to freeing myself from additional baggage. It is going to be hard to do so…..remember, I can hold a grudge forever. No joke. So I have to let it all go….expectations, disappointments, the unanswered questions. The getting out more…..self explanatory. Men and dating are like jobs….they are not coming knocking on your door to find you. They say opportunity knocks, but I doubt that opportunity is going to come to my apartment door and say: Here I am. Take me now. No, I have to get out and create my opportunities and see what is out there. Again, no expectations or obligations…..and I may not get anything the first 5 times out there and that will be fine. I am famous for saying patience is a virtue and I am not a virtuous woman, but with this new year coming in, I will learn to be. This fiasco has taught me some lessons and opened my eyes; I now see that giving someone you love your all and freely  is NOT the way to go….you have to let them earn some of it because people appreciate what they have to earn and work for; whatever foundation you have beforehand cannot be brought into consideration if you are taking the foundation to another level. The lessons ( and how many more will I learn before this process is over?) are bitter pills to swallow but I now know what I will not tolerate any longer and will nip in the bud right quick. I may not know all I want and need, but I do know what I don’t want or need and that may be the best thing yet.

I am working on me and even though I hate what happened between him and I, I am no longer placing blame. How can I expect a man who is not honest with himself and has no idea what he is looking for to be honest with me or realize what we had together? Yes, there was deception and disrespect….but he is giving it not only to me but to all involved, himself and the BTH included. Yes, I wanted vengeance (still do, truth be told) but for now, he has gotten away with all he has done. One day, he will have to answer to someone about it all and I cannot make that day come any sooner and I cannot make myself be the person he will answer to. I have come to realize that the day he chose her over me, we were over; when I retaliated with my hurtful words and missives, we were history. I cannot keep looking back, trying to analyze this or save us. Save us from what?? It has already happened and no sense trying to figure out the future….what will be, will be and looking back at him, I have no idea what may be right in front of my face.

I know I have to heal and process and answer some hard questions. I have to find out what is in me that attracts the men I do, why guys say I am so many wonderful, positive things but I am not their long term material. Am I a full time job hiring only part-time workers? Does the understanding and acceptance I offer give us TOO much insight into the other or am I, like Morning Person says, giving others too much credit in thinking they are on the same mental and emotional plane as myself?  Are my demands too simple and meager or am I asking too much even with the few demands I do have? After all, which is easier….being naked (in all senses of the word) and  truthful with yourself and your partner or buying dinner and making small talk? Perhaps I really am too much ( I have been called Crazy Sunshine: blinding, dazzling and bathing all in my warmth and light)  and was made to stand out and it takes a certain type of man to handle all that I am…I just have not found him yet and I am being prepared for him as he is being prepared for me.

I don’t mind carrying him into 2011 as long as they are the good memories and the times he really was my friend. If I can remember in my heart the good we had and remember in my head why the good went bad, I may be okay. I guess that is the forgiveness speaking…..despite how we ended up, once he was what I wanted and the answer to every prayer. I need to remember that…..the positive, the light and the good. The bad and the ugly will have to stay behind…kind of like when someone dies. You remember them, but you remember the good and the funny, not the godawful things they did. I did it with Married Man and even though he will never enter my life in a romantic capacity again, when we do speak/see each other we can talk, catch up and laugh together until he starts talking out the side of his neck. In this new year, I am starting over. I am going to overcome my fear and lethargy to make real efforts to meet someone; falling into something for convenience is not on the agenda. Pregnant One and Girlfriend say I am in a healthier and happier place…time to act like it. No more lost causes, rescues or fixer uppers…..I want someone who is on my level and will be willing to put forth the efforts to go higher, further and farther.

Yes, I am talking a DAMNED good game, but believe it or not…..I mean this. Whatever I fall into, whoever I fall into it with….will be different. I am not doing all this processing and transforming to be stuck with someone who will lead me back to Square One. Been there, done that. A part of me feels as if I am giving up on him and us and right before the blessing breaks through….but the processed part of me knows that this is not giving up or a retreat from the situation. It is advancing in a different direction and it will be a path never traveled. I just hope I ‘m ready.

What Others Think….

I know I have not blogged in a minute; I have probably lost readers and people want to kick my ass for whatever reason. However,  this time I have a very good, verifiable excuse and believe it or not…..it does not involve HIM! My abdominal pain has returned with a vengeance. It actually cut through me like a hot butcher knife last Wednesday morning but I was able to work my way through the pain until Saturday….then I was flat on my back, in  indescribable pain and bedridden. I popped muscle relaxers like candy and pretty much did not move unless it was to the bathroom. I did not even really eat anything as the pain was all I could feel. I watched daytime television ( thank Goodness for Grey’s in the afternoon and Tuesday’s Law & Order SVU marathon) and I talked briefly with Panel members. The revelations, communications and my new found attitude have us all pretty much formulating opinions and thoughts; usually when we bring them together to the table, we are divergent in our thought processes but this time around….we are all reading the same book, although pages and chapters vary.  So without further ado, here is what others think about what has happened:

Morning Person: Morning Person is hanging her head…..she is prouder than punch at the progress I have made. She is pleased I am being truthful and objective; she cannot believe I have come this far and while she wishes I would not allow tangents to get in my way, she understands. No matter how much this situation is between he and I, it is natural to focus on the catalyst/tangent not only to assuage the self-esteem but to take the focus off of self. Morning Person is hanging her head because she knows that the communication from him is only the start; the fact that the communication was followed so quickly by the revelation worries her even more. I feel that there is a connection there….it may be my imagination, but the fact that these two things are worrying Morning Person makes me worry also.  Yes, she feels I am talking an EXCELLENT game…..I am saying all the right words, verbally and in print, but the time is drawing near….and when I see him face to face….will I be able to walk an excellent game? That is her question: can I walk the walk as well as I talk the talk? Will all the love, support, advice and self examination be blown away in the face of what I still love? She wants more of the process to take place ; she wants me to be stronger in my resolve to leave sleeping dogs alone; she wants more stability and less vulnerability  from me and with all that has happened…..she does not think that there is much time left. She knows that he is missing me and what I offered, he is realizing his mistakes and is formulating his plan to move back in before my heart can harden. She was against the care package but not because it made me look weak; actually she told me it made me look like the bigger person, but she knew that he would not accept it and view it not as a goodwill gesture or an act of kindness….he saw the welcome mat being laid back out for him and she wants me to use the downtime until the next communication to grow up and grow strong.

Artsy Craftsy: She has two rules: stay in the moment and no speculation. Speculation is hard to stay away from as we have only mixed signals, “media leaks” and history to go by, but she says we can maneuver around all that. The man is looking like death on a corner and it appears that my wish that this woman makes sin dipped in misery left to dry on a street corner look like paradise has come true. He only speaks briefly, hides in his office and looks like he has been abandoned by his mama and his best friend after they ran over his dog. NOT the look of a man who is spending quality time with his lady love. His ass is dragging and according to Artsy Craftsy, it looks like he is learning his lesson the hard way and she wants me to remain open-minded while maintaining the lessons I have learned via this process. She agrees that the communication is a gateway….the fact that it took him 3 days to respond and in such a manner suggests to her that he has been doing some thinking…..and that maybe this time he has sown his wild oats and has discovered first hand that there really is no place like home. Artsy Craftsy has never said this, but I am going to put it out there: I know she has always been a big fan of he and I being together and I feel she thinks he really meant the promises he made back in July…he just got sidetracked. She wants this to be the thing that if we approach it positively and stop making it about right and wrong  and look at it as a second chance for both of us, it really will make the ties that bind unbreakable.

Pregnant One: She is not sure which way to go….she agrees with Morning Person in that he is reaching and feeling to see where I am. She also feels that I am not ready; she has heard my volatility towards him. She knows that if nothing changes, nothing changes and if only I have changed ( and how strong is this change? ) what does that bode for us? She wants it to work, but she also wants me  to leave it alone. If she could see what good it would do ME, she would be all over it; however, she feels as everyone does…if he is so unhappy, then just leave. He walked out on the best thing to ever happen to him, why is it so hard to leave the BTH? She smells more games, deception and mixed signals and has stated that he will have to come correct as he has presented to us that he is capable of that, but is he really? Another thing that worries her and Morning Person both is the one thing that is constant in my feelings: I cannot trust the man, I cannot see him in the same way and until I can find a way to do so, Pregnant One says going through with anymore of this convoluted reconciliation dance is a waste of time for both of us.

Cuz: Cuz has said that if I do fall for the okey-doke this time, he will have to pray for me and learn sign language as apparently I cannot hear. Cuz says that the man went from telling me I was everything he was looking for to  treating me as nothing to him. He says this has been a true test of character  for both of us and all that came through  on his end were  lies and cowardice; it has nothing to do with being dumped…it is all to do with how you treat people and for him to do what he did and expect NO repercussions? What the hell makes this man think he can walk all over folks and toy with their emotions and think everything is all okay? The man is stupid as shit and to think he can come back?? According to Cuz…what this guy did was low and no decent man, no real man would act in this manner. He is against any form of communication and whatever him is going through now…..obviously he likes it as he chose it. Yes, the man has five distinct personalities and whichever one is in charge now has pretty much fucked it up for the two or three that wanted and desired me. Cuz says it is okay to love the man until I don’t anymore but it has to be tough love….just know the limitations and boundaries and keep him at arm’s length.

Chef: Chef has stated that maybe the man is really happy, but is looking for an alternative to the pressurized relationship he now finds himself in. Despite Chef seeing for himself how bad the man is looking , despite the man’s ass dragging the ground so low you can’t slide a quarter under it…..Chef says that what we see as misery, dishevelment and depression…him thinks is happiness. When he first told me that, I was speechless. Seriously, HOW can one go from what he had with me (smiles, good moods, good humor, clean and different clothes each day and improved social skills) to what he is now and think it is happiness? To me, that is a whole new level of fucked up and I am not sure if I am ready for that. Chef wants to slap him silly and tell him that he does not have to walk around looking like a sad sack and saying every day is a fucked up one…he had the perfect woman who adored and loved him and he walked out on her. Chef wants us to talk to each other and see for ourselves where we both are; Chef says to ask him if he wants healthy and happy or broke and depressed. However….there are still his inadequacies and unresolved issues;  already my love has proven to be not enough to lift him….if anything it seems to drag him down even more as he feels that I deserve more and better. And if we take Chef’s theory into consideration, it s apparent the man does not know the difference.  Chef thinks that this BTH incident will be what opens his eyes, but we have to take it slow and perhaps a paid arrangement would be best to start off with once we became intimate again.  Money creates a boundary that will give me my validation and leave him feeling without obligations until he feels he is ready for them and we both get the mind blowing sex, intimacy and understanding only we can give the other. I am not sure about anyone else but it seems to me that Chef’s theories has a lot of missing variables and an abundance of presumptions.

Girlfriend: She is not surprised at the communication and does not believe the man is staying anywhere with anyone. When we worked on the island, we would tell him all the time he needed to find a woman to help him with his grumpiness…his response was one of two things: maybe a woman was the cause of his grumpiness or finding a woman within 10 years of his age without children is hard to find and he was not looking to raise more kids, especially if they weren’t his. Girlfriend says that all of this is his way of seeing just where I am, and he will wait to see if I jump back out there with anger and hurtful comments and seriously….just ignore him. I am getting better and am in a healthier, happier place than he is right now and we cannot jeopardize all of the hard work and tears.  She pointed out that he is a lame loser and it is clear as crystal why he cannot hold onto to anyone: every time he has put himself out there with women, it always starts out really good and as time goes on, the real him shows up  which brings out the predator in the woman and next thing you know he is watching another man fuck his woman and paying her for the privilege of doing so. With me, I tried to understand him and make him a better, more confident man and this is how I get repaid. Girlfriend is also worried about my lack of trust towards him……it will never be the same regardless  how he will return and I have not processed enough to even make it to the “never be the same” stage. She thinks all communications need to be screened and let the consensus decide what to respond to and what to ignore. I am not ready to face him or  this stage of the fiasco alone.

Quiet One: She says the man is looking old and haggard and that the tornado is blowing over. She feels badly for him and wants him to realize what he had; however, she does not feel that he has learned anything. He just does not want to go through what he put me through. If being back with him would make me happy, she wants to know why. Quiet One says if I go through with the dance this time around…..I have a lot of accounting to do to every member of the Panel. She stated that for 4 months I cried my eyes out; I broke down, doubted my beauty and capabilities and allowed myself to think I was not good enough for a man who does not even know what he wants as he tells me one thing and got caught up with what he didn’t. The man embarrassed me in front of my friends and basically slapped me in my face….and this is what makes me happy? How long will it last this time, and if all we opt for is a friendship…will that work, given our history? In order to have any sort of relationship with anyone, there has to be a level of trust, respect and honesty and where has he shown me any of that? Even if he did mean what he told me back in July….all it took was a come hither look given by what he thought he was missing out on to make his truth a lie. So for him to drop the communication and the revelation within 3 days of each other tells her there is nothing waiting for me but more mixed signals and more analysis.

Buddy: All Buddy has to say is I am settling…with him and with what he can offer me. Even if he did have deep and intense feelings for me he could not handle, even if I did not see the need to play games and insist on social outings…..he can show it to another and that says a lot whichever way you look at it. If he felt that he was unworthy of me and was worried about being laughed at and talked about…what the hell do I need with a man who cannot be a man with me? If he felt that I was simply not his type and he viewed it all as sexual…..he isn’t even man enough to tell me he was ready to move on and pursue something else with someone else? Any way you look at it…the man is not capable of being a man when it comes to me, and if I keep fucking around with little boys, I can go to jail for that.

Oscar: As much as Oscar loves the thought of us reconciling, she says it is not time. I am still all over the map and the man has not made any efforts to reverse what is to us a complete turnaround. What has changed that makes him want to see where I am and what did he hope to accomplish by his revelation? Why can’t he tell me himself all these things? Why continue to allow the Island to be the heavy? I can answer that one: when/if we do have our face to face talk….he will say it was all rumors and to not believe everything I hear. He will say he THOUGHT he had an interest in her but he was mistaken. Oscar says there are still too many questions and not enough answers to do anything. His communications still require a secret decoder ring and I am not going through this process to pick up where we left off…..I deserve at the minimum to be elevated to the next level and can he offer me that? Oscar feels that he can’t….he will be fresh from the mauling the BTH is most certainly giving him and HIS trust issues will be all fucked up and his bank account will be on zero….do I want him back broke AND broken down?? Seriously?? Her advice: go slow and let him know in further communications what I want, expect and need. He can either step up or step down.

Me: Don’t ask me a damned thing….that is why I have a Panel. Pretty much, we do not know if he is leaking lies or the truth and it no longer matters. The way he is handling things is sloppy, messy and he has yet to come clean with me about anything. This is  a man who says  (as an explanation for his treatment of me) that because he never loved me, he felt that who he saw and what he did with them wasn’t any of my business…and we were together then! So now that we are apart, he feels the need for me to be privy to this craziness??   The word is to go slow, stay in the day, avoid speculation and work on me. If I stay in the process and ask myself the hard questions, my choice will be easier than taking candy from a baby: why do I want him back? Will things be different? If they aren’t, what will happen to me once the rejection comes around again? Do I not feel that I am worthy and deserving of more? And here is the kicker: I have to actually answer these questions; how else will the process work and acceptance advance? I can’t just put them out there and look at them. As Christina Yang told Meredith Grey: “Admitting you have issues is not the same as actually working on the issues.” I mean, I have no problem lighting into people when I feel they disrespected me or mistreated me: Reliable One, every member of the Panel, siblings, family, bosses, authority figures….all have heard and/or felt my wrath. Yes, him has felt it also, but I say this: Fuck you, you horrible motherfucking bastard. I love you sweetie…can we work it out? What the hell is wrong with THAT picture?? The man who gives me the least I cut the most slack and that is not working…for me, it isn’t. This incident has shown me that the good times are further and further apart and all this happiness and understanding  he is looking for, he seems to overlook. I will say this: I do not care about his well-being the way I used to….he is depressed and looking bad? His choice. I can see that this time around, I am the one who is unsure of what she wants, and maybe a month ago, that would be scary, but today it isn’t. What we had…..we had and I don’t know if we can ever have anything again. I do know that I am not jumping back out there and if he really wants what I have to offer, he will man up and act like it. He will speak clearly, concisely and let it be known how he really feels and what he is really looking for.

Well, it is getting late and the pain ( which does not allow me to sit or stand for long periods of time) has my lower body damn near numb. I think I have more than made up for my lack of blogging and now everyone is all caught up. This weekend, he is going on the shelf and we will talk about other topics I find interesting….maybe kinky sex  (drawn from experience) or what Christmas  means to me or something like that. Anything but more analysis over a one line response, which if I do what I am supposed to, will not lead to anything.

Next Steps

Yesterday I blogged about how great I am and I am going to tell you right now…..I think having to tell myself those things is the lamest thing ever. It is lame, a cliché and reminiscent of a cheesy, made-for-TV movie starring has-been actors. I do not want to have to tell myself those things….I want HIM to say, see it and know it. I KNOW that I am not the only person out there who knows that in spite of all the positive things I say about myself, it is still a fact that at the end of the day, I am the one who was rejected. I was rejected for a woman who looks like a runner up on Rupaul’s Drag U by a guy who I actually asked: if you look at him and look at me, WHICH one of us should be rejected and heartbroken over the other? From where I sit, it isn’t me, yet it is. Having to tell myself these things  reminds me of when I was younger and being teased by the kids at school….I would go home crying and my mommy would tell me I was so pretty and the others were jealous. Well, substitute my Panel for my mother and replace jealous with foolish and I am back in time by a good 30 years. I love my Panel…I truly do and I need and appreciate their love and support more than they will ever know, but there are days I resent the hell out of them. Pretty much, they have all gone through their processes and are where they want/need to be , whether or not they are with that someone they can smile about, be themselves with and me? I am not even clearing the clutter…I am TRYING to clear the clutter and not being very successful at that. Again, what is it with me that is not “fine” and that out of all these people who think I am so everything, I find the one blind, dense and dumb motherfucker in the bunch who can say it but obviously not see it, AND fall in love with him to the point I am finding myself to be utterly ridiculous and as stupid as he is.

I cried yesterday….off and on, questioning myself and my looks and my image. I cried over the utter rejection of it all, and I really believe that if he had treated me with respect and maturity…it would not be the rejection I feel now. Yes, more than likely he would have still chosen the BTH path, but if he had done this differently….it would be him exploring his options versus him dumping me like trash for what I consider to be trash. I am letting go, not only of him but of us and I cried because it really is over…..whatever happens, it is over. Perhaps it has been over and I am just now getting the news, but I have always felt in my heart and gut that he would return….in spite of the damage and fallout of this fiasco, why would he not?  Remember, I am all these wonderful things! He always has before and I have always given him the means of entry. We have gone through arguments and separations and I look at us as being a DVD: we go from play to pause back to play again. Our understanding and acceptance of each other have allowed us to pretty much be bitches and bastards to each other and overlook totally inexcusable behaviors in the other; this time….I am ejecting the DVD. We have gone on too long like this and this time we both went too far. I can no longer trust him and he would have to offer me three times what he has offered anyone else before, and even then….I would always feel the hurt and rejection. I would question every word, every action and the one thing this relationship does not need MORE of is analysis and over-thinking. The hurtful things  he provokes me to say would be said on a constant basis as the thorn in my side would rear its head every time I see him. You know, this is the one guy I always thought we would remain unchanged; if we were never sexual again, I always thought we would have the friendship, the flirting and the randomness. We had such a great foundation and we had understanding and ties that I really thought may be tested but never broken.

I hate being in this position: doubting myself, comparing myself and holding onto the hurt as if hurt, pain and rejection is all I know. I hate him for putting me here and I see now why the Panel says they are done if we go through this one more time over this asshole. The first time around, I was questioning myself and wondering the whats and whys but it was his depression; the only reason I am still willing to believe that is because too many Panel members on the Island testified to that. There are variables and reactions this time around that have me wondering why I even want him back, why I think another chance to be with him would turn out right this time; it has me knowing that if there were to be a next time, whatever happens is my fault as I allowed it to happen and I am with the Panel….I am NOT going through this again…..not over this fool I ‘m not.  I am getting nothing but older and it is time to put away childish things. It is time to cut the losses and stop playing “grown up” and “house” and actually be an adult.

I cannot rage against the machine, but I can vent and blog. It is time to stop going over what happened, what was said, what was done….from both parties. Not one detail is going to change, no matter how many times or how many ways I look at this. What we did and what we said is done, and so is the damage. Now, it is time to pick up the pieces and try to put them back together. It is time to repair me and my issues….I have been hurting too long and letting my issues run rampant. I have let the process run untamed to get me to this point; I am not sure if I can step in to at least assist as co-pilot but I need to step up and do some work on me so that I can utilize the revelations, the secrets and the acceptance I do have to go further and farther. Hope has been fading slowly, expectations have been laid to rest and worst case scenarios? Seriously, someone tell me how much worse this scenario can get? I have to give thanks to the Panel, the Process and the Universe here as I may be weebling and I may be wobbling but I have not fallen down. So obviously, I am strong enough to withstand the blows as long as I stay in the moment. Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery….all I have is today and today I want to be better. Today I want to do the work necessary so that I can be prepared mentally and emotionally for a man who will love and treat me with the same depth and intensity with which I loved and treated him. I want to never have to doubt myself again and to be with a man who can and will be honest with himself first….then I won’t have to worry about his being honest with me; I want maturity and just not in age; I want no excuses from them and no reasons to utilize their financial information or to slash 3 of their car tires….and here is a helpful hint: if any of you reading this want to exact revenge in that way, only flatten/slash 3 tires as insurance will only cover all 4 tires. You want them to have to put forth work, effort and dollars; you want to inconvenience them and hopefully piss them the off,  not give them  a free set of tires.

I am going to take the Panel’s advice and remember the pain, the hurt, the cowardice and the cop outs when he comes to the forefront. He is not a loss or the one who got away….he is the bullet I narrowly dodged and like Married Man, he has to go into the closet. I am seeing his true colors and I am losing focus of the understanding; I may be questioning a lot of things about me as a result of this bullshit but I do know that I do not have to be second best to anyone, ever. I know I am not processed and this is not over by a long shot. It took 4 months of my putting it out there that the last time was the last time and I am just now accepting it; more than accepting it, I believe it and I know now that I am the one who controls the outcome as he can reach out and knock on my door all he wants…..no one is home. He cannot come in unless I let him in and after his treatment of me, his lies, his betrayal…..I need to look at me and see what is it in me that would consider even peeking out of the blinds to see what he wanted Yes, I know I love him and love lets you overlook the flaws and see the ordinary in an extraordinary way but for real…..what is extraordinary about a guy who at over half a hundred does not know what he is looking for, did not recognize what he had and has erectile dysfunction? How can one continue to overlook his indecisiveness, his rudeness and his cowardice?  

I still read horoscopes…mine and his. Of course, I do not live by them but as usual, they are on point (for me, at least) more often than not. They have told me that I am on track with my process, they have told me that it is best to re-think the way I have always done things and to focus on other areas of m life other than what is right now a lost cause. His has been telling him to watch his finances and what he thought was true love really was….for all of a few hours and  what will he do now that reality has set in. Now mine says that this problematic relationship needs changing but not to do anything drastic….there is still room for a new beginning. His says that the reality of what he thought glittered is setting in and he needs to mend bridges as he overlooked the true treasure in his pursuit of window dressing. However…..three things a Leo dislikes are: being ignored, facing difficult realities and not being center stage. This fiasco has me saddled with all three of my dislikes and I am NOT liking that. Why would I want to be with a person who brings me all the things I dislike? Why would I want a person who is in bigger need of repair that I am? Am I THAT tied to the familiar I am willing to sacrifice happiness and settle for being good or okay and then only part of the time? Is the understanding and acceptance I get from him worth it or am I being driven by ego and determined to make him see and recognize so that I can be the one to reject him?

In an earlier blog post I posed the question that was posed to me: where do we go from here? The real question is where do I go from here because he is headed to the poorhouse before heading back to Aloneville. So where do I go and what will I do with my lessons learned?  What will I do once I complete my examination and discover my true motives? What do I do if it is love that is my driving force to not abandon hope and pray for a miracle, and better yet….what do I do if it isn’t? I do know I am too vibrant and bubbly and open to remain a hermit or run out and buy some cats and knitting needles but I also know I am too vulnerable and hurt at this time to put myself back out there in any capacity. I know I am too mistrustful of men to consider anything as they all have hidden agendas…..so I will just take things as they come when they come. I have already faced and accepted things I never thought I would or could and really, while it is hurtful and painful…..it can’t be that bad as I have not abandoned the process or my recovery nor have I died. There are times I felt as if I wanted to do all three but something deep inside of me has me holding on and believing in a different kind of hope.

I cannot believe I am putting out in the Universe and in print that I really may not want him back…..as much as I love him, as much as I want us to get it right and go further I need to face and accept that my love is just not enough to carry us. IF he feels anything for me, it has never been enough and  he can show another all that he could not show me despite what he says and knows I offer; despite all he says I am, he not only did not want it but cannot face me to tell me even though he is such an honorable gentleman. It is time to face, accept and believe; it is time to let go of him, us and the past. It is time to go to the next step in the process where I can work on me and tackle the questions that only I can answer….and hopefully at the end of all of this, I will get all I need to be all I can be for someone deserving of it.

10.000 Frenchmen Can’t Be Wrong

My Panel reads my blogs….you guys know that. They read it to support me and to find out what is really going on with me. Yes, I talk to them on a near daily basis and while I can get in-depth, I also give them the I’m fine spiel also because  there are some things I cannot verbalize. Morning Person says I sound different when I write and I communicate different things via the blog….and that is because I feel things and think things that if I tried to say them….it would come across completely wrong and sometimes the anger, hurt and confusion I feel….if I had to speak it to someone, I would be crying too hard to say a word.

New BFF asked me why do I torture myself with the unanswered questions? Fuck Him and concentrate on me; and all I can say is I love this man, and thought we had already had our train wreck. I trusted ( as best I could)  and believed him and in him for a second time, and in some ways I am like a child: optimistic and seeing the best in people despite the flaws. I treat people with love caring, respect and a lot of great things and want to believe that they will do the same. I have been betrayed and blindsided and like I told him during one of my rants: I have simply NEVER been subjected to such fucked up and erratic behavior in ALL my days and never have I been treated so ridiculously by anyone, even in active addiction. Hell, the people in active addiction have a reason and an excuse….what’s his? His cowardly cop-outs and hiding behind the curtain offer nothing, so I am having to give myself closure and that crap isn’t easy…at all.  It is involving me having to re-think everything but still I do not know if I am telling myself the truth or indulging in speculation and  right now, I end up either doubting/questioning  myself and my capabilities or wondering why I never saw the role he was playing. BUT, I have help and not just from my panel.

I do not have to concentrate on myself because I hear all day, every day from family, friends, co-workers and strangers on the street how wonderful, pretty, fashionable, and sweet I am. I need to concentrate on accepting it. Every job I have ever worked I have given my all; I am a damned good worker and not dumb in the least little bit. I am a quick learner, organized, have awesome time management skills and give great customer service. I have follow-up and follow-through and a wonderful personality. I am the character in the office, I am the one who shares her lunch and offers to help the other person get caught up. Always I hear two things wherever I work: what did we do before you came and that I am arguably the best dressed and most fashionable person in the office.  I have a great rapport with my supervisors (even the Craziest Bitch in America and I have a decent personal relationship; she may not appreciate my skills set, but she recognizes it and will acknowledge it) and my co-workers love me. If you give me a task, you know that it will be completed correctly and in a timely manner. I am the one who may not make it to the office early (on time is a stretch and needs to be recognized when it happens) but I will forego lunch and stay late to ensure the project meets its deadline. With all I offer, I am not sure why I am the one who makes the short list but it has been thrown out there that everyone thinks I will be more than okay with all I bring to an office and while it is a cold comfort to know that I am still missed and irreplaceable at these places, it is a comfort nonetheless.

My friends….I think I am not a good friend, but they beg to differ. I bring quirkiness, laughter and a unique point of view to their lives. I am generous, kind, sweet, a good listener, give good advice and love them for who they are and where they are. I try to be there for them as much as they are they for me and with this fiasco, I try to give them space and time because my disaster is not theirs. Even now that I am poorer than I have ever been, I will still sacrifice to let them know how much they mean to me and I have no problems doing so because I feel that what they offer and give me is without limits and has no price tag. I am told that I have this great positive energy and exude great karma, but I draw from those who feed it to me.

The men in my life: I really have to go with they are fucked up and with him….I need to accept that it really is him and not me. Every man says I am all these great things: beautiful, loving, caring, kind, sexy and sensual. I am the best lover they have ever had and I offer things unmatched. I am crazy, wonderful, sexy and cool and my love is higher, tighter and sweeter. I treat the man I love like a King and no request is too small.  They tell me that sexually I am kinky, open-minded and willing and that is a good thing; who knows what will come out of my mouth and they say my candor and humor is refreshing. Perhaps I am too accommodating as I am always the one who gets left or maybe, the intensity and larger than life persona that I hear everyone say I carry is not a myth but the truth and only a chosen few can handle me for the long term. Yes, they return and usually I am willing try again as perhaps we have both learned lessons; hell even Married Man realized what he had in me, he did not realize what to do to keep it. Him and I are not new to the break up game and we have found our way back to each other before…..but never, never has any breakup with any man been this way and I pray this is my first and last experience with such cowardice, confusion and deception. It is unfathomable to me that someone would experience the depth of what I am and all I can be to them and still reject it, and perhaps my ego is making it harder to let go of him because I come back to the why and the what: WHAT does a woman with 3 kids have that I don’t and WHY am I and my offerings not enough? Those questions come directly from the ego….and they spawn other questions that relate to the self-esteem, self-worth and I am at the point that I just want to fall out of love with this man because that will solve everything; however you can’t hurry love, coming or going. If I no longer care about him and his welfare….then I will no longer care why he did the shit he did. I will be able to see him and it will mean no more than passing an old friend on the street, and if he is sick….I will not feel it is not on me to be the good guy and try to save the day. Once I fall out of love with him….it just won’t matter. Right now, all I hear is how it is his loss, but all I feel is that it is my loss; I want to be able to say that phrase and actually believe it.

So this is where I need to concentrate on me…..I am an amazing, awesome woman who really is beautiful and sexy and wonderful and I do offer so many things to so many people.  I am smart, funny, completely single ( no children, pets or roommates) and willing to do the maintenance to tuck the emotional baggage and issues away somewhere. I need to believe it, accept it and act like it. After all, he and his treatments and opinions of me  is one versus a thousand and I am sticking with the majority.

Growing Pains

I know I have not blogged in a couple of days……I couldn’t. I had to wrap my head around the latest bombshell. No, I did not cry when I heard that he was “staying” with the BTH….I really did laugh out loud at that….but that does not mean it wasn’t a bombshell or that it did not affect me. I have to thank my Panel for their love, support, wisdom and guidance to get me to this level of acceptance. As this fiasco progresses, each new revelation is simply more surreal and absurd than the next and once upon a time, I would be filled with denial and naiveté, but today…..today I am growing and able to take these grenades and view them objectively.

The thing with him is this: you have to read between the lines and the things he lets get back to me are designed to elicit responses and rises out of me. He will tell me he met the woman a week before the party yet he has put her picture up after knowing her two weeks and only when I tell him he is stuck on his dead ex-wife wife and I have become sexually active (he is and I didn’t). I and every Panel member and every Independent Consultant knows this man does nothing that quickly, personally or professionally. He will not tell me or let me know that he is wearing the same outfit days on end (and after this latest “wikileak”, either she needs to do laundry or he needs to move more clothes over there) or that his ass is dragging and he has a deer in the headlights look seemingly permanently etched on his face yet he will let it be known he is “staying” there with her. After all the ugly, nasty emails I have sent, the only one he responded to is the one where I called him fat-assed ( I apologized for that one), and asked me is that the only name I called him that bothers me? Obviously it is the one that bothered him as that was what rankled him enough to elicit a response. This is the man that every Panel will tell you has never, ever offered or initiated  apologies, thank yous or any type of acknowledgement of any kind other than face to face and not  without some sort of prompting from me. I have to ask/tell him to do so….even when things were good. Our first year together, for his birthday, I had an Edible Arrangement sent to his office with a card and everything…..and had to call him 3 days later to receive a thank you. He swears there was no card and when I pointed out to him just where the card would be, he says it never occurred to him to open it.

So for him to initiate a communication that begins with an apology and ends with a thank you…..I am not over-thinking or making a mountain out of a molehill in trying to ascertain his motives. A man as convoluted as he is, wrapped up enough with a woman that everything he told me he wanted and was looking for has become a falsehood would not be bothered to acknowledge a damned thing I did for him. He would not bother to apologize for not responding when he has yet to apologize for his treatment of me. You are “staying” with this woman, yet you not only accept the offering  and he knew who it was from; he did not ask who sent the package, just what was in it) but NOW you can treat me with the basic respect and common courtesies you had no idea existed where I was concerned when we were together?  You do not like me very much anymore, but you can apologize and thank me? He really is reaching out and I need to take it slowly because now, I no longer trust him and no longer know what I want.

This bombshell has my self-esteem plunging again; it has never recovered or healed from the unceremonious dumping and now….now I have no idea what to do as it has sunk so low, I have to find it. The man has always told me that he was not into overly made up, phony women; he does not desire a woman with stay at home children….he is at an age where he is too old for children (his or anyone else’s) and wants peace and relaxation when he spends time with a lady; he has told me that he wants a woman who will understand him: kinks, warts and all and who he can be himself around on all levels, including the sexual. And he had all this….when our friendship turned for the romantic/sexual (again) earlier this year, everyone was surprised. When we had our face to face talk and he had the option of a onetime thing or returning to the friendship/flirtation, he chose the full monty. He was ready to move on past the dead ex-wife, he was going to put forth the effort needed to make us work and he was only interested in me. Hell, even Gold Digger #1 was backburnered this time around and the Panel and I convened and it was agreed to go for it. Artsy Craftsy saw how much happier he was when we resumed regular communications and for a week straight after the reconciliation, the man could not wipe the grin from his face. He was listening to the advice I gave him, he was being a happier/better person  and things were good. Morning Person was even suckered in….she said he was showing maturity and growth and told me to go slow, bury the past and give him a chance. Girlfriend and Chef warned me to keep a fence up but to tear down those walls as this time….it seemed genuine. Now….we are all wondering what in the HELL happened as he threw away what he wanted and in less than 5 months is showing a woman who is perhaps President of the League of Overly Made Up Women, has 3 children and in the opinion of most Panel members a gold digger a level of commitment unmatched since the dead ex-wife.

So yeah, my self esteem is wondering WHAT does this chick have that I don’t that she can get this far with him in such a short period of time; I am wondering am I really beautiful and sexy or was he just talking to hear himself talk? I have told you guys before, I am the chick that needs validation but because I love him so much and wanted something healthy and meaningful, I removed my price tag and now I feel empty and used. I cannot be all he said I was to him because he left in the blink of an eye….but now, NOW when he is supposedly so in love (and NO ONE has said this….hell, he still has not called her his woman but I say it because why else “stay” with a woman who is all and has all you say you don’t want?), you want to reach out and see where I am emotionally. Now, you want to show me basic respect and common courtesies, yet you still cannot apologize.  In an attempt to find my self-esteem, I actually took pictures of my body and sent them to the male Panel members in an effort to re-affirm my sexiness……and was told by Buddy ( who is not even into bigger women) that I am finer than wine; Cuz says that if I send anymore pictures like that, we will no longer be platonic; New BFF says I am built like a brickhouse and to send Him the pictures. I said that would be disrespectful as the man is in a relationship now, but BFF rebutted with we all know the BTH does not know I exist (when he failed to tell me about her, we agreed he failed to tell her about me) and in addition to the package, send the pictures so he can really eat his heart out over what he fucked up; and Chef….Chef says I am simply beautiful and breath-taking. According to Chef….who knows what this man is thinking but I need to know: no matter how much make-up this woman applies, she will never be prettier than me; his current demeanor and dress code tells the story that she does not and will not care as much as I do; sexually/physically I will always, always blow the BTH out of the water: my breasts will always be bigger and prettier and down below….I will always be tastier and tighter, kinkier and the one to please my partner. Sometime I wonder if it is the sexual that is the wedge between us: yes, it is awesome and explosive but infrequent as definitely I have the higher drive and simple companionship will not work with us because our sexual chemistry demands a release, whether he is up for the task or not. 

I do not know…..maybe his love for her has matured him enough for the basic acknowledgements and she really is getting an engagement ring for Christmas. Perhaps they will married on Valentine’s Day and while it won’t answer the questions I have, it will be my closure. Or she is using him as some sort of on call handyman, part-time Daddy and ATM machine and he will be broke and broken down by the time the spring thaw comes around. The part of me that still loves and cares for/about him wonders is he where is with this woman because he wants to be or did the whirlwind tornado manipulate and push him along to put him this position? I wonder what this outcome will be. And my Panel…..I love them so much because they are the ones who are helping me to grow and withstand the pains that come with that: I have nothing to say to him about his latest revelation. I accept the fact that it may be at that level with him and BTH….I do not have to like it, but I have to accept it and raging against the machine helps no one….that will only serve to drive the wedge deeper and if I reach out in care and concern, I will come across as bitchy, nosy and maybe even a little desperate. I can only work on myself and the process is what I need to determine not only what I am really looking for from the next relationship but what I can truly offer. No one knows if he and I will resume anything on any level; the hurt and damage have us both acting out of character and like complete idiots; Time, Karma and the Universe will make that determination and holding onto hope, expectations and/o worst case scenarios helps no one at this time. I have to let go of it all and just be. Yes, I feel as if I am just bobbing and drifting along in uncharted waters and my hallways just got a little longer and little darker….but there is light at the end of it….I just have not reached it yet.

News Update

Today, I was not even going to blog….I am going deeper than I want to and telling everybody (including myself) too much information and really, it can be too much. I stated I was quitting the process. Artsy Craftsy and Pregnant One said they understood  but don’t go but Morning Person pretty much went off…. in a quiet way. First, I send her a freaking 90 day notice (which she promptly tore up) and now I want to quit? No way in three hells is ANYONE leaving this process…..and it is funny because one of my horoscopes told me that change causes conflict and conflict triggers a deeper change. In order for the process of change to be successful, it must be started at the right time, be helmed by sincere and capable leadership ( that would be Morning Person) and the subject must be surrounded by a broad base of knowledgeable and compassionate people ( that would be my Panel and certain Independent Consultants) and the process must address a true need. Well, I think I qualify and meet all the requirements, so I am in this for the long haul…..and after Artsy Craftsy ‘s revelation tonight….I need to be here.

I know Artsy Craftsy has been incognito but she has always said if she heard anything, saw anything or there was something worth reporting, she would be there; kind of our own Girl on the Street Reporter…..and apparently she has found out that him is “staying” with the BTH at her place. She called me on a 3 way with Pregnant One as she was afraid to tell me….well, not AFRAID to tell me but afraid of my reaction. She really did not want to tell me, but it is best to know the complete story ( or what we can piece of it) so I am not holding onto hope or expectations (and we all do, whether we realize it or not) for naught. I need all the facts to process properly and make informed decisions. Pregnant One told her to tell it and if I break down, well at least they can hold my hand for a minute or two. But I did not break down….I laughed. I simply do not believe it; I am not in disbelief……I just do not believe it. I am a big girl, and as I blogged before….he and I are no longer together. He left me in a fucked up manner for another woman and what happens is simply what comes with the territory. So now what has come with the territory is that he is “staying” in a 2 bedroom condo that is small, cramped and while not outright dirty is not clean with a BTH and her 3 children; he is “staying” with his whirlwind tornado yet he is wearing the same clothes, sicker than two dogs and is verging on the brink of depression. The man is “staying” with her when he has a four bedroom home that is clean and spacious and he shares with his two grown daughters…still sounds like room enough for the big happy extended family he has acquired; he is “staying” with her and yet, he accepted my care package and is using it. When he emailed me on Saturday afternoon, instead of making nice, why not tell me that you have a girlfriend instead of  constantly referring to her as “this woman”? Why not tell me you have a girlfriend you are spending all this time with if not outright living with and my gesture while appreciated, is not needed.

See, the communication he sent has the senior Panel members in a panic because while certain variables may have changed this time around concerning our breakup, his MO has not and we have been through this before. Out of the blue, comes his “feeler” email and Pregnant One and Morning Person both cautioned me to be careful what I say and to keep it short. Cuz wants to know why the fuck I even responded as we all know he is about to hatch his Pinky and the Brain plan to return. He does it every time…when it hits him that he has fucked up and what he had over on this side of the world, he sends his little feeler emails. He sent them earlier than this, but I was still too hurt and angry to even play into it…..and now that time has passed and I have grown enough to show him a kind act, he is ready to pounce. Well, not exactly pounce as he is slower than two turtles with molasses up their asses because he has to over-think every little thing. I can’t say I blame him as the one time he did NOT think, he finds himself being Uncle Moneybags to 3 rugrats that definitely aren’t his, supporting two households and running his old, broken down body ragged. And the sad part? I am willing to bet money I do not have that he is still not getting any. Cuz says he did not realize that the part of the world BTH resides in had projects and him is probably sleeping on the couch. But, back to the communication…..he will be quiet for a minute to see if I jump off half cocked again…..he knows that I have heard about this new development. He only told one person (in fact, took that person over there) but he knows that that one person would tell the one person who would deliver me the news. So he is waiting to see what my reaction will be (he has no idea how deeply into this process I am….I have no reaction and no response…at least not to him I don’t) and if it is favorable (meaning I have not cursed him out, flattened his tires or attempted to kill him), he will reach out again. But this time around…..I am not reaching back. I love him…do not get it twisted…..but he has no idea what he wants. He wanted me, he wanted her; he does not want a woman with children, yet what does he have? He wants a woman who is sweet, supportive and will understand him…..he got a woman with 3 babies, baby daddies and no time to wash his clothes or give him a cough drop to stop his coughing. The man has a bad back, a bum knee and a shoulder that has a mind of its own, yet she wants him to fix all the broken down things around the house. As Cuz put it, shit is getting raggedy and he knows it is time to bail.

He will reach out but I can no longer be bothered…..he may not know what he wants, but Sweet Jesus, he knew what he had; I am trying to be fair and objective here and say maybe he did not as he never had a yardstick to measure it by. All of his previous attempts at something long term blew up in his face as no one returned his affections. I did….I returned them, I understood him, I was a damned good woman to him….and he threw me over for a woman that my cousin ( actual blood relative) called a Craigslist hooker off the break. He said she is run down by life, fake, phony and needs to learn how to put the damned weave on if she is going to wear it. So perhaps, now that he has something to compare me and my offerings to, he realizes and will appreciate it if he gets it again, except he will be broke and this time….I need the material shit. I need my rent paid, I need my nails done and money or no….I will never see him the same way again. Ever. So why be bothered? Like I blogged yesterday…this is what I will never forget and a reconciliation may as well stay away as this is the end of us. And it is the end of us for two reasons: he does not know how to treat me and he still doesn’t know how; he is just wanting out of a bad situation with as little hurt as possible and NOW he thinks of me. He did not think of me when he pulled this fucking stunt and got pissed because there were consequences and repercussions, but now…now that he sees the grass is definitely not greener on the other side….he wants to think of me. The second reason is that all the love and kindness and everything I showed him…..he never once offered me the level of commitment he is offering this woman who  presents herself behind a mask of make-up and carries with her all l he says he does not want. All that we had and shared went out the window for her….yet, now that this has completely blown up in his face, it is me he reaches out to.

I want to ask him how is that happiness working out for him….but we both know I know. I want to ask just how much destruction and devastation the whirlwind tornado has left in its wake….but he knows I know. Honestly, at this point, I have nothing to say to him. He has made his choices and he has to live with them. I am not here for his convenience and really…he has become a laughingstock as far as I am concerned. I am curious as to what his plan is as this time around, he will have to actually make an effort to say something and do something to show his remorse, and what can anyone expect from a person who is incapable of being honest with themselves? And I am going to be honest with myself right now….I do feel a twang of hurt because he can show the BTH  after less than 5 months what he could only show me for  brief moments after all the time we had been together….but it is only a twang, and seriously….I am indulging in speculation as to what he is showing her or doing for her. I am not there and am only privy to what he wants me to know, but I am not stupid. I have been around the block and have played the games so I have me not being too far off the mark. He may not live there or even stay there ( no one on the Panel believes it…remember, he is not the most honest man out there) , but he can show her things and give her things that he was unable to do with me……and according to his own words….she has all he doesn’t want and I possess all he does.

At this point, I am throwing it all up in the air and let Karma, the Universe and the Panel figure it out. I am staying in the process, sticking with my no contact rule and hoping that no more kind acts for him are laid on my heart. This entire situation has gotten out of hand on all ends, and is without a doubt the sloppiest break-up in the history of break-ups and with all the issues, baggage and layers of emotions we STILL have between us, I am going to answer my own question: we were trying to simplify something complicated and all for love of the pain.