I have been reading online personals. Even though I am not ready, I am bored. Laying in bed, resting and willing this pain to go away gets old and while I can sit up for brief periods at the computer, there are only so many Facebook apps I am subscribing to and once I read the horoscopes in the morning, there aren’t any more until the next day. Emailing is fun, but that requires a give and take and most people are working, so my inane chatter is not quite that high on their priority list. I could sit here and think of him, what he’s doing, does he miss me….but that is an exercise in futility. At this point, if he does miss me and regret the situation, what can/will either of us do about it? He is scared and fucked up, I am stubborn and fucked up and neither of us is healed. Best to leave him where he is….so I read online personals and I wonder, really wonder……is THIS what is out there when I am ready to venture back out?
Men are strange creatures…..everything is ruled by their dick. I am surprised when God made man he just did not put his brains in their as well. Married men gall me the most. They will state that their marriage is perfect, their wives are wonderful and their children are future Noble Prize winners, but there is a “spark” missing and they want YOU to be the one to return it to them. They cannot host, but want you to or go dutch on a hotel room. Oh, you can be single or married, just be fit, fun, passionate and sensuous. They want you to be educated (or semi-intelligent), discreet and engage them in deep moving conversations during your daytime trysts on his lunch hour but you cannot get attached as they are not looking to disrupt their life or yours…..in fact, it may be better if you were married also so you will have as much to lose as they will. Oh, they will be worth it as they are attractive, tall and fit…..very oral and believes in your pleasure first. I am so sorry, but I do not have me jumping through anymore hoops for a married loser who cannot face the role he plays in a waning sex life within his marriage and can only indulge you on his time and terms. Trust me, it is NEVER worth it.
I had an on again, off again with a guy like that. He WAS tall, and while he was kind of average looking, he had eyes like the Baldwin Brothers which saved him from a face of mere mediocrity. He was married with 2 kids and had a high-pressure and demanding job…..he also lived further out than the nearest cow farm. In any case, he found me sexy, alluring and refreshing. I was his first black chick and his first big girl and our emails were filled with naughty thoughts and ideas….our phone conversations were filled with laughter and promises. However, in order for us to meet I would have to take time off as he was scared to meet me at the Island and have some car action…..why, I have no idea. It was closer to where he lived and worked and I was the one who worked there; I was the one parked on the same level as my boss and even though the risk factor was minimal, I was the one taking all of them. I was monogamous with this guy (in the beginning, when we thought we could actually have something) but it was too much hassle. Either his job had some last minute project so I was all dolled up and no one to do or his kids got sick and the few times he actually made it over…..after a kiss and a couple of tugs on his love gun…..it was over. He would be red-faced and embarrassed and I was looking like WTF?? A month I waited for him to explode in his pants over a little tongue and hand action?? He always had to rush right back out and here was the kicker…he was allergic to smoke and I could not smoke for a good three hours before his arrival. Seriously?? I am abstaining from what is my lifeline AND missing money for what amounts to a 5 minute handjob once a month?? We broke it off because it was not working for me and we remained friends until he got angry at me dating Him…..why I will never know as by that time he had moved on to explore his bi-curious side and had guys giving him blowjobs.
The single guys who place ads are just as stupid…..they are looking to meet RIGHT NOW if THEY ascertain there is a connection once they see your picture. First, let me say this: chemistry is the one thing a couple either has or they don’t. You cannot build on chemistry. Attraction, however is just what you find pleasing and attraction and chemistry are two separate things. So these guys want you to fuck them RIGHT NOW if your picture gets their dick hard. Never mind the fact that they have yet to send their picture or that attraction has to be a two way street….they always say you will not be disappointed. Some of the guys are arrogant….they do not need online services to get a woman, and any woman they deign to be with should want to fall on their knees and worship them and their cock ASAP. Even though they are single, they almost ask YOU to host and one guy has been posting the same ad for 3 years….he lives with his now ex-girlfriend as they are tied by a lease. Dude, after three years….how long is that freakin’ lease?? Most single guys are not looking to date….they just want to get their dick wet and a few of them will even ask to start out with sex first and see if that will lead to something more. The few who DO wish to date and explore an LTR ( long term relationship) in the proper manner come across as clingy, needy and creepy. They present you with their laundry lists of what they like and don’t like, what they will and will not do and as for you?? Anyone remember the dating application?? Multiply that by two as for their laundry list for you. They all ask for you to send a picture first (most will say no pic, no response and that is fine by me) and all want you to change the subject line to filter out “spam”. I would have no problem sending a picture if I saw what you looked like….I am not putting myself out there to be rejected by a faceless stranger who for all I know looks like an albino Uncle Fester complete with a hunchback. I can understand the frustration of responding to find out the person is an advertiser but seriously….your ad reads: Looking for a Nice Girl ( and all you really want is someone to travel cross-town to blow and go) and I have to change the subject to: Mary Poppins is a Purple People Eater but Only in the Month of July? No thanks. I am finding out that this city is filled with insecure, issue laden, shallow men who are emotionally still in high school…and really, if all you want is a random hook-up here and there…there are women you can pay for that.
The Fetish Seekers…..I love them (not), especially the so-called “submissives”. The submissives want you to take them and use them how you see fit and for your pleasure, yet somehow your pleasure involves you sucking and fucking them. Hmmmm….not this chick. I would use you to pay a couple of bills, give me a full body massage, maybe some breast worship and then you can go. Some of the submissives are pain sluts and they are my favorites…..they pay you to kick their ass. I had a guy who was into poppers and wanted me to beat his balls…..the last time he was over here, I beat his balls until they were swollen and bleeding and he was screaming so loudly, my across the hall neighbor called me to ask was I killing the man. Once, when him and I were arguing, I answered a submissive’s ad and beat him so badly with my belt, he ran out of here crying and clutching his clothes to his body. I freely admit to having a cruel and abusive streak in me, and the pain sluts allow me to release that in a somewhat healthy and productive manner. I have only had one guy with a foot fetish as my feet at best are presentable, not pretty. This guy was a psychiatrist (yes, a psychiatrist) and preferred I did nothing to my feet as he liked to lay down in complete darkness and eat the dead skin buildup on my heels. Seriously, he did as good a job as the nail place in smoothing out my heels AND paid for the privilege. I had a guy who I think has a fat fetish as he offers belly worship. No other part of my body….just my belly. He will kiss, lick and moan about my big, soft belly for a good half hour and he’s good. Of course, Pantyhose Dude is a definite Fetish Seeker and we did meet earlier this month, but al I can do with him is the pantyhose. He claimed to miss me so much and wanted a deep and passionate kiss….and proceeded to treat my face and lips like a woodpecker on a tree. Most guys when they kiss pucker up….Pantyhose Dude’s lips compress into a thin, tight line and his nose pecks, pecks, pecks into my cheek. You can’t kiss me but you want to go all the way with me?? Really?? I am afraid of what would happen if I allowed that.
So here I am, at the end of one relationship and preparing myself to go back out there in the dating cesspool and I am wondering….what is a girl to do?? WHAT is being offered out there that will not make me opt for either celibacy or an alternative lifestyle, although even the latter may be out of bounds as women are as crazy and strange as men sometimes. You know, it is now that I really could kill Him and be okay with the consequences. We are both at an age ( him more so than me) when we should be settling down, enjoying each other and what we had…..not running around being stupid and going crazy. Goddamned mid-life crisis and unresolved issues. But, it is what it is and I am wondering if going out in the real world will bode better results….remember, these guys posting are the same guys in the real world. These men who want to call you names without learning yours first, who post pictures of their cocks as if that is what you will first see when you meet them….oh, I’m sorry I did not recognize you. Your face looks NOTHING like that dick pic you sent me. Perhaps I am overreacting as I know I am not ready now and I do know that the next time around I am settling for nothing less than something of substance with someone of substance and it always happens when you aren’t looking/gauging/testing the waters. I guess I will do what I have been doing: process, heal and use online personal ads as a means of entertainment until I am ready for the real world.