I get comments on some of my blog posts….my two favorite commentators are Bambi and Cherries. These women make me laugh and think and always say something that makes sense. We are strangers to each other, but they have shown me that they have my best interests at heart and I love them for that. Cherries, I have not heard from in a while and I hope she is doing okay and Bambi commented on my most recent post. Her advice: read the blog as a reader versus the author and tell the heroine to get the HELL out of Dodge. I laughed because she makes it sound like a horror story….and I guess in a way it is. If you take the hurtful words and actions and substituted them for stab wounds…both of us would be deader than hell.
It is funny because ever since the days of addiction (where I began my professional training for all things sexual), I have been the chick who attracts the weird ones, and it got no better in recovery. I think I have Weirdoes Welcome tattooed on my forehead or something; it is either that or like I said once before…like attracts like so maybe I am weird also. In addiction, I always got the tricks who were into the kinkiest things….I first got rimmed and rimmed a guy ( also known as salad tossing) back in the 90s before anyone thought to put a name to it. Public sex?? Standard operation procedure for a street girl so that was not unique to me. Toilet sports, face sitting and the men who sweat buckets while having sex…I got the guys who were both like that and into that. Men with breast fetishes, strap on fantasies and who wanted to talk and get to “know me”….I got those guys. The men who were even more fucked up than me were the ones who wanted me. I even had a guy who beat me, raped me and afterwards asked for my number because I was a decent woman, just fucked up and he could help me with that. Seriously??
I do know that I tend to be open-minded and either overlook or accept a lot of bullshit for my own reasons….in addiction, it was for the money to support my habit. I could deal with the liars because I was lying also…I wasn’t a crack whore like the other girls….I was a single mother with a baby whose man had been claimed as a victim of street violence. A cheating man? Hell, if it weren’t for them, I would never have survived and would have taken to robbing gas stations to get my fix. Men who were into cross-dressing? Fine by me as long as you had the money. In recovery, I still tend to overlook/accept a lot of things, again for my own reasons. With Married Man, it started out as a paid arrangement so I overlooked the fact that he was married, had 4 baby mamas and 7 children…..then when my feelings began to deepen, I colored his irresponsibility, cowardice and lack of principles and morals with a rose colored pencil and said he had made some mistakes, but was doing the best he could. With Him…..I really had never had a man who freely admitted how fucked up he was and it freed me to let loose with my issues. I was met with acceptance, understanding and was told we all have been through something, that is what I used to be and who I am now is beautiful, sexy, intelligent and someone he was proud to know. I was incredibly sweet, loving and kind and while he did not know what I saw in a broken down old man…..he was lucky to have me.
Addiction blinded me to the obvious dangers right in front of me: you know I was anally raped at knife point and beaten with a hammer. I have had to jump from a car going 80 mph to save my life as I knew if I stayed, I would have died for sure…I have dude and the gun he held to my head not joking about what he was saying; I have been gang raped; damn near run over (thank God for the train tracks) when I refused to perform a blowjob for $5 and have sold myself for a sandwich. I slept in abandoned cars, used public alleyways for a toilet and at the end of my addiction, was sleeping on the ground in the dead of winter. I was beaten countless times and raped endlessly. I hear from lots of people how strong I am, but I do not see it that way. I was in the grips of an addiction and under the influence of a drug that did not give a damn about me and caused me not to give a damn about anyone or anything. I did what I had to do to survive which at best makes me adaptable or flexible. I am blessed and have been spared, but I am not strong.
I am not sure what has blinded me to him (and a part of me is still blinded, no lie) but I do know when I care for a man, my perceptions become skewered. It is not like friendship where you hear the person’s story and see the quirks and flaws but there is something in this person that you just KNOW will make your world a little bit brighter and better; so you embrace the quirks and flaws and accept them for who they are and where they are. No, with me and the men who pursue me and I choose to fall for…..it is like I see them and I hear the stories (believe me, Him told me the entire story so I cannot say I did not know) but I listen to them the wrong way, and I view their actions in the wrong light if that makes any sense. When I heard the stories of his marriage, I did not ask the role he played in things…I asked how could she treat him that way. When I did hear some of the role he played in the demise of his marriage, I did not run nor did I ask myself if he did that to a woman he loved enough to marry, what did that bode for me? I listened, I understood and I accepted that it was just him. When he told me about his previous partners and said that things were good for only 4-6 months before they started acting crazy, I never saw the obvious sign ( HOW can they ALL be crazy??) because I tend to pick crazy men also. I told him they WERE crazy to let a sexy catch like him get away. I have an understanding of and for this man that transcends definition, but it is colored with an understanding of myself.
See, I know I am not a bad person….I suffer from self esteem issues and tend to lack confidence, but I treat people with kindness, respect and friendliness. I do not look down on anyone because once I was them, and but for the grace of God go I. I got caught up in situations that I was unprepared for and that were out of my control due to my vulnerability and people pleasing tendencies, but I am not crazy and I am fucked up due to what I have been through. I honestly try to work through my issues and baggage before embarking on something new with someone new because I feel it is not this person’s fault what the last person did to me. I try to be honest, objective, logical, reasonable and fair with everyone at all times….and I think everyone is just like me. The part of me that still loves him, that holds onto to a tiny piece of hope for us and believes that maybe, just maybe one day we CAN overcome this breach of trust and destruction of all we had sees that he is fucked up and cannot deal with his emotions and that maybe in a fucked up way, he calls himself doing me a favor so I can move onto to bigger and better things. I am seeing him the way I see myself….lonely, hurt and covering the pain with anger and false laughter, not allowing people to get too close on an intimate level and running when they do, but he is NOT me. Never has been, never will be. We may have common interests and shared issues but he is not where I am on any level….mentally or emotionally and because we connected on all levels, I think we ARE on the same level. That is not fair to either of us….I am setting myself up for disappointment by having an expectation that obviously is a higher standard than he is used to (remember, it takes work to realize what your issues are and to try to tame them as best you can) and he is not even going to try to act as if he is anywhere on that level. I can only applaud that….he knows what he is ready for and what he is not. What I do not applaud is his callous treatment, lies and disrespect but perhaps that has always been a part of him….my love and his masks blinded me to it.
You know what, Bambi?? Thanks a lot! This post wasn’t even supposed to be here today…you have delayed the Day After fiasco by another day and I am going places and revealing things so deep and personal, I pray no one who knows me is reading this right now. But things have to come out and if not now, another time…..you have to wipe the shit off your shoes and the choices I make now have roots buried deep in my past and my psyche. I do know that when I see him, I see myself and I know that if people had not helped me, talked to me and pulled my coattails, I have NO idea where I would be today. If people had not loved me when I was my most unlovable and did not offer up prayers and positive thoughts for me……and I see he needs that. He may never be the man I want him to be and he may never be my man again, but he needs friendship, caring and love and I do feel those things for him. He may never know that it is me who roots for him still, who really wants to see him happy and not being used and played and we do not have to be together for me to want those things and do those things for him. I know what it is like to be surrounded by love, honesty and healthiness and all you want to do is run for your life because you are simply not used to such things; regardless of how painful and fucked up previous situations have been, regardless that your way has always landed you in a space and a place you do not want to be in, that is what you return to because it is the familiar, and better to deal with the evil you do know versus the evil you don’t.
We do not have to be reconciled or even friends anymore for me to hold my hand out when he reaches…but it has to be in sincerity and friendship. Just checking to see if your 5 hour blowjob is where you left it is not what this is about anymore. How many of us, when we are in need and are looking for a solution or a way out have depended on the kindness of strangers, and just because he destroyed the friendship does not make me his enemy. Does anyone remember the episode of Grey’s that dealt with the train wreck and the man and woman were impaled on a pole? It was determined that once the pole was removed, only the man would live because the woman had too many internal injuries, so when the surgery was performed everyone of course went to work on the most viable patient. They did cursory work on the woman, but pretty much she flat lined as soon as she was put onto the gurney. Meredith started screaming: “What about her?? You can’t just abandon her! You have to TRY!!” And that is how I feel about him….he is me when I was on the cusp of recovery and now that I know probably too much about him, I just cannot abandon him. Granted, he may never leave his familiar except for short periods and he may still flat line…..but someone has to care enough to try with him. And no one does, save me. I am NOT trying to save him or change him but he is lost and alone and we all have a guardian angel who is there for us when times get tough and the night is cold and dark. I have had countless….. I have been shown caring, understanding and placed on the right path by people who did not know me from Adam’s housecat; I have people in my life now who freely give me what resources they have available and they do not expect anything of me in return; the best way to repay that type of unselfishness is to pay it forward. If I can do so with homeless strangers by giving them food and money, surely I can be a friend to a man with whom I am still in love. It is all about forgiveness and not forgetting, but accepting that this is who he is and where he is.
But before any of this can happen, I DO have to work on me some more. My personal and professional life may be on pause while I wait to reap a harvest from seeds I have sown, but I am not. I am still in motion and I have issues that still need sorting out, I need to go see a doctor about my health issues and I need to be more fiscally responsible; worrying about him when I have so much about me to worry about is nothing but a copout right now. His issues are not going anywhere and what happens with the choices he has now made are out of my hands. MY issues need my attention, MY job needs me there and living and working around abdominal pain that has not lessened in a month is not working for me. So, I put him on the shelf for a minute (unless breaking news updates cause me to do otherwise) and take time for me. So again, thank you Bambi for pointing that out because if I don’t look out for me first….who will?