I am on the warpath…..no joke. I am still in pain, Mother Nature is visiting and the process is being too quiet which tells me something big is going to break. People (okay, one person) are saying the stupidest things, asking obvious questions and pretty much wondering why I am not pleased with their offerings when they bring me things I did not ask for; I am not being ungrateful, but if you ask me what I want as a Christmas present and I tell you and you bring me something that is NOT what I ask for…..prepare for me to really NOT like your present. I will elaborate further in another blog about all this, but right now…..I am still too angry and filled with some sort of self-righteous entitlement to give you guys an objective overview of what went down.
In any case, I did vent about it to Morning Person and Pregnant One and they both suggested I calm down and blog it out….I am taking the first suggestion; like I said, I will blog it out when I can be objective about all that went down. Music is my balm and my refuge…with all that is going on, I need something to help me clear my mind, cheer me up and bolster my resolve. I need something to help me with the closet cleaning, to assist with the unanswered questions and to keep hope (that I will survive this and come out better, stronger and healed) alive. So here is a list of only a few of the songs I am re-discovering on my Zune and adding to the ever changing playlist that is now the soundtrack of my life:
The Sun Is Coming Up and My Plane Is Going Down by Young Galaxy: This song is just haunting and beautiful. The guy sings about how some feelings are so simple to feel yet so hard to explain; how he reached out to give her what she needed, yet she was always in another space, another place. Now that she is ready to receive his offerings, he has to move on and while he will always feel and care, it is time for someone to care and feel for him.
Standing Outside A Broken Phone Booth With Money by Primitive Radio Gods: THIS song…..classic. When it first came out in the early 90’s , I loved it and my feelings towards it have not changed. It is a song of irony ….of course, most people associate irony with Alanis Morrisette’s Ironic which is a great song also. But Primitive Radio Gods’ take is irony as it relates to love and life….what if all that is supposed to be good were bad? It has beat, a smooth melody and the bluesy hook speaks for itself…to the woman he loves he says: “I’ve been downhearted baby…ever since the day we met”.
Natural Blues by Moby: This is a sad song….no doubt. BUT it is sad with a beat. It makes me move and groove and the message is one that everyone can relate to, and it does not have to be related to love or romance: “No one knows my trouble but God”. Definitely it is a remix of an old time spiritual and tells the tale of how this person goes place to place, person to person to find help, refuge, etc. and always the door is closed. With no one to help them and nowhere to go….there is only God. And how true is that? God does what no man can but we get impatient because it is not when we want it, so we run in circles in an attempt to make things happen….and they won’t until God is ready for them to.
Sideways by Let’s Go Sailing: It’s been on Grey’s Anatomy ( FAVE show with THE best music ever)….and the episode was titled “My Favorite Mistake”. Do I need another reason to be totally infatuated with this song?? The first line says it all: “I’ve been walking; I’ve been thinking; I’ve been looking at you sideways.” For all my processing and good game talk….I still steal sideways glances at him in my mind. Other lyrics: “I woke up pretty; I have no problem dipping my feet; the trouble comes when I have to jump”. I am going to say they are referring to jumping INTO the relationship, not jumping out….but I have to make the leap sooner or later out of this fiasco completely….and I wonder if I have been ready and won’t let go because the current state of mind the process has put me in suggests it is finally time to move on.
You Know The Way (Acoustic Version) by Right The Stars: Again, a find found on Grey’s…..this song hurts in the most beautiful way. “Smoking cigarettes out in your car, thinking about the time you lost your mind”; “forget sometimes that life is beautiful, sleeping through the dreams that make you whole”; “you will know the way to go back home”. The song sounds sad, and may seem sad….but is a song filled with hope, because don’t we all just want to be home, where we are loved and understood?
What If I Leave? by Rachel Yamagata: I first fell in like with Rachel when she released Worn Me Down…..in that song she told her guy he had worn her down like a road even after she did all he told her; she was worn down to her knees trying to please to him…yet all he thought about her was Her ( another woman). Now, in this song….Rachel tells him he does not call when he says he will and why can’t he love the woman who loves his face, his touch, his everything? Is it because she no longer belongs to him or because he feels that it won’t work out if they try again? And she poses the question…what if I leave? Will you chase, will you change, will you miss me if I leave? All she wants is to go back, start again and be his fool again….but he won’t call. So she asks…what if I leave….will I find another who will be my lover or will you find your way back home? Indecision set to a mellow, jazzy background….perfect substitution for a Nina or Billie night.
Allies by Blue States: Hope with a dance beat….the album title itself gives me hope to move forward: First Steps Into…. And I definitely am taking my first steps into the unknown. When I broke it off with Married Man, I stepped into the Craigslist Experiment which was pretty much a series of one night stands, dinner dates and a entire week of Nebraska….maybe I will tell you guys about Nebraska one day….and no, it is not about the state. But when I broke it off, I knew what I was going to do. After the experiment, I ventured into Him….and now, I am adrift and am truly in unknown and uncharted territory. I cannot hide behind sex or dates or experiments. I am going through the process and I am doing it with no exit strategy, relying only on faith and friendship. The lyrics in this song are simple and repetitive: “These days are mine…. we’re left behind.” They do branch out with “I can’t believe it’s here again” and not sure what is here again, but I want to say love.
Don’t Forget Me by Way Out West: Again, Grey’s knows me and what I like….I swear, I would watch Grey’s if only to discover new tunes and artists. This song is haunting and filled with nothing but acceptance….”There is just one thing I need to say before I close my eyes and walk away; there is just one thing I need to feel before I walk away against my will”. “The memory of this will always remind me of you, and that is where you will find me.” “Don’t forget me, don’t regret me, don’t neglect me”.
Hello by Tristan Prettyman: A song for when I feel the love and remember the good times and wonder what in the hell happened. I am going to mix the lyrics up a bit but you will get the gist…. “Hello, I’ve had you on my mind for hours, there’s no doubt; hello, how could I ever feel this way with so much left to say and so much on my mind; hello, my God you’re beautiful, it’s true, every day I stumble getting caught up on you; ‘Cause baby, I’ve been lightly drinking and a little bit too heavy on the thinking, won’t you tell me something good? ‘Cause baby you start and then you stop and my heart beats big before it drops and I don’t know what to do; sit back and let my love grow good for you….so baby baby, whatcha waiting, whatcha waiting, whatcha waiting for?”
Okay, you know what? I could go on and on and on with the freaking songs I am listening to right now…..any and everything by Matt and Kim, the new R. Kelly album, the instrumental by Tycho ( Coastal Brake), Thievery Corporation…..seriously, I would be here all of the night and day when it comes to my music. Suffice it to say, the current selection of tunes covers all the bases of where I am in the process. Right now, it is after midnight, I have work in the morning and I have to figure out a way to tell you guys about the Day After fiasco. Chef and Artsy Craftsy are on alert to see and tell if my next to final worst case scenario came true over the holiday weekend, so I need to prepare myself mentally and emotionally for that (I know, I know….move on, move on….but it is a process, and we are all nosy!) ….in any case have a great night/day and look for me tomorrow.